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The Weekly With Charlie Pickering

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Electronic Media Monitoring Service 

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09-05-2018 09:03 PM

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ABC1

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ABC1

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09-05-2018 09:03 PM

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09-05-2018 09:03 PM

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2018-05-09 21:03:00

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785217

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The Weekly With Charlie Pickering -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) (LAUGHTER) Russell, has
Tourism Australia dropped the ball? Well, what we know
is that it is working. We know that the campaign worked
and then you hear there is incoming revenue coming in. You have to say they haven't dropped
the ball but I think what is interesting
is what happens next. They have set the bar, very,
very high that we want to entertain Americans
on Super Bowl day. So what is going
to happen in 2019 on Super Bowl day? And what is going to happen
in 2020 on Super Bowl day? That's the follow-up I think
is more interesting and I'm assuming they are planning
something awesome right now. Tourism advertising works off
the simple conversion funnel. You sell the dream and then move
them down from awareness, consideration and then purchase. They now need to focus
down the meaty end of it all, purchase, getting them to go. That involves everything,
partnerships, airlines, hotels, deals
all being sent there. The standard travel journey
starts with dreaming, planning, booking,
visiting and then sharing. Because you know,
of our social media habits we want other people
to experience what we've experienced, that spot focuses
on the dreaming phase. I completely agree
the video piece sits somewhere further down the funnel,
one stream, there as content to help educate people on things
they might able to do. It could be something they're just
not interested in at all. It is unfortunate
that it is cultural cringe... That is what has
prevented us from getting here and taking us so long,
how we see ourselves is very different as to how we should
market us to people to get them to come here. We see ourselves as sophisticated. You know, eclectic, creative
and the Americans can go Paris for that and New York
and stay there for the city. They have lots of good beaches
but for once they have focused on this sort of unique,
beautiful larakin nature of Australia and embraced it. It is exploiting
assets, obviously Dundee is an amazing asset,
maybe we could do Mad Max next year. (APPLAUSE) I'm not sure you want to go
to the Mad Max version of Australia. Book your post apocalyptic
holiday down under, there are so many
things to do, Thunder Dome. (LAUGHTER) That's just about all for tonight,
please thank our panel, Russell, Kimberlee, Claire and Todd. Facebook's big new ad
was full of big spin, so tonight we will leave
you with a reimagining that may feel a little less like fake news. We will see you next week. We came here because we were sick
of MySpace, and we added a whole bunch of friends
we didn't even know. It ruined our real-life
relationships. Then this guy sent us
an unsolicited dick-pic. Then something happened. We screwed up. Really bad. Like, "got Donald goddamn
Trump" elected bad. Now we can't trust anyone -
he's a Russian spy. They're all Russian spies! Now the whole thing
makes us want to die. But we're stuck. Here. Together.

There's $48 million to commemorate the 250th anniversary of Captain James Cook. Money well spent. I mean, we've only named Cook, Cooktown, the Shire of Cook, the Division of Cook, Cook's Stream, Cook's Well, Cooks River, James Cook University, James Cook College, Captain Cook Bridge, Captain Cook Creek, Captain Cook Dock, Captain Cook Drive, Captain Cook Oval, Captain Cook Park, the Captain Cook Highway, the Captain Cook Memorial Lighthouse, Captain Cook's Landing Place, and the Captain Cook Community Centre after him. If not for that extra $48 million, we'd forget this guy ever existed! (APPLAUSE) It was a bad week for West Australian MP Barry Urban. It will be the first time a member has been expelled from the parliament of Western Australia.A Parliamentary Committee found he had no honours degree, had not completed a diploma of local government, hadn't served in the Balkans and knew he was not entitled to an overseas police medal. His University of Leeds degree was a forgery. The good news is with that trail of deception he could get job at the AMP. It was a matter of life and death on Sunrise. Australia's oldest scientist is to due to fly from his home in Perth to Switzerland this week to end his life through voluntary euthanasia. 104-year-old David Goodall doesn't have a terminal illness but says his quality of life has deteriorated. This is a sensitive issue. I just hope Sunrise didn't turn it into some kind of "Hot Topic". It's a hot topic this morning. We are joined by Kath Webber on the Gold Coast, Ron Wilson... That's part of our all voluntary Smoothenasia week on Smooth FM. Now here's YOUR ticket to heaven, Michael Buble. To less soothing news from the US... The deal is scrapped, Donald Trump withdraws the US from the Iran nuclear agreement. World leaders have called Trump's move 'dangerous', others have suggested it could lead to nuclear war in the Middle East. So what did Fox News have to say about it? On a scale of one being super-awesome to ten, which is super-super awesome, where would you put this speech?it was right up there.You have to say the whole thing. To my favourite story of the week now because I am a big fan of true crime. EPolice in New Jersey believe they have caught a serial pooper. Defecating on the field of another school district... Serial Pooper! I take it that cereal was 'All-Bran'. OK, so we've got a suspect, we've got the weapon, but what's the motive? Holmdel isn't in the school district but authorities say he was coming here every morning to jog and regularly leaving an unsanitary mess for the rival school.A revenge poop! Ah yes, the Holmdel Hornets, traditional rivals of the superintendent's Brearley Bears. Answering the age-old question, does a bear shit in the woods? Nope, the long-jump pit. Coming up, Tom Gleeson hard chats Nick Giannopoulous but first, with ScoMo getting all of the attention on Budget week, you can't help but wonder, what does Finance Minister Mathias Cormann think? Inside Mathias Cormann...In places all around the country, in the city, in the town...I like this roof, though, good design. So high. Is that a bat? No, no... How many haircuts is too many haircuts in one week? Three? I think it is a bat! Imagine if it flies down and lands on ScoMo's shoulder sinking its teeth into his neck and he will be transformed into the first Vampire Treasurer and it would be my job to get a stake and plunge it deep into his heart.Thank you very much, Scott. It is great to be here with the Treasurer.Inside Mathias Cormann!(APPLAUSE) Every Budget night, TV networks try to make us care about Budget night. In 1981, the ABC even made John Howard look like John Shaft.

(LAUGHTER)

But when it comes to trying to make economics interesting, nothing beats Budget 1994. Take a look at this. This is the world's first three-dimensional model of the Australian manufacturing foreign trade deficit. It starts here in '69, goes up to '93. Then-PM Paul Keating was on the show that night - and didn't he love it! That is irrelevant!The man-made you a wind chime! Can't you just be grateful? But 1994 is significant for another reason. It was the last time either side of politics increased the dole. While the average wage, the minimum wage, and even the pension have ALL increased, the dole has not changed in real terms for 25 years. But last week, there were calls to raise it in the Budget. A leading economist is calling for an increase in the dole. He is arguing it is cruel to make people survive on $40 a day. 40 bucks a day? Sounds like you'll need my book, The Involuntarily Barefoot Investor. $40 a day sounds like a Dickensian nightmare! Enter the aptly-named MP's, Cash and Banks. Could you live on 40 bucks a day?I could, I could live on 40 bucks a day.The Newstart is $40 a week, could you live on that?As a backpacker, I lived off a minimal amount of money. Refreshing self-awareness from Michaelia Cash. Less so Julia Banks who it turns out owns six properties. People on Newstart can hardly afford to rent ONE! Anglicare Australia is out today - it has confirmed that of 67,000 rental properties available on that weekend, there were just three properties that were affordable for somebody who was surviving on the single payment of Newstart. THREE properties in all of Australia! Yeah, I'm looking at a place in Townsville at 10:15, and then Launceston at 10:30, I should be fine to make it up to Broome for the last one at 10:45. Even the Business Council of Australia says Newstart may be so low that in fact it entrenches poverty and acts as a barrier to employment. But those bleeding hearts aren't the only ones who want to raise the dole. It's The Henry tax review, Deloitte Access Economics, The Australian Industry Group and just this morning, former Prime Minister, John Howard. You agree Newstart should increase? I think there is an argument about that, I do.What is the argument?I think it's - I was in favour of freezing it when it happened but I think it's probably, the freeze is probably too long. Hang on, it's Budget time. Can we see that again but with a bit more Budget '81 pizzazz? I agree... I think it is... (LAUGHTER) Trouble is, people on Newstart have a certain image problem. What's the phrase I'm looking for? Dole bludgers.Dole bludgers. Australia's dole bludger capital... Second on the last Blacktown, followed by Mildura, Frankston... Oh, not Deception Bay! They told me they were doing really well. We're so sure our unemployed neighbours are bludging, we're lining up to dob them in. New figures show nearly 2,000 Australians are dobbing on welfare cheats every week.500,000 tips have come in and 400 of those have been referred for prosecution. Hang on? That's it? 400 referrals from half a million calls? That's less than one-tenth of 1%!

I tried to graph it...(LAUGHTER) I couldn't make a whole wind chime! Maybe we're not a nation of dole bludgers, we're just a nation of dobbers. Joining me now to discuss this is Tom Gleeson. (APPLAUSE)Good to see you. That is absolute codswallop. That must be the most absolutely irrelevant statistic I've ever seen in my life. They are bludgers! Hang on Tom, could you live on $40 a day? Absolutely. But Bill Shorten said that he couldn't? That's just another example of Labor's poor economic management. $40 a day - easy. Easy for you, you own SIX properties. Because I know how to live within my means! Living on $40 a day is how I got SIX properties in the first place. I'm surprised more people on Newstart haven't bought more properties themselves. Tom, the vast majority would agree that $40 a day is not enough. It's supposed to not be enough! Newstart is supposed to be so pitifully low that it frightens you into getting a job. It should be lower! How low? Less than zero. How could it be less than zero? If you can't get a job, you get fined. Fined? Studies show it's the best way to correct bad behaviour. You park in the wrong spot. You get fined. You don't wear a seatbelt, you get fined. You drive too fast, you get fined. Well that's just bloody revenue raising. How is that revenue raising? Just because I'm in a hurry, they shouldn't take my money and blow it on dole bludgers. Why are you in such a hurry? I've got SIX properties to maintain. Right. So how much should we fine people on Newstart? $40 a day. And what do we do with the $40? Give it to me. And then what will you do? I'll just bludge. Please thank Tom.(APPLAUSE) Tom hard chats Nick Giannopoulos... But first sporting news never stops, but what do the armchair experts think? Millions of Australians spend their nights watching sports shows on the telly.Thanks for dinner.I didn't make you dinner.What was in the oven?I was drying my underpants. Justin Langer was appointed head coach of the Australian cricket team.I'm here to accept my responsibility. I'm deeply sorry. Sorry, John! No, I don't give a shit. We are a weird country, John. We have gone to pieces because a man's rubbed a ball with sandpaper. After the dust settled, the nation returned to its obsession of watching grown men talk football. (APPLAUSE)He's got no chair. There doesn't appear to be a chair. Nothing to do with a chair...Look at those quads.How have you been? In defence of whoever's job it was to organise the chair, you wouldn't think you need five of the same guy on the One Show!They are not the producers, the producers have not suffered multiple concussions.He ran the ball like an extra back rower.What? Poochy? What's he talking about? A litter of puppies? (LAUGHTER)

Queenslanders... Oh God, got out your uke, John! It is not often I request that(!) # Every Queenslander's heart in the song # We're glad to say we belong. #We know how to have fun! Let me talk, John!(LAUGHTER) Didn't you used to be on this show? Yes. Not anymore.Sam with his girlfriend, back in 1932...Hey?I won't say it.Want me to say it? Yes!He picked up the bride-to-be and married her.He's done the groom a favour, really.(LAUGHTER)I can beat that!Difficult to compete with that.You can't write that stuff. What gives me the shits about this, all work I have put into crafting a funny story, you know, it has structure, it has punch lines, like three of them - and all you have to do is go out and stick your finger in your fly and the whole nation laughs its head off!This is how mental Australians are for sport. They play the sports, then people sit around talking about sport and we sit about talking about them talking about the sport and there are people sitting around talking about them talking about sport! Those people are insane!(APPLAUSE)

with your Grandma's friends. It didn't take long for someone to mention immigrants. Big business has called on forces - the union will increase a policy document with employer groups warning of dropping the migration rate. Well done to Sky News, who knew that when doing a migration story, the law states you must use file footage of a busy footpath. But that's not the ONLY option in a newsroom's video library. Which is why... It's time to Play TV Bingo! And the topic for tonight's TV Bingo is Ethnic File Footage!

You know the rules. Each breakfast show has 20 seconds to use as many pieces of classic ethnic file footage as they can. Tonight's categories are: Multicultural Footpath. Ethnic Shops. Random Brown Person. Asians Going Somewhere. Gossiping Nonnas. Turbans.

Presumed Migrant with Pram. And Men Playing Strange Game. Our first contestant tonight: the Today show, Nine Network. Legs? not on the list. Multicultural footpath, yes! With a good sprinkling of hijabi for garnish. Random brown person eating an apple! And? white people's torsos, no points for that. A score of 2, disappointing from Today, after their big win in last week's topic, Spinning Whirly Test Tube Machines in Science Stories. Our next contestant: Sunrise, the Seven Network. And GO! There is now compelling evidence that the congestion of our cities... Straight up on a multicultural footpath - important to blur the vision it so it looks more frightening. Random brown person! Looking good for Sunrise... Ethnic shops... Could be restaurants, or stores selling a variety of products for around $2. Asians going somewhere. And no points for failed cookbook author. That leaves Sunrise on four points. Our final contestant is the underdog, ABC News Breakfast, who are yet to win as they're hamstrung by stringent ABC editorial policies. Good luck, Breakfast. Your time starts NOW. Multicultural footpath. Ethnic shops. There's a random brown person! Presumed migrant with pram! It's The Africans! Asians going somewhere! "Man eats ice cream" not on the board? but gossiping nonnas are! TURBANS! Can they bring it home - YES, it's men playing strange game, we have BINGO! A full card, 9 from 9! Congratulations to the surprise winner ABC News Breakfast! They're through to the final, where they'll meet The Project on the topic of Smoking Pregnant Women With No Heads. Thanks for playing TV Bingo! (APPLAUSE)

To my guest tonight... In a world divided by religion and science, this week I prepared myself to speak to a man who isn't divided at all. Atheist and Darwinian biologist Richard Dawkins is touring Australia this month for Think Inc. Please welcome Tom Gleeson! It's a big one, if there is no God, what do you call out during really good sex?Oh, come on.That's a God one!(LAUGHTER)Oh my God will do fine. Doesn't matter if there is no God, you can use the same expletive. You have declared Islam to be the most evil religion in the world, who is the second most evil?Roman Catholicism, probably. No, there are some crazy cults as well. If you are talking about the most influential ones, the ones that have a huge influence on humanity, Roman Catholicism. I'm reading at the moment a book showing that the early Christians were every bit as bad if not worse than Isis today, exactly the same way, it is uncanny how similar they were in the way they policed the entire Roman Empire and any slight deviation from orthodox Christianity was punished by torture and death, burning of books, burning of libraries, all sorts of things. It is not a new story.You do receive a fair share of criticism. I have seen you in fact reading out some of the criticism and abuse that you cop online.Our God is a loving God. If you keep peddling this kind of filth, I pity you when Jesus returns! Ha-ha - when you get hit by a Church van tonight I hope you die slowly!You seemed to enjoy that quite a lot?Yes, I had great fun doing that. Had a better one recently. I hope you lose your watch and are late for an important appointment!(LAUGHTER)I have heard that there may be a version of the God delusion for children in the works?Who told you that? That's interesting.I do my research. No, my team does. I feed off them!Well, working on that at the moment.Have you settled on a name for that yet? How about OMG, I think I'm an atheist!That is pretty good.You think?Yes. I did bring a few suggestions, if you are curious. Please.There's the BFG, the Big Fake God!OK.Then we have Charlotte's Web of Lies.Yes.And my personal favourite, oh the Places you'll Go, except Heaven, it's not real.We have had a lot of suggestions. I think OMG, I'm an atheist might be fun.It is pretty cool.Yes.Now, you are also an expert on evolution. Are we humans capable of evolving in time to survive the planet we're making? Well, the changes we're reeking are on a historical timescale and evolution works on a slower timescale than that. So I don't think we can rely on evolution to save us from what we are doing to the planet. We have to solve those problems on the same timescale, namely a historical timescale, using culture and politics. We're not going to evolve to escape that. Humans aside, which creature do you think is best evolved? Do you have a soft spot for one, like a favourite animal?Oh, I love the dancing lemur of Madagascar, I love koalas, wallabies. I mourn the loss of the Tasmanian wolf. I'd love to see that brought back.Do you think that should be a pursuit of science? There are moves to bring back woolly mammoths?I'm in favour of that. I like the idea of trying to bring back these creatures.Could an argument not be made that is contrary to evolution?Not really. I mean, animals go extinct for non-evolutionary reasons. They go extinct for all sorts of different reasons. They are beautiful creatures, I would like to see them roam the earth again.Thank you for your time.Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE)Please welcome Tom Gleeson.Yes. Good to see you again. Great to see you.My guest has a show that he is touring all around Australia, it is called Star Wogs, the Ethnics Strike Back. I'm not joking. Here he is.Hard Chat.I'm joined by ethnic comedy superstar. Thanks for joining me.Great to hear "ethnic" once again.Let's chat, hard! Does it make you proud when you look at Here Come the Habibs and I started that ethnic comedy?I get better angry about it.Is it true you trademarked the word "wog"?I did, all these people were doing weird things like wog racing and wog pizza, so...You haven't trademarked "talent" and "range"?No. They said "talent" is way too big a word!Is there a part of you that burns because you didn't write My Big Fat Greek Wedding. That could have been you?My problem was I was born with an Australian accent, not a Canadian accent. If I could have been the wog boy, I would have, yeah, I would have had international success.It is easy doing what you do.It is easy.Like, I've got some sitcoms ready that I would like to pitch, Two-and-a-half Wogs. Modern Wog Family.Haven't pitched that. Gogglewog!There are a couple of wogs on that. The show is successful as a result of them.Maybe they could all be wogs.I see the world as only wogs. The way I see it, we all came to this country from somewhere else.Well, speaking of ripping you off, is your nemesis Con the Fruiterer. He has tanned himself up a bit. I wouldn't call it Blackface.Everybody is politically incorrect.I have been saying wogs heap.Guys like you used to say wog to me in the school yard as well.I do look like I would be racist! I can understand that. I was thinking of giving wog comedy a go myself. I would be pretty good at it.You could change your name!That would be good.Repeat after me. The rain in Spain...The rain in Spain... Sorry, just listen - the rain - it's the mouth - the rain...The rain.In Spain...In Spain. I am used to keeping flies out of my mouth! Your brand-new stage show is called Star Wogs: The Ethnics Strike Back. You are back on stage for the first time in 25 years.It is the Antique Wog Road Show.Any demand for this?I hope so. That is the only reason I'm here.Maybe you should call your next stage show Wogging a Dead Horse. Alright. Thanks for chatting. Wog - sorry - hard!Welcome to Hard Wog!(APPLAUSE) right here in the studio. Goodnight.

(CLOCK TICKS)

PSYCHIATRIST:
Corey, what's the problem?

Oh, you know, um... Just sort of scared
of, uh, robots and stuff. Do tell me. Well, um... You know, automation,
AI are developing so rapidly, they're saying that by 2050, robots are gonna be able to do
everything we can do but better. Hmm, I think you're catastrophizing
into the future. Yeah, but it's gonna happen, right? I don't think you
should be worrying about it. So I should just ignore it? Like repression is so healthy. A robot could
do your fucking job, man. My job? Are you sure? Yeah, 100%. Oh! How long have I got? Well, uh, the experts disagree on the
exact date of Judgement Day, but it's imminent. It's coming to obliterate all of us. How does that make you feel? I feel...scared. I...feel like a small child again. Fills you with a sense of
ennui and dread, doesn't it? Yeah.
Yeah. Takes your whole
system of meaning and purpose. One wonders what the point
of doing anything is at all. You know,
you wanna leave a legacy, but what if something can
leave a better legacy than you? Everything just becomes darkness. Corey. I hope this doesn't
hurt your feelings, but you do know
you suck as a patient. I can't wait for robot patients. That's the spirit.

Hi, I'm Corey White,
three-time university dropout, ex-foster kid and former
methamphetamine addict. I'm full of ideas about how to make
Australia a better place. Here's one of them. # Come on now # It's alright # With Corey White's # Roadmap to Paradise! # (COINS CLINK)

# We don't need you anymore # We don't How great is capitalism? Without it, we wouldn't
have amazing consumer products like Chicken Twisties or Lil Wayne. Thanks to capitalism, I can buy a TV
larger than a family car, and as a society, we enjoy
a large range of fidget spinners assembled by
Bangladeshi child workers who have no
fucking idea what they are. # Don't need it anymore # We don't Capitalism's beautiful because it encourages
innovation and efficiency. Old, slow ways of doing things are
replaced by new, fast ways of doing.

# When everything you touch turns to
dust, turns to dust. # I used to be very left-wing. Like, dumpster-diving left-wing. (CAT MEOWS) I would have told you that capitalism
leads to worker exploitation, unequal wealth concentration
and meaningless jobs, and there's still a lot of things
that bother me about capitalism. I know smartphone
factories have suicide nets, and there are probably suicide net
factories that have suicide nets, but I don't stop buying iPhones. I just say, "Hey, Siri?"
(SIRI BEEPS) "How do I deal with guilt?" (SIRI BEEPS) SIRI: That may be beyond my
abilities at the moment. (BEEPS) Anyway, that's
just how the world is. You know during the '90s, a bunch of
US activists shut down a Bangladeshi textile factory because
it was using child workers? What happened after that
would have been really awkward. Thanks to your tireless efforts, 50,000 child workers
have now been liberated from working in
Bangladeshi sweatshops. Unfortunately, many
of those women and children, since they lost the
jobs in the sweatshops, are doing prostitution... ..and not in an empowered way. So, we've got
a campaign launch next week to try and get them into
some kind of factory work. (ALL CLAP SLOWLY) I feel the same way about capitalism
as I do about O.J. Simpson. It's done some great things
and some not so great things, but what's coming might make
us nostalgic for sweatshops.

I'm talking about automation. If capitalism's a race to
the bottom, then automation, AI and robots
replacing human workers is crashing through
that bottom and then some. I've read a stat recently. 40% of Australian jobs could
disappear in the next 15 years due to technological advances. Because machines
don't need toilet breaks, sexual harassment
seminars or, you know, wages. # Oh, oh, oh # Need somebody
to listen real hard. #

(CHECKOUT BEEPS) These changes have been happening for
quite a while. Checkout operators
are now a dying breed, replaced by machines that allow you
to put through steak as carrots.

Some economists think that
this new industrial revolution will create as
many jobs it destroys,