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(generated from captions) Let me go! Let me go!

Gemma! Let me go!

Daddy?

*

Tonight Tonight problem solved A

Queensland backbencher defies

Tony Abbott to become Deputy

Speaker. I'm looking forward

to playing a role. This is my

last term in Parliament. The

constituent of that MP should

be outraged! That they will

the Parliament. not have a effective voice in

Good evening and welcome to Stateline. I'm Leigh Sales

- tomorrow the British

Labour Party will finally

announce who is to be the new

Opposition Leader. About four

months after if we Opposition Leader. About four

legislation that installed Conservative David Cameron as

Prime Minister. There are

but five candidates in the field

down to just two, brothers

David and Ed Miliband.. the decision of the younger

Miliband that is Ed Miliband that is Ed to

challenge his older brother

is one of the oldest stories

in history. Has been upsetting and

upsetting and more if he

wins. Some bookies say he has

just nosed ahead

today. Michael White is the

assistant editor of the 'Guardian'.

'Guardian'. Still in play the New Delhi Commonwealth

Games staggers the the start

line. Promises, promises t

Republican party's pledge to

America. Tribal warfare. Melbourne celebrates an

all-Victorian grand final.

Labor is confident it has

broker add deal with a

Liberal MP to help the

government boasts knife-edge

majority. Labor says it will

for the deputy Speaker job if

he backs Labor in no

confidence motions and supply

bills. The Government says

bills. The Government says

the veteran Liberal MP agreed to the conditions but

the move has caught the

opposition leader off guard. It was a case of 'Deal or No

Deal' as the Government tries

to get all its ducks in a row

before Parliament sits next week. I'm

week. I'm happy. The deputy

Speaker job would come at a

cost, he would have to pledge

allegiance to the Government.

People in the Labor

Government think that I'm

sufficiently an honourable

man to be a man of my

word. Labor says that is not

a quality his leader has.

Tony Abbott reneged on the agreement the pair the Speaker and Labor's accused

Over the last 9 days the

Government has been sounding

out the Queensland Liberal

dumped as chief Opposition

whip in the latest Coalition

reshuffle. We are having good-faith discussions with

him based upon the view this

a number of members of the Coalition

Coalition had that essentially do not support

just dead Tony Abbott It is absurd and

constituent of that MP should

be outraged. As was the

Opposition Leader. He hit the

phones with a counter-offer

for the MP tempted to jump ship and in a statement

issued by Tony Abbott's

office on Alex

office on Alex Somlyay's

behalf he said he would not support the Government on

supply and no confidence

another statement told a motions but hours later

different story and Labor

says it has done a deal with

the Liberal MP and he will

not vote to bring down the Government. Essentially

Queenslander will have sided with Labor. I'm one of the Queenslander will act like

looking forward to playing a

role, this is my last term in

forward to Parliament. I'm looking

forward to having a role in

benefit of future Parliaments making these reforms for the

in Australia. But veteran

Liberal's actions have been likened to those of a former

Labor rat. You may not remember mall Cowell stop but

I do and I think everybody

should be mindful of.

The Senator desserted the

Labor Party and sat as an

independent and he was offered the deputy position. Anybody who rats on the Labor Party will get what this

quizzlin hunchback has got. Party will get what this

Labor has Speaker's enominate him for the Speaker's chair hen

Parliament sits next Tuesday

and it will not be an easy

job as the Speaker tries to

manage this new par a dim amid bitter recriminations.

For the Speaker and MPs the

43rd Parliament will be a

whole new ball game. There

was good news on the

was good news on the economic

front for the government

today with figures showing

the budget is on track for a

return to surplus. The final

report card on the budget figures shows a smaller than

predicted deficit at 54.8

billion it is an improvement

of 3.2 billion. One of the

reasons thing haves come in better than expected is we

had a very had a very effective

stimulus. The Government also

spent less than expected on

Medicare costs and saved

money by scrapping Poms such

as the home insulation scheme

but net debt has increased to

$42.3 billion up nearly half

a billion on what was

previously forecast. It is

nothing to be proud of. It illustrated the fact that the government is still on spending. The Treasurer says

three track to deliver a surplus in

three years. Competitor haves

begun arriving in New Delhi

in preparation for the

Commonwealth Games despite

ongoing criticism of the state of facilities. Some

individual athletes are still

withdrawing over concerns

although the New Zealand team about security and safety

has confirmed it plans to

head of the Australian take part in the Games. The

Olympics committee says the

event should never have been

awarded to India in the first place.

place. After days of

news arrives in New Delhi in

the form of the English team. The New Zealanders too still

plan to compete despite describing the situation in New Delhi as unacceptable and inexcusable. The board has

agreed that planning for the

team to go to Delhi will

continue and that we will

monitor the situation ahead of

of athletes arrivals next

week by delaying the athletes

arrivals what we have done is

to give the organisers time

to get the house in

order. Some of the most from Australia. In hindsight

no, they should not have been awarded the Games. The Olympics committee chief says

the gameses beyond the Indian organisers. The problem this

is the Commonwealth Games Federation is

Federation is under-resourced

and does not have the ability

to clearly the ability to monitor

monitor the progress of

cities in a way that the

Olympics committee does. We have 400 staff and people

visiting London and Rio.

Every few weeks we have

Every few weeks we have a coordination commission

coordination commission that

is very active and we have contracts in place which ensure the cities are required the meet certain

deadlines such as hosting

Test event one year before.

If that had been the case

here you would have certainly

- something would have upon

done sooner zbhmplts the

problems are far from fixed

but least now there is some

acknowledgement of their

acknowledgement of their existence. I

and would like the apologise

not only on my part for the organiseing committee but

everybody else connected. But

despite images like these

still come in out of the

athletesville damage man at

the centre of the allegations

remains unrepentant. There

are no major issues as far as

I can see. The President of

the Games fed direction is

the Games fed direction is

inspecting the athletes

accommodation for himself and

meeting with officials here

in New Delhi. He says there

have been some and he has acknowledged a

massive boost in the work as

the capital desperately ties

the get itself ready. A work

in progress. Members of Sydney's Fijian community say it is disfwas full that officials at the Villawood

detention centre cancelled a moment moral

moment moral service planned for this morning. Josefa

Rauluni died on Monday when

he leapt from a balcony at a

protest of his imminent deportation. Friends and family sobbed going ahead. The 36 year-old's

year-old's death prompted

days of rooftop protests at the centre.

the centre. Members of the

Fijian centre mourned, they

came the pay their respects

to Josefa Rauluni a 36

controlled Fijian man who

jumped from a building after

warning he would rather die

than be deported. His nephew detention last night. The

moment his uncle died haunt

him. I feel sad,

him. I feel sad, deal

depressed . Community leaders

say the detention centre cancelled plans to have a private service inside with

the fell co-de in the es who

saw Josefa Rauluni die. They

are people out here waiting

to celebrate, to have a

service out here but we are

not allowed. They watched on

as emotions spilled over

outside. I wonder what the

Government will do about this.

this. I'm struggling. The immigration department says

the company who managed the

centre Serco did not

the service. Serco gave Moe

the program yesterday. I came

yesterday and the pastor said

this is how we are going to

do the service. The rooftop

flow tests sparked by the

death ended late last

death ended late last night

hen the 9 remaining Chinese

protestors came down. Four

were taken to hospital as a

result of their self-imposed hunger

The fight in the British Labour Party to choose a

successor to Brown bounce has

been going on since May. It

has been a five-way race but

there are only two candidates in contention for the top

prize, brothers David and Ed

Miliband. The winner will be

announced tomorrow at to lay but party's conference in

Manchester. In a moment I will talk to the 'Guardian''s

assistant editor Michael

White but first we look at

the fraternal contest for

Britain's Labour leadership. UK lay been struggling to find itself

itself under the rubble of

the election defeat. For the

three months since Gordon

Brown and his family walked

out of Downing Street the

party has asked some

searching questions. Of the

five candidates in the

running for to lay pour

leadership it has come down

to

purple. They have more in

commonton colour of that

ties. They are both in their

ties. They are both in their 40s, went to the same schools

and come if the same back ground.. This is a two-horse

race and amazing between two

young middle-aged men brought

up in the same household by

the same parents and the same

bit of North London. It is a very unusual story. The Professor lectures in the school of before has the department studied such an extraordinary

leadership race. The big

question that has been raised

in Britain in the last few days is you know whether this

contest will somehow damage their personal relationship

or how long it will take them

to get over some of the

bitter thinks and spinning that has been done inevitably

as part of an election and we

will only know that after the

result. David Miliband is

considered the bookies favourite. The former Foreign Minister rose through ranks of the party under the political patronage of Tony

Blair who first employed him

as a 29-year-old head of

policy while Labour party was

last in last in opposition. His is

the new face of New Labour. Last year we saw offshore

wind Last year we saw offshore wind generation increase...

Ed held the controversial

climate change portfolio under the former Labour

Government. He started his

political career as a confidante of Gordon Brown. There are

There are many who think he

will win the ballot given he

has the powerful union

movement behind him. Do we

we know, to stick with New Labour

Labour or move on? All party

members myself included are

sick and tired of sick and tired of people fighting

fighting the battles of the

past. Both brothers want move forward away from Labour's

13-year civil war between the

so-called Blair its and the

Brown-ites. It is understood the Conservatives in

Coalition with the Liberal

Democrats are far more

fearful of a Labour Party

under David Miliband than

they would be under Ed Miliband. There is little pretence the Conservatives would rather

have Ed Miliband as Labour

leader than David. I think the Conservatives see David

Miliband as a sort service

heir to Tony Blair. That is

not quite as articulate, very

few people were as articulate

as Tony Blair but with the same appeal the middle-classes particularly in southern Britain and that is what

is what you need to win an

election frankly in the UK

these days. Many among the

party membership are expected

to vote for they believe has the best economic vision. While David

Miliband generally supports

the Government's austerity

dive his younger brother is more from the traditional

Labour school of taxing the

rich to give to the poor. Ed

Millie ban's critics have

dubbed him Red Ed claiming if he

he wins on Saturday Labour

will move the left. The one

Miliband who will not be at

the conference is their father. The late Ralph was a Marxist philosopher who

likely would not have voted

for either son, he was entirely opposed the the kind

of Democratic policies both represent. Their in very is

represent. Their in very is

still alive and says she will

abstain. A short time ago I

was joined from London by the assistant editor of the

'Guardian' Michael White. How did you anticipate the

Milibands will work together

if one or the other gets

Labour leadership job? Rflg

will, that much we know

unless there is a major upset and there

and there will not be. Well,

I have taken the view that

you know they will still be having

together at the end of the year

year but other people say it is more serious than that and

the decision of the younger

Miliband, that is Ed, to challenge his older from

there, one of the oldest

stories in history isn't it,

has been upsetting and it

will be even more upsetting

if he wins and some bookies say he has just today but bookies always say that. My hunch is the Labor Party

Party will probably vote for

its head and vote for the

older Miliband t one that wears the long rather than the younger who

is more attractive the party

activists but as we all know

that is not necessarily what

the voters want. Will each

serve in the other's Cabinet

if it comes to that?

if it comes to that? That is

what David Miliband has said

this morning in. It is all

over the front page of my own newspaper this morning. I

will serve under my You - well he would say that

won't he? He would have to

say that so I'm not convinced. We will see. If

you rewind the film a bit aer

or so ago there was a opportunity, an become the European Foreign

Minister in Brussels and

Minister in Brussels and

Miliband was offered it. David Miliband - sorry I David Miliband - sorry I have to keep distinguishing

between the 2 brothers, it

was given to someone you may

not have heard of and you

wonder if he is the seat warm if it goes wrong in Manchester hen the votes are counted. How

unified or otherwise is the Labour

Labour Party? How unified is yours or anybody's Labour Party? Funny thing about

parties of the left they talk

about putting the will of the

group ahead of the individual

but they are rampant individualists most. If anybody the Conservatives who

talk about individualists

tend to be more tend to be more collecttivies its

its and I'm sure that is true

in Australia as it is in

Britain. It has had a bad

defeat. It was not as bad as they expected when Gordon

Brown lost power on May 6 so

it has not fallen apart as it

did 20 years ago with Tony

Benn on the left and 50ers

ago with the founder of the

National Health service here,

they were pretty serious feuds. That

feuds. That has not happened

yet and frankly I do not

think it will but for the

brothers it had as been people had say defend the

last Labour Government we did

petty well over 11 years, we

made mistakes and those who say no actually say no actually it made a lot

of mistakes we have to move

on and do lot better than

Tony Blair bloke, who is he?

He only won thee elections!

I resume it will be up to the

I resume it will be up to the

new leader the stamp a strong

direction on the party if he

is fractured in the way you

describe? Rights the new

leader will have to tick a

count of the result. If is

close between the brothers

then the consider what the other was

saying and David Miliband has

been the one t older brother t one with Tony Blair all

along, he is the one had has

been saying we have to defend the record of the outgoing

Government, it did a lot of

Government, it did a lot of

good things an the younger

one who came into Parliament

only in 255 and into Cabinet,

he was fast tracked a few years later, it has been

easier for hip to disown a

record with which he was not

primarily involved the the

extent his brother was, complicated isn't are aware speaking of complicated political scenarios that we ended up

with a hung parliament in Australia too. How is the Cameron-Clegg Coalition

working out for you

there? It is fascinating it

should happen in both our

countries. We are not always

in step. I think yours is the

first since 1940, the first hung parliament. We have had a couple of hung parliaments

but what we have not had is a

Coalition and speaking as an

old lag when Gordon Brown

lost his majority on May 6

and David Cameron failed to get one get one I thought we will satisfy minority government,

this is what happens in this country and then David

Cameron pulled a fast one and courted -

courted - do you courted - do you still say courted - wooed the Liberal

Democrats into a fully

fledged coalition and when

were all surprised by that,

very surprised. I thought

Brown had lost so therefore he had no chance of forming he had no chance of forming a Government with the Liberal Democrats. If

Democrats. If you go into's

election and lose your

majority sphans I'm concerned

you have lost the election which is why I'm surprised

Julia Gillard has managed to

hang on, we will see how well

it works but this looks

solid. The problem is for the junior partner if the British

economy goes pear-shaped that

is because you cut borrowing

too quickly a mistake Conservatives always make, cut the borrowing, strange

tell eKochie, we are back in

a recession, it has happened

in Ireland next door and

their interest rates are

going up sharply. The bond can get growth. If that

happens in Britain too the

Coalition is in trouble and

it is the minor partner which made it all possible which will get the blame. Presumably that is the potentially obvious points of

weakness for the new opposition lead to exploit.

Is there anything else? That

is the big one. The

Opposition leader has to be

credible too. He cannot pretend as one or to

candidates have sound in this

campaign there is not a

problem with borrowing.

payoff the banking crisis and

one or two other things and

it was not in the same

position as your Government,

position as your Government, your new government coming in

was with pretty budget so he has to budget so he has to have credibility and not pretend it is not there, it is the

big elephant in the corner.

Other things which will be an easy target for Labour

leadership are the details, health

health care, transport budgets, roads, new police

buildings, police numbers, that is say if you cut our numbers

and unemployment goes up

there may be riots in the

street. You know the script!

And we may not be able to

manage it so leave the Treasury alone. The Treasury is to release its spending

plans next month. What did

you anticipate? Savage cuts?

The new Government said they have had riots on the streets

of Greece, the international

money market has lost

confidence in Greece,' they are paying an enormous

premium on their long-term were owing, we must not let

this happen here and the

avoid this we have to cut

deeperton outgoing Labor

Government. They promised to

half the deficit, that is the

annual over spend in five

year, over the next Parliament. This Government

has said no we will kept it

completely in the same five

years and that involved cuts in most Government

departments and Federal

Government departments of 25

to 20% an since they to 20% an since they have

ringfenced overseas aid to

say we are not heartless

Conservatives like Margaret

Thatcher, we care about the world's poor so two departments departments are ringfenced, health is popular, foreign

aid is popular so the others

have to take a hit at least

in theory. People talk about

half a million jobs lost plus

in the public services. It is

a risky straight gi.s I saw how angry people were to the

lead-up in the election. Every time people talked

about the necessity for deep

cuts in the elections so they

plunged tip polls but

Conservatives pack baed off

it. They used the price as a justification saying we can't

afford to lose control of our

debt, you saw what happened

in the eurozone. Maybe it is

a viable argument but nobody

thinks Britain's debt problems are like those of

the Greeks. They retire early

in Greece,' to go the beach. The public mood has been

recent full of the prospect

of cuts but fearful. We know

we are in difficult times and

that the American economy is faltering and faltering and we are

painfully aware as you must

be that the Chinese economy

is motoring ahead at an

enormous pace and there is a funds mental imbalance

between the global economy

between export giants and people who have stuck in too many imports but it is

rebalanced. Everybody says

after you, no mate, you take

the first steps first. We in a risky situation but we

are not out of it anywhere. Nick Clegg has been at the United Nations and says Australia needs to

restore its reputation to the

world. What is he talking about? Nick Clegg is Deputy Prime

Prime Minister, the leader of the third party. Never

expected to get anywhere near

a ministerial car and here he is in New York. David

Cameron's wife was having a

baby about now but show had

it early. Anyway he has had

his chance. When he talks

about restoring Britain's

reputation what he think from

a Liberal perspective is that Britain was badly damaged joining the war in Iraq and

badly damaged by allegations

it turned a blind eye to

contracted out-torture by

Pakistan or Egypt and other

countries where caucus does

not work very well. That is

what he is concerned about

and that is what means. Has there been any

recalibration unDavid Cameron

and Nick Clegg versus Blair

and Brown? Nick Clegg will

say we are more respective of human right and we will not

take shortcuts and we will

not get involved in foreign

wars but they are back wing

the policy of sticking with

Americans in Afghanistan. One

interesting development which

I think the Liberal Democrats

can take credit for this is the

the Conservatives have been

less whose style to the EU

than you would have thought judging by campaign And the Foreign Secretary

Hague has modified his own language and dare I say it, boring but keeping nice to

the Americans and get a working relationship with

Barack Obama but I think I'm

right saying Hague has been to China. We knew neglect

China which for reasons is foolish. Thank

you. Japanese authorities

plan to release the captain

of a fishing boat. The

incident occurred in the east

China sea earlier this month

and the arrest of the captain

caused a row. caused a row. Beijing

withdraw from talks to Tokyo and suspended the talks

dealing with electric cars.

Japan-China relations showed

indications of worsening over

thissish u. I think relations are very important and both

countries should make an

effort to develop strategic and mutually Bennishal

recommendationses. Yesterday

the Chinese Government

Checked has caused a walk out of the UN General Assembly.

Delegates to the U N, Australia

Australia and European Union

walked it after the claim was

that the American Government

organised the September 11

attacks. The President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the

attacks were stageed to

justify military operation in

the Middle East and increase support for Israel.

TRANSLATION: Some section

little in the US

araped the attack to save the regime. American officials

described the outburst as a de a solutional conspiracy theory. Republicans have

unveiled a man to undo much

of the agenda. Today the

White House said the policy

is nothing new but it was the

opening salvo from a little-known high you

Congressman who hopes to

can't gore eyes who will become the become the next Leader of the

House of represents.

House of represents. No ties

a backdrop in a hardware

store The government is out

of control in Washington. We

need to bee in a new drive

for a smaller loss costly and more accountable Government in our nation's capital. No

for instance, short on the blueprint stopping the owe

game what elections. The mid-term elections are weeks

away but a little-known

61-year-old is closing in. I

think in these press

conferences he has been

having he has been careful

not to act like he has been

measuring the drapes

is! A rare American, someone

who knows a lot about John Bainner. She has

following him for his 20

years career in Congress.

You want him to be Speaker

for a long time. He is a neat

freak kind av guy. I deny

know if you have had to deal

with him much but he is told - he is

he sort of see assist all

these disorderly people and

wants to go out this and

bring some order to the whole

thing and I think if he is

elected Speaker that is what

he will do.

he will do. Barack Obama

travelled to the Republicans

home tonne and went after his

by name. This were no new

policies for this man. The no

was said which seems like

commonsense! But not to Mr Baner and is all eyes. Right

now the political battle is

Obama versus Barack Obama. He

cannot match Barack Obama in

terms of television, presence

or personal charisma. He is a

in the scenes player, he comes across awkwardly, he is

not as articulate as the me

which is the contrast that

the White House would love to

lift up. His life story lift up. His life story is allegation classic rags to

riches tail. The second of 12

children from a large

Catholic family he was the

first to go to university

where it took him 7 years to

get his de grey. He met his

wife cleaning her trash bin. He arrived here in 1991.

He smokes, drinks and loves

to play golf. 'Newsweek' describings him as a Chamber

of Commerce Conservatives and he

he has come under fire for being close the industry

Years ago I remember when he

was head of the house

was an issue with him passing

out cheques from political

action committees. Do you say it was done it was done openly with

transMarsh theen say and accountability. Without back

room doors hidden from the people? Hell you can't. As

house minority leader he

fought to the last Dwaine is the Barack Obama health care

changes, I describe Barack Obama as a Obama as a deal maker but he has little in common with the

- We will - We will see Government by subpoena. They will investigate the White House,

call it minimum station officials investigate. He was a side man when $the Government down. Sabrina

says the time Barack Obama will not over

will not over reach. Was a good PR move which i will

doubt. If the polls are right

in 6 weeks the little-known

Ohio Congressman could be the

next Speaker but John Peter

Russell will also be in the firing line. Conventional wisdom inside tell

wisdom inside tell belt is it

is a double edge. If they are

Ingrid lock it will be harder

for the Republicans to put

all the blame on Barack Obama

in the 01. Tomorrow the Saint

meet the Pies at the gee which roughly translated means St Kilda and

Collingwood are battling it

out for the premiership. The

two men first met in 66 when St Kilda won its only

premiership the two sides

took parts in a dra national

parade. If the Melbourne Cup

is the event that stops a

nation then the AFL grand

final would come a pretty

close second. Grand final eve

sees the traditional Pa rate

where prematch nerves where prematch nerves have on

preliminary game. They are down. 100,000 people packed central Melbourne. One of biggest in years. A rare

moment for modern sport means

players should be a part of it, is a great celebration on the AFL football calendar. Not just about Collingwood whooped future yes. It

highlight how big football is

in Melbourne. It is the Mecca

of the come after means a lot

of it will really sing

in. Tomorrow millions will watch St Kilda and Collingwood. 50-50.

Hopefully we will win. I hope

by 4 goals John. This morning Collingwood had training run. It has been the

dominant side but it can

change on grand final day.

The previous form was

confident but we are not

overconfident. St Kilda know overconfident. St Kilda know

its plans and players week. But you can draw on that. The

last time these teams met at a grand final

ago and St Kilda won bay points. Will his industry repeat itself? For the repeat itself? For the 15th time.

'In 2006, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

invited the biggest celebrities in the world to watch them get married in Italy, in the biggest and best ceremony of all time.' I do! Woo! (LAUGHS) Yes! 'Tom was happier than anyone in the history of the whole world, but that road to happiness had been long and rocky. When Tom was just 11, his father had walked out.' And bollocks to the lot of you. He's gone. There's a void at the core of my being. How will I ever fill it up? 'Soon an entirely legitimate alien-race-based religion would solve all of Tom's problems, and tonight we tell that story.'

Woo! GONE WITH THE WIND THEME

'By the time Tom Cruise was 5'4", he had established himself as the founder and leader of the Brat Pack,

and landed a part in Francis Ford Coppola's The Outsiders - although on set, it was Tom himself who was the outsider.' This shit is the bomb! Want a toke, Emilio Estevez, my brother? Oh, no thanks, Charlie Sheen. I've got enough on my plate trying to satisfy the sexual needs of my feisty new girlfriend, Demi Moore. Oh, shut up back there. You guys make me sick. What do you think, Kiefer Sutherland? I'm bored, Tom. I'm going to draw a big cock on Robert Redford's car. (BOTH LAUGH)

Is that all you guys care about?

The next cheap thrill? The next kick? That's right. When I've done that, I'm going to burn down Sylvester Stallone's shed. (BOTH LAUGH)

None of you guys know what it is to struggle. You've all got famous fathers. Martin Sheen, Donald Sutherland. Patrick Moore. And now you're just pissing your careers up the wall. Patrick Swayze, your dad's not famous like the others. Come with me! We can learn our lines, practise our smiles. Gee, Tom, I really want to, but I want to fit in with the guys.

Hey, Swayze...dance for us. Sure thing, guys. Swayze! Swayze! Swayze! Swayze! Swayze!

Damn you all! I'm going solo. Like the maverick I am. Woo! 'Soon, Tom's hard work led to his first really big break, in the film Risky Business.' ROCK-AND-ROLL MUSIC

'It was his first lead role, and he was quite literally shitting himself.' Cut! That was great, Tom. (WHISPERS) Shh! We'll sort it out in post. Oy. 'Meanwhile, in Australia, little known but highly ambitious ginger actress Nicole Kidman was attending the premiere of her topless aquatic epic, Dead Calm.' (BELCHES) Great movie, Nicole.

My favourite bit's where you get your tits out. Yes, thank you. (BELCHES) Christ, and that was the film's director.

I've got to get out of Australia, Sam Neil, my co-star. I've just got to. I like Australia, Nicole. I like the cricket. I like the wine. I like the kanga... Oh, shut your gob. I've had three months of your crap. The only way I'm going to get out of this dump is to marry Tom Cruise. We're going to be the king and queen of Hollywood. Why him? Why not Emilio Estevez? Why not Ch... No! Tom's the one. I'm going to make him my husband and co-star. I don't know why you're so interested in him. He's got the worst teeth I've ever seen in a contemporary leading man. His teeth, that's it! Sam, if you weren't such a fucking bore I'd kiss you. I'd like a kiss. I'd like a cuddle. I'd like to hold hands. I'd like to go for a walk. I'd like... 'Unfortunately for Nicole, Tom had just got married to actress/Scientologist Mimi Rogers, and despite Mimi being over three inches taller than him, they were a perfect match.' Mimi, this new movie I'm doing, Legend - would a pixie go, woo-hoo! or...woo-hoo!? Tom, you're so dedicated, but our guests will be arriving at any moment. DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, it's John Travolta and Kirstie Alley. DISCO MUSIC Hey, have you lost weight? Yeah, six stone. Yeah, we just finished work for the day on our new movie, Look Who's Talking. (LAUGHS) Sounds hilarious. Yeah, it's about a talking baby. True story? Yeah. Why don't we leave the girls and take a turn around the gardens, yeah? OK. It's OK with you ladies?

I've got to say, John, this religion of yours, Scientology, it sounds...completely mental. (LAUGHS) Yeah, a lot of people think that, Tom. In fact, when I first heard it myself, I thought it was absolute fucking nonsense. But then when I looked deeper into it, it made total sense.

Really? Sure! It's also helped take my career into daring new areas. My new movie - it's called Look Who's Talking Too. I don't know. I just don't know.

Why don't you take a look at these leaflets. "Why believing in aliens isn't rubbish." Spaceship on there. Scientology! Of course! It all makes perfect sense. Woo!

'Tom was now a Scientologist, and soon his career really picked up.' Another one in the bag.

You know, Mimi, I'd have converted to Scientology

even if John Travolta hadn't hit me over the head with a shovel. I'm Don Simpson, and I want you to star in Top Gun. I don't know. I just don't know. This is where I need Scientology the most. If only my alien guides would send me a signal.

That's it. It's a sign from the aliens! Thanks, Scientology. Woo! Don Simpson, I'll do your movie. OK, but there's one condition. You've got to get your teeth sorted out. My teeth? What's wrong with my teeth? Look at them, man. They're a right fucking mess.

Now, you've got 24 hours to fix them. I've got to find a dentist... RIGHT NOW! Tom? 'Tom needed a dentist, and fast. So he decided to look for one at a top Hollywood party.' Excuse me, are you a dentist?

Wow! Sorry, Dustin Hoffman.

I didn't recognise you in those clothes. Tom Cruise. Fancy bumping into you like this. I'm...researching. For my new role as Tootsie. Yes, that's what I'm doing. But you appeared in Tootsie over five years ago. Did I? Yes, yes I did, didn't I? Oh well, then, I suppose I should go home and change. Bye, Tom. Robin Williams, you best come too. Come on, Robin. Och, no!

Taxi! RAUNCHY JAZZ MUSIC

Excuse me, can I ask you a question? No worries. Would you mind sitting down in order to make me seem taller? Sure thing, cobber. You're so beautiful, so willowy. Like a type of tree. A willow tree? No. More of a poplar. Sorry, but I've got to go. But why? My teeth need fixing. Your teeth?

But all the dentists are closed. I know. Wait, I've recently completed a course in dentistry. Here's my certificate to prove it. Well, this all seems to be in order. Think you can handle it? Yes. Let's go up to my room. No anaesthetic. It's the Scientology way.

Woo-ha! My gnashers, they're beautiful. And I don't even know that dentist's name. What's this? NICOLE: "Dear Tom, I had to get up early cos I'm having my ginger bits dyed brown this morning. But no worries, mate, just watch this film I'm in.

I get them out. You know, my tits. See you soon, Nicole." Great, an actress. And she doesn't mind getting them out. 'With his new teeth, Tom started work on Top Gun three hours later.' Let's play volleyball. Woo! It's all yours, baby. Yeah!

BOTH: Woo! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Ricardo, you wrote the script, right? You don't think that all this is a bit too gay, do you? What? You crazy? Is fabulous, is delicious. You silly goose. (LAUGHS) OK, Viper Man, Ice Man, Construction Man, Indian, Sailor Man, Police Man, let's roll! VILLAGE PEOPLE: Woo! Yeah! Let's go! All right! 'Top Gun wasn't gay, but it was a worldwide sensation.

Then Tom's brilliant work on Born On The Fourth Of July earned him an Oscar nomination. Unfortunately, that year's Oscars was a veritable spaz-fest, with more wheelchairs than the Paralympics. Tom was out-spackered by double-barrelled knob jockey Daniel Day-Lewis and his left foot.' The Oscar goes to... Daniel Day-Lewis. APPLAUSE

Have that! (GROANS) 'Luckily, Tom still had his video of Dead Calm to watch.' NICOLE: Oh, my grundies! You can see my white pointers now. Oh, you mongrel. Get off, you great galah. Not really. Touch 'em. I like it. I like it a lot. Woo-hoo! Mimi! I thought you were out giving free stress tests. That's OK, Tom. There's no need to explain.

One of the great things about our religion, Scientology, is its non-judgemental attitude towards self-harm and marital infidelity. Thanks, Mimi. Thanks a lot. And because we're both good Scientologists,

I'm sure that we'll mutually respect each other, and never imply that the other one doesn't like lots of heterosexual sex. 'Tom enjoyed Dead Calm. Completely coincidentally, he and Mimi soon got divorced. Then, completely coincidentally, he cast Nicole Kidman in his new film. Then, completely coincidentally, that new film,

Days Of Thunder turned out to be absolute toss.' Oh Nicole, I love you so much. I don't even care that our movie, Days Of Thunder, has gone right down the shitter. Well, it was a blatant rip-off of Top Gun, you lazy fucker. Pardon my French. Yes, I see that now. That's not important. What's important is I found you. And you're prepared to crouch slightly when we're in public. And I'm a Scientologist! You'll convert, won't you? Oh Tom, you had me at "crouch slightly". Oh Nicole...let's get married! Tom, this is so sudden. I've picked out the rings and my folks fly in on Wednesday. Woo-hoo! 'Because Tom was such a good husband, he readily accepted Nicole's suggestion to star in the film Far And Away, directed by former Happy Days star Ron Howard.' Oh, would you look at that, would you? There's no potatoes, to be sure. We'll have to immigrate to America, so we will. We can't go to America. Whee!

They'll steal my pot of gold. Cut. OK, guys, that was swell. Now, for this next shot,

Ralph and Potsie are sitting in the booth... I thought my character was called Kathleen. Let's just say Potsie for now. Mr C - that's you, Tom - is here when the Fonz comes in, hits the jukebox, gives it the thumbs up and says, "Hey." Oh, sorry. Did it happen again? Yes, Ron, it did. I am so sorry. Fonzie, I'm not going to need you. Hey, Cunningham, you promised Fonzarelli. Fonzarelli even learned the Riverdance, check it out. TRADITIONAL IRISH MUSIC 'Far And Away was released in 1992, and was Tom's first real failure. Days Of Thunder and Legend had failed, but this one really munched some cock. As the years passed, cracks were beginning to show in Tom and Nicole's relationship.' (SIGHS) Hurry up this time. Woo! 'And it wasn't just his relationship with Nicole that was causing problems. Inexplicably, the gutter press were accusing Tom of being a bit of a bender.' Damn it, Nicole, how can I prove to the world I'm not a massive bender? Quit your moaning, will you, Tommy? I'll sort it.

We could show us having it off in our next film, Eyes Wide Shut. Look, Stanley Kubrick's started filming already. And cut. It's an honour to work with you, Mr Kubrick. Ah...likewise, Tom. OK, for this next take, why don't you pull down her top, and grab yourself a handful of titty. What was wrong with the last take? Ah...boom was in shot. I need another one. Action. Oh yeah, titty, mm.

There's some titty. (MOANS) Let's go again. 18 months out of our lives. Still, it was great to work with an artist the calibre of Stanley Kubrick. He's a beardy little pervert. I'm off for a crap. Well, I'm sure the reviews will make it all worthwhile. Papers! Over here. Thanks, buddy. Fingers crossed. (LAUGHS)

Oh. MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Hello, is that Nicole? No, it's Tom Cruise, her husband. Oh. She did marry you. Yes. Nine years ago. The papers can be rather erratic out here in Australia. I know. Nicole told me all about it. She told you? And you don't mind that she deliberately set out to become your wife and co-star and build your career so that you would become the king and queen of Hollywood? What?! I meant she told me

about the erratic newspaper delivery in Australia!

Oh. I seem to have rather put my foot in it. No bog paper. I had to use your script for Mission Impossible 2. I just had a phone call from Sam Neil. What did that boring fucker want? I know about your plan. Do you? Well, I don't give a fuck. I made you what you are. You'd be nothing without me.

And in a few weeks' time we'll have been married for ten years, so if you do divorce me, you'll have to support me forever.

How can you say that? You're a Scientologist. Scientology? More like Wankology. My latest co-star Ewan McGregor's got a much better religion than you. Why not join the Jedi, Tom? The Force is strong with you. Never! The only true alien-based religion is Scientology!

Suit yourself. Come on, Nicole, we've got to finish Moulin Rouge. (LAUGHS) Thetans? More like Wankans. (BOTH LAUGH)

Ginger twats! 'Tom had lost Nicole and his faith in Scientology. He started to hang out with the Brat Pack again.' Hey, look, Tom. I'm screwing a porn star. Good for you, Charlie. I'm glad you finally came round to seeing things our way, Tom. Yeah. I'm dead inside. Giving myself up to meaningless pleasure. That's why I'm doing this sudoku! 'But enough Scientology remained in Tom for his innate professionalism to kick in.' I think that's enough sudoku for one day. Don't go, Tom. We're going to stick dog poo through Clint Eastwood's letterbox. No, Kiefer. As much as I'd like to put dog poo through Mr Eastwood's letterbox, I need to learn my lines for my new movie, Vanilla Sky. 'So Tom began filming Vanilla Sky with half-pint Hispanic heart throb, Penelope Cruz.'

Hello, Mr Tom. Oh, why you look so sad? Hi, Penelope Cruz. I must say, I love your country. Spain. Do you want this donkey, Mr Tom?

Si. You know, Penelope, it's a long time since I met someone with your zest for life. How tall are you? Oh, 5'4". I'm falling in love with my co-star, and she's smaller than me! It must be Scientology. Aliens are real! Yeah! 'Tom had come to his senses and realised Scientology was bloody brilliant. It was time to tell Penelope all about it.'

Penelope, we need to talk. Okey-kokey, Mr Tom. It's about my religion, Scientology. Si. What does this involve, then? Well... DRAMATIC MUSIC

(HUMS) A spaceship rowboat, with the aliens. That's even madder than my religion, and I'm a bloody Catholic, isn't it? (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But you'll marry me, right? Marry you? Shaddap you face. If it's OK, Mr Tom, I'm going to run away from you. Arriba, arriba! Andale, andale! 'Had Scientology failed Tom?' I'm so alone. 'He was so alone.' That must be John Travolta come to visit! Hey, Tom. Got those duty frees you asked for.

Hey, you know what they call Bensons in France? No. Bensons. Thanks, John, but it'll take more than 200 Bensons and a bottle of gin to cheer me up. The marriage to Penelope is off. You know what would help? I'm finished with Scientology. OK, Tom, it's your decision. By the way, let me introduce you to Katie Holmes. ROBOT WHIRRS She's beautiful.

Greetings, earthman. I am here to serve you. Would you mind if I did this? Wow, Katie Holmes, where have you been all my life? Processing. Answer: Dawson's Creek. Will you marry me? Affirmative. I mean, yes. Yes! How do you feel about Scientology now, Tom? I don't know. I just don't know. # Hare Krishna, Hare, hare Krishna... # # Hava nagila Hava nagila... # Woo! I'm a seventh-level Thetan again. (BOTH LAUGH) 'Tom couldn't wait to go on television and tell Oprah Winfrey how much he loved Katie. Unfortunately, he made a bit of a prick of himself.'

Woo! Woo! 'Soon everyone thought he was a complete mentalist, and Paramount Pictures sacked him. Tom needed Scientology more than ever.' Scientology will save me. I just know it will. DOORBELL RINGS Gosh! Do you guys have tails? Oh.

It's an offer from United Artists. They want me to head their studio. Actually, guys, Katie's been acting kind of weird lately. Tom, I am...pregnant.

Woo! Do you promise to love her, cherish her, rid her of any attached Thetans, and to let Xenu have a go on her if ever he so wishes? I do. Woo! And do you, Katie Dot Matrix T-100 Sony Bravo Electrolux Holmes promise to give this man cats, combs, love, and not to ever exterminate him? He will live. You may kiss the bride. Woo! Yeah! (ALL CLAP) Hey, guys. I didn't know you were actually invited. Congratulations, Tom. It all worked out great for you. Yes it has, Kiefer, and it's all because of Scientology. Scientology sounds great, Tom. Are your two friends Scientologists? Yeah, they're... Scientologists from Europe. Gosh, Tom, Scientology really worked for you.

You're the biggest star in the world, and we're just a bunch of twats. Do you want me to dance for you? No, Swayze. Let's all dance. WOO! WOO! 'Thanks to Scientology, Tom Cruise lived happily ever after. If you'd like Scientology to change your life, then log on to scientologyisgreat.com, and spend around ?4,000 on one of our great books.'

Woo-hoo! Closed Captions by CSI