Note: Where available, the PDF/Word icon below is provided to view the complete and fully formatted document
Disclaimer: The Parliamentary Library does not warrant the accuracy of closed captions. These are derived automatically from the broadcaster's signal.
Gruen Planet -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) Closed Captions by CSI .

Is This Program Is Captioned

Live. (Applause)

G'day. I'm Wil Anderson.

This is Gruen Planet, where we

hold the week upside down and

see what kind of spin and

branding falls out of

in a moment, but first, how

extreme can PR get? Ultra

violent Mexican drug cartel Zetas now have a publicity

wing. Which has been requesting

that local newspaper editors

run its press releases. And

when I say"" ... (Laughter) --

when I say requesting, I mean

at gun point. (Laughter) The

Zetas are also managing their reputation in social media. Last month, three bloggers were

murdered, their mutilated

corpses dumped in public as a

warning to on-line haters. I feel bad when I block people on

Twitter! As my saintly

grandmother always said, if you can't say anything nice, get the hell out of

Mexico! (Laughter)

I'm not scared of the Zetas,

by the way. I'm for freedom of

speech or my name isn't Adam

Hills. (Applause) On branding front, thanks to

grewen viewer Maggie Kavanagh

for sending in this photo from

WA of a butchery promising with typical Kimberley tough, tasteless, fatty meat,

and iffy seafood. It was also a

description of the Kyle and

Jackie O Show. It's closer to

Tsar quachl in truth an

advertising. It will

nonetheless prepare you for

this insightful animal rights

ad from the States. Save the

every creature is sacred, no crab. Save it to show that

matter how small. Or just save

it so we can chop it up into

tasty little crab cakes. This

was brought to you by Legal

Seafoods. (Laughter) I don't

want to she their ad for save

the children! Gruen Planet, get

that dentist-clean feeling.

Time to welcome the panel

and Wynard from Leo Burnett Todd Hampson

Howcroft. They're joined by two

Gruen knew bees, an issues

management specialist who last year represented Kristy

Fraser-Kirk in her

David Jones Anthony McLellan.

And from Moon Communications a

woman once challenged with her

team to rebrand the entire country of Jamaica, it's Anouk


The royal jet touched down

in Canberra a couple of hours ago, disgorging Liz both and

her gaffe prone handbag for

their 395th Australian tour.

The modest reception was a far

cry from the old days when we

were reliably bananas. The

royal couple passed 200 boys

and girls and now begins the wattle dance. (Laughter) Wattle dance really didn't

catch on, did it? That's what

people did before television,

kids. Knots your heart to see

of that footage again? Korean style. Can we see some

(Applause) (Laughter) (Applause)

for The royals are a big ad, but

Queen and brand royal

sell? They ultimately sell

brand UK. And it's sometimes

better to think of them as less

business, 'cause they all do it of a family, more of a

in different ways. The Queen is

the - she's kind of the mascot.

She's sort of our UK equivalent

to Paul Hogan. But the other

royals are quite interesting. Like, Prince Edward and Prince

Andrew are both heavily

involved in industry in the UK.

So they've commercialised the

involved in royal handshake. This are'

referred to as the closers. Big

deals go into the UK, they go

in and shake their hands and

close the deals. We do

research on the royals in

UK agency. What they stand for, obvious stuff but they stand

for class and tradition but

most importantly they stand for

aspiration there is an enormous

amount of wealth generated

purely because if a royal

drives an Aston Martin then

there is the aspiration to

therefore wealth drive an Aston Martin and

generation. Isn't the key brand

with the royals the family

itself? I mean, what they're

fuel I had stay as they are. about is making sure

And I think they've been

remarkable, I suppose the

Queen's the one exception in

terms of she's given stability

and tradition and ceremony so to countries all around the world. She is surrounded by this whacko family who look

like they've escaped from a

royal version of Dallas. She's

the ultimate A-lister. She is a celebrity anointed by God, she

has been doing it for 50 years.

She is A-list at its top. We

look at building brands. She is

the true platform, the foundation. She takes

Firm . Literally. When you

join, Kate had the lecture

about joining the Firm. It's a

serious business as well as a

brand. In 2005 the 'Times'

estimated if the royals floated on the Stock Exchange, they'd

be worth 6 billion quid. Yet when you Google Queen visits

Oprah. (Laughter) Australia, you get shots of

A woman who gets the kind of

welcome the Queen used to. They

gathered from 5am. It didn't

seem to matter that Oprah wasn't expected for hours. She's a giver not a taker. (Laughter) She's just amazing.

amazing. My idol. I live to see

her, I will be right. (Applause) Please, no-one tell her.

(Laughter) I don't think she

could handle the news. A lot

has changed since 1954. You

don't count these days unless

you (bleep) ... It's not really a brand in its own right. It's

a house brands which is what

the royals have become. Within

that you have lots of quirky

spin-offs, like Harry. Like

Charles. They've got their own Phillip. Like Camilla and

shows. The Queen's got Phil and Oprah's got Dr Phil. (Applause)

At a pre-tour gathering of prominent Aussies at Buckingham

Palace last week, Elle Macpherson grabbed some Macpherson

publicity for her lingerie line by saying the Queen would look

great in her undies. No Elle,

she wouldn't. (Laughter) Todd,

if you could get the Queen to

do an endorsement, what do an endorsement, what brand would you match her with? Maybe

Land Rover, one tough mother. (Applause)

certainly don't need a licence

to breathe royal oxygen as this

T Mobile ad proved. SONG: # Everybody in the house of love # # Everybody in the house of love # (Applause)

Shits all over our wattle

dancing! That's only been

watched 25 million times on

YouTube. Russell, why does that

work? A lot of great ads over

the years have been highly

topical, highly entertaining.

And just great fun. Likability

is what great advertising does.

Makes you like the brand more.

Makes you go out and buy it.

The royal family I think would

actually love things they've got to do for

their brand is take the

demographics down. I would've

thought the media managers at Buckingham Palace and

everywhere else are saying that is absolutely fantastic. I wouldn't be surprised.

a royal YouTube channel. If you're really you're really

bored. (Laughter) Is the royal

YouTube channel called WeTube?

They're probably high fiving

each other going there's cool

Britannia right there. There are brand guidelines, do, what they say, what they

wear, where they go, it's all

set. Any deviation that, Harry,

Phillip, Charles, it really freaks everybody out. Because

an entire gossip industry is built behind the scenes. This

is kind of what you hope they would

would let loose. Touchingly

the wedding brought out the

entrepreneur in many people,

with an estimated 222 million

pounds worth of souvenirs sold.

Each more tacky than the last. You could buy royal condoms. Kiss me Kate Kiss me Kate beer. Celebratory sick bags. And my favourite,

the Will and Kate fridge. Nothing says loyal love like frigidity. (Applause) Anthony,

who can you see making money off this Australian trip? I

think both print and TV will

get a boost in their ratings

and their circulation, because

it's like having your nice old

granny coming to visit and people want

people want to look at

it. (Laughter) It's

interesting how they try to

prevent people from making

money off the royals. When wedding happened it was one of the few times in history where

they forced the broadcast to be

without commercials and they

have their own internal publicity company that controls

everything. They've threatened recently in the

press that anyone who tries to

do a palm-off of Kate uses the

name Kate Middleton in any way shape

shape or form willing under copyright restraint. It's interesting how they control

their own press. They are really strong and

really strong and rigid about

it. Look what they did to The

Chase er boys. They forced them

off air. Last week a poll

showed support for the monarchy

rose here rising to 55%

only 34% bucking a republic only 34% bucking a republic -- backing a public there is a genuine buzz around Will and

Kate. If you're the republic an

side how could you counter act that? They're waiting for the Queen to die. Then I think when

she dies it will be the next

big push. Kate and Wills' young

popularity willable pro be the

biggest weapon they use in the

fight for the republic. The

strategy always should've been

to go to Britain in the late 9

0s and interview on the streets

pompous British people saying

"What are you doing, you're

weak kneed, you haven't got a

spine, get an act we don't want

you anyway." That was to become a republic in an

advertising sense. The issue

now is one of apathy. People

just don't care. It's like why

bother? Any reason for us not

to do something, we'll take

it. (Applause) Actually, it. (Applause) Actually, if the republicans better

headlines, all they have to ask

is, what would Putin do?

If Vladimir Putin wanted to prove

prove he could do things that

85-year-old Queens can't, where

would he start? Easy. He'd get the cameras into a local gym like he did in 2009, and then demonstrate his Judeo moves, putting a parade of hapless victims on their

backs. Do you reckon many of

them thought about not letting

him win? (Laughter) I'm

guessing nyet. Gruen Planet,

it's a little bit posh.

Let's couldn't down this

week's publicity hits. At No.

3, English chocolate company

thor thor which unveiled a 4 mt square 6 tonne slab of milk

chocolate the world's largest block. It was all going so

well, until they ran into the

guys rolling largest joint. (Laughter)

And we all had a fun day.

No. 2. Clubs Australia, this

week, we came across an extraordinary press release,

issued earlier this year. A one

pager about mandatory

pre-commitment that contains no

fewer than 21 errors. It starts promisingly, typing gambling

incorrectly in the headline.

Then finds three different Then finds three different ways

to spell commitment.Ed a as new

word to the English language.

Pickling. And signeds --

signs off with a linguistic

invention that suggests someone is keyboard. In their defence they probably wrote it with one hand

while holding a beer and

playing the pokies with the

other. And smoking the world's biggest biggest joint. (Laughter) Our

winner, drum roll please. Is

the US national hot dog and

sausage council for its

shameless attempt to cash in on

former golf genius Tiger Woods who was about

when a spectator lobbed a hot

dog at him barely even getting it onto the green. When I

looked up, the hot dog was already in the already in the air. (Laughter)

The bun kind of disintegrating

there. Oh he's so happy,

normally he is in trouble for

waving his hot dog at other

people. (Laughter) (Applause)

There is a crowd tradition of

trying to get your message across by throwing things.

Remember when an Iraqi

journalist rocketed his

footwear at George W. Bush in

2008? Then there was the

copycat an Q & A. Last year an

author hurled a copy of his new

book at Obama's head during a

rally in Philadelphia. Not

worried about the book, I'm worried about that

near his head! The moron who

threw the hot dog threw the hot dog at Tiger

Woods just did it because he's

a moron. But Anouk, if you were

the US national hot dog the US national hot dog and

sausage council, how would you

have taken advantage of that

moment? It was actually a gift.

You need to act quickly. The

risk is to further to your quip before to go down the whole Tiger Woods get close to the

sausage hole in one moment. Or

to actually try and think a bit

more strategically and really

have some fun with what we call

tone of voice, how the brand could potentially speak and

behave and have a point of

view. The hot dog could now

take the moral high ground and actually stand against

infidelity and start appearing

in hot dog stands across

America with its own point of

view. It could even bow in on

the election, Democrats versus

Republicans, it's a whole new

space for the hot dog.

(Laughter) What did happen? As soon as

Wiener hit putting green the

council quickly released a

statement insisting the use of

an iconic food in a violent way

is reprehensible. Hot dogs are meant to be enjoyed, not

weaponised. Hold on, hot dogs

can be enjoyed? Since when?

Well, since this contender for

worst product. Introducing the

happy hot dog. It brings

ordinary hot dogs to life

making lunchtime more fun. Just

put your hot dog pee hot dogman and close the

lid. The happy hot dogman makes

a happy hot dog. Now a happy hot dog. Now you're all vegetarians. Gruen Planet, where spring comes from.

And now, the pitch where we

challenge ad agencys with

impossible briefs based on real world scenarios this week their

client is completely

fictitious. It's Australia's

No. 1 airline , Qantas. (Laughter) The flying

wallaby. And the brief, make an

ad that explains why moving

airline operations offshore is actually the patriotic thing to do. Can they do it? Please

welcome from Make Murray Bergin and from Think Bone, Dean


Murray, how did you get your

idea off the ground? We just

went where the energy was and

had a bit of fun doing it. Let's have a look.

It's an Aussie's God given right to take a sickie.

To extend a weekend.

To have a bludge. To live for holidays. And every time you've

taken that day in lieu the

family vacation or weekend

escape, we've been there for

you. To ensure you still get to

enjoy your holidays, we need

our staff to be there for you

too. If our workers keep

to get away we'll find others

happy to fill in for them.

Qantas - it's Australian to

want a holiday. It's

un-Australian to ruin someone else's. (Applause)

How did you deal with the

bag Hajj? One in 20 Australians have moved overseas to make a

life for themselves. That means

that most of us would know

someone who has gone overseas.

I'm pretty sure we'd still call

them. You liked Kylie and Russell in would you love them if they

hadn't gone overseas? If they'd

stayed on Ramsay Street and

never fulfilled their

potential? It just wouldn't be

the same. Like when Russ held

aloft his Oscar, when Kylie's

bum was bigger news than

Madonna's. How proud were you to be an Australian then? And

so we too are moving overseas.

To the heart of the action. To

fulfil our potential as the

best in the world. And like other other great Aussie icons before us, make you proud. (Applause)

Well done. Russell, which of the pitches did you prefer? I

loved Murray's the end line on

Murrays, it's an un-Australian

to ruin someone else's holiday

that was great. But Dean I'm

actually persuaded mate. If you

want to be at the heart of the

action, and to fulfil action, and to fulfil your potential, then you've got to

head off overseas. Well done

mate, I thought that was great.

So Dean. (APPLAUSE) Anouk,

which one did you prefer? I have

both absolutely brilliant. For

me, taping into that whole you know spirit of Australia and

it's very Australian to want a holiday, etc., etc., so I had to go with No. 1. (Applause)

Anthony? Look, I think the

first one really touched into

the bludger culture of

Australia. I love the bit with

the boot falling apart off the

worker that was just - that was classic. But I actually thought

the second one was a smoother

very well to the values of all our

our iconic Australians who've

made it well overseas. I'm

going for No. 2. (Applause) Todd? I'm also going for No. 2. Congratulations. (Applause)

That's how our panel flew.

You can parachute your thoughts

onto our web site, Facebook

page or Twitter feed. Gruen Planet, no fishy aftertaste.

This week with the Occupy

Wall Street movement spreading

worldwide, Ben and Jerries

released a statement in support

of the protesters. Despite the

fact that the US ice-cream

brand is own bid union lee lever the kind of multinational

corporation people are

demonstrating against. Check

out these post Arab Spring ads

for Coke and Pepsi with young

Egyptians turning dark times into colour and light.

What's going on

here? (Laughter) Russell

... (Laughter) I don't mean in

general. What's going on here?

People are like I'm on the

wrong channel, it's SBS. Why do

Coke and Pepsi want to associate

associate their brands with

revolution? They always have

Will. There is a demographics

thing going on thing going on here as much as

anything. In the Western World

the baby boomers, you get into

the late 6 0s and 70s and Pepsi and Coke attach themselves to

the social revolutions that

were occurring then. It's in

the DNA if you like of these American brands to attach

themselves to youth,

generational change, chiming up

mountain, I'd like to teach the

world to sing, those of us old

enough to remember it, that is absolutely what these brands have always done around the

world. Rebellion is one - world. Rebellion is one - has

been and is one of the key e emotional drivers for

communication. There are rebel brands within each category

that exists. The question is,

how much of it is advertising,

how much of it is too much of a

mesh with social comment

ree? Isn't part of the problem

the fact they're trying to

hijack the values of the

revolution? I think that's very

dangerous. But I mean I think these brands, from my

understanding, have a younger demographic. They're the people who are watching who are watching these ads or they're demonstrating in Tahrir Square. These people aren't

stupid. They think look at this

ad and say you're just being a

cynical prick, trying to get ...

another way. What they're doing

is using the power of their

brands the power of their

marketing dollar to mainstream

change. To make it a perfectly

valid thing to celebrate. And I

would suggest that we would all

think that's a good

thing. Using revolution in

your marketing means you're

also co-opting, pain, suffering

and even death.

lost loved ones see a brand

trying to turn a buck. trying to turn a buck. Would

they be wrong to be angry? Not

wrong at all. These brands are

trying to be true to their values like we've just

discussed. They're revolutionary, celebrating change, happiness,

etc. but it's the context. And

this context is a geopolitical

environment, it's highly

complex, and people are losing

their lives. They're fighting

for things that we take for

granted. It's men, women and

children, it's very, very real.

I don't think the brand has a

place within that context. Brands like this

aren't gonna do it unless they're on to t unless they know that know that it's the right thing to we're in a position ... That's

an argument like they'll never

make a marketing mistake. Coke

has made many marketing mistakes. Coke had New

Coke. That wasn't a good

one. (Laughter) I don't know that we really understand culturally what's going on there. What's happening of

course is the youth of these

countries, these brands are a

symbol of the west. They're a

symbol of all the freedoms that

we take for granted. And they

are now attaching themselves to

that movement. I'm sort of

thinking that mightn't be such - yes, - yes, I know that they're

violent and I know that people

want diet. I get all that. (Laughter)

don't live there, right. We

don't live there. We haven't

been a teenager in ao oppressed

and all of a sudden we're not

and therefore we want western

values, we want western things.

These are core symbols of

those. I get that, but I think

it starts to walk the line,

though, when you're dealing

with revolutions and hundreds of people are being fighting. I think it starts to

walk too much into taking advantage of a situation. Sometimes

situation. Sometimes good

intentions backfire. Two weeks

before the Egyptian revolution kicked off, Vodafone Egypt

picked the mood of the country,

releasing an ad which celebrated

celebrated change. Its agency

JWT entered the ad. This is

part of the entry video --

entered the ad at Cannes.

President Hosni Mubarak has

decided to waive the office of

the President of the republic.

Nice one, Vodafone. Fixing

the problems of the world. Now

fix the reception in my lounge

room!! (Laughter) (Applause)

That video which Vodafone

reckons it had nothing to do with

with leaves the impression the

telco inspired the revolution. Todd, has an

its ego to get in the way of

truth? Where Coke and Pepsi

might've been questionable this

is absolutely wrong. So this is

one thing to associate our tap

into the mind set into the mind set of the people

that you're communicating to.

It's called advertising. It's

one thing to associate with

that. There's another thing to say, you have caused a

revolution. This is - this is revolution. This is - this is

ego advertising agency gone mad. It's wrong in

hindsight. I if get

that. (Laughter) No, no, no,

because here at the time, campaign for Vodafone around

the world is power to you,

yeah? And ultimately what we

know about the revolution is

that it was a social media-led revolution. Young people got on the streets as a being able to communicate

rapidly via social media. So

you can see the connection. So

clearly, a network provides the opportunity for people to

connect rapidly, get on the

streets and make change

happen. And that's valid but I

we need to explain spom more

information to put that in

context. When the video hit the

net, Egyptians vented in social

media, pointing out Vodafone had circulated pro-Mubarak

messages to subscribers and

shut down its networks during

the protests. How do you spin

your way out of that? The

fundamental problem is that Vodafone

Vodafone have broken in a sense

the first rule of messaging.

What they've done, they've said one thing in a sense through

that ad, official or not and

done something totally the

opposite. Now, that disconnect

means that people are going to

be incredibly suspicious of

that product. They've got to

come out with a whole series of

ads saying, we made a huge

mistake. Now here the five

things we'll do to make

Egyptian society better by giving money giving money here, by making

all orphanages in Egypt can

have free phone calls for the

next year. They've got to do a

huge mea culpa in order to try to drag back the to drag back the brand. I think

this are connections. I think

what they did is overtly take advantage of that connection.

Obviously it was considered a revolution, revolution, what they've

implied is one day people saw

the ad and went shit we should

rebel. But we shouldn't

underestimate what advertising

can do. So advertising - I'm

not saying - no, I'm not saying ... (Laughter) discussed ... All the

protesters did have big red hands pointing

down. (Applause) Maybe you're

right. Russell, I do there is a line between what

advertising can do and what is

should do. What, it shouldn't enhance the ability for young

people to get on the streets

and say, we're not happy with

the way we're living, we want

to change? It's certainly not

Vodafone's role to be inspiring

a revolution in Egypt. No, no,

no. They didn't say

the power is in your hands.

They did. So that's ... Do you

think those people that have

been using 20 million tweets in

the first three hours just woke up to that up to that because of

Vodafone? No, I don't think

that. Obviously I

that. Obviously I don't think

that. But I do think that there

is a - almost a causal

relationship which I can

forgive them for, yeah? The enthusiasm, the enthusiasm

around the change that's

occurring and the absolute truth that that change wouldn't

have occurred without that

network, you can see how they

join the dots. of that. Look, I understand

that there are movements. But I

don't believe movements need to

be commercialised. Like I get

there are movements of the. I'm

with them. No, no, no, but

commerce is part of society. It's not here's society, here's

politics, all happening over

here and commerce is just over

here. It's all one and the same

thing. In your world, it is. No, no, no. (Laughter) (Applause) And I know that you

have worked with Vodafone in

Australia. This is a weird

issue for to you talk

through? It is our job ahead of the social conscience

and make brands relevant and

engage but there's also a part

that comes into play which is

your own moral code and

integrity. (Laughter) That has to weigh in her looking at you

Russell. (Laughter) It's not

just multinationals using the Arab Spring to make a dollar. Tunisia, the first government

to fall, has been rebuilding its tourism industry with

London bus ads like this one showing a holiday maker getting

a massage with the line "They

say in Tunisia, some people receive heavy-handed treatment." Hmmm. There's an

ad that like the revolution it

refers to seems to promise a happy ending. (Laughter) Gruen Planet, blended, delicious.

That's all for tonight.

Please thank our panelist,,

Russell, Anouk, Anthony and

Todd. (Applause)

We'll leave you with another candidate for worst product of all time.

The series winner will

receiver the Gruen golden steak

knives which are this week in

the back of Italian celebrity

magazine 'Oggi' which no kidding is actually giving away

a free set of knives with its

latest issue, which features Amanda Knox on the cover. (Laughter)

Tonight - a product for the

ladies. I can't swear this one

is entirely stupid because I

lack the physical attributes to

test it but every woman I asked

told me she had less insane

things to spend her money on.

As you once again admire the acting forget that the products comes

in penis - sorry, flesh colour. See you next week.

Millions of women like

yourself suffer from a poor

night 's rest. Sleeping on your side without proper breast

support can be a major culprit. Introducing, Cush, the

comfortable night-time companion.

companion. Anatomically con

toured to gently support toured to gently support and cushion the weight of a woman's breasts. natural shape while resting on

your side. No straps, no underwears, no constraints. No

adhesives and no garments needed.

Closed Captions by CSI

This Program is Captioned



The Queen. Thank you. Ladies

and gentlemen give it up for

Her Majesty The Queen.

APPLAUSE Absolutely fantastic

to have The Queen and Prince

Philip in the country. They

have always been huge fans of

our work and it is great for us

to have them. We are honoured

to have them in the audience

tonight. We have put them in the royal

the royal box. Can we get a

shot of them? It is the only

box we could find I'm afraid. I

hope they're not cramped in

there. What a wonderful welcome

they had. They arrived hours

ago, the very first people to

be processed onshore under the

new laws of dealing with

unwelcome foreigners. Canberra

rolled out the welcome mat.

Native flowers for The Queen and a

and a copy of the Andrew Bolt

judgement for Prince Philip so

he knows what he can and can't

say about Aborigines whilst

he's in the country . According

to Channel 10 the whole country

has royal fever. Around the

city and around the country,

people are starting to spruce

up on their royal etiquette

just in case The Queen happens

to pass them by. That is

totally true. It is great to

totally true. It is great to

see people practising the

proper royal way to describe

Fergie. Bloody lying skank

red-headed bitch. That is how she's officially referred to at

the palace. Not every one is

getting into the spirit, some

Republicans say that The Queen

is irrelevant. I reckon on this

trip she adds so much to this

country. You can be sure she'll