Note: Where available, the PDF/Word icon below is provided to view the complete and fully formatted document
Disclaimer: The Parliamentary Library does not warrant the accuracy of closed captions. These are derived automatically from the broadcaster's signal.
The Yearly With Charlie Pickering -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) Zzzz! That's the buzzer,
that's the end of the game.

I've moved to Scotland? Why don't you write me, on that one,
a lovely Christmas message and a lovely one for David. So, here we go. I can see why this is a tremendous
time-saver!

Off you go, start corresponding...
now!

(Cheering and applause) Well done!

Well done! He's doing it. He is doing it!

And this one, come on.

Oh, the kisses, the kisses. Good. Oh, alright! Alrighty.

Can I have a look?
This is yours, David. It's a little - if you received that
in the post, you'd think someone wanted
to kill you, wouldn't you? I think I'm gonna go true. (Laughter)

So, are you saying it is the truth
or are you saying it is a lie? RAY: It's a lie.
It is a lie. So, Lee, was it the truth? Or might it have been a lie? It was, in fact, a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. Lee doesn't use
his hands and feet to write two Christmas cards
at the same time. (Buzzer) That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show and I can reveal the scores are tied,
it's a draw! (Cheering and applause) But it's not just a team game. My individual liar of the week
is Ray Winstone!

Yes, Ray Winstone, he's been
responsible for more hot air than a plateful of sprouts. Goodnight. (Cheering and applause) Captions by CSI Australia .

This Program is Captioned Live. Good evening. Adrienne Francis with an ABC News update. A clean up is underway after a mini tornado swept through southern Sydney this afternoon - with record wind gusts afternoon - with record wind gusts of more than 200km/h and hailstones the size of golf balls. Dozens of homes were destroyed, with buildings collapsing, roofs torn off and streets turned into rivers. Victoria's Court of Appeal has dismissed a challenge to the construction of a mosque in Bendigo, but opponents of the city's first mosque are threatening to fight on and take their objections to the and take their objections to the High Court. In the US, Republican presidential frontrunner Donald presidential frontrunner Donald Trump has come under sustained attack from his rivals in a bitter televised debate. The flamboyant businessman has nearly a 30-point lead in the polls but Texas Senator Ted Cruz appears to be gaining ground. Sydney is expecting a shower or two, clearing, and a top of 26 degrees. Canberra, 29. Melbourne 35 and Canberra, 29. Melbourne 35 and Hobart 25. More news in an hour.

This Program Is Captioned Live by CSI Australia (Theme music) CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome to The Yearly. My name's Charlie Pickering. Tonight we look back at 2015 with Tom and Kitty, we'll name our Person of the Year, plus I chat to Harrison Ford.(Applause) Very exciting. Apparently he's got some sequel he's selling, I don't know.(Laughter) I don't know, The Fugitive 2 - we found him! But first, let's rewind the tape to January, and seeing as this is the ABC, give us a moment 'cause we actually have to rewind a tape. The year began with democracy under attack.Friday's hostage dramas capped three nightmare days of terror in France. It all started on Wednesday when 12 people were killed in a raid on Charlie Hebdo magazine. Terrorists attacked the magazine known for fearless satirical cartoons such as this one, this one and this one.(Laughter) We stand with you, Charlie Hebdo. From a safe distance. Greece the birthplace of democracy learned the hard way that you can't get out of debt and deficit just by electing a new government. Ha! Idiots! But the greatest threat to democracy was right here in Australia.Ending weeks of speculation, Triple J announced that Taylor Swift would not be included in the hottest 100. Yes, well done, Triple J. Well done. Yes.(Applause) Yes. See the hottest 100 is sacred. It is for songs with integrity like Technohead' timeless I Want To Be A Hippy. SONG: # I want to be a hippy and I want to get stoned on ... # mara-marijuana # I mistaking enough drugs to enjoy music like that. Just kidding. I never enjoyed music like that.(Laughter) It was ls decision time in Queensland, where elections are covered a little differently.My co-host tonight Bill Macdonald is mobile in the Seven election taxi, taking you live wherever news is breaking.The Seven election taxi! The driver's delight was dampened when Bill Macdonald did a runner. The election hijinks didn't stop there.This is Corflute Courtyard or as I prefer to call it the field of broken political dreams. I get T as people get voted out you're gonna knock them over like a giant game of Guess Who, is that what you're gonna do?.This is the woodchiper. As they fall, Gerard, with all his health and safety gear on, will poke them in there, but it is a very, very graphic representation of what happens when you finish Parliament. A graphic representation of what happens when you finish Parliament? There I was thinking you just packed up your desk and handed in your pass. After becoming the first sitting Queensland Premier in 100 years to lose his seat, Campbell Newman was unavailable for comment.(Laughter) To Australia Day or as I like to call it Flag Cape Day. Nature's little way of telling you who to strongly avoid this day brought some surprising news.Meet Australia's newest knight. His Royal Highness, Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, Earl of ... well, man of umpteen titles. Now, knight of the Order of Australia. Prime Minister Toby - Toby?!(Laughter) How soon we forget!(Laughter) Prime Minister Tony Abbott gave Phil some trinkets which I presume he threw in his bedside drawer alongside his reading glasses and a packet of the world's most expensive condoms. Mmm. Diamond ribbed. For Her Majesty's pleasure.(Laughter) There was no doubt in the PM's mind that Prince Philip had earned his knighthood.Prince Philip has been a distinguished servant of this country, throughout a long and active public life. He's been part of some of the big events in our national life, going back to the 1956 Olympics. Yeah, yeah. People forget that perfect 10 he got in his floor routine.(Laughter) But knighting Sir Prince Philip wasn't popular.This is just such - a pathetically stupid - gosh, I didn't mean to be that strong because I actually like Tony Abbott very much.(Laughter).This is something very, very, very stupid decision. Andrew Bolt there, almost saying exactly what he was thinking.(Laughter) It was a tough month for Tony but thankfully, this criticism was just the wake-up call he needed to get his leadership back on track.(Laughter) To February, and a Gold Walkley win ing investigation by 'Four Corners' exposed widespread cruelty in greyhound racing.Live animals such as piglets and rabbits are being used to lure greyhounds around the track during training sessions. The nation was shocked and then we went "Oh hang on, greyhound racing? Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right, yeah." It was the least surprising dog-based investigation since Scooby Doo discovered that Shark Man was in fact old man Dinkley from the abandoned aquarium.(Laughter) The only way greyhound racing could-had less integrity was if it were voted on by the readers of TV Week. Which reminds me ... voting is now open for the Logies. I'm just gonna leave that there. You know what to do .(Laughter) I'm gonna get you Bickmore!(Laughter) If Bait-gate showed us anything it's that in Australia in 2015, starving helpless creatures and making them compete for our entertainment is simply unacceptable.(Laughter) Speaking of entertainment - the PM was struggling in the polls and had what he described as a near-death experience.Two of my colleagues have called for a leadership spill of the two senior positions in our party. Aah colleagues. The C word you can use on television to describe the people you don't really like.(Laughter) Lucky for the Prime Minister, his Cabinet superstars went in to bat for him.Look, he's the Prime Minister, he's made a captain's call and he's changed the date of the meeting. As it is now, I'm the deputy of the party. I've been the deputy for seven years and so I will talk to my colleagues.(Laughter) And what a pack of colleagues!(Laughter) (Applause) So the spill was on. But no-one put up their hand to challenge. So it was Tony Abbott versus an empty chair. And ... 39 people voted for the chair.(Laughter) Or as it was almost known, Chair Force One. But despite prevailing against the Chairmander-in-Chief, questions about Tony Abbott's leadership remained.Morning Kochie.Why do you think you are so unpopular? Ooh! Snap! Kochie, like a greyhound on a rabbit.(Laughter) But Tony came out a changed man.The Liberal Party has dealt with the spill motion. And now this matter is behind us.I've listened. I've learned.And good government starts today.(Laughter) It'd be a rough two months for the Prime Minister, but thankfully, this was just the wake-up call he needed ...(Laughter) To get his leadership back on track.(Laughter) (Applause) Now, it's been a big year in sport. So let's relive it now in its entirety. Aargh! That's disappointing! Fudge Sunday!.Being the first woman to win the Melbourne Cup is amazing. It's such an honour. I thought we'd win but you never know with these things until you cross the line.Here comes the kick. It's going to Jarryd Hayne who might be the best new player in the NFL. Oh my God he's the worst player!.Here little fishy fishy. Oh jeez he's going me ghoulies.Why'd you get that?.They ran out of medallions. Pass it down, pass it down! (Applause) To the Ides of March, which technically means March 15, but nobody knows that because instead of studying in high school we were all trying to find out who was the first person with pubes.(Laughter) In our class, it was Mrs Wickham.(Laughter) But the Ides were anything but idle. In mere 31 days, Mike Baird won the New South Wales election, German wings crash flood a mountain, Australia lost a Prime Minister, jury punched a colleague and our cricketers won the World Cup but none of that mattered because Tony Abbott ate an onion. .Very good. Now, I know we all think we've sheen this piece of vision. I mean the ABC clip was seen by over 8 million people. The ABC hasn't had ratings like that since it accidentally broadcast B1 and B 2's sex tape. The bananas were in each other's pyjamas that day. I didn't see t but apparently they were coming down the stairs!(Laughter) But the most telling part of the whole onion incident is not what you may have seen, it's something else. Please, roll the tape. He bites into it again!! He keeps going! It's not an apple, you madman! Now, never has anyone said "Hey you've got to finish your onion." Never happened. Luckily, the whole onion thing just slid under the radar.He picked up a brown onion, a raw, unpeeled brown onion ...Onion with the skin on.With the skin on?! I didn't realise that! We're going straight to the Washington 'Post' this morning.Australia's Prime Minister is at it again. This time, he seems to be shirt-fronting food.(Laughter) It'd be a tough three months for the Prime Minister, but thankfully, this was just the wake-up call he needed to get his leadership back on track.(Applause) Now it's time for Kitty Flanagan! .Chuck, where to start? So many failures, so little time. Now I know how Bill Shorten feels.(Laughter).One of the most dismal failures of 2015 was the English language. Now, admittedly, it's been like totals struggling for a long time. - totes struggling. Straining under the weight of made-up words like cosmoceuticals and chillaxing and agreeance, which is not a word, people! In 2015, Oxford Dictionary s finally threw in the towel abandoned language altogether and chose an emoji as their word of the year. Emojis are nothing new. The ancient Egyptians invented them way back in a period of history I like to call olden pyramid times BC.(Laughter).If you look really closely, you can see the first ever poo with eyes emoji. I've never understood why a poo needs eyes to see. Do you know?.Maybe it's for middle aged people so they can text and go "Oh my eyesight's turned to shit." (Laughter).Let's press on to the most spectacular failure of 2015, without a doubt, that honour goes to the oven. Ever since people discovered you can cook in your dishwasher, the oven has sat in the kitchen like a useless ... Sorry, you made sound like information. Since people discovered you can cook in a dishwasher?.Oh yes! It's a thing! It's a life hack. Yeah.(Laughter).You can use your dishwasher to prepare delicious meals. Well, meals. Meals. I tried it myself. It really is incredibly simple. Any idiot can do it. In fact it's mostly idiots that do it.(Laughter) check out this idiot here. Oven s are expensive and to so are dishwashers. What you can only afford one or the other? Can ovens wash dishes? Nope. Didn't think so. Useless piece of (bleep). However, recent experiments have shown that you can cook in your dishwasher. It works just as well as any stove top, oven or useless piece of (bleep) microwave. So how does it work? Well imagine I want to make an omelet the conventional way. Ugh! What a hassle. First, I have to break the eggs. Then I have to whisk them. Then I add cream. And salt. And pepper. Then I heat the butter. Oh come on! Then I have to keep moving it around in the pan. Why? 'Cause that's a naked flame. That could burn my omelet and just realised it could burn me. Jesus, this is so dangerous. Finally! You know what? I have lost my appetite. With all the whisking and moving it round the pan, not to mention the danger - I'm too exhausted to even eat it. Let's try it the safe, easy dishwasher way. Ziploc bag, add three eggs, add cheese, add capsicum, mushrooms, get creative, I'm adding spam. For that authentic world war it taste. Then smoosh, smoosh, smoosh, it's so much fun! Now pop it in the new best friend, bang, just like that. Set your cycle. I'm using heavy duty and hey presto! In just 90 relaxing minutes, the d-dov produces the perfect omelet every single time. Mmmm. That's how the French like their omelets. Just a tad underdone. I need a spoon. So it.5 minutes for this or 90 minutes for this? I know what I'm choosing. (Applause) .Now ... I know what you're thinking. Oh ... I don't know you do.You're thinking: wow, what can't you cook in a dishwasher? And I won't lie to you, the answer is: toast.(Laughter).However, as you can see here, you can cook a nutritious lasagne, steamed veg and dessert for the whole family, all without fire. So simple, so efficient, and so right here in the studio for you to taste. So come on over, Chuck. Yeah, no, I think I'm gonna come over and chuck.(Laughter).We're gonna have a delicious modern 2015 meal. It's all been cooked in the dishwasher. And we're gonna have dinner chitchat using emojis! So dinner is served! Winky face with a tongue out! Yes. I can't possibly ....Use your emojis! OK ... thumbs down and face with no mouth, 'cause I'm not eatin' it!.Sad face. At least try some ... cake. Um ... no deal arms, and this mok key's gonna spew. - monkey's gonna spew.You know what? (Points) What does that mean?.Kitty's upset, you're a cock, fifth bump, end of segment. Ooh! Ladies and gentlemen, would you please thank Shitty Flanagan!.(Laughs) Many are calling 2015 the year the weather cracked the shits. Weddings rp cancelled, rounds of golf rescheduled and on rainy Friday nights many were forced to stay in their homes watching Netflix - I mean the ABC. It was weather of biblical proportions. The floods came but this time, they set the animals free, until they were shot in the head for their own safety. But not everyone is convinced the world is headed towards the end of days.Crops have increased worldwide, people live longer, there's been no Armageddon. Good point, weather man Bolt! But maybe it's coming.I cry. Or not. Well, he can't make up his mind, but who can? Is the earth getting hotter? After fugitive polar bears on the run from the cops because of global warming and where are all the birds going? Where are you going, birds?! Who knows? Maybe one day we'll all live somewhere beyond the sea. Only time, and piping-hot acid rain, will tell. (Applause) In April we followed the final days of Bali Nine members Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran. The government lobbied for clemency but for some that wasn't enough.Mr Abbott, please do your best to get these boys home and off execution row, thank you.Be a leader and please, please fight for our citizens, Tony Abbott. It's time to fight for our boys, Mr Abbott.Tony, if you have any courage and compassion, you'd get over to Indonesia and bring these two boys home. Show some balls. Now ... armchair activists get a bad rap but at least they go to the trouble of sitting upright before demanding that other people take action offer their behalf. Bron Dan Cowell can't even be bothered supporting weight of his own head. Australian cameras were trained on Bali until the last second, in the most grim televised countdown since Bert Newton gave us 20-1 Cougars & Cradlesnatchers. That actually happened. GQ Magazine made the bizarre decision to put the lowly federal Minister for Communications on the cover of its Power issue. Mr Turnbull wore every colour and pattern in the history of clothes. What was GQ doing thinking he was that powerful? They should've listened to Alan Jones.They are suggesting Malcolm precisely because you have no hope ever of being the leader. You have to get that into your head. No hope ever. Yes, the amazing Alan Jones-tradamus has spoken! I wish I took his Melbourne Cup tip this year. He said "Never bet on a woman jockey. They've got no sense of direction." (Laughter) Finally, April ls marked the hundredth anniversary of the ANZAC landing at Gallipoli but it was Woolworths ducking for cover.Australian war veterans are up in arms offer a Woolworths ANZAC campaign that's been branded insulting and crass. It centres around this poster, and the slogan "Fresh in your memories." The Woolies social media department shall not grow old as we who are left employed grow old.(Laughter) God help them. They were only 19.(Laughter) Lest we forget the sacrifices our TV networks made to wedge ANZAC theme ed programs into every corner of their schedules. Even we at the ABC were not immune.Anzac Day, 2015 marked 100 years since the Gallipoli landing. But more importantly, it marked one year since we first started commemorating the centenary of the First World War. Join us as we look back and reflect on the first anniversary of the beginning of the First World War, 100 year anniversaries.(Laughter). I still remember when I was when the first 100 years of World War I aired. I was sitting here. It all started with a documentary on the endless fascination with Franz Ferdinand. To think, if that documentary never happened, these centenary celebrations may never have started. Centenary of Britain declaring war on Germany, the centenary of our boys leaving Albany in Western Australia and now the centenary of the Gallipoli landing. You know, it's still four long years until the centenary of the treaty of Versailles. Can't wait. The Yearly presents the first anniversary of the First World War centenaries. Coming soon to the ABC. Where commemorating the First World War takes exactly as long as as the First World War.(Laughter) Because that's how time works. (Applause) Now, before we move on from April - a lot of people were excited about this.Oh! Chewbacca! Han Solo! Right there! Right at the end. Oh my God! No! They look so amazing! That's it! Star Wars, best movie 2015. Oh my God! That guy had only seen the trailer!(Laughter) Imagine how excited he is going to be when he gets to see the film tonight just after midnight and I hope that guy is watching now, because in what I'm pretty sure is a world exclusive, I met Han Solo. .You might need this. Chewie. We're home. The new Star Wars movie, you have seen it?.Yeah. Is it any good?.It's pretty damn good. Wow!.Yes, I'm delighted by it. It's safe to say that Star Wars is one of the biggest movies ever. Did you have any indication at the time that it was going to be as big as it was?.They lock people up for havings those kinds of ideas. For myself, it was the very first moments of the film when I saw it all put together with the effects. George's notion, his imagination was gonna pay off. I imagined an audition tape of you and Mark Hamill doing a scene. 'Cause nothing dies now, it's all an YouTube.If the empire had a new weapon and they could do this, I know about it. I remember it watching going you guys had to just had faith that it all made sense when you were doing You know, we had no job at the time. (Laughter) You did a bit. You were an accomplished carpenter.Yes, and I enjoyed that you about I ls, - but I also - I thought I want to be an actor because (1) I don't want a real job and (2) it was like being in the navy only you didn't have to kill people. You go interesting places, and you work with a group of people for a finite period of time, and it's like the opportunity to live many different lives. Is it true that you almost didn't take that leap originally with American Graffiti because ....Well, I was offended by the original offer of wages, 'cause I was making more money as a carpenter. They originally offered me $485 a week. And they'd gone through the budget, they found more money and I said "How much?" They said 500. I said "I will take it." I'm happy to match that offer just to have you hang around the office, by the way. We've got an in-house Harrison Ford. Like you could even talk me up to 515. 520?.(Gestures)(Laughter) You injured yourself filming as well. You broke your leg?I didn't injure myself. They injured ME. A hydraulic door closed on me, by accident. It was an accident. But you're prone to accidents.I am of
not!(Laughter) The Raiders of the lost Ark ....They ran a flying wing ... It's also someone else, isn't it?.Yeah. When you recently had to bring your plane down, was that someone else?.Well, no that was was something else. It was a mechanical accident that I could not have anticipated that had, you know ...(Laughter) I'm hearing excuses. That's all I'm hearing.Well ... you know, shit happens.(Laughter) .Occasionally. But think of all the times I didn't get hurt. That's a good point.My point exactly.(Laughter) Harrison Ford, it's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you very much for your time.Thank you.(Applause) April was followed by May, as is the tradition in Australia, and parts of Scandinavia. Our very way of life was threatened by two terrifying illegal immigrants.One of Hollywood's biggest stars has been told his two dogs, Pistol and Boo have to leave Australia by Saturday or else they will be put down.I have never said this to a pair of dogs before but Pistol, Boo, go back to where you came from. Luckily, Barnaby Joyce the minister for sound bites was on the case.Mr Depp has to either take his dogs back to California or we're gonna have to euthanase them. If we start letting movie stars, even though they've been the sexiest man alive twice, then why don't we just break the laws for everybody? OK, let's move the canine assassination threat to one side. May I ask: who has that kind of sexiest man alive knowledge just at their fingertips? Is that Barnaby's superpower, like you walk past him in the halls of Parliament House, you're like 1991? Nick nolle. But Kevin Costner was robbed that year. Standing up to Johnny Depp was a brave move from Barnaby, who knew exactly what he was risking.After that I don't expect to be invited to the opening of Pirates of the Carribean. Because what red carpet is complete without the Minister for Agriculture and Water Resources?(Laughter) (Applause) Barnaby, Barnaby, who are you wearing? Akubra, Drizabone, Spanx. SBS drew huge audiences for Struggle Street, a bleak depiction of life in Western Sydney.Billie, I'm trying to (bleep) do what's right. This is not right. You're in labour and you're more worried about a cigarette. Who wants to see a baby born into a dysfunctional family reliant on taxpayer assistance when no-one seems to have a job?.It's a girl. The Duchess of Cambridge has safely delivered a daughter. Kate and William welcomed Charlotte Elizabeth Diana or as I like to call her, the thinking woman's Beatrice.(Laughter) As you'd expect the event tracted the usual collection of weirdos.You've been the sunshine, it's a girl, it's a girl it's a girl! Stories, Baldrick ...(Laughter) I mean the the weirdos reporting on the story.Apparently she's absolutely just got a fixation on a chocolate biscuit cake. Here's what the princess will look like at age 7 and here she is at age 20. What app is he using?!(Laughter) Is that like a weird Royal Tinder? Ooh! Yes. No. Ooh it's a cousin. So yes.(Laughter) From the UK to Africa now and we're joined by our Africa correspondent Louiso Gola.(Applause) We are wrapping up 2015. What were your biggest stories of the year?.My two stories were the Oscar Pistorius story and the FIFA story.Oh yeah, the Oscar Pistorius story is massive?.In Africa, there's a saying that goes: your feet are too short to run away from the law. And you know ... Hang on, wait, wait, is there - is that really a saying?(Laughter).No, but it's funny.(Laughter).I decided to go more funny this episode and less facts. Right. Well what is going on with Oscar Pistorius?.Oscar's sentence got an upgrade. The worst upgrade ever! He went from culpable homicide to murder. That's like being upgraded from first class to the pilot. But you have no idea how to fly an area plane - an aeroplane.What about Sepp Blatter and FIFA?.Well, FIFA's corruption was the biggest open secret in sport but when US federal agents were exposing the bribery, people were still shocked! It was like when I found out that Dr Dre was not a real doctor. I was shocked. 'Cause I was like "I'm a bit suspicious but I'm not 100% sure." Louiso Gola, thanks for a great year. We'll see you in 2016.Thank you, thank you very much.(Applause).Merry Christmas.In the month of June, our eyes were on America, as much of the news was about the struggle for identity. It began with the curious case of civil rights activist Rachel Dolezal.NAACP leader Rachel Dolezal, caught in an apparent lie, pretending to be African American, when in fact she is Caucasian.Are you African American?.(Pauses) (No response).I don't understand the question. This shit's tricker than it looks, so I sat down with comedienne Chloe Hilliard. You are an African American woman?.Last time I checked, yes , I am. I just had to make sure.Are you an African American woman?I identify as black. So she identified as black. Is that a thing?.Yeah, I identify as rich, but I still took the train here.(Laughter) Rachel would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for her particularly white parents.Our daughter is primarily German and Czech. And of European descent. So she's white.Caucasian. I wanted to give her parents an award of the year for keeping it real. That's some black parent shit, keeping it 100, they kept it real. Now she is popping up talking about black activism in America. You're like that is my white ass daughter on television making me look bad.The former Olympian introduced Caitlyn on the covered of 'Vanity Fair'. Caitlyn Jenner identified as a woman. She is a hero. Rachel Dolezal is a villain? I don't want to say she is hero. She is brave for coming nought a very transphobic country and maybe a bit of a media whore. I'm not saying she's a whore 'cause she is a woman. As same-sex marriage became the law of the land, the law of the land fought back.The county clerk in Kentucky who refused to issue marriage licences to same sex couples has now been ordered by a federal judge to be taken into custody. It's never been a gay or lesbian issue for me. It has been about upholding the word of God and how God defined marriage from the very beginning of time. I don't understand how people are opposed to what people do in their private bedrooms. Kim Davis didn't want to give marriage licences to same sex couples. It's like if you getting dick at home, why you care who else is getting dick? Can I stay that?.You can definitely say that! I'd like to ask you about some Australian stories that happened in June. Alan Bond died.Is that James Bond's brother?.Kind of like Donald Trump. Did he hate Mexicans like Donald Trump?.Never came up. Never came up. But you will remember this, in 1983, he owned the yacht that won the America's Cup. So that must've been embarrassing.No, no, I don't know if you know that African Americans have a very - you know, not a good relationship with boats.Oh ... yeah.(Applause) In July, Bill Shorten faced the Royal Commission into Union Corruption, and was grilled by former High Court judge Dyson Haydon. Dyson Haydon is a lot like a regular Hayden but with enough suction to pick up a bowling ball.What I'm concerned about more is your credibility as a witness. It's in your interests to curb these ... to some extent extraneous answers. Extraneous answers? What are you talking about?.You have pickers in their mushroom sheds. I don't know if you want to very briefly describe a mushroom ... No, no, no, don't, don't!.There are six trays of mushrooms. Like a greenhouse shed. You're talking to strangers about mushrooms! What are you Forrest Gump? These fold mush rooms, button mushrooms, mushroom gumbo, mushroom cocktail and come election time, I am runnin'. (Laughter) Tragically the rest of Bill's inspirational "I have a mushroom" speech was drowned out by a Speaker. Catching a helicopter to Geelong. Now, we made a lot of jokes about Bronwyn Bishop on our show during the year. We thought on this occasion we'd give the honours to our old mate, Forrest Mushroom.I didn't know Bronwyn was due to visit Victoria. (Helicopter flying overhead) Chopper-gate put pressure back on Tony Abbott. It had had been a tough Prime Ministership for the Prime Minister but surely this was the wake-up call he needed to get his leadership back on track.(Applause) Talk of mushrooms and helicopters was soon made to look frivolous, however, as Europe faced a genuine humanitarian crisis.The flow of refugees across Europe is showing no signs of letting up. Police clashed with refugees in Hungary, trying to get to Germany.Today, under the blazing sun, a a river of human tee. Parents pushing their chairn in shopping carts , carrying them on their shoulders.Germany was expecting more than 10,000 new refugees to arrive during the course of Monday. Joining us now is our Europe correspondent Tiff Stevenson.(Applause) So the conflict in Syria has displaced over a million people in Europe. On the whole, how have you seep the European response?.Well, first of all, let's stop calling them displaced, 'cause displaced is what happens to water when you jump in the bath. These people are running for their lives. Some Europeans like Angela Merkel have understood that and were welcoming. Others not so much. This is how Hungarian reporter Petra Laszlo tried to help. .I mean that's appalling. It did prompt my favourite headline of the year which was: I'm not a heartless, racist, children-kicking camera wool.(Laughter).But it's not all bad, because she lost her job. Hooray! And the kid got to meet Ronaldo. Which retrospectively, is a touch insensitive 'cause if there's one thing he's really good at, it's kicking.(Laughter) Please thank Tiff Stevenson.(Applause) It's time now to remember those we said goodbye to in 2015. (Applause) In August, Tom and Kitty caught up with the nightly binge on news. In August, Tom and Kitty sat down every evening to enjoy their favourite news programs.Do you ever sometimes to have to watch a TV just through one eye? What does it do if you do it?.Oh sometimes if I have drunk too much, I can see two TVs and still focus. Sunday night's biggest story of the month was Mike Willesee's road test of the paleo diet.This has the potential to change people's lives. I never knew what Pete Evans was until paleo turned up. He is one one of those renovation kitchen shows.Food Renovation Rescue.That's the one. It's where they come into your house and replace all the insulation with ham.(Laughter)..A secure place to carry out their affairs.Look at him sitting in the dark.What else is he doing? Fiddling around with drop-down menus. He is suss as!.Life is short, have an affair. I put in my email address as a joke. And my wife's. But that was a back-up so when mine gets found, I will be like "You're on here too." Ite Kitty and Tom left the telly on and The Weekly with Charlie Pickering came on. Should we be at work?.I think this is a repeat. The ABC has a sequel to itself. For only five grand, I can sit next to war ree truss?.I'm not watching this shit. Time to do the washing-up. With more on this story, please welcome Tom Gleeson.Ha ha ha! Yep, this is gonna be good.(Laughter) That's why I'm here to tell you ... this is what you think. you can feel the energy of the show pick up at this point, can't you?.I like it 'cause it tells me what to think. I sometimes forget what I think so I watch our show so I can remind myself.New Zealanders are set to go to the polls not to elect a new government, but to vote on a new flag. Do you reckon we should have a new flag?.Yeah, we should just have the New Zealand one we're finished with. Everyone knows it. They will have heaps spare.Yeah. We could just buy up the excess.Alrighty. Well, I'm gonna head off, Tom. So thanks for having me. I thought this was your house?.No, I come to your house to watch the news.(Laughter) No.Is that why you're minora. Alright. Let's just leave through the door we came in. And we'll see ....Let's just get out!(Laughter) In September, after a year of wake-up calls, Prime Minister Abbott finally woke up, only to realise he'd slept through the alarm.(Laughter).A little while ago I met with the Prime Minister and advise ed him that I would be challenging him for the leadership of the Liberal Party.I firmly believe that our party is better than this, that our government is better than this, and by God, that our country is so much better than this. Turns out our country isn't better than this.(Laughter).In a ballot tonight, Malcolm Turnbull was elected leader of the Liberal Party with 54 votes to Tony Abbott's 44.Malcolm Turnbull becoming the fifth Australian Prime Minister in five years.Yeah, I mean, we had good Rudd, bad Rudd, fake Julia, real Julia, Rudd 3, Rudd Hard With a Vengeance. New Prime Minister Turnbull then gave a stirring speech that will be remembered throughout the ages.Now, the hour is very late. Everyone should go to bed. You can't tell me to go to bed! You're not my real Prime Minister!(Laughter) Jeff Kennett, immediately before the spill.I have no respect for Turnbull .This is about self-interest. This is about an individual who has always put his ego above team.I will never, ever, ever vote for Malcolm Turnbull. Yeah! And what do you think, former Victorian Premier Jeff Kennett immediately after the spill?.I will give Malcolm Turnbull my full support.(Laughter) You know, with loyalty like that I'm surprised these spills happen at all! Fronting the media, ex-Prime Minister Tony Abbott made a solemn promise to the nation.There will be no wrecking, no undermining, and no sniping. Having promised no sniping, Abbott immediately took up position in the book suppository.I have often said that Malcolm didn't stay in the Parliament to be someone else's minister.Obviously the polls were difficult. Obviously the polls were difficult but I am absolutely confident that we would've won the election under my Prime Ministership. Yeah. Tony's approach to politics is a lot like his approach to climate change: never let the data get in the way of a really strong gut feeling that things are just gonna work out, somehow. So as Australia heads into a new era of leadership ip stability ....Up ... Charlie.(Applause) .When they - when the Liberal Party changed leaders, they became really popular after that. Yeah.I'm.It's interesting, isn't it? I'm just saying sometimes when you change who's in charge, it can ...(Laughter).It can really improve the show. I mean government.(Laughter).I'm just saying you should take note of that, like - for the team. Yeah, sure.For all the people that work behind the scenes, not just you or I. Are you done?.Do you want me to do - I can throw to the thing if you want me to. Coming up next ... October. (Applause) Why are we out here in a tent?.It's October, Halloween. It's the best time to tell scary stories. Oh, it's Halloween. That's why we're dressed like tits. Can I light this thing?.No, it's a total fire ban.Don't worry, we can still toast our marshmallows using the warmth of our bodies. I think this one's almost ready.(Laughter) I love Halloween. It's the only time when you can go booo and no-one realises you're being racist.Are you ready to be scared? Yeah!.There's this little old man, trapped on a tiny island. But worse. He's stuck. 40 years in the past. Ooh!.Well, you know, I'm happy to make my weekly donation to Australia's outrage industry by negro negro negro. The scariest part is, they say The Verdict's gonna come back again ... next year! .You think that's scary? In Canada, the Prime Minister used a knife to cut off half the penises in Cabinet. By appointing 50% women! Shit! Why'd he do that?.Because it's 2015. Oh right. It's 2015. And yet women still don't get paid as much as pen. Yeah, you see what he's doing there? He's saving Canada some serious coin.(Laughter) Pretty smart.You tell a scary one. You betcha, it's my turn. Bacon gives you cancer. Nooo!This little piggy goes to market, but this little piggy gives you cancer of the rectum? Don't make jokes, Charlie. Take is seriously. Like the real news people.Well, we're taking back our bacon this morning on The Today Show. I love bacon. I'm supporting the pork industry.If it's a choice between death and no bacon, I will take death.Want some? Don't have anything to cook it on.I came prepared. (Laughter) 45 minutes, bacony goodness for everyone. .Marshmallow? To November. Terror returned to Paris.France is in a state of emergency after a series of devastating terror attacks, in the nation's capital. 130 people lost their lives in the random attacks. People showed their sympathy by adding the French flag to their Facebook picture or if you're Channel 7, adding the Dutch flag to their television broadcasts. In Australia, Prime Minister Turnbull called for calm.This is not a time for gestures or machismo. And everyone knew exactly who he was referring to. This guy. Yeah ... oh how do I show my Instagram followers that I care and draw attention to my sever and my rock-hard abs? Take that, Banksy! That won't on dodgy photo doing the rounds on social media. Some outlets ran with this photo, which turned out to be a Photoshoped picture of a Sikh man holding an iPad. The giveaway could should've been that you can't take a selfie using a Koran, unless you're using the Koran 6 S which has a wicket camera. It got Derryn Hinch thinking. Auto.If I wanted to cause carnage in Sydney, I would drive a car with a boot load of explosives during peak hour. I would stop in the middle of the coat hanger and walk away. Derryn has been radicalised! Who can we turn to for the truth?.One suburb of France assaulted S-A-I-N-T D-E-N-I-S, Angised Saint-Denis, it's outside the Stade de France it's a no-go zone for citizens or police. That's B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. That sentence is no-go zone for facts. Alan Jones was simply repeating a claim so inaccurate, even Fox News retracted it and apologised. But when it comes to misinformation about Muslims, one man boldly goes exactly where he has gone before. Thankfully Channel 7's Brian Seymour was around to remind us all that when it comes to terrorism, it's important to go with those who are really responsible.I'm here to see the Grand Mufti. He just told us he thinks the attacks in Paris were terrible. But what does the Grand Mufti think? Hard hitting stuff from the network that doesn't know what the French flag looks like.(Laughter) So where did the Grand Mufti go so wrong?.I think the Islamic leadership in our country needs to step up and to condemn these attacks. Without qualification.Surely his job is to criticise every single time and to go in hard.This bloke has failed so many times, to actually condemn outright, clearly, what happened when there are major terrorist instances. Paul Murray is right, Grand Mufti has failed so many times. Admittedly he did condemn the terrorism after the Boston bombings, after the Lee Rigby killing, in response to the rise of ISIS, after the Haider Numan Haider attack, after the Lindt Cafe siege and after the Paris attacks but where he was after the 2013 bombing of the Summer Bay hospital?! But of course none of this stopped Jacqui Lambie weighing in.Maybe the first person that should have an electronic device put on them is the bloody Grand Mufti . Monitor him. Monitor him? No-one's even listening to him. When you're calling for condemnation so loudly you can't hear the very condemnation you're calling for, you're not helping fight terror, you're just trying to draw attention to yourself. So really, you're no better than this guy.(Applause) Please welcome Tom Gleeson.(Applause) .Yes! End of year special. This is going so well, Charlie. I reckon The Yearly is better than The Weekly. The Weekly was too hectic. We had to do it every week. Let's just do this, once a year. So much better. No ....The Yearly we do this, then we do the biannale, once every two years, then every four years like the Olympics, eventually we do it, we're like the Halley's Comet of comedy, every 75 years. We do another one. I can't be arsed doing this every week. The Weekly is coming back in the first week of February. We're still doing The Weekly. This is just a yearly special.I just prefer it this way, just once a year. But you realise that if we were just once a year, then your show that's in my show would only be once a year too?.No, no, no, my show would be every day. I'm saying your show will be every 75 years and you don't get to do another one 'cause you will be dead but I will still get to do my show every day. When I say my show, we know exactly what show I'm talking about. Welcome to Hard Chat. I'm joined by the host of The Today Show and Gold Logie winner Karl Stefanovic. Thanks for joining me.Hard chat. Yeah, let's chat ....Hard. Hard! What's it like living in the shadow of Peter Steph snef?.He's better than me as a person, as a journalist, everything? - Peter Stefanovic. I don't like him. He earns more money than I do. How do you think it is? Does he really earn more money than you? That surprises me.He doesn't earn more money than me. You've reported from a lot of disasters. Is that why you hosted The Verdict?(Laughter) Always good to be in the centre of the action, when everything is falling down around you, there you are..Solid. To talk the nation through those tragic times?.Yes, the Mark Latham times? Yes. That's a question I've got for you. Mark Latham lost the 2004 election comprehensively as voted by the Australian people.Yes. What genius at Nine thought "We need to hear more from this guy"?.I thought he had something to contribute. I think the producers did. And I think he contributed. Now, you were on the second highest rating breakfast show.Yes.When you won the Gold Logie for the most popular person on television.I don't know how that happened. How does it feel knowing that your career highlight defies basic mathematics?.There was a lot of stuff going on underneath the table. Once I won it, everyone asked questions, how did you win that? I don't think there's any great secret that it was rigged. I'm glad you finally said it on air. You've been on the record as saying there's nothing wrong with having a joint with friends. You did say that.Well, I don't remember saying it. Well, you stayed it. It's in print.There's lots of stuff I say that I don't remember. Maybe that's relateed to having the joint.What, they don't have joints at the ABC? Oh yeah, they're everywhere round here.(Laughter) You famously wore the same suit for a year. Was that just to cover for an all-year bender?(Laughter).I thought it was necessary to point out that if a female presenter was to wear the same thing twice, she would receive a great deal of criticism from the public.I reckon it was just a cover story. I suspect that you were up late at night about 2 in the morning and you just thought, I'm gonna punch through and wear my suit to bed so I'm ready for work tomorrow, then you did the same thing the next day and the day after that and then for a year?.I have the same suit on now and no-one's noticed. Well, to be fair, I can smell it from here.(Laughter) It's got that intense alcohol stress sweat in the pits.It's pretty nice.It's pretty strong.Want to smell it? I can already smell it without leaning towards you. You work with Richard Wilkins every day. If Richard Wilkins stood still for long enough, would Channel 9 just build around him?.Yes. He has a very big head too. His head has so much mass, light cannot escape it.He has a large head. (Laughs)(Laughter) . He does. Is this something that goes undiscussed on The Today Show?.It's just a big head. Now, finally, I have to ask you, are you coming back for The Today Show next year?.Yes. What about if there's some kind of handover strategy to me? I was thinking I could host it. Instead of Today we had call it Hard Day. Get on with it, Lisa!.That's it. If it doesn't matter to you, I will go to Seven and do Hard Rise.Sound as bit funny.Maybe you can take over as the host of Hard Chat? And get a Gold Logie for actually being popular ....(Laughter).Nah. Thanks for chatting.Hard. Hard! Haaarrrddd. As December arrived, one man hoping that Santa would just bring him some cash was Clive Palmer.Clive Palmer has met the Queensland Government to ask for a bail-out for his Townsville nickel refinery. However the government has declined the plea to bail out the troubled business. It's been a tough year for Clive. As well as his financial woes, the Palmer United Party lost another senator and his dinosaur Jeff burnt down. They say that on dark nights you can still hear Jeff's ghost whispering "I was shit!" (Laughter) Despite everything Clive does still have his supporters?.I like Clive. I've texted Clive and had dinner with Clive and in fact we discovered the dumplings of China Plate together Clive and I. Ah yes The Dumplings of China Plate, the lesser known sequel to Bridges of Madison County. And just this weekend in Paris, a historic climate change deal was reached. In 2015, we saved the world using a toy hammer someone stole from Santa's workshop.(Laughter) Christmas is a unifying holiday. Celebrated by Christians and Christians alike. Here in Australia, families gather together and sing heartworming carols by Kevin Bloody Wilson. Santa, you are a colleague! But how does the rest of the world celebrate the big day? .Christmas is different all around the globe. In Germany, good children get a visit from St Nicholas. While naughty children meet the demon Crampus who pops them in a sack and carries them off to be drowned. In 1966 the people of a Swedish town began a Christmas tradition of erecting a giant goat made of straw. That same year, the arsonists of the town began a Christmas tradition of burning down the giant goats made of straw.This is all that remains of a giant straw Christmas goat that's been burnt down once again. The arsonists have proved to be ingenious, bribing security guards and even using helicopters. In the last 10 years, the goat has only seen the 25th of December four times. In Barcelona Spain, forget hanging the mistletoe, try hanging a Christmas turd.Traditionally, a Caganer shows a peasant wearing a red beret and white blouse bending over and going to the toilet. But in recent years, an array of popular characters and celebrities have ls been captured with their pants down. Because nothing says Christmas like Angela Merkel mid-loaf. But no-one quite does the festive season like the Netherlands. A land of tulips, bicycles and Sinta Klass with his dark-skinned servant Black Pete.In the neglect traditionally the main provider of entertainment is Black Pete.By the 1900s Black Pete had gone from being Santa's servant to a menace that punished bad children while Santa rewarded the good. Nowadays many Dutch children learn that Peter is not black, but dirty, because he went down the chimney to deliver presents.Even the UN has been summoned to make a ruling, and found the character indeed racist. To many people, looks like, well, this could be a remnant of slavery.Sure, the Netherlands used to run slave ships but that looks nothing like this. Anyway, recently this lovely tradition has been pissing people off in Australia. New Zealand. And London. Are you taking the miss?.We're servants of sab a clause in Holland. No you're fucking taking the pigs.Aah peace on earth. Right now, it is time for that other great annual tradition - The Yearly's inaugural award of Person of the Year. Now 'Time' magazine, they already chose their person of the year. It was Angela Merkel. I don't know about you, pretty sure that's airbrushed.(Laughter) But our award is less about influence and power in the world and more about celebrating the person we feel has made the greatest contribution to comedy throughout the year. This year's runners-up are: Nick Kyrgios. For showing us that as a nation, we might've gone a bit hard on Mark Philippoussis.(Laughter) (Applause) Our first runner-up is Bronwyn Bishop. For proving that if you're an Australian who thinks you deserve to get around in a government-funded helicopter, you better be fighting a bushfire.(Laughter) But this year, well, there can only be one winner and the winner is ... you bet you are, you bet he is ... Tony Abbott! (Applause) Some say he wasn't fit to be Prime Minister. Others say he was too fit to be Prime Minister. What is certain was that he was very, very fit. Particularly for a Prime Minister. He the top job for less than two years. A period of time brief enough that we may well ask ourselves: did that really happen?.I work on an adult sex line to make ends meet. Yes, it did happen and it was pretty weird. It wasn't just the things he said.No-one is the suppository of all wisdom.Coal is good for humanity.I'm going to shirt front Mr Putin, you bet you are - you bet I am. And it wasn't just the things he did.Dancing and dancing and dancing. It's that he did it all with absolute sincerity, and we as a nation let him do it.I don't want to get into any more trouble.He wasn't afraid to remind people of his many achievements.We have stopped the boats. We have stopped the boats.We have stopped the boats.The boats have stopped. And through his self-inflicted difficulties, Tony Abbott showed us that being Prime Minister is a lot like biting into an onion. You're going to make mistakes, like biting into an onion. And you can either learn from those mistakes and not take another bite of the onion, or you can just go in for a second bite. Tony Abbott was a man who never let the second bite of an onion elude him. He stopped boats. He ate onions. But above all, he made us laugh. And for that, he is The Yearly's Person of the Year. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it. Thank you for watching. Enjoy your festive season. We're back in the first week of February 2016. Goodnight! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE .

KING LOUIS:
We are not accustomed to waiting. After five years, what's
a few more minutes, Your Majesty?

(Sighs)

Heat, flies, boredom. I do so love parades. You know, I'm thinking about
fainting, just for something to do.

What's wrong with him?

Have you forgotten about
the massacre at Savoy?

What massacre?

It's just like the Duke to be late. He's always paraded himself
as my equal, when Savoy is little more than
a pimple on France's chin. A strategically important pimple,
Sire, the vital defence against
Spanish influence on our border. I'm aware of that, Cardinal.

So is the Duke - otherwise he wouldn't
keep us standing around all day. (Loud rattling, cannon fire) What do I hear?
Why are they firing the guns? Oh, it's some Duke or other
who's visiting the King.

What Duke? Savoy? Is... is it Savoy?
(Door clatters shut)

Victor, I trust
your journey was comfortable. Dreadful. Your French roads
are full of potholes. But it was worth every bump
and bruise to see you again. I have missed you, sister,
more than I can say.

Cardinal Richelieu,
I've seen healthier-looking corpses. (Chuckles) You spend too much time
at your desk. Oh, I assure you, I'm quite robust. I rejoice in your good health.
You know Gontard, my First Minister?

TREVILLE: Get the King to safety!

PORTHOS: Protective formation now!
Wait there! Don't move!Split up!

Hello, old friend.
Don't make me kill you.

Marsac?

First a deserter
and now an assassin? You don't understand. It was the Duke of Savoy
that led the attack and killed our friends
five years ago.

Put your weapon on the ground.
We were friends, Aramis. Now!

Aramis, please listen to me.

Thank you.

That's for leaving me alone in
the forest with 20 dead Musketeers. # Theme music

TREVILLE: Everybody inside now! So you talk of peace
while you plot to murder me? Such accusations
are wild and dangerous. And wholly untrue.
We only have your word for that. We all know the Cardinal's promises
are written in water. Perhaps our cousins, the Spanish,
will be more welcoming. My men are searching for
the assassin. At least delay any rash action
until we know his motive. Captain Treville is right.
We must wait for the facts. Spoken like
a true daughter of France. I am the Duchess of Savoy and
your loving wife before I'm anything. Forgive me, my love.
I spoke in anger. The shot might've hit
any one of us. At such a time,
we should remember what unites us.

We are family, after all. Savoy does not wish to be your enemy
but our trust will not be abused. If France will not guarantee
our security, Spain will. Allow the Spanish into your country,
you'll lose independence forever. Thank you. I know you have Savoy's
interests close to your heart. We will postpone signing the treaty while you establish
the truth of this outrage. In the meantime, I am content
to accept your hospitality. How very gracious of you. If we had our way, we would
kick the Duke's pompous arse all the way back to his tiny
and ridiculous principality. France needs Savoy and he knows it. It would be a disaster for us if his country were
to fall to the Spanish. This outrage
could work to our advantage. Find out if there's
truth to the rumour that Cluzet languishes
in a French prison. The matter is already in hand,
Your Grace. Perhaps Richelieu thinks
I have forgotten my chancellor, but he is very wrong. If France had anything to do with
Cluzet's disappearance, the Cardinal
can whistle for his treaty. MARSAC: Have you never asked yourself
what really happened that night? All these years, we thought
the Spanish butchered our friends. It was the Duke. How do you know?
The raiding party were all masked. I've made it my life's work
to find out the truth.

Care to tell me what's going on?

Marsac's an old friend.
An old friend? An old friend who just
tried to kill the Duke of Savoy. Hear him out. Marsac was one of
the best soldiers in the regiment.

He's a Musketeer?
He was.

We were brothers once. For the sake of our old friendship,
let me prove what I know!

I need you to keep quiet about this
for now. Have you gone mad?
Possibly, but I owe him my life.

If this gets me hanged, I'm
going to take it very personally.

This is your doing!
Why would I seek the Duke's death? I want your word this is not
another of your deadly games! I know how your mind works,
your endless tricks and deceptions. Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm the grand deceiver and you're
the bluff, honest man of action. I'm familiar with the roles we play.
I assure you I am not playing.

Need I remind you
that we are tied together by decisions we both took
in Savoy five years ago? There's not been one night since then
I haven't thought of it. You're very sensitive for a man
in the business of killing. Death in battle is one thing but your world of back-alley
stabbings and murder disgusts me. Not everything I do is pleasant
but it's all necessary. With great respect for your
exquisite delicacy of feeling, may we please
return to the real issue here?