Note: Where available, the PDF/Word icon below is provided to view the complete and fully formatted document
Disclaimer: The Parliamentary Library does not warrant the accuracy of closed captions. These are derived automatically from the broadcaster's signal.
7.30 - 2013 Election Eve Special -

View in ParlViewView other Segments

(generated from captions) In the west, a surface trough has generated mid level cloud over central Western Australia and a trough extending from WA to southern NSW is generating areas of patchy rain and the odd thunderstorm. Highs directing onshore winds onto the south-west of WA and Queensland coasts bringing a few showers.

Looks like those showers forecast earlier in the week will hold off for election day. That's the latest from the Canberra newsroom. For more ACT news you can follow us on-line or on Twitter. But stay with us now for 7.30 with Leigh Sales. I'm Virginia Haussegger, have a great weekend. Goodnight.

Closed Captions by CSI Australia

This Program is Captioned Live.Welcome to this special edition of 7:30, as Australia prepares to vote on who will lead the country for the next 3 years. Barring a miracle for the Government, this time tomorrow night Tony Abbott will be the PM elect and Australia will once again have a Coalition Government. Labor inside ers are privately conceding an almost certain defeat and simply hope to save as many seats as possible. Shortly we'll hear from the Government and the Coalition and from a panel of top analysts but first political editor Chris Uhlmann is with the Abbott camp in western Sydney and Heather Ewart is in Kevin Rudd's home town of Brisbane. Chris, firstly, what's the Abbott camp up to this election campaign? Election eve, sorry.Well Tony Abbott finished his day here in the marginal Labor seat of Lindsey in Sydney's outer west. He's just done a round of television and radio appearances. His staff will be well pleased with the way the campaign has gone. They started with a plan, executed it and barely put a foot wrong which is a marked contrast with how things have gone inside the Labor tent. From here he will go back to his own seat of Warringah. He will vote there tomorrow morning and then heading out to more electorates to keep campaigning. Probably I would think in places like Kingsford Smith and also in Barton which are Labor-held seats.Chris, what are the very latest polls saying about things? Well, the Neilsen poll in Fairfax papers which will be published in full tomorrow show as-2-party preferred vote for the Coalition of 54-Sebastian - 54-46. That will out do the baseball bat election in '96 that took out the Keating Government. Sydney likely to be Ground Zero for the party and that's the way things were seen when Julia Gillard was in charge. NSW will be the place to watch tomorrow and Lindsey certainly will be one of the first seats to fall. So the party may well be asking itself what that whole leadership change was about at the end of this.Chris, thank you very much. Let's go to Heather Ewart in Brisbane. Heather, what's the Rudd camp doing this evening? Well, as is often the case on the final day of the campaign, Kevin Rudd has cracked a frenetic pace racing through from one event to another in the outer seats of Sydney trying to shore up support there. He's just arrived back here tonight in his seat of Griffith. He's done a couple of TV interviews and commitments but he's now basically called it quits and gone home. He's tried to put a brave face on all day but he and his team, I think, would have to know that this is a very, very dire situation for Labor. Behind the scenes any hard head in the party that I've spoken to is predicting a loss of 20 seats, maybe even more, a swing of 4 to 5% and I think Labor's own research is showing this. You've got to remember that they started this campaign actually thinking that Kevin Rudd was in with a chance. Now that is absolutely no longer the case. It's a very bleak and pretty despondent picture in the Rudd team.Heather, just briefly, obviously a lot of talk in the coming days is going to turn to what's gone wrong with the Labor campaign? It certainly will. I think the most - postmortems have already begun. There are two issues there. The electorate had maybe just made up its mind long ago that it was fed up with the constant leadership changes and division in the Labor Party. But more to the point I think Kevin Rudd was expected to be a great campaigner. He's had an OK week, a good week possibly this week but that hasn't been the case all the way through. It's been a very patchy campaign, a lot of mistakes made and a serious disconnect, I think, between the head office, the head campaign office in Melbourne and Kevin Rudd's team on the road. And particularly his strategist Bruce Hawker. So I think there will be a lot of analysing about a lot of people wanting to talk about that once election day is over.OK. Heather Ewart, thank you very much.The two leaders have spent a final frantic day on the hustings. Tony Abbott was on the attack in Labor's heartland while Kevin Rudd was on the defensive trying to shore up Labor's marginal seats to minimise its losses. Our political editor Chris Uhlmann was out and about following the last day of campaigning and assessing the lay of the land in the key battle ground seats.

All smiles on the surface. That's great, mate.You're favourite band.That's terrific.But the lives of both of these men are about to change dramatic Atley and so will the life of the nation.Well-done.In the campaign's final hours the course the leaders chart on the run to the finish shows exactly how this race will end.For a Queenslander this isn't a bad beach.Today Kevin Rudd was sandbagging the NSW marginal seat of Robertson. While Tony Abbott was stepping out in the supposedly safe Labor seat of Chisholm in Victoria. That's Queensland made.That's Queensland made as well.If you wonder how the leaders think this campaign is going, just listen to them. Kevin Rudd knows he's well behind.According to out today we've got about 3 points to make up and what I know about Australians is there's a whole bunch of people who don't sort out which way they're going to vote until the day itself. And so what I'd say to each and every one of you is to encourage you to get out there and to fight and to fight and to fight right through until 6pm on polling day.The Coalition believes it has beaten Labor, its major concern now is it will be gifted an unworkable Senate by voters backing an array of minor parties. The danger, as we go into the last hourings - hours of this campaign, is that people will dilly-dally with Independents and minor party candidates, sure they might be fun, sure they might be different, but they will damage our country and damage our government if they play the same role in the next Parliament that they played in the last Parliament.And in Sydney's west Labor MPs are pleading to be spared for Opposition.Whatever happens tomorrow you're going to need people like me, people like Chris Bowen that will hold Tony Abbott to account.Jason Clare hints at Labor's darkest fear, that the electorate is set to tear the Government apart. Let's take a conservative look at which seats will fall. Remember the party that gets to 76 wins.And that's where the problem begins for the Government because this race starts with Labor on 72 and the Coalition on 75. In the west the seat to watch is Labor's Brand. But assume no change here.In the Northern Territory the Coalition hopes for Lingiari but no-one really knows how it's tracking so no change.SA will see a large swing to the Coalition but the margins are also large. The seats to watch are Hindmarsh, Adelaide and Wakefield. One falls. Tasmania has an unpopular Labor/Green government and that's lead in the saddlebags of Federal Labor. Bass and Braddon are in the firing line and the Coalition is dreams of Lyons. In Victoria, Corangamite, La Trobe and Deakin are the low hanging fruit. Higher up the tree others are threatened. Melbourne should stay with the Greens and here's there's one possible surprise, the Liberal seat of Indi might fall to an Independent. NSW could be Labor's killing field with Sydney the dagger through its heart. The seats of Lindsey, Greenway, banks, Reid, Werriwa, McMahon are all in play. In the regions Robertson, Dobell, Eden-Monaro, Page and Richmond are threatened. Labor looks set to lose at least 8 seats here. The promise that Kevin Rudd in
would revive Labor's fortunes in Queensland has been dashed. On a bad night every one of Labor's 8 seats is in play. Moreton, Petrie, Lilly, Capricornia, Blair, Oxley and the PM's seat of Griffith, assume 2 fall. So under this scenario 16 seats fall but it could be much, much worse.But there was a Coalition stumble with the finish line in sight with the release and swift retraction of a policy that proposed opt out filtering of all adult content on Internet and phone services.The policy was poorly expressed. As soon as we realised it was poorly expressed we corrected it. That's what we do. That's what an adult government does.How is it that with 24 hours to go the Liberal Party thought they could get away with sticking a policy out there on-line to bring about Internet censorship for the nation and get away with it? Obviously that was the plan.It was a rare slip in a very disciplined Coalition campaign but it fitted neatly with Labor's core message.If at this stage of the process you've got doubts about what Mr Abbott has in store for you, given he's kept his plans hidden until the last moment, then dote vote for him.By early afternoon Kevin Rudd was among the union faithful in Mount Druitt in Sydney's west.That's the seat of Chifley, held by Labor on a margin of over 12%.You want the Fair Work Act protected? Do you want fair and decent wages in each of your workplaces? Well vote Labor.24 hours from now we will see how the votes fall.And should Labor fall hard, so will its leader and the party will be left to ponder the second coming of Kevin '07.Well the parties are running out of time now to persuade undecided voters but they will keep campaigning right up to the last minute.A short time ago I spoke to Labor's Deputy Leader Anthony Albanese and senior Liberal Christopher Pyne.Mr Pyne, Mr Albanese, welcome to the program.Let me start by asking each of you your best estimate of how many seats you think your side will have in the House of Representatives after tomorrow. Christopher Pyne.That is a very leading question and I'm sure that neither Anthony nor I will want to answer it because you never count your chickens before they hatch. This has been a very hard-fought election. It will come down to the wire tomorrow. Labor has thrown everything at the Coalition in the last week and I couldn't predict the outcome but I hope that the Australian public will if they want to abolish the carbon tax, the mining tax and stop the boats and build the infrastructure for the 21st century vote Coalition tomorrow. Anthony Albanese, I know I'm being a bit cheeky asking that. Do you care to answer it?I hope we Velban - we have 76 seats, that's the objective. You can't be building the infrastructure of the 21st century when you're stopping the railway to the national broadband network, when you're cutting the roads budget, when you're saying you will spend absolutely zero on urban public transport and you're cutting back on clean energy. That's not a plan for the 21st century. That's a plan for last century.Anthony Albanese, Labor is pretty well resigned to losing tomorrow though, isn't it?Not at all. We're out there campaigning in each and every seat. I'll be campaigning hard until 6:00 tomorrow. We believe very strongly that when people get in the polling booth, they will ask themselves will they take a risk on Tony Abbott, a risk when they don't know where all the cuts will land. They know there will be massive cuts to issues like the school kids bonus and $8 billion cut to the Better Schools plan compared to our plan. A $2 billion cut when it comes to the national broadband network, their fraud band alternative, and an $8 billion cut when it comes to nation infrastructure, all of these issues are out there and they will ask themselves is Tony Abbott up to the job really of being PM. I think the answer's no. I hope the Australian people agree with me.Christopher Pyne, right of reply.Well Leigh, Anthony is sounding more and more unhinged as the campaign wears on and tonight he's finally, you know, jumped the shark. The truth is that most of the statements he's just made are part of Labor's ongoing scare campaign because they have no plan the future. Five weeks ago Kevin Rudd said that he was going to run a positive campaign and instruct George Wright, the national secretary of the ALP, to run a positive campaign. But their whole campaign is built on lies and scares and we just heard more of that from Anthony Albanese. They have no plan for the future. They can't talk about their record because their record is one of debt and deficit and hopeless budgetary management and 50,000 unauthorised boat arrivals. They dumped Kevin Rudd 3 years ago, they dumped Julia Gillard about 2 months ago, it's been chaos and dysfunction from wall to wall for the last 3 years. We don't need another 3 years like the last 3 years.I want to ask you about the campaign broadly because the prepoll votes and the postal vote tally show that almost a fifth of the electorate has already voted so people have made up their minds well before the campaign was ended. Anthony Albanese, what is that a reflection of, do you think?Those figures have been rising over a period of time. That's just a reflection of the changed electoral circumstances just like more people are engaged with social media than ever before, just like some of the polling, I don't think, reflects reality because young people aren't sitting at home for waiting for the phone to ring on their fixed telephone line rental. We've been very positive about our plan for the future. We also have a good record. We've created almost 1 million jobs, we have low inflation, low interest rates, we have higher work force participation, less industrial disputes, a AAA credit rating.I want to ask Christopher Pyne what about I just said about how so many people have voted. What's your take? Almost 20% of people have voted either prepoll or postal and I think what it reflects is that the Australian public are very over the dysfunction of the last 3 years. They're very over this parliament, b they're over the election, they're over the constant haranguing and lecturing from Kevin Rudd and people like Anthony Albanese. They wanted to get their vote out-of-the-way because they'd made up their mind a long time ago that the chaos, dysfunction and division of the Labor Government for the last 3 years is something they really want to put behind them.Let me pick up on something Christopher Pyne said there, he talked about chaos and division but we also know there's been a huge degree of rancour in the Parliament over the last 3 years or so. Do you think after tomorrow's election that there can be any sort of progress towards bipartisanship on some of the key big issues that Australians would love to see you working together on?Well, if only they had as many policies as they have adjectives and slurs, Leigh. What we've seen since last election drHow about you just address that question.What they've had since the last election is the longest dummy spit in Australian political history. They didn't accept the result of the Australian people. Issues like foreign aid -I'm talking about what's happening after tomorrow.Issues like foreign aid were bipartisan, we had a bipartisan consensus on it, that was thrown out yesterday. Tony Abbott is many things. One of the things he's not is someone who can work with people in a way that promotes consensus.Christopher Pyne, can I ask do you think there's any hope of any sort of bipartisanship listening to what Anthony Albanese said? I will actually answer your question unlike Anthony who is still hype ventilating and needs a good night's sleep. Yes, of course there is, we both support the National Disability Insurance Scheme, we both support exactly the same funding envelope for education.That's not true.We largely have a bipartisan approach to the role of Australia in the world. So there are areas where we can be bipartisan and I'm just sorry that Anthony's still haranguing and lecturing your viewers with Labor's talking points.Gentlemen, we're out of time, unfortunately. I wish you both individually the best for tomorrow. Thank you very much for making time to speak to the program tomorrow.Thanks, Leigh.Good luck Anthony.The big surprise on election night could well be the Senate with a record number of candidates standing around the country. Many of them from minor parties have done complicated preference deals that could lead to unexpected results. What's likely is that the Greens will lose their grip on the balance of power. Here's Heather Ewart again.

The heydays for the Greens when they had the minority Labor Government over a barrel are gone.Now they're fighting hard to hang onto the balance of power in the Senate. There is no doubt that Australia needs to have the Greens in balance of power in the Senate. The Greens have 3 of their 9 senators up for election. One of those at risk is Sarah Hanson-Young. Around the country their message is the same, vote Green to Abbott proof the Senate.You will need the Greens in the Senate standing up against him.The Greens could even pick up seats but if the Coalition makes gains in the Senate the Greens are likely to be squeezed out of the balance of power and it falls in a completely new direction.The balance of power is likely to fall to minor parties and Independent senators. Senator Madigan whose term continues, Nick Xenephon who will be re-elected, possibly James Blundell from Katters Australian Party. Those 3 would obtain the balance of powfer the Coalition pick up 2 seats as expected.It's a pretty frightening thought for Australia as to just how far to the right Australia would be dragged by that kind of combination.It's a combination that could well have others in the mix, like Pauline Hanson and a Clive Palmer representative. That's because there's a record number of Senate candidates at this election. And complicated preference deals among the minor parties mean they could get elected with just 2% of the vote. I'll give you one of these each, is that alright?But SA Independent Nick Xenephon is confident enough of gaining the balance of pow wer the D.L. P Senator John Madigan and Katter Australia candidate James Blundell that he's already begun talks on how the combination night work.I've spoken to James Blundell, I know John Madigan well and where there's common ground I'll work on that.Those two names are fantastic. I'd love to be in a think tank with those two men. We have our disagreement but we all do. We focus on what unites us, not what divides us.So who are these men the Greens claim will be dangerously right wing and side with an Abbott Government? DLP Senator John Madigan is a country blacksmith by trade and got into the Senate in the last election. He claims he won't be a pushover in any balance of power arrangement.I'm not going to cave if I'm in that position of holding the balance of power, if I'm threaten and say we're going to introduce another Work Choices and if you don't vote for it we'll go for a double dissolution. Go for your life because I won't vote for one.It's not quite so straightforward for Queensland country and western singer James Blundell. He's a prize catch for the Katter Australia Party but also a self-confessed political novice. So just how well equipped would he be to deal with the balance of power? Totally underprepared regarding process of Parliament, of governance. Ideologically and life experience I think probably pretty well equipped. (Sings) # Made in China on the labels of most everything we buy #What Tony Abbott can be assured of is they're all opposed to the carbon tax or want it scrapped for a different scheme. But it would still have to deal with Greens and the Labor until the new Senate took effect next July. He's already threatened a double dissolution if they unite to block the repeal of the tax.I think the brutal reality is if there is an Abbott Government and a Senate where the Greens have the balance of power we will probably go to the polls in the next 12 to 18 months.But if the Greens lose control Tony Abbott would be likely to get the carbon tax repealed by the Upper House after next July. I think it has to be abolished. Wasn't of the - one of the things I'm enjoying at the moment is it allows me to shoot my mouth off and deal with the flak later.I would support the repeal of the carbon tax. That's been crystal clear message of mine and the DLP.But on other fronts Tony Abbott couldn't rely on their support. For example, they broadly back the idea of a mining tax and they won't have a bar of the Coalition's paid parental leave policy.I don't believe this is going to deliver for the majority. I think that, you know, a minority are going to benefit.I see the paid parental leave scheme as too generous. So something has to give. Uniformally people feel paid parental leave, the sum or the resource of paid parental leave would be better applied to day care.For now, they're claiming they're not open to horse trading and that includes the strongly anti-abortion party the DLP.Could you see a situation where you would be tempted to use your strong views on-airias like abortion and same-sex marriage as a bargaining chip in the Senate? Look, I don't believe in bludgeoning people and I don't believe that you change anything unless you win hearts and minds and you do not win hearts and minds but putting people over a barrel. And I won't do it.As our reporter het Heather Ewart mentioned earlier it's likely much of the focus in coming days will turn to what went wrong with the Labor campaign. Campaigns are of course all about the big picture messages that the leaders and their teams are are able to get out but there are also all those little unexpected moments that can hijack the news agenda or deliver images that are exactly what the politicians don't want. To look at the campaign highs and lows I'm joined now by two men who have first hand experience of the campaign trail, former Liberal senator and powerbroker Nick Minchin and former adviser to Kevin Rudd Lachlan Harris, welcome to you both. Firstly can either of you foresee an outcome in which the Coalition isn't the next government? Lachlan Harris? Absolutely not. I think probably best-case scenario now for Labor is to lose less than 20 seats. I think the reality is Labor is facing an absolute thumping tomorrow and I cannot see any scenario where they would lose anything, anywhere with a kind of single digit would be a miracle. It's simply not going to happen. Nick Minchin.With 13 million votes still to be cast like all Coalition supporters you're nervous the night before, are people going to do what the polls say. Australian polls is pretty good. The polls normally getting right. The polls are showing essentially 53-47, a swing to the Coalition which would give them a minimum of a 12-seat gain. We're looking at 85-odd seats to the Coalition.Do you think the campaign has changed people's minds one way or the other or do you think they were made up?You'd have to say that it's been consistently in favour of the Coalition for 2 or 3 years, the Coalition have been ahead. There was a blip when Kevin Rudd came back, some relief that Julia Gillard had gone. What's been amazing to me is how that sort of - how ephemeral that support for Rudd has been. It's just disappeared. He hasn't campaigned well and people have just gone back to what their underlying views of this government. It's been like a scene out of I Claudius for six years and when people have had to focus on this election they remember what it's been like for f 6 years and they said no, we've got to get rid of this mob. There is the 6-year back story but in terms of the campaign what do you think has gone wrong? I think it's almost impossible to disconnect those two events. Labor lost this campaign on June 24, 2010 and that's because they damaged Kevin Rudd and they destroyed Julia Gillard on that night and now they are learning the very tough lesson that actions have consequences and that's what we're learning now. The campaign wasn't great. It could have been much, much better but in the end I think that night has had an incredibly damaging impact on Labor and its two greatest players. Together they were unbeatable, they destroyed each other and the results are going to be very, very ugly for Labor as a result tomorrow.So because of that, I notice you agreeing with that, Nick Minchin, does it mean Tony Abbott's had an easy ride to get where he is?No, I don't think you should draw that conclusion. I think everybody's been surprised at just how well Tony's campaigned. I mean this is the thing, see bringing Rudd in just before a campaign having to change your whole campaign strategy and tactics and machinery has been a really - it hasn't worked for Labor whereas Tony's been campaigning for 4 years. He had all the experience of 2010, he did well then. So it's been a 4-year campaign and he is a very, very disciplined guy. And I think that's come through.Do you think, Lachlan Harris, that Tony Abbott's had a good campaign? There is a bit of a sense of when the momentum is behind you you can do no wrong. Even when you're so far in front, even the things you do wrong can work for you, the sex appeal gaffe might be an example of that. When you're behind that could be a disaster. In the end he has been, I think, much more disciplined this time. I don't think he actually did run a good campaign in 2010. I think if he campaigned well in 2010 he would have won. I think he's campaigned much better this time. I thought the first debate when he came out and he was much more prime ministerial and he had a clearer message than Rudd and I think that set in for Labor they were in big trouble when Abbott won that first debate, I think that's when the rot really set in.Nick Minchin, do you think there's been any particular moment in the campaign whereas Lachlan says the rot has set in for Labor?Well Labor pinned its campaign on two things that people wouldn't vote for Tony Abbott and we had a $70 billion black hole. And neither of those things have worked and I thought the most striking moment of the campaign was when Labor alleged this $10 billion problem with the savings of the Coalition and the departmental secretaries, the heads of Treasury and Finance felt compelled to come out and say we've been verbaled. That to me was the most significant moment of the campaign. It blew the credibility of the PM, the Treasurer and the Finance Minister and blew away their main attack line on the Coalition. I thought that was the most significant. It was essentially the end.Do you agree, Lachie, on that point that that was a devastating moment in the Labor campaign? Because of course Labor has said well no, it's not? It was a very damaging blow. In the end I think Kevin Rudd is incredibly good at promoting a positive policy agenda. He's never been great at delivering the negatives and I think they were always on a hiding to nothing when they went that way but I think it's also important to remember that if Rudd can get anywhere near 50 seats I think that will be considered internally that Rudd 2 was a success. They were heading for a 35-seat, 30-seat wipe out so he was done the job he was brought back to do which is save the furniture in some way but it's still going to be a very tough day.Everyone watching will grown when I suggest this possibility but is it possible in your view that we could be going to another election, a double dissolution at some point soon because of the whole carbon tax repeal issue in the Senate?Well the Senate is the great unknown and no-one can predict what will happen in the Senate. The Coalition won't get a majority but it may be a situation where there's a balance of power that's ameanable to the agenda the Coalition has. Even if the Coalition can't get its carbon tax removal through it's not going to rush off to a double dissolution. It would stack up some double dissolution bills and hold the election close to the due time anyway. I don't think everyone should worry about rushing off at the end of the polls and let's hope there is a Senate that's workable. For most of the time of the Howard Government we didn't have the numbers in the Senate, we had to negotiate everything through a Senate with the Democrats in the balance of power and we achieved a lot. So it can be done.Gentlemen, we're out of time but thank you very much, it's been a pleasure to have you in.And that's the program for tonight. Don't forget to stay with the ABC tomorrow as election night unfolds from 6pm eastern time on TV, radio on-line and on your mobile. I'll be back at 7:00 on Sunday night for a one-hour news special analysing the outcome. Hope you join me then but for now goodnight.Captions by CSI Australia

(Cheering and applause) Good evening, good evening, good
evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight,
once again, the 'I's have it. I spy with my little eye
the illustrious Sandi Toksvig! (Cheering and applause)

The indubitable Jimmy Carr! (Cheering and applause)
Thank you. The incorrigible Lee Mack! (Cheering and applause)
Thank you. And the 'ilarious Alan Davies. (Cheering and applause) And I hear with my little ear
their buzzers. Sandi goes... (SEDUCTIVE LADY: Aye-aye)
(Laughter) Jimmy goes...
(Laughter) Lee goes...
(Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye!) (Laughter)
And Alan goes... £ I've got a lovely
bunch of coconuts. £ (Laughter) Don't forget
your Nobody Knows Joker. (Fanfare)
(Nobody knows) That's the one. There is a question to which the answer is,
'Nobody knows' and if you can predict which that
question is and wave your banner, you'll get points. And so to question 'I',
I mean, question one. No, I was right the first time. What's the difference
between an 'ai' and an 'aye-aye'? Have you heard of an 'ai'?
It's a very useful word in Scrabble. A-I.
Yes. Oh, yes! It's a sloth. A sloth! Exactly. But what about
an aye-aye?JIMMY: Two sloths. (Laughter) Alright, so we've got the ai.
Where does the ai live, this sloth? Where does it live?
ALAN: In a tree. Yeah. In which part of the world
would you expect to find it? South America.
South America's the right answer. They're wonderful things.
They look like humans dressed in a sloth costume,
as a matter of fact. To be fair, you could say that
about any animal. A giraffe looks like
a human in a giraffe costume. You look at a picture of an ai and
I think you'll see what I mean.Oh! That does look like a person
in a costume. He's climbing a tree which
looks like a man dressed as a tree. (Laughter)
Yes. He also looks like
he's made of that stuff they used to make dish mops out of. Their heads are very
disproportionate.They are. They live up to their name.
They're very lazy. They only come down to defecate. They come down from
a tree to defecate?Yes. Surely the benefit of living
in a tree is you can... ..poo on whomever you like.
Maybe they have a downstairs toilet. Yes.
(Laughter) Hadn't thought of that, had you?
No. Once you've had it put in,
you want to use it.Absolutely. Very unusually for mammals, they need to bask in the sun
to warm up their metabolism. So that's the ai. We've got the ai.
But tell me about the aye-aye. Is it spelt the same as the ai?
No. Obviously there's more letters.
It's A-Y-E-hyphen-A-Y-E. Aye-aye, sir.And I happen
to have been and seen one. Very few people have 'cause it's
one of the most endangered species. Is it a Geordie version of that?
Aye-aye? No, that's the 'why-aye'. Oh, OK.Are we in the same part
of the world? We're not in the same part.
Is it a sloth? It's not a sloth. It's more closely
related to us. It's a primate. ALAN: Primate.But it's not an ape
or a monkey. What other kinds... Is it the aye-aye orangutan?
Lemur?Lemur. It's a lemur. Therefore, it must come
from only one place on earth. SANDI: Oh!
LEE: Bradford. (Laughter) It looks like someone's
put some water on a gremlin. (Laughter)
Yes. That's exactly right.
Which you know you mustn't do. I would think that the animal
on the left has an easier job getting a well-fitting hat.
Yes. And a girlfriend.
Yes. That may be why the aye-aye
is so endangered.It's Madagascar. Madagascar's the only place
you get lemurs. You can't see there, but they have
the most extraordinary middle finger which is fully extended
and looks like a dried twig. Really unusual. They tap with
their finger on the barks of trees and bring out little worms
and grubs which they catch and eat off their finger,
like a piece of cutlery. So nature has designed
them to eat Hula Hoops? Basically.
That's extraordinary. Zoologists would say they fill
the niche that woodpeckers fill in other environments. There are superstitions,
aren't there, about them? If you... Pardon me.
If I did this to you, or this, and if one of those did that to you,
that'd be... That's right. It's called the 'fady', which is the Malagasy
taboo system of the local people, and unfortunately they regard them...
Because they're nocturnal creatures and 'cause they look
so weird, I suppose, they regard them as a curse and they
have a habit of killing them. It does look like a really bad
hair transplant.It does. Well, I'm not surprised
people kill them. Never mind superstition, if you
walk across a street doing that, you're going to get a guy going,
'I can take him on.' And also, I'm not surprised
they're endangered, 'cause they're clearly not mating,
are they? They're looking at each
other and going, 'I'd rather not.' It is dark, remember.Do all
the ugly ones come out in the dark? (Laughter)
That's how Jimmy mates.Oh! 'I'm happy to do it, love, but it'll
have to be with the lights off.' (Chuckles) (Laughter) I can't believe your wife
told you that story. (Laughter)
Oh! (Applause)

It's like...I even did that
in a northern accent. It's like watching two 1970s
northern comics having a row. 'Funny, your wife said...' 'Your
wife doesn't exist.' 'You what?' (Laughter) They do that on the streets of New
York with 'your mama', don't they? They do what with my mama?!
(Laughter) Why don't you say 'one's mama'?
One's mama.Yeah. I'd love you to do that
on the streets of New York. One's mama.
'Oh, one's mama to you.' Yes. That'll jolly well show them. Anyway, you didn't get that right,
so let's try again. What's the difference
between an 'aye' and an 'aye-aye'? It's the same question.
Yes, but with different answers. Oh. Is it different answers?
Yes.Oh, I don't know then. (Laughter) Maybe this time, aye-aye, sir. Is it 'Aye-aye, sir' and 'Aye, sir'
are two different things?Yes. That's the difference. In the navy... There's Kenneth Williams,
a shining example. Do you know how they separate
the men from the boys in the navy? With a crowbar.
SANDI: Do tell us. (Laughter)
So, um... Oh, dear.
JIMMY: Aw! As you know, they say, 'Aye' in the
navy, but they also say, 'Aye-aye'. There's a difference and I want you
to tell me what that difference is. Does 'Aye' mean yes,
as in 'What do you want?' So you go, 'You!' 'Aye?'
'Go and mop the floor.' 'Aye-aye.' Basically, yes. 'Aye'
is an agreement or an assent. So the captain might say, 'Nice
morning, isn't it, sailor?' and the sailor would say,
'Aye, sir.' But he might say,
'Order hands to bathe' and then he'd go 'Aye-aye, sir', meaning 'I've heard your order, and
I'll carry it out.'Wash my hands. Well, no it doesn't.
What does it mean? All hands overboard. Sounds like,
'Everyone, jump in the water.' Because hands are what you call
the ship's company. All sailors have a bath
together now.Yes, in the sea. 'Hands to bathe' means there are
times when they're in nice waters, they say 'Men, swim in the sea'.
'But don't take your hats off.' (Laughter)
Whatever you do!