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Lateline -

(generated from captions) (Laughter)
Tell me, what did he say?

'Cause he'll have got it wrong,
I guarantee. What did he say? He said that I was 24 inches. Well, there you go, classic layman,
you know, in terms of circumference? You're a 26. 26.
Right, 26 inches. 28, 26, 23.5.

You're not just
reversing perspective and thinking that the heads that are
further away must be larger? (Laughter) Bizarrely, David's head is actually
bigger than Katherine's, even with perspective of distance.
Katherine's got quite a small head. She's got quite a small head which
you defined earlier on as large. David, it's time to encourage Lee
to stop talking, and what do you think? I don't think it's true. Do you not?
No. There is something about it
that just has the ring of... Fishy.
..total crock to it. Have you got a tape measure?
What, why? Well, then we could prove I'm right
by measuring your head. If we did have a tape measure, you
wouldn't want to prove you're right because you don't get a point just
if this is true. You have to make... No, no, if you had a tape measure,
you would prove that I'm right and then you'd say true. Yeah, and it would be true
and we'd get a point. And... (Laughter, applause)

(Laughter) Can I just...
Do you mind if I just...? Don't worry, I know what I'm doing,
I used to be a vet.

My head shape is like a torpedo,
though. You have to get the full length... Remember not to measure it
from the nose, Lee. Are you measuring it correctly?
Hang on, hang on. DAVID O: You can take it, the nature
of a head is that it gets smaller. You've got to get
Bang on 23! (Laughter, applause)

I am... So, David,
what does that lead you to conclude? I still don't believe it.
Really? Do you believe him now? No, I don't. Do you believe him now?
A little bit. A little bit. I think
we're going to say this is a lie. You're going to say it's a lie.
Yeah. Lee Mack, were you telling the truth,
or were you lying? I was in fact telling a lie. (Applause)

Yes, it's a lie - Lee can't tell
the circumference of someone's head just by looking at them.
(Buzz!) And that noise signals time is up
and it's the end of the show and I can reveal
that David's team romped to victory by six points to three. (Cheering, applause)

But of course,
it's not just a team game and my individual liar of the week
this week is David O'Doherty. (Cheering, applause) Yes, David O'Doherty. Obviously, I don't really think
he's the best liar, but I'm just giving him the award to
fulfil a regional quota. Goodnight. (Cheering, applause)

Closed Captions by CSI -
Amy Idziak .

This Program Is Captioned Live. Tonight, the Opposition leaps on the extraordinary intervention in the costings debate by three leading public servants. Mr Rudd's claims that there was and problem with our costings, some problems with our figures, have exploded in his face. But the Prime Minister isn't backing down, claiming the Coalition's sums are still \$10 billion out. And our position does not change one jot from what we put yesterday because the burden of proof lies with Mr Abbott. Good evening, welcome to Lateline. I'm Emma Alberici. Every election campaign brings big promises and this one has been no different. Fast trains, tax breaks for the north, new highways, an entire naval base transposed at great expense and one of the world's most generous paid parental leave schemes but it's hard to remember a time when the country was three most senior public servants in Treasury and finance have in injected them selves into the political maelstrom. With 7 days before the election, has Labor lost the trust battle? We'll explore the week in politics with Labor's Andrew Leigh and the Opposition's Christopher Pyne. You can join the conversation with guest tweeter, Miriam Lyons, follow the Lateline hashtag. First,

Captions by CSI Australia THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS
STRONG LANGUAGE

She wants to do the interview with
the signs, so you'll have to bog off.

Like a bat shat in it?

No. If anything, I am hungunder.

First DoSAC party under the new
regime, you lasted, I'd say,
until seven...

Yeah. Well, I do have a life, Olly.

Yes, but only in the way that
jellyfish or athlete's foot
have a life.

What was it last night, then?

Candlelit anniversary dinner
for one?

Hello.

Terri, what actually are you up to?
Are you still drunk?

No. I had to get in early anyway
because the BBC man's coming.

Are you wearing trainers?
You ARE wearing trainers.

Yes.

trainers, that's what they'd
look like.

I don't see there's any...

This colour for healthy breath.

Morning. Morning.

Thank you very much.

Oh, no. I'm clinging onto
that for dear life.

It will dehydrate you.

Good-o.

Mojito Murray, they now call her.

install speed bumps at the bar.
She's like Gazza at Euro '96.

I really love the division of
labour in this place.

I like the way the women
do the heavy lifting and
the men do the heavy sarcasm.

Would you like

I'm wearing make-up.

So this interview, who's coming?

Ten o'clock news.

Who...Nick Robinson?

Not Nick. He's away with the PM
on the world tour. No. It's Gavin.

Gavin Esler.

Gavin Boyes.

Who the hell is Gavin Boyes?

He's up and coming.
In what? Gay porn?

I'm launching the fourth sector
initiative. It's the centrepiece of
my political career.

I don't want to do it to some
Newsround press packer.

that Gavin Boyes

is the state wrestling champion
for West Virginia.

The launch tonight,
how many journos coming?

We've got confirmed, four.

ALL: Four!?That's one per sector.

It's not something we are ashamed
of. We're not launching
a new leper colony.

OK. No problem. I'm just going to go
down and collect Gavin and his BOYS.

Welcome to DoSAC, Gavin.

Thank you.Gavin Boyes!

I'm Glen Cullen.
No need for me to get up.

Right. Nice to meet you.

Seems very nice, young but...

Is this the way to
the face-painting tent?

I was hoping I could
be a tiger, maybe.

I told you you've overdone it with
the make-up.With the lights, you
do need it a lot on.

Take a bit off. I'm going to start
slurring my words in a minute.
It looks great.

Gavin Boyes, hello.

Just pop you over there.

Just relax.

Yes. I was.

Nicola, just relax.

Secretary of State, could you

Well, Gavin, the fourth sector is

people to give a little bit extra
and thus create something extra...

I'm so sorry, can I just...
just one second, sorry.

You all right?

You're very close and you're staring
at me like a dead-eyed shark.
It's making me tense.

Sure. Sure.

Sorry. Where were we?

So why is the PM
doing this world tour thing?

What's the point of that? I mean,
he's not easy on the world stage,
is he?

He walks like his dick's made of
glass, you know. Is it a Malc plan?

It could be. You know Steve
Fleming's back. It could be him.

If he's back, it really is the end.
What will you do when the ship
goes down?

Oh, plenty of options, Olly.

You could be a beefeater.
Do you want to be a beefeater?

Don't you worry about me, Olly.
I've got contacts.

What do you mean, don't worry about
me? Are you big in Japan?

What, what's that smile for?

Do you need winding?

I'm going to stand...in the election.

Are you serious?

Yeah.
I should hear later today whether or
not I've got enough support

for the Ilford East long list.

Fucking hell!

You on a massive poster.
What's your slogan going to be?

"He's old and sullen,
vote for Cullen." How about that?

Actually, I'm pretty excited by this.

It's hard to take on board. It's
something.

I am strangely really proud of you.

The Prime Minister fully endorses
my fourth sector initiative.

I know that's something
he's really squarely behind.

Surely you can't ignore the
nay-sayers who say he's a lame duck,
not fit for the job?

I believe that Tom is absolutely
the best man for the job

and I think we should all just
let him get on with doing that job.

What's morale like in the party?

Sorry... One sec, I just said best
MAN for the job, I think, didn't I?

I need to say best PERSON.

It's kind of the same, you'd have to
be very PC to pick a hole in that.

You don't want to give
the impression you'd like

Absolutely. At some point,
I would love there to be

but that point
isn't reached yet, you know,

and I believe the current prime
minister is absolutely the best
PERSON

for the...Yes...job.

Yes. Yep. Got it.

Best person for the job.
You did get that, did you?

Yeah.You got the end.Yeah. We got
all we need. Thanks very much.

OK. (MOUTHS) Was it all right?

It was perfect.

It wasn't perfect cos I said
"best man" and I corrected to
"person" and you kept going "Urgh".

I wouldn't give it a second thought,
honestly.

Give our...our very best
to John Craven and Dexter Fletcher.

Right. So, Ben Swain, the man
you love to hate and love to sack,
actually, is on his way up.

Oh, great.

I'm going to get out of this funeral
suit and chisel off the first
three inches of make-up.

Ah, the prodigal Swain returns.

Menstrual cycle,
Ben on the 4th July.

Olly, put the kettle on.

Oh, the good ship Olly-pop,
old lang syne.

How are things at the Department
of Education, Education, Education?

Going at the foot pump mainly because
you are the Robin Hood of politics.

Robin Hood was a hero.

He was not a hero,
he was a terrorist.

You're stealing from the education
department, pumping it out as a
DoSAC idea.

This Back On Track policy that you
launched at your chimps' tea party
last night,

well, that sounds
very similar, very, very...

almost identical to my Unify Policy
that I was working on here

til I was booted out by
knicker face. Where is Jenni Murray?

I really wouldn't go in...
SCREAMING
Oh, God! Jesus!

She's just been doing an interview.

An interview for what? FHM?
What's she done to her face?

She looks like a pissed Aunt Sally.
I'm really sorry...

Let's not talk about it ever again.

I will forget...

What do you want?
..everything I've seen.

Back On Track, it is exactly the same
as my Unify Initiative.

You don't like me, that's as clear as
fish piss by kicking me out after you
arrive.

Malcolm's calling. I thought he was

sluicing sand out of Tom's thong in
Ibiza or wherever they've got to.

He is. He's away in Spain.
Just ignore Malcolm.

Ignore Malcolm?

What can he do?Olly, you're not
worried that you've hurt yourself.

I just keep getting these terrible

Of you being stabbed
repeatedly in the face.

Or you in a coma
on a life-support machine

a gay policeman in the 1970s.

Malcolm, I can explain.

Olly, thank God that you're safe.

Sorry.

That's from me.

What's Giant Haystacks doing here?

I am here, Malcolm, because Nicola
has been nicking my policies,
through Olly.

Is this true, the little man
in the red and yellow car?No.

I've been told by Steve Fleming
to think the unthinkable.

Well, listen, I am telling you
to unthink the unthinkable.

You can't even cope with thinking
the thinkable.Why are you here?

Hello, Malcolm. You look a bit tired.
You look incompetent.

Tired and a wee bit grumpy.

Well, actually, Lucille Ballbag,

I am here to prep Nicola here
for her BBC interview.

A bit late for that.

Terri, I fucking e-mailed you and I
told you to move it to later because

I wanted to administer a preparatory
fucking verbal cosh. Right?

Well...

And there it is.
Didn't fuck...didn't fucking send.

It didn't send. Right?There you go.
You just owe me an apology,
that's all.

I'm sorry?

That's the one.

That wasn't an apology, that was
a "pardon, I'm sorry?".

Why aren't you on the Tom tour?

Yeah. I heard Steve
Fleming was on the tour.

Big beast.

Tiny fucking rodent, more like.
He's part of the larger problem.
Which is?

Have you been in Number Ten lately?
Jesus. It's like the break-up of
The Beatles.

During the fall of the Roman Empire,
while fucking Jordan's getting
divorced from

that bloke, all happening at the
same time in a tiny terraced house.
Yeah?

Anyway, this interview, right...

How did it go?

It's a small...

PHONE RINGS
Sorry, Malcolm. Can I? Sorry.

They wanted to talk "Tom",
and I said that he was the best MAN
for the job.

Yeah. Well, so what, it's the BBC,
it's not fucking Spare Rib, is it?