Note: Where available, the PDF/Word icon below is provided to view the complete and fully formatted document
Disclaimer: The Parliamentary Library does not warrant the accuracy of closed captions. These are derived automatically from the broadcaster's signal.
Good News Week -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) Looks like the Jews and the Muslims

were right! LAUGHTER

Palestine closer together... If this doesn't bring Israel and

Nothing will! This little pigy went

to market, this little pigy went

home, and this little piggy had

roast beef, and this little pigg

went, cough, cough, cough! All the

way to the morgue! The virus is a

mu tant strain of pig, bird and

human flu., as we used to say on

the farm, a barnyard threesome!

Hold on tight, grandma, it's a long

ride! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ride! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

As a result of the outbreak, the

share price of the big drug

companies is rocketing. With any

luck, we could have a disease-led

economic recovery! Pirates -

pirates, the pesky po Sallys with

the -- Somalis with their

cruiseships. Six of them tried to

beat back people, but they were

beat bin passengers trying to throw

their jack chairs. I think I know

how we can win on the defence

budget! Happily, the passengers

escaped with their lives and the

pirates scored a lovely new outdoor

setting! Sure, we can be sad Somali

teenagers are turning to piracy.

All we can think of is someone's

World Vision sponsor child, finally

living their dream! "I'm a pirate!"

S o, sama, -- Osama, according to

the President of Pakistan. Osama

could be dead. Apparently he was

playing with some pigs. There are

reports he died of natural causes.

Wow, we really showed him! But it's

nothing to celebrate. Osama is like

Obi one, in death, you just become

stronger. Plus - if he's dead, al-

Qaeda could fall into the hands of

extremists. US officials say they

have no trails of bin Laden and

believe he's in Pakistan. I have no

trace of Big Foot and believe he's

in Paris. It's easy, isn't it! It's

easy. So, bin Laden is either dead

or it's just really easy to escape

the entire world's combined

intelligence networks when you're a

52-year-old diabetic hooked up to a

dialysis machine in one of the

poorest countries on the planet.

Guess which one the CIA is hoping

for? And that's the good news!

Thank you, good evening. Tonight,

back in her home trough, Mikey

Robbins! The big folky voice of

Australian netball, Liz Ellis. And

one of the international stars of

the Sydney Comedy Festival, our old

mate from the mother land, John

Moloney. And, the rolling in the

mud with the naughty kitten, Claire

Hooper. Another jet-setting star of

the comedy festival and officially

crowned as Montreal's best stand-up,

Sugar Sammy! And a smiling assasin,

Corinne Grant! Can I just say, I

think pork swordsman, of the pork

sword is the funniest thing ever. I

just think it's great. I only heard

it last year. What, pork sword? The

pork sword, it's fantastic. OK, I

really want that as my ringtone!

John, how are you? I'm fine thank

you. Lovely to be here. And I'm

just a little bit, you know...

Because last week I genuinely got

mistaken for a lesbian! Yeah,

thanks! Because I noticed that that

was more perceptive of what the

audience was thinking - oh my God,

KD Lang has let herself go! But the

funniest thing I heard to do with

the pork sauce. One of the acronym

things, BOBFYC, you see something

beautiful, and they're beautiful.

It's known as Body Off Baywatch,

Face off Crime Watch! And sugar

Sammy, your first time object on

the show. Yeah, first time on the

show. First time in Australia? Not

first time in Australia, been here

a couple of times. But been here

for a week and visiting all of the

cool little places. Oh, where are

they? We have cool places, that's

shock. I know, I just came back

from Penrith, that was awesome!

Penrith. You need to warn your

foreigners about places like that.

Not a lot of coloured places in

Penrith. But I went to Parramatta,

that's my joint, man. Actually, it

is not Parramatta, it is Paris-

matta, for those of us. I noticed

that you said Penrith correctly,

with a F and not a TH. That's

because I can read. I know that

this is slightly off the topic of

suburb, you have got beautiful

hair! Oh man, that is one wow.

Thanks, buddy. You're like the best

looking thunder bird puppet ever!

It's getting nasty. It's getting

nasty. I'm just jealous. Back in

your... Cage! Your name, Sugar

Sammy, it's unusual. Yeah, well my

real name, I'm of Indian origin, my

real time is Samir Kular. And my

stage name was Sugar Sammy. My

parents say - you know, we didn't

mind when you called your name Sam.

"But then you put an ingredient in

it, and it is not an Indian

ingredient. You would have put in

turmeric, or saffron. But sugar -

and you know India people are prone

to diabetes, and it's right you're

killing us every day." Well, I want

to keep talking but it looks like

weefbl' got to start. We call the

first thing - what's the story? Can

you dive in? That's Eamon Sullivan.

Yeah, fine bit of a man. Nice bit

of male bonding. Swimming fast.

Looks like at the's been chased by

a black lion. Well, that's Elaine

Bernard who is a French swimmer,

who broke recently Eamon Sullivan's

100m freestyle. Which you've gone

close to in your time. Except when

I jump in the water, I tend to get

harpooned! There's a lesbian whale

over there! Yeah, Moby Dickless! I

was more leaning towards Mob y! I

apologise, that won't be in the

show. And of course, the vegetables

have been breaking all sorts of

records. Mostly because they have

German swimmers behind them. Make

them go faster. The other problem

is the body suit: And the flippers!

And what he had coming out of his

arse. But that's fine, but

apparently, like the Australian swimmers and the Australian press

are saying, obviously they must be

cheating. Or wearing body suits

that have something wrong with them.

I think it's perhaps because the

body suit was red, and red actually

does go faster. But also, it's un-

Australian to break our records! I

think swimming Australia is being a

little bit whingy overhingy over

little bit whingy over this. Now

I've said it, now I'm going to get

beaten up by Thorpey! Oh, that's my

dream. They have it, ladies and

gentlemen. Ten points! The great

sport of swimming is in crisis with

world records tumbling to

world records tumbling to Frenchmen wearing illegal floatation- wearing illearing ille

enhancing swim suits. One Frenchman

not only broke the world record,

but also the sound barrier and the

speed of light. Unfortunately, this

man arrived at the finat the fin man arrived at the finish

man arrived at the finish before

the race started and he was immediately disqualified. I y

Personally, I reckon all swim suits

should be banned from competition.

There - birthday suitshday suits There - birthday suits! The

birthday suit. Not onlt. Not onl

birthday suit. Not only is the

bit streamlined and skin tigh birthday suit streamlined and skin

tight, but the blokes come with tight, but the blokes come with a

natural keel. Forget suits that

help you float, we need to make our

swimmers out of the same stuff swimmers outimmers out swimmers out of

swimmers out of the same stuff as swimmers outimmers outme stuff as

Jesus! So, they had floating Jesus! So, tsus! So, t

Jesus! So, they had floating suits?

That's kind at's kind e French That's kind of like the

That's kind of like the French

wearing floaties in the swim pool. weties in thties in thl. I've

I've left floaties in the swimming

pool! Claire, Sammy and Corinne. Oh, pool! Claire, Sammy and Corinne.d Co

hello. The turn style, boxing, hello. The turn style, boxing, not

so well. NSW, the Sydney Children's

so well. NSW well. NSWey Children's Hospital. And what? What that's

right. Get them. Just for Sammy,

Arthur Tunstull is what, would you

call him? A sports commentator?

More like an administrator. He

looked like the emporer to me. He

said controversial things about

Cathy Freeman a few years ago at

the Olympics. And we have that and

kids hitting each other. And And

the woman from the Children's the woman from the Chiom the Chi

Hospital. I'm assuming saying "Kids

shouldn't hit each other." I don't

lip read very well, but I say sume lip read very well, but I say sume

that what she's saying. And what is

Arthur saying? Oh, lovely Arthur saying? Oh, lovely bananas!

Oh, lovely things. Actually, I've

never heard him make that much

sense! They look like - they sense! They look like - they didn't

look white. Why is that racist,

chill out, man! White people are

like - oh my God, did he say,

white! But Tunstull. I thought,

maybe it felt like it was... An maybe it felt like it t like it

inter-racial cage match. Yeah, inter-racial cage match. Yeah, for

an arranged marriage with that

doctor! I'm going to throw it over

to Mikey. A community group in the

western suburbs of Sydney,

predominantly Muslim. It is one

specific small incident, but they

did sort of put some boxing gloves

on kids and have a junior and mini

fight club and the kids wailed on

each other and then wailed and had

a nap. Sna I was outraged at this

because it was little boys fighting

against each other. And for so many

reasons, but the main reason is

because I didn't see any girls

getting in there able to do it with

pink gloves. Little girls should be

allowed to fight. They fight dirty,

little girls. Put them in a room

with one fairy costume. They're

gone. If there's sprinkles in the

room, only one of them is coming

out alive. I think it is unfair

that you say that only girls that you say that only girls would

fight over a fairy costume. What

about all of the young 3-year-old

boys who would have fought over it.

It caused a whole bunch of

controversy this week. First of all,

talking about baby fighting. They

have it, they have it, five for

themment got to move on. There's

been shock horror, outrage and

tears over an amateur boking in

Sydney involving boys as young as 4. Sydney involving boys as young as 4.

At least both boys wearing mouth

guards. OK, technically they were

dummies, but they did the same job!

This is deplorable. If we were kids,

combining natural ability breaking

into houses through cat flaps, they

would be unstoppable.

So, after one punch drunk week, the

Robbins on 4 and the Hooper on 5. GOOD EVENING, THE A-C-T GOVERNMENT, IS INCREASING MATERNITY LEAVE TO 18 WEEKS FOR PUBLIC SERVANTS, AS PART OF A PRE-BUDGET ANNOUNCEMENT. TWO WOMEN, HAD TO BE CUT FREE FROM THEIR CARS LAST NIGHT, AFTER A HEAD ON CRASH, IN KALEEN, BOTH WERE TAKEN TO HOSPITAL WITH SERIOUS INJURIES. TO SPORT, AND THE BRUMBIES, RECORDED A WIN AGAINST THE

QUEENSLAND REDS ON SATURDAY NIGHT. MOSTLY SUNNY FOR GUNDAROO TOMORROW. (GOODNIGHT) (GOODNIGHT)

AMP is not only Australia's number one for super...

We were also the first Australian company granted the licence to trade on the China A-share market. And now we're introducing AMP First - VOICEOVER: To find out more, visit amp.com.au Discover a new recipe for delicious skin. The calming sensation of cherry blossom in a rich, creamy formula.

Serve it generously. New Palmolive Naturals Cherry Blossom Shower Milk - the recipe for delicious skin.

VOICEOVER: Every cup of coffee sold at McDonald's and McCafe is made with 100% Rainforest Alliance Certified coffee beans. The Rainforest Alliance makes sure the beans are grown in a more sustainable way and conditions are better for workers and their families. It's helping to ensure a future for the rainforest, for coffee farmers and for the children. And the coffee is better. So everyone wins. This program proudly brought to you by the all-new Fiesta by Ford. This is now.

During the break, a strange but

true story. They have energy. I see.

I see. We combine the joke shop,

you idiots. We also have a hole. It's Penrith.

And this. Spam, spam, spam, spam.

Beautiful spam. Mr Moloney. And

Hooper, Sammy and Grant got. Now

I'm genuinely getting a semi. We

also have flowers. Sticks. That's also have flowers. Sticks. That's

the kind of big bunch of flowers I

normally get. I'm single. Wow, the

show just became 'RSVP'. And this.

Give me a ham. Shining, gleaming,

great ham. Everywhere, that is there.

More of that stuff a little later.

Right now, the game called Warren.

You people have been running around

a park or something today? Three

headlines about the same subject

but its identity has been

delightfully concealed.

delightfully concealed. Please. Get

up. Just working hard now. Liz, we

have for you. Scruffy Warren can

still raise a smile. Warren's

Russian goals. He goes public with

a celebrity dater. Who is Warren? I

thought it might have been Dannii

Minogue. She's very rarely scruffy.

And she's not really a Russian doll.

You can't cut her in half. You can

peel back some layers. Hey, hey,

hey... How can you make fun of a

lesser Minogue? But I think it

might be Mel Gibson. That would

make sense. Mel Gibson? He's

looking a bit scruffy, despite the

fact he's allegedly shagging 5,000

who are Russian, maybe four or five.

Good on him if he can get it. I

love your attitude. Great when you

hear such an enlightened attitude from a lady.

from a lady. Can I watch? I'm done.

He's gone public with a sinning

serial celebrity dater. I --

singing serial celebrity dater. Was

looking at him with his new girl

and she looks creepily like Octomun.

Let's hope she doesn't pop out

eight little Mels. Let's have a

look and see if Liz is right. Mel

Gibson is creating his own Catholic

Church by fathering everyone. He

would have used a condom, that

would be wrong. I'm reminded of a

parable here. I'm figuring that

he's dating Russians because that's

the only nationality who wouldn't

notice he's completely pissed all

the time. Yeah, I like that. Do you

know why Jesus Christ was crucified

and not stoned to death? So

Christians go, instead of.

Corinne, you have? It could be Mel

Gibson as well. Time is up for

Warren? Mel Gibson as well. He

could rapidly fall off the perch. I

thought this was Microsoft because

IBMs are always stuffing up. Now

I'm thinking perch, I'm going

Twitter. There was a story,

surprisingly - Everyone over there

thinking. We don't often get a

supportive hum from the audience.

I'm going to go Twitter, because

Twitter recently, something like

40% of its users have just gone,

"That's right, I've gut a life." "-

- got a life." I just breathed some

air. Why doesn't anybody love me.

Did we get the points? I need to send it in.

Let's find out if Corinne is

correct?.

It is Twitter, the PM has decided

to get down with the young people

and enter the world of Twitter.

Critics saiz his online persona

could -- say his online per sona

could be less interesting than the

real one. A bit more who do you

have to screw around here to get a

bit of chicken? New media experts

say while his Tweets lack

personality, it's probably for the

best given his personality. The

good news is it's all a big mistake.

Kevin Rudd was meant to be on

Twatter. Twatface. I tell you who

does a good Twitter, Christopher

Walkin. He spends his life talking

to no-one. He's also on YouTube

cooking a chicken for no reason.

It's called Man Cooks a Chicken. I

want to marry him. 20 points over

there. 30 points. Up next, let's go.

YOU GOT A MINUTE? "DON'T SHOOT!" WHERE'D YOU GET THE GUN?

Hungry Jack's believes everyone should get the same stunning value for just $4.95 at every store. Yeah! $4.95. It's stunning value for every Australian.

(BIRDS CHIRP, DOG BARKS AND GROWLS) (BARKING AND GROWLING) At St. George, we believe no two customers are the same. That's why our mobile lenders take the time to get to know you. Then they can help find the best solution for you. Visit us, or our mobile lenders can come to you. Apply today for an extra low rate on our basic home loan and $0 standard establishment fee.

(GROWLING AND BARKING) (BOTH SCREAM) St. George - good with people, good with money.

This is the group activity known as

Seven Things for the Bin. We want

our friend to suggest some things.

Anything that's pissing them off.

Mr Robbins? Fashion Week. Good on

'em. What really bugs me is the

news every night, they run stories

on Fashion Week. No, it's not. It's

the only way they can get nipples

on before 9:30 at night. Thank you.

I was flicking between all

commercial channels during Fashion

Week and I counted 24 nips and 34

side boobs. -- 37 side boobs. They

walk angry and it makes the boobs

look angry. There's nothing sexy about it.

Fashion Week reporting in the bin.

Shut-up. I'll add to that as well.

I'm speaking of Fashion Week

reporting, I'm sick of everyone

going, "The poor models are making

the shoes too high. They keep pulling over."

pulling over." Watching some tiny

little girl teeter around this and

flip off the end of a catwalk,

that's the only reason we watch.

Can I say that I hate celeb rtdy

pregnancies. The fact I'm reading -

- celebrity pregnancies. The fact

that Sarah Jessica Parker and

Ferris Bueller are having twins and

it's by surrogate. I've been

married for 10 years and I've

always been asked, "When are you

having children? Don't leave it too

late." I might be finding out who

they're using for their next one.

Celebrity children. Shoot. Shoot.

That's a netball bining. Octomun -

so sick of her. Does anyone care

about her -- Octomum - so sick of

her. Does anyone care? I want to

see her in a bikini. She came home

with half of her brood. Call them a

litter. Half of them and as she

drove in the driveway, got drove in theove in the got all drove in the driveway, got all

upset because there were papparazzi

hanging around the front. Yeah. You

sold your story. You know how they

were able to film at the front,

because she had 'Entertainment

Tonight' in the car. And got out of

the car and slammed the door in to

her vagina. Thank God someone

closed that door. John, is there

anything you'd like to throw in the

bin? The thing where I'm from in

the UK is they're obsessed,

especially over the last couple of

months, of reinventing the marriage

between PRINCE CHARLES AND THAT

BLOKE. XPBS PRINCE Prince Charles

and that bloke. What kind of

confuses me about it is he was

married to Diana. And his mistress

was Camilla. Now, generally, your

mistress is meant to be better-

looking than your wife. You're

meant to wake up one morning and think,

think, "A pig in knickers." Now

that he's married to Camilla, how

ugly must his present mistress be?

This is my concern. You can see it

because he'll be at some dinner

party and say, "This is my histress.

-- mistress. More wine, darling?"

Royalty, in the bin. Sammy? I'm

sick of people still talking about

'Slumdog Millionaire'. We know, we

cleaned up the Oscars. My people

have done it. Stop it. White folks

are the first ones. You've got to

find the first Indian you can get

your hands on, tell 'em you watched

it. You go to the Indian

restaurants - I just had chicken

curry." stop it, we don't do that

to you. We don't have Indian guys

calling you up, "Hey, brd, I just

watched 'Home and -- Brad, I just

watched 'Home and Away'. We're done

with it. We know. We've won. We

knewe're better than you. Our

family - we like Indian. When you

talk - You hear what I'm saying. I

feel I have some reassurance from

you. I'm sitting in the doctor's

office and I feel happy again. Hope

it wasn't a gynecologist. Oh, dear.

Dear, dear. Do you think the

gynecologist does that? It's a good

thing. He has cold and pointy

things to do that for.

The Ped Egg. Oh, the Ped Egg. I'm

tired of ads for it. You know the

Ped Egg? Women with an egg, shave

their heel and show you the

Parmesan cheese of their body. And

put it on a table or something.

Their shaverings from an egg. An

egg, a symbol of purity and life

with their filthy, dead heel cells

in it. I hate the Ped Egg. They get

you hot and a bit horny with the

naked ladies dancing around and out

comes the Ped Egg. I'm over it. I'm

over it. In the bin! Those late

night ads, you wait for the

hydroponic growing lettuce. Do you

think anyone's growing lettuce on

that? Now I know why it took you

five years to develop it. Anything

else for the bin? I was watching 'Bondi Vet'. We

'Bondi Vet'. We all do. There was a

kitten on it who took an overdose

of paracetamol. You know the

recession is bad when it's

affecting kittens. What kind of

worries me about the obsession with

an smlz the same as where I'm from, an smlz the same as where I'm from,

where three times the money goes to

animal charities than children's

charities. If you go to your local

dog pounds to get yourself a used

dog - LAUGHTER It's a second-hand

dog. The RSPCA have the right to

check your house to see if it's big

enough for the dog. If it isn't big

enough, they take the dog away but

they leave you there. Bloody dog

charities. Stop them. That 'Bondi

Vet', I'm going to get one and run

over to the vet. Anyone else want

to throw anything else? I've had

enough - how can I resolve this?

everyone. That was beyond perfect. Points for

and your mobile phone - VOICEOVER: Your home phone they're just so good together, from TransACT, because with a HomeMOBILE Cap Plan you'll have the flexibility your home phone and your mobile. of sharing the credit between line rental again. And you'll never pay of being with TransACT, Plus you'll love all the benefits to other TransACT customers. like free local calls The HomeMOBILE Cap Plan. It's a match made in heaven. to find a plan that suits you. Call TransACT today

PLAYS DREAMY, SEDUCTIVE LOUNGE MUSIC

Cheers, mate, Damo. Oh, Damo, you shouldn't have.

Well done. It's about time you did, though. Deluxe Cheeseburger for just $1.95, Treat your mates to a delicious new Value Picks menu. part of McDonald's Macca's makes it easy.

This is the surprisingly noisy mind

section. John Moloney, you're up

first. Let's get to it.

John Moloney, your time starts now.

I've got a lovely joke to tell you I've got a lovely joke to tell you

before my time starts. This bank

robber runs in to a bank, shoots in

to the ceiling, everybody hits the

floor. In all the kerfuffel, he

realised his balaclava slipped. He

said to the first guy, "Did you see

my face?" He said, "Yes, I did." he

shoots him dead. He says to the

next guy, "Did you see my face?"

"No, I didn't. The wife did."

That's gold. Now to the mime.

Computer, type writer. Computer

nerd. Computer. Someone complaining.

Personal trainer. Blowing something

up. Blowing something up. A samurai.

So there's a personal training

thing on the net. Yes. Terrorist.

Terrorists. 1, 2, 3. All 72 of them.

OK. A fitness thing for terrorists.

They get the program on the

Internet. You've got it. CHEERING

AND APPLAUSE The scores are looking

impressive now. 95 for you. 31. I

don't know how it happened. If

you're an extremist who is too fat

to wage holy war, you need to read

Jihad Recollections. An online

magazine full of workout tips for

magazine full of workout tips for

terrorists. It takes a real man to

satisfy 72 virgins. They are warned

about showing off in the gym

because nothing is better than

walking on to a bus, with a bomb

points. and saying, "Pull my finger." 64

get to decide? This is worth 100 points. Do you

You good? Yeah. You're a tightrope

walker. Holding a pole or a couple

of oraches. A tightwire. Up in the

air -- oranges. A tightwire. Up in

the air. Yes, they are up in the

air. Someone falls off a highwire

and wearing Nike shoes. Sprained

his ankle. Yeah. OK. He's on the

ground. He's a clown. A clown. With

clown shoes. He's got big clown

shoes on his feet. A policeman. Yes.

Annuals. Policeman. Somebody of

authority. -thority. -

authority. -- ambulance. Policeman.

Somebody of authority. Someone with

a whistle turned up. I feel lime

I'm on 'Play School'. -- like I'm

on 'Play School'. A very toffee

kind of bloke. Ringmaster. The

Queen. A duke or an earl. The Queen

in drag. She has a top hat on.

Could you be trying to mime the UK?

I think I've got it. The UK health

authority have banned clowns from

wearing their big shoes when doing the tightroping.

Sadly, I can't allow it because I

didn't say, "Your time starts now."

It was worth 100 points. Sadly,

disqualified. Health and safety

regulations in Britain are out of

control after a clown was told he

had to sop wearing his size 18

comedy shoes because they were a

safety risk. The ban was imposed

because he fell off a tightrope and

broke his foot. A tiny ambulance

full of emergency clowns arrived

and proceeded to drive through a

ring of fire and throw knives at

him. Now all clowns must wear smart,

casual clothes and sensible

footwear. And start acting like

grown-ups. Stilts must be no higher

than regular shoes and all

unicycles should have two wheels.

And the lion tamer will have to

wave bean bags now at children. You

can see what they've done to the

trapeze act. The flying people now

run around on the ground carrying

sticks over their heads going,

"Whooosh." 95 points. 31 points.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) I just can't decide. (MUSIC STOPS) WOMAN: You don't have to. Get our new All Stars Box. VOICEOVER: With Original Recipe, Popcorn Chicken, a Crispy Strip, Wicked Wings and sides, the choice is easy.

KFC's All Stars Box.

(UPBEAT MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC)

financial health check - Come in for a free and it could save you money. just 10 minutes

Time for the strange but true

climax. You had the energy. I would

like you as a standard fitting in

my home. We also have a hole. A

hole. A hole. And, finally, this

haunting refrain. Spam, spam, spam,

spam, spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam.

Beautiful spam. Beautiful spam.

There's a hole in the ozone layer.

I doubt it's shaped like this. Oh,

there's a hole. It's beeped, isn't

it? What it is, I think there's so

much spam in terms of the computer

energy networking now. Or pork.

Because Mikey's a pork swordsman.

He certainly is. And we've brought

it back to that. You know the ad.

it back to that. You know the ad.

The amount of energy spam is

creating, a tiny bit of a gram when

everyone gets a spam email. And

it's beginning to hit the ozone

layer more than cows are farting. I

was thinking there's been a recent

report that shows one of the

biggest contributors to greenhouse

gases and carbon emission is

processed meat. Basically, if we

could get our meat from the hoof,

by having a cow in the backyard.

How much meat is on the hoof?

Scrape it off with the Ped Egg. I

think you're right. I think John's

right. It's more about sending

Internet spam. John. I've taken

over the captaincy. But I think

you're wrong. In that case, I'm

going with John. OK. Identical be

staying with Mike. Want to add

anything to that? We'll go the

other way, just in case. -- I'll be

staying with Mike. Want to add

anything to that? We'll go the

other way, just in case. These two

have it. Spam emails are not just

endlessly annoying, they're

damaging the planet. When our

children look up and ask us why all

the animals have died, we'll be

able to say, "So Daddy could stay

rock hard for Mummy." Each year the rock hard for Mummy." Each year the

transmission of spam uses enough

energy to power 2.4 million of

homes F. That energy could be

tapped, we could have spam-powered

fridges, TV and can openers. You

could use spam to open a can of

spam. The emissions are equivalent

to the output of 3.1 million cars,

even more reason to slowly roast even more reason to slowly roast

spams on a spit, while jabbing them

in the eye with our enormous

penises. You had the mouse. Yes. penises. You had the mouse. Yes.

How do you make that noise? I just

press the nose. Do it again. We

also had the flowers. Or stems.

You're pulling a disappointed

auntie face there. And, finally,

this. Give me a head with beautiful

hair. Shining, gleaming, beautiful.

Slow it. Grow it. As long as God

can grow it. My hair.

I'm going stem cells as opposed to

anything else. Look at me thinking

laterally. That's it for tonight. I

have a theory. I think scientists

are probably using stem cell

research to grow hair on mice. Like

roley long, hippy mouse hair. The

hair would be mousy coloured. You

can't have it. They need to grow

really long hair because the mouse

is feeling self-conscious about the

big ear on its back. Something to big ear on its back. Something to

cover it with. Is that right?

That's my first joke as well.

Slow them down! In Japan, Slow them down! In Japan,

scientists using embryonic stem

cells have succeeded in

regenerating hair on mice. This is

great news for the mouse with an

ear growingen its back. -- growing

on its back. Now it has to be a

comb over so it doesn't look so freaky. Minus 10 points.

Every muchally, the research will

be applied to huepens. If the hairy

mice can be trained, bald men will

be able to wear them instead of

wigs. Nothing looks more handsome

than a man with long, flying mice.

You only need to feed your wig once

a day and regularly comb out the

poo. I like the imagery. And for poo. I like the imagery. And for

those who prefer a simple approach

for curing baldness, Susan Boyle

has offered to donate a portion of

her eyebrows. Sorry. It will bring

the rat's tail back. I'm amazed a

big hairy Mickey. Mickey Mouse. I

don't know where I went for a big

hairy Mickey, but I went somewhere else. Stay tuned.

Imagine if technology hadn't evolved. How would you watch TV on the move? Or work outside the office?

How would you keep in touch with friends? How would you find your way around overseas? And buy a pint in London? Now you can go where EFTPOS can't, with Visa Debit. It's your money. Online, over the phone and overseas, more people go with Visa Debit. MAN: These pure waters are special. Something goes in there, it comes out different. 'Cause this water just makes things better.

YOU GOT A MINUTE? "DON'T SHOOT!" WHERE'D YOU GET THE GUN? This is now.

Time to piss off Peter Costello

with fast money. When police raided

an apartment, they arrested one man

and found another hiding in the

fridge. What did the second man say

when they asked him what he was

doing? They said, s this a

Westinghouse, because I'm just

westing. He actually said, and I

reckon good on him - "chilling".

Two points. Well on the way to that

80-point difference. A man got a

bit carried away in England as he

tried to kill a spider. What

happened? He shot it. Close. He

tried to use a cigarette lighter to

burn it and burnt down half his

house. Did he do the hair spray

one? I've done it. Spray them with

hair spray first, then they can't

move and you can whack them without

having to chase them around the

house. I was more like a hair spray

with the lighter. You just get

better and better and better. OK.

Four 80 points, British Columbi

arbs, a policeman had to

investigate a couple having sex, he

heard strange noises. Where were

they? In the parking lot. Might

need a little more information?

Always said you had lovely eyes.

That's 40 points. Definitely

closing the gap now. Anybody? Were

they in the boot? In the glove box. they in the boot? In the glove box.

80 points. Thank you very much. In

the dumpster. That girl's on our

team. Where do you want to throw

your points? Thank you.

In China, this is for anyone,

except you - a farmer couldn't wurb

out why his chickens weren't laying

so many eggs. What did he discover?

The chicken had two bumb holes. Yep.

I was just being childish. One of

his hens has two bottoms. Does it

have four legs? No, I think they'd

mention if it had four legs. It

wouldn't have been caught in the

first place if it had four legs. It

would be like having a semi-

automatic chicken. It keeps laying

twice as many eggs because it has

two holes. "Two eggs. How does that

happen? Oh, my God." Eggs don't

come out your bumb hole. How would

you miss this? They have the one

hole. Everyone knows that. Did you

ever notice the shit on the egg?

Give that nice clean one back! Give

that to the farmerch that will

teach him. She thought it was a

police album of the '80s. I just

thought it was a silly word for a

hole. A combined bumbhole, wee hole.

Everything. I'm never, ever eating

eggs again.

It's a kind of vaganis.

We have got to get the 'Bondi Vet'

on. Mikey Robbins, Liz and John

scored a sniffly 105 points. Wiping

out Claire, Sugar and Corinne on 104 points.

That was amazing. The website for

the pod cast. The speeches and a

new fun series. Oh. Ahh. Put the

testicles away, Mel Gibson and

leave you with the good news ahead.

Malcolm Turnbull will be at the

National Press Club in Canberra and

I'll be somewhere else. The winner I'll be somewhere else. The winner

of Tidy Towns will be announced -

it's Christmas Island again. it's Christmas Island again.

Saturday is Buddha day. Have a

Buddha day to you. Have a -- happy

Buddha day to you. Happy Buddha day

dear Buddhists, happy Buddha day to

you. In Sydney, the tribute dinner

for Brendan Nelson will go badly

wrong when it turns out he's not

dead at all. I give up. Supertext

Captions by Red Bee Media Australia. Www.redbeemedia.com.au.

WHO ARE YOU? CASTIEL. I'M AN ANGEL OF THE LORD. THE SYMBOL YOU SAW -- IT'S CALLED "THE RISING OF THE WITNESSES." IT FIGURES INTO AN ANCIENT PROPHECY. WHAT BOOK IS THAT PROPHECY FROM? REVELATIONS. THIS IS A SIGN, BOYS. Sam: A SIGN OF WHAT? THE APOCALYPSE. THOSE SEALS ARE BEING BROKEN BY LILITH. I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU ANYMORE. ( CRACK )

THINK OF THE SEALS AS LOCKS ON A DOOR. OKAY, THE LAST ONE OPENS AND... LUCIFER WALKS FREE. TELL ME ABOUT THOSE MONTHS WITHOUT YOUR BROTHER, ABOUT ALL THE THINGS YOU AND THIS DEMON BITCH DO IN THE DARK. Dean: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW FAR OFF THE RESERVATION YOU'VE GONE? HOW FAR FROM NORMAL? FROM HUMAN? CAS SAID THAT IF I DON'T STOP YOU, HE WILL. IS ONE OF THE 66 SEALS. Castiel: THE RAISING OF SAMHAIN THE BREAKING OF THE SEAL MUST BE PREVENTED AT ALL COSTS. ( GRUNTS )

Uriel: YOU WERE TOLD NOT TO USE YOUR ABILITIES. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? WHAT WAS SUPPO E TO DO? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, SAM WINCHESTER, IS BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN USEFUL. THE SECOND YOU BECOME MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU'RE WORTH, THEN I WILL TURN YOU TO DUST. AS FOR YOUR BROTHER, TELL HIM THAT MAYBE HE SHOULD CLIMB OFF THAT HIGH HORSE OF HIS. ASK DEAN WHAT HE REMEMBERS FROM HELL. ( SCREAMING ) ( THUNDER CRASHES ) ( BIRD CAWING ) Woman: ANNA? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?

YOU'RE AT THE CONNOR BEVERLY BEHAVIORAL MEDICINE CENTER. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE? DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID? YOU WERE HYSTERICAL. IT TOOK FOUR PEOPLE TO RESTRAIN YOU. I... I WAS TRYING TO WARN THEM. WARN WHO? EVERYONE. FORGET IT. IT WAS STUPID. WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO WARN THEM ABOUT? LOOK... I GET IT. YOU THINK I'M NUTS.

IF I WERE YOU, I'D THINK I WAS NUTS. BUT IT'S ALL TRUE. IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN TELL ME. I'M HERE TO LISTEN. ( INHALES SHARPLY ) THE END... IS COMING.

THE APOCALYPSE. LIKE IN THE BIBLE? KIND OF. I MEAN, SAME BOTTOM LINE.

THIS DEMON, LILITH, IS TRYING TO BREAK THE 66 SEALS TO FREE LUCIFER FROM HELL. LUCIFER... WILL BRING THE APOCALYPSE. SO...

SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM. ( INDISTINCT WHISPERING ) ANNA? SORRY. WHAT WERE YOU DOING? NOTHING. JUST LISTENING. SO, YOU WERE SAYING THAT THERE ARE, UH, 66 OF THESE SEALS IN THE WORLD? NO. NO. THERE ARE ABOUT 600 POSSIBLE SEALS, AND LILITH ONLY HAS TO BREAK 66 OF THEM, AND NO ONE KNOWS WHICH 66 SHE'S GONNA BREAK. I SEE. IMPOSSIBLE TO STOP HER.

THAT'S WHY IT'S NEARLY AND THAT'S WHY THE ANGELS ARE LOSING. THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. TIME FOR YOUR MEDS, ANNA. ( GASPS ) WHAT'S THE MATTER, SWEETIE? YOUR FACE -- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?! I KNOW. I'M DOWNRIGHT KISSABLE. Shh. Headlining Ten News tonight - Australia's global warming plan backflip.

A club used as a firefighter's base during the Victorian bushfires

destroyed.

And how Gretel copped it when celebrities turned nasty at the Logies. Join me for Ten's Late News. In Sports Tonight - victory for Valentino plus plenty of pain in Spain.

BRIAN, COME ON, MAN, JUST ONE MORE. JUST -- JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE TO WIN IT BACK. IT'S YOUR CASH. EXCUSE ME. MY BROTHER'S A LITTLE SAUCED TO BE MAKING BETS. HEY. HE INSISTED. YEAH, BUT YOU'VE ALREADY TAKEN, WHAT, TWO BILLS OFF HIM? I'M JUST SAYING. HEY, SHUT UP, DEAN. I'M FINE. NO, YOU'RE NOT FINE. YOU'RE DRUNK! LET'S MAKE IT $500. $500? SURE. $500. YOUR BREAK. # BLUES # # BLUES # # THEY AIN'T JUST FOR... # # BLUES # KEEP THE MONEY. KEEP THE MONEY? WHAT -- # BUT IF I GET YOU OUT MY MIND... # Sam: HEY. Sam: HEY. WELL, YOU GOT A LOT OF NERVE SHOWING UP ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I JUST HAVE SOME INFO, AND THEN I'M GONE. WHAT IS IT? I'M HEARING A FEW WHISPERS. OOH, GREAT, DEMON WHISPERS -- THAT'S RELIABLE.

GIRL NAMED ANNA MILTON ESCAPED FROM A LOCKED WARD YESTERDAY. THE DEMONS SEEM PRETTY KEEN ON FINDING HER. APPARENTLY, SOME REAL HEAVY HITTERS TURNED OUT FOR THE EASTER-EGG HUNT. WHY? WHO IS SHE? NO IDEA. BUT I'M THINKING THAT SHE'S IMPORTANT, 'CAUSE THE ORDER IS TO CAPTURE HER ALIVE. I JUST FIGURED THAT WHATEVER THE DEAL IS, YOU MIGHT WANT TO FIND THIS GIRL BEFORE THE DEMONS DO. LOOK, MAYBE WE SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. ACTUALLY, WE'RE WORKING A CASE, BUT THANKS. WHAT CASE? UH, WE'VE GOT LEADS, BIG LEADS. SOUNDS DANGEROUS. YEAH, WELL, IT SURE AIN'T GOOSECHASING AFTER SOME CHICK WHO, FOR ALL WE KNOW, DOESN'T EVEN EXIST, JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY SHE'S IMPORTANT. I'M JUST DELIVERING THE NEWS. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH IT. FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, I TOLD YOU, I'M DONE. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. THIS HOSPITAL ANNA ESCAPED FROM -- IT GOT A NAME? ( ENGINE REVVING ) CAN I GET A COPY OF THE MISSING-PERSONS REPORT?

GREAT. OKAY. THANKS. ( BEEP ) WELL, ANNA MILTON'S DEFINITELY REAL. DON'T MEAN THE CASE IS REAL. AND THIS HOSPITAL'S A THREE-DAY DRIVE. WE'VE DRIVEN FURTHER FOR LESS, DEAN. YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT. YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT. OH, I'M SAYING IT -- THIS SUCKS. YOU'RE NOT PISSED WE'RE GOING AFTER THE GIRL. YOU'RE PISSED RUBY THREW US THE TIP. RIGHT. 'CAUSE AS FAR AS YOU'RE CONCERNED, THE HELL-BITCH IS PRACTICALLY FAMILY. YEAH, BOY, SOMETHING MAJOR MUST'VE HAPPENED WHILE I DOWNSTAIRS, 'CAUSE I COME BACK, AND -- AND YOU'RE BFF WITH A DEMON? I TOLD YOU, DEAN, SHE HELPED ME GO AFTER LILITH. WELL, THANKS FOR THE THUMBNAIL -- REAL VIVID. YOU WANT TO FILL IN A LITTLE DETAIL? SURE, DEAN, LET'S TRADE STORIES. YOU FIRST. HOW WAS HELL? DON'T SPARE THE DETAILS. ( THUNDER RUMBLES ) ( BREAT ING HE VILY ) ( BREATHING HEAVILY ) ( BREATHING HEAVILY ) COME ON! COME ON! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! I WAS WONDERING WHETHER TO COME OR NOT. I WAS WONDERING WHETHER TO COME OR NOT. I MEAN, YOU SHOT ONE OF MY CO-WORKERS. DON'T TAKE THIS DON'T TAKE T IS DON'T TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, SAM, BUT YOU DON'T LOOK SO HOT, BUDDY. I GUESS BURYING YOUR BROTHER DIDN'T AGREE WITH YOU. WELL... WELL, LET'S SEE THAT SPECIAL LITTLE KNIFE OF YOURS FIRST. NO DEVIL'S TRAPS, EITHER. I'M NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES. WELL, LET ME GUESS. YOU WANT TO MAKE A DEAL. AND 'ROUND AND 'ROUND THE WINCHESTERS GO. I'M SORRY, SAM. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. ( GRUNTS ) DON'T WANT 10 E RS. I DON'T WANT 10 YEARS. I DON'T WANT ONE YEAR. I DON'T WANT CANDY! I WANT TO TRADE PLACES WITH DEAN. NO. JUST TAKE ME! IT'S A FAIR TRADE!

NO! WHY NOT? LILITH WANTS ME DEAD. JUST LET DEAN GO, AND SHE CAN HAVE ME. DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND, SAM? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR SOUL. DEAN'S IN HELL, RIGHT WHERE WE WANT HIM. WE'VE GOT EVERYTHING EXACTLY THE WAY WE WANT IT. YOU WANT TO KILL ME?! GO AHEAD. I'VE MADE PEACE WITH MY LORD. ( THUNDER RUMBLING ) WOMAN: OF COURSE. I WANNA HELP HOWEVER I CAN. NOW, THE ORDERLY HAS NO RECOLLECTION OF ANNA'S ESCAPE? APPARENTLY, SHE KNOCKED HIM UNCONSCIOUS. THE BLOW CAUSED SOME AMNESIA.

HE DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER COMING INTO HER ROOM. THAT'S A HELL OF A RIGHT HOOK TO KNOCK OUT A GUY THAT'S GOT 80 POUNDS ON HER. WE THINK SHE MAY HAVE PLANNED THIS, WAITED BEHIND THE DOOR. RIGHT. UH, YOU MENTIONED ANNA'S ILLNESS WAS RECENT. TWO MONTHS AGO, SHE WAS HAPPY, WELL-ADJUSTED, JOURNALISM MAJOR, LOTS OF FRIENDS -- BRIGHT FUTURE. SO, WHAT HAPPENED -- SHE JUST...FLIPPED? WELL, THAT'S THE TRAGEDY OF SCHIZOPHRENIA. WITHIN WEEKS, ANNA WAS OVERTAKEN BY DELUSIONS. WHAT KIND OF DELUSIONS? SHE THOUGHT DEMONS WERE EVERYWHERE. HUH. INTERESTING. IT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR OUR PATIENTS TO BELIEVE THAT MONSTERS ARE REAL. WELL, THAT -- THAT'S JUST BATTY.

THAT'S REVELATIONS. SINCE WHEN DOES THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS HAVE JACK-O'-LANTERNS? ( CHUCKLES LIGHTLY ) IT'S A, UH, IT'S A LITTLE-KNOWN TRANSLATION. AH. WELL, ANNA'S FATHER WAS A CHURCH DEACON. WHEN SHE BECAME ILL, HER PARANOIA TOOK ON RELIGIOUS OVERTONES. SHE WAS CONVINCED THE DEVIL WAS ABOUT TO RISE UP AND END THE WORLD.

I HOPE YOU FIND HER. IT'S DANGEROUS FOR HER TO BE OUT THERE ALONE RIGHT NOW.

MAYBE THEY'RE NOT HOME. BOTH CARS IN THE DRIVEWAY. MR. AND MRS. MILTON? WE'RE FROM THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT. WE JUST WANTED TO ASK YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS. ( SIGHS ) What's for dinner tonight? Continental Lite Beef Stroganoff Recipe Base. With a third less fat, you can turn fresh ingredients into a great-tasting meal for the whole family. A delicious light meal? Now there's a thought.

MAN: These pure waters are special. Something goes in there, it comes out different... (GRUNTS) (SPLASH!)

..good different. Oh, sure, things don't always turn out the way you expect. But who's complaining? 'Cause this water just...makes things better.

( SIGHS ) ( GRUNTS ) SULFUR. THE DEMONS BEAT US HERE. WHATEVER THE DEAL IS WITH THIS ANNA GIRL -- YEAH, THEY WANT HER. THEY'RE NOT SCREWING AROUND. ALL RIGHT, SO, I'M "GIRL, INTERRUPTED," AND I KNOW THE SCORE OF THE APOCALYPSE, JUST BUSTED OUT OF THE NUT-BOX... POSSIBLY USING SUPERPOWERS, BY THE WAY. WHERE DO I GO? HEY, YOU GOT THOSE SKETCHES FROM ANNA'S NOTEBOOK? YEAH.

LET ME SEE 'EM. CHECK THIS OUT. SHE WAS DRAWING TH WI DOW SHE WAS DRAWING THE WINDOW OF HER CHURCH. OVER AND OVER. IF YOU WERE RELIGIOUS, SCARED,

AND HAD DEMONS ON YOUR ASS, WHERE WOULD YOU GO TO FEEL SAFE? ( BELL TOLLING ) Dean.

ANNA? WE'RE NOT GONNA HURT YOU. WE'RE HERE TO HELP. MY NAME IS SAM. THIS IS MY BROTHER, DEAN. Anna: SAM? NOT SAM WINCHESTER? UH, YEAH.

AND YOU'RE DEAN. THE DEAN? WELL, YEAH. THE DEAN, I GUESS.