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Good News Week -

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(generated from captions) back, Spiderbait, now with a solo

album. The one-named wrecking ball,

Kram. And they're diving out of the

sun at the human mere cat, Mikey

Robbins. With a new book. Did you see Julia Morris?

see Julia Morris? And the former

Australian netball captain, now an

expert commentator for the ANZ

Championships, the lovely Liz Ellis.

So you have a book out? I know. Who

would have thought I could write a

book that wasn't in crayon? I'm

reading it, I got cross when you reading it, I got cross when you

stole it. People say, "I know who

you used to be." And they say, "I

loved you on Dancing with the

Stars' ". I wasn't on it. Julia

used to be on the Netti show. It

was a piss take of the Footy Show.

She was the best because all she

did was drink. I was the Dipper. I

was mad for it. It wasn't all about

netball at all. It was about making

fun of the Footy Show. I suppose

you wore men's clothing? No. I get

it. No - yes. That always help a

joke when you say, "Oh, I get it."

You've been quite quiet, Kram? I'm You've been quite quiet, Kram? I'm

taking it all in, sitting next to

the Mouth from the South. He said,

"If you shut up I'll push your seat

ahead." Yeah, yeah. This is out now,

hey. They're everywhere. I did a

lot of work on the artwork here.

effort. Check Took years of a lot of pain-staking

effort. Check it out. That took him

a long time! That's such a shame

because no-one buys CDs anymore.

They don't. No - you just download

them. My mother would never

download. I didn't bag out netball or anything. You

or anything. You wouldn't want to.

Only two countries play it. It's a

crap sport. The teams seem to be

quite vibeed now. So we call this

first skirmish. What's the story?

Yeah. That's San Francisco.. It

your looks like it. Hello. That's like

your house. This is fantastic news

for people like me and you. And

this politician wants to legalise

marijuana. Much an assumptions

about musicians. -- such an

assumption about musicians. Maybe a

five bongs. little touch-up. Not before about

five bongs. Because that's the only

way I could... No, no, this is...

What we now know is that there's a

way. There's always a way. All cats

are black at night. That's right.

It's not a black joke. CHEERING AND

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, Mum. I

never thought I'd say this, back to

Akhmal. If we legalise it, we can

tax people, right? And collect the

tax from the people who purchase it. It will It will help the economy because

certain items will go up in sale,

will increase in sale like garden

hoses, orange juice bottles,

chocolate bivts, lava lamps. --

biscuits, lava lamps. I think

Americans drink too much coffee as Americans drink too much coffee as

it is, so chill out. A tour manager

had 27 milk shake size

had 27 milk shake size coffees from

the shop back. Go to Star Buck's

and then they don't want to invade

a country. It's a good idea. The

more American States, you know,

embrace the marijuana, and tax it,

etc, the less American people will

problems. They'll be focused on the global economy

problems. They'll be like, "$2

million deficit. I have a $72

million deficit for food. If they

taxed Amy Winehouse alone, they

could help five hospitals. I wrote

an Amy Winehouse joke,

an Amy Winehouse joke, it only took

two years. Did she hear she's

releasing her own fragrance, it is

in powder form. There you go.

A politician in California has

proposed legislation that would not

only legalise marijuana but allow

the state to tax

the state to tax the $22 billion a

year industry. That's a green

revolution. "Although some people

think he's a bit green, even a bit

of a dope, he's been mulling it

over, letting it bubble away. He

has turned over a new leaf and now

the smoke's cleared, it's time to

pipe up." CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We pipe up." CHEERING AND APPLAUSE We

tried to contact him for a comment,

but he couldn't come to the phone

because he was laughing at a crayon.

Might be time to pop in. Hello,

Joel. Oh. Skippy Joel. Oh. Skippy bush kangaroo. Did

you hear this guy, he is Swiss. We

were talking about it on the news.

"I grabbed the kangaroo and felt

its weight against me and it was

hairy." It was the creepiest

Penthouse story. Maybe it was Wayne

Carey. Didn't you say he Carey. Didn't you say he thought it

was a ninja. He was quoted as

saying he thought it was a ninja.

They got on to the phone to his

wife and asked if it was a ninja?

And she said, "No, I just thought

it was a kangaroo." We've got

kangaroos in plague proportions and

turn on us. there will come a time when they

turn on us. If we can get the

fight kangaroos in to the harbour to

fight the sharks.

They have it, pinpoint. Got a bit

of a shock recently when a 40

kilogram kangaroo crashed through

thaur window and jumped on top of thaur window and jumped on top of

them while they were laying in bed.

"What's that, you're going to their

house to give them the fright of

their life. "the Swiss husband was

half asleep and thought it was, and

I quote, "A lunatic ninja." which

they're obviously plagued by in

Switzerland. He got the kangaroo in

a headlock, wrestled it down the

hallway, used one hand to open the hallway, used one hand to open the

front door and push it outside. front door and push it outside.

Normally when the Swiss are

attacked by lunatic ninjas, they

giant kangaroos throw up their giant kangaroos throw up their

hands and say, "I'm neutral, let me

out. Let me hide your money for

you." He must be settling in. She

described her husband's heroics as

crocodile Dundeeesqu, so he's now described her husband's heroics as

Office. being investigated by the Tax

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TOMORROW. (GOODNIGHT) FINE ACROSS THE CAPITAL

I'm trained to detect and identify

out there, we'll find them. So if there's a sub or a warship in the air force? What will you achieve

During the break, During the break, we're not proud

of doing things for money but

there's a recent but strange and

true story. Body hair. Looks like

Samuel L Jackson gut a Brazilian. -

- got a Brazilian. Hold it in front

of your face. Now you must of your face. Now you must die. We

found him. You've described every

taxi driver in Australia. Every

time you get in to a cab you go, "I

found him." Do you want to keep

playing with it, you've got another

hour? Hello, girls. Advanced hair,

bachelor. yeah, yeah. Cleo's most ineligible

bachelor. A magnifying glass? There

was a scam on the net and you

should watch out for it. Increase

the size of your penis and were

asking for 100 pounds and it

arrived two weeks later and it was

a magnifying glass. Sucked in!

Sucked in. Even with that it's still small.

Yes. That was like the creepiest

show bag of all time. For the kids,

the pubic pup. This show seems to

be going completely -- puppet. This

show seems to be going completely

off the rails and in

off the rails and in to Hellville?

What do you mean going? We should

compete with 'Underbelly' - why

don't you take your top off? And

this. This is a drum.

(Sings) # Well, I'm sitting here in

this room haes looking at the world

around # I'm looking out my window

# I can only see brown # And I'm

wondering whether they want

wondering whether they want me

around... # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You can tell he's a professional

because as soon as he picked it up,

he said, "This is a drum." I

thought it was the bagpipes. What

have you got? No.

have you got? No. Come on, you love

it. You know you love it. A French

maid. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I, I

tried this. Testicles are still itchy.

itchy. We also have sporting

paraphernalia. The colour looks

lovely on you. It's lifting your

eyes. Thanks. Don't put it on your

beautiful head, put it on your hand.

Mikey, that looks shithouse. And we also have this.

(Sings) # Women in uniform # Women

in uniform # Women! # CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE All that unusual music. APPLAUSE All that unusual music.

Right now a contest called Clash of

the Titans. Come on down, guys.

This is like that show but

different. They'll face off on the battleground of battleground of current affairs.

The first with correct answer gets

the point. You must buzz in. Your

names are your buzzers. Let's check

them. (Speaks them. (Speaks foreign) I really

like that. It's my full name,

otherwise the family get offended.

And, Julia. Julia! You want to try

your buzzer again? I've got nappy

brain and thought, "It is Julia,

isn't it?" Do I have to yell out my

own name because it reminds me of

sex? It reminds me

sex? It reminds me too much. Start

yelling out my name again. That

doesn't remind me of sex yet. Some

magic that happened. I would prefer

you stayed with your own names if you stayed with your own names if

possible, even if it will be

irksome of you and bring up painful

memories of failure. Therapy. I

doubt it. Here we go. A British GP doubt it. Here we go. A British GP

has suggested a way to control the

global obesity crisis. Stop feeding

your faces, your fat pigs. That's

how he put it. He wasn't very

eloquent but he was qualified.

Which is more than I can say for my

family. They've all been on 'A

Current Affair' for being dodgy

doctors. That's not a joke. You may doctors. That's not a joke. You may

remember like from TV. They look

like this. Sadly it's true. I'll

finish the question for Julia. What

is it? I beg your pardon? A British

GP has suggested a way to control

the global obesity epidemic? He's the global obesity epidemic? He's

taxing chocolate. Thank you very

much. This is going so much better

than I expected. I thought it was

going to be chaotic and weird. Is

this an ethnic thing? What's going

on? Who's Australia's only Liberal

Premier? You can call me Craig even.

That's my Aussie name, yeah. That's my Aussie name, yeah. It's

the West Australian guy. His name the West Australian guy. His name

is John something. Holin Colin.

Colin. Colin Powell. Colin Barnett.

Colin Barnett. I knew it was Colin Barnett. I knew it was

Western Australia. We can just edit

and make me look intelligent if we

edit this. Is Australia's only

Liberal Premier? Colin Barnett.

Thank you. Which American pop star

recently announced his farewell

tour in London? I didn't say my

name. Michael Jackson. name. Michael Jackson. Thank you.

Michael Jackson. Smooth. Should we

call him and say we've got his hair.

What are you going to call the

tour? Farewell, everyone. Who want

a little jiggle? Apparently he's -

I'm not doing my own work today. They're

They're dubbing it. I'm not quite

sure why you're doing it but you

don't have to hit. You just have to

say your name but you're both

giving something. An old sale of

the century hangover. Maybe we can

swap? Maybe I can be Julia. I want

to be Julia then I can play with my to be Julia then I can play with my

breasts. You don't have to be me to

do that. He's still talking. We had a deal, remember.

What's the best album of the year What's the best album of the year by Kram?

by Kram? And then she knows who I

used to be and it was Queen eliz bt

when she was very attractive --

Elizabeth when she was very

attractive. One more question

before we stop the horror. I'm

brilliant. I have fantasies about

him and wet dreams. But he doesn't

him and wet dreams. But he doesn't

notice me. What a prick. CHEERING

AND APPLAUSE Within 10 years,

researchers hope to be growing

which part of the human head? I

thought you were going to say -

He's only said his name so far. I

thought you were going to say tin thought you were going to say tin

10 years I'd like to finish this

segment but it didn't -- in 10

years I'd like to finish this seg

want but it didn't work. Jamo! It's

called, I have forgotten. I've got

nappy brain. Can you please that

nappy brain. Can you please that

know them. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Hooper is now on. 15 points.

Now on 20 points.

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They call this giving headlines.

What's this about? This is about

the chimp who spends his mornings

before the zoo opens collecting before the zoo opens collecting

rocks that would be good

projectiles. When the zoo opens, he

throws them and people stare at him.

What's wrong with good old-

fashioned monkey appeal. Maybe he's

a Palestinian monkey because he's

throwing rocks. Researchers have

noted that what is interesting about the story

about the story is the chimp shows

are the ability to naej future sen

ar-- imagine future scenarios. The

chimp hates being looked at but

it's nice to know other animals

hate their day jobs like most

humans. The zoo went ape shit apparently. But I think they're

stupid because they should have used

used it to their advantage. A ploy.

If you got hit with the rock, you

get a shirt saying, "I got stoned

at the zoo." And who hasn't done

that, right? We've all done that.

And the whole things takes on, you

look at the elephant and you're

like, "Man, you've got big balls."

We're going to move along from his We're going to move along from his

adventures stoned at the zoo to the

next headline. Slamming sticks in

the skins beats flab and the blues.

What's it about? If you play the

drums you'll be hot and sexy like

me. Yeah. Look at it. You cut the

headline short. Isn't it meant to be longer? It beats be longer? It beats flab and the

blues and personal hygiene. It's

about masturbation then. Drumming

reduces your potential for

depression. It's true, I bought a

drum kit and drummed for 12 hours

and my depression lifted but all my

neighbours have severe depression.

And they're really fat. They do have it, ladies

have it, ladies and gentlemen. 15

points. Our research project in the

UK has found video games which

feature interactive drumming could

improve physical and mental health.

Playing the piano or accordion is

still hilarious. Playing drums with

improve your self-esteem simply

with the knowledge at least your with the knowledge at least your

not the base player. We're about to

give some headlines. I spy with my

fake eye, what's it about? It's so

rare I know something. You look

like you've got a fake eye when you

pull that face. A man who when he

was 11 lost his eye and he can take the eye

the eye out and he's put some bed

of fancy equipment on it. Not a big

bed but equipment scenario

/computer thing. And he slips it

back in his eye and gets film stuff

but says he can turn it on and off.

I said to my husband this morning,

can you turn it on and off with a

wink.?Io You imagine being in a bar

and he's winking at me and all he's

doing is taking photos? I tell you

one thing, before you got in the

bed you'd make sure it's turned off.

Instead of facing it forwards, he

should turn around and -- it around

towards his brain and find out what

he's thinking. He has made over he's thinking. He has made over

1500 films. They're all the same,

of people walking up to the camera

going, "What's wrong with your

eye?" Losing bad as death. You know about this.

It's a sports story. Some

It's a sports story. Some fan

equated their team losing,

particularly when they didn't

expect them to lose, fairly akin to

losing a relative. It's a great

loss when you lose. You be

delighted to lose some relatives.

With my grand final it would be

like a -- it would be like a grand final with me

final with me if it was my fam el.

Does it matter. If it's a grand

final and you just lose, you spend

months and months going through. I

was a goalkeeper, losing was never

my fault, it was always the goal

shooters. That was fine. How about

the goals you didn't save? You're

qifbling. Has -- qifbling. Has

anyone ever got so upset with you?

No. No-one really cared about it.

They do a lot more now because it's

important. But when I was playing

no-one gave a shit. Liz is right,

ladies and gentlemen. Five points. According to a new According to a new research paper,

university for AFL fans a big loss

by their team is like losing a

loved one. At least with a death

you get a trophy to put on your

mantle piece. The more likely your

team is to win, the more crushing

the defeat. That's why this doesn't

happen in England. Some fans sugar coat it

coat it to their kids, "It's OK,

son, Collingwood are up there now with Kazali."

You know how it is - you settle down, put on a few kilos. But I'm not worried.

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It's time for

It's time for a mime. We need you.

You know the last time I saw myself

on my show, he had a Motorhead

shirt on as well. What are you

doing? OK.

doing? OK. OK. Kram, your time

begins now. I'm going to do it

three parts. Sorry! Do you

understand the concept of mime? Can

you do it through drumming? Three

bits. The first one, it is a TV

show. It's a chalk board. Teacher.

Painter. Artist. Second bit. Little

canvass. Phone number. Ringing.

Dial tone. Answering machine. Right, yeah.

Someone left an answering machine

message saying they have epilepsy.

OK. Artist heard a message on

answering machine. He got a message

from God on the answering machine.

The artist has allowed people to

leave messages on the machine for

God. Do you know the country? It

was in Europe. Yes. Yes. Yes. One

more for the country. Amsterdam.

Holland. Thank you. Kram, everyone

was right A. Dutch artist has set

up an answering machine where

people can leave messages for God.

You know what, it writes itself

from there on in. An answering

machine. It seems God doesn't have

a mobile. All powerful creator of

the universe, my arse. If you ring

the machine, you hear, "Hi, this the machine, you hear, "Hi, this is the machine, you hear, "Hi, this is

God. I'm everywhere at the moment.

Please leave a message and continue Please leave a message and continue

to kill the unbelievers." The bulk

of the messages are priests phoning

in at 3am, drunk on communion wine

saying, "I love ya." I love ya! Liz Ellis.

Ellis. Come on. We know you want to.

I saw you with them. You have never looked shorter.

Someone consider God made a mistake because this because this could be the perfect time.

Oh, great. It's difficult. I'm

stuck here. Your time begins now.

stuck here. Your time begins now.

OK, um... I Dream of Genie.

Egyptian. Belly dancer. India. Why

didn't you just do a turban? India.

OK. Gun. Oh. Indian guns. OK. Gun. Oh. Indian guns. Indian

rifles. Sleeping with the enemy. Go

on! Indian God lovers. It's called

mixed tape. Indian gun lovers are

witeing -- writing - I know it.

Because I want

Because I want to see the next bit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The only

thing is I'm not sure. Can you do the last bit again. the last bit again. The best thing

is my husband's in the audience is my husband's in the audience and

he's suddenly really scared. Lift

and separate, that's the way. Young

Indian men are loving their guns so

much that a dozen of them decided

if they want to get a licence for

their guns, to be able to buy one

and own it themselves, they have to and own it themselves, they have to

have the bag snipped. Liz, that was

a gorgeous job, especially the

vasectomy. Can you please thank Liz

Ellis. Yay! If you didn't quite

understand it, a district in

central India have come up with a central India have come up with a

ball tearer. One way to keep the

population down. Two ways keep the

population down. Now the only nuts

that can nuts are the guys with

nuts that can't. Let us know a

surprise the locals want guns. It's

comes from all those childhood

years of playing Indians and

Indians. And while you're waiting for

for your licence, you can always

make a slingshot out of your now

useless scrotum. But use the stones

wisely, you only get two. Then now

on 60 points there.

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DREAMY, SEDUCTIVE LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's see CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's see

those strange but true clues once

more. You have the body hair. Yep. The

The magnifying glass? Does this

look like an Amazonian tribesman? I

always want to find the guys with

the lips and ash untheir mouth. That's gingervitis. And this.

Well, I'm sitting here in this room

looking at the world around # I'm

looking out my bellow buten window

# And all I see is your frowns #

And I'm wondering if there's more

around # Alright # CHEERING AND

APPLAUSE It's about a scientist who

has been studying belly button fluff.

fluff. Yeah. What I love about this

story is he has been studying his

own fluff. Not other people's. His

own belly button fluff and some

human hairs have little microscopic

hooks which trap lint and direction

it down into the navel. There are

some questions raised by the story, what's the

what's the evolutionary process of

this. The second one is he really a

scientist? Actually, they're making

a movie about it, it's called 'The

Curious Case of my Belly Button'.

It's starring Brad Pitt. When I was

150 kilos, I could make a 150 kilos, I could make a whole

jumper out of what was down there.

I'm glad scientists have figured

this out. Why men have nipples?

Because I have very small nipples.

Have I showed you? Yeah, yeah,

yeah! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

That's the smallest nipple I've

ever seen. They

ever seen. They do have it, ladies

and gentlemen. As bizarre as it

sounds. An Austrian scientist

trying to solve the mystery of

belly button fluff. Forget disease,

global warming and this would solve

everything. It's all to do with a

particular type of belly hair which

acts like a barbed hook. George

believes the navel fluff could be

eradicated if we started shaving

our hairy bellows. If we did that,

where would all the creatures live.

He said, "In your pubes," for those

of you who didn't hear! CHEERING AND

AND APPLAUSE Mikey, Julia, Liz, you

had the French maid? I have clean

room, have sex, go away. We also

have the sporting stuff? Sporting paraphernalia. And this.

CHEERING AND

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE People were

throwing their underwear at me. I'm

so Tom Jones. Alright. Women in

uniform - lingerie. It's about male

fetishes and fantasies. The

dressing up of the French maid is

your typical bloke's fantasy. But

recent research, this proves they

would prefer - I think blokes in

general are a little bit odd.

They'd rather have their

girlfriends and wives dress up in

their team colours. They'd prefer

to climb in to bed and see them in

their team's colours rather than

the French maid. Get on me, I'm horny.

horny. It's amazing how many blokes

do love a sports uniform. I'm a bit

concerned. A lot of male friends of

mine have rung up over the years

and asked if they could borrow my

netball stuff for a 21st. And I

never get them back. So - I

wouldn't be washing them. I'd be

burning 'em. There's an advantage

for women because if the guy goes

too long, the women can give him a

red card. Yeah, you go too long.

They have it. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

According to a survey of male

football teams in Britain, men

would rather see their wives and

girlfriends untheir favourite

team's uniform than in lingerie.

Bedroom football does have a lot of

advantages. You can get to change

ends at half-time. If you're

worried, there are a few tell-tale

signs that the game is getting in

the way of sex, you can start

the way of sex, you can start by

having a toss. After orgasm, you

run around with a shirt on your

head and kiss all your mates and

every successful manoeuvre is

followed by a man in a white jacket

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and choose a gift voucher from up to 40 retailers. To join or switch, visit Medibank or call 132 331.

and superannuation will again be seen

In the meantime, members of Industry Super Funds Industry Super Funds are run only to benefit members. The chicken at KFC is delivered fresh, not frozen,

and then it's prepared fresh by a cook just like me

to make sure you get the best-tasting chicken in Australia. SONG: # Can't beat that taste. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Here we go,

the game that keeps on giving.

Kevin Rudd's fast money. In

Liverpool, a motorist was having a

nice chat on his hands-free mobile

when he was pulled over by the cops.

What was his offence? He was

breastfeeding. That was last week.

Come on? He was playing Wii.

Masturbating. Excessively laughing

while driving. He was thinking

about masturbating. In Florida, a

woman has been charged with

misusing 9/11 after she repeatedly

rang police. What was the

emergency? The McDonald's had run

out of McNuggets. You've got it!

The county council has spent more

than 12,000 on satellite navigation

units for what? Leistershire. No- one's going to help you.

Leistershire. I know now. Is it

north? I don't know. I don't know

if you've ever heard it, it's like

a cliche, something that gets

bandied around. A quick game's a

good game. I heard just keep

interrupting as much as you can.

That's the motto I grew up with. To

help the council? Lawnmowers.

Grabbed an old lady's purse and ran,

a thief, what did she do? Took him

out. Pretty close. She got in the

car and hit him. Did she? Gave

chase, knocked

chase, knocked him over. In Croatia,

North Croatia? A man who crashed

his car through the front window of

a business got a bit of a shock

when he woke up. Where was he?

Holding a purse. No. He was - in

someone's house. If you randomly

have ideas and thoughts you'll get

it eventually. That's the beauty of

it Was it a breakthroughal. A

police station. Please -- brothel.

A police station. He crashed in to

an undertaker's and fell in to a

coffin. That's Croatia's Funniest

Home Videos. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And in the dressing room tonight,

they scored a low-cut 65 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In the

closing second 85 points for the

victors. -- seconds, 85 point for

the victors. Don't forget the

website is where you can see the

extra bits and sign up for our new

instant messaging service, Twit.

Now, dont be too upset, we won't be

here for a few weeks. We'll be

raising money for Oxfam. Big deep,

you bastards. Good News Week will

return in April with our shows from

the Melbourne Town Hall, featuring

some of the world's best sober

comedians. The inquiry in to the national broadband network will

begin reporting very slowly. The

Bureau of Statistics will release

the figures on Aboriginal home

ownership and reveal they have only

one. It's called Australia.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rolf Harris

will turn 79 and get a letter from

the Queen. It's a restraining order.

And the West Australian Air Guitar championships will be banned.

Australia's relationship with the

US will be tested when Kevin Rudd

meets Barack Obama and performs

Ebony and Ivory.

UP THERE.

WARDEN: TELL ME THIS HAS NOT BEEN JUST A TOTAL WASTE OF MY TIME, TROOPER.

TROOPER: NO, THERE'S SOMETHING UP HERE, SIR. I'M JUST NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT IT IS. YOU PROMISED US BODIES. ONE THING AT A TIME, WARDEN. FIRST, WE START WITH MY SOUVENIRS. WARDEN: SOUVENIRS? WHEN I WAS SICK... ( SCREAMS ) ...THEY WERE MY FAVORITE SEXUAL ORGANS-- TONGUES. WHERE ARE THE GIRLS? CLOSE. BUT YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME A LITTLE SOMETHING IN RETURN FOR THEM, SAM. THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GETTING FROM ME IS YOUR LAST MEAL.

TAKE THAT ANIMAL BACK TO DEATH ROW! WHAT ABOUT THE VICTIMS' FAMILIES?

I'M THEIR LAST CHANCE FOR CLOSURE. WHAT IS IT YOU WANT? NOT MUCH, JUST THE MAN WHO PUT ME INTO THESE-- NCIS SPECIAL AGENT

LEROY JETHRO GIBBS.

CASSIDY: I WILL NEVER FORGET THE DAY THAT GIBBS CAUGHT THIS PSYCHO. TONY: YOU KNEW GIBBS BACK THEN?

NO. I WAS A JUNIOR AT GEORGETOWN. AND FOR TWO YEARS, EVERY WOMAN IN D.C. WAS AFRAID TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

MUST HAVE BEEN TOUGH. YEAH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I ACTUALLY OWE GIBBS FOR THE FIRST FULL NIGHT OF SLEEP I GOT IN COLLEGE. MM, I MEANT DATING. YES, YES, DATING WAS TOUGH. NEED ANY HELP WITH THAT NOW, PAULA? NO, TONY, THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN THERE AND I'VE DONE THAT. ( LAUGHING ) OUCH. YOUR PROBLEM WITH WOMEN IS WHERE YOU'RE FOCUSED. WHERE? MM... HERE. IT'S A MIRROR. QUICK QUESTION. THE PINK ONES. OH! DO THEY TASTE LIKE STRAWBERRY STARBURST? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T SEEING ANYONE. I'M NOT. HMM? IT'S FOR MY COMPLEXION. COMPLEXION GOT A NAME? TONY, YOU SO DON'T WANT TO GO THERE.

JUST TELL ME IT'S NOT ANOTHER AGENT, 'CAUSE I REALLY DON'T THINK I CAN... ( GRUNTS AND GROANS ) ( SHRIEKS ) HIS NAME'S BOB, AND HE'S A LAWYER. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I HATE LAWYERS. I KNOW. SO DO I.

( WHISPERS ): THAT'S WHY IT'S PURELY A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP. WELL, WHAT WOULD THAT MAKE ME?

A BIG MISTAKE. IF YOU DO NOT GIVE ME MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR ARM. ( MUFFLED GROAN ) GOT THAT COFFEE. HAVE YOU BEEN THERE LONG?

UH, LONG ENOUGH TO SAY, "NO, MA'AM, AGENT CASSIDY." OKAY, GOOD ANSWER. THANK YOU. ( MUFFLED SQUEAL ) I LET HER DO THAT. THANK YOU. WHO'S THAT? KYLE BOONE.

HE'S AN INFAMOUS SERIAL KILLER, PROBIE--

TERRORIZED THE DISTRICT IN THE 90S. COME ON. CASSIDY: 22 WOMEN WENT MISSING AND FIVE BODIES WERE FOUND. TONY: GUY ONLY MADE ONE MISTAKE. HE KILLED A PETTY OFFICER. GIBBS CAUGHT HIM? SCHEDULED FOR A GOVERNMENT- SANCTIONED DIRT-NAP ON SATURDAY. HE WANTS TO TALK TO GIBBS BEFORE THEY FLIP THE SWITCH. WHY? CLAIMS HE'S GONNA TELL THEM WHERE THE BODIES ARE. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING ON MY SCREEN? UH, I DIDN'T PUT IT THERE, BOSS. WHO DID, MCGEE? PROBIE, LET ME HANDLE THIS. TONY: BOSS...

SHE DID IT. WE HEARD YOU WERE INTERVIEWING... KYLE BOONE, AND WE ASSUMED THAT WE WOULD BE PROVIDING BACKUP.

YOU HEARD WRONG, CASSIDY. I'M NOT INTERVIEWING ANYONE. OH, WELL, THEN YOU MIGHT WANT TO LET THE GOVERNOR OF VIRGINIA KNOW, SINCE MTAC HAS HIM STANDING BY, WAITING FOR YOUR CALL. FIND HER A DESK.

IS THAT ONE... NO, IT'S TAKEN. A WHOLE WEEK OF T.A.D. WITH GIBBS.

I CAN SMELL THE FUN ALREADY. WELL, IT'S BEEN A TOUGH MONTH. RIGHT NOW HE PRETTY MUCH HATES EVERYONE, PAULA. INCLUDING HIMSELF. GOVERNOR: I WAS TOLD BY YOUR DIRECTOR THAT YOU WOULD PERSONALLY BE INTERVIEWING KYLE BOONE THIS AFTERNOON, AGENT GIBBS. GIBBS: DIRECTOR SHEPARD WAS MISINFORMED, GOVERNOR. TALKING TO KYLE BOONE WOULD BE A WASTE OF TIME. POSSIBLY, BUT IF THERE'S EVEN A CHANCE THAT HE WOULD REVEAL TO YOU THE LOCATION OF HIS VICTIMS, WE HAVE TO TAKE IT. HE'S HAD TEN YEARS TO THINK ABOUT IT. WHY THE CHANGE OF HEART NOW? IN MY EXPERIENCE, MEN FACING IMMINENT DEATH TEND TO REEVALUATE THE COURSE OF THEIR LIVES. MOST SEEK FORGIVENESS. BOONE HAD A LOT OF INTERESTS. FORGIVENESS WASN'T ONE OF THEM. HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE? I SPENT FIVE MONTHS INTERROGATING HIM. A DECADE AGO. PEOPLE CHANGE.

MAYBE. NOT KYLE BOONE. ARE YOU REFUSING TO MEET WITH HIM? I'M REFUSING TO ENTERTAIN A HOMICIDAL MANIAC WHO TORTURED AND KILLED 22 WOMEN, SIR. I HAVE PLAYED THAT GAME BEFORE.

AND THE HUNDREDS OF FAMILY MEMBERS WHO LOST A DAUGHTER A SISTER OR A MOTHER? WHAT DO I TELL THEM? THAT NO MATTER KYLE BOONE SAYS IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS, COME SATURDAY, SIR, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE SURE HE FRIES. WE ALL OWE YOU A DEBT OF GRATITUDE FOR BRINGING HIM TO JUSTICE, AGENT GIBBS, BUT, UH... YOU LEAVE ME LITTLE CHOICE. I AM SORRY. SIR! WE'VE GOT A HIGH PRIORITY TRANSMISSION COMING THROUGH FOR YOU IN MTAC. FROM WHO? SECRETARY OF THE NAVY. ( CHUCKLES ) WELL, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. BRIGHT SIDE? YOU'RE ONLY HERE A WEEK. WHY COULDN'T I SIT AT KATE'S DESK? MOSTLY, BECAUSE IT'S STILL KATE'S DESK.

SHE WAS A GREAT AGENT. YEP. HOW ARE YOU HANDLING IT? SAME WAY I HANDLE EVERYTHING-- TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT. AND WHEN THAT DOESN'T WORK?

THERE'S ALWAYS JUNK FOOD.

DOESN'T SOUND VERY HEALTHY, TONY. IT'S EITHER THAT OR I START BUILDING A BOAT IN MY BASEMENT. DID YOU MOVE FROM YOUR APARTMENT?

NO. NOW YOU SEE MY DILEMMA. HEY. IF YOU EVER DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I'M HERE FOR YOU. OKAY? YOU MEAN THAT? YES, OF COURSE I MEAN THAT. OKAY. WELL, THEN, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING. WHAT'S BOBBIE LIKE IN BED? ( SIGHS ) KATE WAS RIGHT. YOU ARE TRULY, TRULY PATHETIC, DINOZZO. UH, YOU TWO MIGHT WANT TO GET BUSY. GIBBS'S HEADED THIS WAY AND HE LOOKS PISSED. THINK HE CAVED TO THE GOVERNOR? NO WAY. NO WAY. IF GIBBS DOESN'T WANT TO DO SOMETHING, HE DOESN'T. NO MATTER WHO'S ASKING. ( COCKS PISTOL ) WHERE YOU GOING, BOSS? SUSSEX STATE PRISON, INTERVIEWING KYLE BOONE. BE GONE THE REST OF THE DAY. YEP, YOU TWO SURE HAVE HIM PEGGED. WE MOVED BOONE TO DEATH WATCH ON MONDAY. THAT'S WHEN HE DECIDED HE WANTED TO TALK. WE DO THINGS A LITTLE DIFFERENT HERE IN VIRGINIA. THE CONDEMNED GET A CHOICE: LETHAL INJECTION OR DEATH BY ELECTROCUTION.

BOONE IS THE FIRST ONE TO CHOOSE THE CHAIR. DESERVES WORSE. SPECIAL AGENT GIBBS?

I'M ADAM O'NEILL, KYLE BOONE'S ATTORNEY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR COMING. I, UH... I UNDERSTAND YOUR RELUCTANCE HERE.

BUT I TRULY BELIEVE THAT MY CLIENT'S INTENTIONS ARE SINCERE.

THE DAY I ARRESTED YOUR CLIENT, WE FOUND TWO HUMAN FEMALE TONGUES IN HIS REFRIGERATOR. I'M FAMILIAR WITH THE CASE, AGENT GIBBS. REALLY? YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE NAMES OF HIS VICTIMS? LOOK, I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THE PAST. I'M HERE TRYING TO SAVE A MAN'S LIFE. BOONE WANTS A DEAL? NO. MR. BOONE WANTS THE CHAIR FOR HIS CRIMES.

I'M THE ONE HOPING TO GET HIM LIFE IN PRISON. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. AGENT GIBBS, PLEASE. I'M JUST TRYING TO DO MY JOB HERE.

MAYBE TOGETHER, WE CAN BOTH HELP THE VICTIMS' FAMILIES FIND SOME CLOSURE. BE THERE SATURDAY. YOU'LL BE ABLE TO SEE THEM GET THAT. RIGHT THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN. WELL, ACTUALLY, AGAINST MY ADVICE,

MR. BOONE HAS ELECTED TO MEET WITH AGENT GIBBS ALONE. THERE'LL BE A GUARD OUT HERE IF YOU NEED HIM. I WON'T. ( DOOR SLAMS SHUT ) NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN, JETHRO. I WASN'T SURE IF YOU'D COME, BUT... HERE YOU ARE. YOU'VE GOT TWO MINUTES. START TALKING.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK ALMOST THE SAME... EXCEPT THE HAIR. WHEN DID IT GO GRAY? WHERE ARE THE BODIES? WE'LL GET TO THAT. THERE'S JUST A FEW THINGS I NEED TO ASK YOU FIRST. I GUESS THEY SHOWED YOU MY SOUVENIRS? THERE WEREN'T 20 IN THAT JAR. YOUR POINT? I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE PADDING YOUR ACCOUNT. OH. BAITING ME?

DENIGRATING MY REP? COME ON. YOU KNOW THAT APPROACH NEVER WORKED ON ME, JETHRO.

A MINUTE 38.

CAN'T WE JUST CHAT FOR A BIT? CATCH UP? HMM? HOW'S THE WIFE? ( SIGHS ) SHE LEFT YOU, DIDN'T SHE? I TRIED TO WARN YOU ABOUT THAT. WOMEN CAN'T UNDERSTAND MEN LIKE US. YOU GOT WHAT, BOONE? THREE DAYS LEFT? HOW'S IT FEEL? I'M KIND OF TERRIFIED.

WEIRD, CONSIDERING MY FORMER ACTIVITIES. THEY SAY IT CAN TAKE UP TO FOUR MINUTES TO DIE IN THE CHAIR.

ME, PERSONALLY? I'M HOPING IT TAKES A LOT LONGER. YOU REALLY HAVE CHANGED. THE OLD GIBBS WOULD NEVER BE THIS ABRUPT. DID YOU REMARRY? YOU GOT LESS THAN A MINUTE. OKAY, OKAY, TOO PERSONAL. NOW, WHAT ABOUT, UH, NCIS SPECIAL AGENT CAITLIN TODD? CAN WE TALK ABOUT HER? I SAW HER PICTURE IN THE POST. THEY SAID SHE WAS SHOT BY A TERRORIST? DID YOU CUT BACK ON THE CAFFEINE LIKE I TOLD YOU? SEE YOU SATURDAY. COME ON, GIBBS. I WAS JUST HAVING SOME FUN WITH YOU! YOU CAN'T LEAVE. YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE FOLLOWING ORDERS, LIKE A GOOD MARINE. RIGHT, GUNNY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHERE THEY ARE. WHERE THEY ALL ARE. THERE'S MORE THAN 22, JETHRO. LOTS MORE. Headlining Ten News tonight - investigators piecing together events leading to this runway disaster. The death toll rising for whales that have beached themselves in WA. And a grand plan to get a million gas-guzzling old cars off the road. Join me for Ten's Late News. In Sports Tonight - Mitchell Johnson clubs his Maiden Test ton in Cape Town. There are so many reasons to stick around and shop in Canberra this autumn and so many things to do. Why would you go anywhere else? Remember, every dollar you spend locally helps keep our economy humming.

WHERE IS HE, TIMOTHY? UH, WHO? GIBBS, DAMN IT. HEY!

DO YOU EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD CHOLESTEROL, TONY? NO, BUT I'M ASSUMING IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH TASTE. BAD IS WHAT CAME BACK ON YOUR LAST BLOOD TEST. DISPOSE OF THIS.

HEY, HEY, THAT COST ME 16 BUCKS, THAT PIZZA. YOU'LL THANK ME WHEN YOU'RE MY AGE. BUT YOU EAT PIZZA ALL THE TIME.

EXACTLY. I DON'T REALLY SEE THE CONNECTION HERE. WELL, OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T, YOU'RE NOT A DOCTOR. WHERE IS GIBBS?

SUSSEX STATE PRISON, INTERVIEWING KYLE BOONE. HE SAID HE WASN'T GOING. HE WASN'T. UNTIL THE SECNAV ORDERED HIM TO.

WHO'S WITH HIM?

NO ONE. HAVE YOU ANY IDEA THE EFFECT THAT PSYCHOPATH HAD ON GIBBS TEN YEARS AGO? CONSIDERING HOW OPEN GIBBS IS ABOUT HIS PERSONAL LIFE... UH, NO, NOT A CLUE. HE SHOULD NOT HAVE GONE ALONE. DUCKY, IT'S... IT'S GIBBS. I'M SURE HE'LL BE FINE. THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY. YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO LIVE THROUGH THIS THE LAST TIME. ( PHONE RINGING ) DINOZZO. WHERE? YEAH, I GOT IT, BOSS. WE'RE ON OUR WAY. CASSIDY, SADDLE UP. GIBBS WANTS YOU IN THE FIELD. BOONE FAMILY FARM. WANTS ME? THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. LET'S ROLL. TEN YEARS AGO AND TODAY, DUCKY? ( COCKS GUN ) WE HAVE GIBBS BACK. THERE'S ANOTHER DIFFERENCE, TONY. TEN YEARS AGO, GIBBS WAS A VERY DIFFERENT MAN. YOU MEAN HE WAS ACTUALLY MEANER? NO, QUITE THE OPPOSITE. HE WAS... HE WAS A LOT LIKE YOU. TONY: WHAT DO WE GOT? I CAN SAVE YOU THE TIME, GIBBS. MY MEASUREMENTS ARE 34...

26-34. AREN'T I?

DID YOU WEIGH AND MEASURE ME IN MY SLEEP? I'M A CRIME-SCENE SKETCH EXPERT. IT'S WHAT I DO. YOU'LL DO. GIBBS, AGAIN, YOU HAVE SUCH A WAY OF MAKING A GAL FEEL SO SPECIAL. PUT THIS ON.

MCGEE?

YEAH, BOSS?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO WEAR KNEEPADS.

DO WE EVEN HAVE KNEEPADS? EQUIPMENT INVENTORY'S KATE'S JOB. YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE'RE DOING? FOLLOWING GIBBS' LEAD. ON WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. YOU DON'T KNOW AND THAT DOESN'T BOTHER YOU AT ALL? YOU GET USED TO IT. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

THIS PLACE MUST HAVE BEEN GONE OVER A DOZEN TIMES, BOSS. NO WAY THERE'S ANY BODIES IN HERE. NOT LOOKING FOR BODIES, TONY. BOONE WAS RAISED HERE BY HIS UNCLE. HIS MOTHER WAS A PROSTITUTE,

SHE LEFT TOWN WHEN HE WAS 12. THEN WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR? PROOF. BOONE SWEARS IT'S HERE, AND THE ONLY PLACE WE DIDN'T LOOK IS INSIDE THIS CHIMNEY. I THINK I GOT SOMETHING.

( COUGHS ): NO. THAT'S JUST ANOTHER DEAD BIRD. ( GROANS ) OH, IT'S DISGUSTING.

BET THIS WASN'T IN THE BROCHURE WHEN YOU SIGNED UP FOR NCIS, PROBIE. MCGEE: YOU KNOW, YOU WERE WRONG EARLIER.

ABOUT WHAT?

SHE WEIGHS MORE THAN A BUCK 20.

OH. OW! SORRY. SHE DID THAT ON PURPOSE. OKAY. OH, NO, I GOT... IT'S RIGHT HERE BY THE FLUE. I GOT IT. OKAY, I'M COMING DOWN. MCGEE ( SIGHS ): FINALLY. YOU KNOW, YOU COULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR... ( GROANS ) JEEZ. MY BAD. LOOKS LIKE A BOOK. ( COUGHS ) ( WOMEN SCREAM ) ( SCREAMS )

OH, THERE MUST BE 30 PAGES THERE. MORE. WHAT'S CARVED INTO THEIR BACKS? IT'S HIS CALLING CARD, MCGEE.

(LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION) (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC) while the germs at the source continue to smell. Glen 20 is different. It attacks the source of the odours

(Sighs)

Excuse me. CHEERFUL MUSIC With more space, a stylish new look

and Subaru's renowned symmetrical all-wheel drive... ..the new Subaru Forester - a beautiful drive. If you knew, you'd be in a Subaru. WOMAN: Tired of waiting for the fish? Rush off to Red Rooster for delicious, flaky fillets of fish in a tempura batter with our famous chips, or try our Fish Fillet Wrap. For drive-thru fish and chips, it's gotta be red. SOMETHING WRONG? THIS SECTION

ON MY MOTHER, JOHN, IS BETTER, BUT IT STILL NEEDS WORK. I WAS TRYING TO HUMANIZE HER, KYLE. DON'T. ( BUZZER ) YOU FIND IT ALL RIGHT, JETHRO?

I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE IF YOU DIDN'T. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY BIOGRAPHER, JOHN BRIGGS. SPECIAL AGENT GIBBS, IT IS A PLEASURE. I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SCHEDULE AN INTERVIEW WITH YOU FOR MONTHS. WARDEN: YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE NOW, BRIGGS. I'VE BEEN GRANTED SPECIAL PERMISSION BY THE STATE OF VIRGINIA TO BE HERE, WARDEN.

NOT ANYMORE.

NEXT TIME YOU SEE BOONE, HE'LL HAVE A THUNDERBOLT SHOOTING OUT OF HIS ASS. HEY, I WAS... I WAS GUARANTEED

FULL ACCESS FOR THE NEXT THREE DAYS. THE WARDEN ASKED YOU TO LEAVE.

DON'T MAKE HIM ASK YOU AGAIN. YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE AGENT GIBBS, JOHN. HE'S FINALLY GOTTEN A GLIMPSE INTO THE WORLD I'VE BEEN TELLING HIM ABOUT.

YOU FOUND HIS SCRAPBOOK? WHEN... WHEN WILL IT BE RELEASED? SON, IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE UNDER YOUR OWN POWER,

I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE NOW. ( BUZZER ) JOHN REALLY IS A WONDERFUL WRITER. YOU KNOW, HE'S SPENT YEARS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME. UNFORTUNATELY, HE JUST NEVER SEEMED TO MEASURE UP. TO WHO? YOUR PROSTITUTE MOM? OR YOUR FATHER? SOME HICK JOHN WITH A FEW EXTRA BUCKS IN HIS POCKET. ACTUALLY, I WAS REFERRING TO YOU, JETHRO. SHOW'S OVER. WHERE'S THE DUMPING GROUND? YOU SHOW ME MY SCRAPBOOK ONE LAST TIME

AND I'LL DRAW YOU A MAP EVEN A MARINE CAN FOLLOW. NO. THEY'VE SUFFERED ENOUGH. WELL, WE'RE AT AN IMPASSE.

YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP PLAYING THIS GAME WITH ME, BOONE? I'VE NEVER CONSIDERED ANY OF THIS A GAME, JETHRO. YOU KNOW THAT.

WHATEVER. I'M CHANGING THE RULES. HOW SO? I'VE SEEN YOUR WORLD. NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR MISERABLE LIFE IN MINE. ( BUZZER ) ( CELL DOOR SLIDES OPEN ) ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, MY LITTLE PROBATIONARY FIELD AGENTS. YOU'RE ABOUT TO WITNESS THE TRANSFER OF A MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER TO OUR HUMBLE FACILITY.

WHILE HE'S HERE, HE'S OUR SOLE RESPONSIBILITY. ( YAWNS ) OH, I'M SORRY. AM I BORING YOU? MY GOD, DOES HE EVER STOP? I'M JUST GLAD IT'S NOT ME. IT'S 10:00. DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE BRINGING BOONE HERE NOW. GIBBS IS TRYING TO PUT HIM ON UNFAMILIAR GROUND, THROW HIM OFF BALANCE. BECAUSE THAT WORKED SO WELL

TEN YEARS AGO? WHAT'S DIFFERENT NOW? I AM, CASSIDY. TONY: STAND TALL. LACE UP, PROBIES. ( BEEPING ) I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU, JETHRO. IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME AGAIN.

( SIGHS ): YEAH. GOOD TO BE HOME.

TONY: GUY'S BEEN IMPERSONATING A STATUE ALL NIGHT. ACCORDING TO THE WATCH, HE HASN'T MOVED A MUSCLE. ( GROANS ): IT'S CREEPY. WHEN IS GIBBS GOING TO START HIS INTERROGATION? WHEN HE'S READY. WELL, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TELL HIM TO HURRY. HE'S GOT LESS THAN 48 HOURS BEFORE BOONE'S SCHEDULED TO BE EXECUTED.

I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA, PAULA. WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM? ( CHUCKLES ): 'CAUSE I'M NOT STUPID. NO. OF ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE,

STUPID DEFINITELY ISN'T ONE OF THEM. THANK YOU. OKAY, WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? NOTHING. BY THE WAY, HOW'S BOBERT? WHY, ARE YOU JEALOUS?

( CHUCKLES ) OF A LAWYER? GIVE ME A BREAK.