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(generated from captions) Tonight on 10 to 1... "Now, now, now, you, you..." No, no, no, no. better than that. You couldn't script something I mean, these people are in charge! thinking of that. Honestly, I won't sleep for months, (LAUGHS) Please explain.

I'm never gonna live that one down. Big mistake. 10 to One - Spectacular Stuff-Ups. Good evening. And welcome to the spotlight on politicians Tonight, we're turning of those we choose to lead us. and the human side Under constant media scrutiny, is out there for all to see. everything our elected officials do but let's face it - We all make mistakes, when our pollies do it. it's so much funnier it's gaffes and blunders, Tripping into number 10, that pollies would rather we forget. those moments caught on camera WOMAN: May I help you? (PHONE RINGS) to the top of the political tree It amazes me that people who get forget the basic lessons, every camera's always on, and that is, every microphone's always live. Fortunately for the rest of us, you get some great moments. they do forget this and

she's got some... Yeah, obviously if she goes down WOMEN: Oh! Oh. Hey, come on. Get your top off. (TAPE REWINDS) Hey, come on. Get your top off. I've been at lunch all day. One of those very long lunches. I'm slightly pissed. I guess you could say going to get away with I think if anyone was it'd be Tim Fischer. sliding on his butt down a mountain, No, I'm not saying that I'm saying he did it deliberately. Yes, I am. I am. without everyone seeing it They can't make a mistake like Carmel Tebbutt on the news that night, was Australia Day. when she was asked why Australia Day we celebrate Australia Day CARMEL TEBBUTT: Well, the day that we became a nation. because that's the, uh,

Not quite, Carmel. Federation Day was 1 January. MAN: I think you'll find that, uh, got me too early in the morning. CARMEL TEBBUTT: Sorry, you've but as soon as she doesn't know, I don't blame her for not knowing, and goes, "Na-ah!" everyone sits at home WOMAN: Was it Ronald Reagan wacky joke about Russia? who was making some kind of

WOMAN: The mikes were open supposed to be on the air. and Mr Reagan was not yet Oh, my God. could've been blown up The whole world a little bit of a wacky joke. because Ronald Reagan made at number 9, Striding, foot-in-mouth, Vice-President Dan Quayle. it's the former American Oh, Dan Quayle, is hilarious. Funniest politician of all time. The EE pro...BE p... ..the EE...EE program... example of a dumb politician. Dan Quayle, I think, is a great People love dumb politicians.

I wish I had taken... I'll be the first to admit more seriously. might have helped dimwitted Dan Another day or two at school of the Holocaust. gain a clearer understanding That's a Quayleism at its best. he just gets muddled up. That's where Sit back. Have a look at this. in our nation's history. It was an obscene period WHOSE history? (GROANS) but in World War II. Oh, not our nation's, lived in this century. I mean, we...we all but in this century's history. I...I didn't live in this century, (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah. I mean, Dan Quayle was full of them. (HICK ACCENT) ..po-tae-to. He was just... Po-TAE-to.

misspelling 'potato', Even Dan Quayle

a smarter president than George Bush I still think he would've been Confident he'd spelt it correctly, NEWSREADER: to sit down again, the student was ready

had different ideas. but the Vice-President Spell that...spell that again now. on the end, didn't he? He had an 'E' Add one little bit on the end. There you go. Alright. You write phonetically. What else? of the school spelling book NEWSREADER: Just one check had slipped up yet again. proved Dan Quayle and I was right. I guess he was wrong just bow your head, MAN: What do you do - running down the street? walk out, start President Bush, Mrs Bush Who could forget, "Welcome, "and my fellow astronauts"? Mr President and Mrs Bush, and fellow astronauts and... Dick Truly (LAUGHS) "My fellow astronauts." Jeez. "Republicans understand Or how about between mother and child"? "the importance of bondage of having the bondage We understand the importance between the parent and the child. (LAUGHS) "Well, actually, I'm a Quayle." "I think that you're a goose!" ('CANNED HEAT' BY JAMIROQUAI) at number eight - Dancing around the real issues groove shakers the policy makers become and worst of performing pollies. as we take a look at the best I want you to meet. Mum, there's somebody (GASPS) Good God! and get it absolutely right Some politicians can play the ham and have it work for them. Quite a few politicians play guitar. I think that we should see as little of that as possible.

Wherever you roam... # (SINGS) # Gather round, people it's on tape forever. Problem is, soon as it's done,

to Peter Costello And that's exactly what happened we would never let him forget. when he learnt some dance steps ('MACARENA' PLAYS) Well, Peter Costello has been one of my favourite dancing partners. Hip, hip... on my hands when I do that. Da-da-da-da, and put some cash Is that how it worked? Kevin Rudd discovered has no political bias. that Kerri-Anne's dancing And jump! Da...da... And jump. Ladies and gentlemen! There you go. I... BY THE BEE GEES) ('MORE THAN A WOMAN' For Alexander Downer, but nowhere to go. it was all dressed up He's got the fishnet up, he's giving it the look, he's thinking, "This'll make me popular. Everyone will love me." I wonder if he wakes up at 3:00 with his palms sweating,

thinking, "Why did I do that?" Big mistake. It seems our Foreign Affairs Minister is a one-man entertainment machine. (SINGS POORLY) # We have a yarn but not about Taiwan... # Alexander Downer should never sing. # Ooh, I want to take in the Philippines, Cambodia # Come on, pretty mama... # Even karaoke. I mean, that's meant to be uncool. But he still shouldn't do it. There's no karaoke for former Victorian premier Joan Kirner. She loves rock'n'roll. # I love rock'n'roll # So come and take your time and dance with me... # I couldn't believe my eyes. Trouble is, it was really good. (LAUGHS) Who said politicians were boring? Stick around for more 10 to One

as we remember those moments our politicians would prefer we forget. High in fibre... 97% wholegrain... High in iron... And folate... Yet incredibly... Low in cost... At just nine cents... Per Bix... Mum says... "Weet-Bix value..." " exceptional." Exceptional. (GIGGLES) (BANG!) (COUGHS) The answers you seek? Well, actually, I was just... Silence, fool! The answer's in your hand. Oh. But I thought 1234 1234 gives Telstra customers more than numbers. There are street directions, movie times, information from Yellow and Citysearch. That's great. But why are you telling me this? Ugh! I need you to call me a physio.

I think I did my neck in this box. You mean your wrist? Shut up. (ZANY MUSIC) Welcome back to 10 to One. Robin Williams once said that politicians are like nappies - they need constant changing and for pretty much the same reason. Hasta la vista, baby! Ha! If the Treasurer imposed a tax on brains, you'd get a massive refund! Serving it up at number seven, it's question time antics, when the powerful indulge in parliamentary point-scoring. You little tax-dodging sod! Sit down, you! You dummy-spitting little git. You are a sanctimonious windbag! They yell at each other, they wave things, they abuse each other, they shout each other down. There's no manners. I mean, these people are in charge! Mr Speaker, he's going troppo. Thanks, twinkle toes - you just go back and slide into your hole.

The best question time moment in Australian parliamentary history came...I think it was about April 1993. John Hewson was opposition leader, Paul Keating was prime minister, and Hewson shouted across the chamber, "When will you call an election? Why don't you call an election?" And Paul Keating, in his Zegna suit, impeccably turned out, said, "Because, mate..." I want to do you slowly. I want to do you slowly. Latham, I know, tried to be a bit colourful with the language, and I kind of appreciated that. You cream puff. There they are - a conga line of suckholes

on the conservative side of Australian politics. Mark Latham had a lot to say about a lot of people, and, gee, didn't it come back to bite him? At number 6, we pay tribute to the man, the mumbler, Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen. No, no, no, no... "Now, now, now, you, you... don't you worry about that." Just don't worry about that. "You...don't you worry about that." Don't you worry about that. Don't you talk to me about J... Joh Bjelke-Petersen. As Premier of Queensland for a record 19 years, Sir Joh appeared to hold the fate of the State in the hollow of his head. Or was that just a political act?

First and foremost, of course, he was a New Zealander, which explains a very great deal. Secondly, he was a peanut farmer, and that explains the rest. Great mixer of metaphors. "You can't count your chickens till the hens...mount a cow." You can't walk along a barbed wire fence with a foot in each paddock. Like milk that's been allowed to stand undisturbed. He made an entire career out of confusing people and he did it with an ability to mangle the English language that hasn't been duplicated since. White-wing, left-wing, old guard, new guard... ..and a mudguard, all of those groups. We all thought that he wasn't there half the time, mumbling, "Don't you worry about that," all that sort of stuff. But really, he was a... he was a very smart politician. You know very well that you a...'ve got your foot on the sticky paper. I've got no problems with Joh. You know, Queenslander, hey. Joh was number one. If these power workers come back with the guerrilla campaign that they're talking about... Yes. What will you do? Make monkeys out of them. Instantly recognisable at number five, it's the elected leaders famous before they were pollies. Go ahead. Make my day. DAVE HUGHES: It's easy for famous people to become politicians

because generally we haven't got a clue who the politicians are, so if you look on a ballot and you know the person's name, you think, "Alright, give them a go." I mean, there's the obvious ones like Ronald Reagan and the 'Governator', but over in Italy, there's a pollie called Cicciolina that was a porn star before she got elected. And even when she was campaigning, she'd just give a little bit of a cheeky "Whoo!" (LAUGHS) Try and boost the votes. Who wouldn't vote for her? She's up there on the platform and she's ripping her gear off. That's not a bad platform to be standing on, is it? Interestingly enough, not too many Australian famous people have drifted into politics. I don't know why. Maybe because not everyone makes a smooth transition. Former Australian rugby league star Mal Meninga tried a career in Canberra - for a moment, anyway. I'm just a person out there making sure that I was, um... (LAUGHS) Oh, bugger. I'm buggered. I'm sorry. REPORTER: It was the shortest political career on record. But we do have Peter Garrett. (SINGS) # A short memory Must have a... # Peter Garrett, who led Midnight Oil through all its glory years, rock star supreme, extremely popular, and has now moved into Federal politics. "The time has come to say fair's fair, "to pay the rent, to pay our share." He's gotta dance in Parliament. Come on, Peter, dance up a storm.

After the break, we continue to celebrate the trials and tribulations of being a politician. (UPBEAT JAZZ PLAYS) VOICEOVER: From tomorrow at Target, if you buy one kids' top or shorts you'll get 50% off the second one. Exclusions and conditions apply. Target - wishing you a 100% happy Christmas. Many common foods are high in acidity, which can cause enamel erosion. Colgate Sensitive Enamel Protect helps protect from enamel erosion with a dual action that helps relieve the sensitivity and remineralise your enamel day after day. To help control acid erosion, start using: Now there's a mouthwash that's gentle and effective. Colgate Plax Gentle Care. 12-hour protection from bacterial plaque. (CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS) VOICEOVER: From tomorrow, get into Target for 'Kung Fu Panda' DVD, just $23.99, and Blu-ray disc, $39.99, and PS2 console with 'BUZZ! Junior: Jungle Party' bundle, $169.95. Have a 100% happy Christmas. Welcome back to 10 to One - Spectacular Stuff-Ups. And at number four, it's the world leader who celebrated his rise to power and never stopped celebrating. ('I'M SO EXCITED' BY THE POINTER SISTERS) VINCE SORRENTI: Boris Yeltsin and a bottle of vodka. There's a one-man entertainment extravaganza. Yes, the late Russian president Boris Yeltsin

was one politician not afraid to shake up the status quo. I always liked watching Boris Yeltsin and you get a picture of him in your mind and you get that... (SINGS) # Dah, dah, da da, da da, da da... # But he was in there doing his bit of Borisy dancing. Boris dancing! Conducting the army band that time was just fantastic. And he was always getting up and giving it a bit of this with dancing girls. This international leader didn't mind a tickle or a tipple. Enjoyed one of them, didn't he? A lot of the, you know, distilled potato juice was his, I think, drink of choice. CORINNE GRANT: There may possibly have been a little bit of alcohol involved. I couldn't say for sure. But he was slightly unsteady on his feet. As the leader of the world's third-largest country, and with the nuclear arsenal to back it up, world leaders did their best to take boisterous Boris seriously. (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) INTERPRETER: Well, now for the first time I can tell you that YOU'RE a disaster. (LAUGHS) Him in charge of all these weapons? How does that work? (LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) MAN: He could've blown us all up, but I guess he was just a bit too drunk to ever get round to blowing up the Americans. AMANDA KELLER: What a jolly old man. A jolly, alcohol-fuelled man who had his finger on the red button. He was like a one-man band that could explode at any time

and take us with him. Falling head over heels into number three, it's those hot sex scandals that landed politicians in hotter water.

WOMAN: Politicians having sex, I guess, was, as a kid, it was like thinking about your parents having sex. As long as they're not having a crack at it in Parliament, I don't think it really matters, does it? CORINNE GRANT: I never, ever, ever, ever wanted the image of Cheryl Kernot and Gareth Evans having a lovely little time together in my head. Eugh! Seriously, eugh. SORRENTI: Sex on a stick. I mean, it's never going to be on the cover of 'Who Weekly', is it? One scandal that was front-page news around the world was the Clinton-Lewinsky affair. It was all just wrong, but...but...but oh, so juicy to watch. MAN: I mean, if that's the best the most powerful man in the world can get... (WHISTLES) ..I'm givin' up tomorrow. Private affairs are, well, private. But does the public have a right to know? GRIMSHAW: I don't know if we have a right to know but... ..aren't we just a little bit curious? I won't comment on anyone's private life. It's nothing to do with anyone else but the people themselves. Pauline has since made comment on a sex scandal - her own alleged affair with David Oldfield. (SPEAKS INAUDIBLY) David Oldfield has denied ever having sex with her. The ex-One Nation leader has claimed that she had a sexual relationship with Oldfield, lasting a couple of weeks. When I first read that, my first thought was, "Well, der," and my second thought was, "Eugh!" Honestly, I won't sleep for months, thinking of that.

Quite a few years ago there was a sex scandal about a politician, a prominent Liberal politician having a love child. Everyone thought I was Amanda Vanstone's. Ladies and gentlemen, our country is at the crossroads. Which road will you take? At number two, it's the pearls of wisdom that fall from the lips of our leaders. Well may we say, "God save the Queen"... (CROWD CLAMOURS) ..because nothing will save the Governor-General. Some of those things are said just off the cuff but they're always the ones that stick. WOMAN: Are you xenophobic? Please explain. (CHUCKLES) Please explain. I'm never gonna live that one down.

There is nothing wrong with saying, "Please explain." It seems Aussie prime ministers

have some explaining to do when it comes to things they've said. There's no way that GST will ever be part of our policy. Uh, hello, where are we now? I reckon when a politician makes a big statement like... By 1990 no Australian child will be living in poverty. It's almost like the mouth is running but the brain's not working. This is a recession that Australia had to have. Thanks, Paul. From a financial economic viewpoint, it's actually probably right. JOHN F. KENNEDY: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. The American speech writers are just that much classier than our speech writers. MARTIN LUTHER KING: I have a dream that one day... ..this nation will rise up... out the true meaning of its creed, that all men are created equal. Sometimes politicians set out to say something marvellous. Remember when JFK went to Berlin, and that famous speech, "Ich bin ein Berliner." Ich bin ein Berliner. He was so close to saying something marvellous. Oh, never mind. After the break, we reveal our top political stuff-up. High in fibre... 97% wholegrain... High in iron... And folate... Yet incredibly... Low in cost... At just nine cents... Per Bix... Mum says... "Weet-Bix value..." " exceptional." Exceptional. (GIGGLES) There are some wrinkles that age you more than others, even from a distance. I call them deep-set wrinkles. Discover new Revitalift Deep-Set Wrinkles from L'Oreal Paris. Enriched with Pro-Retinol A and Fibro-Plastyl. Now, even close up, my wrinkles appear reduced, and my face looks softer. And all this makes me look younger. from L'Oreal Paris. Ready for your close-up? Because you're worth it. VOICEOVER: To find the best Australian ingredients

for Christmas, you'd head north for your prawns, and south for your salmon.

You'd search throughout Australia for ham and across it for turkey. And you could only settle for real butter mince pies. But you'd have to try one just to be sure.

Then you'd follow the sun to the best orchards in the country to pick the perfect peak season cherries. Well, that's what we've done this year. So to be confident you'll have all the best quality produce for Christmas, come to Coles. VOICEOVER: At Specsavers, you can get two pairs of glasses for one low price. And for a limited time, you can have one pair of prescription sunglasses and a second pair of glasses from $199. Specsavers. Changing the face of optometry. Welcome back to 10 to One, as we reach our number one. And it's dedicated to the most powerful man in the world - Mr George W. Bush - and the missing connection between mouth and mind. In order for us to get the...the... ..the framework, the groundwork... ..not framework, the groundwork, to discuss a framework for peace, to lay the...alright. Bumbling in to number one, it's Bushisms - those brilliant blunders from George Dubya, which would be funny if only he wasn't running mighty America. I can't believe you can be the leader of the Western world and not be able to speak. I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully. Sometimes the strings get confused... (JABBERS NONSENSICALLY) ..and the jaw one starts moving before he's actually got anything to say. I asked Americans to give 4,000 years... ..4,000 hours over the next... ..of the rest of your life. Fool me once, fool...fool...fool you. It says, "Fool me once... "..shame on... "..shame on you." Fool me...can't get fooled again. Idiot! It'll take time to restore chaos. (SCOFFS) I mean, spectacular. You couldn't script something better than that. Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning? Bush is an idiot. I think everybody knows this. His IQ is in minus figures. "The enemy is never, uh, never, ever "stops thinking about ways to harm, you know... "..harm America and our people." They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people and neither do we. (SCOFFS) What? Look, I...the problem is that if he wasn't so frightening and dangerous he would be, like, working at children's parties. George W. Bush - leader of the free world. Hmm. Well, that's all for tonight's look into the funny side of politics.