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Ten Late Night News -

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(generated from captions) Hello, I'm Kathryn Robinson. Welcome to Ten's Late News. This program is captioned live.

Now we're all stumped - its tour of Australia? has India suspended Thousands to be trapped for days. the damage bill surges. As the floods ease, at risk of catching fire. Massive recall - 86,000 Holdens

Sports Tonight with Neil Cordy. And cricket in crisis headlines Thanks, Kath. has overshadowed India's threat to suspend the tour final session with a thigh injury. Matthew Hayden missed the dramatic officially calls it quits. Cats premiership player Nathan Ablett And surface tension -

into the Plexicushion debate. Lleyton Hewitt refuses to be drawn cricket in confused crisis But first - and unfair play. over claims of racism suspended its operations in Australia Indian officials saying its team has What is known for sure:

is holed up in a Sydney hotel, tonight, the Indian team

until the mess is sorted out. ordered not to move The Indians' tour of Australia this morning didn't appear to be in jeopardy the suspended Harbhajan Singh, when the team, including boarded a bus for Canberra. how your feeling today? JOURNALIST: Can you tell us remained in the Sydney hotel, However, the Indian captain with team management locked in discussion over the future of the tour. to stay in Sydney We have been instructed by the BCCI until we get further instructions. Two hours later, and returned to their hotel rooms. the players got off their bus on Singh's 3-match suspension pending an appeal made to Andrew Symonds. for alleged racist remarks The board will appeal to the ICC of the match referee, to review the decision till the appeal is disposed of. and suspend its operations But, just minutes later, this. of the tour, or anything like that, There's no talk of any suspension as of now. The Australian team showed its frustration today,

about any tour cancellation. refusing to talk to the media That was left to the captain. think is appropriate at the time a little bit extreme, I must admit. but, for me, that would be that emotions are still running high It's understandable in many respects

after a match like that. It's deteriorated quite quickly, and get the tour back on track so hopefully we can repair it being played. and get some good cricket targeting the Australians, In India, crowds haven't been of match officials. instead burning effigies Josh Murphy, Ten News. And coming up in Sports Tonight, over injury and umpiring. more on the cricket with concerns by floodwaters Thousands of people trapped could be left stranded for days. are starting to subside tonight, And while the rivers in northern NSW the damage bill is set to surge. Coraki residents made the most of it. With little else to do, these young Floodwaters cutting off the town,

stranded. leaving around 1,500 residents to get to the front door Locals even finding it hard alternate methods to get around. as many were forced to find it could get worse. And there are fears

It's been slowly coming up all day - then we'll have to evacuate. if it comes any higher Destroyed all my stock, for a couple of years, I'd say. so, yeah, put me off Authorities say before the town's accessible by car. it will be at least two days effected areas, The NSW Premier toured disaster zones declaring two more districts with the damage bill already more than $20 million.

isolated There are still many families are getting food and water to them. and the emergency services cut off for up to a fortnight. Some of those families could be including 1,000 at a music festival. More than 3,000 are stranded, The SES coming to the rescue. and food and blankets. They're bringing us water residents also remain cut off. In Queensland, livestock, crops and fencing. This farm one of many to lose after coming through a drought It's just rough and get this on top of it - to the other. it goes from one extreme to offer assistance. The Federal Government on stand-by anything but paradise And the Gold Coast looks like

after weekend storms Mignon Stewart, Ten News.

with CommSec's Juliette Saly, To finance news now and Juliette, on a major sector of the stock market those floods could cause a big impact which took an almighty tumble today.

raids. It is not known how many

claims will be issued but it could

impact the bottom line. The market

tumbled by 2.3 %. Financials were

the hardest hit with fears the US

is heading to recession. Are

panicking too early close Mac. The

Federal Reserve and has cut

interest rates which is alleviating

some pressure. There is still a

chance that the US will heading

into recession. If that happens,

Australia is in a good position for

a knock-on effects. East the Ryde

in crude oil prices forcing Qantas to make an unpopular decision.

Qantas will increase the fuel surcharge from 17th January. There

Sydney will add seven-$25 to fares from

Sydney to London. Domestic fuel

surcharges and will remain the same.

It was not a popular decision.

Qantas shares slumped today. They

finished lower by 3%. Thanks, Juliette. points at the closing bell. The All Ordinaries was down 145 the NAB the worst off among them. The big banks were hit hard, also took a hammering. The global miners

among the many other losers. Woolworths and Telstra

are being warned Thousands of Holden owners of catching fire. their car is at risk current model VE Commodores Holden is recalling 86,000 as well as WM Statesmans. in the engine bay could spark a fire. It's feared a fuel leak 53,000 of the cars are in Australia, Zealand, the Middle East and Brazil. the others have been sold in New

But it's not all bad news for Holden. They've achieved a major record best year ever for car sales. with 2007 proving Australia's has never been stronger, Australia's new car market the industry achieving record sales. One million new cars in a country of 21 million people. the best-selling vehicle, The Holden Commodore was named Australia's top-selling make. while Toyota was crowned product goes, As far as locally manufactured we've had our best year in the history of manufacturing product in this country. Prius, the hybrid car, has proven a popular choice as more people move towards environmentally friendly motoring. And while small cars were most popular, the bowser hasn't steered buyers away from petrol guzzlers. After dropping back by 5.2% in 2006, SUV sales last year rose by a staggering 16%. buying up on new cars? Increased imports and a booming labour market are making new vehicles more affordable, with predictions the trends will continue this year. But the big four car-makers are facing pressure from higher interest rates and a strong dollar. As the Federal Government prepares a review of industry policy, manufacturers are calling for further tariff reductions and financial assistance. The export earnings, alone from this company,

would more than offset the taxpayers' contributions to the support the industry currently receives. Ellesa Throwden, Ten News. The Federal Government has ruled out setting up a billion-dollar compensation fund for members of the stolen generation. Aboriginal leaders have renewed calls for 'sorry' money to be paid. But acting Prime Minister Julia Gillard says while the Government will give a formal apology it has no intention of paying for the mistakes of the past. The Rudd Labor Government has made its views very clear - there will be no national compensation fund. Instead, she says the Government will focus on health, education and reducing the life expectancy gap between Indigenous and non-indigenous Australians. Despite running weeks late, Australia is about to start its spying mission on Japanese whalers in the Southern Ocean.

But the whalers are returning fire, via YouTube. It's the latest shot in the war of words over the Japanese whale hunt. A video labelling Australians as wildlife culling racists. The unattributed propaganda piece pulls no punches - accusing whaling opponents of kangaroos and dingoes back home. of ignoring the cruel culling Such a video, an anonymous video, or the Australian people from a very strong view that whaling should cease. It's really a distraction that's being served up by a small group of whaling proponents. While the Government remains undeterred it's been forced to explain why a Customs vessel sent to keep tabs is still sitting in Fremantle despite promises it would scramble for the Southern Ocean a month ago. All of the decisions that were made in respect of the 'Oceanic Viking' have been made on the basis of maximising the potential for 20 days of successful activity. Greenpeace says every day its departure is delayed is another opportunity for the hunt to go on unchecked. back on the Japanese and they may potentially not take some of the endangered species

like the 50 fin whales they're proposing to take. The Government promises the 'Oceanic Viking' will leave on its 20 day spy mission this week. Greenpeace is demanding it remain there until the Japanese ships return home. Gerard Scholten, Ten News. Police hold grave fears for the safety of an Australian man missing at sea for seven months. The family of the inexperienced sailor says

the world was a lifelong dream. his solo voyage halfway around It's been seven months out of Honolulu, bound for Melbourne since Neil Qualtrough sailed solo of seeing him alive and his family's hopes are starting to sink. that he'll come home, I'm always hopeful ..I guess it's quite unlikely now. but don't know what...

had been in Hawaii for six months The 64-year-old Melbourne man working on his new passion - the 'Pasado Manana'. the 40-foot sailboat for the Pacific islands In early June he set sail seen or heard from since. and hasn't been

impending sense of doom I guess I had this from a very early stage. Despite the involvement and Interpol, of US and Australian authorities his whereabouts remain unknown. that he was travelling alone It is believed and had minimal sailing experience. Neil Qualtrough's failure to log a travel route means the search area stretches across a large section of the Pacific and those that have done the crossing before say it's a lot of ocean with a lot of possibilities. I know two people that have had incidents hit by ships. means 'the day after tomorrow'. The boat's name, 'Pasado Manana', Sarah Qualtrough now praying to get news of her father before then.

Andrew Leahy, Ten News. survived a 15m fall from a cliff. A 4-year-old girl has miraculously to her face and a fractured eye, Jasmine Dayment suffered severe cuts landing on rocks below. when she rode her bike over the edge, on the Yorke Peninsula. She'd been holidaying with her family as she fell. Her father watched helplessly I was inside cooking dinner, doing the barbie, my husband was outside howls of anguish. and I just heard him screaming, at the time. Jasmine wasn't wearing a helmet to close a deep cut on her head. She's undergone plastic surgery After the break - is being blamed why Prince Charles' wife for problems on this cruise liner. for king of the dinosaurs! There's a new contender Mega Spinosaurus! Look out for its spine! It's a mega battle of the giants! Come on! Show me some spine!

Mega Spinosaurus, T-Rex and other dinosaurs, each sold separately.

This program is captioned live. A new book claims Nicole Kidman feared Scientologists would blackmail her, about her sex life. A British newspaper has revealed biography of Tom Cruise Andrew Morton's unauthorised church had a so-called "audit tape" includes allegations the secretive sex life. with details of the Aussie star's be leaked to stop her speaking out She was reportedly worried it would after she split up with Cruise. Princess Diana's biography. Andrew Morton also wrote in the US next week. His Cruise book will be published it's "a pack of lies" Tom Cruise's lawyer says and the star won't be reading it. is heating up The US Presidential race in a final TV debate with the contenders battling it out before the New Hampshire primary. for Hillary Clinton, The stakes are high Barack Obama in the polls. the former first lady now trailing for the presidential hopefuls, There's no time to rest especially for Hillary Clinton, the Democratic candidates collapse who's seen her substantial lead among in last week's Iowa caucuses. since Barack Obama's win A loss in New Hampshire, the presidential nominating process, a crucial stage in

her White House bid. could all but end to like Obama more. MAN: Where they seem Well, that hurts my feelings.

in an otherwise heated debate. It was a light moment on a promise of change, I'm not just running I'm running on 35 years of change. On the attack, for the former first lady. Senator Obama was the obvious target against the Patriot Act. You know, you said you would vote and you voted for it. You came to the Senate against funding for the Iraq war. You said that you would vote You came to the Senate of it. and you voted for $300 billion that we don't do What I think is important each other's records. is to try to distort between Republicans too. There were fiery clashes Baptist preacher turned politician Mike Huckabee,

who won the Iowa caucuses, isn't expected to poll as well evangelical voter base. with no strong is leading the field, Instead, Senator John McCain Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. ahead of Mormon and former in any way rewarded... I said they should not be Are they sent home? Are they sent home?

Clashes that haven't necessarily I won't decide until the day I vote. Yeah, I'm undecided.

won't stop until voting time. And that means the campaigning Nicole Strahan, Ten News. In the United States, Farmers angered by recent changes to be genetically modified, that allow crops are considering legal action. the decision smacks of a conspiracy They say but others argue there are benefits. of Wayne McKay's property, On the gold-tinged plains an easy process, the wheat harvest has been because there's not much of it. He hopes genetic modification - in December - approved by the State Government for producers. could be the start of a new era a more drought-tolerant wheat For Australia, in our rural areas. would make a big improvement will be canola, The first grain available but not everyone's happy about it.

determined to get this through The biotech companies were they're going to get out of it. because of the returns that

Arthur Bowman has been growing canola for four decades and says the new technology costs more with no guarantee of higher returns. And there's also the potential for the loss of world markets because of health fears about GM food. No matter what side of the genetically modified fence farmers or politicians are on, all agree there's a challenge ahead, and that's to persuade increasingly savvy consumers that the new technology is as good as the traditional. The customer is right, GM wheat. and that's why they're not growing than what it's replacing. It's been shown to be safe or safer that will be played out That's now a battle across the country. in supermarket trolleys Josh Murphy, Ten News. been hit by the "Curse of Camilla". A luxury British cruise liner has Queen Victoria less than a month ago Prince Charles' wife launched the didn't smash. but the champagne bottle The ship returned to Southampton a highly contagious vomiting bug. with 170 passengers suffering from the superstition The epidemic fuelling if the bottle doesn't break. that it's bad luck Neil Cordy is next with sport

in the world of cricket. and Neil, a dramatic day one as big as this. Kath, it's hard to remember India's tour of Australia is in doubt

3-match suspension for racial abuse. pending an appeal against Harbhajan's Plus - Brad Hogg is now in the firing line with the Indians lodging an official complaint that Hogg abused Indian captain Anil Kumble. After kicking three goals in last year's Grand Final Nathan Ablett has quit the Cats.

And Australia's newest world surfing champion, teen sensation Sally Fitzgibbons. See ya. MAN: Need a cab, sir? No, I'm right, thanks. Cheers. doin' nothin'... # SONG: # I wasn't Catch you, Johnny. (Laughs) # Yes, what is it # I'm supposed to have done? # Hey... # Every police car is a mobile RBT so if you're worried about getting breath-tested, you should be. SIREN WAILS # Better get a lawyer, son # You'd better get a real good one... # This program is captioned live. Welcome to Toyota Sports Tonight. Cricket is facing one of its biggest crises in recent history with the remainder of the Test series in doubt. hold pending the outcome of an appeal Indian officials have put the tour on against Harbhajan Singh's for racially abusing Andrew Symonds. The bags are off the bus. India directed to stay in Sydney by the Indian Cricket Board until the fate of Harbhajan Singh is decided.

The Indian board does not accept the findings of the match referee the unfair decision and has decided to challenge to suspend Harbhajan Singh as it deems it blatantly unfair. Harbhajan was suspended for three games for allegedly calling Andrew Symonds a monkey, accusations both he and the Indian board vehemently deny. The Indian board realises the game of cricket is paramount but so too is the honour of the Indian team and for that matter every Indian. To vindicate its position, the board will find it a blatantly false and unfair slur on an Indian player. They've also lodged an official complaint of their own against Brad Hogg for allegedly abusing the Indian captain, Anil Kumble. But today he was tight-lipped. I've got nothing, mate, nothing. Nothing to say at all? Nah. The bitter feud taking the gloss off one of Australia's most remarkable victories in Test cricket history. COMMENTATOR: He's gone! It's over! Clarke's done the damage. Australia win. A record-equalling 16th win with just nine minutes to spare and no-one wanted to bask in the glory. Sorry guys, we're not doing media today. Sorry guys. I'm not obliged to comment on it. We'll leave it at that, aye? Just go away, I'm not talking to you. Matthew Hayden missed the dramatic final day with a thigh injury and remains in doubt for Perth, giving him extra time to catch up on his other passion. I'm going to go fishing. marring the Sydney Test. Racial taunts not the only issue India's journalists pointing the finger directly at Ricky Ponting

for unsportsmanlike behaviour. If you are actually questioning then you shouldn't be standing here. and his decision to stand his ground A questionable Clark catch to me. Well, it looks as if it's the pad with the ICC They are lodging a strong protest the incompetent umpires so that some of in the rest of the series. do not umpire The ICC is refusing to buckle. the third Test. Steve Bucknor will umpire destined to be played with fire. An encounter that if it goes ahead is plenty of fuel for the faithful. Harbhajan's suspension providing point of view So you just go by two people's for three Tests. and you ban a person

You stamp on that man. I believe there are a lot of grievances to be had from the Indians' point of view. Scott Mackinnon for Sports Tonight. Geelong's premiership defence has suffered an early blow with Nathan Ablett officially cutting ties with the Cats. The reigning champs confirming the youngest Ablett won't be part of their 2008 campaign. After a few weeks of reflection Nathan Ablett is sticking to his preseason guns and walking away from the game.

AFL football for the time being. I've decided to take a break from the passion and the commitment I feel as if I don't have at the highest level. to continue on playing a campaign to change Ablett's mind, Despite team-mates launching he was content to bow out Grand Final goals as his swansong. with a premiership and three

from football for now. I'm planning on getting away on playing at the VAFL level. However, I may look to continue point in time there's more to life He obviously feels at this the passion's not there. and as he said, And what Bomber also said with anything, was if the passion's not there in chasing it. there's not much point

he comes back We're hoping that one day

and that one day is pretty soon. Chris Judd took part in all training For the first time at Carlton, almost three months after his groin operation. He runs the park by himself and he runs 10.30. The boys are just gobsmacked that he's doing by himself and straight after training where sometimes they have a break and run it in a group where people can drag them along. So I think they are in awe of what he does around the place but I think they're learning from him as well, which is fantastic. last year, Stung by a fitness reality check ticked all boxes this preseason. the Bulldogs are confident they've You know, we had 10 weeks - than we were supposed to we started 2 weeks earlier and they've worked extremely hard. and the players agreed to that The hard work paying off in Sydney too. slow start in recent seasons The Swans confident their traditional

could be a thing of the past. before Round 1 There's still a lot to worry about our physical preparation, but in terms of we'll be a fair bit ahead in the last couple of years. of where we've been

for Port Adelaide And good preseason news best times in a 3km time trial. with half the squad running personal Dave Adamson for Sports Tonight. A week out from the Australian Open, of questions and Lleyton Hewitt is already tired about the tournament's new plexi-cushion surface. After campaigning against the old Rebound Ace, Hewitt says the new surface is not an issue.

Now, before the blue base has even been road-tested, Lleyton Hewitt says he's sick of talking about it. At the moment... ..you gonna keep asking this week?

But the issue won't be going away any time soon has been far from convincing. and Hewitt so far, or medium slow, I wouldn't say it was medium fast

it's probably medium. than the US Open. It's definitely a little slower from his 12th Aussie Open campaign, A week out admits and the only realistic local hope he still has some finetuning to do in Adelaide - after struggling with his serve just 33% of first serves were in. in one match, on the other side of the net, I was doing everything right a bit more comfortably. just had to hold my service games Hewitt opens his Sydney campaign tomorrow. Peter Luczak has been eliminated. Already, The Aussie wild card took control... before the experienced Frenchman Oh, spectacular pick-up. COMMENTATOR: ..Luczak dropping the last six games. In Melbourne. Maria Sharapova was unusually camera-shy. I'm not doing any interviews. I'm sorry.

Arriving amid tight security, the Russian glamour hoping to erase memories of last year's nightmare final - she was quickly out on the Plexicushion. Her 2007 nemeses, the resurgent Williams sisters, earlier sharing a sparring session. And comeback mum Lindsay Davenport is also in town

after yet another title win. with an astonishing 18-1 record The 2000 champion from having son Jagger. since her unexpected return Kelli Underwood for Sports Tonight. champions the Bryan brothers Defending Australian Open doubles

on another Grand Slam title. have their sights set revealing The world's best doubles combination an interest in tennis. they share more than just Bob and Mike, The jetsetting Bryan twins, for the Medibank International, in Sydney for another Australian Open. en route to Melbourne how to pack light. It's lucky the brothers know We share clothes he'll just pack a bag for himself and usually at home

so that pisses me off a little bit. instead of packing for the team, We shouldn't share clothes any more, you know. We're 30-year-olds and we're still sharing underwear!? C'mon man. The Californians will be chasing their third successive Aussie Open crown and their 45th career title. They're quickly closing in on the record 61 mark held by their Australian heroes the Woodies. in our sport - the doubles - That's probably the best record and we've looked up to them and those two are a class act so it will be pretty much a thrill as the Woodies. to even be in the same league their doubles domination in 2007 The Bryan brothers continued and a historic Davis Cup victory. claiming 11 titles, COMMENTATOR: And here they come - heroes all over the court. The Americans ecstatic. the moment we look back on forever. That moment will probably be

the big Davis Cup back there We actually had with beer, coke - and we filled it up off the buffet - we had a ham - people were pulling stuff from this huge cup. and everyone was taking shots It was gross. And as for the trademark chest bump? but we gotta keep doing it. It's a little gay (laughs)

you can't say that. You can't say that on TV here, Andrew Brown for Sports Tonight. Australia has another world surfing champion. Teen sensation Sally Fitzgibbons took out the World Junior Championships at North Narrabeen this afternoon. The 17-year-old was the form surfer of the event, dropping this perfect 10-point ride in the semis before smashing past New Zealand's Paige Hareb by nine points in the final. I'm just stoked. I don't know what to think right now.

it hasn't sunk in yet. I'm just, like, But yeah, all the girls are surfing really well

and I just can't believe I won it. I'm so stoked. officially crowned Fitzgibbons will be Stephanie Gilmore and Mick Fanning alongside Aussie world champs on the Gold Coast in March. at an award ceremony conducted his first training session New Socceroos coach Pim Verbeek has on December 6. since taking on the job watching as many A-League games After spending the last month

as possible, of local players Verbeek named a 22-man squad with Graham Arnold's Olyroos, who combined for a 2-day training camp in Sydney. with this foot, I have to turn. When I touch the ball The Dutchman remains noncommittal he will use about the number of A-League players in the World Cup qualifiers To the FA Cup and Arsenal has avoided becoming another Premier League casualty, with a 2-0 win over championship club Burnley. Eduardo da Silva scored one goal and set up another as the 10-time champions moved through to the fourth round. COMMENTATOR: Nicholas Bender, the Danish international, has probably sorted this one out for good. Meanwhile Liverpool was held to a 1-1 draw by League One battlers Luton. Having taken the lead in the 74th minute, from defender John Arne Riise an own goal minutes later ensured a replay at Anfield. In other games this morning, Fulham and Bristol Rovers drew 2-all, as did Derby and Sheffield Wednesday, while stoke and Newcastle played out a scoreless draw. Milwaukee Bucks to a 4-point victory A hot Andrew Bogut has led the over the Charlotte Bobcats in the NBA. The Australian centre netting a season-high 25 points in the Bucks' 93-89 victory. COMMENTATOR: And now Bogut - yes! Bogut is averaging 12 points and 9 rebounds a game this season, but despite his efforts, the Bucks still remain Conference's Central Division. on the bottom of the Eastern Grant Hackett has unleashed yet another impressive swim his Victorian championships. to round off Hackett had a comfortable win tonight in the 400m freestyle final - to show his Beijing campaign is well on track. He intends on swimming the 400m, 1,500m and 10km events

at the Olympic Games. Liesel Jones had a comfortable victory in the 100m breaststroke While Jodie Henry saw off a challenge from Alice Mills to win the 50m freestyle, after American star Natalie Coghlan pulled out. The first racehorses effected by equine influenza are preparing to return to the track in Victoria. The State's Harness Racing board going to extraordinary lengths, to ensure the best field is available for the March showpiece, the Interdominion. Welcome to camp quarantine for harness racing's finest. Behind the fences and barricades, there's temporary stables, yards, and security guards on every corner, ensuring a bunch of racehorses on the mend remain healthy ahead of the sport's biggest prize. Well, what our staff have been able to do is create the opportunity for these horses to get here and participate. So that's the big plus for the industry which really needs a shot in the arm at the moment. 16 horses in all, 8 from Queensland and 8 from NSW, have benefited from the base. After a crippling time, it's the lifeline many in the industry so desperately craved. I'd sort of almost given up hope, you know, and then when HRV came and saw us, and sort of gave us a bit of hope, it was great, yeah. The nation's number-one pacer now has a chance for a slice of Inter Dominion history. All 50 of Natalie Rasmussen's stable were infected with the virus. Now her superstar Blacks A Fake is recovered, and is the favourite for a third straight title. He wouldn't be here if he wasn't ready to go. He got over it very well, I only brought him back back in to work when he was telling me he was ready to. When he started to run around the paddock and being an idiot, and hurt himself, that's when he come back into work. The Inter Dominion final is on March 1. Tim Hodges for Sports Tonight. centenary season continues, The build-up to rugby league's with some of the games most revered names returning to the scene of their greatest wins. Representatives from the six remaining foundation clubs meeting at the SCG. Norm Strong and Sid Ryan played in the days when what happened on the field stayed on the field. You never went for a bloke's head - that's the hardest part. You never hurt a bloke up in the head. You could have bloody fooled me! 86-year-old Sid in fine form as he helped launch rugby league's centenary year. Among the old-timers, 84-year-old Wally O'Connell - he's the oldest surviving Test captain, but still the butt of Sid's jokes. Where's the fella with the crane? We'll never get him up. There'll be three games played this year here at rugby league's traditional home, but the old players say there's really no going back. The game has changed way too much. In a sense, it was survival of the fittest. you couldn't go off the field. If you can knock off having a game of football till 4:00 in the morning it's pretty easy, and then lay in a spa bath, Where we'd have to get up at 6:00 to go work. So, fellas, what did happen on the field all those years ago? There was no dirty play. Not in our day.

You got sent off for talking. Leanne West for Sports Tonight.

The meal was spectacular - the meat tender and juicy, the salad crisp and fresh, the vegetables firm and tasty. Unfortunately, the tea towel was dirty, the cutting board unwashed, the fridge stacked incorrectly and not cold enough,

which made the night... PERSON VOMITS ..unforgettable. This program is captioned live. Play of the Day and check this out for a goal in the Spanish La Liga. CROWD ROARS Valmiro Valdo with a remarkable back-heeled volley. The goal helping Espanol to a 3-0 win over Villarreal. So for his incredible instincts, this former Real Madrid youngster wins our Play of the Day.

Before we go, big news in tennis.

Roger Ferrer has pull that of the

key on Classic. He has a tummy bug. The weather. Thick cloud around the Gulf of Carpentaria and north Queensland from ex-cyclone Helen is bringing heavy storms and rain areas. Bright storm clouds are building over south-east Queensland and north-east New South Wales in very humid and unstable conditions, bringing locally heavy downpours. Moist onshore winds will bring showers and storms to north-east NSW and south-east Queensland. Ex-tropical Cyclone Helen will cause heavy storms across northern QLD. A trough along the west coast will move east, bringing a humid change and triggering thundery showers inland.

And these pictures are hot off the satellite - Prince William undergoing pre-training flight tests. He's doing a 4-month stint with the RAF to earn his wings, training on helicopters and fixed-wing aircraft, just like his father Prince Charles. And that's the latest from Ten News. The Early News tomorrow is at 6am. I'm Katherine Robinson, from the Late News team, goodnight. Supertext Captions by Red Bee Media Australia. www.redbeemedia.com.au

ALARM CLOCK BEEPS GENTLE MUSIC you can make breakfast at McDonald's

CICADAS CHIRRUP 'SHAMBALA' BY THREE DOG NIGHT PLAYS SONG: # Wash away my troubles # Wash away my pain # With the rain in Shambala # Wash away my sorrow # Wash away my shame # With the rain in Shambala # Ah ooh ooh ooh yeah # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # Ah ooh ooh ooh yeah

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # Everyone is helpful # Everyone is nice # On the road to Shambala... # (Grunts) Shit. # Everyone is lucky # Everyone is so kind # On the road to Shambala # Ah ooh ooh ooh yeah # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah # Ah ooh ooh ooh yeah # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# I can tell my sister # By the flowers in her eyes # On the road to Shambala # I can tell my brother # By the flowers in his eyes # On the road to Shambala # How does your light shine # In the halls of Shambala? # (Grunts) (Screams) MYSTERIOUS MUSIC MAN: Mm-hm. I see. Is that right? Well, have you ever seen 'Starlight Express'? WOMAN: Daddy, of course I have. I mean, let's face it, it's no 'West Side Story'. I don't know what kind it was. It was a mix. PHONE RINGS There's English, there's red nose, there's Staffordshire, there's all kinds. That's what she says - it was a long-haired pit bull. There's no such thing as that. That's what I'm saying. One of you guys gonna get that? I'm not attacking, I'm just... No, no.

..working this out. Carlucci. (Sighs) One sec. Feege, you got a call on two. Are we OK here? Because it's just that... Absolutely, Tony.

I might have to do it all over. Lieutenant Gruber speaking. Lieutenant? How can you say that? Rita Moreno was fabulous. At least she wasn't on rollerskates. You making fun 'cause I like 'Xanadu'? What? Lucinda just called.

Let me call you back. OK. Mm-hm? You know Mona Dearly? What about her? She was proceeding southbound on Route 9 when apparently her vehicle was involved in a 2-11-07. (Sighs) 2-11-07. What? She drove into the river. She's dead, Wyatt. Oh. 'IN THE SUMMERTIME' BY MUNGO JERRY PLAYS

SONG: # When the weather is hot # And touch the sky # You got women... # (Cat miaows) # Go out and see what you can find # Take her out for a meal

# Just do what you feel... # So, what happened to your hand? Oh, this thing? It's nothing. You know, what are you going to do? What did you say your name was again? Maria Lasala. Oh, that's a nice name. Thanks. So, what? Are you married or something? Maybe. SONG: # Life's for living Yeah, that's our philosophy # Dee dee dee dee dee... # She's 13, man. Yeah, finally. I'm picking you up tomorrow at 9:00. For what? What do you mean for what? For work. 9:00? That's early. Yeah, but it's Carlssons. So? It's Carlssons Nursery. I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute. I'm saying, Carlssons Nursery's gonna make us a lot of money. This is... it's gonna save the business. I get half. I know. And none of that 50% bullshit. SONG: # Bring your friends and then we'll all go into town. #

MACHINERY WHIRRS That's it. (Grunts) What do you think? Should I do the yellow apple six report or the yellow apple seven? What's the difference? Well, the yellow apple six involves water. Well, Feege, the car is submerged in water. What do you think? Let's go with the yellow apple six. Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, Feege. She's dead. Thank you, Dr Schwartz. JAUNTY MUSIC Ah, there he is. Here they come. (Whistles) So, er, you want to tell Jeff about his mom or do you think we should? Yeah, that's, er... We'd be more than happy to do it, Phil. You know, it's just that coming from you it may cushion the blow. Being that, you know, he's your son and... Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it. Oh. Right. OK. OK. We can do that. Do you wanna...? I could do it if you... I could do it. Who's gonna do it? Jimmy's gonna do it. Yeah. Yeah, I'll handle it. OK. I got it, Phil. Oh. Hey, Jeff, er, I'm afraid I got some bad news. How are you doing, Bobby? Hey, where's my car? It's a little more serious than your car, Jeff. Hey, Bob. Would somebody mind telling me what the hell's going on? Listen, I'm afraid... Your mother was in a car accident. I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff.

She's dead. What was she doing in my car? JAUNTY MUSIC (Hums) Hey. Where have you been? Oh, listen, you've got to talk to Murph.

We were going over the menu and I mentioned the boneless chicken and he's, like, "Boneless? You never said you wanted boneless." I'm, like, "Hello! You don't serve chicken bones at a wedding." God forbid someone chokes to death. It will cost an extra five bucks a plate - $500 just to get rid of the bones. Like, we got that kind of money. Bobby, what's wrong? Mona Dearly's dead. What? You're kidding me. No. I mean, yeah. I mean, no. No, she's...she's dead. Oh, my God. What happened? It was just a car accident. On the road, I guess. Well...we gotta celebrate. (Giggles) What? God, Ellie. Jesus, she's a...she's a human being. "We gotta celebrate"? Have some respect. I don't gotta have respect for no-one in that family. Bobby, think about how they've treated you. How'd they treat me? Badly. They're horrible people. They're a house full of freaks. Hey, check it out, how fast I'm doing this, man. Cut it out, would you? But, Ma, I'm on a roll. Look at it. Doof, doof, doof, doof. Cut it out, you shit, or I'll kill ya!

Alright. Jeez. Now, about the name of this business. You given any thought to it yet? Well, I thought we should call it, you know, BJ Landscaping. (Laughs) (Phil laughs) BJ? (Laughs)

I don't get it. Well, you know, 'B' for Bobby and 'J' for Jeff. You know, BJ Landscaping. Well, I think JB has a nicer ring to it. Besides, you don't want anyone going around calling you Blow Job Landscaping, do ya? Ah...no. What if we call it JP's, right? I mean, that's good. JP's ain't an option, Jeff. Well, how come, Smarty-Two-Shoes? 'Cause his name don't start with P. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. What's that, Mr Dearly? Did you say something, Phil? JEFF: You gonna contribute? Yeah, Phil, what do you think about what's going on? Well, I think that's, er... ..whatever...you two decide is, er... Alright. Thanks, Mr Dearly.

For what?! He didn't say jack. Why are you kissing his ass? I wasn't kissing his ass. Thought you were done kissing ass.

I wasn't kissing his ass. You were, totally. Kiss-ass. Look at the little kiss-ass. (Makes kissing noises) You disgust me, you little kiss-ass. Get out of my sight.

She deserved it. I bet property values go up. So, you gonna fire Jeff?

What? No. Why would I want to fire Jeff? 'Cause you've been wanting to for years. No, I haven't. I stopped wanting to fire him a long time ago. Well...what about him killing the Schneider dog? He didn't. That was an accident when he killed the Schneider dog. Bobby, he ran over it with a lawnmower. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it now. The guy's mother just drove off a cliff. Yeah. Too bad Jeff wasn't riding shotgun. (Laughs) (Sniggers) That would have been funny.

SONG: # Woke up this morning

# I suddenly realised we're all in this together # I started smiling 'cause you were smiling # And we're all in this together # Yeah # We're all in this # We're all in this together # In this together # We're all in this together. # Take a ride through Spin City, the ultimate place to keep your car in top performance. Start with a spin through the car wash. MAN: Awesome paint-job! Test the bounce in your sound system and you're ready to roll. Take the elevator up to test your road-handling. Then you control the gearshift... MAN: Race ready. Goin' up! ..on the Spin City motorised lift where you rise up and then speed down the the Spin City spiral ramp. Spin City Playset with motorised

Cars and batteries not included.

Ever so gracefully, the yellow Yugo, sort of floating, was almost slow-motion-like and it did a swan dive right into the river. Swan dive, huh? Well, it was tragic and frightening, yet beautiful in an obtuse way. What did he say? Clarence? Hmm. He said she drove into the river. Oh. You know, Feege, I was looking around up top and there is something very odd about this. What's that? There are no skid marks. She never hit the brakes. You know, we should do some checking to see if she suffered from any medical conditions, like, er, narcolepsy or something. Could have been Barstein's Syndrome. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, she was a lousy driver. It probably caught up with her. You knew her pretty well, didn't you? Our paths crossed time to time. Juliet Echo Papa Hotel. SIREN WAILS You had that thing with her a while back. Bit of an altercation between you two.

Let me see your hands!

(Slurs) Why'd you pull us over, Feege? Let me think about that, Mona. A, you're riding on rims, and B, you just went 2,800 on an officer of the law. And C, what the hell's the matter with you, Jeff? Oh, boy! Ow! Look what you did. I didn't do nothing. You scared him half to death. He's drunk! No, he ain't.

Get out of here, you jerk! (Groans) That's OK, baby. Everything's OK. Mommy's here now. It's OK, baby. You're gonna pay for this, Feege. You just lost your long-service, pal! It's a real shame. Him and Bobby did a fabulous job on my place. So, what do you think, Lucinda? I think she took a turn for the worse and broke her stupid neck. A fitting end to a less than laudable life. I'm talking about the car. I'll have her fixed in no time. No, Lucinda...

Look, dude, if somebody rigged it, you'll know. I'm counting on you, alright? Alright. It'll cost ya. You gonna charge him double? You know it. 'SURE AS I'M SITTIN' HERE' BY THREE DOG NIGHT PLAYS

SONG: # Get up # You get down # You get lost and then you get found

# Sure as I'm sittin' here # You get a laugh # You get a cry # Get 'em all before you die # Sure as I'm sittin' here

# All the ladies # Hypnotise you # And all your friends Well, they just patronise you # Don't gotta look for God # He's just sittin' here # And I think he's got a plan # But it's not too clear

# Come on, sit down, get down

# Sure as I'm sittin' here. #

DOOR CLOSES She's dead. I know. I can't believe this. I mean...it's just... Man, I mean...

This is it, right, Rone? I mean...this is it. I don't like it one bit, Phil. What's the matter? I have to ask you something. I want you to be honest. Sure. What? Did you do it? Did I do what? Did you kill her? No. How could you ask me that?

It looks suspicious, Phil. It was an accident!

It was good luck. Good luck doesn't happen to us. Good luck happens to Madonna. Tony and Jimmy D said it could have been slippage on the road or something. I don't know. Sure. I don't know. They're gonna find me at the bottom of the Hudson. Don't talk like that, baby. Don't talk like that. 'Cause if you're down there, I'm down there. Mm-hm. I'll go down with the catfish. Phil... I'll swim in the...

Phil... Phil... Yeah? Are you OK? I'll live. ROCK MUSIC No bacteria. Honest.

I am a priest. A priest? A priest? You can't cut me off. Padre, stow it. You're breaking my concentration, for crying out loud. Look, threats notwithstanding, alright? Cut the sermon and just give me a goddamn beer! Want me to squirt you in front of God? Hey, Murph. What's all this about the chicken? Chickens? We've got bigger fish to fry, pal. Get your ass over there. Come on. Tell me you didn't do it, Bobby. Do what? Mona Dearly. What do you mean? (Laughs) Come on, they were killing your business, Bobby. That whole family was ruining your life. No, they weren't. They weren't ruining anything. I didn't do it. Are you crazy?

There's a lot of people that wouldn't blame you if you did. Come on, Murph. Jesus Christ. Alright, I'm just...I'm just doing the big-brother thing, you know? I'm just...I'll back off.

Guess who got in an altercation last night. Who? Valerie Antonielli. Big talk from the big man! Where's Bobby Kalzone when you need him? Are you gonna friggin' hit me? Ow!

Come on, she's a girl. We don't let her get slapped around like that. What's the matter with you? She's the one who wanted to be a landscaper.

So sue me. Alright. Um, Murph, so, what's up with the whole chicken thing? Can you help us out? Bobby, look, if you want somebody to sit there and yank the bones out of 100 chickens, it's gonna run you money. Alright, you're my...you're the best man at the wedding. I'm not making any money on this wedding.

No, and you're my brother. Can't you do a brotherly deboning or something? What's the...? OK. How long is this gonna go on? Hmm? I'm fronting you for your business. I'm helping you with your wedding. Last year I declared you as a dependent on my taxes. Look, I'm having a hard time at work right now and I'm a little bit short-handed with Jeff. Well, maybe due to the untimely demise of Mona Dearly

you can finally get rid of that one-armed-bandit partner of yours.

(Laughs) Bobby, come on...I can't... I can't...carry you like that. Alright. Wait a second, I have to close the door. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready. You're no fun at all. ANSWERING MACHINE: You have one new message. WYATT: Hi, honey. It's your old dad calling. Just wanted to see how plans for the big day are shaping up. I thought we could hop over to the diner for some breakfast. Tomorrow's no good, but maybe Saturday, OK?

Say hey to Bobby. Be good.

BEEP! What do you think he wants? I don't know. It sounded pretty cryptic. Something about breakfast Saturday. Hard to say. Honey, what's wrong? Nothing. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

Holden's 60th Anniversary

from just $13,990 driveaway.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC (Sings) # Up a lazy river where the robin's song # Awakes the bright new morning # We can loaf along. # (Sighs) Hi, Jeff. I just thought I'd stop by and pay my respects.

Your dad's not home, is he? Nope. Oh. I know this is trying times for the two of you. (Burps) Do you want a beer or something? No, thanks. You don't happen to know where he went? Oh. Um...Jeff... ..did your mother suffer from any medical conditions you might know of? I think she had a personality disorder. No, not necessarily like that. It's...it's just there are some aspects to this accident that, er, just... What? You think someone killed her? Yeah, well, I didn't do it. I never said you did. But if you were to know if somebody had a grudge against her or... ..something like that, you know... I don't want to point any fingers and whatnot, but Bobby Kalzone did it. Bobby Kalzone? I find that hard to believe. Bobby's such a sweet kid. He doesn't have a violent bone in his body. See how Peaches feels about that. Peaches? Yeah. The Schneider dog? Yeah, with the lawnmower. Neee. Oh, great job with Peaches, there, Bobby. Oh, drop dead, asshole. But, Bobby, that poor little dog. "Poor little dog." It was in the way.

You were the one chasing it with the lawnmower, not me. It got in the way. Yeah? Well, now we lost that account. Alright, blame me like you blame me for everything else. I don't care. Hey, you killed Peaches. I would have fired us. Is that a first-hand account? Like, you never killed a dog!

Keep that up and we'll be finished. How you gonna take care of Ellen? "Take care of Ellen." Ellen freakin' Schmellen. Honey, I hate to see you guys...

What did you say? I can't hear you, Mrs Dearly. What? What? WHAT?! You're hurting me! One step closer, Jeff, and I swear I'll tear out your friggin' ovaries. Don't speak to my boy like that. Mrs Dearly, your boy has the IQ of a garden pest. And so do you, you dumb wench! Hey, Bobby, I don't think... What? You don't think? That's your problem, Phil - you don't think! You don't think! Now, I've had it. I can't take it anymore. Especially you, Mona Dearly.

What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means. You know what it means! Arggh! He said... .."ovaries"? Oh, yeah. All the time. And he threatened your mom's life?

Why didn't you report this? 'Cause everyone threatened her life.

Ovaries. (Lucinda sings) # Oh, Mona Dearly # She took a turn for the worse # You know, she swam with the fishes # You know, she dug in the dirt # Why did she have to die, die, die? # Oh, why did she have to die, die die?

# Oh, why did she have to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-die, die? # Oh, Mona Dearly... # Catchy. Hey. Hey. That was nice. Oh, thanks. How's that daughter of yours? She's great. Thanks for asking. Yeah? Wedding plans going smooth? Like silk on glass. Alright, I want you to take a look under here. OK, if somebody were to sabotage the brakes... If? If. It's a conditional clause. If. Like I said, if somebody were to sabotage the brakes, he's got two options. He can be smart and puncture a hole in the brake fluid tank or he can be a total freak and cut all four of the brake lines. I'll show you. These here are the brake lines. They've all been cut. Yeah, total freak. Well, that rules out an accident. Hey, hey, slow down, pal. We're just getting started here. Alright, now... You know what this is? Lucinda, I don't know shit about cars. That's the brake fluid tank. What's that hole? That's a hole. So, I figure the perp used some kind of sharp instrument - a screwdriver and all, what have you - took it, drove it through the tank with a hammer - just bam, bam. Now, see this? This here? Fetzer valve. I'm not familiar with it. Nor should you be. It serves no purpose whatsoever. So, what's the problem? Somebody poked a hole in that, too. Is that bad? This car was done to death. "Done to death"? Mmm. Fixed to kill. "Fixed to kill." This was no accident. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

(Reads) "Sorry to bother you. "I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic..." "Hi, Jeff and Phil. "Really sorry to bother you..." "Hi. Sorry to bother you. "Listen, I just wanted to express my sorrow over the loss of your..." Hey. Mr Dearly. I just wanted to, er, express my sorrow over the loss of your tragic loved one. My "loved one"? Hmm. Your wife passed. Oh, yeah? Who'd she pass? Hey. What do you want? Bobby came by to express his loss over our sorry loved one. Yeah, I ain't working today. Oh, no, you shouldn't work. You're definitely on grievance leave. And I'm just coming by to say that I'm really sorry. If that's what you want to tell yourself. If you ask me, he sounds broken up about it. I mean, look at him. No kidding. Alright. Listen, Bob, if you're tormented by this, you should come by the funeral home tonight and have a full release. We're having one of them wake-and-bake services. OK. Yeah, sure. I'll come by to Cubby's. You do that, you little kiss-ass. Make sure you wear them kiss-ass shoes. And that landscaping kiss-ass T-shirt.

I'll mow lawns, trim your hedges and kiss your ass. (Both laugh) There he goes. Yeah, yeah, look at him. Little hesitation before the kiss. Careful. Oh, don't kiss the dog's ass. WHIMSICAL MUSIC All he talks about is the cost of the wedding and how Jeff's ruining JB's. I'm worried about him, Dad. It's like he's obsessed. I'll talk to him, see if I can help. No, no, it's alright. You've already done enough. You know, this is gonna sound terrible, but with Mrs Dearly dying this is the first break he's caught in a while. Hey, folks. Hey, Rone. So, shame about Mona Dearly, huh? I mean, so young. Tragic. It's taken everybody by surprise. Yeah, poor family. So, what can I get you? I'll have the usual and a cup of joe. You, hon? You want the heart-attack special, just like your daddy?

The vegetarian plate. Back in a jiff. A box of meat for my wedding gift, like I'm registered at a deli. Hey, what about 'Ice Castles' for a spotlight dance? You can't go wrong with 'Ice Castles'. (Giggles) That's what I was thinking. It looks like there's gonna be an investigation into this thing. This wedding of yours is all anybody in this town's talking about

and the fact that you two even considered having me there - well, forget about it. Yeah, well, me and Bobby really want you there, Rone. Oh. Well, I just want you to know it moved me.

Down deep. Really moved me. Good. Good. Well...enjoy your meal. So, where was I? You said you were gonna investigate.

Right... (Sighs) ..what I was thinking was... Goddamn it, don't give me that shit, Phil. I am not overreacting. He was there, he was talking to Ellen. Oh, come on, sweet nipple. Don't "sweet nipple" me, Phil. We got nothing to do with it. I'm dumping her stuff. What's that have to do with anything? Why are our prisons so overcrowded? I don't know. Too many criminals? Wrongful imprisonment, Phil. Erroneous convictions.

11% of all inmates currently serving time are counterfactually incarcerated for crimes uncommitted. Did you see Tom Selleck in 'An Innocent Man'? Was that with Kurt Russell? Rash is asking a lot of questions about all of you. I don't like what he's insinuating. Relax, Vanna. He's just doing his... Hi, Phil. Oh, shit. Rash is here. What? I gotta go. CLICK!

Hey, Chief. Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time. No. I was just getting ready for Mona's wake. How you doing? I'm fine. That's a really nice picture of you two. I can't tell you how sorry I am about Mona. She was a passionate and committed woman.

This is probably the exact wrong time to ask you... No. Hey, whatever I can do to help. I mean, you know me. I'm a team player. I need to ask you a couple of questions about your wife. Oh, yeah? What about her? THUNDER CRACKS

Phil. Phil, sweetie, you got a minute for me? FAINT YELLING ON TV

Phil. Honey, they're looking for the shooter. Get in here, Phil. You should have seen this guy taking pot shots. He looked like Father Tom. Yes, dear? Where were you this afternoon? (Stammers) Where the hell were ya? I called the warehouse. You were MIA. Are you sure you had the right number? Oh, boy. Who is she, Phil? Er, who's who? What's her name? Er, sweetness... Oh, Jesus. You could have hurt somebody with that. I don't want to hurt someone, Phil. I wanna hurt YOU! What's gotten into you? You. You don't find me attractive no more? Of course I don't...do. You got something going on, don't you, Phil? Don't you? You've been playing 'Wheel of Fortune' with someone else! (Whimpers) Don't tell anyone, but, er... ..I was a battered husband. Er, Phil, that was the Wednesday night prior to the accident. That's right. At no point during the evening did you leave the house? No, I was watching TV the entire evening. What about Jeff? Him and Mona had a fight earlier that night. Oh. Do you recall what was said? He said she was an embarrassment to the family and then took off. The kid was lit up like a damn Christmas tree. I've never seen him so drunk. CAR APPROACHES MYSTERIOUS MUSIC (Sighs) Hi, Bob. (Nervously) Yeah. Yes? Bob... ..I was talking to Ellen earlier and, er... ..she told me you were worried about your finances. And, er, I just... You know, you and I are practically family now and, er, you shouldn't have to bear that burden alone. If ever you want to talk or get something off your chest... I appreciate that. Just...just imagine that you're Annie and I'm Daddy Warbucks.

Daddy Warbucks. Yeah. You know, or I'm Auntie Mame and you're little Patrick. Huh? (Sighs) Well. Now, tell me something, Bob. What did you think about Mona Dearly? Mona? She was, er... She was the worst person I ever knew, I guess, in my entire life. How you doing, Mrs Dearly? I just came to give Jeff his pay. How come you're all dolled up? I'm taking Ellie to dinner theatre. Come on. What you gonna see? 'Oh! Calcutta!' Yo, give me my money. Look at this guy. Yo, what is this? Trying to say this is what I busted my anus for? For $287.50. It's always $287.50. Mom, he's totally trying to rip me off. You holding out on us, Kalzone? Where's the rest of it? It looks like he's wearing it. Yeah. Nice shoes. (Mona laughs) This is a joke, right? YOU'RE a joke. You guys are kidding, right? Kidding? You feel like laughing? Laugh at this. Hey! GLASS SHATTERS Yeah, kick his ass, Mom. Yeah. Get in there. Hey, what are you doing? Get out of there.

Take it out of Jeffrey's pay! Yeah. What are you doing? Let me go! God, this is... I mean, enough's enough. All I ever wanted was a professional business so Ellie and I could have our... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this is? This is the world's smallest tambourine and it's... ..and it's playing some sort of song. Shut up, shut up! That's a violin, you asshole. Give me that thing. I think it's time we started talking about dissolving the business.

I mean, nothing personal. It's a business decision. Don't even think about it, scumbag. As I see it, you've got two options - buy us out or pray for an early death. Yeah, get out of here. Go enjoy your dinner theatre. But she probably had her good points, too. Well, most people have two sides.

Yeah, well, she just showed me the one.

SONG: # Woke up this morning # I suddenly realised we're all in this together

# I started smiling 'cause you were smiling # And we're all in this together # Yeah # We're all in this

# We're all in this together # In this together

# We're all in this together. #

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER (All laugh) Oh, hey, that Jeff Dearly, man. What about him? You gotta hand it to him. (All laugh)

Hey. Hey, Jeff, what's your handle? (All laugh) Jeff...hands up. (All laugh)

Hey. Hey. Speaking of which, guess what I heard. JAUNTY MUSIC

Arggh!

That's not a logging accident.

What's the difference? What's the difference? Why? What did you hear? JAUNTY MUSIC (All laugh) Arggh! What about the fishing accident? JAUNTY MUSIC

CRUNCH! Are you serious? See? Wow. (Plays untunefully)

It's a terrible loss.

(Sings) # What a void in my life. # OK. Alright. Father Tom...it HAS been difficult. (Emotionally) Father Tom, it has been difficult. It's been really hard. (Laughs)

Hey, Jeff, come on. We don't want to miss this. Let's go. Yeah, alright. (Three Dog Night sings) # Well, I never been to Spain # But I kinda like the music # Say the ladies are insane there # And they sure know how to use it

# They don't abuse it # Never gonna lose it # I can't refuse it # Well, I never been to England... # What's wrong? Nothing. What did your dad want to see you about? Nothing. He just asked me some questions about Mrs Dearly. What about her? What kind of questions? Just about the accident. What does he think? He doesn't think anything. Oh. You'd tell me, right, if he said something? For Christ's sakes, Bobby! (Sighs) Alright, I'm sorry. I don't care. I don't why I'm asking. I just...with Jeff not at work, you know, I'm sure it added up. Just...really tired. What did you want to talk about? Forget about it. Do you imagine the Dearlys were like us when they were our age? Er... No, she was always fat.

(Snores)

(Grunts) FINGERNAIL CLICKS Yo, what time is it?

Er, 8:30.

Jesus, I'm dying over here. Keep in mind we're remembering a lifetime. Yeah, alright. 10 more minutes, then. STOMACH GURGLES Oh, to hell with it. Let's go. MUZAK PLAYS Hey, Cubby. Me and Jeff don't think there's much point hanging out, you know. In...in my experience, wakes aren't very well attended. I found that often times... the tragedy's so recent that... ..that loved ones are...in effect paralysed... ..by their grief. Hey. Hey, listen. Who are we kidding, huh? No-one's gonna come - not with the game on. Oh, shit. I've got money on that game. Yeah. You and everyone's mother. (Laughs loudly) BELL RINGS (Clears throat) Hey. I thought you were coming by. Yeah. You know, yeah. Um...hey, Jeff. Yeah, hey, Rone. You know, I can't say your mom was good people...

Are those pies fresh over there? No. Hey, Phil. Hey, Feege. Shame about Mona. Well, hey, you snooze, you lose. Hey, guys. How you doing? Alright? Bonsoir. Bonsoir. Yo, can we sit down, already? Yeah. Just take that booth over there. Thanks, babe. What? (Gladys Knight sings) # It's sad to think # We're not gonna be here... #

Good evening, friends. Oh, Jesus, Cubby. Hey. You've got, um...you've got, um... You've got nice pictures in here. I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah. Where is everyone? Jeff and Phil are at the Palace getting some grub. Ah. If you care to view the deceased...

Sure. Wow. Yeah. She looks so peaceful. (Chuckles) In death, one finds serenity. I guess. (Sniffs) CAR APPROACHES CUBBY: Beautiful. Dynamite stuff. SEXY MUSIC PLAYS That's fantastic. DOORBELL CHIMES (Woman clears throat)

Hey, Wyatt. Hey, Cubby. Some turnout. Yeah. Yeah. So, who showed up? Er, Jeff, Phil. Bobby and Ellen stopped by about an hour ago. Otherwise it's just been me and my dinner date. (Laughs falsely) Tell me something, Cubby. You notice anything odd lately? Other than the fact that no-one cares about this woman's death? Along those lines. Hell, Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine. UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER Who says you can't catch nothing in the river? People, we're talking about a fellow human being here. LAUGHTER AND LOW-LEVEL CONVERSATION (Laughs) Feege is right. Course I'm right. We should show some respect. Jeff, why don't you say a word?

Jeff. Huh? Jeff, why don't you say a word? About what? About your mother. Alright. To Mom. I mean, yeah, she was kinda mean, but she was still my mom. Someone had to be. (All laugh) LAUGHTER CONTINUES MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

Alright, everybody, let's hear a nice round of applause for our final contestant, Mona Dearly.

APPLAUSE Alright, nice grouping. Nice grouping. Hey, everybody, give her another round of applause. Now we await the judges' decision. Judges are deciding who will win the coveted golden angel. The winner of the Verplanck knife-throwing contest is... ..Bobby Kalzone! Oh, my God. APPLAUSE I've never won anything. Just a goddamn minute! You didn't vote for me. Sorta. What do you mean, "sorta"? They all say Bobby. Really? Phil, you're my husband. You're supposed to support me. Bobby had really good form, though, hon. Thanks, Mr Dearly. You're welcome, Bob. Mona, we're just having some fun here. Fun? I lost, Wyatt. I'm a loser. Does that sound like fun? Well, Mona, I'm sorry that you lost, but... Yeah, it's just a lousy little contest. I know. Everybody can't be a winner, Mona. I've never been a winner. I've never had my chance. You're blowing this out of proportion. It's just knife-throwing. Yeah, to you, maybe, but not to me. I really wanted this - just for one day, one day, to be a winner, to have everybody look at me and say, "Yo, way to go, Mona." Would it have killed you to let me take home that prize? Just for one day to let me feel good about myself? I, er...I don't know what to say. Mrs Dearly, you can have the trophy. I'm not having a second chance. You take that trophy and shove it up your ass, Kalzone. Oh, Mona. Bobby's just trying to help. I don't need his sympathy. You know, my mother used to say, "Life gives you potatoes, make potato salad." Life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to make with that? Shit salad? STIFLED SNIGGERING Just shut up. The whole pack of youse, just shut up!

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

(Men speak indistinctly and snigger) ALL: Shh! Feege. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Feege, come here. Look, I've been thinking... Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't. Listen to me. Just listen to me. Jeff Dearly's key chain is on a rack in his kitchen. Great, wonderful. But where SHOULD it be? I've no idea. Tell me. Hanging from the ignition of the victim's car. Well, what about Mona's keys? That's what I'm saying. Mona's keys are on Jeff's key ring in the kitchen. Jeff's keys are on Mona's key chain in the car.

So, what - somebody's switched their keys? Definitely. No, no. I don't think so. Oh, you don't think so?

Wyatt, Wyatt, as far as I'm concerned, ding-dong, the witch is dead, end of story. PAPER RUSTLES

Ah, one less ain't gonna kill her. It's kind of weird, you know, seeing the tombstone and all. (Reads) "Demoted wife, mother and dressmaker". I didn't know your mom was a dressmaker. Me n