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The Chaser's War On Everything -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) Tonight's episode

containsernestness, Howard jokes

usual humiliation of receptionist containsernestness, Howard jokes the

and patchy material that viewers

find disappointing. and patchy material that viewers may

This program is captioned live.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Right across Australia,

very big hello and welcome to the Thank you. Right across Australia, a

War for another week. What a bloody

war it's becoming. I almost feel

like we're out of a job this week.

Who needs us to wage war on John

Howard when Costello is doing such

good job of it himself. Costello Howard when Costello is doing such a

been very professional about it and good job of it himself. Costello has

he got back to preparing the 12th

budget immediately. I saw that gsh

there's some big spending

on some personal items for himself. there's some big spending allocation

Even though the two of them hate

each other, they have to go through

the motions of having this

working relationship: The spin the motions of having this wonderful

doctors have been working overtime

of the two men looking happy

together. I thought this was over

the top. As was this one probably.

This one was quite realistic, I

thought. Now I know why Costello

smirks so much. Did you see Japan

still hoping to push ahead with its smirks so much. Did you see Japan is

slaughter of whales despite failing

to overturn the moratorium? It's

slaughter, it's scientific research. to overturn the moratorium? It's not

slaughter, it's scientificarch? What are they research?

slaughter, it's scientificarch? How What are they research? How to slaughter, it's scientific research.

What are they research? How to kill slaughter, it's scientific research.

el Whales. I'm a big supporter of

yappian. I am very proresearch.

Sometimes you need to kill the

you love to understand it a bit Sometimes you need to kill the thing

better. Ambassador, welcome here.

Just wondering to further

relationships between Australia and Just wondering to further strengthen

Japan, would you agree that we will

be able to kill a couple of

people for research purposes? be able to kill a couple of Japanese

To further understand Japanese

people, we've done a lot but if we

were able to kill a few of them we

might be able to understand more

about their pregnancy rates or

feeding pat yearns. Not you, we're about their pregnancy rates or their

not suggesting to kill you -

Maybe some endangered Japanese

people. He didn't say no. I

hear a definitive no. With the people. He didn't say no. I didn't

ambassador's tacit content, it was

time to get myself a harpoon and go

out in search of some Japanese

people.

Research. Now mori? Can I Mori you

for research purposes? No. Like

harpoon.

You didn't die. How am I going to

learn about you? For research

purposes! You want to show me how

do it. I am not very good at it. purposes! You want to show me how to

You I've got the harpooning

experience, yes.

I will get you! (Screams)

Come on in to the soccer store,

our end of season no-one gives a Come on in to the soccer store, it's

shit anymore sale. Bring your truck

and your strailer and bring the wag

on you've fallen off. Interest

have been slashed to zero. Look at on you've fallen off. Interest rates

this rubbish - nobody wants it

anymore and we have to shift a

overfly of the stupid car aerial anymore and we have to shift a giant

plates. Look at this rubbish nobody

wants it anymore. We have to get

of a massive oversupply - I'm the wants it anymore. We have to get rid

surprise spruiker. You don't want

me? No.

Now, you might recall a few weeks

ago I decided to start issuing some

random fines and tickets to people

that I don't like. What did I do

wrong? This is for being a parking

inspector. And wints it went to air,

we've got a few let relevance from

people saying it's unfair to pick

people when they're doing their job, people saying it's unfair to pick on

except for parking inspectors.

There are plenty of other people

piss me off and deserve an There are plenty of other people who

on-the-spot fine. Even down in the

ABC car park. Not having the guts

publish Jonestown and sucking up to ABC car park. Not having the guts to

your Liberal party matings. That's

$90 fine. I still haven't paid - your Liberal party matings. That's a

they still haven't paid it. I've

into the spirit of issuing tickets. they still haven't paid it. I've got

When I think about it, there's

another class of people on our

who annoy me even more than parking another class of people on our roads

inspectors. I'm the citizens

infringement officer. I am giving

you a ticket for being an obnoxious

tool. What does your plate say?

That means you're a wanker mate,

that's ?100. We are booking wanker

numberplates. That's a try hard

numberplate. I came with the car.

We didn't need to be told it was a

BMW. That's a $100. Personalised

numberplate and an extra $50 for a

daggy name. Try hard spelling, $150.

Pulp 1, both pretentious and

confusing. That, my friend, is $100

fine. I am giving you a ticket for

driving a vol voe. I am the

citizens infringement officer, I am

giving you a ticket for being a

wanker. What does that say? DRIF 7

N. Is that trying to say drifting?

Yes. That's a wanker numberplate,

that's $100. Are you fucking

serious, man? Yes. You take that

good advice, drifting. What:

What are you going to do? Book you.

You don't have any powers. You

have any fucking hair, mate. I'm You don't have any powers. You don't

just doing my job. That's another

fine. Ripping up my ticket, that's

$200.

The Cup may be over but for the

generation of Australian players, The Cup may be over but for the next

the journey is only just beginning.

And among those hoping to follow in

the foot steps of Tim Kay hell and

Harry Kewell are these brothers.

I think being Quinn up thelets

joined at the shoulder never gave

a chance until they saw how we joined at the shoulder never gave us

defended. The five rathers train

seven days a week, a punishing

fitn't schedule that includes

weights, aero aero becomes and

plenty of ball work. They started

their careers as mid-fielders.

And it wasn't until five years

that coaches realised their real And it wasn't until five years later

talent was keeping goal. But even

being Quinn up thelets does have talent was keeping goal. But even so

disvantion. It gets a bit tricky being Quinn up thelets does have its

sure. Most of us like a good

rest before a game. Whereas Chris sure. Most of us like a good night's

likes to go a little bit harder.

And even though many believe the

brothers could be the secret weapon

Australia needs, not all the Quinny

roos themselves share 2 green and

gold dream. I personally can't

soccer. I'm in model trains but, gold dream. I personally can't stand

what could doi? I didn't have the

numbers. Remember these faces.

Africa in 2010, here they come. numbers. Remember these faces. South

Now, as a lounge singer, I am

ex-trily disappointed politicians

want to ban the tour of death metal

group Cannibal Korms on account of

their lyrics being too violent. I

disagree, take a look at them.

The lyrics aren't the problem, it's

the music. So in case they can't

tour I've created a lounge music

arrangement using the actual words

to their song Ranceid Amputation.

(Sings) # Ripping through flesh is

what I do best, tear off an arm,

amputate a neck, eyes removed

cranium smashed, decomposing

cranium smashed, decomposing remains severed in half. Torsos hang from

their own intestines, ripped off

their own intestines, ripped off all body extensions, stumps riding with

infection, suckering a ranceid amp

amputation. My muscles tight yevern

as I feel the rush, I look at your

korms starting the rush, internal

rot beginning to clot. I will

swallow your pus baa da, baa, da,

baa da. Suffering a ranceit,

suffering a ranceid, suffering a

ranceid amp telecommunication.

Carving out your eye balls, watch

them steer, car shop hack, shove

them steer, car shop hack, shove the entrails into a sack , dying slowly

never to rest, nerves are quivering

as I rip, removal of life on the

blade of my knife and now my very

favourite lyric of all - rape the

limbless cad Avenuer. - cadaver.

Now, we've been following the saga

of Jonestown which is the

unauthorised buyiography of Alan

Jones and which the ABC decided not

to publish at the 11th hour last

week. For purely commercial reasons.

In fact there was such a

commercially sound decision the ABC

lost money on the book. They lost

$50,000 advance just for paying

Masters to bring wri the thing.

But my question is just because the

ABC wouldn't run it, would maft

verse more luck getting this book

out to the public on another

station. Like? 2 GB? We decided to

ring up Alan Jones himself to see

ring up Alan Jones himself to see if I could read out slabs of the work

live on his breakfast show. Neil,

hello.

What was all that about?

Unbelievable.

Before we get into it, we have an

urgent update about youth going

wild. Forget about your out of

control teen blings, the age of

Creans is getting younger rments.

The township is at mercy of youth

gang, including children as young

gang, including children as young as six years old. We have live vision

of this town in crisis and it

doesn't look good.

Also in brief'A Current Affair'

taught us about os cessive

compulsive disorder. What will you

catch off the seat do you think?

Germs, contamination, things that

will make me sick. It's very hard

will make me sick. It's very hard to fathom that disorder. Where do you

think that girl could have gotten

such ideas from? Helen's sink

recorded 1.5 million bacteria. This

sink was worst - 1.8 million

bacteria. After today's lesson,

neighbours from hell. One thing

neighbours from hell. One thing that amazes these about these reports is

the sheer bravery of the reporters.

Forget the reporters in Afghanistan,

these guys go after lethargic hoard

relevance, they confront old ladies.

Have you got something to hide?

They don't do it just once but over

and over again. Frirns, this is a

report from January fr when an

accentric old lady's behaviour

forced a guy to pack up and move

house. Thisis the wait's been on

Sydney's northern beaches for too

many years. Bye, house. It's

many years. Bye, house. It's very dangerous driving while playing the

bango. The U-but the fact that guy

moved away and the story was over,

that was no reason to tleefr woman

alone and it's no reason 'Today

Tonight' can't use the same footage

of the same man and same neighbour

to rehash that story in May. Stop

spitting on me. And yet again in

June. Five whole months after the

conflict had been resolved. The

funny thing about bad neighbours is

they only ever move into paradise,

not any old where. Thatis the case

where at the movies moved next to

us. There's an idyllic office where

peace reigned and all was well with

the world, until he moved in next

door.

Get away. I will kill you! Get away.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Four stars.

I disagree, 2 .5. Enough of crazy

pensionerks let's move on to the

other kind of neighbours from hell

story, massive beat-ups. Some of

these stories attain almost news

worthy proportions. How would you

feel if your neighbour started

building a megamansion next door.

It'snot just a mansion or a

It'snot just a mansion or a towering mansion but a towering megamansion.

How big do you reckon it was It's a

metre higher than it should be.

Now the beat-ups don't end there.

This next chap was put out by his

neighbour who was feeding these

noisy birds. They weren't birds.

Imagine your backyard constantly

ungulfed by the piercing screams of

a hundred tiny jet engines. And

a hundred tiny jet engines. And that was a an understatement compared to

this lady's argument... ,no it

wasn't an argument. It's just

erupted into World War III. It was

a major international confliths.

Apparently fought in the air by

hundreds of tiny jet engines.

For those of you keeping track of

your world wars, this was World War

I, this was World War II and this

I, this was World War II and this is World War III. You did start it.

That's Tammy Gilchrist over there,

never done nothing. Lest we forget.

But despite all appearances these

neighbours from hell stories much

more than an excuse to beat up on

the fragile and vulnerable. Naomi

was sense nif one report. We ask

was sense nif one report. We ask you not to blame the people in these

circumstances because a lot of

circumstances because a lot of these res dens are in need of a lot of

support and they're not getting it.

But we asked Ask you not to Plame

Naomi Robson for that completely

understandable error.

Obviously a homosexual. Ferlt

double enand theries, that wiectd's

a double en-Sandras. I've just

a double en-Sandras. I've just been to the bakery, would you like to

feel my warm buns? I will give them

a squeeze. ,no my butt objection.

This is the British sitcom. Is that

a picture of your arse? No, this is

a picture of my a.sz Going down?

I certainly am! Comedy at its most

literal, Friday at 10:15 on ABC.

Shall I perform kuny lingus.

And in other news this week at

network 10 revolutionised

network 10 revolutionised television with the new show Honey We're

Killing the Kids. They have this

compute they're can predict how fat

and ugly your kids will be when

and ugly your kids will be when they grow up. We managed to get a hands

on the software here. If you put me

in here, this is what I look like

when I turn 70. Oh my God! Thanks,

mate. That's really interesting

because when I try the computer I

get a slightly different result.

Very handsm. Let's try Chaz. Chaz

Very handsm. Let's try Chaz. Chaz in 50 years. Let's see. Very similar

sense of humour. Meanwhile after

Italy's World Cup win, passionate

Socceroo fans have claimed the

Socceroo fans have claimed the World Cup victory as our own given we

Cup victory as our own given we were cheetded out of the victory by the

Italy. So we went down to the

consulate to claim our fightful

prize. Do you have the World Cup?

You must have it in here, we want

it. That is a penalty. That is a

red card, my friend.

We just won the World Cup. Please.

You saw it, didn't you? Please!

You must have seen the penalty.

I can't stand ni. How can we have

the World Cup?

Get out of here. It's OK. We will

beat you in 2010.

I know how to start it, but what

about fucking stopping it. I've got

this one over here. Fucking useless

bloody things.

Yes,time once again for another ad

road test, seeing if the claims

road test, seeing if the claims made on TV stack up to life. This week

George drew our attention to the

nation-wide campaign for Coles

supermarkets. Coles laid off 1,000

jobs this week despite Lisa's

jobs this week despite Lisa's decent boast on the ad. Sometimes life is

so busy that we forget to celebrate

what's important. For Coles it's

what's important. For Coles it's not only about creating jobs... Hang on,

can we go back to that graphical

sign for a second? I think we might

need to change that now. That's

better. Back to our road test.

better. Back to our road test. Lisa McCune makes many claims in these

ads but the claim George wanted us

to test was this one - Coles is

listening, Coles is listen, really

listening. Coles is listening.

They're really listening. Which is

great news because it's very hard

great news because it's very hard to find a good listener these days.

But are Coles' listening skills all

they're cracked up to be? Just how

good at listening are they?

Especially when you're in the 12

items or less queue? One answer I

was waiting for - that remind me,

the flowers I'm just so a-allergic

to them all the time. You know what

it's like. My email, it's a funny

story that, he insisted on a pink

tie my uncle Peter so we had to get

a white tie and dye it pink to keep

him happy. He's a crazy guy. A lot

of people say I'm a lot like that

guy from Police Academy. So listen

to this - (Squawks like a crow

intraks it's important because she

hant seen her niece. I have all

these people weight. That's fine.

She broke her leg. I have the

She broke her leg. I have the X-rays here. I can't - I have to serve

these people. 55 cents thank you

these people. 55 cents thank you sir or I will call security. I am in a

huge rush. 55 cents. That's why I

want to show you. I can help you

want to show you. I can help you get out there quickly. You don't want

out there quickly. You don't want to listen? I can't listen. Look at

these, there's nothing wrong with

that brain, and they say they have

brain problems. I don't know what

that is. I will go for Australian

Idol this year, so listen to me

Idol this year, so listen to me sing and see what you think. (Sings) # I

believe I can sing, and it will

believe I can sing, and it will open every open door, I believe I can

fly, I believe I can fly # Sorry,

she's just listening to me. Next.

I can do other sings. (Sings) #

I can do other sings. (Sings) # When a hero comes along. # You should

listen to this, Aaron plays

Carlingford, and Aaron plays plump

Carlingford, and Aaron plays plump I think theton. This is a street

directory, Aaron Place silver dale.

There's only 26 more letters to go.

I've still got B through to Z.

Excuse me. I haven't got to the end

of the page yet. That's

extraordinary. Very disapoimenting.

Talk about misleading tigz. A lot

Talk about misleading tigz. A lot of these ears looked very closed to me.

That was Chas at his most interest.

It seems once again the ad has

failed the test. The advertisers

have lied to us. I haven't given up

yet. Just because the checkout

yet. Just because the checkout staff and security guards are not great

listeners, doesn't mean the rest of

the company is. So I decided to go

to the very top itself. I mean Lisa

McCune herself! Just broken the

button on my jacket. I only got my

jacket two weeks ago so that is not

an appropriate lifespan for a

jacket. Talk as we walk. Doyou

jacket. Talk as we walk. Doyou think you can sew something there. If you

get a needle and thread in here I

will fix it for you. I dro have a

meeting: It 's more than a button.

I've got my cat scan, I was a

telemarket and I got a real

telemarket and I got a real headache you know what they're like, they

just go on and on and on - I will

just be a minute. And there's

nothing you can do so I said to the

telemarketer I have a headache I

just don't want to listen to -

just don't want to listen to - which reminds me of a joke about

telemarketer. So when I got my

jacket. Stand up for a sec and let

me have a look at. I find my jeans

very contricted. Your socks are

very contricted. Your socks are too fight tight tlai. Far too tight.

I want to talk to you about that as.

We Now, listen, Lisa McCune you

really really listen. She did

listen to you. She was a damn site

better from the checkout staff.

Maybe she should be put permanently

on the till, like she used to be.

Absolutely flat out, not surprising

show with cash cuts like these and

our cash back policy. That's it

our cash back policy. That's it from us tonight. Have a great weekend.

us tonight. Have a great weekend. We will catch you next week. Goodnight.

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