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The Hamster Wheel -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) Gruen Planet, so many ways to

play.

That's all for tonight.

Please thank our panelists.

Russel, Rebecca, Tim

We'll leave you with another candidate for worst product of all time.

With only a couple more

weeks to go the series winner

will take home the Gruen Golden

Steak Knives which are this

week in the back of Qantas the

limping kangaroo. (Laughter)

Can't do that to a national icon. What's that

Skip? (Laughter) You're going to fly Virgin? (Laughter) This week's worst product,

hard to go past Halloween 2011 for throwing up racist and

inappropriate costumes

including the cartoon Mexican

with donkey, the adult Eskimo

and the carefully titled World

War II evacuee. That's Anne

Frankly offensive. Our final choice, however, has nothing to do with pointless bum related product

that promises efficiency but

looks like it would make the

whole bathroom experience messier

messier than ever. We do,

however, love an ad that uses random toilets as set

decorations. See you next week.

I'm excited to tell you about a breakthrough in

personal cleaning. Our name

says it all. You will feel

fresher and cleaner after you

go to the bathroom using aah.

Simply splay Aah on our dry

alternative to dry tissue and

west wipes. The foam moistens your tissue and makes you as

clean as you can be. You get

300 applications. Compared with the seven containers of wet

wipes it would take to wipes it would take to get the

same number of applications.

We guarantee it will be love at first wipe. Closed Captions by This Program is Captioned

Live. APPLAUSE

Welcome to The Hampster Wheel

for another week. Fantastic to

have you with us. I am feeling

good about this week. As luck

would have it I was on

Dunaden. Well done, you backed

a winner. No, I said I was on

it literally. I had to ride him

down to Melbourne because there

weren't any bloody Qantas

flights. What a week it was for

Qantas CEO Alan Joyce. Let's

look at him. The face that

stopped a nation. As you can

see from the photo, he's the

only person in the world who is

still happy to fly

Qantas. Let's walk you through

the crisis. As far as I can

make out, Alan jos is blaming

the dispute on the tree

unions. Yes, he's furious with

the tree unions. By leaders of

tree unions. The logging

industry, I knew it. At least

Alan Joyce, to be fair, was

honest when he explained who

the Qantas staff were locked

out by. One turd of the Qantas

work force. You're not just one

turd Alan, you're the top

turd. Not since Ralph Fiennes

has someone screwed Qantas like

that. Qantas is losing money,

this year alone, the profit

only went up to half a billion

dollars. The poor things. The

Qantas management is

understandably keen to cut the

costs by moving jobs offshore

into Asia. I can see the logic

of that. Surely Qantas could

find a cheaper CEO in Asia. The

unions say safety could be

compromised by moving jobs

offshore. They have a good

point. The last time Qantas

hired a foreign pilot the

results were terrible. This is

your Captain speaking. Still

getting over that. It is the

Qantas children's choir I feel

most sorry for. They faced jock

lock-outs which is a

devastating result for them and

a worse result when you see who

their replacement is. I take it

you would like me to sing. No!. This decision by

Alan Joyce on Saturday night to

ground the entire fleet was

seen by most as a pretty

extreme measure. According to

Channel Nine's Simon Bouda it

wasn't as extreme as it could wasn't as extreme as it could

have been. Planes that are

currently in the air will

complete their sectors. That is

right he could have shot them

down. Small moments. The

grounding decision left the

passengers stranded and as Nick

Marshall-McCormack from Channel

Seven said. Most passengers are

extremely furious. They were

furious. Here is a sample of

the extreme fury he felt. We're

annoyed. I am going to be

struck in Brisbane for my

birthday. I wish I booked with

Qantas, I don't want to go

home. Feel the fury. While

many were left angry. Greens

campaigners like Al Gore

praised Alan Joyce for doing

more than any other airline CEO

to reduce carbon

emissions. Since the grounding

I have found it hard to stay

carbon neutral. I was supposed

to fly to Perth but because the

flight was cancelled I have

carbon credits I had to run

down five trees in my

four-wheel drive to stay carbon

neutral. You had it easy. I was

on the tarmac about to take off

when word came through of the

groundings. Problem was I had

already taken my sleeping pill.

When I had to head back into

the terminal, I was completely

zonked out of it. I didn't know

where I was. It was a total

embarrassment. As the chaos worsened Julia Gillard sent the

dispute for an emergency

hearing to Fair Work Australia.

Although Qantas were actually

pushing to have it heard at

Fair Work Vietnam. The ABC's

Heather Ewart seemed to think

that it would take place at

Fair Work Siberia by the look

of that. Good on the ABC for

having reporters on the spot

everywhere. Kylie Simmons is

out Fair Work Australia. Bring

us up to date. After five hours

no decision yet. Kylie doesn't

seem to have a lot of

information. That might be

because she was standing

outside Fair Work Australia in

sneer while the hearing was

taking place in Melbourne. She

couldn't get a flight there to

be fair and I'd taken the horse

down. The Qantas saga caused no

shortage of headaches for the Gillard government and on top

of that they're copping heat in

the parliament over the burning

question of coal seam gas

mining or fracking as it is

sometimes known. It is looming

as a tricky one for the Government. Broadcaster Alan

Jones has been vocal about this

and it is one of the rare

issues he and I agree on. Alan

an I could finally work

together if I used his rants.

A new battle going on in the

bush. Extracting coal seam gas

from the farms. Take it away Alan. Fracking involves

injecting a mixture of water,

sand a chemicals and high

pressure underground in order

to fracture the rock and

release the coal seam gas.

Farmers are worried that the

chemicals in the salt could

effect the land. Prime

agricultural land you could

eat. Seriously you can eat it I

have been there, you could eat

the dirt. He's not up to it.

Many worry that these

chemicals could get into the

water aquifers. Alan. The

chemicals they use include

hydrochloric and acid, and n

ingredient once used in napalm.

At least the politicians who

allow the gas Wells are

thoroughly across the issue. Do

you know what chemicals are

used? Not totally,

no. Shouldn't you?

Unbelievable. At ground

level the Wells look like

this. Boy oboe. From the air

you can see they're scarring

our landscape. God strike me

pink. From space, the picture

gets even worse. Farmers are

understandably worried. There

are stories of methane getting

into the water. And in NSW and

QLD they can't stop the miners

coming onto their land to drill

for coal seam gas. The Federal

Government's not doing anything

to help. These are morons in Canberra. Tony Abbott's the

only hope we have got. Tony Abbott took a principle stance

on this issue whilst speaking

to my friend. If you don't want

something to happen on your

land, you ought to have a right

to say no. Then made a

principle back flip the very

next day.

Are you backing away from it?

Magnificent! Ironically the

only party that supports Jones' position. You have to lock the

gate. The farmers should be

able to lock the gate are the

Greens. You have to lock the

gate Jim. Sorry, it is Craig by

the way. Only the Greens

propose legislation Which would

require written permission of land holders before companies

could explore for or extract

coal seam gas. You could

imagine how happy Jones was

when the Greens announced

that. The hypocrisy of the

critics takes a step backwards

today with the Greens. They

support your position. Abbott

is the only politician who's

had the guts to indicate

something has to give. Abbott

changed his mind it is the

Greens that support your position. You could eat the

dirt. You could eat the fuking

dirt for once. You're hard to

work with. Tell them about the

effects of coal seam gas. Come

on. To drain the underground

aquifers and pollute the Murray

Darling river system and bull

doze the Aboriginal sites and

omit the CO2 into the

atmosphere. We have to start

again. Idiot. APPLAUSE

For decades Qantas has had a

safety record second to none.

Its decision to leap into new

markets in Asia left furious

Qantas workers no option but to

strike. Everyone from baggage

handlers to pilots say the move

into Asia is symptomatic of a

wider trend in the airline

towards belt tightening which

they believe increases the

likelihood of a crash. Some a

the flying kangaroos flight

with the union is reminiscent

to how Peter Reith intimidated

workers on the water front.

They say Qantas boss Alan Joyce

is nothing but a top end of

town fat cat especially since

he accepted a pay rise while

trying to exterminate onshore

jobs. Labor strong man Graham

Richardson says Joyce's

decision to ground the entire

fleet not only left thousands

of passengers stranded but sent Qantas's credibility into

free-fall. He says that unless

the airline promises to keep

their planes in the air, then

there's every chance the

patience of passengers will

completely run out.

Police media training with

detective superintendent Clive

Pew. When apprehending a

suspect it is important to use

clear and direct language at

all times. For instance don't

say "Stop". Say please desist

your motion or motions and

assume a position consistent with stillness at this

particular time. Similarly

don't say "Put your hands in

the air". Say elevate your hand

or hands upwardly in a northerly direction at this

particular point in time. And

if shot don't every say "Ouch,

ow, ouch". Say bullet wound or

wounds I have received to the

chest are giving me a

sensation, consistent with pain

or pains at this particular

point in time or times. Now

you're communicating. Thanks

Clive. The field is all set

here at Flemington for the

leadership stakes. They're on

the starters orders. Away.

Gillard out of the barrier

well. Half a length back to

Wayne Swan and Stephen Smith.

Bill Shorten starting to make a

move on the inside. He comes

highly fancied into this race,

fancied mainly by himself.

Shorten and Combet half a

length back to Paul Howes is

keen to make it a photo finish

because he likes being in

photos. Gillard starting to

wobble despite being ridden

hard by jockey Bob Brown. Half

a length back and sneaking up

alongside Shorten. The pair

ride on Gillard's heels

planning to make their move. A

length and a half-back to Tony Abbott who's been saying neigh

neigh neigh since he left the

gate. Behind him is the silver

tail Turnbull. Plenty of money

on him. All of it his own.

Black Caviar won the race two

minutes ago but we'll stay with

the main pack. Gillard looks

out of it. A length and a

half-back to Kim Kardashian.

She's getting a dream run with

the media. Have you ever seen a

mare get so much mileage while

doing so little. Into the final

straight. From the back of the

pack Kevin Rudd is beginning to

make a move, a horse we thought

had been put down for good is

clawing his way back in. Rudd

and Kardashian. Rudd and

Kardashian neck and neck. While

I have your attention the

proposed changes to the pokie

laws will kill the country but

then I would say that because I

work for the gaming industry.

Rudd and Kardashian going to

the line. It will be incredibly

close providing Alan Joyce

doesn't ground either of them.

Kardashian takes out the 2011

leadership stakes. I have no

idea who she is, but this

impeccably bred import from

America as demonstrated once

again she's the only person

people in this country gives a

toss about. Back to you in the

studio.

It is time for Inside The

Wheel. Given an interest rate

cut was announced yesterday, we

thought today we would talk

about finance reporting. Yeah

baby, it is party time. Sorry,

I was trying to add excitement

to a fairly dry topic. We

shouldn't use tacky gimmicks

like that. Let's see what real

professionals do. Yeah baby, it

is party time. Look at this.

Wall Street... If you can understand why Kochy was trying

a bit too hard. Finance reports

aren't actually tell yes

visual. How do you show

pictures of an interest

rate. Channel Nine did a good

job of it. In one single report

they found countless ways to

visualise interest rates and I

hope they don't mind if we play

this at double speed. They

showed the Reserve Bank and

they also showed the Reserve

Bank and then they showed the

Reserve Bank. After that a shot

of the Reserve Bank. Then for

contrast news a shot of a

completely different building, sorry that's the Reserve Bank.

In a fit of imagination they

showed the Reserve Bank and not

to run out of inspiration th, they showed the Reserve Bank

and a lovely shot of flowers

behind which is the Reserve

Bank and a panoramic vista of

the Reserve Bank. A surprise

twist with the Reserve Bank at

the end. These finance reports

aren't terribly interesting. A

ask the financial journalists themselves. Only last week we

heard about the release of

important inflation figures. Wednesday is the big one. These numbers are important because inflation is

one of the biggest pieces of

the interest rate puzzle. These

figures are one of the main

things influencing whether the

interest rates went down. So

they mattered. It was

intriguing to compare the level

of media interest to The Queen

that day to the number of

journos who showed up for the

inflation figures. Swanny is

struggling. He needs to talk to

Ross Greenwood. He knows how it

is done. Look at the

graphics. The fear of failure

by banks or Government turned

global markets into a one-way

roller coaster. He's turned

financial coverage into a video

game. The ABC used fancy

graphics but the ABC's budget

is smaller than Ross

Greenwood. Let's see if I can

put you to this test. If we

lose the desalination plant,

proceeds may be $2

billion. Don't you worry about

the ABC. They're learning. They

have learnt a thing or two from

Greenwood himself. Problem with

graphics, is they're

expensive. Except for

Quentin's. A cheaper way of

illustrating the finance report

is to stand beside a ridiculous

novelty character. The monopoly

man knows that the more money

that goes through the cash registers, the more prize will

rise. That is inflation. What

kind of idiot would use a large

fluffy character to add

interest to their TV show. How

cheap. Another trick finance

reporters use is to link their

stories to something people are

interested in. Like for this

week it was the mul. We ended

up with Melbourne Cup

references woven into interest

rate reports like this is the

Black Caviar of rate decisions. Winners everywhere

but the biggest winners

Australian home owners in the

2.30 Reserve Bank Derby. That

is ridiculous. What do horses

know about interest rates.

They're experts. Makybe Diva

fills in for Alan Kohler every

Friday.

The gold of finance reporting

is this basic rule. Whatever

happens it is always bad

news. When the dollar goes up,

that's bad, bad, bad. When

the dollar goes down again,

that is bad, bad, bad. When

retail spending is weak, that

is a massive problem. When

retail spending is strong, that

is a massive problem.

Of course when jobs go down

that is terrible and

heartbreaking. Whereas when

jobs surge, that is terrible,

agonising. That's only for

most finance stories. Interest

rates were a bit different.

Australia is totally fixated on

interest rates. In fact one

study found that at rate

announcement time Australia has

three times as many interest

rate related articles as the UK

and four times as many as

America. That is not a very

good looking graph that one.

Maybe Quentin has a better one. Sure, I have your graph

here. He's very good. We are

obsessed with interest rates.

Surely we agree that

yesterday's cut is great news,

isn't it? More money in our

pockets. You are so wrong.

You're very wrong. Nine msn

managed to whinge, RBA cuts interest rates but no clear

hints of more. We get a rate

cut and they make it sound bad

because we're not getting

another one.

What is with these gloomy

economists? Isn't there one

finance expert out there who

can give us a shred of

optimism. There is but I'd be

careful what you wish for.

Yeah baby! Unfortunate ly it

is your fault.

You can get it hosting. Look

at you on the monitor. Top it,

it is fine. You can get it

boasting. She's got the best

arse I have ever seen. You can

get it launching a book. I know

things about Richard Wilkins,

great bloke, big hair,

massive... The best drinker is

Karl Stefanovic. Can you get it

with laughter. You can get it

the morning after. I applaud

you and I salute you and I

praise you. You can get it

taking a bow. I am going to the

bar. Matter of fact he's

probably pissed now. Karl

Stefanovic, made from beer.

Sorry to interrupt the show.

We will have to stop for a

second. I have been handed a

memo by the ABC saying it has

been 15 minutes since anyone's

promoted The Slap. That is our

oversight. We can make amends

and go one better by giving you

a taste of the sequel that is

in production for next

year. Today my cousin Hector

turns 40. Happy birthday

Hector. Hey, that is enough.

Someone slapped you in the

face and you stood by and

watched. He's a former big

brother contestant, what do you expect. You saw that man get

his penis out. I think we all

wanted to slap Hugo with our

penis that way. I am arresting

you for good fun. I am friends

with a boy and with a penis.

Why the turky slap. Why

couldn't you have tea bagged

him or something. I was working

my way up to that. Fok you. Our

son's head is not a toy drum

for your friends to bang

their... This is bullshit, I am

going to take cocaine because that's what middle class

Australians do.

Nuk you.

The turkey slap. That's

special. You are nuked in the

head. Coming soon to ABC one.

Karl Burnstien, bob Woodward,

Chris Masters. Their names are

synonymous with investigative

journalism. The tradition lives

on every day in news rooms

around the world. For the

modern investigative journalist

the day begins at 10 a.m.

beside the fax machine waiting

for a press release that tells

him what story to cover. A good

story requires time and

patience so the reporter will

sometimes spend eight, nine,

even 10 minutes sifting through

the morning's press releases in

search of a good tip-off. Using

his contacts, which are usually

found at the bottom of 9 press

release, he arranges a secret

meeting with the publicist, the

talent and the rest of the

media. This particular scoop is

about an impending celebrity

visit. All of us here at Crown

are incredibly dispietd to

announce that Sarah Jessica

Parker will be joining us here

in Melbourne. The Crown manager

has made some potentially explosive claims about his

levels of excitement. The

reporter knows he can't get

publish those claims unless

he's able to have them verified

by a second source, another

secret meeting with the

publicist follows. He

convinces her to go on the

record herself. We're

incredibly excited. But rfg

the PR industry isn't the

reporter's only source for a

scoop. An investigative TV

reporter, for instance, follows

his nose all the way to his

local news agent where he pours

over the morning papers to find

a hot story he can regurgitate

for the evening news. Attention

to detail is everything. He

will take note of the talent

that is quoted in the news

article and track them down to

have them repeat the same quotes verbatim for his story

. Sorry, in the article this

morning you said the standards

were absolutely disgusting. Can

we go again with you saying

that. If it all looks like laborious painstaking work,

that is because it S great

democracies are built on

accountability and open

scrutiny and thanks to all the

dedicated investigative

reporters of today, journalisms proud investigative tradition

has never looked stronger.

Science. The great scientists

of our age are all found in the

media. Innovators such as The

fat whisperer. A woman who uses

the power of persuasion to talk

fat out of the body. How does

it work Mary?

Then there's Rob who famously

discovered that you shouldn't

wear sloppy joes on TV. If you

really want to make - if you

really want to make it as a

scientist you will have to get

yourself in the news and that

is not easily done because

science is boring. When does

science become news? When it

is about global warming. 63% of

science mentions in the media

are either to do with climate

change or renewable energy or

pollution. If you're studying

bio terrorism, just give up

now. Any story about climate

change is big news, no matter

how unlikely. Global warming

will rob Italy of its

pasta. Mamma Mia. It will cause

us all to be cannonballs. And

it will create incredible

shrinking sheep. Leaving

farmers to take extreme

measures to keep their sheep

the right size. All good

stories, all with win a Nobel

Prize for getting in the news.

The next thing you will need

to get your research into the

news is one of these squirty

things. Squirty things are

involved in every medical

discovery ever.

The best - what the - the

best way to get in the news is

to discover a cure for

cancer. The media love cancer breakthroughs and the great

thing is there is no limit to

how dubious your claim can

be. Eat cauliflower. Eat straw

berries and super tomatoes with

olive oil. Drink milk. Catch a

cold, become an asthmatic.

Filth is good. Frog skins are

good. Sun screen is good - no

it is bad - aspirin, that is

good. No aspirin is bad. Drink

wine - don't drink wine, drink

coffee. No don't drink coffee

go on the pill. No, go off the

pill. Start breastfeeding.

Don't be bold, have longer

index fingers. Be an Equadorian

dwarf. Tanning beds are good,

no they're bad. Tonight take a

trip to the toilet at

night-time, take ecstasy. Be a

boss. Don't be a barber, don't

be tall. Manure is good.

Above all, never ever use

Facebook. I have never felt

healthier.

I sing like a cow.

APPLAUSE Before we go there's

been a lot of talk about the

death of newspapers as it gets

replaced by online news sites

and aps for smart phones and I

reckon there is nothing a

newspaper can do that an iPad

can't do just as well. I was at

the fish shop the other day and

they wrapped my fish and chips

up in a couple of tablets as

easy as you like. I noticed in

the city the homeless folks are

keeping warm using iPads

instead of newspapers. It is an

efficient method of delivery.

The morning paperboy has made

the switch brilliantly. We just

had word through minutes ago

from London, the UK Court of

Appeal has ruled that Julien

Assange will be extradited to

Sweden. Apparently as Assange

has said he'll launch another

appeal to Alan Joyce to ground

all the flights to Sweden. Till

next Wednesday have a great

time. See you. Closed Captions by CSI. This program is not subtitled This Program is Captioned

Live. Tonight - the complexity

of family relationships

explored in 'Our Idiot

Brother'. Justin Timberlake

inherits a dangerous commodity

in the sci-fi thriller 'In

Time'. And we meet

Shakespeare's ghost writer in

'Anonymous'. Hello. Thank you

all so much for your good

wishes for our 25th. That goes

for me too. Good evening. Also tonight

tonight - the musical legacy of

Rowland S Howard is documented

in 'Autoluminescent'. The

renovator's dream turning into

a living nightmare in 'Don't Be

Afraid Of the Dark'. And a

classic thriller from Alfred

Hitchcock. First, David, start

us off with a 'In Time'. Well,

'In Time' unfolds in a world

where time literally is money.

Once you reach the age of 25,

green numbers appear on your

arm, representing the amount of

time you have left to live,

starting with one year. You

can earn more time in all the

ways we earn money in the real

world, but every time you

require goods or services, you

have to spend time. The

time-rich, like Felipe Weis,

Victor Kartheiser, who runs a

bank, Weis Time leaders, can

live for 1,000 years and never

get older than 25. The poor

struggle to city alive. Will

Salas, Justin Timberlake, is a

worker who lives with his

mother, Rachel, Olivia Wildee,

they survive literally day to

day, but when the bus company suddenly

suddenly puts up the fares,

Rachel runs out of time. Will

kidnaps, a time keeper or cop.

You're going to kill us.

Please just let me out. what

are you doing? The first film

Andrew Nicholl has made since

'Lord of War' six years ago

starts with the very intriguing

concept and the early scenes

are fascinating as a world in

which time out means you're

dead is explored. But after

this tantalising set-up, the

film becomes much more

conventional, giving its

protagonists little to do but

rush around all over the place, robbing banks and giving time

to the poor, like a sci-fi

Bonny and Clyde or Robin and

Marion. Roger Deacon's camera

work is excellent, cool and

clean, but the lack of varied

locations, almost every exterior seems

exterior seems to be located in

more or less the same place,

gets a bit tedious. Justin

Timberlake makes an effective.

In the end, despite its

original idea, 'In Time' is

pretty disappointing.

Margaret? It is, actually. I

had high expectations because,

as Andrew Nicholl, he loves

toying with the ideas of

constraints on human existence.

He wrote the Truman Show,

Gattica, where genetics are the

big constraint. In this you've

got one year to live after you

turn 25. It's an interesting

premise to start with. A

friend of mine contacted me

recently to say it's almost

identical to a short film made

in 1987 called 'Price of Life'.

It's maybe not quite as

original as it seems. It's

also similar to Logan's run as

well. I think every idea can be borrowed, as long borrowed, as long as you make something

something more of it. I feel

that he ends up with something

fairly bennal in this, live

every moment for the moment,

der. There's that subtext of

the rich ripping off the world

and the poor suffering. Well,

that's not very subtly done

either. I was really

disappointed in this. I'm

giving it two and a half stars. I'm giving it three. Will

solas. Philippe Weis. You

must come from time. You could

say I'm gambling my inheritance. You must be

young. When you've been 25 for

85 years like I have, you learn

to appreciate what you have. Of course some think what we

have is unfair. 'In Time' is currently screening nationally.

'Our Idiot Brother' is the

affectionate way in which three

women regard their eyed istic

naive brother Ned, played by

Rudd Rudd, in a variety of

outfits that must have had the clothing designer screaming with

with laughter. He's a hippy

organic farmer who, at a local

market, is very, very stupidly

cajoled by a uniformed policeman into selling him

dope. After his jail stint,

his organic farming girlfriend

has teamed up with someone else

and refuses to give up his dog,

Willy Nelson. Who do you turn

to? Your three sisters, of

course. First stop is with

Liz, married to a documentary

film-maker, Steve Coogan. I

never should have let Ned stay

here. What about me? I took him

him to work. I tried to give

him a job. He hangs me out to

dry in front of everyone. Hang

on, I'm getting call waiting Elizabeth banks is

riving roughshod over integrity

city with a celebrity article

she's writing and the third

sister nately Zooey Deschanel

is finding fertility to her partner problematic. There's

something about Paul Rudd's

screen presence I find

irresistible and his shambolic

persona in this film is

ultimately very lovable, even

though he's compulsive and

disin gen uous truth telling causes havoc. He's had a fine