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The Chaser's War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) what I have to tell you. Sir, I don't think you're gonna like The... Go on! Yes.

Come on, I want you in the car. Come on! Get a move on! It's Martin Wilkes. GRIM MUSIC (Sighs) to bring in Martin Wilkes. They want me TENSE MUSIC

RADIO BUZZES INDISTINCTLY in principle, MAN ON RADIO: I do think that, these people should be photographed. I do think they should be named. should be allowed to do it However, I don't think the newspapers have convicted them. until after the police to Nick Ferrari on LBC 97.3. MAN: You're listening Trevor, good morning. Trevor's in Wood Green. How are you this morning? MAN: Good morning. and I'm encouraged by this. Well, I'm good, One fact I haven't told you down in this part of the world... about these scheme DOOR MACHINERY CREAKS Oh. Jesus Christ. No. Where are his wife and kids? OK, Jean. Thanks for your help. Thank you. (Sighs) Yeah, we need an ambulance to 27... (Sighs) We got the DNA result.

We lost our motive. Angela Dutton's father. Martin Wilkes was not Yes, sir. It was about five minutes ago. In fact, they're here now. No, the local police are on their... OK. Later. MYSTERIOUS MUSIC WOMAN MOANS TYRES SCREECH

(Gasps) Enjoy. LOCK RATTLES

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APPLAUSE

AP Yes,,thank you and good evening.

Welcome to the very first show of The Chaser's War on Everything.

It's great to have you with us.

Great to be back on the box. Big

day. We're still recovering from

that huge Packer memorial service

the Sydney Opera House stood. I that huge Packer memorial service at

don't know if you saw it. It was

bizarre. Russell Crowe gave one of

the eulogies. Clearly, some

crazy about that choice! The other the eulogies. Clearly, some weren't

eulogy was speaking about tax

throughout his career. He's pretty eulogy was speaking about tax havens

much avoided tax right around the

globe. As Richie said Packer did a

lot of good. He gave a lot of

to charity and was a big believer lot of good. He gave a lot of money

organ donation. What a guest list! to charity and was a big believer in

All the big names were there. It

was incredible. Compare that to

turnout at ABC boss Russell was incredible. Compare that to the

Balding's farewell. He only got

David Strachan and a couple of tea

ladies. Everyone has their

favourite Packer moment. For me it

was that time when he rang up

Channel Nine in the middle of the

the funniest home videos. Hello,

Channel Nine? Hello Channel Nine,

I'm watching the Kerry Packer

memorial. Can you get this shit

air? It is nauseating. Like the memorial. Can you get this shit off

only piece of shit they pulled off

air was Eddie. Sadly they give him

another job. Because of the

service Crown Casino suspended all another job. Because of the memorial

gaming for a minute . If I know

Kerry Packer if you want to earn

respect, you don't ever stop Kerry Packer if you want to earn his

gambling. We could have kept it

going and used it to pay for the

memorial. Instead of us paying for

it. We hit the streets to gauge

mood of the anch taxpayer. We're it. We hit the streets to gauge the

raising money for Kerry Packer's

memorial fund. Would you like to

dig deep for Kerry? I don't think

so, somehow. I think somehow he

might have a few bob stacked away

somewhere. Yeah, but it's in the

marredas. What do you remember somewhere. Yeah, but it's in the ber

Kerry for? His wonderful head.

Casinos, Channel Nine? I think the

fitness centre underneath the

building where he - Where his

misstress worked. You can say it,

he's dead now. It's OK. I'm going

to build a memorial to Kerry Packer.

You know the gold, it's from

burntdown Logies. It's a bit

excessive. That's his actual size.

Do you think we should minimise it

like his tax, do you? What's wrong?

He's a billionaire. It's

disgusting. Do you want to give

money to the Kerry Packer memorial

fund? Come on, put it in there.

Introducing the new mega cheese

crust pizza with a revolutionary

five-deck crust. Mounted on an

all-cheese base and topped with ham,

cheese, pineapple cheese and our

famous Italian olives. Even the

cheese has cheese stuffed inside it.

Order any family size and receive

this two litre bottle of cheese

this two litre bottle of cheese cola absolutely free. That's the

mega cheese crust pizza also absolutely free. That's the all-new

available with double cheese on top.

Who said life wasn't meant to be

cheesy? Allowable matters in the no

advantage test will be at risk so

far as Australia's employees are

concerned. That's whole point.

REPORTER: Mr Smith you've spoken

about the Government's plans, but

geography what is the world's about the Government's plans, but in

highest mountain? I last did geography what is the world's second

geography in year p Year 11 Mate

I'll pass. If I had a mobile on me,

I'd phone a friend.

APPLAUSE Well, I went to one of

those $2 shops the other day.

it. Everything's $2, how can you those $2 shops the other day. Loved

possibly resist. I immediately

bought this road sign with a

platypus on it. These stores have

spruiker out the front. Bargains, platypus on it. These stores have a

bargains! That guy, right. Wasting

his time. Hats that cost $2 sell

themselves, I think. So I actually

thought, why don't I start up a

service called and surprise

spruiker. I'd turn up at place s

that really needed a salesman.

First, an overpriced designer

clothes store. Boutique, boutique

bargains here today at Georgio ar

Manny. From as little as $5,000.

Grab a bargain. That's right,

shoppers. It's thousand dollar

madness. It was good, wasn't it? It

was alright. I did very well there.

I must say I attracted so many

customers I thought I could

do this anywhere. I could just customers I thought I could actually

do this anywhere. I could just turn up with my little speaker and pop

down and have a spruik. Case in up with my little speaker and pop it

front, the department of workplace

relevances. They have to sell

unappealing new laws about sacking relevances. They have to sell these

people. The customers aren't

happen. Solution? A visit from the

surprise spruiker. Come on in to

the department of workplace

relations. We've got far too many

working conditions and they've got

to go. Contract offers you can't

refuse. I mean you literally can't

refuse them! Two weeks leave is the

most we'll offer. Annual leave,

long service leave. Sick leave,

it's all negotiatable. Individual

and collective. Come on in to the

department of workplace relations.

We've got far too many working

conditions and they've got to go.

Massively reduced. It's

extraordinary. Come on in and grab

a bargain. APPLAUSE Yeah, well he

sacked me. Sacked me without

sacked me. Sacked me without notice and then I thought, "Well if anyone

needs a salesman it's the

needs a salesman it's the Department of Immigration. " Poor old DIMIA

they have to shift these truckloads

of immigrants and mentally ill

people from Adelaide. How could

they possibly depix this problem?

The surprise spruiker. Come on in

to DIMIA, direct from Indonesia.

Huge, huge, huge psychological

trauma. Detrainees so insane,

trauma. Detrainees so insane, these deals are inhumane. We've got

children, schizophrenics,

depressives. That's right, direct

from Indonesia, as you can see

folks. You might get processing

elsewhere, here we take years.

Great deportation items even our

head of department is going out the

door. The minister's gone crazy

door. The minister's gone crazy and we've got to shift all the blame.

APPLAUSE A jihad on Baz Luhrmann.

Well done Osama. That's something

that both Islam and the West can

agree on. Thanks everyone for

coming into our very first studio

audience. We want things to be a

little bit different. Thank you

very much. We do like to do things

different at The Chaser. We do

different at The Chaser. We do have a corporate box and a special

welcome to everyone there from the

Australian Wheat Board. Very good

to have you there. They're

entertaining some old friends there,

as you can see, and also there's

someone there from DFAT. She'll be

reporting back to the Government on

the usual need not to know basis.

That's right, from the poor old AWB

have been having a tough time of it

lately. They're in almost as much

trouble as Julian was. More on that

later. But look, I can't talk

myself. I got into a bit of

myself. I got into a bit of trouble at the big day out this year. You

see, the thing I hate about these

music festivals is how much of a

rip-off the food is. So expensive.

I thought I'd bring some of my own.

Meat for a nice barbecue. You're

allowed to do that, aren't you?

You'd think so. Now they've got

these sniffer dogs for the drugs.

You try getting some meat past them.

There's melloweding up the meat.

There's melloweding up the meat. A bit of lamb chops, sausages. No

problem there. Bit of steak. Bit

of bum crack, I thought that would

be edited out. Can you get all

these meat past the sniffer dogs.

these meat past the sniffer dogs. I hadn't gone past two steps. Those

bloody sniffer dogs are all over me.

They look hungry Chas, very hungry.

They got me steak, look at this.

They are so tough on me. Now I'm

gone. I'm out of here. I'm minced

meat, I'm going away for years.

Those cops they hate the meat

pushers. Was it just me or did you

notice at the Big Day Out there

notice at the Big Day Out there were stacks of people wearing Australian

flags. They were everywhere. It

worries me to be honest because I

hate to think of young Aussies

taking fashion advice from Pauline

Hanson. It is noticeable how many

people are wearing Aussie flags

these days. It's not just young

people. I've seen business people,

priests wearing the flags. It's

catching on with Islamic people.

I don't think Danna veil would

I don't think Danna veil would think too much about that. I don't think

she thinks too much about anything.

VOICE-OVER: They're the golden

couple of Australian skating and

couple of Australian skating and now they're carrying the hopes of the

nation. I think to represent your

country at any top level is an

incredible honour but especially at

the Olympic Games. The Olympics

the Olympic Games. The Olympics are what every athlete dreams - -

But for Taylor and Hansen the

journey hasn't been easy. Based in

rural Western Australia, the pair

lives 400 kilometres from the

nearest rink and is reinforced to

rehearse their routines wearing

socks on a slippery surface.

Coming up to a triple axle now.

Sorry, we ran out of corridor.

Chris and I have been skating for

gosh, how long has it been now?

Oh, about two weeks. We hadn't even

set foot on the ice until - Today.

But despite the obstacles, the

pair's already being talked about

pair's already being talked about as one of Australia's best medal

chances at these winter Games.

Don't worry, that's how it's

supposed to look. Mate, I think

supposed to look. Mate, I think I've torn my tutu. Just five days away

from competition, the pair meets to

choose the music selections for

their program. I want something

their program. I want something more dramaticic and stirring. Bo lairo.

Too toreville and Dean. Crazy Frog.

Something that announces us as

quintessentially Australian. What

about the Doors Plus jingle? In the

end, whatever happens in Turin,

whether they take home the gold or

not, in the eyes of many

Australians, Taylor and Hansen are

champions already. I think what

Stephen Bradbury showed us is that

if you work hard enough and if you

believe in yourself strongly enough,

and if every other skater

and if every other skater completely fucks up, then there's no reason

fucks up, then there's no reason why we too can't be Olympic gold

medallists. I think I'll just

practise that once more! APPLAUSE

practise that once more! APPLAUSE Right on target for gold. We'll be

on that podium. I think so. If for

some weird reason it doesn't work

out in Turin for us I actually

reckon we should take up American

football. Did you see the Super

Bowl last week? You never hear

anyone talk about the game.?

anyone talk about the game.? people only ever talk about the Super Bowl

commercials. You know the sport is

bad when people are only tuning in

for the ads. It's either the ads or

the half-time entertainment which

this time was the Rolling Stones.

this time was the Rolling Stones. I loved and interview with Mick

loved and interview with Mick Jagger when he was asked about performing

at the Super Bowl. Is it something

you've always wanted to do? Not,

really. It might not mean much to

Mick, but one person who's always

wanted oto go was Charles Firth

who's actually living in America

who's actually living in America now and living the American dream.

The Super Bowl, America's largest

sporting event with over 90 million

drunk viewers the Super Bowl is one

of the highest rating programs on

of the highest rating programs on TV surpassed only by reruns of

'Everybody Loves Raymond'. There's

only one thing missing, sport. How

does American football work? Can

does American football work? Can you explain it to me? Let's see.

Explain to me how American football

works? Just score! Explain to me

works? Just score! Explain to me the idea behind the face paint. How

many beers have you had? Not enough.

You know, maybe like 30, 40 beers,

you know. Just don't think about it,

you just know it you know, you just

know it happens. You can't get

through this fence and when it goes

through you scream like crazy and

through you scream like crazy and do a funky dance. It's hot. Why is it

Australians care about the Super

Bowl? Who? Australians. Who. I know

Australia is not American, but it's

great. All you have to do is yell

and scream as everyone pretends to

understand what's going on. Win or

lose, everyone displays great

sportsmanship. Do you have a

message for the Seahawks? God damn

lock your mothers up, because

Pittsburgh is here to fuck

Pittsburgh is here to fuck everybody in your family. This is Charles

Firth reporting from the greatest

country in the world. APPLAUSE

Taking a look at what else made

Taking a look at what else made news this week and the AWB kickback

scandal continues. Yes, this was

going to be the part of the show

where we showed you how we tried to

get AWB to help Saddam Hussein

get AWB to help Saddam Hussein again by chipping in another $300 million

for his legal defence. But we

for his legal defence. But we can't show you that defence for legal

reasons. Wouldn't it be funny if

reasons. Wouldn't it be funny if the only person to get jailed in the

only person to get jailed in the AWB scandal was you. It would be very

funny. They weren't happy, the

funny. They weren't happy, the AWB's lawyer complained about us to the

commission. This guy's prepared to

do deals with Saddam Hussein the

most dangerous dictator in the

world, but he's scared of a large

novelty prop. Go figure. It's very

scary. In other news, cricket star

Shane Warne has denied allegations

he's behind the new abortion drug.

The mix-up came after a text

message. The conscience bill went

through the House this week. A lot

of Nationals voted for abortion of

Julyian McGauran. Can we emphasise

Tony Abbott is still o-Beesed to

RU486. He supports other ways of

dealing with unwanted pregnancies,

such as a DNA test. In media news,

Jamie Packer found a new CEO for

Channel Nine by phoning a friend.

He's chosen Eddie Maguire. He's a

great businessman, very good head

for numbers as he demonstrated at

the recent 2006, repeat 2006 Allan

Border medal. Time to present the

Alan Border for 2007. I know seven

years when we did this. We all

years when we did this. We all want to hear how the 2007 medal. The

Alan Border medal for 2007. The

Alan Border medal for 2007. The Alan Border medallist for 2006. It's the

most publicity Seven has ever got

most publicity Seven has ever got on Nine, isn't it. New footage of

British soldiers bashing Iraqi

youths. They deny the footage has

harmed their campaign to win the

hearts and winds of the Iraqi

people. There's winning the heart

right there. If you see them,

they're winning the minds with a

beautiful head butt. If you look

beautiful head butt. If you look at that, they are winning the absolute

shit out of that guy. Unbelievable.

And finally in other news this week,

the two Bali nine ring leaders were

both sentenced to death by firing

squad. It's understood that

Indonesia has appointed

vice-president Dick Cheney to lead

that firing squad. Because Dick never misses.

In 2004, the world was devastated

In 2004, the world was devastated by the Boxing Day tsunami. Then, one

year on to the day, we witnessed an

even bigger global tragedy, with

even bigger global tragedy, with the death of Kerry Packer. This Sunday,

some of Australia's biggest names

some of Australia's biggest names in rock are getting together for an

unprecedented concert effort.

Raising money to help pay the

Raising money to help pay the taxes that Packer himself avoided. Back

together for a special one-off

performance. We are incredibly

performance. We are incredibly proud to be part of this event.

There's no aid relief like tax

relief, so book now for evade aid.

Come on Australia, this is your

chance to help out those much more

foreign than yourself. --

foreign than yourself. -- fortunate than yourself. APPLAUSE

Well, it's no secret that most

Australians get all their news from

A Current Affair and 'Tonight

Tonight'. To be honest it's not a

bad thing at all. Here at The

bad thing at all. Here at The Chaser we think current affairs shows

we think current affairs shows teach us so many valuable lessons we've

compiled them into this exclusive,

exclusive, exclusive segment.

So what have we learnt this week?

First of all I learnt something

about danger and if you thought the

Melbourne ganglands were unsafe,

Melbourne ganglands were unsafe, you think again. Bingles and bashings

while the local shopping centre

carpark is the most dangerous place

in Australia. The most dangerous

place in Australia. So let's put

place in Australia. So let's put it to the test, shall we? We've got

footage of the Macquarie fields

riots. They might look dangerous,

but they're nothing compared to

'Tonight Tonight's' carpark carnage.

Look at that stuff on the right.

That was touched. Oo, he's reverse

parking. Watch out, he's honking

parking. Watch out, he's honking the horn. That stuff on the left,

horn. That stuff on the left, that's nothing. That's very scary. The

thing we really want to focus on

today is dodgy guys. Now luckily

current affairs shows have taught

current affairs shows have taught us how to identify a dodgy guy and the

trick is wherever you see one

trick is wherever you see one you'll always hear special dodgy guy music.

Here's the dodgy guy and here's the

music. I also learnt that wherever

they walk along the street dodgies

move in slow motion. You see what

move in slow motion. You see what I mean here. Extraordinarily slow.

Very slow, he's got the dodgy music

happening. On top of that there are

guys so dodgy that their unbounded

evil makes them warp. He's so dodgy

he's disturbing the space time

Condon yum. It's very worrying.

But Andrew these slow warping men

are all very well, but there's

no-one slower, or warpier than

paedophiles or sex offenders.

That is so true. Look at this man.

I reckon this is the reason why sex

offenders keep on getting caught.

Look how slowly he's moving. Get a

move on son. This works with

anybody. Earlier today I filmed

Chas here just walking along. Here

he is, this is normal Chad. This

he is, this is normal Chad. This is music and slow mo, paedophile Chas.

Very amusing, Andrew. But what

worries me seriously is how easy it

is to show that the PM himself is a

paedophile. Just look at this. Oh,

Mr Hour, how could you f? What a

disgrace. OK, so in summary Andrew,

what have we learnt from current

affairs this week. We've learnt

affairs this week. We've learnt that carparks are deadly and the PM is a

paedophile. There we go. I hope

that's cleared things up for you

Naomi. Thank you very much for your

generous help, it's a great result.

No worries!

Is that your next question, the

follow-up question? Hugh, sorry 10

questions, what can audiences

questions, what can audiences expect from the new boy from Oz

productions? What do you see as the

future of musical theatre? Third,

how is your home life? How can the

wardrobe department got your hat so

wrong? What's it like being an

ex-ex-man. A human rouse question.

Are you planning a stage version of

your Foxtel commercial. Who do you

think should replace Ariel Sharon?

What should we do about Iran's

nuclear proliferation? Very good.

I thought we'd never get to Iran

thank you for that. APPLAUSE Mr Ten I thought we'd never get to Iran and

questions, he's nothing if not

thorough. Just finally before we

go, there's been a lot of talk

lately about these Danish cartoons

depicting the prophet Mohammed

pretty much all of the Australian

media decided not to run them.

We believe in freedom of speech and

will not be intimidated by violence.

We have decided to republish the

cartoons ourselves on DannaVale's

website. Abort yourself out of that

one, Danna. Have a great weekend. International Pty Ltd ya. Captioning and Subtitling International Pty Ltd Captioning and Subtitling Closed Captions produced by

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OPENING THEME 'Allo. Booyakasha! Whyisalikkilikkiyawungagot. Respeck is important. little respeck left in da world, But the sad ting is, dere is so

in da dictionary, dat if you look up da word behind me you'll find it's been taken out. So, if dis show teach you anyting, 'ow to respeck everyone - it should teach you animals, children, bitches, spazmos, mingas, lezzas, fatty boombahs, and even gaylords. So, to all you lot watchin' dis, respeck. but mainly to the normal people, Westside. JET ENGINE NOISE No diggity, check dis out, Sam Donaldson. I is wif none other than my main man, 'Im be de boss man of ABC News, we is chattin' about jamejia. and today Let's talk about when da media actually change events in politics. when de two journalists Does you remember over the scandal of 'Waterworld'? brought down de Government Well, Watergate here, yeah. You is confusin' it with 'Stargate'. I think it's 'Waterworld', innit? when we had a President named Nixon? Well, are you talking about

For real. at a complex called Watergate? And there was a burglary There ain't no connection 'tween dis from 'Dances With Wolves'? and da bloke I thought you were going. No. That's where in my estimation... 'Waterworld' was a very bad movie, Yo, yo, yo, no doubt. to young people? Why don't dey make that clearer Yo. That's what we're doing. Respeck. That's what you're doing. Congratulations. TECHNO MUSIC What is 'bias'? have an idea the way things are, We all have biases, meaning we

to what we actually can see. without reference So, how does you stop jermalists of how them actually feel? puttin' little words in dat is hints President Bush, who is a dong, Like, say, "Yo, today, would dey be allowed to say dat? "talked about de economy",

if I were your boss, I'd fire you. Oh, you could say that, but

givin' over deir opinions But how does you stop de jermalists just by deir body language? President Bush...", and den goin'... Sayin', "Yo, today, "spoke to de Vice President"... If you did that, I'd fire you. ..you know, and den...

I couldn't stop you. the next day going...(makes noises). But I'd fire you, you wouldn't be on

No! So, 'as a jermalist ever been fired and doin' fings like that? for bein' biased of an American journalist I don't know who's done things like that.

TECHNO MUSIC when deir ain't nuffing So, what does you do dat's 'appened in da news dat day? that happened. There's ALWAYS something for news, But if it's a bit of a boring day on da newspaper sayin', "War Begins"? does you sometimes make a headline

Well, if there's no war that begins, Aii. but you say war begins... the next day, ..no-one's gonna buy your newspaper 'cause they'll be onto the fact what you're talking about! that you don't know "War Begins With a W", But you could always put on page two,

well, dat is 'ow you spell it, innit? For real. So, you ain't lyin'. Yeah.

But everyone would buy your paper, is reporting on dis, 'cause no-one else wif all da war fing innit, wikkid. "Yo, so let's get da one I knew dat, "Oh, it begins with a 'W',

"but let me read some other fings." TECHNO MUSIC

more from telly, So, does people get their news now

or from the newspapers? Television, in this country. wif newspapers dat... Ain't de problem da news is well out of date? ..after about a week, Oh, they are.

You buy a newspaper everyday to find out what the latest news is. Well, you don't need to buy it everyday. What do mean, you don't need to buy it? You don't need to do anything.

For real. Except pay taxes and die. Yo, well, you don't always 'ave to pay taxes. I know I ain't. But dat's... Is this a confession right now? No, no, no. Should I call the law? No, no, no, I don't because of a... ..it's a complicated fing, I can't really chat about it, whatever. Yo, so...let's talk about. Call the law! No, don't. Shit... TECHNO MUSIC CRASH! SIRENS BLARE BORAT'S THEME Jak sie masz. In the US and A, very rich people like to drink wine. It is like Kazakhi wine, but not made from fermented horses urine. I go to meet Mississippi gentlemen to find more. Dziekuje. KAZAKH MUSIC Hi, welcome to Jackson... Nice to meet you. Thank you, and welcome to Jackson, Mississippi. Thank you. In tasting wines, there's three things that you watch and enjoy. One is the colour of the wine. So, you have nice, the colour of this is. And the next thing is the aroma. And you smell the product. Hold it. Hold it by the stem. Yeah, the proper way is right here. He's gonna let you do this one. Uh, let me, let me, just catch it like I did. No, here. Why don't you... that's the proper way to take it. Grab the glass like that. Is a gla...cup? Yeah, it's a cup, OK. Just grab that and... This? No, the glass. The cup, take the cup. No, no, no. Take the cup, here. You take it. Take it. (Confused) You want? No. You, here. There you go. Now... Yes... You take it. You hold it. You hold it. Yeah, hold it. Don't hold it up here, it makes it hot. OK. The proper way is like this. See your fingers? Like this... I want to taste... No, you're gonna taste that one, I'm gonna taste this one. You want me take this? Yes. Just grab it like this. You are. No, I'm not gonna hold it, you are. Here, taste it. This one. This one. Yes. He has a cold, you may catch his cold. No, no, no. YOU, you drink. You...OK, yours. Come on, OK? OK! I win! What is this? This is a Zinfandel. Ah, 2002. That's when it was made. That's when it was made. Yes, is the year my wife die. Oh, it is? 2002? Nice wine. I like!

You like? Cheers.

This is in Kazakhstan sometime! Mmm! KAZAKH POP MUSIC MUSIC CONTINUES 1, 2, 3! Ain't that nice?

Nice! Pour him a little in this one right here. Notice how gently he's pouring the wine? Yes. And turns the bottle. It helps the wine to gently pour it.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Robert. You're welcome. Thank you very much. He is your slave? No, no, no, not a slave. And he is, he is a slave? No, no, no, he's not a slave. We don't have slaves here anymore. Yes, I hear you do not have... No, no, no. Why you stop? No, well, it's a law that was passed that they no longer can be used as slaves, which is a good thing.