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The Chaser's War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) He tried to kill me, Michael.

for any of this to happen. I didn't mean Would you rather it had been me? Michael...Michael, I'm... I'M YOUR WIFE! I'm your wife, Michael. Doesn't that mean anything to you? We're having a baby!

I've been here an hour. What time do you call this? Well? KATE: Michael? Please...please say something. Are you not talking to me? I'm not waiting around. Well, if you're not saying anything, I know...he told me! Well, so what? with you anyway. Look, I was gonna finish he was just a shag. We weren't going nowhere,

(Screams) HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND!

Pete... (Sobs) whatever you've done. It'll be alright, Yes, you can! I can't! this and it'll be just like it was. I'll help you. We'll get through

Just you and me. No-one else. I will always look out for you. Always. Contra mundum. Semper fideles. MUSIC RISES

It was for us. (Cries) (Screams)

(Gasps and struggles)

SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS Tom! Thomas, it's time to go!

Five more minutes, Mum, please!

Come on! You've had your five minutes. I've got to go now. Goodbye. Was he nice?

International Pty Ltd Captioning and Subtitling Closed Captions by

This program is not subtitled

This program is captioned live.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

Good evening. Right across

Australia, welcome to the War. As

always great to have you with us at

the end of the week. It's obviously

been a very tumultuous week in

Timor. Our troops are doing

everything they can to restore

and they've also had to put up with everything they can to restore order

the Channel 9 Today show. If you

didn't see it, this was on Tuesday,

this is Jessica roe interviewing

commander in Dili. It looks chaotic, this is Jessica roe interviewing the

there are crowds there lining up

desperate for food and I'm

how you feel about your safety, desperate for food and I'm wondering

given you have armed guards there

standing behind you, armed soldiers.

Um, Jessica, I feel quite safe, yes.

But not because I've got these

soldiers behind me that were put But not because I've got these armed

there by your stage manager here to

make it look good. I don't need

these guys here. That guys deserves

every medal you can ever get. The>>

she the real hero in my book. The

innocent victim in this is Jessica

roe. She wasn't to know the shot

been staged. She assumes everything roe. She wasn't to know the shot had

on the Today show is real. She

thought the shrubs behind her

were growing. She thought the thought the shrubs behind her really

that gather to watch Steve Jacobs were growing. She thought the people

love the weather but the stage

imaginer put them then: That's off

about the Today show. I want to

you this. I was sent this in the about the Today show. I want to show

mail - it's raunchy nude calendar

put out by some grannies to raise

money. You see a few about these.

They're getting their gear off to

raise cash. It made me think

one organisation that oulz whinging raise cash. It made me think there's

about money. Why don't they adopt

this approach as well. I am looking

at new ways to raise money for the

ABC. Would you be interested in the

ABC nude calendar. She's hat,

he? I am not sure I would want to ABC nude calendar. She's hat, isn't

that far. Do you want to go on he? I am not sure I would want to go

that wall for a month? . It looks

like he's been dug up. What about

Andrew Denton? He looks stunning.

That's off-putting. I am glad the

rope is there. What about David and

Margaret. That's downhill,

especially with David. God it's

getting worse. Who in Christ's name

is that? We are not sure. It must

be someone from the ABC. Do you

him there? Yes, I'd give him one! be someone from the ABC. Do you like

Who is he? I don't know. He has

eyes. He doesn't look like you? Who is he? I don't know. He has eyes

Maybe you will look different lying

down. Do you want to find out?

Yes, it is. I didn't shave that

I thought it would be a sexy look. Yes, it is. I didn't shave that day

What about Kerry O'Brien? Look at

him! He looks fantastic. That

not be shown on Christmas. Oh, no! him! He looks fantastic. That should

would have thought he would have not be shown on Christmas. Oh, no! I

much bigger balls than that. Really?

I really didn't need to see that.

This week on Sunday Arts,

Australia's air guitarists take a

back seat as we go behind the

of the 12th annual air bassoon back seat as we go behind the scenes

championships.

I guess I've been playing air

bassoon for sim years now. I

as an air clarinettist but the bassoon for sim years now. I started

bassoon felt more right. From the

heat right through to the showdown

final. I do do a lot of sew low

but nothing beats being in front ef final. I do do a lot of sew low work

that full air ark stra. Just magic.

Join us for Sunday Arts - 4 o'clock

this weekend on ABC. Is your

girlfriend here tonight? Yeah. My

air girlfriend is here.

Now, some very good news has come

through recently - the city council

of Melbourne has decided to ban

discount store spruikers from the

streets. About time. Those

are a bloody new sense. Now streets. About time. Those spruikers

Melbourne has hundred of these

spruikers to get rid of. A job for

the surprise spruiker perhaps.

Yep, I felt so sorry for the

I decided to crank up my loud Yep, I felt so sorry for the council

speaker outside their offices to

help flog off those unwanted

salesmen. It's a I grantic spruiker

sale here today at Melbourne City

Council. We have far too many

discount store spruikers and we're

getting rid of the lot. They may be

amusing elsewhere, here they are a

main the arse. The patience

Melburnians have slashd. We're

exporting the buggers back home

again, Yorkshire, Jordy, ak sens so

ridiculous we're throwing them out

the door. It's speaker silence in

spruiking madness. Even the

spruiker himself is being lick spruiking madness. Even the surprise

dated. This's right. Direct from spruiker himself is being lick which

UK we 've imported them. Now. dated. This's right. Direct from the

(SPEAKER: Er turned off prk No, UK we 've imported them. Now...

No,respect at all. But now on to (SPEAKER: Er turned off prk

our regular segment about Namibia

news. This week Brad Pitt and an

jeela Jolie had a daughter. It got

lot of coverage this week. But all jeela Jolie had a daughter. It got a

because they had a child of their

own hasn't stopped them from

pursuing their dream of being a

rainbow family, that's with

adopted from every region around rainbow family, that's with children

world. So we decided to help them adopted from every region around the

source their Australian baby.

Have you heard how Angelina Jolie

wants to adopt a baby from every

consnent? That's lovely. She wants

your baby? Is Brad Pitt is father

I could probably spare this one

because I have two. No, this is my

baby. It'snever stopped Angelina

Jolie before. Let's let the kids

decide. Who do you prefer? Mummy

orange Lena. What? Can you imagine

when she kissed you goodnight with

your lips - with these lips she

would suck half your face off.

Say no, say no. Mummy? Say no.

Mummy? Yeah, mummy. That's right.

There we go, Angelina will be very

happy. I think she might have

happy. I think she might have seen Mr And Mrs Smith. Angelina wants

you. Wave goodbye to old daddy. You

are moving on up. We're going

straight to Hollywood.

Now, there's been a lot of

speculation around Canberra this

week about John Howard potential

re-Tiger at the next election,

presumably to be replaced by Peter

Costello. I wouldn't be so sure. I

was sent a leak ood document from

the PM's office this week with his

wishlist of preferred successors.

I reckon there's another candidate

who is not mentioned very much but

would be perfect for the job. A lot

of people haven't heard of her but

she has everything going for her.

The people in Canberra agree.

We're thinking you could take a

We're thinking you could take a leaf out of the Democrats book in

out of the Democrats book in America and maybe go for the wife for the

next PM. What do you think? I think

she would be an excellent PM.

She is really running the country

now, isn't she Mrs Costello would

be very upset about that? You've

be very upset about that? You've got to be a member of the Liberal Party

first. Do you think Kim could beat

you now? See you. Would it be fair

to stay Treasurer for as long as

to stay Treasurer for as long as the party room wanted Janet as well?

I would have to discuss it with her

to see if she wanted me to stay on.

I wouldn't want to be presumpous.

How do you think she would go on?

Glamour, colour, a bit of movement.

She's got her attributes. She looks

good for a lady of her age. She

good for a lady of her age. She runs John, so she should be able to run

the country. How do you think Mr

Howard adapt to the role of first

gentleman? I couldn't respond on

gentleman? I couldn't respond on his behalf. She would be warming the

seat un-Tim t till the next

generation of Howards could take

over. How long do you think the

Howard dynasty could last? A

thousand years. Really? The world

thousand years. Really? The world is your oyster with explorer

your oyster with explorer backpacker tours. Discover

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Yes,it's time once again to test

Yes,it's time once again to test the credibility of the advertising

industry. And to find out if the

claims made by TV commercials stack

mup the real worlds. And this week

we have a hit on the guest book

we have a hit on the guest book from Steph who thought if anything

Steph who thought if anything needed an ad road test, it was this.

Gary? No, Gary, no.

Gary? No, Gary, no. No, Gary, 2340

no Gary! OK, this ad is for

no Gary! OK, this ad is for nickeret chewing gum and the message seems

be that any smoker will quit if an

all-male cheer squad turns up out

all-male cheer squad turns up out of the blue chanting their name.

But would this work in real life.

There's only one way to find out.

No,Gary, no. No, Gary, no. No, Gary!

No, Gary no , no, Gary, no. No,

Gary. No, Gary, no. No, Gary, no.

No, Gary. No,Gary, no, Gary, no.

Are you going to stop smoking?

I enjoy it. Will you stop smoking?

Never. I I can't get enough of them.

That bloke has pretty good legs on

him. No, Gary, no. No, Gary, no. No,

Gary! No,Gary, no, no, Gary, no.

No, Gary. No,Gary, no, gay, no.

No, Gary. No,Gary, no, gay, no.! That's it. That was it. Will you

stop smoking now? Up in. Oh!

I thought we had that guy. I really

did. Close. But the test was of

course a huge slap in the face for

the nickeret commercial. I taught

the nickeret commercial. I taught us three things - sploe, not three things - sploe, not influence

by cheer squads and people are not

called Gary and Chris and Craig are

shit house at cart wheels. Let's

shit house at cart wheels. Let's not dismiss it too quickly. Maybe the

squeer squad is good for getting

your to quit other device. Couldet

git Kevin Andrews to give up the

git Kevin Andrews to give up the new IR laws? No,

IR laws? No,Kevin no, no, Kevin, no,

no Kevin, no, no, Kevin, no.

Is there any more. Are you going

quit? Is this a basketball team or

soccer team? ,no, Kevin, no. quit? Is this a basketball team or a

Not the Socceroos. No, Kevin, no,

Kevin, no. There's no luck there of course.

course. Not working. But maybe the

Gary squad could help Labor's Kevin

Rudd quit being a smug media slut.

No, Kevin, no, no Kevin, no, no,

Kevin! He likesed but he didn't

quit. We thought we would give it

squad make Peter Costello give one more crack. Would the cheer

squad make Peter Costello give up

the idea he will ever lead the

Liberal Party?

No,Peter, no. No, Peter, no. No,

Peter! No, Peter, no, Peter, not!

Thank you. I I thought it might

been a haka. Will Thank you. I I thought it might have

been a haka. Will you quit?

Part, part the waters. How are you?

Good to see you. Have a good time.

Yes, boys, yes. That was awful.

So once again the ad has failed the

guest book test and be sure to hit us on the

guest book if you have a suggestion

for the next ad road test. Time to

find out what's happening in other

news. In other news this week

there's growing unrest about the

Government's new IR laws as more

more wokkers are starting to feel Government's new IR laws as more and

the pinch. But can Labor capitalise

on? Since Steven Smith is so boring

leave his that even this microphone wants to

leave his press conference. Still

home did you hear about the leave his press conference. Still at

controversial about this child-care

centre that has story books

featuring homosexual parents?

That's Play School's jobs. We think

kids should only be exposed to

heterosexual relationships - and

that's why there's this new book

about mummy and daddy and dad yes that's why there's this new book

secretary. And And the Gideon

movement dwibted their 1 millionth

bible to their hotel room. Can you

believe it 1 billion bibles - how

they get this monopoly on our hotel believe it 1 billion bibles - how do

bedside read snlg There's nothing

like more than like flicking Deuteronomy like more than like flicking through

Deuteronomy when I'm watching the

porn channel. What about

non-believer, people of different

faiths? What is there in different

hotels to read? We're supposed to

hotels to read? We're supposed to be a multicultural society. I went to

a multicultural society. I went to I Along to a number of top hotels to

see if I could interest them in top

sacred texts. Do you want the

Gideon's Koran. Do you have the Koran's here

Koran's here yet? Unfortunately not.

You don't want the Koran. We have

got baseball bibles in your room.

We're happy with what we have in

rooms at present. We're not We're happy with what we have in our

interested in. Do you have more

than one copy? One in every room?

Do I think we will start with one room.

Do a test on it and see what

response we have. Have an Islamic

room facing mecca. Do you just buy

the bibles. We have the Cleo hot

bible. We have the Cleo hot sex the bibles. We have the Cleo hot sex

bible. Just leave that copy here.

How do I know you will put it in

don't follow rooms? I might. A lot of people How do I know you will put it in the

don't follow this religion. Hot sex

is really catching on!

Recently it was revealed that US

military interrogators abused and

degraded prisoners at Guantanamo

Bay. Including making them dress up

in women's clothing and perform dog tricks. It sounds tricks. It sounds exactly like the

sort of thing I'm into. Hello, I'd

just like to know whether I can

stand naked in front of a female

member of the military, is that

possible? Maybe be treated like a

dog. Druxs feld is totally into it.

I was recruited here last week.

So you near the military. Do you

want to just humiliate me? I want

you to go down there before I kick

your arse. I like that. That's the

sort of thing I'm into. I'm about

to exploit you off the property and

you don't like that. I love being

escorted. It's my favourite type of

treatment. Ow! That's great.

OK, first up let's take a look at

the current affairs tally board.

Some very exciting results this

week. 'Today Tonight' is ahead of

neighbours from hell. They have a

narrow lead in cranks and oddballs.

And they're ahead in cosmetic

surgery stories. But when it comes

to cosmetic surgery it isn't to cosmetic surgery it isn't how

many stories you can do that counts

but how many breasts you can sweez

into a report.

That's 13. I really like the grey

circles they placed over that

woman's nipples. You may think 13 breast shots is a

breast shots is a lot but that was

stretched across a whole report

whereas Chris sim beyond can top

that number in the first 19 seconds

of his story. A true sign of the

times that tha in the pursuit of a

biggest bust, women opting to go

under the life are getting younger

and younger. Now girls aged 16 and

17 are seeking 17 are seeking cosmetic perfection

but how young is too young? That's

16 breast shots in 19 seconds. He

16 breast shots in 19 seconds. He is the master of ma'am ris. He was so

desperate to cram breasts into his

story he even got two pairs in the

one shot. Chris, the biggest boob

journalism! Now on to today's one shot. Chris, the biggest boob in

lesson - the big issues. We're in

looking back on the June now and we think it's worth

looking back on the amazing year

we've had according to'A Current

Affair'. Let's begin with this

unforgettable day. This was a big

immigrants who don't accept news day. Peter Costello said that

Australian values should leave the

country, a state of emergency was

declared in the Philippines and

was on the brink of civil war but declared in the Philippines and Iraq

nothing was as big as the story'A

Current Affair'

Current Affair' chose to cover that

day. This mayor says a little over

$1,000 has been spent on the smile

per hour campaign installing

per hour campaign installing signeds in several beachside suburbs.

Yes, you heard that right. Port

Phillip Council sent $1,000 on

Phillip Council sent $1,000 on these humorous signs. No wonder there was

rioting in Paris that day. Now,

rioting in Paris that day. Now, Port Phillip council's happy signs would

normally be enough news for one

normally be enough news for one year but then'A Current Affair' the big

stories just keep on coming.

. Now 7 February will live in

history not because of the Iraqi

wheat scandal or because Australia

saw one of the biggest drug stings

ever but because of this tragedy of

global proportions. Tiny global proportions. Tiny tots who

got themselves and their mums

from a family restaurant because got themselves and their mums banned

they were having too much fun.

The day innocence died at the

gourmet pizza kitchen. Now, let's

take a moment to remember where you

were the day Tina and Erina were

asked to leave. For Tina and

Erina, it's no laughing matter.

Do you remember where you were on

the day that Tina and Erina were

thrown out of the gourm you pizza

kitchen? No idea. I'venever heard

kitchen? No idea. I'venever heard of them before. They were having too

much fun. OK. On Neighbours or

something like that? It's the news:

Tina and who? Tina and Erina.

Who are they .7 February, I was probably

probably at work.

Memories. The amazing thing is that

story was almost eclipsed by the

#w407er that followed it. Let's

moved on to the latest UFO sites

over Australia. What a news day

over Australia. What a news day that was. I didn't believe they fit all

that in half an hour. Now for the

biggest news event of the millium.

You know which one we 're talking

about. This next story has us all You know which one we 're talking

take shaking our heads at the

current affair office. The RSL at

Bribie Island has banned bingo

players from eating lollies. It had

everyone in our office shaking our

heads too and ACA reporter David

Margan risked everything to bring

lollies? the truth. What are your favourite Margan risked everything to bring us

lollies? They are. The black ones?

You devil. What a journalist.

So, smile signs, banned toddlers

now banned lollies. These are all So, smile signs, banned toddlers and

national disgraces but what is the

Government doing abit? Nothing.

Surely this is the sort of thing Opposition should be capitalising Surely this is the sort of thing the

answers. on. So we went to demand some

answers. Mr Beazley, what does the

Bribie Island RSL club plan to do

about the disallowing of their

about the disallowing of their bingo players to eat lollies? Mr Beazley

what should be done about the Port

Phillip council spending over $1,

Phillip council spending over $1,000 on smile signs? Typical Beazley,

cowers away br the tough questions.

No wonder whe is going nowhere.

That's what we learnt from That's what we learnt from current

affairs this bleak. -. This week.

Thanks, guys. That's all we have

time for tonight. Please note we

will take a short break for the

two weeks. We won't be off air will take a short break for the next

completely. You can enjoy a couple

of best of shoe shows at the usual

random time lot. Which is what next

week? 10..15. It might be 9:45.

We will be back with

We will be back with new episodes

23 June. Until then, thanks for We will be back with new episodes on

watching. And this time we leave

with Philip Ruddock doing watching. And this time we leave you

they can to make him stop wearing with Philip Ruddock doing everything

that bloody amnesty badge. Goodnight.

No,Phil, no. No, Phil, no. No, Phil!

No, Philip, no, Philip, no. Captioning and Subtitling Closed Captions produced by International Pty Ltd

This program is captioned live. Tonight - going with the flow.

The Prime Minister sinks the privatisation of the Snowy Hydro.

The public is unhappy with the sale of the Snowy and there is no good public policy reason, from our point of view, why the sale should go ahead. You've done a backflip on this, and you're prepared to accept the minority shareholder status in the Snowy River - backflip on Telstra.

Welcome to Lateline. Good evening. I'm Ros Childs. Tonight in our Friday Forum - the politics of Hydro power, the merger cut asunder and the spotlight on IR. and the Spotlight case What we're seeing with Mrs Harris on wages and working conditions is the full bore of their attack

of average Australians.

You know, Wayne, to make the case it's a bit difficult is an attack on wages that the legislation provide for higher wages when 84% of the AWAs registered than would have existed- BOTH SPEAKERS TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER George, if you believe that- ..and none provide for lower wages. ..I think you're pretty silly. If you genuinely believe that, I feel sorry for you because it is not the case. It is the case, Wayne, and you should stop misrepresenting the position. The fact that you have to make this stuff up- Annette Harris was offered 2 cents an hour in compensation for her penalty rates and other conditions- ..that you have to concentrate on and take out of context- ..two cents an hour! one example and you won't face up to the reality that 84% of the 6,230 AWAs so far registered provide for higher wages shows that your are living in unreality. The Liberal's George Brandis and Labor's Wayne Swan

slug it out a little later. But first, our other headlines. Looters paradise. Australian troops stand by and watch as a government store is ransacked in Dili. Ethics and war. A refresher course ordered for coalition troops in Iraq, after claims of another civilian massacre. And one man shot and another arrested, as British police carry out an anti-terrorism raid.

The Snowy Hydro scheme might have taken a quarter of a century to build but it took just a few hours for its proposed privatisation to come crashing to earth. In a rare failure to accurately read the public mood, the PM has admitted that he was surprised

by the depth of anger over the sale of a national icon. But Mr Howard is adamant his decision to abandon the sell-off,

has absolutely no implications for the impending sale

of Telstra or Medibank Private. Dana Robertson reports from Canberra. Not a backflip, says the Prime Minister, but an act of courage. It is important that on occasions, a government have both the courage and the willingness to change its mind on something. John Howard says there's an overwhelming feeling in the community

that the Snowy scheme, which took 25 years and 100,000 people to build, is an Australian icon. Nowhere is the feeling stronger than in the mountains themselves,

where locals led the charge against the sell-off. Why? Why sell a profitable icon? Today, they were overjoyed. (All chant) Hip hip, hooray! I reckon today's about the best day of my life. I have been surprised by the level of public disquiet. It's turned out to be much greater than I expected. It's been much greater than I expected and I don't mind admitting that. Just three days ago, he was full steam ahead. I believe that we can proceed with the sale, confident the Australian community can only benefit from this sale. But then the Prime Minister felt the full force of the opposition within his own ranks.

Quite frankly, the feeling within my own party has grown very strongly. So had the feeling in crucial marginal seats. The Special Minister of State's electorate of Eden Monaro is home to Snowy Hydro. It's also been held by the Government of the day for the past 35 years. And Gary Nairn had plenty of constituents threatening to vote against him next time round. Oh, you always get people that will say on all sorts of issues, you know, "If you don't support this I'll vote against you".

I mean, that is part and parcel of being a member of Parliament, that's part and parcel of being a marginal seat holder, I guess, too. Mr Howard's close friend and political ally, Bill Heffernan, publicly railed against the sale

and Malcolm Turnbull helped broker the final retreat. There were some interesting discussions had.

There was some enthusiastic lobbying. In the end, John Howard decided it wasn't worth the fight. It's never been seen by me as a huge public policy objective. I mean, have you ever heard me make passionate speeches about selling our 13% in Snowy? And the states fell into line. But New South Wales is crying foul. It initiated the sale, and needed the money to prop up its budget promises. It's off.

The PM has made it with his statement - has pulled the rug on the sale. We were the reluctant bride. But the Commonwealth were hell-bent on selling the asset with NSW. The Opposition, which has backed the Snowy sale, is now promising that it too will keep the Hydro in public hands. But it's making the most of the Government's about face. You've done a backflip on this, and you're prepared to accept the minority shareholder status in the Snowy River - backflip on Telstra. I'm not somebody who backs down in relation to things that I really care about. And I will never compromise my commitment to things that I regard as important public policy. The dumping of the Snowy sale means the three governments involved have missed out on $3 billion. And it could yet cost them even more - both the Prime Minister and his Treasurer have foreshadowed compensation being paid to the companies involved in the float so far.

Some put the figure at $20 million. Dana Robertson, Lateline. East Timor's embattled PM, Mari Alkatiri, remains defiant tonight, and is refusing to step down, despite the growing clamour for his resignation. Dili is still prey to sporadic violent attacks by opposing gangs, and there has been widespread looting. Countless homes and businesses have been burned and thousands of people are still too terrified to leave the places where they have sought refuge and return home. Even the presence of the international peacekeeping task force has not persuaded them that the situation is under control and that the lawlessness is at an end. Our correspondent, Geoff Thompson, has this report. After a looting attack on this Australian business in Dili, Australian soldiers are ordered to move in and secure it.

Due to the looting, they've broken in. So we've been asked to come down here and try and secure the building for them while they're on holidays or wherever they are. But at the same time, a few blocks away, a free-for-all looting spree is in full flight at an East Timorese Government warehouse. It's been going on all morning.

Office supplies and car parts,

everything from computers to desks and chairs are being carted off by the young and the old - for at least four hours before Australian forces arrive on the scene. And before you'd know it, they've left. (Speaks local language) "They just come and have a quick look", this man says,

"and then they go again." And the looting continues, leaving a long parade of stolen government goods snaking through the city. Despite the presence in this city of more than 2,000 foreign soldiers, a government warehouse in the centre of Dili can still be stripped bare. Wanton looting, it seems, is not considered to be a threat to East Timor's security.

Most here know they're doing wrong,

but don't care. "This stuff belongs to the government", says this looter, "and the government has abandoned us "so we are taking it." And on it goes, until a handful of Portuguese paramilitary police arrive and quickly shut it down. Soon after, the Australians return. REPORTER: So, are you going to stay here now? SOLDIER: Yes.

And 100,000 people are staying in refugee shelters, including an Australian woman, Lala Noronha and 30 children who have been in her care at a Dili orphanage since 1999. I would take all the kids back if we have, like, security at night. Like, there -