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The Chaser's War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) I loved her, you know... ..Merlinda. I really loved her. No, no, no, I've just heard. we CAN do at the moment, I don't think there's anything to be honest, you know. Erm, yeah, well... OK, bye-bye. I've got to go just now. No, you're fine, really. I'll not keep you. How can we help him? (Sighs) He killed a man. Of course not. Can't walk away from that. He loved her. Hard to find in a place like that. (Tuts) PHONE RINGS Do you want to...? Look...I've got food in. No. Thanks for telling me. Um, listen, thanks for coming. go out for a drink or something. Let me just get that. Maybe we could

Sally. Hi. REFLECTIVE MUSIC Yeah. I know. SONG: # I don't wanna know about you # I only wanna know about love # I don't wanna know about you # I only wanna know about love for me to listen... # # Yes, it's getting hard Closed Captions provided by This program is not subtitled This program is captioned live.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Big week. Yes. Right around

Australia, thanks for joining us.

Welcome to the War for another week.

And, Chris, what an emotional week

it has been. And can we just

apologise straight off the top that

we're not broadcasting live from

Beaconsfield like every other show.

Tracy Grimshaw and'A Current

Affair'. And the Wheel of fortune

too. If you listen close lis you

occasionally they're miners yell too. If you listen close lis you can

out, "Top dollar." But you have

people trapped together for days on

end doing nothing. When ever I

watched it I expected Gretel to

on. Is there a diary room down watched it I expected Gretel to come

there? It makes you think, though.

I've been quite moved by the whole

thing and it's made me think about

mortality and those less fortunate

than ourselves. We keep hearing

about the plight of starving people

in stake but there's an even bigger

plight that is ignored - a section

of society which needs food more

badly than anybody else. Fashion

models. The forgotten victims of

time. We weren't prepared to stand models. The forgotten victims of our

by and watch them fade away. So we

decided to try to do something

it, by organising a food drop at decided to try to do something about

Australian Fashion Week.

Chris, do you see anything?

Yeah, Chris, do you see me? Over

here. We're over here. We have

major need down here. It's a

humanitarian disaster waiting to

occur. There's some really skinny

models down here. Can you see me?

Down here. Drop away.

Down here, don't drop them on the

models. I can see it. They're

down. Good work. Are you a model, models. I can see it. They're coming

this is from the UN food trade

program for the food for models

program. Gee, thanks. How much do

you need? Heaps. I don't do carbs.

You're looking skinnies. Keep some

for yourself. Do you want some rice?

This one is cocaine, do you think

the models want that? Excuse me, UN

food for you?

Come in, it's budget time again,

Treasurer has gone crazy selling Come in, it's budget time again, the

the lot. If we cut fees like this Treasurer has gone crazy selling off

will make you sick. You will need the lot. If we cut fees like this we

extra cover for the heart attack

will get when you see our prices. extra cover for the heart attack you

wonder we have the

wonder we have the word bank in our will get when you see our prices. No

name. As long as there's something

in it for me. I don't think you

find that. Grab it while it lasts. in it for me. I don't think you will

There's only Telstra and Australia

postto go. Bring your truck and

trailer and your bed because you

don't get one in hospital. It's

privatisation madness. We have

lowered dour premiums so we can

them on to ourselves. Hello. I lowered dour premiums so we can pass

have a permit. I'm the surprise them on to ourselves. Hello. I don't

spruiker. Usually security picks it

up and carries it away. I'm sorry

that will make you even more money.

I 'm very excited. Only a few days

to go now until the da Vinci code

movie. But Dan Brown continues to

dogged by plagiarism claims. It movie. But Dan Brown continues to be

seems every writer on the planet

believes they wrote it first,

including Steve Waugh. Personally

it's a mystery while anyone would

claim credit for that piece of crap

but it's certainly spawned

spin-offs. First we had cracking

da Vinci code and then the cracking spin-offs. First we had cracking the

of the cracking of the da Vinci

code. Anything to do with the code

becomes a bestseller. Not my book,

cracking the shits with the da

code. No-one turns up at book cracking the shits with the da Vinci

signings i.s it's embarrassing

actually. So I've decided to take a

different strategy to I offered to

sign other people's books that

work. Would you like anything sign other people's books that might

signed? No, thank you. Dan Brown?

Steve Waugh? No. Are you the

author? No,I'm just signing.

I'm sorry, I don't know who you are?

Julian. But what books do you write?

I am not an author. This is one

my favourites. Who would you like I am not an author. This is one of

this to be from? From Dan Brown?

Yeah. You're not Dan Brown. No

.Why would I want it signed?

To Howard... And I will let you do

the rest. Hi. Very profound. Would

you like me to sign your suchy?

What is your name? Carolyn. Could

you sign this? Would you like me to

sign the baby? Is this bloke

right? I go round all the book

stores until the management finds

out who I am. I can take over from

you now, Peter, if you like. I do

book signings all the time. Thanks

lot. What would you like it made book signings all the time. Thanks a

out to? Nobody, just the Sith.

Peter cary, here you go. Fantastic.

All of them? Please. Great, no

worries. It's fine. Have a break,

mate. I will look after this for

you. This is for your boy. Sorry

late. This is a long queue. Would you. This is for your boy. Sorry I'm

you like me to sign it by myself?

Alright. No X. Just the signing.

The only thing we've told you is we

always have a male sacrifice.

Girls. It's on! I tell you what

this is better than my signing with

Peter Carrey, I tell you. Excellent. From

Welcome to famous face-off. After

the dismal failure of our news

readers some weeks back, tonight we

have sports casters. They have to

deal with all sorts of strange

player names. So who can get their

tongue around the toughest sports

report? Ladies and gentlemen,

report? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our country's two greaters

sports commentators - Les Murray

sports commentators - Les Murray and Peter Wilkins. Thank you. Welcome

to the show. Guys we've written

to the show. Guys we've written you a sports report each. You've never

seen them before but you have to

read them off the awo cue as best

you can. Whoever makes the most

mistakes is an idiot! Alright.

mistakes is an idiot! Alright. Let's do the toss. Les, you're up first.

Ready. Set. Sport. Now ( Ready. Set. Sport. Now

(Buzzer sounds) (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds) (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds) (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds). Well done, Les. It

was a mere 11 mistakes probably. I

don't know. Alright, Peter, now are

you ready? Yes. It'syour turn I'm

afraid. Ready, set, sport.

(Buzzer sounds)... You have to sing

it, Peter. (Buzzer sounds)

sounds), (Buzzer sounds). it, Peter. (Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds)

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds),

(Buzzer sounds), (Buzzer sounds). Yes,fantastic effort from Peter

there. An extraordinary performance

with a mere 112 mistakes, which

means the greatest sports castiner

the world is Les Murray!

Congratulations, Les. Well done,

mate. Thanks, Peter. Well done.

Cheers, mate.

They said it wasn't possible.

They said it wasn't natural.

40 hours straight. They were wrong.

Where have you been? You're not

leaving until you finish all these.

And now it's ood Andrew Hansen

comedy song. No, no, no, I'm not

doing the song. I'm not going to

play the song. I am never going to

do another song ever again. I've

given up doing songs. I've decided

they don't work. I've recorded

they don't work. I've recorded about is00 of these series and I will

never play another one and if you

listen to this I will tell you why.

(Sings) # I don't think comedy

(Sings) # I don't think comedy songs work on TV. TV's meant to be a

visual medium, it's not well suited

to the terrible tedium of looking

to the terrible tedium of looking at the same old shot of a comedian

the same old shot of a comedian with a guitar. And when the mix up the

angles it's not OK there's a 1980s

feel about the way the cameras make

it look really gay. I don't think

comedy songs work on TV. Something

about them is kind of cheesy, don't

you think it just seems too easy,

singing jokes which fi f they were

spoken wouldn't be good, you can

turn any old thing diso d'oh a

turn any old thing diso d'oh a funny line, just by making sure that the

fucking thing rhymes, it's even

funnier if you swear sometimes. I

don't think comedy songs work on TV.

You... can... use a piano to add

some class or go the other way and

show your arse all too distract

show your arse all too distract from the very sad fact the material's

shite. You can do an amusing

character creation, overacting in

desperation with viewers cringing

across the nation, I don't think

comedy songs work, I don't think

comedy songs ork on TV. - on T... V.

#

SILENCE You know the people who are

handing things out to you on the

streets. Yes. No-one ever seems to

take the flyers off them. I never

take them. I go out of the way to

avert my eyes and speed up. No-one

takes them. It got me wondering how

determined are we to ignore these

people. Would you pass them if you

people. Would you pass them if you were handing out $5 notes. Free

money. Free money. Money?

No thanks. She saw it. No, we

No thanks. She saw it. No, we don't want that. People whinge about an

interest rate hike and if you offer

them money they don't take it.

Itdecided to raise the stakes a bit.

What if I was standing out $50

What if I was standing out $50 notes instead. Surely then you couldn't

resist a pineapple. Free money

anyone? Free money, guys? Free

money. Free money. Going cheap.

money. Free money. Going cheap. Free money. Take some free money. Free

money, madam. Free money. Free

money?

That's bizarre. Cost tello, don't

worry about tax cuts, everyone has

enough money apparent limit A bit

enough money apparent limit A bit of cinema news. You know how Hollywood

loves to remake French movies dick

the Birdkaing, tlee men and a baby,

all big hits in France. I've always

wondered why you never see it

wondered why you never see it happen the other way. A French remake of a

Hollywood film? Yeah. That's what I

thought. But it turns out this week

in Paris they've just released a

French remake of American Pie. We

have our hands on the trailer.

have our hands on the trailer. Check this out. This summer, four young

students are going to the se bon.

No.

But before they get there, there's

just one thing they've got to do.

And as they're about to discover,

sometimes there's more to existence

than going all the way.

In finding true love is not always

as easy as pie.

At boost juice bar we're getting

down to earth with our new

invigorating dirt shots. With the

earth's most natural minerals. It's

enriched with the natural healing

powers of the jojoba plant. And at

$18 a shot they're dirt cheap. Now

available in dirt you licious

smoothies. Goodness never tasted so

bad!

And in other news this week -

interest rates have risen for the

second time since John Howard was

reelekd. Already the PM has slam

Reserve Bank for breaking his

election promise but said at least

the bad economic news has lowered

the interest rates in the AWB

scandal. The media have copped flak

for their coverage of the

Beaconsfield mine scandal. Thank

Beaconsfield mine scandal. Thank God Naomi was there to bring us

Naomi was there to bring us insights like this. Now to the shock exit of

Toby Alen from Dancing with the

stars. It could take 72 hours for

the mierns to get through the mine

and 90 minutes to get through the

media. To big the mierns out

rescuers have elected to use a high

powered bore, so Philip Ruddock was

rushed to the sight. The PM has hit

back saying the only reason the

miners were that far underground is

they were looking for Mr Beazley

es's approval rating. Private Jake

Kovco has finally been laid to rest,

but it would have been worst, his

coffin would have been handled by

Qantas baggage handlers and he

Qantas baggage handlers and he would have ended up in a boogie board bag.

When you need a miracle the only

Aussie you can turn to is Mother

Mary MacKillop. Maybe this is her

big chance. I know that Mary has

been struggling for a miracle.

Nothing short of a miracle can win

this man a Gold Logie. Would you do

that? I can. I've been

that? I can. I've been watching'Blue Heelers'. Why haven't you prayed

Heelers'. Why haven't you prayed for him? Because I didn't think he

needed it. Could you SMS your

prayers? Yes. I think they're

probably more effective. We will

pray for John. After three years

pray for John. After three years off Shane Warne is considering a return

to one dayers. He's also

to one dayers. He's also considering a return to one nierths after talk

to several blondes. And designers

to several blondes. And designers of Australian Fashion Week have been

accused of an Anglo centric bias.

Not a single runway show offered

anything new for Islamic women.

It's frustrating for style

It's frustrating for style conscious Muslim always stuck with the same

old hijab. It's a massive oversight,

so we took a few samples along to

Fashion Week to see how much

interest there could be in cutting

edge Islamic wear.

New Islamic fashions this sfring

anyone? Anyone interested in

buying? Which do you prefer, the

Versace or the distressed Denham?

I like the distressed Denham.

He is genuinely distressed. He

He is genuinely distressed. He looks like a boerm. It is not meant to be

confronting. Fashion should be

confronting. Is that summer?

Definitely. This is the beach wear.

Do you think it's a bit too

revealing? Not at all: Personally I

regard it as immodest. Do you?

Wait till you see the priest show

later on. They have some fantastic

vestments for this spring. Which

vestments for this spring. Which are your favourite? None. Why not?

Too many ak rilics died for that

one. And here? His nose doesn't do

it.

Last year, archaeologist Peter

Bolton unveiled the mysteries of e)

jipt in his I claimed series

jipt in his I claimed series secrets of the Pharohs. Here we are in the

Valley of the Kings, a truly

extraordinary collection of tombs

filled with fascinating remains.

Now join peert as he unlocks the

secrets of another intriguing

culture - in municipal semrys of

Australia. Here we are in Sydney's

rockwood serm tri, an extraordinary

collection of tombs. Digging up the

treasurer oufrs a not-forgotten

civilisation. Thishousewife was

iventerred as many as three years

ago. And shedding new light on our

extremely recent past. Oi, what the

fuck do you think you're doing.

This man creates an insight -

Get out of there. Explore the

unfathomable mysteries of the

municipal cemeteries of Australia -

8:30 Wednesday on ABC. These bones

belong in the British museum.

No, they don't. Yes, they do.

Shut up!

Problems with the militants. You

Problems with the militants. You may say that but in mystery who Napoleon at

say that but in mystery who defeated Napoleon at Water low. When it

Napoleon at Water low. When it comes to questions of history, I think

it's important that we all take a

lesson out of Wellington's notebook,

which is make sure that you round

your troops in the British Red

Square and fight off the French

before they make their way to the

top of the hill. Itwould have

top of the hill. Itwould have helped the Duke of Wellington, but that is

correct.

We mentioned the Logies are on this

Sunday. Do you have to use the

phrase night of nights. But it's

technically botox's night of night.

Craig is getting his done now.

Looking very good there. I am

looking forward to the Logies.

There's great new categories - best

performance in an axed drama.

Most intrusive lotto results during

a program. And the very special

award for the most repeated

award for the most repeated Simpsons episode on Channel 10. They have

five different hosts this year.

five different hosts this year. They all help us celebrate 50 years of

mediocrity on television. That is

mediocrity on television. That is it from us for another week. Goodnight.

Goodnight everyone. >>Sh Closed Captions produced by Captioning and Subtitling International Pty Ltd

This program is captioned live. Tonight - the gap narrows. Drilling towards the Beaconsfield miners takes a shorter route while the Tasmanian town remains long on humour. They wanted to know whether we are appreciative of their conditions. They call where they are a two-star hotel. They're the two stars.

Good evening. Welcome to Lateline. I'm Maxine McKew. In a moment, we'll update the condition of Sydney girl Sophie Delezio, injured in a horrific crash 2.5 years ago, again in intensive care

And we'll cross to Melbourne at the city's Northern Beaches. after another accident

Michael Kroger to talk to Liberal powerbroker in Victoria. about the state of the party But first, our other headlines. guessing game - The great interest rates the likelihood of further increases. the Reserve Bank plays down Wielding the axe - the deck chairs Tony Blair rearranges in local government elections. after Labour's poor showing And, called to account -

the Iraq war by a former CIA agent. Donald Rumsfeld labelled a liar over CONTINUES AT THE BEACONSFIELD THE PAINSTAKING RESCUE WORK TRAPPED IN THE ANZAC DAY ROCKFALL . IT'S BEEN 10 DAYS SINCE THEY WERE Almost a kilometre underground, Todd Russell and Brant Webb are said to be reassured by the sound of drilling getting closer. It's still painfully slow work, progressing at about half a metre an hour. The union says the rescue tunnel is taking a shorter route than anticipated, of only 13m. They've advanced about two-thirds of the way but no-one is willing to predict when they'll be released. I am not in a position to speculate. No, I'm sorry, what we're doing is unique. As I said previously, It's unfair to set deadlines that we then miss. and then get expectations up everything possible. These guys know we're doing on Sunday, Since they were discovered alive from dry biscuits and water their diet has expanded and home-made chicken soup. to include cereals, fresh fruit appreciative of their conditions. They wanted to know whether we were a 2-star hotel - They call where they are they're the two stars! They're just amazing. to the pair Mr Gill has conveyed a message from the leader of one of Brant Webb's favourite bands, the Foo Fighters. Basically thinking of you and anywhere, any time to catch up, with two cold beers, and Dave wanted to know if that was a deal and I can tell Dave that those two say that, yes, that's a deal. How did Dave know about Brant's - Through the media! Local businesses are doing a roaring trade, feeding the dozens of journalists from around Australia and the world who have descended to devour the story. for good quality food and drink, There's been extraordinary demand

particularly coffee. love their coffee. We all know the media primary school Most students at the Beaconsfield surrounding the rescue. have been swept up by the hype in many ways for them. It's been an exciting week on the soccer field, They've had helicopters landing running stories, they've had media in the school both local and national. visit the school who they know They've had media personalities and sign autographs. Some welcome news today

worried about paying their bills. for the 120 mining families

They've been told they will continue on full pay for at least a month. And the mine's major creditor, Macquarie Bank, is offering $100,000 for a miners' support fund. It's also ensured workers entitlements and will make employees shareholders in the mine if it reopens. After Sunday night's euphoria at the news that Mr Webb and Mr Russell were alive...

(All cheer) from the spotlight. ..their families have retreated to be part of the 'Truman Story', I don't think they necessarily want if you know what I mean. and the rescuers I understand that the company some arrangements are trying to work out because of the legitimate interest with these blokes. in knowing what's gone on the public attention pressure But I do think they sort of feel quite intensely at the moment. Mr Shorten's indicated the media bidding war is continuing for the men's stories. In terms of has story been told, let's be very clear, these families make their own decisions. The union is not at all, at all getting involved in this issue about their media rights.

And, in terms of the arrangements they've made, I don't know. And I'm sure that they're not rushing into anything. While the media entourage holds the fort above ground, the men they're assembled to see continue their long wait for salvation. Catherine Akers, Lateline. Well, joining us now is the National Secretary of the Australian Workers Union, Bill Shorten, who's been in Beaconsfield all week.

This news of a shorter route, just

how encouraging is that as you see it tonight?

it tonight? I think it sounds how encouraging is that as you see

sensible: I had the opportunity to

talk to some of our members who

probably be in the mining team talk to some of our members who will

will unite the rescuers with Brant probably be in the mining team which

and Todd. The shorter tunnel means

there will be less of the major

drilling going on, which will cause

less vibration. What it will mean

that the - I think we were talking less vibration. What it will mean is

about in the last couple of days

this idea that this tunnel would

sort of appear underneath where the

men are and up like ground hogs

through a metre crust would appear

the rescuers. It appears a slightly

shorter routes neence rescuers will

come in near the rock fall and

scramble through some of the fill

and try to meet the men that way.

Is it still the case then as I was

reading earlier today that the

reading earlier today that the mienl phase, though, involves res kiers

almost on their backs using jack

hammers. If that's the case it

sounds like a feat in itself?

That's right. I was talking to some

of the blokes who will have to be

of the blokes who will have to be on their backs doing jack hammers.

Whatever they do, the shorter or

longer path, the tonne ul goes

undermete the level of the mine

where the blokes were trapped. And

they will have to come up and so

that will involve - it's a 1,000

millimetre diameter tunnel. So if

you can imagine lying in a metre

pushing a drill. It's amazing in you can imagine lying in a metre and

this high-tech age it will be sheer

physical brawn with pick and shovel

which will rescue these men, we

hope. And high hopes that all those

rocks hold, particularly the rocks

around that cage that the men are

in. That's right. Whilst the mood

in the town and the last few hours

has lifted, the councilworks have

put out some bunting and there's

areas allocated for the media and

the public, they're not out of the

ground yet. They are in a rock fall

which killed a man. They have been

trapped here for what we think in

the union is one of the longest

single entrapments or men underground stuck understood ground

that we're aware of and certainly

Australian mining history. Thingies

can still go wrong and

can still go wrong and interestingly Todd Russell fed back toers take

your time, do it properly and we

will get home safely. That's

amazing. Isn't it. Along with that

story, we're hearing about them

story, we're hearing about them wise crack and all the rest of it. Their

spirits must be extraordinary after

all this time in such a tiny

dreadful place. The unions had the

opportunity to sort of catch up

our members who come off the shifts opportunity to sort of catch up with

and find out how it's going and how

they're going. Our blocks and

they're tough blokes these northern

Tasmanian hard rock mierns, they're

amazed at how these features of the

work mates have emerged. Each of

them buck each other up. But the

fact you have a sense of humour -

makes you proud to be Australian. fact you have a sense of humour - it

How much confidence has there been

in the way the whole rescue effort

has been organised in what's been a

very collaborative way. Yes, listen

it's a matter of record that the

union and the company didn't see

to eye with organising the work union and the company didn't see eye

to eye with organising the work site but in this rescue effort it is

good, it shows some things are more

important than what divides us.

Everyone has been working together,

from the local churches to the

families to the community to the

families to the community to the res diers the managers. Everyone is

diers the managers. Everyone is work together on one focus. That is to

rescue these men. We are the

rescue these men. We are the tragedy of Larry niet's death. His family

are putting on hold having the

funeral because they want to see

these men rescued and one thing at

time. I don't know - I don't know these men rescued and one thing at a

there's many families who would time. I don't know - I don't know if

that sort of grace under pressure. there's many families who would have

There is the other development

with an eye to the future, two There is the other development today

gestures from Macquarie Bank. Could

you talk us through those, ?100,000

to the fighting fund but another

pack j assuming the mine can be

operational again at some stage.

What is that about? I had the

opportunity to speak with Alan Moss

today, the head of the bank. They

are a significant creditor of the

mine. The mine has been in

administration for a number of

years. Macquarie Bank are a major

creditor. Macquarie bang have made

the decision - the unions created a

family support fund. That is money

to go to the families. That

to go to the families. That families fund was set up when we didn't

fund was set up when we didn't quite know what had happened to Todd and

Brant but the knight family is a

Brant but the knight family is a key beneficiary. The other issue is the

fate of the mine. Management, the

union, everyone has parked that

discussion and full credit to the

understood ground res kiers they've

focus onds the rescue without

knowing what the future holds. The

bank has said for their portion of

the debt, which is about 50%, they

will subordinate their priority and

allocate Cate theworks priority to

entitlements above theirs. That is

positive thing. I can't be churlish entitlements above theirs. That is a

about that. But of course we're not

out of the woods. But the other

interesting feature is if the mine

does have a future and this

is the big question mark, what does have a future and this probably

Macquarie Bank have said and I'm

sure their lawyers who might be

landing to say, what I understand

them to be saying is the miners

hold in sort of trust, in them to be saying is the miners will

hold in sort of trust, in beneficial trust for the miner, Macquarie will

allocate their share of the

allocate their share of the business to them. In other words Macquarie

want out I think. The mine may have

some value but as some of my blokes

said tonight having a beneficial

interest in something that is not

going to operate is cold

going to operate is cold consolation but nonetheless someone in

but nonetheless someone in Macquarie Bank has decided to pre-empt some

Bank has decided to pre-empt some of the debate about the future by

making an announcement today.

For brig us up to day, Bill Shorten

thanks very much indeed. Thanks. interest rates, Just three days after jacking up