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The Chasers War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) Early in the morning

With a drunken sailor # That's what we do # Early in the morning! # Michelle Hernandez Closed Captions by CSI -

This program is not subtitled This Program is Captioned Live. THEME MUSIC

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. A huge hello. Hello. welcome to the war for another week. Right across Australia, to have your company, It's excellent as always of the week that was. as we try to make sense was jet-setting all over the world Yes, a week when our Prime Minister for climate talks. And here's a little tip, Mr Rudd, the world's carbon emissions, if you want to reduce every two seconds. maybe stop getting on a plane He should follow the lead of Al Gore, Yes, yes. on a deckchair. who flew in to Australia this week to travel. It's the only responsible way But the Prime Minister, on this issue. he needs to hang his head in shame top polluters right now If you have a look at the world's puts him just behind China Rudd's constant plane travel

emissions from Rudd's hairdryer. and it's almost as bad as the the economy was also on the agenda During his travels, Chancellor, Angela Merkel, in Berlin, when Rudd met with the German spell out the issues in simple terms. and it was great to see the PM have anything emerge from the MEF It's highly unlikely that you'll specificity. by way of detailed programmatic Detailed programmatic specificity? it sure as hell isn't English. Is he speaking German, because what it is, Chris, No, I think I've worked out it's one of the 20 Radiohead tracks Hottest 100 of all Time. from Triple J's detailed programmatic specificity. COMPUTER: Fitter, happier,

Of course, it's catchy. confronting Rudd when he got home But of course the big issue between Australia and China was the diplomatic row brewing of this Rio Tinto executive. over the detention quite an historic precedent, Yes, this actually sets because it's the first time ever for a Rio Tinto executive. that anyone has ever felt sorry this and make head or tail of it, Yes. Now as far as I can follow all to a stand-off the whole thing basically boils down Stern Hu, between the Rio executive, Even Sterner Hu. and China's President, for not intervening. And Kevin Rudd's copping flak skills might actually be useful I mean, the one time his Mandarin the phone to talk to China. and he's refusing to pick up Well, that's not quite true, Chris. to negotiate with them. He has made some attempts How has it not worked? Elsewhere this week, was in the firing line former US Vice-President Dick Cheney counter-terrorism project over revelations of a top secret even from Congress. which he concealed has now intensified the debate And this latest news should face criminal prosecution about whether people like Cheney for authorising torture. Yes, and when it comes to torture, in his boots is this man, another person who must be sweating of torture under George W Bush. John Yoo, the chief legal architect who justified torture This is the guy techniques. as enhanced interrogation

So now that he's not with Bush, law at Berkeley University. John Yoo lectures in international So as keen students of his work, one of his lectures. we thought we'd attend about how this - (FAINTLY) Are there any questions I've got one question. (MUFFLED) Actually, Professor, You're using your right to silence. (STUDENTS APPLAUD) Oh, please, Professor. of time I'll give you a certain amount before I report you to security. need to leave NOW. Excuse me, non-class members down the road - OK. I'll go to the Human Rights class Excuse me, out now, please. This is a private classroom. of America's torture But of course the real architect was Dick Cheney himself. techniques that Cheney approved And one of the most bizarre music over and over. involved playing incredibly loud Rage Against the Machine They played Metallica, and, weirdest of all, character, Barney the Dinosaur. they played songs by the children's for an artist like Barney, This is true. It's great exposure a potential new market. helping him reach the lucrative royalties Not to mention played so many times. from having his song a bit of a sore point. Well, actually, that's become all the royalties he owes him. Dick Cheney still hasn't paid Barney and chase him down for the money. So poor Barney's had to go Yeah, we love this music. BARNEY SONG PLAYS LOUDLY INTERCOM RINGS I'm looking for Dick Cheney. Hello, it's Barney the Dinosaur, Dick, please, I want my royalties. OK, I'll just wait for him. LOUD MUSIC CONTINUES INTERCOM BEEPS What is that beeping? Is this going to explode? I'm not a quail, don't shoot me. Hi. Hi, kids. Hi, this is Barney the Torturer. So do I, the first time. Hello, sir. to be Barney the Dinosaur? It's a felony Sorry. Barney's royalties from Dick. We're just trying to get The royalties. I Love You, have you heard it? He's been using our song a lot, # I love you, you love me No. You know the one? # Let's torture an Iraqi. # Sure, no probs. I won't. I know, it tortures them.

LAUGHTER Yeah, yeah, yeah. THEME MUSIC DRAMATIC MUSIC crossed the Himalayas He's been to the Sahara, and even travelled from pole to pole. Now, intrepid explorer Michael Palin adventure yet. sets out on his most challenging I've never been to a place In all my years of travel, and unpleasant to navigate as this. as difficult to conquer One man's race against time shopping centres in the world. one of the most unforgiving and disoriented. Day 26 and already I'm feeling dazed We've lost two whole weeks how to read the store directory. just trying to work out And the extraordinary characters he meets along the way, from the friendly... Would you like to sign up for a credit card? No, thank you. the persistent. Hello, sir, Can I interest you in - Piss off. As he climbs to the depths of despair in pursuit of the ultimate destination. Well, we've been in the Westfield car park for six days now. We still have no idea where our car is. Can I interest you in a free credit card, sir? You bastard.

Now, when I was in America recently I really needed a coffee.

But no matter how hard I looked, all I could find was Starbucks. Yes, you see, you can't get anything resembling coffee in there. No, no, you can't. But what's amazing is just how many Starbucks outlets there are over there. In Manhattan alone, there's, like, 160 of them.

In fact, I do not think that these Americans will be happy until someone opens a Starbucks inside a Starbucks. MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY Hi, almost ready. Just setting up. Just constructing a new Starbucks outlet. Head Office says there aren't enough Starbucks in Manhattan, so we're just building another one. Which store? Which street's that? 48th and Park, isn't it? Yeah, this the inside the 48th and Park outlet, outlet. Oh, this is straight from the top. This is from Mr Starbuck himself. Yeah, the big guy, the big boss. Would you like a coffee?

Is it too inconvenient here? I can move it closer to you if you like. There, nice and close. That more convenient, ma'am? Oh, Starbucks are very happy, they want us to be wherever we can. They're gonna send another guy there and another guy there in a couple of hours. There's, what, ten square metres here? We could fit four or five more stores in, easily. Umm. 007? I'm a secret agent coffee seller. Do you want a drink while you wait? Really? Yeah. I'm a bit worried if we leave this vacant, some other coffee outlet will move in. The way you're throwing me out, I think it's very good. I think you're doing it very well, and that's why I'm willing to offer you a job working for my outlet. OK, OK. Alright. So, hang on. It's not closing time yet. What are you doing?

You've heard it on TV - (LAUGHS VERY ODDLY) Now get the world's most annoying laugh as a security alarm. Use it in the home. (ODD LAUGHTER) In the car. (ODD LAUGHTER) Or even as a torture technique at Guantanamo Bay. No, stop! As named by the CSIRO as the most repellent sound ever made. Oh, it's worse than the Jeanne Little laugh. Get yours today.

Now, Kevin Rudd's been called a lot of things since he became Prime Minister, but I don't think anyone would ever accuse him of being cool. I mean, compare Rudd to the US President, Barack Obama. Obama is cool. He's cool. He can shoot hoops... Bang. ..he can swat flies ... Nice. In fact, he can even do ball tricks while giving the State of the Union address.

Thank you, God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. That is cool. That is very cool. The man's a freak. Incredible. But, you know, more than anything else, he is a fantastic orator. I mean, who could forget the speech that started it all off, the Yes We Can speech. Great oratory. Well, that speech struck such a chord with people that the lead singer of the Black Eyed Peas and some fellow celebs turned it into a song, using the words of the speech as the lyrics. It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

ALL REPEAT: Yes, we can. It's rousing stuff and I think the reason that song works is because Obama's language is so naturally lyrical.

And the thing I can't work out for the life of me

why has no-one else tried to turn Kevin Rudd's speeches into a song. It's baffling, isn't it? The man's a natural poet. I hear music whenever he talks. But Australia's artists, for some reason, haven't had the vision to adapt Rudd's stirring words into a song. So we decided to go into the recording studio and do it ourselves. GUITAR STRUMS History has given our generation the opportunity to shape a new future and the public will, ah, know the consequences

in due season. We have, therefore, an agenda of work now to prosecute... due season. REPEATS: In due season.

Here is a stage and here are some sub-terms of reference and this will be reported back in due season. ALL REPEAT: In due season. On the question of public accountability and public reporting, data will flow.

How come? It should be there for all to see. ALL REPEAT: In due season. .. in due season. Ah, it's hard to get it. REPEATS: In due season. Appropriate processes. In due season. Natural complementarity. Some form of conceptual synthesis.

Conceptual synthesis. (SPEAKS MOCK MANDARIN) Something like that.

Part of the purpose of my remarks tonight was to underline the importance of not just maintaining, strengthening, the fabric of our bilateral security,

but also, to work together on developing further the habits of multilateral co-operation. So he's actually fucking said that? What we should consider then, is a course of practical action, that may assist in building complementarities already inherent in due season. We, the Australian Government, believe the minima -

move to a greater position of transparency - I actually don't understand a word he said.

ALL REPEAT: In due season. MUSIC SLOWS Too much? Working families. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE To finance news now... About time. ..we've been hearing a lot about tax minimisation lately, what with the Paul Hogan case in High Court and so on. But my favourite story still remains the one about a Dallas finance company, Fidelity Investments, now they minimise their tax by keeping cows on their property so that they qualify for an agricultural exemption. Yes, in Dallas, farms pay heaps less tax. So this finance company is actually claiming that their big office block is a farm just 'cause they keep a few cows around. It is a fantastic scam.

It's not just a scam, Craig. That's very cynical of you.

These cows, they pull their weight around the office. I mean, look, here we go, here's one of them doing a bit of photocopying.

Here's another one right here giving a PowerPoint presentation to some prospective investors. And, look, here's one doing cocaine with two of his stockbroker mates. Fitting right in to the finance industry. He's making himself right at home. Alright, elsewhere this week, did you see this? In the wake of the global recession, several top corporations have started selling off their valuable art collections. Because they love their art, these corporate types, don't they? Oh, they do. They love their art. But most corporations have huge art collections. You know, if you go into the corporate foyers, there's always spectacular artwork on the walls. Yeah, often from some big name artists. But I'm always surprised the art isn't tailored a little bit more to the company in question. Yeah, I agree. They should be hanging up art that's relevant to their business. Absolutely. So I hit the corporate world some more appropriate artwork. to see if I could sell them for Qantas. I've got a delivery of some artwork It's the scream, by Edward Munch. have you heard of it? No? It's the Screaming Passenger, Are they the art critics here? Got new artwork for the foyer here. to go here. It's the Mona Lisa with emphysema, What do you mean? No, no. in the entry hall? Do you want to put it Gorgeous, isn't it, mate? That's beautiful.

Ohh. It's a frame. Just got a delivery here. We didn't know what to put in it, either Stern Hu or - you guys can chose who to get framed. Ask the President, maybe, I've got no idea. No problems. Shall I start knocking it up? Got to leave?

I'll leave the framing to the experts. Ok, we've just go this artwork for Exxon. I think it's for the boardroom. It's a Monet, Water Lilies. It's Monet's original, with a bit of Valdez on the top here. The paint? No, no, that's just the oils. spoiled Monet's Water Lilies, It's a bit of a shame, it's slightly we'll be able to fix it up. but, you know, So if I just leave this here and clean it up, right? and you guys can sort it out No, it's your problem now. This is for you. Well, not you personally - it's a giant cock. Delivery to Trump Tower, It's for...for a giant cock. No, no, I'm sorry. I just deliver the cocks. You don't want it here? then it looks like Donald. No, I think it has a hairpiece, Is it not gold-encrusted enough? You don't want the cock? Alright. Too many giant cocks in this place.

for going well over budget His movies are renowned

and being plagued by misfortune.

is once again up against it Now director Terry Gilliam shooting a Brand Power commercial. on the set of his latest production, relatively easy, cheap turnaround, On paper, it looked like a on relocating the supermarket but then Terry insisted easy on any of us. to Tunisia, here, which has not been Two weeks into shooting the ad, for a type of spreadable cheese, believed to be the production hit a snag slipped a disc in her back when the Brand Power woman and was eaten alive by hyenas. to replace the woman, Gilliam brought Johnny Depp in after three days, but he had to leave on a Zoot TV ad. due to a prior commitment We're fucked. obviously, Losing Johnny was a big setback, using a cow, but we are still trying to go ahead as well. which also helps for tax purposes COW MOOS a freak cyclone hit the area... But one week later, (SCREAMS) Yes! the supermarket set ..completely devastating and blowing away the onscreen talent. COO MOOS WITH PANIC For Gilliam, it was the final straw.

but to shut down the production Left with no option the only way he knows how. by Wheels on Meals. This newsbreak update brought to you Wheel, Mrs Price? Help out your loved one today, tram or tractor wheels with a choice of bicycle,

cuisine. on top of our delicious home-cooked on request. Spinning wheels also available Wheels On Meals. Because we care. Welcome to Nutjob of the Week. is this man. And our first nutjob for the series leading clinical hypnotherapists Steve G Jones is one of the world's and achieve your goals. and can help you change your life Yes, Steve G Jones, clinical hypnotherapists, one of the world's leading according to himself. of mental manipulation. This man has amazing powers

their nose just by talking to them. He can even make someone scratch I could say, If I want you to scratch your nose, the other day "I was walking down the street and I saw a scratch on a car and I thought it might be your car and I thought, who knows?" that works or not, that technique. Now, I don't know whether So I thought I'd try out some hypnotic suggestion to see if I could control someone at a press conference I went to the other day. And another big part of it is these new investments in teacher quality, which we're making today. A question for Miss Gillard. If a bee flew in through a slightly open window, do you think people would be confused about how it got inside? If a bee...Oh, right...confused. It works. It actually works!

Very good technique. That's not - no, there's more. But that's not all. of the mind to change the topic Steve G Jones can also use the power in a boring conversation. when you're stuck for as long as you can stand it, You would be in that conversation like, "Hey, is that a UFO?" redirect them by saying something So, let's go ahead and act this out. enjoy watching the Miami Dolphins. So, you know, Catherine, I really

Is that a UFO? Having grown up in Florida -

Do you like my shirt? Is that a - like that. Where'd you get it? Yes, it's very nice red. I really It sounds like a useful trick. That's very subtle. I mean, only the other day

in an extremely boring conversation. I found myself trapped are therefore all states. These national partnerships We entered into them at the end of last year - Hey, is that a UFO? What do you think of my shirt? We entered into them at the end of last year and we are driving this education revolution. I cannot believe that incredibly sensible technique didn't work. I know. Maybe I need more Steve G Jones training. If only I could buy hundreds of bizarre hypnosis CDs from him. Really? Well, you're in luck. website, he has all kinds of crap. 'Cause over at Steve G Jones's

any illness on Earth Who needs doctors when you can cure simply by listening to a CD? Yes, and I swear all these CDs

from Steve's online store. are genuinely available cure bad breath, His hypnosis can apparently smelly feet, having a small penis, of afflictions, fear of frogs. and that most dreaded Andrew. He has amazing healing powers, his Unwanted Hair Growth CD. Just watch what happens when you play a massive effect on you already. Oh my god, Andrew, it's had What you need to do right now is listen to Steve's reverse ageing CD. Oh, phew. I've seen the future, it's not pretty. Now those CDs, they cost $30 each. But how much would you expect to pay for a private session with the world's greatest hypnotherapist? $1000? $500? $250? Nope. No! You get two hours with Steve G Jones himself for as little as $25,000. That is value. Or Steve can visit you in your own home

of just $50,000. for the special price than the price of a pizza Wow. Home delivery for little more the size of Germany. But Steve's greatest claim to fame fall in love with you. is that he can make people body language techniques, like this. Oh yes, and it's all with simple can be very alluring Licking your lips when a man sees you do this. winking, touching key body parts, So, you've got licking lips, EMPHASISING different WORDS... combine that with the partner of your dreams. ..and you should be able to pick up Steve. Steve, you want to have sex with me. (DEEP BREATHY VOICE) (NORMAL VOICE) Forever got my heart. Steve, forever is - (BREATHY VOICE) Steve, I want to tell you about my dinner last night. You do? Nothing is more SUCculent than MY recipe for spatchCOCK. Oh, that's great. (GIGGLES) Look over there, UFO! Really? (CREEPY VOICE) Have sex with me now. Oh, that's so tempting, but I don't think so. (NORMAL VOICE) It's not good advice, mate. Sadly, that brings us to the end of yet another show. the show online Remember, you can always watch by going to web poll question, which is: Where you can also find this week's before the War wraps up for good, We've only got two more shows

so be sure to catch them. until next week... From all of us here,


This Program is Captioned


Good evening. The weather

bureau has issued a tsunami

south-east coast of Australia warning for much of the

after a powerful earthquake

struck off the coast of New

Zealand. The threat has been

issued for NSW, Victoria,

Tasmania, Norfolk Island. The

bureau says that although major

evacuations not rider, people

along the coast are advised to

get out of the water and move

away from if immediate water's

edge. Residents of Lord Howe

Island are being advised to

moch to higher ground. For more

information, call: Or go to the

bureau of meteorology website.

A passenger plane with 168

people on board has crashed in

northern-western Iran. Everyone

on board the Caspian Airlines

aircraft is believed to have

been killed. It was travelling

from Tehran to Armenia when it

came down near the city of

Qazvin. Flintoff has announced

he will retire cricket at the

end of the Ashes series. He

says his body has had enough.

Tomorrow's weather - a shower

or two in Sydney, morning frost

for Canberra. #125i tuned to

ABC1, ABC Radio and online for

updients the tsunami warning.

Well, I'm too cool to speak so I'm just going to hum." (HUMS) Do Gillian. "Oh, the show needs more Asians - Chinese, Eskimos. Where's their voice? Who's singing their lonely ballad?" (LAUGHS) A man with hidden talents. Well, stay in this business long enough, you get to know the types. Thin seam of talent at the top, big, fat, greasy wad of fixed grinned sycophant underneath. Where am I? That's your cue to say something horrible. No, you're right up there. You're smart, you've got a soul. That doesn't mean I'm giving you another pay rise. Come on, you've done everyone else, do me. Is that an invitation? I mean, do my voice. We're supposed to be storylining Susan's journey. It's done. Look. You've got emotion and rain and pashmina and...OK, I don't care if it's crap. Yeah, well, I'll need to listen to your voice. Um, I don't know what to say. Hello. Hello. Your ear is very clean. That tickles. Whoa! What's wrong? This isn't a good idea. Why not? It's just not. Let's, um, cliff there. Good night. (SIGHS) Oh, Jesus H-I-J-K Christ! Ugh, yuck. Drop these trousers at the drycleaners for me would you? Yep, there's this thing called feminism, Jonathan. We've had this conversation, haven't we? For God's sake, why can people just do what you tell them? Did you spill something? No. Why? What have you heard? (WHISTLES) Take them there when you do the crisp run. (CLEARS THROAT) Hello, my lovely writers. Beautiful job on the last episode. Abi and Jimmy made me cry. And the intercutting with Dan and Susan - brilliant! We can't rest on our laurels, though. Penultimate episode time. Penultimate episodes are a bitch. You're just setting up another writer for glory. That's right, me. I don't think so. I'm doing 12. Oh, you're so arrogant. Experience before enthusiasm. What? You've just made that saying up, that's totally random. (BEAT-BOXES) Boom-bay-e! You all right, kids? Who wants to see something awe-inspiring? What is it? Ali's glove. Muhammad Ali? No, Ali Baba. Of course, Muhammad Ali. I won it at a charity auction. How about me, eh? A winner. No way! That is cool. Look at this - the big Echo Beach love-in. Aren't we great? Let me pat you on the back. No, let me pat you first. Hi, Nancy, lovely to see you. You don't know, do you? That's how out of touch you are.

May I suggest you stop reading that shit, and you turn your attention to this? Now they're shocked. Now their hearts are a-pounding. You've got a leak. What? Who told you? The Daily Mirror. The Daily Mirror? Oh, I suppose I am quite newsworthy. Someone's leaking your stories. There's stuff all over the internet too. Whoa! The Sand Riddle? No! You're coasting to the end of the series when you should be pulling out all the stops. I can't believe this. This is a wake-up call. You're in front of the slot, Jonathan, and you're spilling your coins. I'm going to stick around today and make myself available.

You don't have to do that. I think I do. You just can't stand the fact I pull the show together, can you? We don't need you. I run a tight ship. TELEPHONE RINGS Hello. Uh-huh. OK. I came in this morning, there it was on my bath. What is this?

A deeply elaborate way to get into my head? Are you on drugs? Can you issue a memo, or something? Tell these actors to stop knobbing each other on my sets. Facile leeches the lot of them. MOBILE PHONE RINGS I swear, if I could isolate the acting gene