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The Gruen Transfer -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) All right. # Moving up north

# Doing potatoes # Freight down to Cally

# Pick some tomatoes # SP to the jungle # Old SB

# Under the eucalyptus # That's the life for me # Drinking Thunderbird Drinking Thunderbird # Strictly Thunderbird

Drinking Thunderbird, yeah at Chez Louis # While you're dining out # Fresh pasta and $100 wine # Right I'm cooking Spaghettioes # On my fire # Underneath a billion stars tonight # Drinking Thunderbird

Drinking Thunderbird, yeah, yeah # Strictly Thunderbird # Strictly Thunderbird

# Thunderbird # Yeah, Thunderbird # Oh, thunderbird # Yeah, Thunderbird. # Come on, boy! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This program is not subtitled



Welcome to The Gruen Transfer, of advertising. a show about the art and science includes from George Patterson Y&R, Tonight our panel of insiders

and from Leo Burnett, Todd Sampson. Russel Howcroft APPLAUSE Good to have you both here. freelance creative Dee Madigan. And welcome back Gruen regular, And in his first appearance, of EuroRSCG, Rowan Dean. executive creative director APPLAUSE with a self-explanatory segment All right, let's kick off called What's Wrong With This Ad? Get that! Whoa! Gee! Whoo-hoo! Back. Go back. Your serve, Patty. what is wrong with this ad? Russel? (LAUGHS) Ah? Panel, The final shot from Rafter - the ball goes very, very high it's just dropped into his undies and then it looks like a ladder just so out of shot. by some bloke at the top of

(OTHERS LAUGH) there was a bit too much space And there looked like in his undies when it dropped. But he's... Although, I - But he does turn around. He's facing the other way, though. I have seen Michael Clarke naked and have Spalding written on them. and his balls are green, fuzzy

mate? Rowan, what's wrong with the ad, When Michael Clarke turns round in the underpants. there's no sign of the ball It's...looks perfectly normal. Well, you're - in his underpants. He's got something What do you think there, Todd? The issue I have with it is I don't... 'active undies'. is the idea itself - but my undies are not that active. I don't know about you Dee, is there something about it? is with Lara Bingle, Well, if Michael Clarke what's he doing on a tennis court? I reckon he's upgraded to Rafter. What? He's gone for a change of ends? LAUGHTER It's going well. LAUGHTER "No, it was out." "It's in." LAUGHTER think is wrong with this ad? So, what do we at Gruen Well, where do you start? making pre-pubescent knob joke? Future Australian cricket captain That's shamefully embarrassing, for an Australian sportsman. but not out of character What's truly wrong - LAUGHTER stars have not yet been replaced What's truly wrong is that the two with low-paid Chinese look-alikes. There, that's better. Next week, on the Gruen Transfer, of sweatshop athletic wear - we'll launch our own new line Made By Kids For Kids. APPLAUSE Now, How Do You Sell? used to be a staple of advertising, Tonight we look at a product that an endangered species. but now seems more like # Of difference and you wanna hear a bell # ..close to the sand # The difference is Shell bell... # The difference is Shell bell. # petrol ads were all like this  A generation ago bouncy, happy, bright, thanks to good clean fuel. bringing us a better life to the fun petrol brand? Ah? Russel, what happened Well, 20 years ago, low involvement, this category was considered what we call 'low involvement'. and what the advertisers would do So what the marketers would do by using emotional advertising. is they'd try and up the involvement no longer low involvement. NOW this category is 'high involvement'. We would call it now for rational messages As a result you're looking in order to advertise. I think the other thing is... environment entered the stage any, you know... and it immediately zapped out of the environmental issue Because if you're on the wrong side is singing and dancing, the last thing you'd want laughing on the television.

it's gone from low involvement, Of course. That's why I'm saying petrol-petrol-petrol-petrol, where it was just with our advertising so let's have some fun a high-involvement category. to now being they're interested in People are interested in energy, where they get it - what the petrol companies, said it, we understood what he meant. The difference is though, when he LAUGHTER they're always struggling with Petrol companies, they... their brand or not. whether they need to promote the whole issue for them is, Because the whole... they have mass distribution they've got distribution, what matters enormously. and location is what is cheapest and closest to us? Isn't that it, don't we just choose at a petrol station, No. When you pull up of them within the same vicinity chances are there's three or four selling petrol for the same price. with the consumer You have to build a relationship over the one next door. so they will choose you Yeah, but petrol companies - the study Shell did. You probably remember So they... They did a... at the time. It was very controversial to test their markets, They used hypnosis people's experiences with petrol. they wanted to find out which was quite interesting, What they found out, with a petrol company is as a child, is that your first experience so when you get in with your parents and go to the petrol station. What they started to do over a period of time is start to communicate more, have more fun things for kids at the station because that's where it all really starts. Remember BP had all their Smurfs? That was a huge part - BP also does ranges of books that you can buy for little children. I did not know that was the reason. Well, let's have a look at petrol ads today. Because, when you look at them, virtually none of them mention the actual product. Here's a rare one that does. ENGINE WHINES 'Over 60 years ago we began to work with Ferrari. What we've learned from our shared passion on the track... (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE) ..we've put on the road.' ENGINE WHINES 'Shell V-Power, a fuel developed with Ferrari.' That ad sticks to the basics, promising power and performance. Todd, why show a Ferrari and not a normal car? Um... Oh, two reasons. First is, they sponsor Ferrari. The second reason is it's actually illegal to sell cars by show, through speed. But it's legal to sell petrol showing speed so they couldn't put a real car in. But a race car, they can get away with. Todd, you can't use speed when you're selling cars. This isn't selling cars, this is selling fuel. That's correct. Yeah. But it's interesting cos you're using a Ferrari, which is a car.

Sorry, Russel, to point that out to you, but... LAUGHTER There is a car driving around. What I loved about that was you both said the same thing and still managed to disagree. LAUGHTER This ad... This is ad is about... This is the Grand Prix sponsorship ad.

Yeah? So they're engaged with Grand Prix around the world in every Grand Prix market around the world and when the Grand Prix comes to town, they run this ad. After decades of talking about what comes out of the pump, Shell appears to be changing tack. A few weeks ago, it launched newspaper ads like this one based around the company's research into renewable energy sources. It mentions hydrogen fuels and wind farms but also talks of extracting fuels from woodchips, algae and straw. Straw! My God, what will the little pigs make houses out of now? Russel, what would Shell want to achieve with this ad? Petrol companies now want to position themselves as energy companies, and it's very important for them to be seen as part of the solution, not the problem. Despite the fact they've spent the past two decades funding climate-sceptic research. LAUGHTER But, like, I could be a little bit sceptical. ROWAN: There's two interesting things on that. One - when BP resigned from that committee,

which was anti-global...climate... Because the proof was irrefutable. ..back in 1997. That year their share price and their profits rose by walking away out of that, which was really interesting. So the others have learnt from that. The term, in marketing, is called greenwashing. And, generally, the amount of money you spend telling people you're green is usually inversely proportionate to the amount of money you spend being green. Yeah. But - Just on that, though, cos... Far be it, I think petrol companies do need to take responsibility for helping the environment. is a unique commodity because it's...

It's inelastic, so price goes up and demand doesn't change. And you rarely see a petrol company that advertises and says "Use more petrol, use more petrol," because they don't need to. If you want to blame someone, maybe we should blame the State Government for...transport. But... But the issue...the... I cannot believe you just said that.

You can't blame them for funding. No, wait-wait-wait. So, Dee - Could I just jump in? So I'm not...I'm not... I'm not saying they... they shouldn't be held accountable and responsible for their actions. The reality with these companies is they have to be part of the solution they're necessary for the solution. But, unfortunately, the money they're spending investing in renewable energy doesn't come close to the money they're spending on bloody marketing. We need these companies to be hugely successful, we need them to be massively profitable because over time they will invest more and more and more in other methods of obtaining energy.

That's true. But what we don't need to do is see ads like that and just take them at face value and say, "Oh, they are doing good." What we need to do is push and say, "They need to do more." Dee, with all due respect, greenwashing is a bit old-fashioned. It's actually now green-proofing. That's what... No, seriously, that's what it's about. It's about these companies proving their green credentials.

I'm all right with the concept of.... Call it greenwashing, whatever. I'm all right with the concept of a whole bunch of petrol companies

fighting over who's the greenest. ROWAN: Absolutely. And doing an-an-an-and... and being accountable for it. Because the Internet is the ultimate truth serum.'s fast and it's effective. You say you'll do it and you don't do it, you'll be tracked and everyone will know. I'm all right for these companies to fight it out over green - I want to walk through this, so let's... No. I genuinely do. Let's look at some of the major players and what they've done in these areas. The latest player on our screens is Chevron, which launched its ad campaign late last year. 'Right now Chevron is the largest producer of clean renewable geothermal energy in the world, generating enough energy to power seven million homes. Imagine that - an oil company as part of the solution. This is the power of Human Energy - Chevron.' There are two ads in the series - both American

recut with an Australian voiceover. And, in the case of that one, a shot of the Harbour Bridge thrown in. Those seven million homes with geothermal energy are in Indonesia and the Philippines, by the way. In Australia, Chevron does much less cool stuff, it drills for oil and gas.

Now, Chevron doesn't really have any petrol stations here. Rowan, why would you run ads on TV when you're not selling anything to the public? Well, you're absolutely right. Chevron don't have any petrol stations here

and yet they're the third-biggest spender so they spend more than Caltex. The reason is, if you look at where they're spending that money, they are spending that money on cable TV. They are spending that money on...

in the quality press that businessmen read. They're aiming for the top end of town. They're talking to the corporate sector, they're talking to the key decision makers. The reason they're running this ad is to repackage their image cos they know people are less likely to complain about petrol prices if they think that the company's reinvesting in geothermal energy. These companies rely on public perception for survival. That's why they're running the ads. TODD: There is a reality. That's them being good No. It's about presenting an image that they're good at what they do. It's not about the reality. But, Dee, in just... Todd, I'm very surprised at you on this. Stepping off the box slightly. I mean, I do think... Are you about to defend Russel? No. LAUGHTER But I do think there is...ah... I think there is perception and reality when it comes to their advertising. The truth is, they all envision a future in which we're going to be using renewable energy. They know - As long as they can profit from it. Yeah. Which is fine. It's a time thing for me. So the journey to that is a bit longer. In some way, say, was make that a lot shorter. But if you were running BP and the option was - which is what they have... You're going to spend $500,000 on lobbying, lobbying strategist - perception - or 500 million, which is what it would cost to change the actual structures over, which one would you choose? Well, I don't think it's as simple as choosing a small amount or a bigger amount. I think it's spending less on their marketing and more on doing stuff. No, no, no. You - The interesting thing about that ad - (LAUGHS) But I'm not going to make money from that. LAUGHTER It's wrong! We need them to make money.

Look, I have no problems... And we need them to compete on this space. This is good what's going on here. I think it is good. But my problem is when they do ads like that the consumer sees them and says, "Yes, they are doing a lot," when in fact they're not and that is my problem. Well, this brings us to the last of the major players - BP. Nine years ago, British Petroleum changed its name to Beyond Petroleum, although 93% of its investment is still in oil and gas.

Its logo is a flower and its corporate colour is green, green, green. Russel, should this be in the re-branding hall of fame? LAUGHTER There was a book written by Theodore Levit called Marketing Myopia. And this is the underlying strategy what's going on here. Because you're myopic in the petrol business if you think you're a petrol business and not in the energy business. So what you do is you broaden your definition, which ensures that you're still in business in 100 years' time. Like, advertising agencies became 'communications agencies'. That's right. You broaden... LAUGHTER But here... This ad - Just so you can have a better future. I'm changing my name to Adam Hills. LAUGHTER It's about not being myopic about who and what you are, which obviously is sensible. And they did, literally overnight, re-brand an entire business. They repositioned an entire business from being a petrol company to being Beyond Petroleum. Yes, they gave it an entire new look. And it virtually happened overnight around the whole world. So, yeah, this I pretty textbook. It's amazing. They actually went to the extent of putting an aloe vera plant in every single BP's outlet in the world. It was a big push and I think it was definitely green washing and is seen as the great example of green washing but that's still several years ago. And they are being forced constantly to live up to that sso that's the interesting thing. That's good. That's great. They make the claim but they've got to be held accountable. Absolutely and they have to make sure they are...

GRANDIOSE MUSIC LAUGHTER You're about to be struck. It's coming. I've got to be honest with you, that's the first ever time we've been heckled by God.

Here's the only ad, it ran on Australian TV last year. PLEASANT MUSIC (SLURPS) (SHRIEKS, PANTS) VOICEOVER: If you just can't face a bad coffee, pop into Wild Bean Cafe at BP Connect.

Dee.. Dee, why would a petrol company devote its advertising budget to spruiking coffee? I think it's a really, really good marketing idea. When you're driving often a coffee's what you want and you want decent coffee. It would differentiate your product from the five service stations down the road.

Is it also cause they're making a buck out of the coffee? I bet they're not actually making that much money from coffee. I've got to disagree with you there. The mark-ups on coffee and things are 300% are massive,

the mark-ups on petrol, a couple of cents here and there, it's tiny. It's crucial for all the petrol companies to make money out of their real estate, which is these shops that they have. I mean, this is pretty clever stuff, isn't it? They're using coffee to differentiate their petrol station. It's because also there's no sort of negative connotation with the price of coffee, surely, isn't it? Cause petrol prices, people complain about constantly but there's no coffee watch website set up by the government. Not yet. No, exactly.

I do think one of the amazing things about petrol marketing is that they literally put,

they do put the price on the street.

I'm sure if they could wind back the clock 50 years, they should have all spoken to each other and said "Let's not put the price on the street." That really was...

Come on, Russel, petrol companies don't speak to each other (!) Last year BP's CEO found the upside of global warming by pointing out that the arctic is the next frontier of oil exploration.

Yay (!) Couldn't have done that before the ice began melting. Todd, how dangerous is it for a brand when there's a credibility gap between its advertising and its actions? Yeah, they say the best way to kill a bad product is to advertise it successfully. So, if their actions are not true and they're communicating a lot, they will be held accountable

because now, as we said earlier, the internet is the ultimate truth serum. Well, let's finish with an ad that's much less complicated in its approach. It's a 1961 classic from Caltex that marries the brand appeal down to two very persuasive selling points. VOICEOVER: One thing about being a Caltex service station operator, the nicest things happen to you. I was giving the usual Caltex service to my customers the other day, when who should drive up but Sabrina. I recognised her at once and she recognised me too and asked me, were the TV demonstrations I do real? I straightaway invited her into the office so she could actually watch one being done.' My, this fry pan really is hot. Had it turned right up. Mmm, my goodness, it really is hot. About 180 degrees I'd say. There, you see? The conventional grease has just about had it and the marvac is still in perfect condition. That's what you call a fair dinkum Caltex product, Sabby. What do you mean when you say that Caltex products are fair dinkum? Well, I don't think I have to explain fair dinkum to our viewers. But for your benefit, Sabby,

fair dinkum products mean honest to goodness, super quality, stick on the job Caltex products. Then it's Caltex for me. And if you can remember what that ad was actually for

you're doing a lot better than I am. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Now The Pitch - where two leading ad agencies compete to sell the unsellable. The winner receives this low calorie Gruen trophy. Tonight, a national service. Given just how poorly we did at the Beijing Olympics, we believe it's time to focus on sports that represent the future of this country

so we asked the agencies to come up with a campaign that will make synchronized swimming popular among young boys. Have they got the moves? Please welcome from Rhodes Wingrove, Dale Rhodes. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING And from Fenton Stephens, Alex Fenton. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Welcome to you both. All right, Dale, what insight helped you strike gold here? Well, we just asked ourselves, Wil, what does synchronized swimming have that teenage boys want? And then we we looked at a bit of synchronized swimming and the answer kind of presented itself. Let's have a look. CLASSICAL MUSIC APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I'm thinking about signing up myself. Alex, what was your turning point? Well, we had to ask ourselves what is it that actually governs the thinking of a 15-year-old teenage boy and with the path to sporting glory, does he follow his heroes or does he follow his hormones? All right, let's have a look. VOICEOVER: Australian boys, why would you want to play cricket for Australia? You put on a baggy green, you go to crappy places like Yorkshire, stand around in a field of a week, hug men, and hang out with other cricketers with crappy nicknames like Beefy and Toughers. Cricket's crap. Why would you want to play rugby for Australia? You pull on the green and gold, you go to crappy places like Auckland, get your forehead pushed through your backside 20 different ways, hug men and hang out with other rugby players with crappy nicknames like Caveman and The Chiropractor. Rugby's crap. Why would you when you could synchronise swim for Australia? You pull on the Wattle budgie smugglers, you don't train much cos no other bugger's trying out. You get to fly around in jets and sit next to Stephanie Rice. Hug no men and go to the Olympic Games wank till midday in the athlete's village, then float around like a fat bastard for a couple of minutes before hanging out with other synchronised swimmers like Brazilian twins Bia and Branca. Baggy green and Beefy, or Wattle budgies and Brazilian twins? Don't think, let your spotty teenage hormones decide. Have you got what it takes to be a Wattle Pants man? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING They both worked on me. Russel, what did you think, mate? Well, I did like... The consumer insight of the first one almost made a man in his 40s want to take up synchronized swimming. However, I just love... That's not right, Russel. Yeah, I just love the choking the chicken shot so I'm going to have to go with that. Dee, what did you think, mate? Yeah, first one, there's a good sex gag at the end, it's an obvious strategy but Team 2 definitely was... I mean, that was great. That was hilarious. Rowan? Love Dale's work, was terrific, but I have definitely have to go with wattle pants. All right and finally, Todd? Yeah, I also go with wattle pants. Right, I'm going to ask for yours for my private collection to be honest. Congratulations. Well done. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Tonight's ad of the week is about what happens when your smooth sailing brand crunches into an iceberg. Last December a paper published in the Dental Journal of Australia, my favourite dental journal, claimed there is now sufficient evidence that mouthwashes containing alcohol increase the risk of oral cancer. Which mouthwashes contain alcohol? Most of them. But most obviously those from Listerine, which accounts for 70% of the market. The media ran big with the story. Todd, I know you weren't there but if you'd been a fly on the wall

in a Listerine marketing department, what do you reckon you would have seen? I think you would see them immediately... It wouldn't be a meeting of marketing people,

it'd be a meeting of CEOs and management of the company and firstly they would go for the source and try to understand it. Then the the next step is a really simple one, so you either do nothing, deny, admit or distract. They had to make a decision at that stage and do nothing is never a good option when you have health scares. All companies that are involved with putting something in your mouth, you know, whether it's therapeutic or in fact a food, they will all have a text book that they will get out for when there's a crisis. So what are your options when your product is blindsided like this? Listerine was quickly discounted at supermarkets and pharmacies. But, Russel, you know, can a brand put its head in the sand and hope that it will all go away? No. The text book would say get on the front foot, be fast, be accurate. When you say fast, how fast? As quick as you possibly can be. And you know like that day you'd need to know,

that's why you have to be prepared. It's interesting you say that cause Listerine's response appeared in our newspapers a few weeks later. The brand took out full page ads headlined by the message "Your health is our priority." The ad went on to stress the heritage of the product and its extensive testing, finishing with an invitation for anyone with concerns to call on a toll free number. Nowhere in the ad was the C word mentioned. Dee, why would they be so purposely vague? There is no way you're going to mention the word cancer

and your product unless the law says you have to, like cigarettes. You have to have a proportional response, a measured response to the scare. Now cancer's the big scary one so you have to be very, very careful how you come out with that communication and you have to not overreact, which I suspect possibly they did. It's very important that there is, on the website, there is a signature from the Managing Director that says "We are very comfortable with our product." I mean, it's very, very important. That is a person who has got out his pen and signed. Rowan, how do you see Listerine's campaign playing out over the next say month or year or so? What would you do if you were the brand? Well, the first thing I'd be doing is having a very strong look at the puffing cheeks and going "Is this the right thing to do?" It's Australian by the way. Would you have no problem using Listerine? I'm just... Things like that stick for me, it makes me nervous. I like it. I didn't know it had alcohol in it. I reckon they should re-brand it for rugby league players, at least when you spew it'll smell fantastic. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING I think those things do stick and I think they're very different from someone messing with your product cause then you can say "Look, we've fixed it." Whereas this is kind of not fixable. I think there'll be two things they'll do, and they'll do it subtly. I think the first one is they will go to a low alcohol content and they'll advertise that on pack. They won't go screaming it in public cause that's admit and so they'll do that. And the second thing is a different tasting product. I think they'll come out with a less explosive taste to help curve it. Since 1879, Listerine has been marketed as a surgical antiseptic,

sore throat remedy, floor cleaner and gonorrhoea treatment.

The Gruen Transfer now made with 75% Listerine. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's all for tonight, next week we'll launch a charity for those super rich execs now facing smaller payouts, ask if humour can work in a child abuse ad and see if we can recover Magda's missing kilos. I've already lost over 10kgs. Now I can see my knees, I've got knuckles, I've even ditched my fat pants. Please thank our panel of experts - Russel, Dee, Rowan and Todd. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING To take us out, a vintage ad from Listerine. If you're nervous about its suitability as a mouth wash, don't worry, there's plenty of other uses for it. See you next week.

Are you taking my advice for that dandruff infection? Doc, there's nothing like this Listerine. Why, it's less than a week and look - not a flake, not an itch. Keep it up, Fred. VOICEOVER: Here are the results of a clinical test. With the simple twice a day Listerine treatment,

there was improvement or all dandruff symptoms completely disappeared in a single month in 76% of the cases. 76% of those tested showed improvement or all dandruff symptoms completely disappeared. Closed Captions By CSI This Program Is Captioned

Live. Good evening. The

Treasurer says banks which

don't pass on yesterday's

interest rate cut to their

customers deserve a good kick.

The big four have all defied

the Federal Government's demand

they pass on the full saving of

a quarter of 1%. Three will

reduce their variable mortgage

rates by a tenth of a pers. The

NAB won't drop its rates at

all. The biengs Banks say the

cost of fundsing loans is still

too high for them to pass on

the official cut. Police have

launched a series of anti-bike

gang raids N South Australia

police raided 20 properties,

arresting five sorkts of the

gypsy Joker motor bike gang.

New South Wales police believe

they've smashed a drugs ring in co-ordinated strikes they

netted a large quantity of

drugs, equipment and firearms

linked to two bike ie gangs. 3

men from were arrested. The

federal opposition says border

security is being compromised

by budget cuts after another

boat load of suspected asylum

seekers arrived at Christmas

Island. The wooden fishing boat

with 38 passengers and a

skipper on board docked early

this morning. The arrival

hadn't been detected by a

nearby Customs patrol ship.

Tomorrow - thunderstorm s in

Darwin, shower or two in

Brisbane. Mostly sunny

elsewhere. More news in

'Lateline'. 'What did you want to be when you were a kid?

When I was ten, I dreamed of being so many things but I never got around to them, because, well, I grew up.

Now almost 20 years later, I've chosen to go on a quest to be what I've always wanted to be, do what I've always wanted to do. My name is Lawrence Leung. Welcome to my adventures.' I have a confession to make - I'm not a man. I mean, I an a man, I'm just not a MAN. I'm a wimp. I first realised this in Grade 3 after the Hedge Incident. 'I was on my way home from school and this much bigger kid was waiting for me. He kept saying, you think you're smart, don't you? He kept asking me about my Rubik's Cube. I'd never been bullied before so I thought he wanted to be friends. Then he asked what my name was - what's your name? When I opened my mouth to answer him, he pushed me into the nearest hedge.

No-o-o! This happened quite often, every afternoon for weeks. What was most humiliating is that he was from the year level below me. Heh, heh!' (HEDGE LAUGHS EVILLY) 'To this day, I'm still afraid of hedges.' I'm sick of being a wimp. So my quest this week is to stand up to my bully and become a real man.

Just like The Karate Kid.

GONG 'Like me, Ralph was picked upon by bullied from the Cobra Kai dojo. Then he befriends a karate master named Mr Miyagi. The old man gets him to paint fences, wax cars and do household chores.

It's a Miyagi sweatshop. In exchange, Mr Miyagi teaches him karate so he can finally beat his bully. The Karate Kid transformed Ralph Macchio from a boy to a man. Karate Kid II and III transformed the man into a washed-up actor. Even so, I wonder if the discipline of martial arts

can make me into a real man. I need to find my very own karate master.' Miyagi. 'But to learn from a master, I need to prove I'm worthy.' Hello?

Hello. Are you Mr Miyagi. Yes. Hi, I'm Lawrence. If I paint your fence and wax your car, will you teach me karate? I don't know karate. 'Cagey as always, Mr Miyagi tests my desire to learn by feigning ignorance. So I set about winning his respect.' I'm sanding the deck. Yeah, but I do it myself. It's in the movie.

I do the cleaning myself. 'I need to show my master that I have discipline and concentration.' You still there? Trying to catch some flies.

That's disgusting. Clean it up, please. Clean it up. I was trying to attract flies.

Wax on...wax off. What are you doing? Hi, Mr Miyagi. My tree! I'm making a bonsai tree. Just go. I need your advice. What would you do if someone pushed you in a hedge? Piss off!