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The Glass House -

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(generated from captions) Ahead in The Glass House... ANNOUNCER: President Bush wash his special bits Prime Minister, why does before you come to visit? with almond and coconut soap a question of good taste. Because I think it is just LAUGHTER THEME MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

welcome to The Glass House, G'day, folks, the program that asks the question, the new book on his presidency, does George W Bush think is actually about Egypt? 'State of Denial', LAUGHTER I wonder if he'll read it? Nah, he'll just wait for the comic.

of sad Swans this week. More news than a Storm in Parliament House, In NSW, some wacky high-jinks of the new stun gun after a demonstration could soon be carrying. the state's cops GUN FIRES, MAN GROANS LAUGHTER See? Totally harmless. from the audience? "Can I have a volunteer

a heart condition, do you? "Yes, you, sir. You don't have "Eeeexcellent." (Impersonates Mr Burns) GUN FIRES, MAN GROANS

where he's trying not to swear. I just love that bit (Groans and makes crashing sound) The Police Minister got into trouble into Parliament House, for bringing the weapon the better! but I say the more stun guns, Would the Honourable Member... (Impersonates John Howard) (Screams) we can only beat terrorism John Howard says if Australians have shared values. with Janette. This means we all have to hold hands LAUGHTER (Screams) our values. Yes, we've all gotta share fundamentalist values We don't want intolerant, backwards from other countries. being swamped by values LAUGHTER about the Bush Administration In Washington, this book

is causing a big stink. As well as cover-ups, in-fighting for the word 'stupid', and lots of euphemisms and his senior advisor: Bob Woodward claims Dubya gets wind of this! Wait till John Howard LAUGHTER (Mouths silently) APPLAUSE he's gonna "drop the big one", So, when the President says he's not talking about nuking Iran. LAUGHTER George sat in his bath When asked to comment on the book, a bit like 'Bobwoodward would'. and made a noise that sounded LAUGHTER the Oval Office to pull his finger, At least Bush only asked visitors to which is a step up from Clinton... LAUGHTER Corinne Grant! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi. Hello. Give-Me-The-Willies... Frightening news, LAUGHTER You love it. of Technology The Queensland University has just published the latest list of Australian children. of the top 10 fears the best way to scare your kids. Well, it's always handy to know LAUGHTER 58% say they're scared of bombs, and water bombs. particularly flour bombs at once, they get turned into glue, 'Cause if you get hit by both LAUGHTER and you're shellacked to death.

of being hit by a car, 61% of kids are afraid at the wheel. especially when Jeff falls asleep LAUGHTER That's awkward... 48% are scared of getting lost, as long as they know where they are. so they're fine with being run over, LAUGHTER of not being able to breathe, 56% of kids are also scared 97% are scared of girl germs... LAUGHTER a bedtime story from Mark Latham. ..nipple cripples, and getting LAUGHTER Dave Hughes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE G'day. How are you? very happy. This week, I'm very, very, and record low unemployment, Because of the booming economy

to put off staff. jobseeker agencies are having Ha-ha, the irony! Welcome to my world, people! and SMARTARSES, I used to go to a jobseeker agency, "Why don't you get a job?" they'd always ask me questions like, You know what I didn't realise? Ah, they give me the shits. when the people get the jobs. They only make money about me at all! See, they didn't care didn't they? They just wanted their 500 bucks, as I possibly could! Well, I held out for as long gotta be determined these days! And I tell you what, you've only the real heroes don't! Now everybody's got jobs, I reckon they deserve pay rises! And those people, you people without a job, Go to Centrelink, I'm keeping you in business!" and say, "Come on, look after me! I went into Centrelink and said, Seriously, I did it once, I've been here six years! "Give us a pay rise, off the street yesterday, "A guy comes in "you're paying him the same as me! the experience I've got?" "How can he have The guy said, "Take it easy." I said, "Look, I have been!" I took it very easy for a long time. And look at me now. LAUGHTER Kids, you can do it too. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Alright, let's get to it. to throw some stones Joining me, Corinne and Dave from the great state of Queensland, in The Glass House tonight, of the National Party, the straight shooter Senator Barnaby Joyce. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome. on ABC 702 in Sydney, And from the breakfast show Adam Spencer. the host with the most...brain cells, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Alright! Movers and shakers.

Australia's top entertainers First up, some of for refusing to perform are being slammed

because they don't support the war. for our troops in Iraq Plus, with full burqas you don't know till it's too late. what the groupies look like LAUGHTER disagree with the political decision Brendan Nelson says musicians can the people doing the job, but still support to put on a show for al-Qaeda. which is why it's OK LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE said he'd willingly fly to Iraq Phil Burton from Human Nature to entertain soldiers. And if they weren't up for that, he'd sing for them. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE A magician in Basra even said he'd perform our troops. He's got a great disappearing act.

But he can only do it once. Dave, you like a free trip. Would you go?

Would I go to Iraq to perform for the people over there? Yeah. CORINNE: Yeah. Uh...not on your life! LAUGHTER No, I do...but I've got a great DVD they can have a look at. LAUGHTER Send that over. It's dangerous over there, isn't it?

I mean, good, they're brave. Yeah, seriously. So you wouldn't go over there? It's not a political thing for you? I'm scared. You're scared. (Laughs) Just scare thing, yeah. Well, that's alright, that's fine. Yeah, it's dangerous. Angry Anderson said he'd go! I thought, "Where would he find the time?" LAUGHTER A few politicians have gone over to Iraq. Have you gone over there, Barnaby? I think they're considering sending me, but... LAUGHTER They've just got to... CORINNE: Without the helmet. They've just got to find the right committee, you know. Barney, you're on the committee for Barney Going to Iraq Committee. "We need someone to test the new 'helicopters'." That's right, that's right. "We want you to tell us is Osama really dead." LAUGHTER It's an interesting sort of ploy, but, isn't it, the way that people who defend the war, if anyone ever criticises the war they always go, "Oh, so you're knocking our brave troops over there, are you?" No, that's a, it's a completely separate issue. But you should be surely allowed to go, "I think this war totally sucks hole, "and I don't in any way want anything to do with it." I love the troops so much I want them to come home. There you go. (Laughs) Yeah, yeah. APPLAUSE Am I right that most of the troops are men, yes, still? Like, I mean, there's women serving in the army overseas, but most of them are men.

They don't want Human Nature there or The Whitlams there. They want The Veronicas. (Corinne laughs) Yeah. Yeah, that's right. What do you think, Barnaby? Should entertainers go, do you reckon? Well, I don't know. I mean, if we want to scare them about the West, I think sending Human Nature is the way to do it. LAUGHTER Great to see you crossed the floor to come on our side for that one. Oh, I don't know, it's a... I mean, obviously, I do support the troops there - and wait for the boos - but... Nuh-uh. Were you in parliament when we...? Made the decision to go? Made the decision to go? No, I wasn't in parliament. Would you have supported it at the time? Looking...I had a bit of time in the services, and the big thing for them was they were actually keen, they wanted to go.

Like, for those people, it's like their job, and they just want to do it. But that's 'cause they want action, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. I mean, you know, "Where did you go?" "Oh, I went to Toowoomba and then I went to Dalby, "and back to Brisbane and that was it!" 'Cause they're a bit like a bouncer who wants a fight so they can punch someone's head in. A little bit different, but... What part of... whereabouts did you serve? Oh, just in the local reserve unit

with the other guys with nothing to do on the weekend. LAUGHTER Oh! What about Scrabble? Wow, that's... APPLAUSE DAVE: What, what we got...

I love when the Prime Minister said in parliament - like, 'cause there was complaints that there was too many of our troops overseas and not enough of them here to defend us. And Mr Howard said that, well, we still have the Army Reserve. And I thought, "Phew!" As long as Iraq only attack two weekends a year... LAUGHTER ..we'll be fine. I love it, I love it how, like, Downer came out the other day - everyone is against it now, and Downer said, "Oh, yeah, you want to terrorists to win, do you?" For me it's a little bit of a civil war now. Like, would you say, Barnaby? Does it look like a bit of a civil war. You'd have to say it's getting a little bit complicated over there. And...not that I've been there. But I think it's, you know, one of those things that once you start it, you know, how do you stop it? What do you do? You pull out and let them all go hell for leather on each other? They do seem to be killing each other. That's fair though, isn't it? It's, like, the Shi'ites and the Sunnis seem to be - that's what they're doing. This might be a bit naive and old-fashioned, but I think the idea is to try and have nobody killing anybody. LAUGHTER Hey! Look at all your fancy new ideas! Barnaby, so you believe that now that we're there and now that it's happened, whatever you think about that, we should stay and finish, is that what you think? Yeah, I think that there's - obviously, the place will sort of disintegrate if you pull out, and you can't do that, 'cause it will sort of descend into a civil war.

Knowing what we know now, was it a mistake for us all to go in...? For me to come on this program? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Actually, I just like that... 'Cause you're a Catholic, aren't you? Yes, last time I checked. I love that that's the first time a Catholic has ever said, "We shouldn't pull out before you finish."

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I'm not a good Catholic. Our next movers and shakers are Bec and Lleyton Hewitt and their baby daughter Mia. It seems their celebrity factor has put Mia in the top 10 list of girls names for the first time. Of course, if they'd had a boy they were gonna name him after Lleyton... ..Dick. LAUGHTER

Topping the girls list for the first time is Olivia, less popular on the boys list is Olivia's missing boyfriend. GROANS See, they boo me too. When it comes to sons, parents try to be more practical. Which is why the top boys name again this year is Mate. LAUGHTER

The best thing about all this is parents have stopped naming their kids after Paris Hilton.

In fact Paris didn't make the top 100. Yeah, well, even the people of France are thinking about changing that one. LAUGHTER Now, Adam, your daughter has an exotic name. Did you ever think about calling her Adamette?

It's an interesting one because I have very strong feelings about people who give their kids unusual names. We had a producer at our radio show called Zoe, who was Z.O.I.E for reasons that will only ever be apparent to her parents. And 20 times a day we would hear her when you're doing email addresses, "That's Zoie, Z.O.I.E." And she'll have to say, she'll have to waste that part of her life spelling Zoie, that will add up to about 11 years, let alone, "That's Shalilahlulalee.

"S.H.A.G.G.P.P.G.G.P.G, "how insecure are my dickwad bogan parents...Q." LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE I just don't understand it. Yeah, I get that a lot with Corinne because there are two ways of spelling Corinne - C.O.R.I.N.N.E, which is the right way to spell it, and C.O.R.R.I.N.E which makes me twitch slightly whenever I see it. So I spend a lot of my life saying, "One R, two N's". But then people will put in one R and two N's and then random letters around that. LAUGHTER It's not just bogans making up weird names for their children, they do it for all of us as well. It's got to the point where if you say over the phone, "That's Adam," they'll go, "How do you spell that?"

And there must be some weird freaks out there if they're messing... The trouble with most Australians though is, I don't know, I'm shocking with names. Especially as a politician I'm hopeless. I mean, so far tonight you're mate, mate, mate and mattress. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Oh, you know what? I tell you what...and... ..and Mark Latham says the Aussie guy is dead.

LAUGHTER I'm sorry. Yeah. That's more brave than going to Iraq. I can't believe we're gonna get that joke from a guy called Barnaby. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

If I am a mattress I don't so much have an inner coil as an inner REcoil. LAUGHTER DAVE: Barnaby, that is brilliant. ADAM: Did you get much stick being called Barnaby as a kid? DAVE: You did, didn't you? Yeah, I did. I was always Joycie. It was always Joycie. CORINNE: Joycie? That's a little bit effeminate. Yeah.

LAUGHTER The gloves are off now. That's right. LAUGHTER No, it was always... Yeah, Barnaby's... You can do too much with it to mock people. DAVE: It's a tough one, Barnaby. Did you ever get called Bananaby? I did. I did. LAUGHTER

And still am...

..and starting again as of right now. LAUGHTER I love and I know it's bad to give your kid... Like, the celebrities who do it.

And the sportspeople do it a lot and the celebrities.

But there is one I like, Mat Rogers has just had a baby and I think he gave his boy a name that he says, "He will hate until he's about 14" as a middle name. But then he thinks will be really cool. His middle name is Danger. You can just see when he's 14, he'll be able to go, "Danger's my middle name." LAUGHTER And what's the next one, Mouse? If you're gonna experiment, experiment on the middle. The middle's the place to do it. Yeah, the middle's OK. Well, my middle name is Barrington. Oh, hello. Barrington Todd.

I cannot believe your middle name is Barrington. What's the matter with Barrington? LAUGHTER That's like a Barry who's a wanker really. LAUGHTER It sounds like my uncle played cricket for Kent in the 1960s. I got such bad stick for Barrington when I was a kid, "Barro". And I used to just deny it. BARNABY: Why did you tell them? Why didn't you tell them your name was John? I'm not gonna lie about my own middle name, Barnaby. Politician first goes, "Lie, just lie". LAUGHTER "Why would you tell the truth? Just lie." (Laughs) What is Barnaby...Barnaby, what's your middle name? I'm intrigued. Thomas. Nice and simple. So, yeah. Or so he says! LAUGHTER Sebastian, by the way. I went to school with a girl whose middle name was Evelyn, and we would just get her to say it all the time, 'cause she couldn't pronounce it properly, and she'd call herself "Elephant". LAUGHTER That's funny, when you're five. Still funny now. Our favourite mover and shaker this week is New South Wales Opposition Leader, Peter Debnam. If the Coalition wins government in March, Pete is going to link the salaries of his ministers to how they perform. If they don't, their pay will be docked $55,000 a year.

It works like this - if the Transport Minister makes the trains run on time, he gets his full salary.

If the Police Minister reduces crime, he gets first choice of stolen goods. LAUGHTER And if the Education Minister makes the kids smarter, he gets free tickets to Schoolies week. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE If they underperform, they get a little electrical encouragement. TASER FIRES Aaargh! APPLAUSE Maybe this incentive scheme will work. It's certainly different from the ALP system. If a Labour MP is constantly underperforming - you make them leader. LAUGHTER Senator Joyce, you've walked the corridors of power - is this a good idea, or just more political hot air? Eh, it could be a bit dangerous, I imagine the KPI might be... ..that's Key Performance Indicator - might be that if you don't upset the boat, you'll get a bonus.

Which means, there'll be a lot of... ..well, I mightn't get anything. I think you'd owe the Government some money. LAUGHTER But look... So, what you're saying is you'd come up with policies that are really easy to implement, like... DAVE: Easy goals, yeah. Yeah, we're going to have a Key Performance Indicator today. We're all going to go home tonight, and if we all do that, we'll get a bonus. Like, someone looks after the sun. If it comes up, they get their bonus. Yeah, that's it. LAUGHTER That's right. Minister for the Sunrise Yeah, that'll be me! You know, but defence might be a bit harder, you know. Do you have days where you just slack off at work, where you just can't be bothered, and you're just sitting there going, thinking about everything, and you know.... Working out what to do? Yeah, like. No, I don't. Funnily enough. Cause you're a massive shit-stirrer, though, aren't you? LAUGHTER Ah...I don't, honestly, I don't try to be. I try to be, sort of, um... ..and this sounds like I'm really having myself on, I try to be conscientious, and, you know, try and do something that's worthwhile, but there are times where... I think the most boring time was when I first arrived.

'Cause I remember, you have to sit for Question Time, and I just sit there, it's like being back in class. Going...oh, yeah, right, all these people asking themselves questions. It doesn't make much sense. What do you do during that time now?

Oh, I'm indoctrinated, I clip my computer in, and, um...I've got this mouse, and there's this game you can download... LAUGHTER What about the super issue, and all this, though? Like, because, of course, when Latham said he was going to cut the politician's super for everyone who came in at the last election, talk us through this. Here's an issue - cut the politician's super. The bit they didn't talk about was cut the politician's super for everybody who arrives after THEM. So... LAUGHTER So, you know, everybody there, both the Leader of the Opposition and the Government., they're on this massive super payout, I think they get about 60% each year in super... DAVE: WHAT? And what do you get? 9%. But now we've gone up to 15%, which I'm pretty happy about. That takes me up to my staff members' super. But, you know, every time a pollie talks about, you know, wages and salaries, everyone goes, "Oh, you get paid too much."

So, you know... But with your gig, 'cause I do know a few people in politics,

and the thing that is amazing is that just about every single night of the week... You're doing something. But when you've been up since five in the morning, and done a hard day's slog in parliament, and you're sitting there there at a dinner, for an organisation that you're... Trying to be funny? Like this? LAUGHTER Do you sometimes just find yourself glazing over, going, "For the love of God, I'd just like to be at home." I'll tell you what happens - and it happened today. Like, when I say goodbye to my wife, I say, "I love you," and I walk out the door. See you later, Mattress. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Give yourself a good airing on the line, later. But...you know, today, I'm at this function, right. As I've walked out, 'cause I'm getting really tired, I've gone to my host, who's a bloke, and said, "Bye-bye, I love you." And he's gone... LAUGHTER Questions... ADAM SPENCER: Barnaby! Well, he'll probably recover. I guess the headline in the paper tomorrow is going to be, "Barnaby crosses the floor again." LAUGHTER Later, in the Glass House - the Attorney-General announces the new "Guess when Phillip Ruddock is feeling happy" competition. Umm...but you'll never get it right. LAUGHTER Tony Blair admits some of his policies

have made people think he's a wanker. And of course... ..it's hard to let go. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And George W Bush discovers there's a second volume of 'Where's Wally?'. No matter how long it takes, America will find you. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING In Ireland, some dairy farmers reckon have accents, and believe they've noticed a distinctive twang amongst their herds. COWS MOO Yes, I would agree that they the, they have their accents. We mightn't notice them because we're so use to them, but they have it. LAUGHTER He's drunk. LAUGHTER

Of course there are all types of accents, but nothing appeals to a farmer more than a sexy French cow. (Mimics French accent) Le Moo. LAUGHTER Le MOOOOO. (French accent) Oh-ho-hoh. LAUGHTER We asked the sheep if they thought cows had accents. It said, "Baa." A horse said, "Neigh." Then we asked some chickens, but they just clucked something about regional dialects and the difficulty of precise linguistics. LAUGHTER What do we reckon? Does a Queensland cow - you, you have cattle, don't you? Yeah. Oh, well... Queensland - would they go, "Moo, eh"? No, it'd be... LAUGHTER I think - no, I think it's a load of rubbish. I mean, you just - like you'd into a saleyard, maybe Roma Saleyards and say, "I can hear my cattle down the back, they're the ones with the distinct Irish brogue, you know. But your cows are all from the same area. If you went down to one in Victoria... Have you ever been to a saleyard in Victoria? Well, um, no. No, you haven't. So you don't know all the facts, so shut up. Alright. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Bloody hell. Wow. Jesus, Dave. It's like being in another meeting with Wilson Tuckey. I just wanted to say that to someone from the Government. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes. It's time to award the coveted Glass House trophy which is this week is called... FANFARE And the winner of the Horny Thorny Dirty Hurty Occasion of Abrasion, comes from Serbia, where a real smart bloke has undergone and emergency surgery after having sex with a hedgehog... ..on his witchdoctor's advice. What a prick. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Zoran Nikolovic says he was told having sex with the creature would cure his premature ejaculation. And you know what? I bet it did. LAUGHTER

It also did wonders for the hedgehog's hiccups. LAUGHTER So the trophy goes to that extreme animal lover, Zoran Nikolovic. The worse thing is, he tried to get the hedgehog involved in a threesome, and it ruined his inflatable girlfriend. LAUGHTER Well, that's the way it is for Wednesday, October the 4th. Thank you, Mr Spencer. Thank you Senator Joyce. And let's take a look at tomorrows headlines.

In 'The West Australian', "Eagles celebrate Grand Final win, "Snatch small marsupials and tear them apart with talons". LAUGHTER The 'UK Mail' claims Kate Moss and Pete Doherty to marry - "Hey, that's not confetti." LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE The 'Sun Weekly' has, "Warney outdoes Craig McDermott's sex video - "releases boxed set". LAUGHTER AND CHEERING And in 'The Daily Telegraph', "New book describes Bush as, "intellectually incurious. "George says, See I told ya I was intellectually". LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Closed Captions provided by Captioning and Subtitling International Pty. Ltd. *