Note: Where available, the PDF/Word icon below is provided to view the complete and fully formatted document
Disclaimer: The Parliamentary Library does not warrant the accuracy of closed captions. These are derived automatically from the broadcaster's signal.
The Chaser's War On Everything 2007 -

View in ParlView

(generated from captions) # Have a banana... # DING! Who knows? What's the song? Oi! # Have a banana # Alan, what is it? A point off, I'm afraid. It's 'Copacabana'. It's the 'Copacabana'. Yes! "Have a banana"?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE and I've never sung "Have a banana". I've sung that at many weddings an incorrect version, then. You have been singing there's that # Copacaba-a-a-na # It's in the backing vocals where # Have a bana-a-a-na # Or go out and meet people. Have a listen to it, it's there. LAUGHTER Anthony and Stephen ended on six, The scores are - dear Lord - Myf,

way out in front - 16 points. Alan, Vika and David, WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Vika Ball, David O'Doherty, Would you please thank our guests - Anthony Callea and Stephen K Amos.

Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst. And of course our team captains, with something special We'll leave you tonight

David O'Doherty. from the one-and-only Yay! Good night, Australia. Thanks for watching. I'm Adam Hills.

(Slow synthesiser intro) (Sings) # I grew up thinking # I was just an ordinary kid # Just doing things # That ordinary kids did and I began to see # But the years passed me # Certain strange abilities # I'm not a hero # But I'm not a freak # I just have -

# Very mild superpowers with headphones on # Like sometimes when I'm cycling I'll be at the end of a song # I can predict exactly where # Very mild superpowers where I've never been # Frequently in kitchens of the cups and crockery # I can sense the location very mild superpowers # I'm talking about My eyes aren't X-rays # My legs aren't bionic things will fit through doorways # But I'm a good judge of whether # Sofas, tables, in particular # But for every very mild superpower too # There's a very mild superweakness round the smell of bins # I get nauseous certain shop mannequins # I'm afraid of

that's individually sliced # I hate the cheese # And vacuum-wrapped in plastic

when people are being sarcastic... # # I can never tell - Do you? - Dave, I like that new song. - Oh. Maybe that's because you fear - No. # My very mild superpowers I'm not a mutant, I'm just a man # Look within frighteningly good # A man who happens to be # At getting broken pens to work # Again # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CLOSED CAPTIONS BY CSI

This program is not subtitled CC

(Theme music) CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes. Hello. A very good

evening eye round Australia.

Welcome to 'Chasers War on

Everything' for another week.

It is a special Anzac Day

edition as we remember all

the young Australian soldiers

who bravely fought to

death. And the former Russian

leader who bravely drank

himself to death. I think it

is fair if we come clean

tonight. There has been

speculation about this

program going commercial

following a report on nine nine's 'A Current Affair'

last week. Such an honour,

the same company as welfare

cheats and shonky

builders. First they are the hottest comic team in

Australian TV. Now they are

the target of a big dollar

poaching battle. Nothing and

no-one is off limits to

'Chasers War on Everything',

they are in your face humour

now attracting a big audience

next week but will they sell

out? Will we? That was the

question and I think people

deserve an answer. We should

confess we have in fact

recently made a pilot for

Channel Nine. Fretty much the

sail format. One or two

minor tweaks but have a look

at it. I think you will like

it.

Good evening, welcome to

the show. Broult to you by

our friend at Toyota.

Absolutely. Coming up later

we catch up with the

Veronicas and the cast

of'McLeod's Daughters' will

join us on the coach but lest

check in with the spruiker

first. That is right. Come

inside this totally brilliant

supermarket. Bargains, an

incredible range of fresh

mouthwatering produce. Yes,

my usual sense of satire has

been slashed to zero. It's my

favourite security guard. How

are you cobber? I'm

completely sold out! Prime

Minister, just want to say

how much I like WorkChoices.

I will vote for you PM. Great

policy. Have you considered lowering business tax?

Business tax is too high.

Good job. Keep it up. Thumbs

up for the next term! That

is the Prime Minister people.

He's a good bloke!

APPLAUSE This week Channel

7's 'Today Tonight' serves up

more of the rot we have come

to expect from them. Whereas

'A Current Affair', 6.30

weekdays here on Nine was

once again both in sizive and informtive, I could not fault

them. ACA now leads 'Today

Tonight' in exclusives this

year, an amazing 40 to 7.

Way ahead in general

excellence. 57 to nil. They

'Chasers War on Everything' are leading in bits about the

and the shameless sufficient

they dish up to us.. Pick up

your game 'Today

Tonight'. But anyway, on with

the ABC version of the show.

Did anyone see the study in

the paper that apparently 8

out of 10 women would rather

spend the night with Mr Darcy

than Brad Pitt. Mr Darcy from 'Pride and Prejudice'?

Yes, the Jane Austen

character made famous by

Colin Firth in the BBC

series. He is the number one

fantasy for women in the country. I find that hard to

believe. I was very sceptical

too. I decided to put it to

the test to see if you could

pick up a girl using nothing

but the lines and the looks

of Mr Darcy. Excuse me, my

good lady, are you in need of

a man with a great fortune?

Would you like me to escort

you the rest of the way? You

have the most bewitching

eyes. No? Why on earth

not? Madam. I want the

ardently admire you. Is the

feeling mutual? Not with

those sidies, sweetheart. I

wonder if you would do me the

great honour of allowing me

to escort you? I'm not a Madam. Sorry, I thought you

were a Madam. Would you do

me the great honour of

escorting me to the trade

mill over here? Do you like

the up-and-down motion? You

don't like that? You

wouldn't like any up-and-down

motion with me? I can't

entice you with my handsome

looks and my brown locks? No. What about if I was

wearing a wet white shirt?

I would consider it.

Wealth! I'm a trifle wet. Is

that a turn-on to you? Not

to me. If I could go back to

your place? You are not

interested? No. Do you have

any plans tonight? Not with

you thank you. You don't find

me...? I find you

odd. Congratulations, are you

quite sure you have chosen

the right man? No second

thoughts? I am available the

for many years to come.

APPLAUSE

Hi, yeah, look I need to

buy a tool. I've been doing

renovations at home and I'm missing one small thing.

Maybe you can give me some help.

# I got a screwdriver to

drive in screws

# I've got a ratchet, a

chisel, some super glue

# I got a saw, a spanner

# But the one thing I lackies

a hammer...

# I want to go knockedy-knock,

knockedy-knock # Knockedy-knock, knockedy-knock

# Bangedy-bang, bangedy-bang

# Knocking in nails, tap,

tap, let's tap!

# I don't want nothing else

# Don't want no shovel or pail

# I don't want no Citroen

Ella to get rid of my snails

# I don't want to cause

unnecessary drama

# The only thing I need...

# Is a... Hammer. Thank you.

APPLAUSE Now, jults, we were

making fun of Channel Nine

earlier but I must admit there is one show on nine

nine I would like to go on

and that is the Showdown. Forget about 'Dancing with

the Stars' if you want to see

real dancing, Peter Costello

with his 'Macarena'. Rudd -

shoddy amateurs, everyone of

them. Kevin Rudd did a more

convincing run with Murdoch

than with Kerry-Anne. If she

wants to get a guest with a

real sense of rhythm it is

about time she locked hips

with yours truly. Kevin Rudd,

Peter Costello, where are the

real dancers on your show?

I'm working with you

here. Come on! There you go.

Where were you last week? I

tell you where I was,

Kerry-Anne. I was at home

because someone did not

invite me on her show to

dance. Instead he got 'Dudd

Rudd' on You are a star. But

not big enough to be on the

Showdown. We are working on

it. You hurt my feelings

now. Kerry-Anne's outfit was

more garish. Defeated by

Kevin Rudd. Forget the

dancing because there is something I'm more annoyed

about. I rang up Telstra last

week, they left me on hold,

wait this - 20 minutes

talking the a machine. 20

minutes But lookinging at

some of the people who work

for Telstra that machine

might have the best

personality in the company.

We are talking banks,

Centrelink, insurance

companies, they put you on hold when you call up customer service and I would

like once to see a customer

make them wait for a

change. Due to the unexpected

number of service staff at

the moment I'm currently in available but I will place

you in the queue and get to you as soon as possible.

Thank you for your patience.

Sorry. (waiting music) Come

with us. Thank you. I'm

sorry, you are still on hold.

Hello, you have progressed

in the queue. Your

transaction is now number 8.

Please hold and we will get

to you as soon as possible.

We are not processing anything. Yeah, because you

are on hold! rnchts you - is

there something wrong, or?

Don't go anywhere, you will

lose your place in the

queue. This is our queue and

this is the counter where we

actually serve people at. She

is currently in the queue at

number 7. No, number 6, she

has just progressed. You are

No.1 now so what is your transaction? She is still

on hold. But I'm talking to

you now. You have to join the

queue behind her, she is

number 6, you are number 7.

Don't jump the queue. We need to serve our

customers. That is not the

impression I get when I ring

up. I'm sorry, due to

technical problems we cannot

actually precess your

transaction right now. Please

try again later...beep, beep,

beep, beep! Sorry. I've been outsourced. Your call is

very important to us, please

stay on the line!

APPLAUSE

Well, it's almost Logies

time again, they are just

around the corner and I love

watching an awards night particularly the Oscars. I

love the Oscars when they

have that orchestra that

interrupts acceptance speeches.

Yes, I wish they would interrupt Richard Wilkins on

the red carpet. How good

would it be to have that

orchestra in every day life.

Wherever you are in a taxi. One thing mate, all the traffic they want to turn

right, what does the

Government do, they have to

put a turn sign in. I tell

you another thing...

(orchestra plays) You know,

even when you are just at

home and hear a knock on the

door. Hello, Sir, we are

here to tell you...

(orchestra plays) I tell you

what, it would certainly

improve Raid quo National.

Memories, it must have been

the early 70s and here I was

trying to kick start the

Australian film industry...

(orchestra plays) A vast

improvement because it is a

tremendous innovation. It is

but bigger issues, the

ongoing saga of selling

Australian tourism to the

rest of the world. I know we

have ambassador, people like

Lara Bingle, Bindi Irwin,

Terri Irwin, they are trying

their hardest but do they

bring in the visitors? The

problem is the Americans. We

do not have enough famous

landmarks. What do they do,

visit the 'The Big Prawn' and

go back to New York? Snchts

why not pass off other famous

landmarks as our own. Would

the Americans really know any the Americans really know any

different. I don't know the

name of it. It is called the

Sydney Opera House. Do you

know where it is? No, I

don't. That was a Nemo,

I've no idea what it is

called though. What about

this one? That looks like

the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy. It is actually in

Australia. That is the one

in Australia? That is the

one in Australia. The Leaning

Tower of Pisa is the replica, this is the Leaning Tower of

Perth. Really? Yeah. I

did not know that. But is not

Italy's about 500 years old

or something like that?

Yeah, but ours is older, made

by the Aborigines. Adelaide's

most famous landmark. Okay, I

didn't know that. Shows you

how ignorant I am. Is is a

tower? If I mention the

city of love? Does that ring

a bell? Paris? No,

Melbourne. Melbourne. Yeah.

You would travel all the way

to Melbourne. To see the Matt Evers, I sure would.

To see the Eiffel

Tower. That is the Taj Mahal?

The Taj Mahal. In the

Simpson Desert, have you

heard of that? I have. Did

you know Steve Irwin used to

live in the Taj Mahal?

Yeah, really? Yeah. I

didn't know that. I would

definitely want to go there

now. Crocodiles out the front

and he used to wrestle them.

Okay. Put on a show. Guess

that shows me how much I

know, not a great deal. It is

call the Great Wall of China.

I would love to stay there

but I'm in Australia. But I

is in Australia. China is a

town just outside Darwin.

Oh, okay. You know I never

knew all of these things were in Australia. You recognise

this? Yeah, that is in the

US. That is a copy. Australia

has the original. Is that

right? Yeah. Really this

would be your favourite

Australian landmark to see?

Yes, only because, you know,

growing up in school I heard

so much about it so I would

love to see that. No-one

knows that really. Yeah,

everyone things that it is

American. It is and I'm

thinking okay, there is Mt

Rushmore. Yeah. That is in

America. But it is not. It is

in Brisbane. Okay. If you

only had a few days in

Australia where would you go?

Mt Rushmore. Victoria. Taj

Mahal. And then the Great

Wall of China. Big Ben and

that place. You do not have

the railroad. Trans-Siberian

Railroad, yeah. The Taj

Mahal to Big Ben then I would

would go to the Eiffel Tower

then end up here. We have to

have five days because I'm

going to Mt Rushmore. Boy do

we have a treat for you guys

tonight because we have

discovered a completely new

phenomenon in current

affairs. Brace yourself for

the segue. In the past 'Today Tonight' would have gone

straight from a report about

drink-driving to fruit juice

without batting an eyelid but

toes days are long gone. Anna Coren has started to do

similar segues and you have

to admire how smooth they

are. Karen Cooper on the

excess of alcohol. Another

excess, fruit juice, just as

deadly according to new

research. That was an easy

segue. Let's crank up the

dial to medium. Try linking a

story about an abused

Ukrainian swimmer to a story

about a lettuce grower. We

all saw how she felt and felt

for her. Sometimes rules are

not always wise. As we

thought, when we examined the

case of a lettuce grower

knocked down by the

council... Well done Anna.

APPLAUSE Such a natural transition. Finally, let's

look at two reports actually

that do share a link,

corporate high-flyers and a banking dispute. Both are

about money so you think Anna

could throw from one to the

next easily, yet Einstein

himself would be hard pressed

to follow this segue.

Jonathon Creek on the select

few who would not notice the

ATM fees on their accounts.

Unlike the millions who today

held their breath briefly

while the Reserve Bank

decision on interest rates

were announced and unlike the

woman in this next story who

found her bank reluctant to

reduce fees on her home

loan. Poor old Einstein, that

segue really had him baffled.

Einstein was a physicist from

Germany, a country famed for

its excellent beer. To

produce beer brewers must

attend beer school and at

beer school they take many

lessons, lessons not unlike

today's lesson. Yeah!

Today's lesson, menaces to

society. Now we have seen so

many menaces on these shows. Armed robbers, drug traffickers, shonky builders

and then there is 'Today

Tonight''s favourite guy in

the whole world. This man is

an armed robber, drug

trafficker and shonky

builder. All at once. A

month worth of stories right

there! The thing I love

about menace reports is the

way they actually back up

their hysteria with cold hard

statistics. That is true.

Watch reporter Jonathon Creek

crunch the numbers on peeping

Toms who take photos up

women's skirts. Even more

frightening is the number of

up-skirting sites on the

Internet. Typing the word

into Google generates 7

million responses. 7 million

up-skirting web sites. It

gets worse. Look what happens

when you type murder into

Google. 82 million. And "Shit

house reporters" every single

result, Jonathon Creek!

These shows love menaces to society because they are all

about drama. Nothing says

drama like a good old face

blurring. For example

blurring out one person is

dramatic but an entire

family, now that is drama.

I thought it was more the

size of the blurring. Check

out the drama with this guy.

Look at that. That is just

his head and shoulders. For

full impact you have to blur

out their entire body from

head to toe. Just in case

they recognise them from his

fly. Another classic menace

is the drink-driver. 'Today

Tonight' hates them all

except one, their own boss

Peter Meakin who was busted

for drink-driving last week.

I wonder why we haven't seen

them run a report like this

one. The most dangerous drink-driver exposed. See how

he is a tragedy waiting to

happen in a moment but first

to the worst drink-driver we

have ever come across, his

name is... Pete year

Meakin. Lock him up. Now

that is a report I would like

to see.

Over 50 per cent of all

Jetstar's 1 million

passengers have been stranded somewhere for days and they

are not going anywhere soon!

# Let's ground Jetstar!

Jetstar, all day every day,

waiting in transit.

APPLAUSE

Okay. It is time once

again to fix up the world

even if it ain't necessarily

broken. Our first problem

broadcaster Alan Jones How

the mighty have fallen. Now

he is a convicted criminal

busted for naming a juvenile

and given a fine but sadly

escaped a jail sentence. He

was so like forward to that

he even bought his own

soap. But he has been found

guilty by ACMA over his

Cronulla riots It seems the

police and the council are

impotent, all rhetoric, no

action, my suggestion is to

invite a biker gang to be

present in numbers when these

Lebanese thugs arrive it

would be worth the price of

admission to watch these cowards scurry back on the

the train with a return trip

to their lairs. Jones has

been on the attack but ACMA has hit back scaring off

Jones in a way he will under.

Alan, lay off ACMA or else,

okay? ACMA suggested we pay

you a visit. It is not our

fault if we beat the crap out

of it, okay? Worth the

price of admission just to

see you scurry back to your

lair, Jones. We have our eye

on you Jones, we got our eye

on you! He has always liked

his men rough. And in

leather. Okay then. On to the

next problem, graffiti. We

take our hat off to the ACT

Liberal MP Steve Pratt.

Pratt by name and nature. He

spent four hours painting

over a bit of graffiti for

the cameras but it was an

artwork paid for by the

Government to help stop

graffiti so we thought we

would give Steve Pratt an

example of what real graffiti

looks like, Steve! Clean

that one up, mate. The next

problem is a monster.

Immigration, a problem that

won't go away. The

Government's latest solution

is a corker. 200 illegal

immigrants who come here by

boat have been sent packing

to the US. I would take

Disneyland and Niue any

day. Can we use this new

policy to score a free trip?

I'm an illegal immigrant, I

just want a trip to America.

Punish me with a green card

to the land of opportunity,

please. How will others be

deterred from coming here if

I'm not sent the Disneyland?

Please? I'm Afghani. He will

give you the ticket. To

America? I will leave to

America. Good. Can I choose

California? I'm Afghani,

seriously. How is an Aussie

meant to get a free trip?

They will not chuck you out

of the country but they will

chuck you out of the

office. 'Dolly' magazine,

filth, and the editors

published a photograph of a

woman's vagina due to a

accidental printing error.

How dare their print er print

a headline with an arrow

pointing out the vagina. Poor

'Dolly' had to recall the

magazine and place stickers over the offending photograph. Expensive unless

they use our solution. We

have a 'Dolly' proof model

for 'Dolly' magazine. There

is a printing error sticker.

Was it is a publicity stunt?

Still too dirty for 'Dolly'.

APPLAUSE It really bugs us

when our friend say things

like "We spit in the pathies

that go in our burgers" but

the fact is we do not spit in

our burgers, that's old

school, so don't believe the

rumours, visit this web site

to find out that most of our

food is full of shit, just

like our burgers. Well,

sadly that is all we have

time for tonight but remember

you can vodcast the show by

going to www.abc.net.au and

feel free to hit us on the

guest book while you are

there. We will catch you at

the same time next week and

as I always like to say about

the show, it has been a great

pleasure.

(orchestra plays)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Closed Captions by CSI

CC

Good evening. Anzac Day has been

marked with solemn ceremonies around

Australia and where it all began at

Gallipoli. From Brisbane to Baghdad

and beyond, Australians honoured the

spirit of sacrifice forged at Anzac

Cove in 1915, and they saluted the

100,000 who've died in battle since

then. At marches and parades around

the country, numbers were slightly

down but spirits were high.

Australia's only surviving World War

I veteran, 108-year-old Jack Ross,

paid his respects in Victoria.

Federal Labor wants to scrap the

Industrial Relations Commission.

Deputy Opposition Leader Julia

Gillard says, the commission has

sidelined by the new work choices Gillard says, the commission has been

laws. In its place, she says Labor

would establish a body called "Fair

Work Australia" to set wages and act

as an independent umpire in

disputes. And tens of thousands of as an independent umpire in workplace

Russians have farewelled their

president Boris Yeltsin. He's lying Russians have farewelled their former

in state in Moscow, before a private

family burial. The man who brought

down the Soviet Union and forced

through painful democratic reforms,

died on Monday of a heart attack.

Now, tomorrow's national weather -

rain in Adelaide and Sydney. Fine in

the other capital cities. More news

on 'Lateline' at 10:35.

Hi, Nan. You come up and see me? You come up and seen me, ain't ya? Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha, I noticed that. Are you all right? Not bad, son. all this way to see me. Oh, you are a good boy coming Here you are, I'll do your pillows. keeping out of trouble, haven't I? Well, I've got to make sure you're you sweetheart, really I don't. Oh, I don't know what I'd do without on these sorry bastards. fucking back if I had to rely I mean, I'd be dead on me fat woman was here again yesterday. Nan, that's not fair. And that Her with her library books. Oh, she does look well, you seen her? that trolley. Oh! She comes waddling in here pushing she's a volunteer. Who is it? Nan, don't be like that, round. She don't get paid? No. paid to bring the library books She's a volunteer, she don't get Fucking busybody! Nan! She said to me, for you - Barbara Taylor Bradford." Mrs Taylor - I've got three words she said to me, "You look bored, calorie-controlled diet!" three words for you, love - I said, "Yeah, I've got No, but you mustn't be so wicked. she don't get a penny. coming up here, that woman, She don't get nothing for of the goodness of her heart... She does that all out her big, lard-coated, flaky pastry heart. that, I'll tell her not to bother. you, but if you're gonna be like I've brought a friend of mine to see What do you mean, is it a girl? Yes. Oh, thank God for that. Oh, darling, what a relief! that, he's got a girl coming up! Oh, here, Maud, Maud, do you hear Panic over. Oh! you worry the fucking life out of me, Oh, you have made me happy, because your hair sometimes. the way you titivate and I don't want you being rude. Nan, she'll be here in a minute No, me? What? I wouldn't say nothing. you ain't a theatrical. I'm only too pleased she's a little bit sensitive about. It's just there's something Oh, what, has she got spots? Oh, she ain't Welsh, is she? her, I don't want you to mention it. No, but if you notice anything about her, so please don't say anything. is, she's lovely and I really like Now look, it doesn't matter what it She's a dwarf. it's better than nothing. Oh, well, I suppose She ain't here already, is she? promise to behave yourself. bring her in unless you No, she isn't, and I won't I welcome her with open arms, love. on my first Holy Communion, May I never move, that's all I care about, sweetheart. Whatever makes you happy, she's outside, the girl. I'll bring her in. Oh. Here Maud, Thanks, Nan. She's just outside, innit lovely? He's bringing her in now, a couple of fig rolls, I mean, Oh, gawd, I'll have to give her ain't you? Nan, this is Cheryl. you've got to offer them something, Glory be to God! Nan! Are you OK, Mrs Taylor? Fuck that! I can hardly fucking miss you, love! Can she see me all right? She gets a bit disorientated. when you're not feeling well. Oh, I know, it's horrible It must have nearly killed you! over a really bad cold. I'm just getting All right, Nan. Oh, God! What do you do for tissues, love? any good to you, are they? ones, they ain't going to be I mean, them little pocket-sized of old sheets in my airing cupboard. Nan, please. Ere, I've got a couple them if you want them. You're welcome to she don't mind me, do you, Cheryl? Have a look. Here, I tell you what, Course not. we'll go. I mean, fair's fair. sweetheart, I mean that. Come on, I'm full of admiration for you, to wake up every morning, It takes a lot of character snout like that! outside with a great big walloping look in the mirror and still walk I couldn't do it. Are you going? I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be up in the morning. Cheryl ain't had no fig rolls yet. be like that, won't you? Ta ta. Oh, right, go on then, Ere Maud, what a beautiful girl. There's your card. Thank you, dear. Right, that's all booked for you. Details, dear? Yes, dear. details of the holiday. Let me just go over the main half-board at the Adonis Apartments. So that's two weeks in Ibiza, airport tax and all transfers. Your price includes flights, That's right, dear. Lesley Faye and Mr Leonard Mincing. Passengers flying are Mr Derek given you a twin room with two beds. the computer has automatically Now, as the holiday is for two men, still a bit archaic in that respect. I'm afraid our booking system is a double bed for you? I beg pardon? Would you like me to change it to Would you like a double instead? Your apartment has two single beds. What on earth are you insinuating? Sorry, I just assumed... How very dare you? when two men can't enjoy What has the world come to being accused of sexual perversion? a simple holiday together without But I never said anything about sexual perversion. My mother and I have been coming to this travel agent for 25 years and in all that time I've never been accused of taking deliveries up the back passage. I'm very sorry, Mr Faye, I seem to have misjudged the situation. Who, dear? You, dear? Misjudged, dear? Yes, dear. I'll thank you for my tickets and bid you good day, dear. Come on, Leonard. Double bed? How very dare you?! Can I just make sure we have got a four-man Jacuzzi on the balcony, haven't we? Yes, that's booked for you. Thank you, dear.