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Good News Week -

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(generated from captions) Right now... Is... Teale Jakubenko.

Wes, you are safe. Safe for another week.

Teale Jakubenko.

You were dodging bullets for so

long. Man, no-one has found so many long. Man, no-one has found so many

supporters when they've been down

on their luck than you have in this on their luck than you have in this

show. Well done, mate. Thanks, guys.

I'd like to thank every one of you,

you're just great. I got this far.

I love you. I want to thank you all.

Listen to it man. When you look at

the votes, have a lot of fans out

them. there. Let's look at how you earned

emotions Music is such a weapon onfor

people. emotions to just, you know, get to

I think you light up the screen and

I love you.

# Too many words

# Too many lies

# I can't quite see the truth

I feel on top of the world when I

sing. When I get on stage, all my

fears just leave and I become the person that I am person that I am and it's awesome

just to let that out.

I've just loved my time on Idol.

It's been the best experience of my

life. It's changed me as a person

and a musician. It's such a great vehicle in this industry.

# I have climbed highest mountains

# I have run through the fields...

It's what everyone dreams of, to be

on a national stage. It's just blowing. It is. on a national stage. It's just mind

It's been really awesome to meet

the people that I've met. I've

learned heaps. I've learned a lot

of vocal techniques. It's been the

best experience of my life so far. I thought

I thought it was world class. I did.

Your voice was excellent. Pitch-

wise you convinced me. You sold the

good. lyric. You moved me. It was very

I don't think you can ever do

enough to get out of that bottom

the bottom three. three, especially being the King of

I've been getting called the

I've been getting called the Keanu

Reeves man, dodging all the bullets like on the matrix.

Idol is just a massive way to teach

you in every aspect of being a

performer and a musician. I can go

myself. away and start fresh but still be

myself.

Before I got here, they said,

"Sometimes Teale can be shy." Where

boogie wooingy Teale. is that Teale? Today I saw a crazy

# You can't always get what you want

# No, no, no, you can't always get what you want... # what you want... #

This is what I'm meant to do. This

is me. My greatest ambition is just

to do music and get out there and

show the world what I can do

# You just might find you get what you need. #

You've hope the world what you can

do and you've got one more chance

on this stage to show them what you can do. can do.

One more time, Teale Jakubenko!

I thought I'd start with my very

here we go. first audition song for you. So

# I never knew

# I never knew that everything was falling through # I never knew that everything was

# That everyone I knew

on a cue # That everyone I knew was waiting

# To turn around and all I needed

was the truth

# But that's how it's got to be

# And it's coming down to nothing

more than apathy

staying still # I'd rather it the other way than

# The small canoe still standing

where it is where it is

head # Now everyone knows I'm in over my

# Over my head

# With eight seconds left

# Time is all in your mind

# All your mind # Let's rearrange

# I wish you were a # I wish you were a stranger I could disengage

# To say that we agree and will never change

# Until we all just get along

# Now everyone knows I'm in over my head

# Over my head

# With seconds left to know that times is all

times is all your mind

# All your mind CHEERING Thanks, guys! Teale Jakubenko!

There you go. There you go.

If you've got any questions to ask

Teale, he'll be online at 9pm on

our website, for a web chat.

We're down to three.

We're down to three. Australia, our

Grand Final at the Opera House is

less than a fortnight away. You

guys want to be there? Well,

tickets are on our website right

now. You better hurry ECO I now. You better hurry, though. They

do not last. do not last. A massive thanks to Mr

Chris Isaak. You've been nothing

but amazing. You and Kenny have

been fantastically generous this

week. Thank you so much. Also our

judges. Thank you, guys. We've

helped you get to this stage of the

competition. Great work. We go from

three to two next week. You decide

on Sunday. who will compete in the Grand Final

Luke, Mark and Wes will pick their

One own songs. It will be Idols' choice.

One of them will be your next

Australian Idol. We're in touching Australian Idol. We're in

distance of the Opera House. We're

going to see you here next week and

you do not want to miss Sunday

night or Monday night which is

going to be absolutely massive.

That's it for us. Stay watching.

with Good News Week. Paul, Mikey and Claire are up next

Goodnight, Australia! See you, Teale! Supertext Captions by Red Australia. Supertext Captions by Red Bee Media

a line check for Good News Week.

This program is captioned live.

It's Good News Week! This program is captioned live.

Hey! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you.

Welcome to Good News Week and the

can! big news - yes, we can! Yes, we

Yes, we can! Ah, Yes, we can! Ah, McCain, you haven't done it at all.

Barack Obama will be the 44th

president of the United States and

position. only the 43rd lawyer to hold that

We're going to see a new America. We're going to see a new America.

There will no longer be division

and hatred. Black and white will

live in harmony and illegal

Mexicans will still do all the work. Of course, he won't Of course, he won't be the first

African American to enter the Oval

Office. He'll just be the first one

to do it without a mop and bucket. Laufrt lauft -- LAUGHTER

No! No! Oh! Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Ooh!

This was one election the

Republicans didn't dare steal. They

two wars and figured after plunging America into

two wars and flushing the economy

down the toilet, it might be the

time to give the Democrats a go.

Poor John McCain. When he saw the

result, he just died. He was then

resuscitated, brought back to life

again, tied again, and then brought

back to life with a lightning bolt.

It happens more often than you

think. As the knives come out,

Sarah Palin will head north, where

she'll hibernate through the colder, she'll hibernate through the colder,

winter months and in spring shed

her red winter coat and find a new

mate, thus completing the circle of life.

The election wasn't too surprising,

except for Florida, where a clear

majority voted for Bush.

When W first heard Obama in landslide, he thought...

landslide, he thought...

He thought the New Orleans mud had finally done him a favour.

President Obama will face many

challenges - two wars and an economic crisis. But the first

order of business - reconnect the

button that Bush has been putting

for the last eight years, thinking he'll get a banana.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

It was the longest and most

expensive election in US history

but what a way to finish. Obama's

acceptance speech was extraordinary.

So heartfelt and uplifting, it

makes you wonder if we can ever be

bitter, jaded and cynical again.

Well, I'm here to tell you, yes, we

can! And that's the good news. can! And that's the good news.

# It's Good News Week #

Thank you. Good evening. Tonight, Thank you. Good evening. Tonight,

fast-tracked from a restaurant in fast-tracked from a restaurant in Coogee, the delectable Claire

Hooper! Hooper! Coming soon to the

Coming soon to the famous

Spiegeltent with his wagon of Spiegeltent with his wagon of

friendship, the appetising Sammy J.

And she's the Federal member for

Curtin, the Shadow Treasurer and

Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party,

the honourable Julie Bishop. the honourable Julie Bishop.

And they're standing tall against

the righteous wind of Mikey Robins.

You can catch her at the Gold Coast

Arts Centre this Friday, stand-up,

writer, reclusive billionaire,

Kitty Flanagan. And she's the

author of 'Sex And The City',

'Lipstick Jungle' and the brand new

'One, Fifth Avenue', the New York 'Times' best-seller, Candace Bushnell.

Candace, hello. Hello. Are Candace, hello. Hello. Are you

happy with the way America has

voted? Yes. Thrilled. Absolutely thrilled.

Coming back to a new country. Does

it feel like that? Yeah, it kind of

does. I love Kitty. This is my new

book by the way. I've read it. It's

good. Available at all good book

stores now. While we're flogging

material, someone put this in my material, someone put this in my

dressing room. I wonder who.

Apparently the Doug Anthony All

Stars have a DVD out.

And you know, I think the timing is

perfect with Christmas coming up.

We all need more beer coasters.

It's not quite as good but Julie, I

bought an Australian constitution.

I thought you might sign it for me I thought you might sign it for me

later. Where are you up to? You're

up to free intercourse between

States. I knew you'd be up to

section 92. She said it. Not me.

How are you feeling, Julie? Looking

forward to conflict tonight? Happy

to be a team player? It's like

Question Time. It's going to be

adversarial s this what you're

telling me? Would you be

comfortable if we shouted over you,

"Come on! Order! Order! Order!"

Order in the house! APPLAUSE

Can you please say intercourse

again? Slowly? She said it, not me.

Shall we get the game started?

Round one is 'What's the Story'.

Clair, Sammy, Julie, make your mark. The World Wrestling Federation of

Australia. Bulldozer.

Google Earth. The earth. We don't

just call it the earth any more, do

we? We call it Google Earth.

Somehow they hijacked the planet

without us knowing.

There's a lot of things going on

there. We've got a bit of climate

change happening. At last, a

Liberal Party member!

I think you're right. There's some

trees going down. I think it's

about clearing. The trees, you got

that, the clearing, the bulldozers.

Then planet earth, what do you

think they're saying there? I could

watch you do that

watch you do that for hours?

Mesmerising. I'm sure you read the

same story as I did but a world

wildlife - They've put out this report that maintains that

Australia has one of the biggest

footprints, we've got something

like eight hectares per person,

that's our carbon footprint - Oh,

good. We're talking about numbers! Australia has

Australia has eight compared to two

- We're better than them! We're doing great!

Mind you, I guess top of the list

would be France and how is it that

France has got the smallest feet?

Foot. Print. Is France top of the

list? Top of the list.

They'd be like tap dancers, Julie.

78% of their power comes from 78% of their power comes from

nuclear so how do we tell WWF if

you want smaller footprints, you go nuclear. Are you campaigning

already? No. What show are we on

now? I don't know if we should go

nuclear until we have another

planet to colonise. We should. Can

we wait until we've got a colony

somewhere else to go to if we mess

it up. The story is about the size

of our footprint and Australia have

eight hectares each. It's not eight

hectares per Australian but per

person in Australia, the Baz

Luhrmann epic. The rest of us are

fine. I'm going to stop them there.

They have it. It's Australia's

ecological footprint, feet, foots,

something like that.

Congratulations, Australia! Our

ecological footprint is officially

the fifth largest in the world and

growing fast! If humanity's demands

continue to increase at the same

rate in the next 25 years, we'll

need the equivalent of two planets,

which means Rupert Murdoch's death star project will happen.

We all know that plasma screen TVs

waste energy but we're still buying

them. At least when the earth is them. At least when the earth is

nothing but a smouldering ball of

toxic waste and dead animals, we'll

be able to watch it in glorious HD.

That's where our Prime Minister

lives, Candace. Thank you. That was

our President. Still is,

unfortunately. And that's our Prime

Minister there, who looks a little

bit like Mr Sheen.

Someone told me he was supposed to

look like Harry Potter. He does. I

believe our Prime Minister is

looking forward to next weekend

when he has his first shave. It

will be wonderful. This is about a

leaked phone conversation, Kitty.

He's in trouble. They had a

conversation. He and George Bush

were having a conversation. The

story goes that they were talking

about the G20 coming up. It's the

20 most industrialised nations in

the world and the story goes that

Mr Rudd had to explain to Mr Bush

what the G20 was and had to explain

to him how trousers do up and had

to sit the right way on a toilet.

That's why I don't understand the

story. He got in trouble for the

leak. Why is that a leak that he

got off the phone and said he

didn't know what the G20 is. No, he

got in trouble for another reason.

Oh, sorry. Back to you, Julie. Please, go ahead.

Order! Order!

Order! Order! It sounds like the

Republicans are leaking all kinds

of things about themselves this

week. They supposedly some advisers

leaked some things about Sarah

Palin and how she had questions

about - What's Africa? LAUGHTER

I don't need to say it! In this,

Candace, there are times when

blokes can big note. They've been

fishing and they can big note about fishing. They've fishing. They've been out with

girls the night before and you big

note about it. But when you get off

the phone from a conversation with

the leader of the free world you

don't big note about it. He's in

there saying to his mates, "I had

to tell George about the G20." That

is a different perspective. But why was anyone surprised?

was anyone surprised? Everyone has

it, ladies and gentlemen. 10 points to them.

This is a strange story. Rudd and

Bush have a phone conversation.

Somewhere here leaks the call,

claiming Keven suggested a G20

summit and George said, "What's the

G20?" Sounds like a boy band to me.

It sounds like a billionaires' boy toy. Oh,

Oh, yeah. It's a group representing

19 of the world's most influential

economies plus Australia. When they

meet, we sit at the kids' table.

But Rudd says the President never

asked what the G20 was, just how to spell it. LAUGHTER

In fact, when Keven mentioned G20,

George paused for a minute and said,

"You've sunk my battle ship."

"You've sunk my battle ship." There

are rumours the leak occurred

because a second phone was off the

hook, even though Keven repeatedly

said, "I've got it mum! Hang up!"

The Hooper team are on 10 points

and the Robins team on 10 points. Up next, a picture paints Up next, a picture paints a thousand words. GOOD EVENING, JOHN HARGREAVES, THE A-C-T'S NEW CORRECTIONS MINISTER SAYS, HIS FIRST PRIORITY, IS TO SORT OUT OVERCROWDING ISSUES. THE CLIMATE INSTITUTE, SAYS CANBERRANS COULD SAVE CLOSE

COULD SAVE CLOSE TO 750 DOLLARS A YEAR ON THEIR ENERGY BILLS AFTER ANNOUNCING ITS ENERGY

EFFICIENCY STRATEGY TODAY. STRATEGY TODAY.

AND THE CAPITALS HAVE MOVED INTO TOP SPOT ON THE TOP SPOT ON THE W-N-B-L LADDER... AFTER TWO WINS ON AFTER TWO WINS ON THE WEEKEND.

FINE FOR SUTTON TOMORROW. (GOODNIGHT)

Thanks, Australia. If I had $2 million, I would spend it on ice-cream. Ice-cream. Millions of heaps of ice-cream. KYLE: Help McDonald's raise $2 million to help out seriously ill children and the families who support them. This Saturday is McHappy Day, when $1 from every Big Mac sold will go directly to Ronald McDonald House Charities and help spread some happiness to kids and families facing difficult times. Help us on McHappy Day. WOMAN: So, what's the buzz on TransACT? Right now, when you sign up

to selected mobile cap plans from TransACT, you'll be eligible for a free return flight to a premier Australian destination. Plus you'll enjoy national network coverage with 3G access and Vodafone live! content. So to get your free flight, visit us at: Head online: Or call 13 30 61 today to get the good vibes from TransACT mobile.

During the break, we had a good

root around in Todd McKenney's

pants. Both teams were given three

hints to a recent story. They have

dreadlocks. Also a bag of swag.

Now which know who took all the money from the economy.

LAUGHTER

This is what is left of the budget surplus. Political point!

I like it when the team fights itself.

I think for the first time ever

this team is not going to make it

to the end of the show. And this to the end of the show. And this song. song.

# From nine to five, I have to

spend my team at work

# My job is very boring, I'm an

office clerk

# And the only thing that gets me through the day

# Is knowing I'm going to echo # Is knowing I'm going to echo beach some day

# Echo beach, far away in time # What

What does it all mean? And Robins,

Flanagan and Bushnell got a samurai

sword. That's frightening. Every

week you look like a panda.

We also have some ears. Minnie Mouse! And this:

And this:

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# You feel like heaven to touch

# I want to hold you so much

# Yeah! #

Have you ever thought of forming an

Amy Winehouse tribute band? We'll

hear those stories at the end of hear those stories at the end of the show.

Now a game called a thousand words.

Hooper team, your best captions for Hooper team, your best captions for those photographs if you please. those photographs if you please.

Oh! Oh! 'scrawny teenager dresses

Oh! Oh! 'scrawny teenager dresses

up as hideous middle-aged

up as hideous middle-aged man for

Hallowe'en'. I think he's saying,

"Do you like my Harry Potter

costume?" I don't know why people

say he's not a style icon. Look at

the black socks and trainers. They

will be everywhere this summer. Are

you sure this isn't Kevin and the

community Cabinet down in

Launceston? Look at all you! You've all come as Julie Bishop!

all come as Julie Bishop!

I'll get you, sister! I'll get you, sister!

Is it lollies in his little cup?

Boiled sweets. I reckon he's one of

the people who at Hallowe'en gives

people Anzac biscuits and apricot squares.

Can we get off the Prime Minister Can we get off the Prime Minister

for a second and move on. Should

we? Maybe he's caught Sarah Palin

eyeing off his new puppy with a gun.

I've got to ask about Sarah,

Candace. Does she have to give the

clothes back? No, she can keep them.

That would look fetching on other

members of the Republican Party.

Once she's worn them, the problem

is getting the moos blood out of

them. You're having a go at

somebody who can field dress a

moose. I'd prefer to cross-dress a

moose. Let's try the last little

one. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

If it wasn't so cold, it would be this big!

I'm going

I'm going to throw two Kitty's way.

Hey, fellas! I don't just have happy feet!

There's a hole in that ice in front

There's a hole in that ice in front of him.

Have a look at the shadow. He's been there all winter. been there all winter.

Sarah Palin's husband gets locked out again.

I think it's going to be another two points.

OK, we're going to leave it there

for that team. Clearly this team for that team. Clearly this team

didn't care about the rules. And

they've made four points off that.

Robins team, your finest captions

please. Not a problem, sunshine. Bring them on.

This is game on!

Come on, guys. That's me. I was

there. I was there.

Kitty, you go first. I think I know

what you were thinking. Really?

Really? It happens a lot when

you're sitting there going, "Would

the minister for pies just shut

up!" The big guy, Joe, is saying,

"Why don't you people answer the

question?" and I'm saying, "Joe,

that's why they call it Question

Time. It's not answer time." It

looks like she's thinking, "I wish

he'd wash a little more often. I

can chair sniff him from here." Try

the next snap. What have you got to

say about this? He's going, "G20.

G20. G20. I know this one, G20. G20. I know this one, I know

this one!" He's saying, "Now I have

time to get that root canal taken

care of." It's a case of, "I picked

who?" I wonder if Obama would go best of three.

I'm going to give you two points

over there for that one. I believe

the headline, "Old man wonders why

torch doesn't work". Last one. Oh! Oh!

What? Queen finally admits to idiot son.

It's Prince Rupert, we've kept him in the tower for years.

Or she's saying, "Maybe Julie Bishop will take

Bishop will take my job." She could

have mine. Would you run for

President, Julie? She's the Queen. President, Julie? She's the Queen. That's a point.

That is a point. She's technical.

God! You're all about the facts, Julie!

We've got the constitution, babe.

We've got the constitution. The

caption could possibly be, "Plague

of out-of-focus children sweeps Britain".

Britain".

The UK Parliament is looking at

repealing a 450-year-old law that

stops people labelled 'lunatics'

and 'idiots' becoming MPs -- from

becoming MPs. The law is likely to

change after it was found more than

a quarter of British MPs had

experienced some kind of mental

health problem. Well, they do like

their beef. The other three- quarters said quarters said they'd rather not

comment because they had to get

back to the mother ship. If you're worried, there's One.Tel tale

Signor MP is mad. In Question Time

they can't decide whether to go,

"Hear, hear", "boo" or "cox"!

The Hooper now on 20 points and

Robins on 29.

You know how it is -

you settle down, put on a few kilos. But I'm not worried. Then you have kids. (GIRL LAUGHS) Ohh!

Life gets busier. You let yourself go a bit. I'm not worried. Tip. You're it, Dad. Oh! (PANTS) For most people, waistlines of over 94cm for men and 80cm for women increase the risk of some cancers,

heart disease and type II diabetes. But when I first realised it was affecting my health...

..well, yeah, I got worried. To find out how you measure up, go to australia.gov.au/MeasureUp. It's Holden's '08 Clearance Price Lockdown. We're locking down low prices on '08-plated vehicles, including Commodore, Sportwagon and Ute. We're locking down the special edition 60th anniversary Commodore, with over $7,500 of extra value. And the SV6 from $37,990 driveaway. Only while stocks last. Right now, you can try Stayfree for free. Simply buy a specially marked pack. And you know the other great thing? Thanks to these simple colour-coded corners,

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I'm gonna start by finding time for walking. And by eating better, I've actually started feeling better. 2 serves of fruit and 5 serves of vegetables a day can improve your health.

Go to australia.gov.au/MeasureUp.

This is couch potato, the therapeutic segment of

psychological cleansing. Julie

Bishop, would you please join me.

Should I call you doctor. You can

call me anything you want. Can I

call you Julie? That will do! Or

'my leader', 'my future leader' Ooh.

Comfy? Yeah. Relaxed. This will be

over before you know it. You always say that!

Unnecessary!

Why are you smiling? I always smile.

It's just the inside happiness

flooding out through my face.

Shall we begin? Let's.

Mood lighting. We're going to start

with a bit of word association. Ooh,

OK. Just say whatever comes into

your mind. Opposition. Temporary.

Malcolm? Prime Minister.

Pearls? Wisdom. As in pearls of wisdom.

Did you think I was too stupid to

make that connection? I'm a bit

slow.

Oh, I like that.

Power. Girl. "Girl power"! You're very good.

Do you like the Spice Girls? I like

who they're married to. Well, one

of them. You're talking about Becks.

David. He's alright. You like that

look in a fella? Yeah, he's alright.

Rough and masculine but still a bit

floncy in a shirt.

Come on, you'd go for him!

Me? Becks? Shit, yeah!

Bipartisanship? Overrated. Oh! Oh!

Were you going to say something there? Political point!

Public life? Mmm, unrelenting.

And hope. Faith. And charity. Nice. That's good. OK. Faith. Quasi-religious point! Quasi-religious point!

It's, it's, it's a bit horrible,

isn't it? Because he is on your

team and he seems to be stabbing

you in the back. Where could he

have got that idea from? LAUGHTER And APPLAUSE

It's the Opposition in front of you, It's the Opposition i = %9 5

the enemy behind, you know the old

story. I've been in that position. LAUGHTER

Who should play you in 'The Julie

Bishop Movie'. My head tells me I

should say Cate Blanchett but my heart tells me Sharon ston. -- Stone.

This is odd. Really, I like that

idea. Who is worse? Lawyers or

politicians? At least they're above

journalists in the honesty and

ethics stakes. Don't like journalists? No.

That's taking it back a few years,

the raspberry. I haven't heard that

as a form of complaint for a long

time. I thought there wouldn't be

journ owes here. Not from an adult.

How do you react to that? Good point.

Shall we go a bit deeper. Ooh,

please.

What's it really like being a woman

in federal politics? Well, I've

never been a man in federal

politics so it's hard to compare really.

Is it difficult? Being a woman? No.

You should try it. I'd love to try

it. If there was a way I could try

it, I would definitely give it a go.

There's a way. Could I get some

government money for that? I'm sure

it can be arranged. David Beckham

will make you feel like a woman! I

tell you what, yes, we'll go see

him both of us. Two foxy ladies out on the town.

We'd be too much competition.

"Excuse me, David. I've just got to

go shave again." What's your dream job? Treasurer.

Or yours. Would you like this one?

Is yours up for grabs? I don't know.

What are we talking about now? LAUGHTER

What's the biggest, most personal

secret you'll regret talking about

on television? Perhaps you've

already been there? I had two older

sisters and being the little sister

and they were on the swing one day

in the back yard and they wouldn't

get off and it didn't matter

whether I cried or stamped my foot

they wouldn't get off so I thought,

"Right!" I was four years old. I

went to the wood shed and I got an

axe and I came up to the swing and

I started hacking at the swing. Mum

came out and said, "Julie, put down

the axe. Girls, get off the swing."

And I got on the swing.

I hope Malcolm's listening. Ladies

and gentlemen, can you please thank

Julie Bishop. APPLAUSE Next

I don't think I should have worn a

dress. I knew I shored have worn

jeans and clogs. You look great on

that couch. I don't want to

disappoint you. I only met you

today and you've never disappointed

me previous to not meeting you.

Shall we begin with a bit of word association? Alright. Writing. Deadline.

Deadline? You feel under pressure?

That's not true. I love doing it.

Not write this -- right this moment.

I'm wondering, "Why did I ever

write anything?" Are you

uncomfortable? Yeah. We don't have

this kind of show in the States. If

we do, I wouldn't be invited on it.

You can always come back here if

you want. Monogamy? Great. Everyone

should do it. All the time.

If all men were monogamous, then,

there would be no trouble.

You think it's that we're living

too long and when monogamy was

really popular we only lived to the

age of five? You're right. We're

living longer and longer and so we

have to, you know, keep up with

things in case sex comes along when

we're 80. Oh, God no!

But, you know what? Do you remember

the episode of 'Sex And The City',

I think it's in the first season, when

when Miranda or maybe Samantha -

They go to do tantric sex. I don't

remember that. They go to do -

somebody in the audience remembers

this. They go to do tantric sex and

it's an older woman and then her

husband comes out and then Miranda

gets the you know what on her face.

It shoots across the room.

It's something to look forward to

for you. But you can't have an

orgasm for a year. That's called

being married. Are you a witch ever

something? -- or something? I know

you're saying you can't have an

orgasm. You're not supposed to.

You're meant to hold on to your

precious fluids and don't release

them. I did that till I was 14. I

was going to say.

The Egyptians tried that. They, you

know, put it all into little jars.

I didn't know that. Yeah. And then

when you passed on, they put it

with you. Oh, right. Just in the

afterlife sow had bits of your

dried seminal fluid with you.

That's great. Just in case. So

that's what the pyramids were for. Exactly!

You know they were, you know,

supposedly a sign for where space

ships could land. That's what

people say. Maybe they were coming

back to collect the dried sperm.

Where are we going? We got on to

this from monogamy.

Charles. My - Charles, my husband.

Is he here with you? Yeah. Oh, fantastic.

He's here with me in spirit, though.

But not in a little glass jar? I

love that. Could you imagine trying

to get that through customs?

Smuggle it in? Going through the

scanners and everything and you can

only have three ounces.

Hey, my husband had a good day! It is very viscous.

It is. Does it count as a liquid or

gel? It depends if you use it in your hair.

Muse? For me, I know you mean muse

as in one who inspires. But to me

muse is MEWS, which is a little,

tiny, cobblestone street next to

'One, Fifth Avenue', my new book,

and it's where one of the

characters, James, goes and gazes

up at the building, trying to

imagine what this young 22-year-old

girl is doing. Don't tell me, don't

tell me. I'm up to that bit.

And then, he realises how foolish

he's being. We'll go a bit deeper. Alright.

If were Jesus, who would you invite

to your Last Supper? I'd invite

everybody. Somebody's got to get

really drunk and, you know, there

usually has to be a fight. That's

the sign of a good party. They're

the best parties. And then someone

bonks someone they shouldn't. Do

you like the word 'bonk'. It always

sounds like you haven't quite got

there with a bonk. You sort of bounced out midway.

Bonk implies it's going to be over in two seconds. in two seconds.

That's a bad thing? I think it's a

bad thing. What makes you feel

alive? Everyday live. Yeah? Live in the moment.

How is this moment going? I've had How is this moment going? I've had worse.

I hear that all the time. I hear that all the time. LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, can you

please thank Candace Bushnell. DREAMY, SEDUCTIVE LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYS SONG: # Sometimes you gotta keep it real # You gotta keep it real # Oh, maybe it's just another thing # And you need to step off # And hang loose for a mo # Maybe it's just another thing # And I found me a space # It's a place you gotta know

# Sometimes you gotta keep it real # Sometimes you know you gotta go

# Sometimes you know you gotta go # Oporto. #

Time to find out the real story

behind those strange but true clues.

Claire, Sammy, Julie, you had the

dreadlocks. This is the hat Kevin

Rudd is going to wear when he goes to meet Obama. to meet Obama.

Wouldn't that be really

embarrassing if he tried to dot funky brother handshake. Kevin!

We had the bag of swag.

Yeah, the cash. There it is. And this:

# From 9.00 0 5:00 I have to go to

work all die

# My job is very boring, I'm an office clerk

# It's something about echo beach

# Echo beach, far away

# Echo beach

# Echo beach, far away, in my

# Echo beach, far away in time. #

That was so hot I feel it was

contained by the table there. contained by the table there.

Could you possibly do a reprise of

that out the front. Would you like

to see that once again?

# From 9.00 to 5:00, I have to

spend my days at work

# My job is very boring, I'm an office clerk

# The only thing that helps me get

to sleep at day

# Is knowing I can go to echo beach one day

# Echo beach, far away in time

Once more!

# Echo beach, far away in time

# Echo beach, far away in time.

You have a moment when you realise

you're screaming 'flank me" at a

possible future prime minister!

That was mine.

That was my fault. I apologise. It

was better behind the desk.

So what's the story? Kind of a

Caribbean thing happening here.

You've got the reggae, Bob Marley,

Jamaica, Bermuda, - The Beach Boys

is a hint. You've got in Jamaica.

Yeah. Something was stolen. Not money. Not money.

Not money. It was the beach.

They stole the beach. I don't think you should refer to...

The beach.

Apparently it's a real scandal in

Jamaica. Because they are missing a

beach. I tell you what, I lost my car keys.

Maybe they got stoned and the tide

came in and they went, "Where's the

beach gone?" A stolen beach in Jamaica.

How woo explain that? "It came out

when I took my baiters off."

Tragically, they do have it. Tragically!

Yes, in Jamaica, someone has indeed

stolen a beach. It's the whales I

feel sorry for. It's not the same

trying to beach yourself in the eegs.

-- ocean.

It disappeared from a hotel

development on the island's north

coast. Police believe the thieves

may have invested the beach in an offshore sandbank.

The coppings still have no leads on

the stolen beach although the intro

to the Jamaican version of 'Days of

our Lives' has become a lot longer.

I like that. Very funny.

Mikey, Kitty, Candace. You had the

samurai sword - I feel like bairnsy!

We also have the ears.

Actually, that gives me an idea.

And this:

# You're just too good to be true

# I can't take my eyes off of you

# You feel like heaven to touch

# I want to hold you so hatch (slurs)

# I love you, baby! And if it's

quite alright - Is that the same

song? What is the story? Clearly

it's something that happened it's something that happened in India.

And it's about a man in Japan who

wants to do it with a - God,

quickly, quickly, before Julie

starts helping me. Quickly! Quickly! Help me!

I've got it, I've got it. Order!

It's a man that wants to make love

to a cartoon character. Yes, it is!

It is! Also known as shagging a

McDermott. They have it, ladies and gentlemen.

In order to win the love of his

life, a Japanese man has started a

petition to legalise marriage between humans and cartoon

characters. Finally!

Where do you draw the line? Oh, there. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

He already has 1,000 signatures and

that's just from economic book

characters hot for some 3D loving.

He said he'd even like to become a

resident of the two-dimensional

world but he's not sure if he wants

to get rid of up-down or forward- back.

Lock up your pets. Dirty, sexy, fast money is coming.

Would you cross the road for the new TenderCrisp Chicken Burger? It's 100% breast fillet that's tender on the inside, How about a flame-grilled chicken burger You would, if it was one of the new range of chicken burgers from Hungry Jack's. It's chicken worth crossing the road for. The burgers are better at Hungry Jack's. Can your shower cream pass: Try new Palmolive Pure Cashmere Intense Nourishment. With natural oils and vitamin E, it hydrates deeply leaving no greasy feel. Put it to your own test. New Pure Cashmere Intense Nourishment Shower Cream.

I'll finish up out the back and I'm done. You be good, Bonnie. (BARKS) (ELECTRICAL BUZZ) (BUZZING) What's that? Get inside! (WASPS BUZZ) There you go. There. Robbins Veterinary Clinic. for over 80 years. (BELL RINGS) (EXCITING MUSIC) Perfect. (PLAYS FAST CLASSICAL RIFF) Perfect. WOMAN: Unfortunately, finding the perfect man is not as simple as cooking with Perfect Italiano ricotta.

Is Here we go. The compost heap of news.

Baz Luhrmann reportedly panicked

when he finished the soundtrack to

'Australia' and realised something

was missing. What? A plot!

I'm looking forward to it. What?

What? What was missing? Kookaburras.

Anybody? Facial expressions by

Nicole Kidman? Oh, get off!

A very strange but uniquely

Australian sound. To the woman in

the back there? Rolf Harris and his

wobble board. Once again, two

points to the audience. You're just trailing by 70 now.

A jogger in Arizona was bitten by a

rabid fox. When she couldn't prise

it off, what did she do? I know! I

know! She kept running. Sorry! I'm

so excited I knew some news! You've

got it, Kitty. She kept running

till she got to her car with it

hanging off her arm. Who was

recently voted the sexiest

Australian politician? Oh! Oh! Oh!

I know! She was on the show! The

minister for sport. Thank you.

Minister for sport, and youth affairs. Two points.

Don't sell yourself short. I

believe you were on the list. I

snuck in.

I snuck in.

Joe hockey. Last again.

I love Joe. Big Joe. A 20-year-old

campaign volunteer for John McCain

has been charged with making a

false police report. Why?

Because his report was false. I

think it's a woman. Sexual

harassment. Anybody. Could repeat

the question. A 20-year-old

campaign volume fear for John

McCain has been charged with making

a false police report. She claimed

she had been mugged with a blackman

who scratched the initials OB into

her forward indicating that the

black man had Barack Obama-ed her

forehead. That's right. You've got

T it was a lie. No-one had attacked

her and the police knew pretty

immediately that she's done it to

herself because the B was backwards.

You've got to watch those

volunteers, I tell you. Last one.

Here we go. On election day in

Florida, a group of people were

angry they weren't allowed to vote

the way they wanted. What did they

want? A pregnant chat.

You know what I'm talking about?

Florida, the Bush election. They

wanted to vote in the nude. You have it.

To be honest and I must draw Mikey

up here and take the two points

away from him and give them to the

audience because you were shouting

that out, quite frankly, and I

think cheating is not how we play the game here.

Sad. Tragic. So we don't win the

car? Once again, we realise we are

playing for nothing.

So in the lower house tonight,

Claire Hooper, Sammy J and Julie

Bishop scored a questionable 76

points. And Mikey Robins, Kitty Flanagan and Candace Bushnell

scored 76 points as well. It's a tie!

Who would have thought. Oh, no.

We'll have to split the prize money.

Only two weeks to our last show of

the year. The 2008 GNW awards. This

week we salute the world of

politics. All the winners chosen by

you will be revealed on November 24.

Go to the website and kas your vote.

You can get the podcast, watch the

extra bits and play the new fun

game - John McCain blood pressure bingo.

So we say 'hail to the chief and

his hot wife' and leave with you

the in us for the week ahead. Chaos

will hit Melbourne when the

Nigerian pen friends and penis

extension expose hits the anonymous.

Perth will host the awesome

international arts festival for

bright young things because it

sounds better than the festival of

pushy parents living their faded

dreams through their precocious brats.

The inquiry into the Mohammed Hanif

debacle will say that he definitely

and without question, you know,

looks a bit Muslim. At a comedy

gala in London to celebrate the

60th birthday of Prince Charles,

Diana will jump up, reveal she's

not dead and Charles has been punked. Goodnight.

Supertext Captions by Red Bee Media Australia. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HALLOWEEN.

WHO ARE YOU? CASTIEL. I MEAN WHAT ARE YOU? I'M AN ANGEL OF THE LORD. Castiel: THE RISING OF THE WITNESSES IS ONE OF THE 66 SEALS. THOSE SEALS ARE BEING BROKEN BY LILITH. LAST ONE OPENS AND... LUCIFER WALKS FREE. SO, YOU BEEN USING YOUR, UH, FREAKY E.S.P. STUFF? NO. YEAH, WELL, LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY. Sam: I'M JUST EXORCISING DEMONS. Dean: WITH YOUR MIND! I CAN SEND THEM BACK TO HELL. BUT TRY TO SEE THE OTHER SIDE HERE. THE OTHER SIDE?! I'M PULLING DEMONS OUT OF INNOCENT PEOPLE. USE THE KNIFE! THE KNIFE KILLS THE VICTIM. WHAT I DO, MOST OF THEM SURVIVE!

YOU SHOULD SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. I DRAGGED YOU OUT OF HELL. I CAN THROW YOU BACK IN. ( DOOR OPENS ) WHEW. HOW WAS THE STORE? OH, MADNESS.

YEAH? EVERYONE IN TOWN WAS STOCKING UP. DID, UH, YOU GET ENOUGH? ( CHUCKLES )

I HAD TO ARM-WRESTLE NORMA BLEAKER FOR THESE.

HONEY, SHE'S 74. AND A LOT STRONGER THAN SHE LOOKS. UNH-UNH-UNH.

REMEMBER LAST YEAR? WE RAN OUT AT 6:30. IT'S JUST ONE PIECE. UNH-UNH-UNH-UNH. YOU CAN HAVE AS MUCH AS YOU WANT... AFTER HALLOWEEN. NO. OH, WHO NEEDS A BATH?

HUH? OH, THERE WE GO! YOU COMING?

I'LL, UH, I'LL BE UP IN A MINUTE. OKAY.

( BABY CRYING ) ( SIGHS DEEPLY ) ( GROANS ) ( GROANING )

( BREATHING HEAVILY ) ( GAGGING ) ( SPITTING ) LUKE, WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG?

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD! ( SCREAMS ) NOW, HOW MANY RAZOR BLADES DID THEY FIND? TWO ON THE FLOOR, ONE IN HIS STOMACH, AND ONE WAS STUCK IN HIS THROAT. HE SWALLOWED FOUR OF THEM. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? THE CANDY WAS NEVER IN THE OVEN. ( OVEN DOOR CLOSES ) WE JUST HAVE TO BE THOROUGH, MRS. WALLACE. DID THE POLICE FIND ANY RAZORS IN THE REST OF THE CANDY? NO.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK SO. I JUST... I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU HEAR URBAN LEGENDS ABOUT THIS STUFF, BUT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS? ( SIGHS ) MORE THAN YOU MIGHT IMAGINE. MRS. WALLACE, DID LUKE HAVE ANY ENEMIES? ENEMIES?

ANYONE WHO MIGHT HAVE HELD A GRUDGE AGAINST HIM?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? CO-WORKERS. NEIGHBOURS. MAYBE A WOMAN. ARE YOU SUGGESTING AN AFFAIR? IS IT POSSIBLE? NO! NO, LUKE WOULD NEV--

I'M VERY SORRY. WE JUST HAVE TO CONSIDER ALL POSSIBILITIES. IF SOMEONE WANTED TO KILL MY HUSBAND, DON'T YOU THINK THEY'D FIND A BETTER WAY

THAN A RAZOR IN A PIECE OF CANDY HE MIGHT EAT? ( DOOR OPENS ) ( CHUCKLES ) REALLY? AFTER THAT GUY CHOKED DOWN ALL THOSE RAZOR BLADES? IT'S HALLOWEEN, MAN. YEAH. FOR US, EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN. DON'T BE A DOWNER. ANYTHING INTERESTING? WELL, WE'RE ON A WITCH-HUNT, THAT'S FOR SURE. BUT THIS ISN'T YOUR TYPICAL HEX BAG. HMM. NO? GOLDTHREAD -- AN HERB THAT'S BEEN EXTINCT FOR 200 YEARS. AND THIS IS CELTIC, AND I DON'T MEAN SOME NEW AGE KNOCK-OFF. LOOKS LIKE THE REAL DEAL -- LIKE 600-YEARS-OLD REAL. AND, UH... THAT IS THE CHARRED METACARPAL BONE OF A NEWBORN BABY. OH, GROSS. RELAX, MAN. IT'S, LIKE, AT LEAST 100 YEARS OLD. OH, RIGHT, LIKE THAT MAKES IT BETTER? WITCHES, MAN. THEY'RE SO FREAKING SKEEVY. YEAH, WELL, IT TAKES A PRETTY POWERFUL ONE TO PUT A BAG LIKE THIS TOGETHER. MORE JUICE THAN WE'VE EVER DEALT WITH BEFORE, THAT'S FOR SURE. WHAT ABOUT YOU -- FIND ANYTHING ON THE VICTIM? THIS LUKE WALLACE -- HE WAS SO VANILLA THAT HE MADE VANILLA SEEM SPICY. ( CHUCKLES ) I CAN'T FIND ANY REASON

WHY SOMEBODY WOULD WANT THIS GUY DEAD. ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ) ( INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ) ( SCOFFS ) THIS PARTY BLOWS. WE SHOULD JUST GO T.P. SOMEBODY.

UH, HEY, JUSTIN.

YO. YOU BREAK INTO THE BOOZE YET? UH, IT'S TRIPLE-LOCKED. SO, YOU GUYS GOING TO THE MAUSOLEUM PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT? ARE YOU GONNA BE THERE? IT'S GONNA BE RAD. I'M GONNA GET SO BAKED. ( LAUGHS ) WELL, IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN THIS G-RATED ASSFEST. OH, COME ON, IT'S NOT THAT BAD. OH, CHECK IT OUT. OKAY, BOBBING FOR APPLES IS LAME. OH, COME ON, IT'S HALLOWEEN. UH...LAME. ( CHUCKLES ) I STAND CORRECTED. WELL, I WANT TO TRY. WOW. SHE CAN REALLY HOLD HER BREATH. ( LAUGHS ) JENNY? HELP ME! JENNY! HELP!

JENNY! WHAT IS HAPPENING?

JENNY, COME ON! ( GARBLED SCREAMING ) HELP! JENNY!

JENNY! ( CRIES ) OH, MY GOD. ( INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER )

( POLICE RADIO BEEPS ) ( CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING ) YES. I GOT THIS ONE. ( SCOFFS ) TWO WORDS -- JAIL BAIT.

I WOULD NEVER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SO WEIRD. I MEAN, THE WATER IN THE TUB -- IT WASN'T HOT.

I HAD JUST BEEN IN THERE MYSELF. YOU FRIEND DIDN'T HAPPEN TO KNOW A MAN NAMED LUKE WALLACE? AGENT SEGER -- FBI. UM, WHO'S LUKE WALLACE? HE DIED YESTERDAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS. I'M TELLING YOU, BOTH OF THESE VICS ARE SQUEAKY-CLEAN. THERE WAS NO REASON FOR WICKED-BITCH PAYBACK. MAYBE 'CAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT. WOW. INSIGHTFUL. MAYBE THIS WITCH ISN'T WORKING A GRUDGE. MAYBE THEY'RE WORKING A SPELL. CHECK THIS OUT.