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The Chaser's War On Everything 2007 -

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(generated from captions) Without your wang bar - I can tell you that. I wouldn't have two kids, I know, it's just like the Logies.

Let's go check out Wolfmother. # When we say # A yip-ai, yip-ai, yea you're doin' fine Oklahoma # We're only sayin' # Oklahoma, OK, OK, OK, OK

# Oklahoma OK # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, there you have it, we could cobble together all the best bits of 'Spicks and Specks'. from another year with 'Another Specky Christmas' We'll back in a few weeks time in 2008 and of course we'll see you again of 'Spicks and Specks'. for season four

favourite ending of the year. Until then though, here is our APPLAUSE

# I see trees of green # Red roses too

# I see them bloom # For me and you # And I think to myself # What a wonderful world

# I see skies of blue # And clouds of white # The bright blessed day # The dogs say goodnight # And I think to myself # What a wonderful world # The colours of the rainbow # So pretty in the sky # Are also on the faces # Of people going by # I see friends shaking hands # Saying, "How do you do?"

"I love you." # They're really saying, # I hear babies cry # I've watched them grow # They learn much more # Than I'll ever know # And I think to myself

# What a wonderful world # Yeah, I think to myself # What a wonderful world

# Oh yeah # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Closed Captions by CSI



Good evening, and welcome to

'The Chaser Decides' from the

national tally-room in

Canberra. Enough about

Australian Idol, this Saturday

Australia goes to the polls

faced with a very clear choice.

It's the choice between pork,

or dork. You've got the

pork-barrelling of the Howard

Government, versus the

dorkiness of the Rudd

alternative, and I think it's a

fascinating contest. Oh, it is.

I notice in this final week of

campaigning both leaders have

played it extremely safe,

opting to sell their message on

soft, light entertainment

programs. Here's Rudd on the

Kerri-Anne Kennerly program

yesterday, and Howard and

Costello talked to Anna Coren

on 'Today tonight'. Let's have

a look at the state of play at

this point, shall we. this point, shall we. Julian,

can we look at the seats? Have

we got figures in? I'll get rid

of that, I was just watching a

Podcast. Yes, it's interesting

actually. If we bring up the

tally board, these are early

figures - the polls haven't

opened yet. If this trend of

zero continues then after the

election, the Parliament is

does Kevin Rudd going to look like this. What

does Kevin Rudd have to do to

win government? This is the

Labor frontbench as it

currently stands. This is what

happens if we factor in Kevin

Rudd's ego, and this is what

it'll look like if he actually

wins. It's difficult to picture

Rudd's chamber without

recalling that famous image of

him with the ear wax. In

Kevin's defence, you're

Kevin's defence, you're bond to

get peckish during Question

Time. You think there'd be a

more dignified way to eat it,

though. We paid a visit to

Kevin Rudd to help him with his

problem. Hi Kevin, after a hard

day's campaigning, you've

'90s, did earned a treat. Back in the

'90s, did these things

exist? Is it biodegradable.

Look after yourself, it's been

an interesting campaign. See

ya, guys. It's the only idea

you've come up with that wasn't

done by John Howard first. Do

you want to eat out

instead? The ear wax issue

hasn't dented his personality.

-- popularity. Treated like a

rock star, he's been. Not to

be outshone, Howard has met big

fans on the hustings. Look at

attention. Rudd's popularity him lapping up the

didn't happen overnight, it

started on the 'Sun' rise

program. A lot of commentators

point to his weekly appearances

as being

as being the career began. From

one nerdy dork to other with

Kochie, the making of him. If

it worked so well for Rudd,

though, couldn't it help other

politicians also in need of an

instant boost in the

polls? Maybe all those

floundering pollies need is a

dose of Mel and Kochie. Yeah,

think. I have, I'm just trying to

think. If anything can make

you popular, this is it, you'll

be Prime Minister in no time. Welcome to Brekky Central,

Malcolm. I've never known them

to be as one-dimensional as

this. They're more animated

than Philip Ruddock, you talk

to him. That was Malcolm

Turnbull, we'll be back with

Peter Garrett soon. We made

Kevin Rudd popular, we can

Kevin Rudd popular, we can make

you popular, too. This is the

sunrise prop, two characters,

someone making a joke. Just a

short, jocular conversation. While we're

talking about Rudd, I see he

was up to his usual tricks

appearing on the Rove

program. It's something of a program. It's something of a

tradition. Mark Latham went on

Rove, he was there to pioneer

the segment Latham loses it,

taken over by Hughesy. I think

Rudd did well. Not without a

lot of help, thank you very

much. He didn't just cruise

through that interview all on

his own, you know. He had a

little ear piece inside his ear

the whole time and he was

taking detailed instructions

from yours truly. You make up

or not. your mind whether you want that

or not. Alright Kevin, he's

probably going to ask about the

ear wax soon. You've got to

pretend you have a sense of

humour about it. If you can't

actually work, you've got to

pretend to laugh. Does it worry

you when shows like us make

jokes about being like you

going, "There's that old ear

you find this wax footage again". Remember,

you find this very funny. Open

your mouth. OK, that's long

enough. No, you look like a

dick. Kevin Rudd, leader of the

Opposition and possible future

Prime Minister, who would you

turn gay for? Oh God, I didn't

know they had find out you were

gay. Get the fuck out of

there, you gay fool. No, sit

down. Remember that comedy

script, pull that out. OK yes,

thank God we thought of the

funniest person you could turn

gay for. First one we had was

Dame Edna. Oh God, the

audience didn't laugh, they

musn't have heard of Dame Edna.

No, you're worse than David

Brent. Kevin Rudd, here we go,

who have you chosen? Who would

you turn gay for? There's only

one person for me. Don't say

Howard! It's my wife thersa. Is

she a man? That was a she a man? That was a joke,

open your mouth. He can be a

stubborn bastard to advise

sometimes. Let's move onto some

of the individual seats and

Julian, have we got a line

there? Could we look at

that? This is Mark Vaile's

seat, the Deputy PM and it's

seen a lot of changes in recent

years. This is how it looked

as recently as 2001, but

following the regional

partnerships program, it now looks more like

looks more like this. Is it a

safe seat? Given the Federal

Government's opened 400 new

youth police clubs, you'd think

it would be safe. If there's one thing this election

campaign has taught us? Don't

photograph your penis and send

it to your enemies? It's become

true that celebrity candidates

don't work. God, no. Two words

for you - Nicole Cornes. The

ALP glamour girl in Boothby a

seat in South Australia. Dead

in the water since her debut

press conference. Andrew

Southcott has held the position

for a long time and probably

would feel he knows a lot about

everything that's going on

here, whereas I don't have a

good grasp yet. Can't tell the

difference between a social

life and a socialist. When you

see people like Nicole Cornes

run for office you almost

wonder whether the average Joe

could do a better job. To find

out we decided to turn

unsuspecting voters into

instant politicians. We

secretly took their names, got

a covert photograph of them and

plastered their local area with personalised campaign material.

It turns out ordinary voters

make much more appealing

candidates. I hear you're

running for a local seat.

Congratulations. Oh, really? Is

that for you? Good luck. It's

bloody over there, too!

Congratulations mate, you've

got my vote, buddy. Do you

think you can win the election

on Saturday? What are you doing about computers in

about computers in every

school? Where do you stand on

WorkChoices? Who would you

support in a leadership ballot.

What are you going to do about

interest rates

sir? Nothing. Will you reduce

taxes? Yes. How much by? At

least 5%. What's the current

tax rate? Why are you polling

so badly? Because I don't know

what I'm doing. Would you make Alexander Downer

Alexander Downer your Foreign

Minister? No. Why not? What

for? The people want to

know. Your people. You're

denying everything? Nah. Why

are you evading questions? Why

not? I want to go home. What do

you think about the allegations

about your private life? Enough

now! Do you support

legalisation of drugs? Leave me alone!

I always wanted to comment

aetd cricket but they told me I

made it sound far too

exciting. John Howard is just

going to go and leave it with

Kim Beazley, isn't it? Welcome

back to the tally-room and it's

been a big campaign for

political extras, with the

leaders flanked at every press

conference by numerous nameless lackies. Do you think this

strategy has been working for

the leaders? On the whole,

these political extras, as you

call them, have shown they can

nod enthusiastically at all

times. Howard in particular

has been uncanny with his

choice of nodders, always

making himself look good by

only choosing people balder

than he is. That's copybook

Howard. There is one man who does not

does not work in the background

who is Peter Garrett who is so

tall, he can never fit in the

frame. Not as odd as the

nodder behind Lyn Alison

here. For an update on the

background extras that Kevin

Rudd's latest press conference,

let's cross live to Chas

Licciardello in Melbourne. As

you can see, it's wear the same colour vest as your hair colour vest as your hair day as

at the Labor Party. What's

bothering Julia Gillard is

she's obsessed with the whole

ear wax thing. Look at her.

She can't stop looking inside

Kevin Rudd's ear, no matter

what you do. Julia, hey. Chas,

can you tell us exactly what it

is that Julia's looking at

there? Hang on, I'll have a

look. I think it might be...

Jesus. We seem to have lost

Chas there, we might have to

come back. If we've got a sec,

I wouldn't mind looking at the

Coalition and see how they're

tracking. I get a sense they're not getting traction at

all. In fact if we look at the

latest Neilsen poll that came

up this week? Sorry, I was just

updating my Facebook. Hang on,

this is face-related. I know

that Tony Abbott's current status is making an embarrassing gaffe. Facebook

is useful. Peter Garrett right

now is having a short and jocular conversation and

according to this Senator Bill

Heffernan's status is "

definitely not gay". Facebook

is a joke, I think I saw that

John Howard and Peter Costello

are down as Facebook friends. It doesn't mean much. It doesn't mean much. It's

funny you raised Costello the

leadership tension in the Libs

is having impact on the

chamber. Here's how it looked

in a dream that Peter Costello

had last night . I think those

tensions, as you say, are one

of the reasons the Libs have

been tracking badly all

campaign. Plus to be blunt

about it, they've made very odd

policy decisions. I'm still

trying to get over this

$500,000 that Howard threw at

orang-utans in Indonesia. It's

like kud, sick kids are holding

a gun to Howard. He's got to

say, "Enough, sick boys" , the

next thing you know, every sick

boy in the country's doing

it. How about $1 billion for

the Gibbons of Brunei? Plea, I'm really sick, how about

$600,000 for the baboons of Swaziland? Prime Minister, I'm

even sicker now! Please, save

the baboons.

Welcome back to the heartbeat

of democracy, and one of the

real talking points of this

election has been the quality

of the superfast voiceovers at the end of the

the end of the campaign ads and

jewels that's where this race

could be one or lost. Rudd is

promising fast broadband but

he's delivered in fast voiceovers. Authorised Tim

Richman for the ALP Canberra.

That is one of the best in the

business. Not to be outdone

the Liberals have impressed

with fast work as well. And so

as superfast voice-overs emerge as

as one of the key battlegrounds

we're joined by John McConnell

in Melbourne. Thanks very much,

it's a pleasure. And in

Canberra the Liberal quickman

Tim Richman. Labor's accused

this campaign of copying the

very fast reading style of the

Liberal Party, any truth in

that? That's a pathetic and

scurrilous lie. If elected we

promise to make them

faster. Your response? My

faster. Your response? My first

words were mummy and Pappa and

I can say them both in under 10

seconds. Very quickly, I want

to move onto font size. I think

that working families in

Australia know that when it

comes to talking quickly, it

was me that wrote the book.

It's available in three speeds

- fast, very fast and

chipmunk. We are out of time.

Should have spoken more

fastly, so we can

fastly, so we can fit more

in. A final comment? T.

Richman, Canberra. Hello, I'm

Labor. And I'm Liberal. And I'm

committed to offering tax

cuts. Me, too. And giving

benefits to pensioners. Yeah,

me too. And having a

gaffe-prone Environment

Minister? Yep, same

again. Well, I like eating

babies heads? Happy to give it

a try. I hate people who

a try. I hate people who say me

too? That really shits me. I

like wearing suits. Yeah, me -

in just a sec. Happy to change

my name to Howard, too, if that

the will help. Giving voters

more choice than ever.

Thanks to our unique cardboard thought bubble

technology we're able to get a

better sense of what the

candidates are thinking these

days. Yeah, let's take a look,

shall we? Here's Kevin Andrews

in Chinatown the Immigration

Minister out on the

hustings. Very good. Brendan

Nelson, too, with the Liberal

polls as they are he is polls as they are he is

regretting his change of

party. And Labor's defence

spokesman was worried this week

when Latham returned to the

headlines. An old mate of his.

And kicking a man who's down,

classic Latham. I would have thought Malcolm Turnbull would

be more worried about his seat.

He's still looking to the

future, obviously. Got my hat?

Good. OK, yeah. Hello. What

is that? What have you got there? Don't blame

there? Don't blame me, you're

the one thinking it? You

couldn't do that to Peter

Garrett, he's too

tall. Wentworth is shaping up

to be one of the most hot ly-contested. I've been

attacked by a vampire. That's

Kevin Andrews giving a press

conference. That's worse. We

might try to come back to

Wentworth when the computer's back back in order. I don't know if

you saw on a side point, on

election night Channel 7 is

trying to turn the coverage on

its head promising a

boring-free election night and

taking a more fun light-hearted

approach using Mel and Kochie.

I think it looks a

hoot. Fabulous, more details

about the Seven conference have

come to light. Election night

on Seven got more exciting, on Seven got more exciting, as

our political experts Jennifer

Hawkins and Sonia Kruger join

the cast of 'Home and Away' to

bring you seat analysis. With

Helen Ritchie and Todd McKenny

dancing live in Eden-Monaro and

all the latest swings and

trends from the only man with

the finger on his pulse. There

is no Costello! If that's not

lightweight enough, we've also lightweight enough, we've also

got Anna. Journalist-free

coverage. Be sure to pick up

free glasses to see Darryl

Somers play the drums live in

the tally-room in full 3-D


Welcome back. And Chris, we

were talking earlier about

Howard's inability to cut

through in this campaign. A

big problem. All campaign big problem. All campaign you

only need to look at the response this week to his

official campaign launch. It's

clear that people are tired of

him. Yeah, and I think that his

morning walk for instance, once

such a symbol of his energy has

become a bit ridiculous, too.

Look at the footage here.

Look, every morning a new

fringe group acowsing him. All

manner of bizarre

characters. Where do people get

the idea it's OK to hasle the Prime Minister on his morning

walk. I think we know who to

blame for that. Go on, give me

a hug. All we need is nuclear

power and it can go back in

time. True, I think we all feel

some guilt for turning his

morning walk into a side show,

especially me. It was only

fair we made it up to the the

Prime Minister by working for

him, rather than against

him. Boys come to help. Notice

you're getting a lot of idiots

on the walks in the morning.

We feel guilty about that, here

to help. Leave the big ones to

me. Just a nice safe distance

thanks folks. A round of

applause as we go

through. G'day there. A bit through. G'day there. A bit of

a " good on ya, Johnny"

please. You're going the other

way, I think mate. Is that a

Liberal dog? Liberal

dog? Yes. That's cool, no

problem. Want to keep the

Howard impersonations to a

minimum today. Got to be a flatter way to get there.

This is the last week of

walks, just had to ruin it,

didn't you. Prime

Minister! Enough of the lame

props guys, get out of here. You guys

here. You guys have

changed. Stupid undergraduates,

bloody hell.

Gents I've got information to

hand from the seat of Charlton

a safe ALP seat in Newcastle.

The sitting member is Kelly

Hoare whose father was the

Labor member before her.

Forced out by her own

party. Safe Labor seats

shouldn't be doled out

shouldn't be doled out to ALP

kids. No, union bosses

instead. Former ACTU secretary

Greg Combet has been parachuted

into the seat of Charlton. It

hasn't really worked out very

well. She's actually drifted

over the entire seat into

another electorate, thankfully

a $1 million mansion has

eventually stopped him

here. Will this be bad, the

fact he doesn't live in the

electorate? The voters will be happy he's not

happy he's not living anywhere

near him. Another key candidate

is, of course, Mal Brough the Indigenous Affairs Minister

who's been behind this

controversial army intervention

population policy -- policy in

the Top End. He's the brother

of Rob Brough the former host

of Family Feud. They're like

peas in the pod, those boys.

What would life be like if they

had traded careers and Mal

Brough instead of Rob ended up

hosting Family Feud. Welcome

back, the white family is in

control. Peter, we asked 100

swinging voters to name

something that could win the

Government the next election.

Peter you said? Interest rates,

Mal. Not this time,

unfortunately. It's over to

the black family now. I'm afraid we've

afraid we've run out of time to

ask you anything. The answer

we were looking for was a

national emergency. A

re-elected coalition Government

will commit a further $5


You're watching the 'Chaser''s exclusive coverage

of the election 2007 and it's our great

our great honour at last to

present this campaign's very

first Mal Award. Yes, every

election the Mal Award is our

way of saying a big well done

to the candidate who makes the

biggest stuff-up of the week.

An award named after the Rugby

League great Mal Meninga who

earns the distinction of having

the shortest political career

in Australian history. Ah Mal,

let's relive the epic journey

of that career one more time.

REPORTER: Why are you

standing? A number of reasons.

I guess throughout my sporting

career I've had the urge to do

community work and I think

I've, you know, I've really

worked hard on that aspect, my

16 years in Canberra. The

thing about that is I was I

guess a public figure and I was

put out on the podium where I

was just a person out there

making sure that I was um...

I'm buggered. I'm sorry. That

still gives me the chills to

think what could have

been. Extraordinary. Onto the

winner. There's two this week.

I'm delighted to announce that

the first Mal of campaign 2007

goes to none other than the

sister-in-law of Ivan Milat,

Lisa Milat. Yes, Lisa Milat is

running on a Senate ticket in

the ACT and the thing I like about Lisa Milat is the

strength of her convictions.

Most people would say OK, I'm

the sister-in-law of a serial

killer, therefore I probably

shouldn't run on a pro-guns

platform. That's what most

people would say. But what

Lisa Milat says is... You know

to own a rifle you shouldn't

need to um, you know, have to

have a licence. That's not why

she's Malworthy that's why

she's going to lose the election.

election. The reason why she's

taking home the Mal is for this

extraordinary implosion on 'A

Current Affair'. Euthanasia...

we are definitely um, we think

that euthanasia is, we

definitely should have that.

Can you just cut this for a

sec, I can't do this. That's

magic, she's practically

channelled Mal Meninga

himself. She firmly believes in

the right to die. Before she

does, I thought I'd present her

with this prestigious

award. We've got the Mal Award,

we give it out every week on

the campaign trail.

Congratulations. Well done on

winning the Mal Award. A truly

elated winner there. In fact,

just as a side note, if we look

at the Senate ticket that Lisa

Milat's running on,

Milat's running on, she's

sharing with the sisters of

Bryant and Jack the

Ripper. He's about the most gaffe-prone person in the campaign. This week was no

exception, into the hall of

Mal, I'm pleased to induct the

Health Minister Tony

Abbott. What a week he's had.

To cap it off he takes out the

Mal for getting caught out on

camera admitting that workers

have lost some of their

protections under the WorkChoices WorkChoices legislation. A

ballsup by anyone's standards.

I enjoyed the tremendous spin

he applied on the Channel Nine

'Today' show. Certain

protections, in inverted

commas, are not what they were.

I accept that has largely

gone. Tone Ji? Excellent,

excellent statement. I think it

was and an excellent statement

like that deserves an excellent

prize. Tony, you've won again.

Hang on a sec, I've just got

the 'Chaser' with me. I'm a

lucky man, aren't I? Tony,

you've won the Mal Award.

They'll be very proud? For

stuff-ups on the campaign

trail. For getting caught on camera saying WorkChoices have

got rid of protections. I was

stitched up there.

stitched up there. I'm happy

to revel in this award. I know

you're preparing for

Opposition. You wait until

you've lost before you bring

down the Government. I am

preparing to be Health Minister

in the next government. Do you

want to say something to the

camera now to put yourself in

the running. I've said more

than enough. Do you think than enough. Do you think so?

There's a week left. When I

told him off-camera I thought

he was a prick, this is what he

had to say? Excellent,

excellent statement. Kerry

O'Brien and Anthony Green will

be in the chairs on Saturday

night, join us again next

Wednesday for our full election

wrap-up. Vote early, vote

often, just don't vote

Milat. To take us out, we leave

you with a soundbite montage of every instance when every instance when Kevin Rudd

has uttered the phrase "

working families". Strap yourselves in, we'll see you

next week. Goodnight. Working

families... working families,

working families. Australian

working families, working

families, working families.

Start for working families...

working families. Working families, working

families, working families,

working families... all working

families. Working families,

working families across

Australia, working families,

working families, working families, bad for working

families. Bad for working families. Working families

face the double whammy.

Working families, working

families are paying the price. Working

You were my best friend and you left me in that caravan park with a $772 bill. Christine Grimwood will be taking up the position of children's librarian effective immediately.

APPLAUSE How long until the Premier visits? Three weeks. Now, have you organised your day off yet? Will Christine be there? Why? No reason. THEME MUSIC

I mean, it's not funny. It's not clever. You and I don't find it clever or funny. It's... KIDS SCREECH Yeah, uh-uh. Excuse me, I'm after a book. Yes, I don't think... It's Australian about the priest. If you go to the front counter... By the fat woman on that island. Colleen McCullough?

Frances, if I might call upon your learned counsel...

Yeah. It's 'The Thorn Birds' under Mc. Thank you. What's our position on lending them out in this condition? Oh.

Give it to me. I'll sort it out. Get off. Why can't you get me in to see him? (Mouths) Get off me. Leave me alone. You.

This is your job, Piero. My job is to defend you in court and you can barely afford me for that. I can't spend my time driving around trying to organise a candle-lit dinner for two. You don't understand what today means to me and Nico. Christine, I don't even celebrate my own anniversary. How should I care about yours? Now, has Frances said yes? What? Character witness, Christine.

No, and she's not gonna. I dunno why she hates me so much. You just focus on the job at hand

and forget about all that lovey-dovey stuff, alright?

She's in la la land. I'll think about it.

Euh, to tell you the truth, it's a little sloppy. This is empty. (Mimics) This is empty. I'm sorry, 'The Great Gatsby' is on reserve.

Have you read the new Bryce Courtenay? I hate Bryce Courtenay. Oh, then 100 million people must be wrong, mustn't they? Can I have a quick word with everybody, please?

Nada. Dawn, could you motor over here?

Thanks very much.

The Premier's visit in Book Week is two weeks away... Oh! Dawn, go forwards. Go forward. Not back. Dawn. Oh, my God. Sorry.

Dawn, what have I said about veering to your right? I forgot. We need a comfortable distance between you and others. Lachie, are you alright? Are you sure? I'm fine, Dawn. Oh. This dumb thing. I've been practising my controls and I'm slowing down in every doorway. Alright, Dawn. The Premier's Book Week visit is in two weeks. I want a shelf check to make sure there's no more of this.

LAUGHTER Or this. I didn't see that in the Merchant Ivory Production. (Laughs) Matthew, if you'd like to explain to the Premier what's so funny about a bottom, then be my guest.

Now, I want everyone on the lookout for the culprits. Alright? Have Frances' kids been in in the last few days? Sorry, Nada. I didn't catch that. Oh, I was just wondering whether your daughters were on school holidays at the moment?

Nada, I know I let my girls wear their hair out but it doesn't necessarily follow that they would vandalise literature. Bridget, Kathleen. GIRLS GIGGLE Mary, we don't light matches in here. What are you doing with my deodorant? (Screams) Give it, give it back! Are your girls enrolled in Boredom Busters, Frances? No, they're away at guides. For the whole week? Yes. Frances, that's so romantic. What? You and Terry. You've got the whole house to yourselves. Someone's having a second honeymoon. Could you pass the salt? Why?

I want some for my chicken. I thought I put enough flavour in the meal but if you don't think so. Actually, it's OK.

No. I should probably spend a bit longer than an hour in the kitchen anyway. When the kittens are away, the cats will play like rabbits. (Laughs) Yeah, little bloody rabbits. Huh? Yes, well it's lucky the kittens are away and not in Boredom Busters because there's absolutely nothing happening over there. Um, Matthew, I didn't wanna embarrass you in front of everyone but that's not the right expression. I think it's mice. When the cat's away, the mice will play, not kittens. And I don't think there's anything in there about rabbits. Don't worry, I don't think Frances noticed but I just...

And that is how we make a mask, everyone. Oh, hi, Franny. Say hi to Franny, everybody. This is empty. Christine, why aren't they wearing their aprons? This hasn't got any eye holes, there aren't any whiskers. I mean, are the pipe cleaners even out? Franny, I am trying my very hardest to make a go of this job

but just tell me what I've done to tick you off so much. Nothing. We've got record enrolments in Boredom Busters this school holidays and I need to know you're across it. It's a very popular event. I want to go to work with you. This is shit. Wouldn't you like to decorate a lovely mask for your mum? No. I don't blame you. Blah! But if we put pipe cleaners on it. I don't want to. We might leave it, I think. Sorry, you are aware the deposit is non-refundable. Well, I'm really wondering if I should have bothered with the mass mail-out. No, of course you should've. Franny, it's gonna be great. Honestly. Alright, then.

Sorry, Christine. I've just gotta make a really quick call. What are you doing? It's our anniversary.

Whose? Mine and Nico's. Of what? Our relationship. Oh. How do you arrive at a date when you're, you're... Oh, it's not called living in sin anymore, is it? It's um... Oh. Actually, it was the day that I couldn't think about the next day without seeing Nico in it. So, pre-prison then? I've been nuts about him ever since.

KY: I need some help over here. Oh. AEROPLANE FLIES OVERHEAD I think we need an ambulance. Oh, Father Harris. I looked over and she was clutching her chest and then she fell. Just a little fainting spell, I think. It looks like she hit her head on the sharp edge of the shelf. Yes, thank you. I can't see how it's the library's fault that she fell. Maybe put the kettle on, Ky. Yep. Good. (Sighs) You know, a lot of people say that McCullough's work is trashy. I can't see it, myself.

Father, this is getting out of hand. This is the third one this morning. What, a fainting spell? See, it could be airport fumes. It's school holidays and it's not a coincidence we have a major graffiti problem. Incidentally, Frances, your daughters..? They're at girl guide camp. Ah. Well, that's a great break for you and Terry. Ah, I've got tinea again. It is lovely to catch up. Father, you know I don't like to point the finger but I blame the Boredom Busters program. Christine is really struggling with it. Well, that's a turn up. It's usually the kids. She can't hold the children's attention. Obviously, they're going to pick up a texta. I mean, where is she now? They should be well and truly onto swag hats by now. Oh, it's a shambles.