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The Gruen Transfer -

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(generated from captions) what dance step are you doing In the Elton John song, BUZZER if you're hopping and bopping? Crocodile Rock. Silverchair's 1995 debut album? And what was the name of This side. BUZZER Frogstomp it was. Frogstomp. And your final question - Hooray. Gibb close the SCG Sound Relief - With which Bee Gees song did Barry BUZZER Um... he did Islands In The Stream, ..he did it with Olivia and he did, I didn't even see it. It must have been something else. Did he close? No, that would be inappropriate. Was it Tragedy? It'd be a downer. Spicks and Specks? No, it'd be -

Spicks and Specks. the show, because it's fantastic. That should be the theme to Yeah, it's musically brilliant. To our show? You haven't seen our show, have you? Your show's good, Adam. Yeah, I know. But it's called Spicks And Specks.

the Bee Gees song Spicks And Specks But that's why I'm saying

it could be that. should be the theme, It is the theme. No! Call me when it's finish4ed. Look what you've done. Not my trophy! No! throwing something that cheap away Who would have thought would break it?

do that with the French Knighthood. Do you know what, I hope you didn't the final scores are - At the end of the show, ended up on 7 points, Alan, Tina, Tim 14 points. Myf, Bob, Dave won the day, APPLAUSE our guests for tonight - Would you please thank all Bob Evans and Dave Hughes. Tina Arena, Tim Minchin, APPLAUSE Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst. And of course, our two team captains, APPLAUSE a special performance by Tina Arena, We leave you tonight with version of the Frank Sinatra classic, as she sings the original French My Way, accompanied by Paul Grey. And Specks, my name's Adam Hills. Thanks for watching Spicks Good night, Australia. (SINGS IN FRENCH)

Closed Captions by CSI *

THEME MUSIC

APPLAUSE welcome to The Gruen Transfer, G'day, I'm Wil Anderson, and how it just gets in. a show about advertising tonight includes, Our panel of industry insiders

Todd Sampson, as always, from Leo Burnett, Russel Howcroft. and from George Patterson Y&R, APPLAUSE on the Gruen Bus Back for another ride New Zealander, Bridget Taylor, is freelance creative and token creative strategist and welcome to a new face, Matt Jones. at the Jack Morton Group, APPLAUSE Here's a test for the eyes.

What's Wrong With This Ad. It's a game called something about this next commercial At Gruen HQ, we think there's that just doesn't sit right.

Here's a question for you. our home loan rates What can we do about that will make people...happier? Well...hmm... You could make them smaller. but that bloke ate it. There was a big horse in that ad, LAUGHTER wrong with this ad? Bridget, what do you think's few seconds of the ad, Well, in the first another staff member there's actually on a moon hopper, bouncing down the hallway you know, "Behind closed doors and to me that kind of says, about your money, we don't really give a stuff we're just having a laugh."

they're out the back No wonder there's no tellers, rolling around in our cash. Russel?

about it for me I think one of the odd things with a, if you like, is it's yet another bank ad office building with weird props. moving camera on the inside of an Right, OK, and finally, Todd. Put aside that a pony is talking... LAUGHTER with a male voiceover. ..it's a female pony How can you tell? LAUGHTER He's just...seriously...

APPLAUSE of the horse, how do you mean? Their genitals aren't at the front How do you know that, Russel? It hasn't got breasts. is wrong with this ad? What do I think that the people who want Well, it's not the fact their advice from dwarf ponies. to look after my money take No, that makes perfect sense.

What bothers me is the dwarf pony anything worth hearing. isn't telling them

really? Customers want lower interest rates  before they spoke to the horse? They didn't know that APPLAUSE where we speed date a bunch of ads Now, How Do You Sell, to work out how they're seducing us. where our mouth is, Tonight we put our money

world of dental care, heading to the pearly white a year in this country. a market worth more than $500 million

Remember this classic?

they clean their teeth. Mrs Marsh, make sure with my Colgate Flouriguard. Sure, we'll brush and you know how that helps. It's got fluoride, the surface of tooth enamel With regular brushing, it gets into It gets in? and stays there to fight decay. the fluoride in Colgate Flouriguard. Look - pretend this liquid is And this chalk is your tooth. Look at that! It does get in!

Oh, yes. But is it proven? Mrs Marsh baby-sit again? "Mum, do we have to have about Colgate." She's always banging on I milked a lot of cows I mean, seriously, gave me a lot of time to think, when I was a little kid, and it wondering how exactly and I spent big chunks of that time

my teeth were like chalk, didn't drink anything blue? and would I be OK if I just that ad doesn't make much sense. Russel, when you think about it,

Why was it so successful? solving a market problem. The first thing is that it was concerned about fluoride, The market was very for fluoride for children, fluoride in water and the need there was a big mass problem. so if you like, Then the problem was being solved by a teacher in the form of Mrs Marsh, and she's using her tool of the trade, she's using the chalk, and then I think... She never left the house without chalk, did she?

There was a series of ads, like, "Have I got my wallet? Have I got my keys? I've got my liquid, I've got my chalk." That's it. So it's a teacher educating around a problem that exists, and perhaps most importantly of all, they were relentless. The interesting thing with her is she's so irritating and annoying that you almost like her cos she's a caricature of being irritating and annoying. Yeah, but in 1980 she was reassuring and she was educative and she was seen as the teacher that was using her tool... No, she was irritating and annoying in the 1980s. She only became... The kids really liked her cos she didn't teach any maths cos all her chalk was ruined. If she came to your house and did that,

what would you be doing? Yes, but it's an ad, Todd. I understand that. I understand that. No, so it's just using... ..it's using the tools of the advertising trade to demonstrate what the product's doing. All that's doing is giving mothers, in particular in that period of time, the solution to a big problem that they thought was in the market,

and the problem being lack of fluoride. Here's another blast from the past. This man is a dentist, so we can't show you his face on television. Morning, Rob. But the fact that he's brushing his teeth may prompt you to ask, "What sort of toothbrush do dentists use?" OK, Rob. Show us.

Oral B. Todd, that guy looks unusually buffed and sexy for a dentist, doesn't he? Do you reckon he was one? I mean, you see ads with dentists in them these days, what was the idea you couldn't show his face on TV?

I really like this one, and this is a very successful... BRIDGET: Me too. ..campaign, and the creative spin or genius in it was to actually turn the dentist around. And it created a sense of intrigue and interest on what this guy would look like, but the interesting thing is how it was made. Rob is actually a hybrid. Rob the dentist that you see, so his back is a real dentist, his hands are actually model's, and his voice is John Laws.

LAUGHTER He's like a super robot. I had a thought, actually maybe he is a real dentist

and he's the hottest, most buffed dentist they could find, but he had really bung teeth. LAUGHTER I just half expect he'll turn around and he'll look like Mickey Rourke. "Blaaaaah."

Well, Oral B's still using a variation on that today, "the brand more dentists use." Colgate goes with, "recommended by Australian dentists." Help me, Matt, which one should I believe? I think what's really interesting about those two lines is they sound very similar, they're actually saying very different things. You know, Oral B is trying to own something, trying to own this notion of dentists, toothbrush, credible, professional, all good. Colgate couldn't care less about that stuff. They know that Oral B own that ground. What they want is to neutralise it, they want to confuse the issue, they want you to think, "I'm not sure now, maybe some dentists use one, some use the other  how else do I choose?" And guess what? People are more loyal to toothpaste than they are to toothbrushes, and most people buy Colgate, so if Colgate confuse it, people buy Colgate toothbrushes. Cos one is very simple there, isn't it? One's the one more dentists use, and the other one's the one dentists recommend, and let's be honest, if you think through that process, dentists want you to have cavities, so... LAUGHTER Cos otherwise they don't have business, so they're probably recommending the rubbish one, if you know what I'm saying. The dentists are saying, "You know what you should brush your teeth with? A tube of condensed milk." LAUGHTER Aside from the dentist's seal of approval, another way these ads win us over is via innovation. What's that? It's...an earthquake! No, it's... it's the Colgate 360 Sonic Power, with sonic vibrations! And a cheek and tongue cleaner! Ah, at last, a vibrator I can brush my teeth with. LAUGHTER Who comes up with the something to sell? Is that like the research department, you know, of Colgate or Macleans, or or does the agency ever go to them and say, "We need something else we can whack in an ad"? They often come to us with a product technology and ask us to find the benefit - how that...how people...

..why people would want that thing that they've created, but also the innovation or ideas can happen from an agency, just purely through research or lateral thinking. And my favourite example in the toothpaste market is you go to the agency and you say, "I need to increase toothpaste sales, what should we do?" And the agency comes back and says, "You should just increase the size of the hole." And of course you will sell a lot more toothpaste. So it's a nice lateral, nice lateral solution to the problem.

BRIDGET: That's a good one. It's no doubt that Colgate is the elephant in the bathroom. It dominates the supermarket shelf with more products than the rest of the brands combined. Whitening this, fresh breath that, tartar control, plaque fighting, cavity protection, 12-hour-clean, fluoride enhanced. Bridget, couldn't they just put it all in one tube? Do you know, I actually think they could probably put it all in one tube but they have spent the last like 20 or 30 years convincing us all that we don't, we can't have one product, we need loads of products

because it's all about money.

But it's also about choice. People like choice. They like having stuff to choose from, and it's very smart from Colgate. Give people choice within a little bit of familiarity. You don't have to go outside the Colgate family to have that choice, and the great thing for Colgate is they create more choice with more products, and then after a while they think, "Wait a minute, we'll bring them all back together," and you've got something called Total, and then you create Total Whitening and then you create Total Fresh. And you're like, "Hang on, the other Total wasn't total after all!" And then you've got Total total. Ultimate Total. Ultimate Total Fresh. Triple Total. And it starts again. You can't have Total plus something surely, can you? Or it's not Total, that's like Infinity plus one. They're not going to stop innovating, of course you can. But it's the same issue I have with Panadol. So you got Panadol Rapid and you got Panadol normal, so Panadol Rapid is for when you want to get rid of it quickly... Panadol normal's when we want to have the headache for another 20 minutes. I like the baking soda and peroxide, I like that, cos you know you can make a cake with it, dye your hair. They've stopped that haven't they? They don't... I'm not sure, but it's also about making sure you've got

as plenty of shelf coverage in the supermarket.

It's about having as much red and white as you possibly can

so that when you walk down the aisle,

that's the predominant brand. Well, here's another brand that's carved a foothold in the market. I was hesitant to bite into the ice cream because I knew that it was going to hurt. I went to the supermarket and I found Sensodyne. Within sort of a week or so, I wasn't having to hold back anymore.

Life's too short to go without ice cream. I love the hidden camera and constant changes of location in that ad. It's like she's in the witness relocation program.

It's a weird ad, though, isn't it? Like you just watch it the whole time going, "Just move the pot plant out of the way." Testimonials are a very, very popular strategy, so I think the reason it looks so cheap is cause it was designed to look cheap. BRIDGET: Yeah. Cause I think what testimonials generally mean is they don't believe the claim. So clearly people don't believe this works. So what they do is, how do you solve that? You get a real person to say, "It works," and everyone goes, "Oh, OK, it works."

And so sometimes it's quite expensive to make it look cheap, and so what they're doing there is... A good agency will do that every day. I hope that's on camera. LAUGHTER

I hope that's captured. But...so I think if they made it look too slick, it's less believable. You kind of think, "Oh, it's an ad." But the more basic and real they make it look, you think it's genuine.

For me what this ad's doing is that Sensodyne has always been

an older person's product, and the notion that sensitive teeth is something that happens to you when you get older, so, what I think they're trying to do here is, if you like, make... ..they're trying to have a conversation about it and normalise it, normalise the notion that you can have sensitive teeth if you're however old that woman is, you know, middle...middle-aged? I don't know. Anyway, whatever. Big hello if she's watching. Yes, hello.

LAUGHTER I'm mid-30s, I have sensitive teeth, like, you don't have to be that old to have...mine are very sensitive, they write poetry. I have emo teeth. They cut themselves occasionally, though. Now, The Pitch, where we dare two ad agencies to sell the unsellable. The winner receives this Gruen Trophy currently valued at 49 cents on EBay.

This week, the hypothetical client is Shane Warne. But that has to be kept secret. All he wants is an ad to remove the one remaining obstacle between himself and the title of "Australia's greatest cricketer". Yes, an ad that will make Australia hate Don Bradman. Can our experts in persuasion take the wicket? Let's find out. Please welcome, from KWP in Adelaide, James Rickard. APPLAUSE And from Cummins Nitro Brisbane, Nancy Hartley. APPLAUSE James, you first, did you have a light-bulb moment? The Don's impenetrable, his greatness is just so great that we couldn't break it down, we figured what we'd do

is actually use that, make that his Achilles heel and use his greatness against him. Oh, let's have a look.

'Where did it all go wrong? We once had a nation of fit and active kids. From dawn till dusk they'd emulate their idols. But then this man came along. The legendary Don bloody Bradman. No-one could live up to the legend, he was too perfect. Their spirits were crushed under the weight of expectation.

So they just went inside and watched TV and got fat. What we need today is an imperfect legend, a fallible hero, someone our kids can hope to be. We ask you, for the sake of our children, who should really be the greatest Aussie cricketer?'

Oh, great job! That's fantastic, fantastic. APPLAUSE If the kid had had a smoke or a mobile phone, it would have topped it off. That hit the cutting room floor. Exactly. All right, Nancy, what did you come up with? Well, our first thought, I guess, was, "Is Don, is not good." Then we quickly moved on, and doing some research for this project, actually we discovered this interesting fact, and that was that Don Bradman actually never shouted his team mates a round of drinks, we figured that was pretty un-Australian, not to buy your mates a drink, so we've created a product that would reposition the Don as the greatest un-Australian cricketer, thereby leaving the door open for Shane to be the greatest Australian cricketer. Well, let's have a look. 'On Friday the 20th, Bradman Bitter was launched at the Jubilee Hotel.

No preservatives, no additives, no beer.'

$3.50, thanks.

Enjoy that one. Why are you here giving us nothing to drink?

He...he Bradman shouts all the time. "No preservatives, no additives, no beer." Got no money, doing a Don. That's $3.50. That's bullshit. That is un-Australian. $3.50, thanks. This is shit.

Do you reckon Warnie would buy a round for the team? If they were women. 'Celebrate the greatest un-Australian cricketer with a Bradman Bitter.' Matter of fact, I haven't got one now. Wow, all right. APPLAUSE I don't know how to pick it, I've got to be honest with you. Panel what do we think? Russel? Well, as a hardcore Victorian, well, I love the idea of Shane Warne

taking over the mantel, and I think the idea of having a beer as Bradman and trying to educate everyone that he didn't shout his mates is really good. However, I'm going to go with the other one cos I think it's on-trend, I think it's believable, and the whole idea that Warnie could take over from Don just because, you know, the Don contributed to our society's plights right now, I think that's fantastic. All right, Bridget, what did you reckon, mate? Well, I think considering we're talking about new media today and the beer is an old new media cause it's empty, I just love that idea of getting something and getting nothing cos you feel so ripped off, so I have to go with Cummins Nitro. All right, Matt, what do you think? Look, I think they're both great. I think tapping into the strategy of finding the un-Australianness

within Bradman and I think both have done really well, but I think the beer's inspired. Todd?

If Warnie wasn't fat, I would have went for the first one, but I actually...I actually go for the beer as well, I think it's...I think the whole notion of tapping into being un-Australian is really good so... Oh, fantastic. Well, congratulations, well done. There we go. APPLAUSE Thank you, thank you.

Well done to you both, though, fantastic job. That's how our panel saw it. You can agree or disagree by casting your vote at our website:

While you're there, show off your skills making ads. We've built an online ad making machine that pulls together all the elements you'll need to come up with your own Australian tourism ad. Make as many as you think this country deserves. Out-Baz Baz. If your idea's good enough, maybe we'll show it right here on TV.

APPLAUSE

Tonight's ad of the week is one for the romantics, it's the Cinderella story of a young girl who falls in love with a handsome prince in a Sydney cafe. The prince gets away but leaves his jacket behind. This being the 21st century, she makes a video plea for help and posts it on YouTube. Here's a taste. I met this guy a couple of days ago in a cafe, and um...

He left his jacket behind so that's why I've got it, like he left it there, so I picked it up for him. Cos I thought I could maybe give it back to him. And that's what I'm doing now. (GROANS) Anyway... So this is his jacket, if it's yours, or you know who it belongs to... I'm Heidi, and you can email me to get your jacket back at: I just set it up for this, so...yeah.

So I'm not crazy, I'm not a stalker, seriously. Yeah, "I'm not crazy, I'm not a stalker." That's what somebody says before they make a jacket out of your human skin. Within a week of its launch, that video had notched up tens of thousands of hits. The media jumped on it. Heidi, the Cinderella girl, appeared all over the place. "No," she kept saying, "it's not a fake."

I'm genuine, so...yeah. But it was. The whole thing was an ad for a clothing chain's new line of jackets for men. The online hoax is becoming

tool of advertising. Todd, as an increasing popular tool of advertising yourself... LAUGHTER Where's the line between being playful and being, you know, plain old lying. Should she have admitted that it was a fake when she was asked?

This is this is a classic symptom in the industry now

of our desperation to get our ads, our communication, noticed, and this is one of those examples. Now I draw the line at, I think people just don't

like to be deceived, but they like to be entertained, and my issue with this ad is two things. One - that it didn't lead you anywhere, so it didn't actually go to a conversation between the company and you, it didn't do any of that.

It just was built to deceive. And the second thing I didn't- No, hold, Russel. The second thing I don't like about it, which is my major issue with it,

is that they lied. So when asked, I get it if the ad is luring people in through an interesting engaging idea and then you reveal that it's actually that company and then everybody goes, "Oh, OK, I got it now." They didn't do that. But what happened is they then asked the company and the agency, and they both lied. She's not the first girl, when asked if she was faking it, who lied, let's be honest. But, Todd, you can't seriously think that that wasn't clearly and obviously an ad. When you see that, that's clearly an ad. That logic doesn't work, Russel, because why did they lie? They lied to make people think it wasn't. No, no, no, then why were they... Because if that was... ..why were they asked the question? They were asked the question because it was obviously an ad. Yeah, but it wasn't meant to be an ad, though, was it? It's an ad. Yeah, but it wasn't obviously meant to be an ad, they would have liked it to go better than it did, wouldn't they? I think that's probably true. It was almost too obvious... It's unravelled slightly. The fact she's gone, "I've got this jacket here..." It's clearly an ad. "..I bought it home." Everyone's going, "Well, why didn't you leave it in the cafe? Hand it into lost and found, you thief." LAUGHTER I think this worked really well online because online, people in that space, people are used to be tricked, and they don't mind and if Heidi had have stayed online and leave it up to the bloggers, is it fake, is it real - doesn't matter. But what they did wrong was they made this fake person

into a real person who came out and said, "Oh, I'm real, it's true," and that bit was totally wrong. For me, the point where it just kind of hit bottom was not when she lied, but then when she came clean and was asked and she said, "Why did I lie? To be honest, because I'm a hopeless romantic."

So she even lied about why she lied.

LAUGHTER Just crazy. She's a girl, though. Who cares about Heidi? She's an actress hired to do it. My issue is that I don't buy the logic of, "Clearly it was an ad, therefore everybody knew and therefore they go with it," because for me the issue still is, that's all fine but when someone phones you up and says, "Was that an ad?" and you say, as the head of the company,

"No, it wasn't," as the head of the agency you say, "No, it wasn't," there's an issue, there has to be an issue with that. Absolutely. I'd get it if they revealed. At first I think that the game was fine, then as things went on, as the tease became not quite a tease any more, then it did start to unravel. So you think they designed it so that people wouldn't think it was an ad? They designed it so people would think it was an ad. Well, why would that be interesting? Why would anyone give a shit? Why don't you just run the logo at the back? Because...because people play the game. people play...online now, people play that game, they know what's going on, that is the new language of online and so they'll play it - that's part of what's going on. It's also why people... it's why they were asked

the question by the media, because it was so obviously marketing that was happening. Yeah, but is that because they wanted to do that, Russel, or because they just poorly executed what was another idea? MATT: That's right. Um...no, I think that's...

It was so badly done. I mean... Yeah, but that isn't... I don't think you design... you design this idea which is a take-off of the New York romance, I don't think you create this idea hoping everyone thinks it's an ad when they see it. Why would they share it? Why would people get involved? They know it's an ad. They designed it because they think the less it looks like an ad the more interesting it is.

No, because we're in the age of social media, and we're in the age of people just getting engaged

with these things for the sake of it. We're also in the age where the media picks these things up and that is the core of the idea. The absolute core of what's going on here is to create media noise. A couple of weeks later the agency ran full-page ads listing the newspaper, radio, TV and internet outlets that had fallen for the story, naming and shaming them. One of the journalists involved said, and I quote, "If they think the media will forgive and forget being lied to, then the biggest joke is on them". Ooh!

LAUGHTER Matt, is rubbing people's noses in your hoax insane, or is it some kind of freaky genius? Yeah, it's pretty insane. I mean, this, for me, is a sort of scorched earth approach to marketing. It's kind of do something once, and no-one's ever going to be able to go there again, because the level of trust that's been breached in this, it's pretty shocking, and it's interesting 'cause there's a whole industry

growing up around this notion of trying to drive word of mouth - there's a Word Of Mouth Marketing Association in America. They've got three rules of conduct. This campaign broke all three. What are the rules of conduct? Honesty of relationship, of opinion and identity. In other words you say who you're representing, you say what you think and you say who you really are, which kind of we didn't do here. So, you know, it's a pretty impressive disaster. Well, the point of any stunt is to get noticed. The Cinderella story got an estimated $8 million worth of media coverage. We're talking about it on this show. That's another...50 cents or more. Russel, is any publicity good publicity? I think that my instinctive answer to that would be yes, to be honest, however, when you are in fact pissing off the core constituency,

then perhaps the answer is no. So is it yes or no, Russel? Well, no, no, in this case it is no. Yeah? Cos I don't believe...

PR is another channel which we use to communicate, and just like bad advertising can damage a brand, and really bad advertising can slow sales of a brand, so can bad PR. The idea here is just like a guy saying he'll just put it in a little bit. It's a lie. LAUGHTER We couldn't afford a hoax but we do try to entertain you online as well. Check out what the panel made of the ad that's been scraping its nails down the Gruen blackboard this week

in God I Hate That Ad, a new web-only segment of the show. You can watch it at our site:

If there's an ad you hate, please tell us about it and we'll see if we can work ourselves into a frenzy about it too.

APPLAUSE That's all for tonight. Next week on The Gruen Transfer we'll sell ice to Eskimos, find out how they get us to pay for water when we can already get it for free, and watch a bit of snail porn. SEXY MUSIC 'Oh, yeah!' Ooh yeah. LAUGHTER That's some slow, slimy love. Please thank our brains trust, Russel, Bridget, Matt and Todd. APPLAUSE Well done, guys. Oh, but wait, there's more. Before we go, another extraordinary effort that, like toothpaste ads, relies on science and the voice of medical authority to sell a product. But be warned, it does it in a very different way.

If you're easily offended, cover your eyes now. See you next week. APPLAUSE Come on, Grandpa, come and play with me.

When arthritis interrupted my life, I talked to my doctor about prescription Weltramaxx. Weltramaxx has been proven safe and fast-acting. 'Weltramaxx is not for everyone. Side effects may occur, including rash or skin legions, upset stomach, abnormal hair growth,

tremors, sweating, sexual side effects, erections lasting more than four hours require immediate medical assistance. Talk to your...' 'Use a natural remedy, available at naturalmarket.com.' Closed Captions by CSI *

'What did you want to be when you were a kid? When I was ten, I dreamt of being and doing so many things. But I never got around to them because, well, I grew up.

So now, almost 20 years later, I've chosen to go on a quest to be what I've always wanted to be, do what I've always wanted to do. My name's Laurence Leung. Welcome to my adventures.' When I was a kid, my favourite romantic movie wasn't Pretty In Pink, Pretty Woman or Lambada, the Forbidden Dance. It was Electric Dreams - the love triangle between a man, a woman and a desktop computer. It's a classic tale - boy meets girl, boy buys a computer, computer comes to life and declares love to girl by playing her cheesy synthesised music and then commits suicide by blowing itself up at the end. It's a universal story. At the same time this movie was released, I had my own unrequited love story at St Clare's Primary.

And it, too, made me feel like a lovesick Apple IIE computer. This is Grade 3. This is me. This is my best friend Dean Arcuri and this is the boy who ate his own poo and this is the first love of my life - Angela Gaskin.

I had a secret crush on Angela and so did Dean Arcuri. He always preferred to play with Angela, instead of me. (MOCK ANGRILY) After all I did for you, Dean! I tied your shoelaces for you, Dean!

Double knots, Dean! Angela was the principal's daughter. She could read a whole book really fast and play violin. Once she got head lice and a school nurse said no-one was allowed within 3 metres of her.' CHILDREN: Ew! 'I feel sorry for her, so I deliberately broke the quarantine zone just so I could share her lice. It was pretty embarrassing. I actually walked home scratching my head, pretending it was itchy, just so I could feel her pain. This is the letter I wrote her the next day. I've actually kept it. It says, "I heard you couldn't come to school yesterday

bcos you got lice." That's a little picture of a louse there.

"I don't mind sitting next to you when you get back. I'm in the back row." Hot. Now, obviously, I never gave this to her. Maybe it was because of fear of rejection, fear of embarrassment, fear of lice.

Basically, I was really shy. Why would a girl like Angela fancy the kid with the bowl haircut? But I vowed I'd declare my love to her by the end of primary school. Then suddenly my family moved to a new suburb and I started Grade 4 at a new school far, far away. My mission this week is to find Angela Gaskin, a girl I haven't seen in over 20 years, and win her heart.'

Have you seen Angela? MAN: Hey, this is a touch screen. Oh. WOMAN: There might be better.

Hi. Have you seen Angela? 'So where on earth do you find your childhood crush after 20 years? Facebook.'

Hm... Maybe she's got a tan. 'Maybe I need to use police techniques, like morphing this picture of Angela with her father, the principal, to figure out what she'd look like now.' (GASPS) Oh... Angela... 'But guess who I did find on the Internet? My old rival for Angela's affections - Dean Arcuri.'

But I'm what we like to call vaginally challenged. LAUGHTER Well, it's not so much a challenge as straight-out avoidance. I mean, those things are scary. 'Is this the same Dean Arcuri from Grade 3?

He seems to have changed so much in 20 years.' It could be the fact that I like it up the pooper. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you for flying with us this evening. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed the flight.

Dean? Dean Arcuri? Hello. I'm Laurence Leung from St Clare's Primary, Grade 2.

Do you remember me? I do remember you. Hi! Wow. You do remember me. Well, the reason why I'm here, and this may sound really weird, OK, you know when you've got a crush on someone and you haven't seen this person for, like, 20 years and just because you're so young and you can't understand your own feelings you don't know how to explain it to someone. You were my best friend at the time. We always shared everything. Did my shoelaces. Yeah, I just want to tell you something that I've always wanted to tell you. Um... Did you have the hots for Angela Gaskin? No, I did not have the hots for Angela Gaskin. So you only hung around me to hang around her. Yeah. It drove me nuts, cos she really liked you. You two didn't ever...? No, I've always been into guys. Maybe that's why she was so comfortable with me. Oh... Um, so... Do you know where Angela is now? Like, I'm not weird. No, no. This is cool. 20-year crush. I'm going with it. This is fine. So do you know anyone who may know where she is? I'm trying to think... Do I still know anyone...? Here's my number. Like... If I find her or know someone I should give you... Tell them I'm not crazy. Tell them you're not crazy? I'm going to put some work into this. I'm going to get you numbers. Dean, thank you very much. No problem. And for old times, can I tie your laces again? Absolutely. Go for it. Wow. It's been 20 years. 'Great. Dean's not involved with Angela. In fact, he's going to help me find her. But if I do find her, what am I going to say? I mean, I've always had trouble talking to girls. I have to get over my shyness. I decide to consult my cousin William,

an expert in the field of childhood crushes.' Well, here's my problem. I always find it really hard to talk to girls

as soon as I realise I like them. What should I do? It's hard. The first one always hurts the most. Are you in love, Will? I don't want to talk about it. 'To learn how to speak to women, I bought this book. It's called The Game. It's about these guys who claim they can seduce any woman in minutes. They call themselves pickup artists. So I'm off to California to see if these seduction gurus can transform me