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The Chasers War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst. APPLAUSE a performance by Michael Smallwood, We leave you tonight with accompanied by Claire Cooper, The Way We Were singing Barbra Sreisand's and then back... using lyrics translated into Japanese ..into English. LAUGHTER And Specks. My name's Adam Hills. Thanks for watching Spicks APPLAUSE Goodnight, Australia. # Mmmm-hmm-hmmm # The memory # Like the corner of my heart # The fog deep swimming wear colour # The memory which is done # There were we of method that then everything is very simple # As for that is it possible to mean you correct at time # Or are lines the book the chance which is done # When we that entirely and possess # Don't you think call to me so is # Was we possible # Perhaps memory it is beautiful # At the present place excessively is pain as for us # To remember something which even simply # Chooses the fact that you forget # Therefore that is laughter

# We have remembered

# When we have remembered with when # There were # Methodological we # There were methodological we! # APPLAUSE

Closed Captions by CSI *

This program is not subtitled THEME MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much. Thank you.

for another week. Hello and welcome to the War that has more boof-heads and morons The only show on TV

State of Origin. than the Rugby League in tonight, a great crowd. It's true and a great crowd those swine flu masks. A lot of them wearing

You can't be too careful, I suppose. But I can't get into them, Craig. They're not practical at all. Same. They're not very practical. I gave them a go the other day, for a bit of a romantic dinner I kind of went out it was just hard work. and, look, quite frankly I mean, very impractical, I found, at the end of the night - and as for the goodnight kiss

well, very unsatisfactory. Like usual then, yes. LAUGHTER They do have some good uses, though. on Lateline Like I notice Kevin Rudd uses his the words, "$300 billion deficit." to ensure no one ever hears him say in hundreds of billions of dollars? So what is the figure of peak debt I'm about to come to that, Tony. Yes, well, plain in the budget papers. The Treasurer made this absolutely (MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) I said before, the figure was... the question, I think, Kevin. The point is that you're avoiding He's so evasive, so shy, that deficit figure. when it comes to admitting Yeah, he should. He should own it. I reckon he should wear it proudly. campaign T-shirts for him. We've even made up two new Instead of "Kevin '07", It's "Kevin 300 billion." APPLAUSE It's great. He'll be wearing it this winter. And for many years to come. But it's interesting to see swine flu how Rudd's actually trying to use away from the economy. to distract everyone's attention So this week, out a swine flu advertisement. the Government predictably rushed VOICEOVER: The flu and you. the recent outbreak The Government is closely monitoring in Australia. of human swine influenza If you are unwell, close contact with others. seek medical advice and try to avoid Try to avoid contact with others? all our work and business They're suggesting we carry out on the telephone. for the nurse there in the ad, Now, look, that may be fine but what about other professions? this week, I know. We went to see a play

alongside each other on stage. and the actors weren't allowed in from home. They had to phone their performances dear friend. Once more! Once more unto the breach,

with our English dead. Or close the wall up of the Government advertisement One of the other features have you seen this? is thermal imaging, They carry it out in airports now. when they get off the plane. Everyone gets scanned this stuff. The technology is quite amazing, But thermal imaging doesn't only show caught from Mexican pigs, if you're suffering from a disease if you are suffering from a bashing it can also pick up by the NSW pigs. LAUGHTER Much more deadly, too, I believe. Oh yeah. there was at least one bright note But amid all the fear and illness, Mexican swine flu saga. in this whole Mexican swine started it. We finally found out which CHEERING AND APPLAUSE And to think he thinks we're racist. Where does he get that from? I know. he's not actually Mexican. It's because

time now for a brand new segment Alright, this season. which we're keen to try out We like to call it: Oh, yes it's true.

Julian Morrow, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that.

CROWD CHANTS They're doing the Julian chant. Don't encourage him. It's not that big a deal. It's just a man on a couch. So what have you got for us, Jules? Craig. Well, I wanted to start off big, the White House itself. So this week, it's straight from that he wants to send President Obama has announced

to Australia. a bunch of Guantanamo Bay prisoners Send all your prisoners here? some kind of dumping ground? What are we, You're not Britain, Obama. actually running out of places OK, the problem is that America's where they're holding without trial. to keep the War on Terror prisoners Guantanamo Bay. So, you know, it's not just the American intelligence agency - You know the CIA - secret prisons they've actually been operating in a number of foreign countries. terror suspects secretly Yeah, this is where they move do dodgy stuff like waterboarding. so they can torture them and to find out about this. And they didn't want anyone It's very hush-hush. these secret prisons down. Obama actually wants to close because they're not secret anymore. To be honest, I think that's just

CIA secret prisons Yeah, now one of the most notorious is hidden in a military base way up in the north of Poland. Now the Government there flatly denies that the prison exists but the Poles haven't exactly nailed the "secret" aspect of the secret prisons. They clearly need a hand covering it up again, Julian. They do indeed. So I went to Poland to help them keep a little lid on their dirty little secret. LAUGHTER

Mind you, I didn't want the CIA to get lost. So I put up some more helpful signs right outside the prison so that the CIA knows where to take the people to torture, although, in a subtle way so Poland can still deny it. Very good. Very subtle. Thank you very much. Now look, once the CIA's inside the secret prison, obviously they've got some pretty serious torture work to do, they need to be left alone, in peace, They don't want people interrupting their important waterboarding. So I gave Poland one last bit of help with their unconvincing cover-up. Good afternoon and welcome to Stare Kiejkuty. Unfortunately, there will be no tour of the CIA secret prison here this afternoon as there is no secret prison on these premises. Never has been. The CIA have definitely, I repeat, definitely never interrogated

or tortured people at this facility. Repeat - no tour. No facility. No torture. To make this very - and this is not a member of the Polish military. This is not happening. I am not here. And I am not speaking to this person. Hello. LAUGHTER

What is this? Polish. Polish? I don't speak Polish. No, sorry. I don't speak Polish, no.

LAUGHTER THEME MUSIC VOICEOVER: Leonardo Da Vinci. Vincent Van Gogh. Pablo Picasso.

Alongside these names now must also belong C.M. Coolidge - one of the great artists of our time, whose paintings of dogs playing parlour games rank among the most celebrated masterpieces of the modern era. Now what a lot of people don't realise about Coolidge,

is that it took him a long, long time to perfect his craft. He experimented with many other animals. He painted frogs playing poker. Toucans playin poker. His series of woolly mammoths playing Gin Rummy was simply laughed at and ridiculed. But when he hit on the idea of dogs, it was an overnight success. As this rare film archive shows, Coolidge was a traditionalist

when it came to using life models as a basis for his paintings. You've just got to learn how to grip that cue. That's good. It sometimes took hours, even days, to get the dogs comfortable with their cigars and bowler hats. No! Don't pee on the table. What did I say about peeing on the table, huh? Well, he was a perfectionist. There's no doubt about that. But what people don't know,

is that he was not the first artist to use dogs in this way. CHURCH CHOIR SINGS If you look at the preparatory studies for the Sistine Chapel, You'll notice that Michaelangelo originally had God touch a dog, smoking a pipe. Similarly, in the last supper, Leonardo Da Vinci had Christ sitting at the table playing a game of dog poker. But it's the images of Coolidge that have stood the test of time. And his iconic contributions to the American art landscape

beyond doubt have truly established him of our time. as one of the great artists No, come on!

APPLAUSE To health and diet news now. what he eats, And I'm a guy who tries to watch recent weight loss announcement so naturally I was drawn to this from the San Diego Zoo.

the zoo's elephants CHAS: Yeah, this is the one about on a this new healthy diet who were so overweight they put them losing hundreds of kilos each. and apparently they've ended up Yeah, and one of the elephants the cover of Woman's Day this week. even bumped Magda Szubanski off Quite an achievement. Now apparently the secret behind this new elephant diet is to eat lots and lots of hay. That's all the elephants were allowed to eat. Three square meals of hay a day. Sounds pretty simple to me and if it works for elephants,

why wouldn't it work for people too? So I hit the fat-fried streets of America

to see if I could convert them to the all-new Dumbo Diet.

The elephants in San Diego Zoo have lost over 2,000 pounds in the last eight years each by eating hay. So we are helping people lose weight as hay sandwiches. by feeding them such treats Yeah. It's OK. LAUGHTER So how would you describe the taste? LAUGHTER How does that taste?

This is hay bolognaise. Try that. AUDIENCE GROANS How's that? It's good. It's pretty good. All natural. following this diet, sir? Could you see yourself Yeah? Yeah. LAUGHTER Ah, yeah, sure. Have one to go. Yeah, yeah. You could try some hay drink. All the best bits of hay. Puts back all the hay that the sweat takes out. Yeah. I kind of need a wider bottle. A few teething problems. The goodness is coming out. There we go. Tastes like water with hay. But does it taste good? No. AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND GROANING What do you think? Why is that, ma'am? LAUGHTER If you want to lose a lot of weight an elephant. you need to eat more like Which is why they invented this. apparatus. This is an advanced feeding and you eat like an elephant. You strap this over your head in the apparatus like so All you do is simply insert it yourself a full body workout and when you suck it up you give you actually consume. while reducing the amount Give it a try, sir. Bit harder.

than this. I think you can suck harder Big breath. Harder. One more time. Really big. Can you feel it in your abs? (COUGHS) Are you feeling the workout? Yeah? Can you see yourself doing this every day, sir? Can you see yourself using the feeding apparatus for the rest of your life? LAUGHTER THEME MUSIC VOICEOVER: In a world without justice, (PLAYS BADLY) WOMAN: He has the muscular dystrophy

He has been in a wheelchair all his life. (CRIES) In a time without reason... you can do to come between us. I love your son and there is nothing to make a movie Why a film director dared Academy Awards. shamelessly design to win Quick! Down to the cellar. The Nazis are coming. about what the Academy likes. Based on true market research I may a gay wheelchair-bound Jew. And simple. And a bit mentally simple, yah? Penn or Daniel Day-Lewis ever again! But I will not be beaten by Sean ALL: Yeah! Harvey Weinstein From Academy Award-seeking producer and starring the late Andrew Hansen, of winning who thought he stood more chance if he died just before the film's release. I can wear this fake prosthetic nose, too, if it helps. Oscar Bait. Coming soon to cinemas everywhere. No. Die! They can take my chair, but they cannot take my Oscar! THEME MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC VOICEOVER: Emergencies can strike when you least expect them. So if you need assistance from police, ambulance or fire brigade, then call the emergency chatline. EROTIC MUSIC Dozens of fun, single ladies FEMALE VOICEOVER: to take your emergency call. are standing by Hello? Help me. I need an ambulance. What are you wearing? I'm trapped under a tree - What? What am I wearing? (MOANS) of beautiful, smart singles Call 000-Chat and our team whatever it is you want. will dispatch Hello? I need the fire brigade. The whole kitchen's on fire. The emergency chat line, call now. I need the fire brigade! No! I don't want a blow job, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Yes, in this recession everyone's obviously trying to tighten their belts. So here's a few little inside tips to help you survive the doom and gloom. Yeah, and the first thing you need to know is that money's not actually that hard to get. There is free money lying around everywhere. Take, for instance, public fountains. They carry hundreds of dollars and if you've got the right equipment it's all yours. CHRIS: Easy pickings. to save money in a recession. Scoring food is another great way most days of the week. Supermarkets offer free food tastings paying for food And why would you ever bother for free like this? when they're just giving it away You can go back as often as you like from earlier. so long as they don't recognise you Can I have one of those, please? My second time? No, I'm very new. (SPEAKING WITH INDIAN ACCENT) Thank you very much. some pretty elaborate disguises Although after a while you do need to make this work. LAUGHTER (NEIGHS) LAUGHTER Can I have some cheese, please? LAUGHTER (NEIGHS) CHEERING AND APPLAUSE But if you want some serious cash

you just can't go past a Greek wedding. You just get your mate to distract the bride for a second and as soon as she's got her back turned

it's the biggest payday you'll ever have. And if you're still feeling a bit short after that, our final rock solid tip is to head on down to a restaurant strip and pretend to be a waiter for their bill. when people are trying to pay Hello, love. You can't wait to get it, can you? Hi.

It's $53.40 plus the tip. (LAUGHS) Who says we're giving you a tip? Thank you. Thank you. Thanks. LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Too easy. Too easy. Well, I've gotta say, guys, is hurting everyone. this global recession It's not just the little people. is feeling the pinch. Even Her Majesty the Queen The Queen is literally crying poor. Did you see this? Government for a pay rise, She recently asked the British isn't enough money arguing that her current allowance to run the palace. to do all that waving, Chris. Well, it costs a lot of money It does, it does. if the English want a monarchy, But, really, don't they? they've got to pay for it, Those were my thoughts exactly. Yeah, exactly. They should introduce a new tax for the upkeep of the Royal family. that specifically pays would the average Brit be But just how keen about paying the Queen's way?

give to the Queen each year? How much should each British citizen A: ?10,000.

B: ?20,000. food and jewellery? or C: ?20,000 plus clothes, ?20,000? I'd say ?20,000. I am a royalist, myself. ?20,000 each. They do a good job. Oh, that's good. my real answer is nothing. To be honest, to perform any extra duties Would you expect the Queen in return for this new tax? message at the end of each month." "Yes, we'd like to see a Christmas on Royal It's a Knockout." "Yes, we'd like to see her compete to keep doing nothing." Or "No, happy for her Just happy for her to do nothing? C.

Yeah. A Christmas message each month? at the end of each month? Why would you have one Well, just to get more. Christmas messages. People seem to love those Yeah. If we had more of them. Yeah, OK. Yeah, that's - So more Christmas messages? LAUGHTER cost-cutting measures Which, if any, of the following do you think the palace should be forced to adopt? A: Getting rid of the corgis. B: Getting rid of Balmoral. Or C: Getting rid of Prince Philip? LAUGHTER

Prince Philip.

Getting rid of Prince Philip. Get rid of Prince Philip. Get rid of Prince Philip, yeah? You think that'd save a lot of money? No, the corgis. The corgis? Yeah, she spends a lot of money on the corgis. She spends more on - She does. It's been in the newspapers. Yeah, OK. So, get rid of the corgis? Good. No, no. Don't get rid of them, but don't spend a lot of money on them. Would you still be happy to pay the full Queen tax when Camilla Parker Bowles becomes Queen? "No, not the full amount." "No, not a single penny."

Or "Yes..." Not a single penny. "..but only if she agrees to spend it all on plastic surgery." LAUGHTER What a question. Um, not to give her nothing but get some plastic surgery. Well in fact she wouldn't be Queen. No, she'd be - She'd be Consort. She'd be Consort? Because it's only if the person - Got me on technicality there, didn't you? Rather than rely on taxpayers completely, should the Queen try to fix her own cash problems by converting Buckingham Palace into any of the following? A: An upmarket hotel B: A boutique B & B or C: A massive share-house? LAUGHTER A massive share-house. If the Palace did become a share-house and the Queen started advertising for flatmates are there any types of tenants that shouldn't be allowed? Students, immigrants, Aussie backpackers.

Immigrants.

Immigrants. Immigrants? Druggies. Druggies? LAUGHTER What about students, immigrants or Aussie backpackers? Immigrants. Yeah, I think immigrants. LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE Love the immigrants, don't they? Very, very fond of immigrants. Very open society. I do like the idea, though, about leasing rooms at Buckingham Palace, 'cause she does have a lot of space there. It's a tight rental market.

I would've thought they'd have no shortage of takers. Well, that's exactly what I discovered

when I tried to put those spare bedrooms on the market. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN PLAYS LAUGHTER 775 rooms available, everyone. Share with quiet, elderly couple. LAUGHTER Accept French. Prefer Germans, though. Would you like to get a room here, sir? You probably have to put up with a few taunts from Prince Philip, but other than that it will be fine. How much is it? Look, they'll take whatever they can get at the moment. They're a bit...a bit hard up. You don't ever dress up in a Nazi uniform, do you? Sometimes. Sometimes? Yeah, that's exactly, they had trouble with the last tenant. Sorry, mate. You interested, madam? You wanna take one of the - No, I just work here and I'm not sure that you're allowed to do that right outside.

Oh, really? I'm not sure. We'll have to check. You wanna get the owners down here and we'll have to chat to them? 775 rooms. Some of them are taken, obviously. The old couple take a couple. They don't sleep together anymore, so that's two rooms gone, but other than that... Why is that? I thought the Queen was living in there. Yeah, the Queen is living there. She's part of the elderly couple. There you go. Excuse me? Can you give us a hand? I've just got to show this guy the room. I just gotta show him the room. He really wants to see it. I'm not getting a lot of bites.

Can I show him the room? Would you like to come speak to me?

Yeah, I am. I am. Just like to get in.

Are you gonna take us to the back exit? Come here, mate. He's gonna show us the room. We just want to keep it within the dignity of the palace. Yeah, we did quite a nice sign, I think. We tried to make it...talk it up a bit.

I think it's quite within the dignity of the palace. So what are you actually getting to today? Sorry? What is the point of you being here today? Well, we were hoping to show this guy around. He's quite interested. You still interested, mate? Why not? As you can see, it comes with security here which is a bit of a bonus as well. But, uh, yeah. If we can have a look, that'd be good. LAUGHTER Do you want the room? LAUGHTER Hmm? What's your name? Craig Reucassel. Want to follow me? Yep. What I want you to do is take that sign down immediately. OK, so the room's taken? LAUGHTER If you want me to say yes for your TV program, you got it. Yes, the room's taken, OK? I hope it comes out nice in the production. I hope your editor's lovely and you get all the laughs you desire. Thanks very much, Sir. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hi, I'm Chris Taylor. And while you might think on the Chaser are brave some of the things we might do the bravery of young Tabitha here. that's nothing compared to With less than six months to live, she dies is to visit Disneyland. Tabitha said her one wish before but we did get her this pencil case. We said that was out of the question LAUGHTER Wish Foundation, And here at the Make a Realistic

that's what we're about. their extravagance and selfishness Helping thousands of kids lower in the face of death.

I want to meet Zac Efron. Zac Efron, do you? What's that? You want to meet you have this nice stick instead? Well, I'll tell you what, how about LAUGHTER The Make a Realistic Wish Foundation. Why go to any trouble when they're only going to die anyway? AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS APPLAUSE # Here's a story # Of a lovely lady # Who was bringing up three kooky-looking girls # All of them had hair of gold like their mother # Suspiciously like her # Here's a story of a man named Fritzl

of his own # Who was busy with three boys

# They were downstairs always crying # Please leave us alone was her brother # Till she realised his grandson three eyes and a hunch # And the daughters all had of her mother # And each daughter was the sister # That's the way they became

# Inbredy Bunch... # about an appalling item Dear ABC, I wish to complain to the Fritzls. comparing the Brady Bunch I am disgusted. looked like it was made in 1976 The mother's dress finished in 1974. yet the original Brady Bunch What a waste of tax-payers' money. Philip Arley, Adelaide. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it for another week. And remember, you can always watch the show online by going to: And while you're there, you can check out this week's web poll - Yes, this week's question is: And just before we go, a reminder that tomorrow marks the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre which China will be commemorating by holding a ticker-tank parade. So, we look forward to that. Thanks very much. Goodnight.

Till next week, goodnight. Closed Captions by CSI This Program is Captioned

Live.

Good evening. Australia has

avoided sliding into recession.

The economy grew by 0.4% in the March quarter. The Government

says it's a sign that the

stimulus plan is working but it

warn s there are still tough

times ahead. Victoria has

raiseded its swine flu alert

and the Federal Health Minister

says it's inevitable that other

State also do the same. There

are now more than 600 confirmed

cases, most of them in

Victoria. Health authorities

there have stopped trying to

contain the virus and will now

concentrate on protecting the

most vulnerable. Investigators

say they may never find the

black tboxs Air France jet that

went down over the Atlantaache

Ocean. Navy ships are searching

tlau 5km stretch of debris but

they haven't haven't found the

body of the plane. It could be

resting on the ocean floor up

to 3km below sea level. 228

people were on board. The

sister of the late Commonwealth

Gailes champion Kerryn McCann

says she's determined to win

the Melbourne marathon in her sister's honour. Jenny Gillard

joined her sports stars at the

MCG today to launch this year's

marathon. Kerryn McCann died from breast cancer latest last

year. To the weather More news

on 'Lateline' at 10:30. (Laughs) (Sighs) Hm. win 'Best Onscreen Partnership' Right. If that end of that doesn't at the British Soap Awards, I will literally eat a dog. OK, you. (Laughs) Time for our lunch, I think. Mm-hm. Oh. (Sighs) THEME MUSIC (Laughs) from the fire? Is that the caravan sign Yeah. I asked if I could have it in the office. (Laughs) Do you want it? Really! Yeah. I could add it to my souvenir collection. You got a collection? It's not a collection, really. Yet. But I have got something else from the set.

One of those salt grinder things from the diner.

But they haven't missed it. Oh. Well, that can be the second part of your collection. Thanks, Tom. I'll pick it up at home time. That's brilliant. You're a sweetheart. Freaky. (Sighs) I'm a sweetheart. He's taking the piss. Two hours for lunch. Does he get his work done? Well, that's fine then, isn't it? Yeah but... an extended lunch. He didn't ask me. No. I didn't authorise Where's my authority, Mel? Have you got a sheriff's hat? Where's my sheriff's hat? No, precisely. And that's my point. Really lovely girl - Kelly. Very fresh and natural. I'm off for a fag. Ripe. You asked for some Bollywood zombie movies. For research. Oh, yes. Thanks, Sam. That's great. Oh, I'm also writing a breakfast scene so a bacon sandwich would be brilliant. And a latte. It's for research. Mm-hm. Kiss my ass. I'd actually rather have the bacon sandwich. I've been rereading the Bible. Oh, no, Jonathan, don't. Don't tell me you've got religion. This is my bible. The guy's a genius. The guru of TV production. for his seminars in LA. There's a two year waiting list What's he produced? Never heard of him. you know. Well, nothing you've ever heard of, and theory of production. His skill is in the philosophy He's above all that. Not in actually doing it, you know. Oh, I see.

a producer has to be like a sheriff. Kyle says People need to revere the sheriff. a fear of doing wrong. Have a sense of pressure, for the sheriff, (Reads) "Without respect and lawless Western town. "a production turns into a violent

Tom. So, you're back from lunch then, Should have stayed out another hour, its only 3:00. I'm on top of everything, Jonathan.

Finished the second draft this morning. Sourcing Grace's reaction to the fire. It's sweet, mate. Pfah. Pfah? Yeah, I know. Couldn't think what to say.

Look, 'Deputy Dog', I should really be getting back to set. Mm. So... I want you to see this. ABI: ...gone completely native. Look. That. DANIEL: Ah... The box, you know. What? even says it's the salad delivery. First, it's full of veg. Jackie Then wallop. It's suddenly full of what?

Bread! Bread. Exactly. It's a Polnarren miracle. did turn into loaves. And lo the spring onions It's a glaring error. Glaring. Squinting, maybe but... It's not exactly glaring. Glaring errors, Mel.

treating this like a job. Long lunches. People have started It's not. It's a vocation. Like nursing or, you know, giving soup to tramps. It's all got too smooth around here, lately.

No-one's under any pressure, you know. There's no fear.

You're getting one of your obsessions, Jonny. Please don't get one of your obsessions. Jonathan! Mm. (Coughs violently) Jesus, Carl, are you OK? It's just a bit of phlegm. (Sniffs) Yeah, I'm fine. That's river phlegm. That's not a bit of phlegm. You could hold a boat race on that. I need to give up.

No. You NEED to give up. What I just said. in smoker's language. No. You said "I need to give up" "I can see I should give up Which translates to you gullible twat. "but obviously I'm not going to, I will, soon. But you really do have to stop. Mm. Junkie talk. Night. See you later. Oh, so you're off, then? minutes late instead of six hours. Yeah. For once, we're leaving 20 Going for a nice meal. Then maybe see a film. Or just stay in the restaurant eating cheese. The chuckle brothers have already left, I see. Everything's in order here, Jonathan. Don't worry. All the initial madness has settled down. It's at five. We're solid now. It's a brilliant episode, Jonathan. And that cliffhanger at the end, it's going to be stunning. I can't wait to see it go out. Great. Oh, I've been meaning to ask. My nephew's staying for a bit. so any runner's jobs going? He'd love to work in TV, Yeah. Oh, he'd like to work here? Well, I'd like you to work here. I'd like you all to work here. you'd all rather skive off early But it seems littered with errors while the show becomes and go and eat cheese instead. ..Everyone is ignoring my hat. Sorry... So, no. Sorry? another member of your family I can't afford to employ to do the same slack job. Pfah. Pfah! Yep. Sorry. Could we start again? How is he, doctor? I'm afraid there's no change... OK, Mel? We go in together and tell 'em. No, it's not OK. It is no-K. I mean, suppose Hugo finds out. It's cool. I know what I'm doing. We go in together, you know. Like Butch and Sundance, yeah.

Jonathan! ..clearance rate is starting to... Is causing us... Sorry. Is causing us some concern. We need to... What do we need to do? Run some more tests. Yes. Bugger. Maybe I should go away and learn this again. Right. I'll see you. Thanks. OK. He's rubbish. He's 'Dr Shit'. Strike off Dr Shit. What? Cut his lines. Tell everyone to meet me in my office. 20 minutes.

(Laughs) Tom. Sorry. Have we nailed the Grace story yet?

Is she going to 'fess up to her dad about the fire? Well, I'd like her to but if she does, it's a bloody big 'fess. I mean, she might have killed Ian. We're killing Ian? No-one told me we were killing Ian. We're not necessarily killing Ian. He's just on death row. He might get his sentence commuted to life as an ineffectual, coughing loser. Talking of which, good morning, Carl. Morning. Just in time. 'Shitler' has called an unscheduled meeting.

What, we all going to have a group hug or something? You wish. How you doing then, Captain Emphysema? I'm wearing a patch. Ooh. Like a pirate. No. Hey, fantastic. Oi. You got tickets for 'The Killers' tonight? Yep. Want to sell them? 100 quid. Nope. Who you going with? What's it got to do with you? Gillian, maybe. Or I might even ask, um... No. Don't say Kelly. Now, don't. Listen. You haven't got a chance there, sunshine.