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The Thick Of It -

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(generated from captions) Dad... get married. Chris and I are going to With your permission, sir. Yes, of course. set up home here, sir. And we're going to

Well, who would like English cooked breakfast? a good old-fashioned A Beresford special, yes! A Beresford special? only thing he knows how to cook. It must run in the family. It's the in the kitchen, cousin. Then I look forward to your help Thank you, Miss Marple. Tuppence. You did most of this yourself, Remember that. ROSE AND CHRIS: Thank you Congratulations. I thought I'd lost you, Tuppence. I thought I'd lost you, Tommy.

A long time ago. straight back to London. After breakfast, let's just go Yes.

And I'll drive.

Closed Captions by CSI * This program is not subtitled very strong language. This programme contains Hugh Abbott. Problems? they're here. Terri, explain that I'm the reason That's all right. So sorry about that.

on the same day. It's ironic - were both back Thank you. Welcome back to you too. for being away were rather more... Although your reasons No... important than my frivolous holiday. You can't go wrong with Italy. It was fantastic though. actually, and sad about it. Really upset, Cos my father had died. That your father had died... Yup. Anyway, shall we...? ..get a bit of a wiggle on, yes. governing mall. So, this is like a sort of There's actually a few problems. then the intelligent ventilation... The e-mail system isn't working and tunnel in the asylum directorate. At the moment we've got a wind those out as diary stories. Oh, no. Don't let any of This is us. light and airy for my liking. Right. Bit too Do we have to have those? Oh, and these are awful. furniture. Do you think they match? They look like Alicia's Barbie and I'd rather it was the sofas. One of them'll have to go Not with that dress. Yes, this is actually you. Oh, OK. Is this us? David Dickinson? Ooh, nice tan! Excuse me, isn't that cos the sun did most of the work. I can't take all the credit, Not much privacy, is there?

We'll be moving upstairs in a week. up in there. Yeah, that's true. It's gonna be bloody hard to shoot Hugh, we're not gonna be here long. the Education Select Committee - the date for your appearance before Hugh, Robyn's just given me it's tomorrow. Yes, welcome home, Hugh. Oh, great(!) Oh, that is great. for my first week back? something a bit more cushy Couldn't you have given me to Dublin or something? A couple of lunches or a fact finder can't change select committee dates. That's the date they gave me. You to go to the bloody Test Match? So how did Liam get his changed having chicken shit sprayed over me. It's like sitting on a tea crate schools for kids with special needs? I mean, why do we want to close down do not want to do, It's the one thing that I really intimately involved in doing it. and yet, bizarrely, I'm the person problem, please. That'd be great. e-mail Robyn, go and see IT about the all the dull stuff, is that right? So now Terri's back, I just get Pretty much, yes. Oh, right, well, of course. with your... Glenn, the Special Needs Bill, I can't do this. particular interest, is an illusion, it doesn't work. You know my views - inclusion Look...you're only following orders. to a concentration camp guard? feel bad except by comparing me Oh, thanks. So you won't make me that's Ballentine, isn't it? Tomorrow, Select Committee, Bollock-Vision? What? Who wants to go and watch the way up to 11 in the lobby. Mr Malcolm Tucker turning it all like you blabbing their mouth off. The biggest problem we've got is guys must fucking love this place - Poor Keith. Malcolm four ministers in one building. a one-stop bollock shop. It's his dream - some of that in about an hour. We're gonna be getting rumble towards you what's worse - watching him slowly You understand me? I don't know like a severe stroke. appearing suddenly out of nowhere like prostate cancer or him

outline what it entails? did the PM actually So, this new word "citizenship" - and I think we were very lucky up as he went along I think he was making the reshuffle word that sprang to mind. that citizenship was the first Social Affairs and Woodland Folk. We could be the Department for that there's been a bit of a rush. Problem is though, Hugh, all the stuff they didn't want. every department trying to unload With you not in place,

"Bring out your shit!" down Whitehall shouting, It's been like someone driving So what are we getting? and it's ended up at our door. cutting pensions to the Gurkhas, Citizenship basically involves about long-term care for the elderly outbreaks, some crap from Health rejigging the protocols for rabies have any real idea about... that neither they nor we with the Isle of Man. And everything to do five new ways to lose my job. Just what I fucking need - Where did that come from? Malcolm sent that. it? Office warming present. It's far too big, why did he send I don't know. Why did he send us a present? What for, tiny little terrorists? Has security checked this? Yes. It's a plant. Yes?! to do is knock together some nice, So, citizenshit - what we need hand-in-the-bra policies. touchy-feely, fondly, sneaky, that sort of thing? New bicycles for special constables, graffiti. That's just very mean. Making special needs kids clean up that genuinely is very mean. making them spell graffiti, Well, yes. Not as mean as with your clothes on, Ollie. You just took a shit went to a special needs school. Oh. Why? What...? Glenn's boy, Peter, he Yeah. Glenn's had sex? It's just a joke... God, you're such a prick, Ollie. on your fucking Blackberry. Nick Robinson's mobile number There's more to life than having with special needs once, so... feel for the guy. I had a girlfriend All right, fine, sorry, Hugh. I Luckily, I was able to fulfil them. God, you're such a... Haircut? Chemo. (Knob.) You were magnificent, darling. Did you enjoy the show? Should I phone Keith so that his team can watch you bollock me now? No, this is my bollocking face. Ooh, crikey, yes. Thanks for the pot plant, by the way. Christ, she's a great PA, isn't she, Sam? She always remembers the little people. Look at the size of that - you could fucking crucify somebody on that. So, what do you think of the new building, eh? I can't wait to move upstairs because I don't really like the glass walls on this floor. I just feel a bit exposed. Like a whore in a Reeperbahn window. Glenn, it's Ollie, he wants you to go through and clarify the citizenship brief.

How much, love? Sorry? OK, I'm on it. Catch you later. I like the tan, by the way. Thank you. Have you declared it? Staying at the villa of an influential friend? I haven't got any influential friends, Malcolm. You are my only influential friend. And I'm not really your friend. You're not really my friend. So, this Super Schools Bill...

You don't think it's so super, do you? You're doing it now. What? That's your bollocking face. but no-one's trying to fuck over special needs kids. Wh...Really? Before I went away, I consulted an expert, Mark Ryan, and he... The LSE education guy? What did that sandal-wearing nonce have to say? He said that closing down special needs schools and putting needy kids into mainstream education is a lousy idea. But I've got an expert who will deny that. And SEN parents want the special schools kept open. Yeah, well, my expert would totally oppose that. Who is your expert? I've no idea, but I can get one by this afternoon. You have spoken to the wrong expert, you've gotta ask the right expert. And you've gotta know what an expert's gonna advise you before he advises you.

Hugh, whether you like this or not, you are gonna have to promote this bill, so what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna get you another expert, yeah? OK. Surely, Mr Smedley, inclusion has been shown to fail the most vulnerable SEN children? Inclusion is an illusion. Mark Ryan from the LSE was saying that when the special schools do get it right, You spoke to Mark Ryan? Yeah, I was taking expert advice, so... Expert advice from Mark Ryan? Yeah. You have a problem with Mark Ryan? Is it? NEW MAIL ARRIVES Sorry. It's just that I'm expecting something quite important. No, no, this is my Hotmail. Sorry, can you excuse me just...? Indeed. So let's not let the Mark Ryans of this world create an ability apartheid for children.

OLLIE: Good spot for a suicide, this. Good, long drop, appreciative audience. What if you just broke your back? about the thing that was depressing you in the first place. What are these hangy-down things? They're acoustic baffles, they stop it getting too echoey. So when you break your back, nobody can hear you screaming? That is the kind of attention to detail that you get in a PFI building. MALCOLM: Hey! Get back to work, all of you! try and swing this Special Needs Bill around. If it drags on, can you phone home and tell Kate? Yes, Massa, I's a good slave. Can I just say...? Something absolutely, cataclysmically bad has happened. Whoa, slow down, what's going on? This child, she is called Glenn after Glenn Close and her surname is Cullen. She's Glenn Cullen. And this morning, apparently, in her in...

she got a note and it used these words, "Christ" and "cunt" and apparently, I sent it. No! Anybody could use that computer. Hugh, Glenn says could you head over? Yes, I must go. Ollie was using it earlier. You were using my computer. Did you send an e-mail this morning about me, calling me a cunt? No, no, I never use that word. No, absolutely, I won't use it until it's been fully normalised and has no further association with the female twat. I've got to go to Number 10, but I absolutely give you my word. Good. No, I didn't get any e-mail about Roy Smedley. Was it funny? Kind of. It was a bit sweary. Look, at least he served his purpose - we've now got some very useful material to trot out in case my bloody Ballentine wants to know why you've done a big U-turn and are now in favour of inclusion. if I'm gonna let you down. stand on this one, I'm buggered I haven't! I'm taking a fucking this bill is a load of old bollocks. I'm gonna tell the PM straight up, great if I did, wouldn't it? No, you're not. No, but it'd be

chipped away. Don't worry about it. Another little bit of my soul I never once heard her swear. No, no, she's very religious... has broken the e-mail thing. Hugh, the Guardian website here of the Standard. The final edition I am suddenly a major news story. Sweary Woman Of Whitehall. really punning on anything, is it? It's a pun, isn't it? It's not Look, get this fucking sorted out. I'm a shape shifter. breakdown or something, are you? You're not having a nervous Hugh, I don't want to be the story. you being arrested by a cunt-stable. The Sun are running a cartoon with turd-tonsils, we don't want any... Don't be such a bastard. Whoa there, Terri, come here. enough of your puerile influence. and act your age, we've had Just fucking pull yourself together Just... Just tell me, truthfully - did you send that e-mail? No, I didn't.

What? I'm sorry? Implying. Are you...are you inferring that...? You're implying that... it was me who...? (I saw you, Hugh, I saw you do it.) you know, to amuse him when that It was for Glenn, for our Glenn, just typed in the wrong address. prick man was in his office and I It was a genuine mistake. I was bluffing. I didn't really see you, Select Committee performance. That doesn't bode well for your I knew you were bluffing. not because you caught me out. because it's the right thing to do, I admitted it

So, how do you like them apples? cos you lied about seeing me do it. And I caught you out, publicly? Are you going to admit to this What?! No, are you mad? That mustn't happen. I can't do that. You've got, I need you to, to... thing as actual, empirical truth... Derrida who said there is no such What, to lie? I think it was he said, "Go fuck your face, Abbot!" I'll tell you what Derrida said,

will keep getting you into trouble. You need to mind your language, it the fucking room! Can't even get out of of the committee's interest. Now to the meat SEN schools, haven't you, Minister? You've made quite a U-turn on Why have you sold out? way of putting it. Sold out, that's rather an emotive very much in opposition to inclusion. You are on record as having been

reassessed...the landscape. times have changed and I have No, it's just that but we're not interested in that. will offer skill clusters... Yes, so these Super Schools how it is you've changed your mind, are rather curious about is What the committee to this proposal in the past. given your absolute opposition

on the subject? Did you seek specialist advice Of course I sought expert advice. Yes, and who? Roy Smedley. And? And...he was very good. And his was the only advice you took? You saw only one expert? Yes. And you thought that was enough? who said something different. Just one? I tried to find somebody And did you succeed? No. No-one? I lied to the Select Committee. How was that? Malcolm In The Middle. What? I lied. Is Tucker in the building? the atrium and shout at everyone. Because he can stand in the middle of

from the Exorcist now. I can't take one of his scenes I don't want to see him. Ballentine's not on to anything. "Just one expert, only one?" Oh, no? Why did she keep asking, but not two?" Fucking bitch. "Not two experts? Less than three balance, like a sumo wrestler. She's trying to throw you off in a big fucking nappy. It worked. I was on the floor Oh, shit, that's Malcolm. A man in his fifties hiding. He's gone. Look, Hugh, come out. It's not like it's a major lie. Get it in perspective. like that? Why does he never laugh with me Lack of click? a professional press officer. HUSHED VOICE: I thought I was It just is absolute hell. Hi, how is the...? a state here. I'm actually in a bit of

we need to talk about at the meeting It's just that something cropped up what ever you, you know... and then you can get on with a bit of support? Don't you think I'm due that my committee thing is actually Yes, I do, absolutely, it's just thing. It just is. a bigger deal than your sweary Malcolm, good to see you. Were you hiding just now, Hugh? No. a press conference in 90 minutes. Right, Terri, you're gonna give

there's your statement, learn it. You're gonna apologise, I don't give them, normally. I organise the press conferences, this, I'll go through it for you. OK, seeing as you're not used to a bunch of press people appear, At a press conference, a prepared statement. going to read from what we call then you will walk out and you're

a hairy-arsed docker after 12 pints, fucking sorry for sounding like You will say, "I'm really and fucking move on? Thank you." "Can we just draw a line under this and then we wait and see. Everybody goes home The Sweary Woman Of Whitehall. although you will forever be known as You get to keep your job, would be in the diary. OLLIE: This first Mark Ryan meeting Diaries do get lost, don't they? post that down the memory hole? Do you want to see if we could in our time, haven't we? We've lost a few diaries I don't wanna know about it. Listen, do it subtly, I mean, do it, but don't tell me. Do I know? Yeah. No. I don't know. Do I know? Don't... You sort it out. There isn't a chain. tell me you're sorting it out. Do I know? Sort it out but don't Malcolm. My life is in tatters, I don't think you quite get it, Why should I lie for you? at my daughter's school. nobody will speak to me it's your job to make him look good! Because What kind of a PR person are you? Look, are you...? Hey, hey, hey. and make it worse? Are you going to take a bad story bad but wait till you hear this! Say, "Hi, everyone, I know this looks who called a small child a cunt. for Social Affairs and Citizenship "It was actually the Minister

worse than we thought." "So it really is very much and tell the truth, IF you were to go out there it would be morally repugnant condemning a guy who's doing his because what you'd be doing is fucking best to make things better, to the scrapheap. you'd be condemning him Right... OK?

Yes. Good girl. Will you get Robyn? Robyn, can you help her go over her lines? It was interesting watching you talking about the truth et cetera, cos I had a similar problem today. Really? Yeah, at the committee, I didn't, well, unwittingly I didn't tell the entire truth. You lied? To Claire Ballentine? Yeah. Does she know? I don't think so - she couldn't possibly know.

Oh, well, it doesn't matter then. I lied to the Select Committee - it's like lying to the House. Yeah, but if she doesn't know, then it doesn't matter, Hugh. Claire Ballentine's office want diaries from the last 12 weeks. Shit! She's on to us, why else would she...? Have you got the diaries? Ollie might be doing something with the diaries that I don't officially know about because he hasn't told me. Well, you'd better get him to undo what you don't know he's doing. I can't, I don't know he's doing it. This is really serious, you have lied to a Select Committee. I told you that. That's like lying to the House! Jesus Christ! Malcolm, do you think this is too bright? It's too bright! Can you, please, Robyn, go down to the Sketchley concession and get my grey suit, now. Do I look ten? Do I look like I'm on some bloody...? Please, just do it, get the suit. Can I have the money, please? Don't you get paid? Have you got the diaries? Yes. I don't know. We shredded some preliminary sections. I don't wanna hear. Hugh, take your fingers out your fucking ears. You're gonna go to the Select Committee tomorrow and apologise to them.

Malcolm! What?! Malcolm, you're meant to be dealing with me! The worst that can happen to you is you'll lose your job. I'm gonna lose my reputation. Just grow up, Terri. YOU grow up. I am a fucking grown up, thank you. You could have fooled me. Glenn's son could have fooled you. No offence, Glenn. I'm sorry. Will you two get this paper trail sorted and get your story sorted out. Could you stop swearing, please? I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, you massive, gay SHITE! Fuck off! Right. How are you doing in sorting out whether he lied or not, everything OK? Yeah. That is not fucking funny, you retard.

I'm sorry about that, Glenn, the situation just... Here she comes. 'I'd like to offer my sincere and unreserved apologies 'for the terrible outrage caused by the e-mail I sent.' It was never meant to be read by anybody other than the intended recipient.

'I...understand that the...' Oh, for... What the hell's he...? Twat. Perhaps he doesn't realise he's walking in front of the camera. '..to use language like that in an internal departmental conversation 'or any conversation. "..any conversation." 'I wish I had never sent the e-mail...' What? 'and indeed I find it hard to believe that I did.' Whoa, whoa, whoa - she's gone off script here. Fucking hell, Terri... '..a momentary lapse in restraint '..and I wish to apologise that I have let down' the electorate, the Minister, my colleagues, 'my own family...' Even though half of them are dead. '..and indeed the voters of the future...' "..Our children." '..our children.' Now get off. Yeah, brilliant, Malcolm, well done. Fucking stunning. Well, done. Well, done. OK, we've got to get upstairs, start rehearsing for tomorrow's select committee. Absolutely. I'm never going to get out of this fucking building, am I? D'you remember when I came down to see Peter's concert at his school? His face, the pride he had when he played, his face is etched in my memory.

Yeah? Yeah. Fucking unbearable, that's why I needed Malcolm's expert to try and wipe it from my mind. Hasn't really worked though. Oh, Hugh, mate, don't panic, you'll manage, Just make sure that you don't get sweat on your upper lip, makes you look guilty. What am I supposed to do? I've no idea. But if you sweat it makes your face look like spam.

special advisor as you told us in your previous appearance, but two. Yes, I, I apologise unreservedly for that oversight. I-I forgot. Are you forgetful generally? Well, it's, er, hard to know, um, how forgetful one is because

and all the things that you'd forgotten in order to compare and how could I remember what I've forgotten, cos I've forgotten it. And if I see a movie, I don't sit there going "Oh, who's that one, is that the cop or is that the pirate?" So you just accidentally told a slight untruth. You completely misled. I misled the committee and I, and I've apologised for that. Are you lying to me now about not lying to me before? No, no, I am not a liar. I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth. Even though, unknowingly, I might not have done. In fact, I wanted to come back and apologise to the Committee. Very glad to be of service, but you didn't want to come back to this Committee, did you? I am sure the last thing you wanted to do was to come back given how busy you have been recently. In fact, interestingly enough, we do notice from your diaries that your meeting with Roy Smedley I was in that meeting, so I couldn't possibly have sent it. I wasn't suggesting... it was your chief press officer. Yes, yes, it was, and her father's just died, yep. I'm very sorry to hear that. No-one was suggesting... No, and quite right too, but you know what people are like. Going back to my initial concern, it would now seem that the two meetings that you had with the two special education advisors provided you with two opposing verdicts. Yes. And yet you came up with one, so would it be therefore true to say that the government is intent on pushing this through, regardless of what anyone says? No. We wanted two opinions because we wanted to start a debate. It's a personal thing, but if government isn't personal, then what the hell is it? My senior advisor Glenn Cullen has a son, his name is Peter and he has special educational needs. Glenn obviously wouldn't say anything about it, he's far too professional. But I had the privilege of going down with Glenn to Peter's SEN school and watched Peter playing the trombone in the school orchestra

um...struggled manfully, and Glenn leaned over to me and he said, "inclusion is not an illusion". And, er... I think that tipped the balance for me. It's a personal thing.

I understand that and I know nothing is sacred but I didn't mean for you to do that. Then why were you... were you misleading me? Oh, don't give me that bollocks.

D'you know, I wish I'd kept Peter's trombone because if I had, I would shove it up your arse right now, wide end first. Come on, you're my best pal. OK. So are you...? Am I...? Hello. You all right? Very strong performance, by the way, the apology. You think you can get around me with compliments now? I'm not your favourite chocolate in the box, I just wanted to say I appreciate everything and whatever happens, I will fight for you, irrespective of what you did. What I did? I didn't do it Hugh, d'you remember? You sent the e-mail. I'm sorry, I forgot. Forgot?! No, I just can't get anything right, I'm going to shut my mouth and go away.

Hugh, go to the gents, please, look at the man who's standing in front of you in the mirror and say, "Can I live with him, can I?" Unless the energy system sets fire to my office and puts it out by squirting human shit through the sprinklers. Malcolm's coming this way. Oh, God. Hugh, check it out - Malcolm Tucker is leaving the building. Oh, right, yeah. Oh, I just wanted to say, well done, you slippery fuck. Should be able to weasel out of this smelling like a perfumed trollop. Thank you. No problem. Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday, by the way. What? Fucking joking, you twat. Right. I'm in turbo. Laters. Oi, how you doing? Goodnight. Night.

e-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk

This Program Is Captioned

Live. Good evening. Lisa

Millar with the late news. The supermaxi 'Skandia' and 'Wild

Oats XI' are in a 2-way tussle

for first place in the Sydney

to Hobart yacht race. 'Skandia'

is leading the fleet while the

crew of 'Wild Oats XI' is

working for a fourth

consecutive line honours win.

The cruising yacht club was buzzing early buzzing early this morning.

There was a little tension as

crews made their final checks

just hours before the race

start. It's cold. Hobart

waters will be even colder but

at least the boats should get

there quickly. It will be a

flying start to the race and 24

hours of fast sailing, followed

by pretty light winds off the

east coast of Tasmania. Just

how light they get will

determine whether the record's

broken. Tonight and tomorrow

morning we could hit speeds up

to 30 knots which is very fast.

If that happens it will be fun

but it's up to the

weather. Other major milestones

are a certainty. 86-year-old

John Walker becomes the first

man to skipper the same yacht

in 25 Sydney to Hobarts. An

impeccable record. It's

definitely it. Mind you, I said the

the same thing last year but I

changed my mind. This time no

changing of mind. That's

it. The race throws up all

sorts of challenges. For the

crew of 'Skandia' it's often

been an obstacle course. We

haven't done a race yet where

we haven't hit a sun fish in

this boat. For the first time

in four years, 100 yachts made

for a congested start. Stand by,

by, you right, boy s? The

defending line honours champion

timed it to perfection. It's

lift-off. Will it be a new race

record for 'Wild Oats XI' who's

won the start. It was a clean

start for all the yachts.

Handicap favourite Quantum

Racing got away well but 'Wild

Oats XI' was in a league of its

own. With a sea of spectator

craft in tow, the supermaxi was

again first to the heads. When

the yachts turned south the

spinnakers came up, Tony Cable

on getaway set a new record for

45 race starts and this evening

the leaders are on record pace.

The crews will be hoping the

favourable weather conditions

continue. Israeli leaders are

warning the country's armed

forces are ready to retaliate to stop to stop mortar attacks from

Gaza. Hundreds of rockets have

landed on towns in southern

Israel since a 6-month

ceasefire between Israel and

Hamas ended a week ago. No

Israelis have been killed but

dozens of hopes have been destroyed. Militants have been

killed in air strikes. We will

not allow the Hamas to continue

to shoot at our people. I can

tell you we have the power, we tell you we have the power, we

have enormous power. We can do

things which will be

devastating. Egypt has urged

restraint during crisis talks

with Israel's Foreign Minister.

A Perth mechanic has made

what's thought to be the

country's first successful

asbestos claim against a car

company. Tony Lo Presti will

receive more than $800,000

after Ford dropped an appeal

against the pay-out awarded

earlier this year. It was a

bittersweet Christmas for Tony

Lo Presti's family after the

59-year-old was rushed to

hospital on Christmas Eve.

Ironically t was the same day

Ford dropped its appeal after a

6-year legal battle. It

represents the final chapter of

an incredible struggle for a

working man and his family who

risked everything they had risked everything they had to

take on a company of the might

of Ford Australia. He now

knows that he has won and knows

that but at the end of the day

money can't bring his health

back. Mr Lo Presti contracted

asbestosis while working as a

brake mechanic at Ford

dealerships in the 1970s and

1980s. His lawyers argued he

and thousands of other mechanics

mechanics were exposed to

asbestos dust when they used

compress ed air to clean brakes

and the WA court found Ford was

negligent when it created

asbestosis but Ford believes it

is not responsible. We don't

believe you get the disease

from brake pads. Mr Lo

Presti's lawyer urges other

mechanics to seek compensation

and his family urges them to

come forward. It will help

their family, help their peace

of mindyism know it's helping

my husband to fight until this

a through. He would have given

up a long time ago if he didn't

have this to keep him going.

We don't anticipate this

decision will change anything

significantly. If there was a

large number of people out

there with this claim, we anticipate anticipate they would already

have made them. Ford says it

expects legal costs to be

settled in court. American

singer, dancer and actress

Eartha Kitt has died from colon