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The Chaser's War On Everything -

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(generated from captions) What, you having a laugh? Huh? You wanna watch your mouth! No, man. Come on, now. You don't have to do that, man. Take it easy, just forget it... He attacked me. You could call it self-defence. You know, in all my time in the Army, I never did fire a gun in anger. I never thought it would feel like that. MUSIC PLAYS Hey, pass me the weed, man! Where's the weed? MUSIC OFF All right. I'm here talk now. Everybody need to be focused. Look, I mean I want no mistake, you understand? You understand? Yeah, man, I'm cool. Yeah. Come, we go have a shootout. This yours?

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This program is captioned live.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thank you very much. Hello

and welcome to the War. Ladies and

gentlemen, let's here it for the

Socceroos. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie,

Aussie. Oi, oi, oi oi. Aussie.

Oi. Aussie. Oi. Are you on the band

wagon? Yes, we are. I love this

wagon? Yes, we are. I love this time of year when everyone pretends they

care about soccer. For the Brazil

game on Sunday I wanted to get into

it, I did the full face paint thing

but I turned up and Brazil were

green and gold and we were weiring

blue. It's very confusing. You look

like Braveheart. The thing I love

about the bup World Cup. I love the

overacting. You would. They carry

overacting. You would. They carry on a bit. Can I do my impression of a

soccer player getting injured? You

be the opponent and I just want to

do thsh is exactly how they do it.

Oh, my face! Oh my face! It hurts.

Oh, my face! Oh my face! It hurts. I want my mummy! Thank you.

Actually, while you're up, take a

seat. Pull up a couch. You've been

following one of the other big

following one of the other big store dwroifs week. National security, a

huge story. We've all heard about

how major tour

how major tourism landmarks are on

full alert. Just imagine if they

found out what the Sydney Harbour

looked like? We sent a guy

pretending to be an American tour

wist a camera to film the Sydney

Harbour. Bridge. As you can see,

not a state of heightened alert at

the bridge. He even goes to the

camera here and films it. Still

after 14 minutes not a guard in

sight. But... what happens if

someone dressed slightly

someone dressed slightly differently starts snooping around?

On a minor tweak in appearance and

what do you know - security.

Who are you ? J I'm just taking

Who are you ? J I'm just taking some shots of bridge. I am a bridge

enthusiasts. I want to take some

photos. What are you up to? That

only took three minutes 20. Isn't

only took three minutes 20. Isn't it good to know that people are - the

bridge is safe from people in

pantomime costumes. What about when

you turn up to a nuclear reactor

you turn up to a nuclear reactor the week it's in the news for springing

a leak? As you can see, it didn't

take long for the boys from the

Federal Police to get called in.

G'day mate.: You're not allowed to

film here. Why not? This is a

restricted area. I am not allowed

restricted area. I am not allowed to film? Nowhere at all. That guy was

soon followed by three police cars,

a paddy wag yonce and a carful of

dogs. It's no surprise, it's a

nuclear reactor, nobody would be

able to take foet yoefs a nuclear

reactor. Almost no-one. It's a

different story again for the

American. I don't know what he's

filming there but it looks top

secret. Someone does show up after

about four minutes. I am just a

tourist and I knew there was a

nuclear site down here and I am

nuclear site down here and I am just fascinated. What is the deal with

getting clearance to get in? Is it

getting clearance to get in? Is it a matter of official application?

This guy just gives him treks

directions on how he goes on. So he

goes over to the higher security

area and after 12 minutes and two

different security zones, our

American tourist was finally turned

away officially. You are not

away officially. You are not allowed to take video footage. Sorry, I

didn't realise. So terrorists

shouldn't dress up like crude Arab

terrorists when they want to do

terrorists when they want to do some filming.

G'day I was wondering if I could

G'day I was wondering if I could buy some fruit please. I was feeling

really healthy today and I thought

nothing would do it like fruit

nothing would do it like fruit today - lemons, avocado, Kiwis, apples,

I'll have it because it's good for

my body. You've got nuts for $2.20.

This's nuts. I can't believe the

value of this fruit stall. Come on

in and grab a bargain today before

it goes out the door!

I'd just like to stop now for a bit

of a community service announcement.

Did you see this - ASIO is actually

advertising for new recruitings.

I didn't see that. It's a top

I didn't see that. It's a top secret advertising campaign but apparent

lit's on right now. I don't think

they should be advertising for ASIO

jobs. The Government I think should

deal with spy recruitment the same

way it deals with all other

strategies, put out a fridge magnet.

If you're smart, inquisitive and

willing to tell d Government what

willing to tell d Government what it wants to hear, please apply toise

you. I decided to put in a job

application to ASIO in person.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

I want to apply for a job. Shh.

I want to apply for a job. Shh. I've seen the ad.

Nothing to see here. Do you work

here? You can't say. Just act

normal. Right?

I'd like to apply for a job.

Sorry. (Whispers) I would like to

apply for a job. You will have to

leave the premises or we will call

the police. Can I leave my rez May.

I've had to blank out some of the

de-Tays. Leave the premises now.

Don't blow my cover. Thank you.

When it come healthy lunch I give

When it come healthy lunch I give my kids sugary sugar spread, it's a

sugar sugar explosion of sugary

sugar. Plus it's all natural.

And new from Sugary, try the sugary

taste of sugar pops, they're a

sugary start to the day. Try them

with sugar. Sugary sugar spread and

Sugary sugar spread, giving my kids

the energy they need! Of course

the biggest celebrity wedding of

the biggest celebrity wedding of the year is taking place this weekend.

No, it's not me and Rose Porteous

despite the rumours. I am talking

about our very own Nicole Kidman

about our very own Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. There's been

Keith Urban. There's been incredible secrecy around the ceremony but

tonight we are extremely lucky to

have with us before his big day

performing for us live is the groom

himself, Mr Keith Urban. CHEERING

AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.

Yes. I am as you can see Keith

Urban. It's very kind of you to

Urban. It's very kind of you to have me here. I want to play a little

song I will be playing at the

ceremony for my sweet bride, Nicole.

This one is for you, Nic.

(Sings) # He was a wonderful man to

lose, but I bet you I can fill his

shoes, while you're on the rebound

I'll keep your feet on the ground,

I'll be your new Tom Cruise.

I'd read you books by el Ron

Hubbard, I'll hide a few good men

Hubbard, I'll hide a few good men in the cupboard, I'm going to go for

and jump on the sofa, I'll be your

new Tom Cruise. I will do anything

to keep us hitched. I'll even try

to keep us hitched. I'll even try to overlook Bewitched. I've got to

overlook Bewitched. I've got to hand it to you, I'll be your new Tom

Cruise. We start as roomies

together, Eyes Wide Shut or

together, Eyes Wide Shut or whatever and at the very last stage I'll

and at the very last stage I'll quit for someone half your age, I'll be

your new Tom Cruise, it's a mission

impossible to lose. Yeah, and I'll

be your new Tom Cruise. #

Mr Keating, I wonder if I could ask

you 10 questions. No. No. First can

we expect a Keating edition of

backyart blitz any time soon? Are

there any recessions we need to

again? Have you ever considered there any recessions we need to have

wearing an Armani space suit? Will

your son be taking on Anthony

Mundine soon? What should the RSL

club do about disallowing its club

members to eat lollies. Are you a

folder or a scruncher? Give us a

straight answer, are you a lesbian?

There were only 10 questions.

What a rude ex-PM.

OK. To start off let's check out

current affairs tally board where OK. To start off let's check out the

find out that 'Today Tonight' has current affairs tally board where we

run 36tor stoery about bureaucracy

gone mad to ACA's 35. But they're

falling behind on celebrity puff

pieces but they've maintain add

lead in the greedy councils pieces but they've maintain add slim

category. Well done on that.

And we're talking about parking

officers. I don't know about you, I

can't tell whether 'Today Tonight'

thinks parkies are good or bad

Australia's parking vul tears, see

how they bring you into their zone

and once they take it they hold you

to ransom. See if you can stop the

hyperbole in these grabs. Much of

mainland Australia is getting doped

to the eyeballs. More and more

Aussie mums are racing straight

straith to the operating tribl.

More and more parents are using

their children to shoplift on their

behalf. Australians are literally

becoming allergic to living.

Sorry, it's all the living I've

doing lately. One way to whip up Sorry, it's all the living I've been

your drammy ya is to compare your

life to the worst moments in

history, like this woman. It's like

living in Communist Russia here, I

said it's like living in Idi

Africa. More woman dealing with the said it's like living in Idi Armin's

slaulter of innocence every time

council making a zoning decision. slaulter of innocence every time her

This 'Today Tonight' reporter

noticed how much AGC's method of

getting people to pay their phone

bills was exactly like Nazi Germany.

Another woman tells of Gestapo

tactics of offensive and

calls every second day. Fair go, tactics of offensive and threatening

calls like that are Gestapo tactics.

I was watching a documentary about

this the other day. Achtung, this

the Gestapo, you have to pay your this the other day. Achtung, this is

telephone bill if not I will call

you again the day after tomorrow.

Heil Hitler! See. I see your point.

Another thing is you should never

let basic maths get in the way of a

good overstatement. This is a woman

describing how long it takes young

plums to look after their babies.

So these mums are only getting one

hour off a day, they're working 23

hours a day. That's a lot of hours.

When the baby was nine months old,

they were actually working more.

Working more than 24 hours a day,

that that's like Idi Armin's Africa.

Australia's biggest free loaders. that that's like Idi Armin' Meet

He's Australia's worst love rat.

Australia's most troubled housing

estate. Australia's worst land lord.

Australia's worst land lord.

Australia's most dangerous drink

driver. Bob Arthur could very well

be Australia's most burgled man.

Maybe so, but sometimes being the

worst thing in Australia is not bad

enough. Like this guy here - he

wasn't very happy about his street.

I think this is the worst street in

Australia. But the reporter thought

he wasn't extreme enough so he

someone who thought it was even he wasn't extreme enough so he found

worse. Thisis the most unlivable

worse street in the world. It's

funny that. We actually looked up

the street in the ginnis book of

records and amazingly wasn't there

so we thought that had to be

rectified at once. I've just been

watching'A Current Affair' and

apparently Francis Street yaroville

is the most unlivable street in the

world and it's not in your book at

the moment. It's hard for us to

define it. This guy said it's like

having a 747 going through your

lounge room. . Do you think there

might be a record there It might

be. ? It might be. You don't

Current Affair'? We'll have a look be. ? It might be. You don't trust'A

into it. Does your provide a

of retirement product and into it. Does your provide a variety

comprehensive well creating mutual

option or are your fully franked

global equities burdening you? The

prove denshall mutual our delivery

of financial gibberish is second to

known, confusing you into a sense

security. With our targeted ak known, confusing you into a sense of

levels, you can trust us to never security. With our targeted ak witty

speak a single bloody word of plain

English. Prove denshall mutual, we

make money, not sense.

And in other news this week,

Australia has been swept up with

World Cup fever and can I just say

well done to SBS for commemoraty

Johnny Warren with an I told you so

sign in the back of his box. I know

people say Jessica rou should never

have got the job, they are using it

now too. Elsewhere this week tath

has called for a new pa ternlism in

Aboriginal fairs. He is not an

expert on pa ternism when it comes

to affairs. No. Moving on, the

profit driven child care company AB

$292 million in revenue last year

and only $128 million of that came

from government subsidies. If ABC

Learning looked after their kids as

well as the Government looks after

them, they would be luxury. I think

kids in full-time care need to be

taught proper values. A great

proposal for you is the new alphabet, especially designed for

company. B is for business. You've

made it there, A is for Anthony. Do

you like that? G for Government

subsidy. That's very important.

Where are the children? K for kids

somewhere. They're just on top of

profit. L is for loss. We've

crossed that out, that's bad.

I think you've got the wrong slant.

This is what the business is all

about, you don't want them going A

for apple, B for ball. You want B

for business and C for casuals. W

for wages. You are building P for

profits. I think you had better

stick to jour job. I look forward

watching the Chaser. Is that an N stick to jour job. I look forward to

for no? Ivan mill at has had his

good behaviour privileges withdrawn.

NSW Premier withdrew the privileges

out of respect for the twoirves

Daily Telegraph. No more jafls for

Ivan. That will teach him. I agree,

you have to remember what this

crime was. There are seven victims you have to remember what this guy's

of Ivan mill at who today can't

enjoy a toasted cheese sandwich.

True. Very true. Also this week,

the medical world was left

speechless when a young girl given

up for dead emerged from her coma

after hearing a James Blunt song on

the radio. Let's not get too rash

about this. If we have a look at

medical data on this, he may have about this. If we have a look at the

got one girl out of a coma but he's

already put about 5,000 people into

a coma. To sport and there was an

Australian fairy tail at royal

this week when this horse was about Australian fairy tail at royal Ascot

to be put down and won the race.

The cabbie took the horse the

longest way around so it got very

fit. He has a real way the

injury-prone nation and next up he

will be training Janna Pittman.

Final tli Government's dealing with

the problem of leaks at luke yaus

Heights. They've said in future

leaks about nuclear accidents will

not get out to the media. It's only

four leaks in a week and I went

there to ensure people that there

was nothing to worry about.

Well, the Queen's birthday honours

have been handed out for another

year and I can believer I missed

year and I can believer I missed out again. Talk of being snubbed.

It's been what? 29 years in a row.

It's been what? 29 years in a row. I am spewing. Even Bert Newton got

am spewing. Even Bert Newton got one this year. If they're handing out

honours for low rating TV shows we

should all have got one. I was

going to get my knighthood by hook

or by crook. So I marched myself

down to Parliament House to show

them who was the real knight.

Are you telling me I can't get up,

I'm tried trying. This is useless,

mate, don't worry.

What if a nave tries to hurt me?

Come on! Hang on, I forgot my

change. ALARM SOUNDS I forgot my

phone! There you go. Thanks. This

phone! There you go. Thanks. This is broken. This is definitely broken.

I've given you everything, honestly.

Sorry, it's my belt! ALARM SOUNDS

This is busted. It's all going off,

look at you. You guys, all your

equipment is completely faulty.

It's all full of metal. I don't

It's all full of metal. I don't know what you're talking about. I reckon

you guys should get your equipment

fixed. Honestly. I do not know why

fixed. Honestly. I do not know why I bothered showing up. First they

bothered showing up. First they make my lance and then they wouldn't let

me in. Talk about your anti-knight

big tri. Talk about that being

uncomfortable. It was a good thing

there was a pool nearby so I could

take a dip I was so bloody hot.

There! Much better. That's just

about it for tonight. Have

yourselves a great weekend. Are you

right getting home tonight? I'm not

getting a cab. Not after what

happened last time.

Thanks a lot, it's very tough

getting around in these things.

Do you need a hand? I might.

Give me your sword. It's a lance.

Sorry. That's alright. It's a bit

awkward, isn't it? Hang on, almost

there. Hang on, I've got one foot.

Just grab my hand. HORN SOUNDS

Almost there. Almost there. Can you

just hold me and I will try to move

my leg.

Take it easy. I don't think so.

Stay where you are and I will move

move the seat. Thank you, that will

really help me.

I think I might need a maxi cab.

Tonight - a delicate balance - Australia launches high-level damage control over the shooting death of a security guard in Baghdad. And the Iraqi Trade Minister told our ambassador that he greatly appreciated the letter which Mark Vaile had sent to him and that he did not want this incident to interfere with the bilateral or to affect our trade relationship. So let's take a breath. It's a sad incident, but let's not overreact. This program is captioned live. Good evening. Welcome to Lateline. I'm Maxine McKew. Tonight, in our Friday Forum the view of the minor parties - the Democrats and Greens are crying foul over an emasculated Senate. We're effectively having the Parliament sidelined and the decisions being made in the Prime Minister's office and hurried through those three democratic institutions to the ultimate conclusion, because they've got the numbers. The Senate overall has always been proportional, that is, there is a sharing of responsibility

and power, if you like, in the Senate, according to the numbers. But the Government has really overridden that principle and simply taken control. Our interview with Bob Brown and Lyn Allison coming up shortly. But first to the headlines. Some doubts emerging about John Howard's planned trip to Indonesia - we'll cross to Jakarta correspondent Geoff Thompson in a moment, Presidential decree - Xanana Gusmao indicates he's staying, but the position of East Timor's Prime Minister looks increasingly tenuous. And go directly to jail - businessman Brad Cooper sentenced to eight years over his role in the collapse of HIH. The Iraqi government appears to have stepped away from threats to cut trade ties with Australia as payback for the accidental shooting of a car-load of bodyguards in Baghdad. Australian diplomats have told Canberra Iraq's Trade Minister does not want the shooting to disrupt trading relations. John Howard has expressed his regret at the killing of one of the bodyguards, but says he won't offer an apology until the facts are known. From Canberra, Greg Jennett reports. In Baghdad, the mourning has begun for the bodyguard mistakenly shot by Australian troops. The man had been among the security team for Iraq's Trade Minister, travelling in a four-wheel drive when Australian soldiers in light armoured vehicles opened fire on Wednesday. Five others were injured. The car has now been impounded - a crucial piece of evidence in the investigation into what went wrong. My operating assumption, until I have been told otherwise, is that Australian soldiers always do the right thing. Now, that doesn't mean to say I don't sincerely regret the death of that man and the injury to the others. In the immediate hours after the incident, Iraq's reaction had been fierce. Threatening to sever trade ties with Australia, the minister, Abdul Falah al-Sudany, had told the 'Sydney Morning Herald': There were some strong comments expressed in the media straight after the incident and, given the loss of life and the injuries, that's understandable. One day on, Iraq's anger remains but talk of retaliation has disappeared. TRANSLATION: The Trade Ministry condemned this irresponsible conduct by the Australian troops. Australian diplomats had sprung into action to contain the damage. Mark Vaile wrote to the Iraqi Trade Minister, Australia's Baghdad ambassador followed it up with a visit.

And had quite a positive discussion about how we manage the situation from here. And the Iraqi Trade Minister told our ambassador that he greatly appreciated the letter which Mark Vaile had sent to him and that he did not want this incident to interfere with the bilateral or to affect our trade relationship. The Government has promised to update Iraq on the findings of the Defence Force investigation, and it's not ruling out paying compensation. But the PM flatly refuses to answer Iraq's call for an apology until the investigation is finished. It's not appropriate to be flinging out apologies because we do not know the full story. Defence hasn't announced when it will finish its inquiry. Greg Jennett, Lateline. Doubts tonight surround the highly anticipated meeting planned for Monday between John Howard and Indonesia's President, Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. While the Prime Minister's office has said it's hopeful the meeting will proceed, Foreign Ministry and presidential officials in Jakarta are unable to confirm that the meeting will go ahead. Our correspondent Geoff Thompson joins me now from Jakarta to try and shed a bit of light on the issue. Geoff, how likely is it that this meeting will go ahead as planned?

The signals about this have been

very confused all day. First of all,

at a Foreign Ministry briefing we

were told they couldn't say

were told they couldn't say anything about it and they said it was up to

the presidential palace to confirm

the meeting. All day the

presidential palace has dodged this

issue and up to 1.5 hours ago the

presidential spokesman said he

presidential spokesman said he could not even confirm that the meeting

was going go ahead. I just got off

the phone with him and he now says

that it's very likely to happen and

they are planning to meet on the

26th. So what explains this

uncertainty, though, at the 11th

hour? Arrangements have been in

place for some time, haven't they?

That's right. The logistics

certainly have a momentum to them.

Everyone, including the PM, are

heading towards Jakarta. Given a

meeting between the Indonesian

president and the sig por-Yang PM

president and the sig por-Yang PM on Sunday is confirmed, it seems

unusual that they can't confirm

unusual that they can't confirm this meeting, even now. Ostensibly they

say it's security considerations

from the Australian side that are

holding up preparations. But

holding up preparations. But there's a lot that rides on this meeting.

You have the asylum changes that

can't be delivered, you have a

security agreement which was hoped

to be delivered in time for this

meeting - that is not going happen.

And then you have the letter from

John Howard about Abu Bakar Bashir

and no real response from the

Indonesian side on that, other than

to say that they don't wish to be

dictated to. And given the close

personal relationship that the

President Yudhoyono beliefs he has

with John Howard and then to the

with John Howard and then to the led disappointment of the PM saying he

would not return the Papuans was personally requested by President

Yudhoyono, you can imagine that the

President may feel a little bit

slighted perhaps that at this late

hour just before the meeting, a

hour just before the meeting, a week oor so before, he receives a letter

from John Howard Cox complaining

about how ab-Abu Bakar Bashir is

being treated now he's tree. Of

course there are also good reasons

why the two lead relevance should

meet. Do you think, though, that by

tomorrow things will be clearer

because after all the PM is due to

arrive on Sunday? I think this

meeting will go ahead and I think

there was an element of diplomatic

brinkmanship in this. I think that

so much rides on, this they all

so much rides on, this they all know it's important and a lot is at

stake. I think the phrase very

likely to happen sounds reasonably

strong but still does not amount to

an absolute confirmation. Thanks

very much for bringing us up to very much for bringing us up to date on. In East Timor, thousands of people have been rallying in the capital Dili, in a bid to stop President Xanana Gusmao carrying through his threat to resign. Although it now looks unlikely that the President will step down, the political situation remains confused. The embattled Prime Minister, Mari Alkatiri, continues to resist calls for his resignation, but there is speculation tonight

that he won't be able to maintain this position for much longer. Our correspondent Anne Parker has this report. They came in the truckloads last night - a seemingly endless procession of vehicles rolled into Dili, bringing hundreds of people from outer districts for a mass demonstration against the Prime Minister. Even this morning, they were still arriving. The protest has been building for four days as calls intensify for Mari Alkatiri to resign. But as demands grow for the Prime Minister to step down, pressure is also mounting on the President not to.

Xanana Gusmao threatened to resign today

if Mari Alkatiri didn't go first. TRANSLATION: I am ashamed of all the bad things that the state has done to its own people, and I am no longer brave enough to face them any more. This afternoon, President Gusmao had a stream of visitors, including students with a petition saying they won't accept his resignation. I find it hard to believe that the great majority of East Timorese won't want him to remain at the centre of events. Late today, both the president and prime minister were still in their jobs. Neither man has resigned. Another game of brinkmanship has come to nothing. East Timor is still in political limbo, and the protests continue to grow.