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The Chaser's War On Everything 2007 -

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(generated from captions) And, of course, our two team captains Alan Brough and Myf Warhurst. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE a present for the mums tonight. And, of course, we have APPLAUSE the ultimate Mother's Day gift - We'll leave you tonight with most beautiful singers - a performance from one of Australia's Jan's little boy David Hirschfelder. David Hobson accompanied by we've pretty much used every Unfortunately, we could think of tonight Mother's Day song to fit the Mother's Day theme. so we've adapted a well-known song Thanks for watching Spicks and Specks. Happy Mother's Day, Australia. My name's Adam Hills.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE (Sings) # A road is long # With many a-winding turns # That leads us to

# Who knows where # But I'm strong

# Strong enough to carry her # She ain't heavy # She's my mother # So on we go # Her welfare is my concern # No burden is she # To bear # We'll get there # For I know # She would not encumber me # She ain't heavy

# She's my mother.# APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Closed Captions by CSI


(theme music)


Yes, thank God you are

here. Welcome to the war for

another week. This cashed-up

nation thanks to Peter

Costello. They was throwing

the money around like there

was no tomorrow which in his

case is probably true. He

could have brought Qantas.

It was very much an

election-geared budget, 100

million allocated for the new

scare campaign. $200 million

for muzzles for Bill

Heffernan. And millions for

Carl Williams to take out

Kevin Rudd if he wins the

election. I think the budget

speech took over an hour

which was still shorter in

Daryl Somers's acceptance

speech at the Logies. Daryl

Somers's speech is still

going in the Crown Casino Joe

car park talking about his

ratings. Not that we would

know because we were thrown

out by the Channel Nine

security guards. Our crime

is that we want to make the

Logies interesting. They must

be as bland as possible. We

had Channel Nine's goons

clamping down on us and

accused us of bringing drugs

to the Logies. I don't know

where they got that idea

from. It's ridiculous.

Everything alright. What is

the big deal? Somebody had

to look after Bindi's needs.

Of course apart from drug the

other staple of the Logies is

if token American star

because we really need

someone like Matt LeBlanc to

reassure us that Australian

TV rocks. This year it was a

token guest of Michael

Weatherly who made the police

take of being far too

entertaining. That is a big

no-no. I had to step in as

floor manager and try to

restore the natural order.

He is Italian and I'm not and

I enjoy getting into his skin

every day. It's the Logies

right, I'm allowed to do

this? You are doing well. I

hope you don't mind but we

have some footage here. That

is a lovely dress you are

wearing. They got stuck on

your dress. I know, it's

just for decoration. This is

footage of Tony and this is

typical of his lady-killing

ways. You didn't see a lot

more of the ceremony after in

a. It was a shame because

you missed out on the big

moment where we lost the

comedy award. Chaz was dirty.

He is a sore loser but

determined not to go home

empty handed. Even if it

meant from stealing the Logie from the Best New Female



It means the world to us.

Can't blame you for trying.

No. How was your Logies?

For me this Logies are not

really counts is about winning or losing. What

networking. I know and you

were working the room big

time., not the whole room,

just one guy in particular.

Richard Wilkins. It is

always been my dream to do

work experience with the

great man and last Sunday

night my dream finally came

true. Hey, Richard. The

thing is I want to be you.

Can't you teach me how to do

what you do? What is more

important on a night like

this, the Awards for

Excellence or the passions in

the field? Good question. A

great question. Better answer

it. This is for TV. It is

kind of, some people like the

fashion, some people like the

awards so the Logies cater

for every one. Got him on

the run Richard. Have a good

time! I got that. Let's do

Hamish and Andy. I didn't

realise you blokes are so all the. You are all the

yourself. Megan Gale, ask

her who she is wearing? Was

that good? Was that good?

High five! Mick Molloy, what

do you reckon? This is a

goer, Rich. He is about to

do his own show on nine nine

or is that a secret? Good

cross-promotion. Kiwi in a

suit...(laughs) Can I use

that one. Cheers, mate. Good

luck tonight. Is that what

you say when they are

hassling you? That is what

you say at the end. Only if

you are nominated!

APPLAUSE This Sunday the

action at Mount Panorama is

about to get even hotter. The

Bathusrt Segue 1000. 100 laps

riding electric human

transporters at blistering

speeds of up to 6 km/h. The

tension is electric. And his

battery is flat much he is

forced into the pit-stop.

This is a disaster for

him. This is nonstop

adrenaline you will not want

to miss. An incredible

overtake on the outside. Too

fast for the corner and he is

over and he has burst into

flames. Oh my goodness, death

on the track. The Bathusrt

Segue 1000, 2 o'clock Sunday

right after the golf buggy

off road rally. Well, Australian Fashion Week is over for another year and the big news from the catwalks

this season is that

apparently. superficiality is in

Yes, the new black yet

again. It was not all shallow

nonsense, to their credit

Fashion Week organisers

teamed up with World Vision

and held a 168-hour fashion

so the models could raise

money for people who do not

staff for choice. Wayne

Cooper... Compared to the

European runway, porky I

reckon. Wayne Cooper, Bill

Heffernan of fashion. Did you

see some of theers plodding

down the catwalk this year,

unbelievable. Off with Jenny

Craig with you fattso. Eating

disorders are not the only

thing the fashion industry is

doing nothing about so I

decided the march Fashion

Week with my own little

tribute. Mate, I'm just

going to have to stop you

there. Can I see how

low-slung those pants are,

please? That is two inches

of underwear above the wanker

limit. Turn around, please T

the problem is your pants

ridiculously low-slung.

Okay. Right? That is 4

inches of visible underwear,

my friend. Do you know why

underwear is called

underwear? I don't know,

you wear them under. Yes,

that is not under though, is

it? Not good enough mate.

Hey! Stop right there. I tell

you what a joke is, having

pants that should go up to

your hips that are halfway

down your arse. It is a free

world, dude. Not now, it's a

$75 world. They are

ridiculously high-slung, a

hazard to your health, you

realise that. Can you breathe

alright? Are you sure?

Never had any problems. Can

you pull your pants up,

please, up, up, up. A bit

more. Up, up. Buy yourself a


Mrs Henderson, terrific

to see you. I'm not Mrs

Henderson, I'm afraid.

# We have missed you so much Mrs Henderson

# We have missed your light

touch, Mrs Henderson

# The bedrooms are a mess

# And the gardens are in need of help

# Never go away again! I'll

never go away again. Not if

I'm treated like this.

# You must be so tired, Mrs Henderson

# You're fired, Mrs Henderson # Nappies full of poo

# And the children need their

bath and would like a song or two

# Please don't ever go away



Henderson, you are, aren't

you? Not really. Aim

stickler for a singing

housekeeper. You can pass it

on to someone else, thank



Like the rest of the

Australian media we haven't

talked much about Iraq So

easy to forget When there

are so many more important

stories like Kylie Minogue's

mystery man. Apparently Iraq

is not going all that well.

We have celebrated four years

since Bush declared mission

accomplished and there have

only been 75 thousand

deaths. Iraq is hotting up as

a huge issue in the US

elections so here is what the

average American things about

it all. What is the major

cause of Iraq's problems?

That they are naturally

violent, they are Muslim or

that they are Middle Eastern?

Middle Eastern. They are

naturally violent the young

ones. Which Iraqi is most

responsible for the country's

upheaval - use of Islam,

Muslim or Barack Obama? The

first one. Islam? Yes.

Probably a split three way,

they each have hands on what

is going on. The lass one.

Barack Obama? Why? Because

I've heard his name before.

Barack Obama. Yeah. Um... the

way he presents himself, he

is just very evil. Barack

Obama. I think he is one of

the ones behind everything

else. What is the best way to

solve the problem in Iraq?

Convert them to Christianity,

convert them to Judaism, or

convert them to Ash? Ash.

Ash. Ash. How come? I

don't like them.

Christianity. Why? Um, I

don't know, Christianity

seems to be a peaceful

religion I guess. If

conscription became necessary

to win in Iraq which group of

citizens should America

recruit first into the US

averagy? The homeless,

troubled black youths

Orpington fans? I would

give a shot to the troubled

black youths. The homeless. Why? Because they

are not really doing anything

anyway. Orphans and

troubled black youths.

Homeless people it would give

them a job then afterwards

they would have all the

benefits of act vet so

perhaps. Then again a lot of

homeless people are vets. You

could send them back and they

already know what it is like?

Yeah, that's true. Now that Saddam Hussein has gone do

you support the proposal for

his body doubles to be

executed too?

Absolutely. Because they look

guilty? To hell with him

and everybody who looks like

him. I think they should be punished. Executed? Yeah, I

would think so. I think all

the Iraqis should be

executed. Why? Don't like

them, again.

Now sadly there is no

Andrew this week since he was

detained by security guards

at the Logies but I'm very

happy to warm the seat for

him. Before we get into it

it's time for Anna Coren's

segue of the week. Let's see

how Anna gets from a dodgy

investment company to the

latest news if Hollywood.

Brian Seymour as the

authorities try to unravel

the truth about Fincorp. To

do that they would not want

to rely on Hollywood who

stars lead real lives that

often have little resemblance

the their public image. She

has done it again. Well

done, Anna. We should

give'Today Tonight' credit

for one thing, their stiring

tribute to the ANZACs.. yes, the diggers would have been

proud to the poignant back

announce Anna made after this special Anzac Day

report. Together wearing

their medals with pride equal

and free because that is what

they fought for. The medal

proof we will never forget.

(Last post plays) Andrew

Bourke reporting. After the

break, how to shrink your

backside in your lunch hour.

I mean, who cares? Like who

cares? Anzac Day is a joke.

World wars mean nothing

compared to the real battles

of our time. Richard, a war

veteran fought in a world war

in New Guinea and Borneo but

by far he reckons his biggest

battle has been with a car

dealer near his home.

Yes, our grandfathers fought

in the great car dealer war.

What a bloody battle it

was. Chin up boys, we are

going over the top. (Go

explosion) Stop it!

APPLAUSE Lest we forget! But

one thing that current

affairs shows are really good

at is dispenseing handy hints

and useful advice. And

advice for those who shout

too loud during sex. A

massive issue that ACA even

went to a psychologist to get

some professional advice for

the noisy couple. They

should look at a mouth gag,

not something that will cause

them difficulty in breathing

but something that will

muffle the sound. Sounds

very romantic. Hang on,

Chris, I can think of one

very good use for a mouth

gag. Of course while you are

having all that noiseless sex

you want to look your very

best. Yes, thankfully these

shows also offer wonderful

beauty tips. Forget toothpaste. Catherine

Zeta-Jones swears

strawberries are the best

teeth white nears, our model

agree. I know Andrew's

dentist prescribes to that

theory. Being beautiful need

not be that hard. Why go to

the trouble of buying a

single Tube of lip gloss when

you can protect the your lips

the easy way? They are

mixing honey, macadamia oil,

bees wax and beetroot juice

to make lip gloss. So

simple! My lips feel a bit

dry right now come to think

of it. So do mine and luckily

I have the recipe right here.

Fantastic. Honey, bees wax,

mix it up. Give me some lip

gloss! Yum. I look

beautiful! Dead ringers for

Barbara Cartland but the best

advice on a current affairs

show would have to come - put

some more on Chaz - from the

woman who loves telling

people what to do - Pauline

Hanson. Not only does Pauline

dispense advice but she even

helps you carry it out.

Pauline Hanson things we

should go even further when it comes to dealing with

those who have a problem with

displaying the flag. Go back

where you came from. You are clearly not Australian. I

will take them to to the

airport actually, pay for the

taxi fare and they can leave

the country. She will pay

for the cab fare. God knows I

need a holiday and I think

displaying the flag can be a

bit tacky so I went to take

Pauline up on her offer. Hi,

Pauline. I just wanted to

take you up on your generous

offer so I'm all packed up

and ready to go to the

airport. Let's go. Darling,

I would take you to the

airport, but can you give me

a ride? You give me the

xwab money, I can go, $40.

It will not happen. I bet if

I was David Oldfield you

would help me leave the country.

# It's a perfect match! With

its daring crew hurt link

through the far reaches of

space its the thrilling

adventures of Oleguer.

Alright Dr Sanders set forth

from Montebelus 7. We can

caught in the beam of the

battle cruiser. Quickly

men, what can we do? This

is science fiction, Sir, we

can make-up any old shit to

get us out of this. Good,

then fire the Spondoola

beam. Techtonia shielding.

Use the molecular

anti-feculation... The

deflector. Use the

Spondoola... The Zirpo

missile. Brilliant. It

worked. The enemy is

completely destroyed.

Hooray! The Spondoola is

making a crash. Damn this

science fiction. Will the

crew be able to bullshit

their way out of this one?

Find out next time on


Find out next time on

'Starship Preposterous'. The

world is not getting any more

perfect Craig but each week

we fix up the damage one week

at a time. First up the sale

of Qantas, one minute to take

over is on, then off. Very

hard to keep up The problem

is the private consortium

deals the transactions are so

complex. Go back to

basics. What is wrong with a

single auction. Qantas were

perfectly happy auctioning

off their artwork this week.

Why not take some bids for

the airline while they are at

it? Ladies and gentlemen

well to the auction. The company directors have

inserted a new lot 1, the

entire Qantas company.

Obviously the only bid we

have had so far - just one

moment - the only bid has

been a complete failure so we

are looking for any face

saving offer we can get at all. There will be massive

bow fusses coming through for

the company directors if we

can flog this off so we will

start the bidding if we can

at $11.2 billion. You madam,

thank you. $11.3 billion?

You, Sir, thank you. Up to

$12 billion. You again madam.

$12.1 billion ? This is a

lot more interest than we had

the first time around. Very

bowled over. Anyone can bid,

you do not have to be

Australian. In fact we prefer

it if you are not. You, Sir.

$13 billion. Fantastic. I'm

so sorry, I'm going, going,

gone! Okay, next problem to

tackle, wages. Employer groups are always complaining

about how the cost of wages

hurts business Things were

easier under

slavey. Priceline has found a

handy solution. They sacked a

worker who earned $100,000

and advertised for someone to

do the job for ?25,000 less

and the court said under

WorkChoices that is okay.

Priceline could save even

more money if they did the

same thing for all their

positions, even the CEO. Hi,

how are you? Julian from the

Chaser, nice to see you. We

have heard a lot about your

wages policy at Priceline. We

have been Reading a lot about

it. Seems like a great way to

save money. I wonder if you

might use the same approach

with your own position. We

have a redundancy notice for

you here. You could sack yourself, is the for the same

position for 25 per cent

less. Do you want to do that?

"You Pay Less" is the slogan,

why not do it for yourself,

you do it for your staff?

Time once again to test

the credibility of the

advertising industry and this

week it is all about a

certain tourism campaign for Victoria.

Yes thank you to Kate who hit

the guest book bringing our

attention to this incredibly

pretentiousus ad aimed at

attracting visitors to

Melbourne. Like an art house

European film, a pretty girl

walking around Melbourne with

a giant ball of wool. All

set to the very

jingle-friendly strains of

Joanna Newsom. Lo and behold

before you know it she is

running into other people

holding giant balls of wool.

The premise seems to be that

it is so easy to lose

yourself in Melbourne with

all its intricate laneways

and gangland killers that you

need to leave a trail of wool

behind you to make sure you

do not get lost. Very smart

thinking indeed. But just how

practical would it really be

to walk around Melbourne with

a giant ball of wool?

(-Joanna Newsom sings)

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Maybe

I will have to go...under.

Sorry. Is that your dog?

Sorry. Wool coming through,

people, sorry. (-Joanna

Newsom sings) Sorry mate,

sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry everyone.

hang on.

APPLAUSE It was not even

remotely practical at all.

Worst tourism advice ever.

Next time we will stick to

the Melways. Please hit us on

the War guest book. If you

have an ad you would like us

to test out drop your

suggestion to our web

site. And you can download

the podcast too. Shane

Bourne, if you are wondering

where your Logie went, mate -

stole yours too! Goodnight.


Closed Captions by CSI Mrs

Henderson, welcome back, it's

terrific to see you. It's

not me.

# We have missed you so much, Mrs Henderson

# We have missed your light

touch, Mrs Henderson

# The dishes are all dirty

and the bedrooms are a mess

# And the gardens are in need

of Henderson prowess

# Please don't ever go away


# You must be so tired, Mrs Henderson

# A sleep for you, Mrs Henderson

# We have the laundry with us

# Lots of nappies full of poo

# And the children need their

bath and would like a song or two

# Please don't ever go away

again! Are you Mrs

Henderson? No. CC

Good evening. Two teenage girls have

been sentenced to life in prison in

Perth for murdering one of their

friends. The pair murdered

15-year-old Eliza Davis last June,

after a night partying with her. She

was strangled, then her body was

buried underneath a house. The girls

will have to serve a minimum of 15

years. The outback town of Alice

Springs is now dry in more ways than

one. Drinking in public places has

been banned to reduce the high level

of violence. But, social workers are

worried that when the ban comes in

worried that when the ban comes in to effect in August, drinkers will be

pushed off the streets and into town

camps and that could cause further

problems. And a ceremony and concert

is being held in the northern

Tasmanian town of Beaconsfield

tonight, on the first anniversary of

the mine rescue. The event began

the mine rescue. The event began with local school children unveiling 920m

of scarf knitted by people from

around the world. Rescued miners,

Brant Webb and Todd Russell, will be

singing a special tribute song about

the time they spent underground. Now,

tomorrow's national weather - a few

showers for Brisbane, a shower or

showers for Brisbane, a shower or two in Sydney, mainly fine in Hobart,

in Sydney, mainly fine in Hobart, and fine in the other capital cities.

More news on 'Lateline' at 10:30. Oh, it was fantastic. Ally's just come back from Greece. Oh, we were there in June. No! Oh, it's gorgeous, isn't it? Yeah, I've been loads, but it's the first time I'd taken Nick. Oh, God, you went together? Yeah. Do you know, I think that is fantastic! I'd never go on holiday with my mum. Polly's not my mum, she's my girlfriend. Hmm? Right... Yeah, good, cos I didn't mean you looked older than him, no, no, I didn't, you look... You look taller than him. Just, you just seem a bit taller than him. Which is odd, isn't it, given that you're shorter than him. Odd in a good way. Hmm? So, you've got beautiful eyes. God! # Bright eyes # Burning like fire... # GIGGLES NERVOUSLY Well, you won't believe this one. This one is unbelievable. About three weeks ago we was in Leeds. We'd been to see our brother. Don't ask. Anyhow, we're on our way back and we thought we'd stop for a pub lunch. What was that pub called? No idea. Anyhow, we gets in... Listen to this. And they were all from Thailand, weren't they? Not the customers, the people doing the food. All of them, from Thailand. Chinese, basically. You went mad, didn't you? All I wanted right, was fish and chips, maybe a pie. But all they did was this Thai food. Food from Thailand. This is in Leeds. So, you asked if they did chips, didn't you? Now you tell me somewhere that don't do chips. No chips. Well, you went mad, didn't you? I'm only flesh and blood. So, the woman says, "Why don't you try vegetable..." What were it called? Tempura. So we've ordered two of 'em and two lager shandies, didn't we? Just half each. Well, this tempura stuff arrived, didn't it? This is unbelievable. Well, he went absolutely mad, didn't you? Do you know what it is, eh? This, this tempura, right. Shall I tell you? Battered veg. Nowt with it. We couldn't believe it, could we? Veg battered. Well, actually there was summit with it, weren't there? Oh, listen to this. Spicy jam. Seriously. Little blob of jam, jam like that, but spicy. Battered veg with spicy jam. The dirty bastards. But that's not the best bit. Oh, two plates of battered veg, right, blob of spicy jam like that, two lager shandies. Halves. ?11.40. Not even pints. ?11.40 for battered veg. The dirty, evil, robbing bastards. ?5, and another 5 makes 10. Thank you. Morning. How are we today? Morning, Derek. Oh, yeah, can't complain. Do you want to pay for your papers? Yes, please, Vivienne. And where were you yesterday? Mother and I had a little day out. Oh, lovely. That's ?6 please, Derek. And these as well? Er, yes. Er, ?2.50 and ?1.50. Right, that's ?10 exactly please, Derek. Thank you. Derek, can I ask your advice on something? Who, dear? Me, dear? Advice, dear? Yes, dear. It's something delicate. Well, you know me, dear, I'm discretion personified. It's Paul, our eldest. Well, he's... Well, we think he might be gay. Oh, I see. In your experience, do we think we should ask him, or do you think we should wait for him to tell us? What do you mean, "In my experience?". Well, did you tell your mother you were gay, or did she know already? I beg pardon? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. How very dare you? How very dare you?! Mother and I have been coming in this shop for 25 years and I have never been so insulted! Derek, I'm sorry, I've just always assumed... Just because a man wears a little bit of foundation and takes care of his appearance, you automatically accuse him of hiding the sausage? Well, I find you impertinent! I don't know what to say. "Just always assumed?" How very dare you?! I forgot Mother's magazines. They're here. Wildlife Countryside and....Hot Muscle? She's been very ill. You've been to China, haven't you? No. I thought you had. No, not me. I could have sworn it was you that went to China. No, I've never been to China. Incredible language, Chinese. Hmm.

Chee pok chat ow. Sounds a bit like that, doesn't it? Yeah. Listen, I've really got to get on with this, so... Do you know, there are no swear words in the Chinese language. Right. We were having a conversation about swearing in the workplace at lunch. Were you? Yeah, a really good conversation actually. I'm sure. Look, I'm not being rude, but I've really got to finish this. Guess which swear word people find most offensive? Oh. Go on, guess which swear word people here find the most offensive? I really wouldn't know. Of course you wouldn't, that's what makes guessing such a brilliant game. Um... Come on. I don't swear much. It doesn't matter, join in the game. I suppose it depends on the individual. Come on, which swear word did everyone in this office collectively find the most offensive? I haven't a clue. Just take a bloody guess! Look, there's one already. I'm no good at this sort of thing. It's just a bit of fun, guess! Um... Come on! Tit wank. Tit wank? When have you ever heard anyone in this office say tit wank? I said I didn't know. Anyway, tit wank is two swear words, not one, so try again. I think it might be hyphenated. Come on! Willy? Willy? Willy? I said the most offensive swear word in the office, not the playground. Twat? No, come on. Tosser. No! Tosspot. No. Tossed off. Stop tossing! Come on. Phallus. What? Minge? Right, forget it. Frig. It's frig, isn't it? No. Jiz? (C**t.) The most offensive swear word to people in this office... ( c**t.) That word is so offensive! Yes, it is. Are you sure people in this office use that word? I've never heard them. That's because they're usually talking about you, not to you. Thank you for coming, Annie. Take a seat. So, what's the problem this time? Annie, I think you know. Your methods of late have become somewhat unorthodox. I get results, Robert, and I save lives. You overruled the decisions of two senior doctors. I saved the lives of three people who would otherwise have died had I been too polite to intervene.