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The Chaser's War On Everything 2007 -

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(generated from captions) we talked about choral music Earlier in the show with a different type of choir. but tonight we'd like to leave you Shouting Men's Choir This is a Finnish Who go, officially, by the name of... ..Mieskuoro Huutajat. That's right. That's nice! shout their compositions in unison. Rather than singing, they actually It is very annoying Is that annoying? hit in their native Finland. but somehow they have had a top-ten Spicks and Specks. I'm Adam Hills. Thanks for watching Good night, Australia. APPLAUSE quite highly regarded in Finland. They're actually Is this them? It's the Titanic. 'Happy Feet, The Musical.' It looks like

Crossed with 'Reservoir Dogs'. Here we go. (All bellow in Finnish) (All bellow Louder) (High-Pitched Shouting) (Lower-Tone bellowing) (Sudden silence)

DESOLATE WIND BLOWS I'm definitely going for that tune. This program is not subtitled CC

(theme music)

APPLAUSE Hello. Good

evening, welcome right around

Australia. Great to have you

with us. It is a Kevin

Rudd-free zone here tonight,

he is completely warn out

after all those cooking

segments with Kerry Anne this

morning. Thank God he quit

Sunrise so he could

concentrate on hard November

husband shows. Kevin Rudd is

still ahead in the polls even

when he tide the recreate the

Dawn Service But John Howard

is not to be redone, he sent

more troops the Middle East

hoping to recreate the

Vietnam war, he is a leader!

Kevin Rudd and the team at

sunrise are still copping

flak. The plans have been

cancelled which is a whole

pity. We know how much the

fake service meant to sunrise

but we made sure they would

not go without one. What

prompted a Savage sea lion

attack. We have got a fake

Kevin Rudd for a fake

service. Prince Charles or

anything and say "Mate, she

is not for you". He would say

"Look, dad what do you

reckon? " I don't believe for

a seconds listen to me, young

man, don't do a dry Anna.

(Last post plays) Appreciate

your time and also the time

of some of our friends as

well who joined us. Now you

saying away, you are so hot

and cold. One morning it is

emails saying get up an hour

early and now it is go away.

Elsewhere this week did you

see that gaming revenue from

pokies has dropped a bit

since pubs went smoke-free.

Obviously Aussies are less

inclined he to play a pokies

if they can't indulge in

another bad habit They are

better than live music. And

the messable is getting

through that pokies should

not replace music in pubs but

even the Australian chamber

orchestra. excuse me folks.

All live music in this

country has to be replaced by

a pokey. You guys have to go.

Go! We have to be here. No

more live music. See you

later. You can gamble any

time you like, guy, it's all

yours. Not a great reception

from the crowd there but

those oldies will come

around. One flutter and they

will be hooked. It raises the

question now that poker

machines have taken overall

our live music venues, where

are young bands supposed to

get a gig? I reckon they

should take over the manufacturers of the pokies

like Aristrocrat. We can't

play anywhere else. We have

to play here. Mate, you

can't play here. Hello, thank

you for coming. Enjoy the

show. 1, 2, 3, 4... (band

plays loudly) No loud music?

We have to go. They don't

like the music. Guys, too

many pokies here, we can't

play. It is like a

pub. Kicked out again. They

didn't treat us like this at

the Espy.

APPLAUSE It really bugs us

when our friends say things

like "We only use the gross

parts of the cow to make

ourburgers but the fact is

the uder is the best part of

the cow". Delicious. Don't

believe in rumours, make up

your own mind at this web

site made of 100 per cent

Australian bull.

APPLAUSE Did you know this

is the 20th anniversary of those Grim Reaper

advertisements about

HIV/AIDS. Do you remember

them? At first only gays

and IV drug users were being

killed by HIV/AIDS but now we

know everyone of us could be

devastated by it. Yes a Grim

Reaper with a bowling hobby.

That is how you made a scare

campaign 20 years ago. Very

passe. They are darker than

that. Interest rates always go up under Labor

governments. Howard's scare

campaign is very effective.

After those advertisements

were shown the infection rate

went down and the 10-pin

bowling rate dropped more.

Bizarrely the Grim Reaper has been out of work for 20

years. The only gig he gets

are those lame understanding

50 advertisements. Such a

waste of talent. I can think

of plenty of other places he

would be absolutely perfect

for. I'm the Grim Reaper, I

wonder if I could speak to

your HR manager, please?

Brendan, I've got, who did

you say you were again...the

Grim? The Grim Reaper here.

Thank you. What type of work

are you looking for?

Anything to do with death is

my forte. I thought I would

fit in pretty well here. I

have somebody coming out to

you. Thank you very much.

Listen guys, is there someone

in charge here? I'm in

charge. I was hoping I could

apply for a job. Look,

unfortunately I cannot make a

promise but if you like to

contacted our corporate

affairs department I'm Steve

Ash. Okay... Hello. I would

like to speak to someone from

human resources, please. I am

Death! There is someone

here. I am Death. Boys,

come on, get out. Okay,

alright. Is there somewhere I

around here? could have a saying Rhett

Is there somewhere I could

have a cigarette around here?

Do you have a marketing

department? Sorry, I get

that a bit. I would like to

apply for a job. I hear there

is some positions going in

Afghanistan. Are you joining

up too? No. Could I take

something to advice me how to

serve in Afghanistan or Iraq?

That is right shoppers, he

is completely crazy and he

has to go. A multiclearance,

mega, mega madness T man has

become a huge, huge, huge

embarrassment. If you think

our prices are outrageous

wait until you hear his

comments. Come on in, grab a

fee quote, he will claim it

has been taken out of

context. What about you, Sir?

That is right, you look like

you need a crazy shake-up.

Alright. Okay.

APPLAUSE

Okay, if you are watching

this show we know you are

probably a typical latte-sipping broadcast person but we are not like

that. We have got cable

because we know you have to

pay $100 a month to get real

quality. Like our cable whose

who deals with issues like

paternity in a seriously

sensitive way. The

paternity es the t. Cheers

cheers When it comes to

3-year-old Trebon, Mike el,

you are not the into a there! Cheers cheers

Very tasteful. Now we are

obsessed with paternity tests

and he holds the world's

record for a most paternity

tests in a sing episode, 34

tests, maybe that explains

why this guy is so happy.

This is the important part of

the show. When it comes to

Lewis, you are not the father! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice moves. That is just a

taste of cable TV but more

recently you have missed

something else on cable.

Easter specials. Now I know

some people say the Easter

bunny trivialises Easter.

Thankfully the entertainment

channel remind us of what

Easter Sunday is all about.

Giant bunny, stuffed bunny,

naughty bunny, bunny mar ha

thon starts today at 1.55 on

E. Happy Easter! Okay, maybe

E is not the best place to

discover the meaning of

Easter but you would think that the Christian channel

would do better. I don't

know, sometimes I think the

Christian channel simplifies

theology too much. Jesus is

pretty nice, isn't he? It

gets better Becky. Jesus rose

from the dead. Cool. Isn't

it? That is cool. Although

has not the Count from sesame street fallen on hard times?

Very sad. There was a

musical spectacular about the

life of Jesus which showed

that people didn't just raise

people, he could knock them

over too. I am Marcus, are

you Jesus? I am! Talk

about bad breath. Mate na,

was true to the gospel.

Everyone knows Jesus was a

great 10-pin bowler. Strike!

But Easter on cable was not

all kids stuff T National

Geographic channel had

fascinating tips about fun

things that adults can do at

Easter. Pilgrims come to

this place to re-enact

Jesus's last moments. I

enjoy this, this is a

privilege, awesome. What are

you? You are no king. What

are you? Nothing. Awesome.

If ancient Roman S and M is

not for you there was one

channel that promised

something better. We

discover Easter's real meaning on the history

channel. See t real meaning

of Easter. We are talking serious documentaries about

important topics like people

who think they have the

wounds of Jesus on their

body.. I learnt quite a few

things from that documentary.

I never knew that Cathy

Freeman had stigmata. I

learnt a how to find out if

someone claiming it would be

real. I would listen to the

emotional level, is she like

a zombie or is she frenetic?

That is spot-on! But by

far the most convincing Tway

history channel discovered

the true meaning of Easter

was the dock men triabout the

ark of the covenant. And they

got top academics to explain

it... I saw the film and the

Legend of the Lost Ark. I

love his research on the

Temple of Doom. You can scoff

but journalist Grahame

Phillips found the most

sacred relic right here in

rural England. Look, don't

get us wrong, we are not

having a go at anyone's beliefs unless you believe

the things that Grahame

Phillips believes. If I'm

right what is at this spot is

the most sacred spot on the

earth and if the Ark is found

here it will probably be the

most important archaeological

discoverive all time. Or

maybe someone just tossed an

old fireplace on the road.

That is what you missed on

cable over Easter. In

summary, not much. Jewels,

don't get too negative. After

all Easter is a time of

thanksgiving and there is so

much to be thankful for. No

matter how bad the Easter TV

on cable is there is no a

special here. Joseph, you are

not the father!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It's

okay, don't worry. Take that

Jesus. It's going to be

alright. Stay calm. Come on.

Since that last

advertisement friends are

saying things like our soft

serve ice-cream is made from

pig fat but the fact is all

our dairy products come

straight from Aussie cows so

don't believe the rumours,

make up your own mind with

this one-sided prop granda

web site. Pig fat? Where do

these rumours come from?

I'm feeling very depressed

at the moment. I have a

broken heart. Ever since I

heard Pauline Hanson has

runaway with some country

music singer. What has this

guy got that I haven't got?

Pauline, sweetheart, I know

you are watching the show,

you wouldn't be tuned to SBS,

that's for sure. This one's

for you.

# Pauline, Pauline, Pauline...

# I'm begging you don't

choose him over me

# Pauline, Pauline, Pauline

# So ethnically clean

# I'll pump you full of white

supremacy

# I dream of your skin my

hands so pure and white just

like the clan's

# Don't fret I'm not an abo,

gook or fag

# I will kiss you on your tender lips

# I hope I taste your fish

and chips

# And we will make love in the Aussie flag

# I visit you behind the bars

# I can be your Romeo

# Together we can say

# Please explain

# Pauline, Pauline, Pauline, Pauline

# Can you help me turn One Nation into two?

# Pauline, Pauline to think

old Phil got in your jeans

# My heart ain't swamped by

Asians but by you...

APPLAUSE Craig, it is no

secret how much I love

authority figures, I love a

man in uniform. Flankly I do

not think our society has

enough of them You are the

only person who things our

cops are too soft. They are

Nancies, they bust people for

speeding but they do not go

far enough. They are blatant

pricks, revenue raising. They

would buts people for

breaking all speed limits.

# Bad boys, what you want?

# What you going to do...

# Tell me, what you want to

do... I'm officer Morrow

patrolling levels 1, 2 and 3.

All my life I've been

passionate about serving the

community so this job is

really a dream job for me.

# What you going to do when

they come for you? How are

you today? Have you noticed

the speeding signs as you

came in today, Sir?

Yes. 5 kilometre zone in this

car park. I was not aware of

that. There are signs all

over that. Do you realise

what speed you were doing,

Sir? No. 7 kilometres. 7

kilometres? Yes. Per hour.

I'm doing 1 kilometre over

and you want to book me? 6

kilometres in a 5 kilometre

zone it is one kilometre

over. I've been parking

here for 40 years. You are

mucking up my day.

# Tell me, what you want to do

# When we come for you...

Please pullover, madam. You

are going to book me in a car

park? Yes, we have had all

sorts much accidents in a

last week, I have to crack

down unfortunately. Do you

have a driver's licence. I

will not show you mine until

I see yours. I will show you

mine if you show me yours.

You go first. No you. I will

have to give you a ticket, 7

kilometres, $1 over the limit

so that is $2. I need to

take this back to question

this. Ignorance is no ex-ku,

I'm sorry. There we go.

# What you going to do when

they come for you?

APPLAUSE It's called the

copy cat effect. Films like

Jackass are responsible for

1000 copy cat injuries a year

but it is not just this

influencing our teens. In Britain authorities are

concerned about the growing

number of young men imitating

scenes from merchant Ivy

series. You see a film like

Howard's End or Remains of

the Day and they immediately

want to become a Butler or

have a cup of tea. Parents

group want the movies band

before the copy cat craze

gets out of control. I was

at work and I got a call that

my son was wanting to dress

up as a woman. Alistair says

his teenage son is in the

vice-like grip of slow-moving

twee period drama. Last year

for Christmas I got him the

Real Cancun and me swapped

it. It is not just costume

films that are influenceing

youth behaviour. These

unsupervised teens spend

every night recreating My

Dinner with Andre and here is

a 12-year-old copying Al Gore

in an Inconvenient Truth. It

is not a crisis but if they

start to re-enact scenes from

Norbert we have a problem. I

think it is odd when you buy

a car you can take it for a

test drive and check it out

but for other big purchase

that's are just as important,

like a bed, you are never

allowed more than a 20-second

lie-down in a shop. You shop

for beds very differently

than me. What do you do? If

I'm going to lie - lay down a

couple of grand for a bed I

have to make sure it is the

right bed for me and how do I

know if I don't test it out

first. How is this like? Do

you mind if I try it? It

feels pretty good. This is

great. Fantastic. I'm just

trying it out. I sleep more

than 15 minutes usually, I

sleep for a few hours at

least. Can't you leave me

here overnight? What is the

problem, mate? Can't I try

out your bed? Yes,

certainly, with your clothes

on. This is how I sleep. I

sleep naked. My boys like a

bit of room but I'm not

allowed... Get out of the

store? I'm out of here. I

just wanted to try your bed.

I didn't realise you would be

so sensitive. I was just

getting started there. There

is a lot more I look for in a

bed than just at place to

sleep. You have a huge

libido, a man with enormous

sexual needs. That is true,

I'm not going to buy bed

unless I notice is up to this

modern day lathario.

(screams) don't you dare!

Just us! Oh yeah! Do you guys

mind? A bit of privacy,

please. Just trying out the

bed. How much is this one?

It's pretty good. Cheers,

glad you liked it I would

have like add few more

minutes but thanks anyway. I

thought the thing last week

was low. Not even close.

There was no way I was going

to buy that bed without first

making sure I could invite a

few friends over. Oh, God!

Quick... Please. Take

us...(screams) Get on top.

Yes, yes. Excuse me, guys.

This is totally inappropriate. It is a public

shop, a beding shot. This is

totally unappropriate. You

can join in if you like. What

happened to try before you

buy? No customer service.

None! Probably more than

enough arse flesh for one

evening. We have not

finished fetishes yet. There

are plenty I haven't tested

yet. You will not see that

footage. Stop it! Give the

goat a chance. A DVD extra.

If anyone is still watching

thank you for your company be

sure to check out our

podcast. If you are quick why

not check out highlight clips

on YouTube before some

15-year-old kid deletes them

all. See you next week. Goodnight.

APPLAUSE

Closed Captions by CSI

In the last two

advertisements we told you

how our friends keep bugging

us about the good at

McDonald's. But the fact is

we don't have friends. Who

would want to hang out with

us? So please be our friend

by visiting this chat site

CC

Good evening. The Federal Government

has announced plans to swap detained

boat people with those held by the

United States. The exchange would

involve boat people held by

involve boat people held by Australia on the remote Pacific island of

on the remote Pacific island of Nauru and refugees held by the US at its

naval base at Guantanamo Bay. The

Prime Minister says, the scheme

Prime Minister says, the scheme would deter boat people from coming to

Australia. But Opposition groups

Australia. But Opposition groups have denounced the move as bizarre.

There's been some rare film footage

found of Gallipoli. The one minute

film is believed to have been shot

film is believed to have been shot in 1915 by British war correspondent

Ellis Ashmead-Bartlett. It was part

of an obscure documentary bought by

the Australian War Memorial in 1938.

The film shows pictures of the

shoreline at Anzac cove and British

soldiers at Suvla Bay. And the AFL

tribunal has thrown out a case

against West Coast's Adam Selwood

against West Coast's Adam Selwood for using insulting language during a

match last weekend. Selwood was

match last weekend. Selwood was being investigated for allegedly making

derogatory remarks about the

6-year-old daughter of Fremantle

docker Des Headland during the third

quarter of the match. The tribunal

took 10 minutes to dismiss the

charge. Headland is now facing the

tribunal on two charges of striking

Selwood and wrestling. Now,

tomorrow's national weather -

possible morning showers for

Adelaide, and a shower or two

developing in Hobart, but fine in

developing in Hobart, but fine in the other capital cities. There'll be

more news in 'Lateline' at 10:35.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE SIRENS BLARE This must be her. Afternoon. Angie Barker, the new DI. This is DS Harris. Ma'am, Sir. And these are? Never seen a working mother before, Constable? Right, what have we got? Er, body of a woman, late 30s, we think she might be a local... Prostitute. OK, let's take a look. Come on. Come on, let's see the dead lady with mummy. Right, do we know how she died? Er, several wounds to the torso, looks like a knife. Multiple entry wound. Looks like quite a frenzied attack. Jessica, no jumping on the body, please. Any sign of a murder weapon? We've not found anything yet, ma'am. Do we know how long she's been dead? Police surgeon reckons no more than a couple of hours. Give me that stick. So we may have some witnesses? A local lady says she might have seen a white saloon car driving away at speed some time after midday. Problem, Constable? Your little girl's hanging off my jacket, ma'am. Really. You want to try taking an oral swab from a 75-year-old rape victim whilst changing a dirty nappy, checking two sets of homework and looking for Barbie's cocktail handbag. Now, that's a tough shift. Ma'am. Right, Harris, I want a complete house-to-house within a one mile radius, a cross-reference check on every convicted sex attacker in this area in the last five years and a flask of boiling water. Ma'am? Heat up the milk, she's due a feed. Unplait the victim's hair would you. Put it back the way it was. And wipe off those cat's whiskers. Congratulations on your new job. Oh, thanks. I know, I'm really excited. Well, done. Ally! Hello. I've just heard about your good news. Yeah. It's Ally isn't it? Yeah, hello. Steve, Carol's brother. Hello, how nice to meet you. At last. Oh, have you just got here? Yeah, I had a nightmare waiting for a taxi. Ooh. Oh, that's left a horrible mark. Sorry? Your hat, it's left a dreadful mark on your head, give it a rub, that looks dreadful. It's a birthmark. Right. Yeah, no, no, God, no. Not that long thing, that's not even long. It's just, no, I meant, no, I meant on this side. Oh, no, oh, hold on a minute, it's gone. There, no, it's gone, it was just the light. Yeah. It's just, oh, no, I'm sure it was a shadow, just a shad... Fucking shadows! I hate shadows. Hmm? So... do you know where the people are? There are some people in the other room. I'm just... Going to see the people. I'm gonna see da people. See, haaa! Married couple, Trudy and Ivan Dodd, work together at their highly successful theatrical wig emporium in the West End of London. They have a hectic schedule, fitting wigs for film stars, television personalities and personal clients. It's hard work, but for the Dodds, it's a labour of love. I suppose to many people we have what must seem a very glamorous life, making wigs for international film stars and television personalities. But what you'll be seeing, however glamorous it may appear, is for my wife, Trudy and I, just another working day. Of course our lives could be very glamorous indeed, film premiers, showbiz parties, but we're always so incredibly busy here at Get Knotted, it's often just not possible to find the time. Yesterday, for example, Ivan had to personally hand finish six wigs for the new Harry Potter in the morning, and then he had Stephen Gately in the afternoon. And that was a quiet day. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to get off here, my arse has gone to sleep. Morning Carole-Anne. Morning Trudy, morning Ivan. What a day! This is Carole-Anne, she's been with us since day one. Obviously she's not just a receptionist, in this business you often have to see everything and say nothing. Luckily discretion is Carole-Anne's middle name. Any messages Carole-Anne? Yes, Terry Wogan's people called, he's having problems with his new... Carole-Anne! It's... D-d-d-d-da. No, no messages. Carole-Anne, this afternoon Trudy has a private client and I'll be fitting Sir Michael West for his new play at the National. So neither of us are to be disturbed, OK? Understood, yes. Is Bruno here yet? Take a wild guess! Bruno is our assistant. Your assistant. He's from Argentina. Not that much experience, but very enthusiastic. Not as enthusiastic as you. Ah, morning Bruno. Very temperamental, these Latin types. Terry Wogan... Oh, shut up! Everything OK over there? Are you talking to me? I was just seeing if everything's all right. It's rubbish here. You might enjoy it a bit more if you speeded up a bit. Are you talking to me again? You're going at a snail's pace. What? I'm just saying, you're going at a snail's pace. I ain't got a snail's face! Why don't you just try running? Are you Kelly Holmes? What I mean... But are you Kelly Holmes, though? Look, all I'm saying is... But is your name Kelly Holmes? Look. But is your name Kelly Holmes, though? If you just... On your passport, right... What? On the page marked "name"... Look. Is your name Kelly Holmes, though? No, my name is not Kelly Holmes. Well, shut up then. Well, there you go, that's a lot better. Now, why don't you try and maintain that speed for about ten minutes?