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The Chaser's War On Everything 2007 -

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A very big hello and good

evening. Thank you for joining

us right around the country.

Welcome to the war for another week as we celebrate

Australia's latest tourist

attraction. Queensland's got

the Big Pineapple. NSW has got

the Big Banana and Tasmania is

about to get the big ugly pulp

mill. It is going ahead. Move

aside Boonie's mo and Steve

Randell's finger. The first

thing that's pulped is Peter

Garrett's credibility. He

supported the mill as much as

the Liberals did. The mill is

going to be run by a company

called Gunn's and I would have

thought after Port Arthur the

Tasmanians would have been wary

of anything called guns. Very

few of the locals want the

mill. The good news is it's

going to be run in Beaconsfield

so there's a good chance it

will collapse and shut down.

The main concern is where the

effluent is to go. I have

rerouted the pipeline so it

doesn't go into the Bass Strait

trbleings comes out at Malcolm

Turnbull's house. It wasn't

easy work but it now goes into

to the pool at his mansion.

Also this week, a big

television scandal. Juicy scandal involving 'Australian

Idol'. I don't know if you

heard about this it's alleged

Channel Ten is in the pocket of

Hillsong church because four of

the seven remaining idol

finalists are in Hillsong.

Daniel, Ben, Tarisai and Matt.

It balances out because Kyle

Sandilands is clearly the

devil. Apparently Hillsong

members are in filtrating lots

of TV shows under the radar.

There are lots of tell-tale

signs. The main clue is they

love to break into song for no

reason. We're talking about

people like Darryl Somers. Paul

McDermott and this guy as

well. Please tell me it's not

true. Is this right, Andrew?

Are you from Hillsong? Nothing

to do with me. I knew it.

They've all got the same stupid


Returning to politics and John

Howard, have you night sed, is

still refusing to name the

election date, which isn't

surprising given how badly he's

trailing in the polls. The

only thing that could save

Howard is a major terror

scare. I have noticed since

APEC security has become looser

again. Looser than peck

peck. It relaxed in our major

buildings. I founds out when I

filled in as a delivery

courier. When you're a courier,

you can walk into to a building

and deliver pretty much

anything. Just a delivery.

LOUD TICKING. What's that

ticking? I don't know. I'm

just the courier. I need a

signature. It's a bit odd. OK,


G'day, mate. Can I get you to

hold that for a secwhile I get

the paperwork right. What the

hell is it? What am I

holding? It's a sheep, mate.

It's a sheep. I'm not signing

for any sheep.

Hello. Yeah. Just got a

delivery, mate. Just a

snake. No. They said to Tel

Aviv at the front desk. No.

Can she just take it? No.

Just deliveries. What have you

got? Sorry? What have you

got? Baby boy, 10 kilos. Oh,

my goodness. You're kidding

me. Maybe if you looked after

him. I've got a few more to deliver. You guys can look

after the baby. Pig's arse. I

need your signature just there.

That's it. Thanks very much.

I am not joking.

I don't know what this is

for. Can I just get a

APPLAUSE signature?

G'day, mate. Can you sign

for this? What's in the bag?

It's a male corpse according to

this. You'll have to take it

away. Seriously? Yep. Stand


It's a miracle. APPLAUSE

# This is our last good-bye...

Here it is, the ultimate Jeff

Buckley collection with the

same 10 songs that appeared on

the previous Jeff Buckley

collection which itself was

just the same 10 songs from his

only ever record release. Here

they all are again collected on

six more identical albums,

featuring Hallelujah and also

Hallelujah. A truly redundant

box set collection. Let's

hope this really is the last

good-bye. APPLAUSE

Now guys, for someone who catches a lot of public

transport, I can tell you I

hate standing up on the bus. I

hate when someone's got bags on

the seat next to you and they

still make you stand up. I

hate the seat hogs who refuse

to slide across to the window.

The people annoy me the most

are the people who sit in

disabled seats when they are

clearly not disabled. It

offends me as a disabled

person. Are you disabled? Of

course. I'm full of

disabilities. Look at me.

No-one believes me. I hate

that. My question is how minor

a disability can you have and

still be able to play the

disabled card? Excuse me,

shouldn't you stand for the

disabled people? You're in the

disabled seat. There's disabled

people standing up. I've got a

runny nose. Thank you very

much. Who is the disabled

person? Me. I have tinea.

Sorry, I didn't know that. I

had a really big weekend. They

said I shouldn't take the E but

I did. Now I've got a huge

come-down. Do you mind? I'm

seriously disabled. Thank you.

You're right. Thanks, mate. I

am a very severe case of

hemorrhoids and I can't sit on

these chairs so I was wonder

figure you could do me a favour

and let me rest on your lap.

Have some compassion for a poor

man with hemorrhoids. I'm

handicapped and that would be

the perfect parking spot for me

if you guys don't mind moving.

Would you mind? I have really

bad tennis elbow. It's really

gamy. The tennis el bow kills.

Thanks for that.cuse me, I'm a

cripple. Can I go ahead?

Excuse me, mate, I'm a cripple,

as you can see. If I can just

push in. Excuse me, I'm a

cripple. Got my stick. I need

to push in. I'm disabled. See?

I'm a cripple. Thanks. Help me

up the stairs? I'm

handicapped. Thanks. I've got

really bad psoriasis of the

ear. Can you just give me a

piggyback? Yeah. Thanks,

mate. Very tender. Very

tender. Sorry. I've got really

sensitive skin. Could you just

cradle me, like carry me like a

baby? Baby? That's it. That's

it. Much better. Oh, shit, hang

on. Sorry, sorry. I forgot my

wallet back there. Can you take

me back down? Where is it?

Sorry, it's in my pocket.

Excuse me, hi, can I borrow

your wheelchair for a while? I

really need it. I got split

ends. Sorry, man. I got bad

plaque. Honestly, I'm double

handicapped. I have a nasally

annoying voice. Listen to it.

Listen to my voice. Please!

Have a heart!


Can I apply to get a licence,

please? Apply? You have a

ticket? No, I need one.

# I got hunger for speed

# A full throttle need

# You gotta get me on the road

# To meet my baby tonight

# With the wind in my hair

# I learn some twin engine flare #

# He's gotta a start it up

Drive in that direction

# Put the ped tool the metal

# Vroom, vroom, yeah

# Gotta drive around picking up

sluts everywhere

# I need my licence now

# You gotta get me on the road

to meet my baby tonight

# You gotta get him on the road

so he can get a blow job tonight #

I was readling on the weekend

about America's number one

albino lobby group. They're not

very happy. What's upsetting

the albeanose this time? They

sent a formal petition to

Hollywood calling for an end to

evil albinos in movies.

According to them, there have

been 68 evil albinos in movies

since 1960s. You have the evil

villain in broke back mountain

and the albino in da Vinci

code. The lobby groups think

they're type cast as crazed

murderers. They have appealed

to the studios asking them to

write more positive albino

roles. It looks like the

message might be getting

through, judging by this new

trailer. This summer, a new

superhero is about to be born.

This is our new reporter, Jimmy

Swan. A mild man rled

Mediterranean by day There's

been a mine collapse. I want

every man on it. But when duty

calls , he is...Albino Man. I

can't see a thing. My God,

what's that blinding

brightness? What he lacks

in pigmentation, he makes up

for in courage. I lost a

button from my dress.

Thank you, Albino Man. APPLAUSE

Excuse me, sir. Standing on

the wrong side of the

escalator. $75 fine. I beg

your pardon. It's just a fine

to try and enforce travelling

on the left-hand side. You're

on the wrong side. $75 fine.

Here we go, mate. Come on, we

can't walk away. We got to draw

the line somewhere and we draw

the line right down the middle

of the escalator. If your on

the right-hand side, 75. Turn

around jou. To walk back down.

Madam, it is very clear. You

went up the wrong side of the

escalator. Iishied you with an

order to come down. You've come

down the wrong side of the

escalator. That's two

infringements. $75 each. That's

$150. What! People like you

are causing chaos on our

escalators. You get your act together. You stand on the

left. These people up here are

walking up the wrong side. They're walking though.

You're standing. The other guy

was standing. I'm losing my

targets because you're causing

me trouble. I'm not. You are.

How can I be causing you

trouble? Turn around. Walk

down. Down you commu. All the

way. That's it. What side were

you on? The right side. That's

the wrong side. It's punks like

you that are causing problems

on the escalators. Purnings

like me? Come on, I wasn't

being a punk. $50. Thanks. No

worries. Thank you. I don't

believe you. To be honest, I

quite enjoy my job.

Welcome to Election Watch,

our new informative segment

that aims to keep you abreast

of the major key issues of the

upcoming election. The first

issue is African immigration.

There has been a lot of chatter

this week about Kevin Andrew's

distaste for African migrants.

A lot of uninformed

chatter. We've got our hands on

Kevin Andrew's own dossier

prepared by the Department of

Immigration and it is quite

compelling stuff. Africa, it's

a land of brutal violence where

routine killings are tolerate

by the Government every day.

Vicious thugs get around in

gangs and are treated like

heroes. Sorry, wrong slide. No,

that's the wrong one. There we

go. Correct. Erators land where

children are exploited. Where

common criminals are elected

President and where starving

families are preyed upon by

washed-up drunks. So it's no

wonder African immigration has

had such a troubled history.

When Africans were introduced

to America, they caused all

sorts of problems. They were

responsible for violence, the

forming of gangs and civil

wars. Although, mainly civil

wars in Iraq. And any attempts

to integrate them with white

culture proved disastrous. LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Meanwhile, here in Australia,

while there hasn't been nearly

as much African immigration,

it's been even more problematic. Africans are

responsible for as much as 0.8%

of the crimes committed in this

country. From property damage

to crimes against humanity. LAUGHTER FrOt frO

Well, while some may view

these findings as an election

eve stunt, nothing could be

further from the truth. If the

Libs were try to win the

election, they wouldn't get rid

of Africans, thated get rid of

Kevin Andrews. Wherever

Africans have been introduced,

they are the subject of social

dislocation, mass unemployment

and a drain on the economy. The

solution is obvious - slavery.

Which of course the Government

is already working on. Thank

you very much.


get to work in the segment

where we fix all the world's

problems. The first problem

this week, big one, Mr Potato

Head. This guy is the new drug

mule. He was busted at Sydney

Airport carrying 10 ounces of

ecstasy tablets. He's a drug

Lord from way back. You've only

got to look at some of the

photos to too see some of his

clients. He's not in it alone.

Why else do you think Thomas

the tank engine has smoke

coming out of him? Since Mr

Potato Head was busted, he's

finding a lot harder to sell

ecstasy on the street. Guys,

you want to score? $50 a pill,

man. $50? Yeah, you bet. Can

I have a look? You've had

some? No. You've had a hug.

How about an E? That's

fuckin' bank robbery. Wlots

what's going on? The importing

costs. They're pretty high. Pay

up or I'll reryping your face.

Say yes to E. $50 a pill. Come

on, man. Get the fuck away

from me. Your not setting a

good example for my child. I'm

a honest potato trying to make

a dishonest living. This is

ridiculous. You want your kid

to be happy? You are full of

shit. I'm full of Es, not

shit. Do you realise the

street value of that? You are

a disgrace. You definitely

need an E. The next problem

isker y packer. Now we hear the

packer family compound in Sydney is getting around the

water restrictions by using

water whenever they like by

using water they have bought

from a 3rd-party supplier.

They are legally allow ed to do

it. We're not impressed by

their supplier. We reckon we

could surprise water just as

well, the only way we know

how. We're the new 3rd party

provider of water around here. APPLAUSE

Fairly juvenile but deeply

satisfying, all the same. Our

final problem this week is the

homeless. I read a sobering

statistic that Australians

spend time times as much money

on gambling as they do on

charity and help the needy. We

much prefer spending money on

pokies or the races than

helping out the homeless. As

always, the fixers have come up

with a solution. Spare any

change? Help me get fare to

get home. Barry is homeless.

We tried to raise money for

him. We figured the way to do

it is turn him into a poky.

That's the way Australians give

out money. Do I get it back?

It's just like the pokies so

probably not. Ding, ding,

ding. Loser! You're fought a

problem gambler, are you? No.

He is. That's how he's ended up

this way. Winner! Winner! You've actually made a profit

out of a homeless person. How

do you feel about that? Bad, I

guess. Winner! Winner! You've

won. Well-done done. Are you

going to take $20 away from a

homeless person? Yes,

absolutely. Alright. OK. APPLAUSE

Monday night on 'Four

Corners', have our roads become

a fatal playground for illegal

drag racers? Chris Masters

reports on the new underground

culture of funeral hearse

hoons. We've disturbed to find

the horse drivers race each

other on the way to funerals,

sometimes at speeds of up to 10

sometimes at speeds of up to 10

km/h. We've got two dead

bodies on the scene. I'm not

sure it was the crash that

killed them. Hearse or curse.

That's Monday night on 'Four


It is ad road test time

again, where we scrutinise the

world of TV advertising. I'm

pleased to report it's a

supersized double helping this

week. With extra cheese or

should I say extra oats. The

first ad is this delightful

piece of commercial copywriting

from uncle toB's. Have you

tried this? They're made from

oats. Do you know oats are

rich in beta gluccen to help

lower cholesterol re

absorption. That's gotta be

good. That's what I call

journalism. Not since the

Indonesian tsunami have I seen

such sensitively handled vox

pops. Everyone was fascinated

by the cereal and blown away by

its taste. But would you get

the same response in the real world? Excuse me, have you

tried these? I'm fine. I

haven't. No interest? No.

Are you interested in Oat

Brits? Oat Brits for you? Is

anybody interested in Oat

Brits? Why aren't you

interested this dry papery

cereal? Do you know they're

rich in beta gluccen which

lowers cholesterol re

absorption? Would you like Oat

Brits? No. O-I really think

you should try some Oat

Brits. That was not in the ad.

That is not in the ad. What a

difference a couple of weeks

make. The community's done a

U-turn on the question of Oat

Brits. A lot of anti- Oat sentiment. Enough of the

appetiser. Let's move to the

main course. The next ad we are

putting to the test is the

latest campaign for cable TV

network Fox. It's a pretty

arty well-made affair, unlike

just about everything on Foxtel

and the premise seems to be you

can experience life a lot more

richly by rolling everywhere

rather than walking. You can

even roll on walls apparently.

It's fantastic advice. It's so

practical too Who hasn't

wanted to roll to the shops to

buy Oat Brits. In the ad,

no-one seems to blink at all

while this rolling body hurtles

towards them. Not a flicker of concern but what would happen

if you carried on like that in real life?

SONG: # # Wanna see

# The sun is rising for you...

Yes! Who are you? Oh, God.

God, this hurts.

Are you alright? Look out.

Excuse me, mate. Just trying to

catch the ferry. Look out. What

are you doing? What's all

this traffic? Excuse me. Watch feet are getting burned.

Push me.

Look out.


That brings us to the end of

another show. You can pod cast

the entire episode by going to We'll catch

you again, that's Hillsong this

Sunday. Oh, what a give-away.

Goodnight. Closed Captions by CSI

Some fresh air. It's a

miracle. Are you right to

keep going?

Well, I've had Celine for 12 years. She's past it now, but in her day she was quite the performer. She and I did trick shows. We'd do little shows together with the hoops. And hoopies. Go through. Come on. Hoopies. Come through. Hoopies. She might need some encouragement. Come through the hoop, Celine, come through the hoop. Good. There we go. That's what she does. She jumped four to five metres above the ground with a run-up. She'd just dive through it. She'd run, run, run, run, run and she'd go through the hoop and down. She used to do a trick where she'd grab onto my arm. She'd bite onto the sleeve and I'd swing her around. We used to do multiplication tricks, a little trick where I'd give her a simple multiplication sum. Two times three is... (Whispers) Six. Go. Step it out. One, two... Step it out. Come on. Three, four, five, six. Well done. And she loves a bit of a swing, don't you? Swing. Swing. And the wonderful thing is out she comes, can she walk? Yes, she can. But she'll go to the side. Because of the dizziness that she gets. See? Ooh, ooh. Oh, no. That's not the front. Go the front. Do you want a smack? You'll get one. There we go. Ooh. That's what happens when you leave her to do something on her own. THEME MUSIC Well, the shit has well and truly hit the fan this week. There's been some major, major creative interference with the arena spectacular. Annabel Dickson's parents have read the script and they've decided that I cannot use their daughter's story for my musical. 10 days out from opening night. I just cannot fathom the selfishness of it. So I've spent the last couple of days, strapped myself to the beast, and I think I may have come up with something. Have you done near the canteen? Yes.

I'll be focussing more on the Mr G character and looking at his influence on the kids and their drugs and whatnot. And these are the posters that we've had done. We're going with 'Mr G: The Musical' as the name of the show. (Sings) # My name is Mr G # Three talents One, two, three... #

Sell it out to me, please. Play to the arena. (Sings) # Dancing and acting is my life... # The character of Mr G in this new re-worked show he's a Jesus-type figure, if you like. He preaches to the kids about their issues. (Sings) # In a world of crazy kids... # But he can't help young Jessica, who's similar to the Annabel character. She gets involved in drugs and she eventually dies of an overdose at the end of act two. She doesn't listen to Mr G's advice. (Sings) # At Summer Heights High. # Up, please, hoisters.

So you guys might want to look to that, get some ideas, ask me for any advice. We've got the stretch limo with sunroof in the black. So the nightclub's called Blind and it's really cool. And the DJ is so good. Really? Is he hot? Awesome. He's one of the most expensive DJs in the country. Wow. And we're gonna have him at our formal. This is seriously unbelievable, Ja'mie, you've done the best job. I know how to plan a good formal. I told you. Yeah. At first I thought it was a bit, like, pricey and stuff. But considering the venue... $450's good. We'll go and sell tickets at lunch again. Grab one of these. We will have to split up. We're on the committee, we don't have to buy tickets, right? No, we're not buying tickets. No, we're doing so much work. Committee members do not buy tickets. Oh, my God, guys. Issue. I had a girl come up to me in the playground asking me whether she could go to the formal with another girl. Are you serious? And not as a joke thing. Like an actual lesbian? Full on lesbian, yeah.

I just don't think we should be letting them come. Like, I don't want to be a bitch but I just feel like there might be an easier way that we can discourage them. Like we could say to them, "We'd prefer it if you didn't come."

I reckon lesbians are really in at the moment. Like, there's some really hot lesbian photo shoots and everything. It'd be really accepting of us. We're gonna drag things down. Like, we've got the most awesome night planned. But the thing is... I don't want to be, like, upstaged by a bunch of dykes. Tamsin Walker. Have you seen her? Is she a lesbian? Yeah, she's hot. With the black hair. Yeah, I know her. Yeah. All the guys love her. She's really hot. They love her. And when you think about it, like, do you want this formal to be remembered? Like, to stand out? Serious. I guess it's cool, but I for one do not want to see Tamsin Walker pashing some chick on the dance floor at our formal.

Yeah, I see where you're coming from, but... Shut up, does everyone reckon it will be cool if the lesbians came? Yeah, I think it's fine. If you can guarantee me it's a cool thing... Well, I'm telling you I reckon it's cool. And it's gonna make us look good, then I think we should do it. Yeah. Ashley, could you write that down, "All lesbians allowed to the formal." Tell them at lunch time. We'll go find them at lunch and tell them. We'll tell them. That's that issue sorted. Let's get on with the rest of it. Dresses - when are we shopping and where? If you're getting extensions done, you need to start planning.


(All chant) APPLAUSE They're dickheads. Well, that was fantastic, wasn't it? Very stirring. Hey, look, that little one's laughing again. Fucken kill the little fucker. I'm gonna bash the shit out of that little fucker. Fuck Paedophile Pete for making us do this shit. Before we finish I'd like to thank again our special celebrity guest today, Trevor the winner of 'Big Brother 4'. Thank you very much. APPLAUSE

That's right. Now, some of the boys have put together a hip-hop song with a music video clip to go with it.

Watch out MTV, this is Jonah Takalua's rap song 'Being A Poly'. HIP-HOP BEAT PLAYS (Raps) # Yo! Yo! # I'm a Fob, I'm a Fob # All I know is big bad school # But when I fuck up I lose my cool # Polynesian, I'm a Fob, I'm a Fob # I come from the islands and that's no excuse # My culture is better than any of youse # Polynesian, I'm a Fob, I'm a Fob # Being a Poly, oh, my golly # Just because I'm black it's better than that # Being a Poly, oh, my golly # Polynesian. # APPLAUSE

Fucken little homo. (Sings) # The smell of children # The smell of children together

# The smell of life. # Greg's really feeling the strain at the moment. You can stop dancing and sit down, please. It's not some entertainment service for you. We weren't expecting such major script changes

and the time hasn't been allowed, so we really are running a bit behind. Keep the flipping door shut please! I don't want Celine running onto the road.

I can tell he's really stressed because he tends to yell a bit more and I find that he does tend to take it out on me and the kids a fair bit. Rodney, press play please. It's not that hard. Bloody Toby could do it. What do you call that? You look like a bloody brain dead retard. Jesus Christ, only a mother could love it. Do you realise you look like a moron onstage? Oh, yes, I always get like this in the final stretch. The kids know that I don't mean most of what I say. I'm really a big pussycat. That is where the second syringe is going. I am using the gym as a theatre. Jesus Christ. Greg, language, mate. I'm not interested in your opinion about my language, Rodney, right now. I don't care. Tell someone who cares. This is coming down and that's going. I'm sick of PE and I'm sick of them taking over my bloody gym. And I'm sick of all of it. And I'm sick of you giving me your stupid opinions and saying your stupid things into my face. And I'm sick of your voice, Rodney. Why don't you take a chill pill, idiot?

(Whispers) They're all fuckwits. There they are. Tamsin. Er, and your friends. I need to tell you something. Hi, I'm Ja'mie, probably know that. Hi. We just wanted to let you know that the formal committee has decided that lesbians can come to the formal. So, er, come along, get some tickets, they're $450, and we'll see you on the night. Thanks. Thanks. See you. Bye. That went really well. Yeah, it did. I'm so glad it was quick. I always think she's cracking onto me. She's really hot, though. Intoze. Fuck off, year sevens. Nice little rap song you had this morning. It was real good. Fuck off. At least I can rap.

And your little grass skirts, they were so cute. At least we can dance, motherfucker. You wish. You dance for shit. You looked gay. You can't even break-dance for shit. Hey, me and Liam need some Polynesian advice. We're developing some man boobs, what should we do? You want a Polynesian smash? Your mother's the one with man boobs, motherfucker. Why don't you go hang out at Gumnut Cottage with the lovely Miss Palmer. Why don't you fuck your own arse?! So, you actually can't read at all at the age 13? That explains why your rap lyrics are so crap. Fuck you, motherfucker. Fuck you, Kieran. Get off him! Fuck off. Want the fucken shoe? Who wants a fucken shoe? Give it back. Jonah Takalua, get here now. Go get it yourself, motherfucker! Jonah, come here. Miss, you didn't even see. What's going on? It wasn't him. You didn't even see. He provoked me. I did see. Excuse me, I saw that. You didn't even see. You, be quiet. Tell him, boys. I don't care what he said, Jonah, I am not impressed. It's four eyes against one. He tripped over, Miss. PERIOD BELL RINGS That's the bell. PE students, get out. Gym's mine as of now. Out. Careful with that ball on my set. Take them out. You're freaking out my dog. For the run on my show I need the basketball hoop gone. Greg, PE is still using the space. You cannot remove the basketball ring. And as for the idea of painting the gym floor white, that's absolutely ludicrous and out of the question. There's a more important issue. I've had a note from a parent. According to this mother you called her daughter a 'walrus'. And you said, "You were glad that you had reinforced the stage, "or she might have fallen through." I was referring to Hanna Austin. And I think in that case it's a legitimate concern. Sorry, Greg, it's not acceptable, OK? I want you to apologise to Hanna and to any other students you may have offended.

And get on with doing what you do well, and that is producing a fantastic performance that you're going to do. Fine. What about my arena seating?

Well, it costs me $5,000 to hire the seating. And we manage on speech night, don't we? Where we have chairs on the gym floor. I've advertised it as an arena spectacular. I need arena seating. I'm not putting them on the floor for God's sake. Greg, you know we have limitations in terms of money in public schools. Well, everything I ask for you just refuse because it's drama and you don't care and you're too busy with your sport and your library and your... That's not fair and I'm getting sick of you doing your old sulking act. We're not going to disrupt the whole life of PE and everyone else for your grandiose plans. Can I just remind you, Margaret,

that I have my resignation letter in my pigeon hole waiting to go. And I don't want to have to use it but I will use it. Don't push me, Margaret. I'll go, you'll have no performing arts centre, you're gonna have no production, no media exposure. I'll just be gone. I've got to do what I can do within the constraints of our funds.

I'm just asking you to have a think about your future with me, and know that if you keep getting in my way I will have no hesitation in bringing that letter in here and resigning. I just want you to know that. Oh, come on. Be reasonable. I'm being reasonable. You're the one who's not giving me what I want. Think about it. I could be gone like that. I tend to believe that Kieran is the innocent one in this situation.

You've all been on his case since the junior school... I am warning you. Since the junior school dance this whole nonsense has been going on, alright? And I'm absolutely sick of it. It revolves around these ridiculous turf wars that exist over the amphitheatre. You do not own the amphitheatre. Do I make myself clear? It's not about that, Miss. It's not about that. Excuse me. Nor are you allowed to use your size to bully other students. I don't, Miss. It's not about bullying him. He started shit. What's it about then, huh? He was teasing me. Oh, teasing you, Jonah? He was being racist. Do you know what? I think you're big enough to take a little bit of teasing. Your problem is, Jonah, that you can certainly dish it out

but you can't take it, can you?

He made fun of me not being able to read, Miss. I don't care. Do you know how we're gonna solve this issue? How, Miss? You're all banned from the amphitheatre. This is fucked up, Miss. Oh, bullshit, Miss. That's it. No more. And if I catch you even remotely close to the amphitheatre, this issue will go to Ms Murray. Now, I'm pretty sure that you don't want your dad finding out about this, do you, Jonah? Do you? No, Miss. No. And in addition to that you will stay at least 10 metres away from all year seven students at all times, alright? Yes, Miss. No, go and find the cleaner, get the ladder and get the shoe off the roof. Yes, Miss. Keep away from them, alright? Well, he rang me last night. He rang me last night and he said he was gonna come with me. Who is Patrick and how come I don't know about this? It's the guy in the wheelchair. The wheelchair guy? He's hot, Jess. It's such a good look going with a disabled guy. Yes. Yeah. You'll get heaps of cred for, like, being sympathetic and stuff. Yep, yep. And he's totally hot, so you get, like, the best of both worlds. Wheelchairs is such a good visual, though. Like, when you arrive. Oh, my God. I went with a black guy to my year 10 formal for the same reason. Everyone was like, "Oh, wow." Would have turned out well. It's gonna be really good for the photos. It's really good for the late night ditch. Yeah. Seriously, guys, we have to dump our partners after the formal. Yep, for the after party. So, how are you taking? I don't know yet. As if you don't know who you want to take. I don't know. I haven't noticed someone. I've heard stuff from people that Henry is saving himself for you.