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The Glass House -

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(generated from captions) time is running out... VOICEOVER: Ahead in the Glass House, So, Minister, Australia on the world stage? what's it really like representing details, I mean, it depends on, I'm not going into all of the know all about the details, you know, you'd have to into all the details. and I'm simply not going LAUGHTER

THEME MUSIC APPLAUSE welcome to the Glass House. G'day, folks, The program that asks the question, scream during child birth, "If Katie Holmes wasn't allowed to it for the wedding?" "do you think she's saving LAUGHTER Kidman, and Keith this week. More news than Cruise, Katie,

described as a 'thumpin', In what President Dubya both houses of congress and the Democratic Party is running big khaki boot. Donny Rumsfeld got the control of two countries. This means George has now lost

LAUGHTER really damaged Bush - The Democrats have congressmen than he can count up to. they've confused him by having more

LAUGHTER part of the responsibility, He said he accepted a large then he blamed everybody else. party, he blamed the Democrats, He blamed corrupt members of his own he blamed voters and last but not least, "who don't know what's going on" LAUGHTER Democrat himself. Which means, he may have voted LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

Human Services Minister, Joe Hockey, for the access card wants suggestions for a name we're all getting in 2008. "The Invasion of Privacy Card"? How about, "The Freedom Card"? MUTED LAUGHTER "The Democracy Card"? Card of Love"? "The Friendly, Smiley, Happy, LAUGHTER The card will be split between personal information official data and we can put on it ourselves. our shopping list on it. Hockey said we could even put buy fertiliser or felafel. And I'll only dob you in if you

LAUGHTER citing irreconcilable differences. Britney filed for divorce from Kevin She's rich and famous, and he isn't. LAUGHTER gets to keep 750,000 copies Brit keeps the house and K-Fed

of his unsold album. LAUGHTER custody of the kids - He's also vowed to fight for He'll take them during the week them on the weekend. and she'll get to drop LAUGHTER wants to slash water consumption by At Parliament House, a bureaucrat

policy. It's the old - getting MPs to adopt a no-flush if it's brown, flush it down." "If it's yellow, let it mellow, similar slogan - The government uses a if it's Bob Brown, vote him down." "If it's Costello, let him mellow, LAUGHTER look the other way, They also believe that if it's green, and if it's black, don't say sorry. LAUGHTER Corinne Grant! APPLAUSE Law enforcement news, Ivan Wil-lat, the Australian Federal Police a new analysis of spending by than $30,000 on coloured pencils. has found they shelled out more terror alert goes from orange to red It may seem extreme, but when the boy, are they ready! LAUGHTER expenditure is valid. The AFP insists the it just would have been If they hadn't bought the pencils, $50,000 on colouring in books. a waste of taxpayers' money spending

LAUGHTER were used at career expos As spokesman said, the pencils for recruiting new staff. recruit over 500 seven year olds. Apparently, they've managed to LAUGHTER function in airport security - And they insist the pencils have a pencil get a body search. travellers who match the brown LAUGHTER Dave Hughes! Don't shoot the messenger. APPLAUSE How are ya? Oh! this week! I am officially flabbergasted Extraordinary news! Oh, gracious. Telstra shares and people have gone The federal government's selling Everyone's buying 'em! berserk over it! into the Iraq property market Apparently it was too hard to get for Telstra shares! and they had to settle many people want these shares! Seriously, it's unbelievable how Telstra shares. My question, why?! They're very, very, wanted these

They're rubbish! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER have halved in value in 5 years, They were last time, the last shares buying double the amount. that's why people this time are Seriously, I mean, LAUGHTER are Telstra executives. the only people not buying 'em let other people have them. They've decided, "No, we'll "We'll be selfless." LAUGHTER in the country are buying 'em, Seriously though, even people buying Telstra shares, in the countryside they're blankets and wood and matches. they'd be better off buying be able to bloody make calls The only way they're going to is through smoke signals! Anyway, thank you. APPLAUSE Alright, let's get to it.

The Glass House tonight, to throw some stones in Joining me, Corinne and Dave

he's the king of the Deal-a-drome Day on Saturday 25 November, and an ambassador for White Ribbon Andrew O'Keefe. And the freedom fighter state of South Australia - who brought democracy to the lawless Senator Natasha Stott Despoja.

Alright, movers and shakers, first up across NSW 50,000 public schoolteachers write and say about students have been warned to watch what they sue for defamation. because the kids might

so much like America, Australia is becoming was running the place. you'd think Bush sued as much as doctors. Eventually, teachers are going to be of their mistakes. opportunities to get rid And they don't have the same 'moody' or 'grumpy', If you call a student, 'dopey', especially if they're a dwarf. you could scar them for life, about you, Dave, no-one has a bad word to say

would you have sued your teachers? nasty towards me, yes, they were. Yeah, a couple of them were quite They called me lazy. What had you done, though? They didn't know that I knew I was gonna be a comedian and I didn't need any maths and that rubbish. I had a plan from the age of, yeah, young. I find it interesting that they're seeking to sue for defamation. I used to be a lawyer for a while, and I know that in order to prove defamation, the student has to prove that by saying the things they've said that the teacher has reduced the public opinion of that student, right? Now, if you're a 15 year old, you are lazy, you stink, you're a compulsive masturbator, you're surly, how is it possible to reduce the public opinion of you? I think we more got an insight into you as a 15 year old. I like that you were a lawyer for a "little while". All that study. How long did you study to become a lawyer? I studied for nine years. I practiced for three. I quickly realised it's very boring. "Look, I've done almost a decade of study, "and dedicated my life to it, and now I'm a trained lawyer,

"you know what I'd really like to do - "let people guess what's in a suitcase." Well... People often ask me, "When did you decide to become a gameshow host?" The simple reason is you don't decide, you're born to it. I knew from a very early age I wanted to spend the rest of my life opening little briefcases stashed full of cash. I had two options - join the Australian Wheat Board or get into television. A lot of people say that. Natasha has just asked if you could do a political version. Could you do a political version of 'Deal or No Deal'? I think it happened recently between Howard and Costello. You are wasted on 'Deal or No Deal'. Natasha, what were you like at school, did you know you wanted to be a politician?

No, but I recently had my 20th school reunion, a few weeks ago

and isn't it surprising, I'm a senator, and they said, "We knew you'd be a politician." So I'm not sure if that's a nice thing or a bad thing. If they said (Acrimonious voice) "We knew you'd be a politician!" I would pick bad thing. If they went (Happy voice) "We always thought you'd be a politician!" It was more like that. Do you go around sucking up to people every three years or something? Actually, I'm in the Senate, so every six. But, um... Our next movers and shakers come from the US and UK where worried parents are now putting babies just a few months old into therapy. "Oh, look, he's got his father's neuroses." But what's a stressed infant gonna say? "My parents don't understand me." Learn to talk, you lazy baby. It's about teaching parents simple ways to deal with problems. One mother, whose baby wasn't bonding was told to take off her glasses so the baby could see her eyes.

Another one whose baby was having trouble feeding was told to take off her bra so the kid wouldn't have to suck so hard. It's good to help them get over this phase of life now. Or they could end up still babies at the age of 25 and married...to Bec Cartwright. Andrew, you're a proud dad. Would you put your kids into therapy? Well, no, not at the prices they charge. That woman who took her baby to bonding therapy, they had a three-week intensive course of bonding,

and it cost her 29,000 pounds, right? You'd be better off buying another one, wouldn't you? One that's not so messed up, yeah. Absolutely. I don't begrudge them the therapy. As a parent, I know how you actually mess your kids up

by the way you raise them. What about parents? I think we're the ones that need the therapy because after you've mainlined 'Wiggles' for months.

It's like... (Sings) # Johnny works with one hammer... # And you just... # Hot potato, hot potato... # I mean, you need therapy after that. Do you think having a child is like having a life sentence?

Do you ever think "There's no way out here?" Hang on. Hang on. I'm in parliament, and I'm a Democrat, and you think a baby is a life sentence. I don't think so. NATASHA: I, um...

I like the idea of...I'm, kind of, partial to the therapy. But I'm happy to be the one that provides it, you know? Like, "How are we feeling today, feeling well adjusted, sweetie?" "Coochy-coochy-coo, who's a well adjusted baby?" LAUGHTER That'd certainly calm me down. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Somehow I think it would have the opposite effect on you, Dave. But do you ever, do you ever... ..like, I mean, 'cause sometimes you notice with newborn parents... Well, yeah, parents of newborns. Parents of newborns. That they, you know, they start to talk like that in the rest of their lives. Do you have to be really careful not to baby-speak when you're on the, like, the floor of the parliament. Absolutely, I mean, like, "Coochy-coochy stem-cell bill. "I'd like to address the plurapotency "of stem-cell therapies." LAUGHTER No, I mean, it didn't quite work like that in the vote. But, yeah, absolutely. When some of the other senators dribble, do you want to go over there and, sort of... LAUGHTER No. Just go over to Tony Abbott and go, "Who's got big ears?

"You've got big ears!" LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE "Look at those ears! You have!" Your little child Conrad, he's got parents of two very different political persuasions, doesn't he? I'm so glad you brought that up! He's...yeah, this is it, he's going to be completely torn between a father who's, sort of, neocon, and I'm con radical, sort of, side, so between... CORINNE: This is taking the non-biased thing a bit far. Actually, one of our friends thought that we named him Conrad, because it was conservative plus radical. LAUGHTER Oh, yeah. Yeah. We've got really clever friends. Your kid is going to be messed up. He's going to be really messed up. Absolutely. So, more Wiggles. So, what team is he going to barrack for? Do you think? What team? In terms of politics? Yeah. Oh, I reckon he'll rebel, I think he'll, you know...

..join the Labor Party, or - oh, God, the Nationals! No! LAUGHTER Keep him away from Barnaby on Glass House. Hmmm... Awww... LAUGHTER I like Barnaby!

You do like Barnaby, too. I do like Barnaby! You and Barnaby, like, I think you've bonded. Haven't you? We have bonded. Barnaby and I are bonded.

Barnaby went in to bat for this show, as well, didn't he? He did, he did. Yeah. Yeah. So, good on you, Barnaby, if you're watching. If you're not...well, that's a bit ironic, isn't it? You know? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Our favourite movers and shakers, this week, are the great political minds behind the phenomenon of attack ads. They're standard procedure in American campaigns, and now they're coming to an Australian election near you.

VOICEOVER: So what kind of man parties with Playboy Playmates in lingerie, then films political ads from a church pew.

STATIC VOICEOVER: Bob... VOICEOVER: Has spent your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia. Ron Kind pays for sex... ..but not for soldiers. CROWD LAUGHS AND GROANS And that's nothing. After Michael J Fox came out in support of a pro-stem-cell research candidate, a talkback host accused him of exaggerating his Parkinson's. The same guy also accused Christopher Reeve of only pretending to be dead. LAUGHTER The attack bug's spreading here, too. Howard's record on interest rates. The ALP have released this ad about JOHN HOWARD: Who do you trust?

Who do you trust?

Who do you trust? always so pleased to see him. That explains why Bush is LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE like to attacked in politics. Senator, you might know what it's Is it getting worse? here as it is in America. Well, it's certainly not as bad copping everything But given that we're

politics...bring it on. that America does in for some of those ads in Australia. I just...I just can't wait Can you imagine it? CORINNE: Really? at the last election, Like, you know, last year, was doing his voicemail messages. when John Howard which was like, And I saw one of those American ads, the one on one fantasy line. "Hey, sexy. You've called that be for the Liberal Party? "Call me." I mean, how good would LAUGHTER

that he'd get out of it. Think of the votes

hands with the member for my pants? (Imitates John Howard) Want to shake LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE (Laughs) Ewwww! Ewww... my tax package - it's 10% bigger. (Imitates John Howard) Oh, touch LAUGHTER Oh, there's an image I didn't need. But those American ads really are... aren't they? ..I mean, they're quite disgraceful, met the Playboy Bunny, I mean... That one where they were saying he'd In the South. He was the first black candidate... ..in the South, that's right.. to run in Tennessee. ..since the Civil War, basically, you know, that black men So, they're running this agenda, Playboy Bunnies - vote against this. are suddenly hanging out with premise of the ad, as well. White Playboy Bunnies was the White Playboy Bunnies. air, and they put another one on. But then they pulled that ad off the appeared on the ad, And every time his face in the background, they'd have tom-tom drums bom-bom-bom-bom... going bom-bom-bom-bom, DAVE: Really? first 10 minutes of 'Shaka Zulu'? I mean, why didn't they just run the we don't like no black people (Southern accent) "Say, "representin' us round here." CORINNE: Isn't that terrible?

It's just extraordinary! It's horrible, isn't it? But it's the only profession with negative ads. in which we'd get away by truth in advertising legislation, Because everyone else is covered but not politicians. Ronald McDonald was just on the TV, Wouldn't it be good if shit in their burgers!" going, "Hungry Jacks LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE AND CHEERING about a political system There is something seriously flawed are not allowed to lie, where we, the general public, are allowed to lie but our politicians for that whatsoever. and there's no punishment for example, and say, You can stand up in parliament, when they're NOT. "Someone's the head of the ACTU," and no-one ever... you like in parliament Or you can make up whatever crap in parliament? Do you have crap said about you privilege, we can say anything. Well, I mean, parliamentary said about you? of the most hurtful things someone But, I mean...oh, yeah. What is one Natasha 'Snot' Despoja? Has anyone ever called you I've had 'Spot Destroyer'. Spot Destroyer? a spotty dress. Yeah. 'Cause I was wearing Someone thought that was very funny. What, are you killing dogs? One of the silliest I think was, I think... (Chuckles) Senator Amanda Vanstone, your friend and mine, when I was with the Democrats who sort of, you know, had a go and she said, and Cheryl Kernow was Leader party," or something like that. "Oh, too many blondes in that you know, I'm pretty self-righteous, And of course, I stood up - and said, "Point of Order. you know, feminist, girly sort - And... "Don't think that's very nice." RAUCOUS LAUGHTER You socked it to 'em. of order, "That's not very nice"? Now, can I - is an official point Can you use that?

Point of Order - you are!

LAUGHTER "Oh, I'm sorry, But she came back and she said, "I didn't mean that to be offensive. blonde is something bad "I'm not suggesting that being dye her hair that colour." "otherwise why would the Senator

a real blonde? Oh, she claimed that you weren't ALL: Awwww. I know, the cheek of it.

Like, her mouth was full at the time. That's what you thought she said. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING That's low. She was... fat and wasn't fat at all. She was, you know, pretending to be

Oh... LAUGHTER Well, bloody, SHE STARTED IT. LAUGHTER Democrats did an attack-ad once. Who? CORINNE: On you?

we did - Yeah. In 2001, when I was Leader, the two dogs barking campaign? I don't know if anyone remembers Pretty vicious. was Cheryl Kernow. I know, I thought your attack-ad and a picture of Howard We had a picture of Beazley barking, as the noise over the top, in the Parliament talking and just and it comes - we say, you know, was a bit like two dogs barking? "Did you ever think that politics 'cause we're all alternative." "Well, vote for the Democrats,

a really vicious - phew. I mean, it was just Yeah. What, what...

sound like dogs. Um-ah. 'Cause the others of animal are the Democrats? What are you guys? What sort

Oh, yeah. Is it a fluffy little kitten? know, koalas or something like... They're like little cute, I don't ..you know, 'cause we're Australian. really soon. animals that aren't gonna exist They're like one of those endangered LAUGHTER you wouldn't say that. Oh, I was so hoping APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Natasha Stott Despoja sues the ABC Later in The Glass House, Wil Anderson's thongs. for making her sit next to for about half an hour. there where I held my breath I think there were a few moments LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE John 'I've-Got-An-Election-to-Win' Howard, takes out a restraining order against 'George Lame-Duck Bush.'

It does show that our relationship has moved on. LAUGHTER And Kim Beazley reveals the two words most frequently uttered by Labor supporters at 6:01pm on voting day. We're late. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our beloved Prime Minister heads to Vietnam tomorrow For the APEC summit. Ahhh, APEC, you go for the politics, you stay for the outfits.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

SCREAMING LAUGHTER Next year's summit is in Sydney, which means we have to provide the overseas leaders

with some traditional Australian clobber. Maybe it should be simple like a T-shirt. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Maybe a nod to our glorious past, with a modern twist. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Maybe it shouldn't be clothing at all. LAUGHTER Or maybe it should just be the classic Aussie look we're famous for around the world. LAUGHTER I think maybe we should go something a little bit more traditional, maybe an apron with boobs on it. Nice. Why do they even have these meetings? Honestly, what is achieved? What the freak happens at APEC? Exactly. Haven't they got phones? Just ring each other, you know? Why do they have to actually meet? If they cancel these APEC meetings, the whole rayon industry is going to go out of business. I don't understand why they always hold them in tropical countries. You know, Kuala Lumpur one year, Jakarta then Sydney, and they're always wearing 90% rayon. It's like they've got their own little micro-climates going on in their shirts. If they want to stop global warming, just cancel APEC, I reckon. They could actually power the whole thing just on static electricity. They're all, they're just junkets aren't they, really? They'd all be hanging out at strip clubs at night. Well... If any of them come, does anyone in our region even like us anymore? Fiji hates us, the Solomon Islands hate us, Tasmania hates us. LAUGHTER It's not because they hate us that we've never had an APEC in Australia before.

Why is it? It's because world leaders have been terrified of having to wear a Ken Done shirt. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE What actually happens at APEC? Anything? Oh, Corinne, lots of chats about trade liberalisation, bird flu, climate change. It's, you know, a big deal. They all talk shit and go home, basically. Does it achieve anything?

Like, because it's going to cost, like, hundreds of millions of dollars. They could do it by video conference, do it for bugger all. And they could reduce their carbon emissions, yeah. They wouldn't have to fly around, but Howard says he's going to take climate change to the top of the political agenda. Today the headline in the paper said that John Howard had said that he was going to lead on climate change. That's like saying, "Hey, everyone,

"have you watched this really cool show, 'Family Ties'?"

LAUGHTER It's a bit like Churchill leading on Gallipoli, isn't it? But I love that letter to the paper defending Glass House when it was cut, and some punter wrote in and said, "Mr Howard, we wanted action on GREENHOUSE, not Glass House." LAUGHTER I like it! APPLAUSE DRUMROLL Yes, it's time to award the coveted Glass House Trophy, which this week is called... FANFARE And the winner of the Rin Tin Tin tinpot tin helmet is the German Army, which recently called up a dead dog for national service. LAUGHTER

It's very good at 'stay'.

LAUGHTER

The army would have seen the funny side, but they're German... LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The Glass House - making racism fun again. Sounds cruel, but it's all part of NATO'S new "war on terrier"... LAUGHTER It's also a new explanation to give the kids when the family pet disappears. Instead of "he's gone to the farm",

he's "peacekeeping in Fallujah". LAUGHTER Well, that's the way it is for Wednesday, November 15. Thank you, Natasha. Thank you, Andrew. In case you missed the outpouring of heartfelt emotion and pure hatred,

the Eksalince Awards on November 29 at 9pm will be the last Glass House ever. AUDIENCE GROANS This week, we want you to vote... AUDIENCE BOOS NATASHA: Shame. Well, that was underwhelming... LAUGHTER This week, we want you to vote for 'eksalince' in politics. And the nominees are the holy father, Tony Abbott, and his disciples for their shameless claims stem cell research would lead to hybrid mutants, like Tony Abbott.

LAUGHTER APPLAUSE AND CHEERING He's gotta be at least half elephant, you know? George Dubya Bush, by far the most intelligent and erudite of all the dwarves... LAUGHTER Phillip Ruddock, Attorney General and Guantanamo expert

for saying sleep depravation isn't torture. I'd like to keep Phil awake for a week to see how he goes, but he'd burst into flames when the sunlight hit him. LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Because he's a vampire! And Kim Beazley, for leading a party in a poll-winning position, and still consistently reaching a level of popularity just below that of stingrays. LAUGHTER 10 more copies of The Glass House DVD if you SMS A, B, C or D to: Or, if cheap merchandise isn't your cup of tea, vote on the website: This is the last award we're announcing before the big night, so get your voting socks on. Who knows, you might win back the Senate. LAUGHTER Woo-hoo! And let's take a look at tomorrow's headlines.

Goodnight! THEME MUSIC

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