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(generated from captions) tonight # I've been walking the streets # Just a little patience # Just a little patience # Just trying to get it right with so many around # It's hard to see in a crowd # You know I don't like being stuck but maybe the names # Where the streets don't change Cos I need you # I don't have time for the game

# Yeah, well I need you

# Oh, and I need you # Oh, this time #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Closed captions by CSI

This program is not subtitled

THEME MUSIC to The Gruen Transfer G'day, I'm Will Anderson and welcome where we put ads under the microscope inside them. to see what's wriggling about To help us focus, please welcome scientific minds. four of advertising's most Russel Howcroft. from George Patterson Y & R, First our regular panellists, Thank you. APPLAUSE And from Leo Burnett, Todd Sampson. APPLAUSE the ditch, or should that be Dutch, Making her return from across Bridget Taylor. DDB Auckland creative director, APPLAUSE Thank you very much. creative director, Dan Gregory. And welcome back Smart Inc

APPLAUSE in this day, It's hard to believe but there are celebrities out there endorsement contract. without a lucrative product

sport stars and world leaders. Tonight's example has partied with and mobbed by schoolgirls. He's been down with the Queen Yet he's overlooked by the ad world. to work out Panel, we gave you 20 minutes endorsement would be right what kind of commercial

for ex-prime minister John Howard. what did you come up with? Russel and Bridget,

We had several suggestions. Possibly for pro-John. Satellite navigation systems - he thinks you should go. He will lead you where I like that.

the face of boot camp. Possibly he could be vanilla ice-cream. Could be a good one or maybe LAUGHTER Russel? I've only got one for you, Will. Just...Chesterfield couches. Chesterfield couches I can see him advertising and I quite like the end line, more comfortable." "Making the well-off I like that. That's good work. Very good. Todd and Dan.

on John Howard. We were a lot more gentler Say sorry with flowers. So first one was, Interflora - Beautiful. Nice.

APPLAUSE Keeping Australian whiter. Our second one was, Omo - - The other boat people. And then we thought P&O cruise lines Good one. I like that one.

Tonight, road safety ads. Now How Do You Sell. We start with a hint of nostalgia. back in the 1940s. This is how they used to do it CHILDREN: Look out! (SCREAMS) Particularly lucky VOICEOVER: Boy, he was lucky. Look who is coming to pick him up. Gee, aren't you Don Bradman? You were about to get hit.

Hello, boys. CHILDREN: He is Don Bradman. playing cricket as well as you do. Now listen, boys. You know I like play for Australia, But if you want to

there's something you must not do. Practise on the road. CHILDREN: What's that? The park's the place for that. those kids in that backyard. You know, Don made 300 against there's 600,000 reported crashes, Every year in Australia, and 1,600 road deaths. 200,000 injuries is a serious business. Road-safety advertising where do you start? Todd, with an account like this, is get a history reel The first thing we do of advertising which is the last 20 years this particular state for road safety for I was warned not to do this, and I sat there, but I sat there for 95 minutes injury, sadness and sorrow and looked at variations on death, was book a psychiatrist and second thing I needed to do depressed for a week, because not only was I slightly but I was also paranoid driving. and they had warned us, for an agency Taking on a road-safety campaign Not easy. is a big important responsibility. In that context, it must be bad. safety ads use Let's look at the kinds of strategies to affect our behaviour.

tactic - shock. We'll start with the best known

disposition, that's a warning. And yes, if you have a sensitive

before we get to what it's about, Dan, That's a real crash, isn't it? how do you make an ad like that? look real is to do it for real. The best way to make a stunt

that's real glass come crashing through a window, So when you see a stuntman explosive charge on the glass and what we do is put a small explodes and the guy comes through. and just before impact, the glass it's crashing into a truck, You want to make a kombi look like

you crash a kombi into a truck. more than shock. But that ad's about so much just before the impact, girlfriend who wakes You look at moments where the after the impact - the truck driver's slump as much as it is about shock. that ad's about emotion an agency came up with poster ads In New Zealand, the windscreen wipers of cars that they tucked under parked around primary schools. driving seat, this is what you saw. So when you got into the confronting to me. Now that's extremely a lot of attention in New Zealand? Bridget, did they get I think it get a lot of attention. about this is how it came about. But the really interesting thing police were having a look at And what happened was, were handed out. when most speeding tickets percentage of speeding tickets What they found was the highest morning, and around mid-afternoon. were handed out first thing in the On closer inspection, they found those tickets were the parents that most of the people getting off or to pick them up. rushing to school to drop the kids you're running late for a meeting So imagine you're at work, plant the foot, get to school, and you jump in your car, wicked, run and grab little Johnny, You're hit in the face come out, and bang! of your actions. with the consequences Russel, you're a father. What if you'd been in a car and your kids had seen that? I don't really like it. I mean, I've got a really practical problem with it. I think you would take it off the windscreen before you had the impact of it because when you walk up to your car, and there's something across, you just take it off. You think it's a flyer for the local disco. I just... LAUGHTER

It's been a long time since you've been to a "disco".

Nightclub. This must be a flyer for the local discotheque.

I hope they still play Roll Out The Barrel.

I like it. I think most kids nowadays have you know, probably killed, dismembered and chainsawed 50 people before lunchtime in video games. So if my kid saw that, I would just talk about road safety, an opportunity to talk about it. A squashed brain on a windscreen is not that shocking any more to young children.

I don't find it all that shocking. I'm not sure I would have approved, though. The reason I wouldn't have approved is I think kids seeing that image is probably more likely to piss mothers off than to have them re-evaluate their perceptions. I think when you're trying to slow people down in the school zone, the last thing you want to do is make the chick behind the wheel of the LandCruiser cranky. This is through the shock ad. Usually set soon after is the grief ad. SOMBRE PIANO MUSIC # I've been looking so long # At these pictures of you # That I almost believe that they're real

# I've been living so long # With my pictures of you

that the pictures # Are all I can feel (HUMMING) This ad, which uses real photos and real families, was launched in Victoria this year. The first version that ran was three minutes long

and aired simultaneously on all three commercial television channels during prime time. Russel, why would you do that? That's called a roadblock, Will.

The reason why it's called a roadblock is you basically capture every single person that's watching the telly. Therefore it's about capturing the audience and it's about giving them something new to look at in this space.

Maybe it's now cos I'm older, I'm a parent, I look at those parents and you can absolutely relate to it. I particularly like the 1968 photo. The idea that that's still hurting 40 years down the track.

It's still painful, I think really is wonderful. The two things I like about it is the long silences where nothing's happening in the ad. There's no voice-over, there's no government telling you what to do, there's no orders in it - it's just pauses that are really uncomfortable to watch and the second thing I like is they address a major issue in road safety. It's been an issue for a long time and that's the notion of statistics.

If one person dies, it's a tragedy, if thousands die, it's a statistic. By making it real...we talked about using real people in other episodes and companies sort of painting it on to give them credibility, that was real people. They were their lives. You felt their sorrow. Amazingly brave of these people to do this. Do ad agencies like getting this sort of work? Ad agencies love this kind of work and you hate this kind of work. You love it cos you get to make an ad that can make a difference. It's kind of the work that's good for your soul. That's what I call it because we spend so much time kind of flogging whatever, you know, stuff - gaff. We hate it because in order for this to work, we have to come with a message that will engage people and get them to listen to us and then we can make a difference. But the slogan at the end about being photographed and the idea of the ad being pictures, is it to combat people who just go, speed cameras are just revenue- raising - and that sort of thing? Is that what they're partly doing here? Yeah. It's a massive issue just touched upon.

One could argue that our distrust of government is killing lots of people on the roads

because we are so... They could actually put speed cameras on every corner,

they could increase the booze buses and put a lot more police

and we know, fact, that 90% of people slow down around speed cameras. The reason they don't do it, cos it's unpopular. Because people view speed cameras as revenue-raising. It's a massive issue. It's part of what I was saying earlier. You need to mix up the messages. You need to go shocking, emotional.

And people learn in different ways. Some people have visual, some have aesthetics, some are emotional. It's about touching people in different ways. To Todd's point, you're not gonna get all of the hoons. But if there's a hoon that's slightly emotional in nature, that's his ad. The other tactic of road safety ads is the consequences. Do the wrong thing, you'll pay the price. This ad caused a lot of fuss when it ran in Victoria. I was in prison. I got... slashed in the face. My ears cut off. I had a claw hammer put through my brain just here. Cutthroat razors here, here. 8.5-inch butcher's knife there.

Icepick there. Icepick up the back there. If you drink and you drive, and you're unfortunate enough to hit somebody, you want to pray to God you don't ever go to prison. Todd, is the bigger of getting caught bigger than the fear of dying? Research now shows that the fear of dying is very low on the kind of motivational things for road safety. And fear of detection is also quite low. But fear of the consequences is quite powerful and that is, you lose your car, your licence, you end up in jail. So consequence is a really good area to go into. The other thing this ad does, we talked before, the first hurdle you've got to jump is getting people to watch. Over time, this style of advertising, the remote control gets used cos you know it's gonna come, so I think this did have a fantastic, immediate, arresting impact.

Hang on a second. What's this guy selling? I'm going to buy whatever Chopper sells me, or he'll kill me. That's right. Chopper Read was not the first choice of the agency behind it.

They approached Charles Manson to appear in it, but started getting disturbing letters from Manson's supporters and changed their minds. Who knew he hung with a bad crowd? Probably the most interesting road safety ad of recent times is this NSW one. SLOW MUSIC

There's an ad that finds a new way to tackle the problem. Dan, what's the strategy here? I love this ad. Clearly, they're targeting young guys. The problem is, you can't shock young guys cos they think they're bulletproof. When you're a young guy and you're out with a group of guys, and the driver's speeding, the one thing you can't say is slow down. If you tell the guy to slow down, you might as well pull on a skirt and criticise his fingernails. What this does is it gives young guys a way to say slow down without losing face. So it redirects peer pressure. I think it's great. Again, this is a great example of what great advertisers are in this space. If you think that you turn up with a script and we're gonna run a campaign about speeding and we're going to relate it to the size of the driver's appendage, to actually buy that and do that, that's a fantastic thing for them to have done. It's a big call, though. I want it to work, I'm not certain how it'll go in the long term. For young people, speeding is about their identity. Speeding's a good thing. It's a skill. For most of these people, when they get in the car, they're in control and they exercise that control and drive crazy. I think it's brave for them to say, we're going to make it socially unacceptable. I reckon they should do a sequel to that ad where people are driving really slowly and safely and the grandma's just there going...

Yes, this is where we challenge two agencies to sell the unsellable with tonight's winning agency receiving this ultra-absorbent Gruen trophy, now with wings. It's an old rule that when economic times are tough, the best thing a government can do to distract the population is manufacture a war. Not so easy for Australia. We can't invade Indonesia - too big, too many people. How about Antarctica? Too cold. Penguins - too vicious. Which leaves us with only one option. So can our agencies come up with an ad that will convince us we need to invade...New Zealand. Please welcome from Marmalade, Neil Mallet, and from 303, John McKie. APPLAUSE Neil, you first. How hard was this one? We looked at a few areas like, New Zealand - Invade it before America gets there. I like that. New Zealand - It will be a nice place to put all our dickheads. Good. But ultimately we thought the Australian government really needed to do something more to inspire us rather than just the sheer joy we get out of invading,

or we would get out of invading New Zealand. If there's claret going to be spilt, there's gotta be a decent offer on the table. So ultimately, we worked it down to, there was one small thing that we think is truly unique and that we love as much as the idea of beating up on New Zealand, and it's something that only Australian government could give us. So we combined the two. Let's have a look.

VOICE-OVER: Australia loves a day off. Anzac Day, Labour Day, the Queen's birthday - we love 'em all. But there aren't many public holidays in the back half of the year.

So this Saturday, we're going to war with New Zealand. It'll be over by lunchtime.

And to celebrate, the whole country gets Monday off. And then, every year, we can crack a beer to mark the day we smashed the Kiwis.

As usual. APPLAUSE You know your market. That's what I liked about that one. John, where did you hit the jackpot? We thought we'd demonise Helen Clark and her government

for the terrible and dangerous direction she's taking New Zealand, putting us in Australia at great risk. We thought we'd do that by comparing Helen Clark to Robert Mugabe. LAUGHTER And her government to the government of Zimbabwe and rebrand New Zealand, New Zimbabwe. But then we thought, maybe not. So instead we... what we thought we'd do is we'd appropriate millions and millions of dollars

of the investment that's gone into advertising New Zealand to Australians through their tourist marketing. Cos we think that perhaps they have taken some of that money and put it into defending their country instead. Let's have a look at what you came up with. GENTLE GUITAR MUSIC # Let's all go to New Zealand

# We can have it all as our land # No planes, no attacks, no navy

# Not to want it would be crazy HEAVY METAL MUSIC

# One more time. # APPLAUSE All right.

I think this is gonna be the toughest one yet. I think they are both brilliant. Russel, what did you think? I do love the idea of 100% there for the taking. Using the New Zealand language that we've all got used to with their advertising,

and I particularly liked the government logo at the end - very official. But then for Marmalade and Neil, you're right mate, you've got to put an offer on the table in order to get people to change their behaviour. So the idea of a holiday, absolutely, I'm sure that would win. Now...Bridget, dare I ask? I'm holding myself back, you guys. Over there, really.

No, I agree. Although you're pointing out that... you're basically saying your country is shallow, you'll only do something if you get something for free, but... MOCK BOOING Hey, come on! Give me a break! He wants to take my home. So, I agree. I think the day off would work the best although I do love the 100% theirs for the taking.'s always been. Come on, when we did have a navy, they were rubbish. So... Dan, what did you think, mate? God, invading New Zealand, you had me at hello. But... Look, I love the fact that we stole their campaign in 100%, but you know, not voting for the day off would be un-Australian. And finally, Todd? I'm with Dan. Day off. Yeah. You always win an Australian with a day off. Congratulations. Well done. There you go. You get this handsome trophy made from soap and potato peelings made by New Zealand prisoners of war. There are plenty of stylish, classy ads in the world. But tonight, we're gonna ignore them. Our ad of the week is the closest the industry comes to just walking up and punching us in the face.

It's the shouty ad. (VOICE-OVER SCREAMS OUT TEXT)

I don't know what to say. The guy who voiced that ad died of a heart attack 30 seconds afterwards. Dan, where do these sort of ads start? Would you...were people sitting looking at a script, going, "That's a pretty good script, but it'd be better if people were bleeding from their ears"?

These ads are the modern equivalent of the Cockney geezer who stands on street corners going, (SHOUTS) "Get a bargain! Get a bargain! Get it before the police move me on." You know, those dodgy perfume guys.

But I love these ads. I'd never make one, but I love them. The one I love the most is the Doors ad. (SHOUTS) "Doors! Doors! Doors!" I love the... APPLAUSE

I love the idea that a door is an impulse purchase. Someone sitting at home going, "Oh, breezy. Wait a minute." Todd, who makes these ads? Cos I'm imagining it's not these swish agencies you guys work for.

I don't know. We should hunt them down. This's almost so bad, it's good. It's like the Jerry Springer of advertising. You're watching it thinking, I shouldn't be watching it. It's actually funny. And people love these ads. They think they're hilarious.

About 10-15% of television advertising is made direct. So you've got your networks and they do direct sales. So they don't deal with advertising agencies and media agencies. They just go direct to the commercial station

and the commercials do direct deals with them. And then they make the ads, either themselves, the networks do it or they'll job it out to someone.

So that's where these things come from. They aren't, you're right, done by the likes of Todd. LAUGHTER Or yourself. We spoke to a specialist agency that makes 70-100 cheap ads a week, many of them, shouty. They say the turnaround time is two days.

The client gets the ad for well under $10,000 and there's a pretty solid guarantee of financial return on the outlay.

Now, Russel, $10,000. You wouldn't get out of bed for $10,000, would you? No. I think they know they are annoying ads.

But I think it's a numbers game. They think for the 20 that go "Argh!",

one of them will go, "You know, I do need a new door." and maybe they'll come in. Ultimately, the best weapon in marketing is price. Price is what will get you a sale

and it's when you feel like you match what you want with the price

and at that point, that's when you get off your seat and get in the car to the rug sale.

Is this the trick? Does it only work for low-end retail? Well, you certainly wouldn't move a premium brand. Could it work say, for a beauty ad? For a beauty ad? Well, beauty ads are designed to create desire.

Shouty ads by nature are loud, cheap and easy. So if you're designing a beauty ad, and you think people want to look loud, cheap and easy, then make a shouty ad. Here at Gruen, we reckon you could. LOUD VOICE-OVER: Sick of looking in the mirror and finding your looks gone, gone, gone?

Look no further than Gruen moisturiser! Just grab from the shops and slap on your chops! You get nutrients, antioxidants and don't forget - compliments. Now with patented Gen-Y formula. Ask yourself, Gen-Y not? So, smile, good-lookin'. You're cookin'. Get some while stocks last. Gruen moisturiser. Turn back time and heads. Because if you get some, you'll get some.

That's all for this week. Hope you enjoyed the show, particularly the segment on subliminal advertising. Next week on The Gruen Transfer, we'll watch a iPhone and a blender fight to the death, embrace the joy of global warming and uncover the real story behind the Chinese emperor, Nazi Goring. BOY: Dad? Why did they build the Great Wall of China? That...that was... ..during the time of Emperor Nazi Goring. Please thank our experts, Russel, Bridget, Dan and Todd. But wait, there's more. We'll go out tonight with a very funny parody of a shouty ad we found online.

You can also find it at our website. Along with the rest of the show. See you next week. LOUD VOICEOVER: Hey, do you want to feel so energetic? Try Powerthirst - energy drinks for people who need gratuitous amounts of energy. With all-new flavours like shock-olate - chocolate energy. It's like adding chocolate to an electrical storm.

Sound the alarm. You're gonna be uncomfortably energetic. Sports - you'll be good at them. It's an energy drink for men - Menergy. You'll be so fast, Mother Nature will be like - "Slow down". You'll be like, fuck you, and kick her in the face with your energy legs. Full of so much energy. Energy. Just running all the time. Power-running, power-lifting, power-sweeping, power-dating, power-eating, power-laughing, power-spawning babies - you'll have so many babies. 400 babies. Give shock-olate to your babies and they'll be good at sports. Make your babies run abnormally fast. They'll run as fast as Kenyans. People will watch them and think they're Kenyans. They'll race as fast as Kenyans against actual Kenyans and there'll be a tie and they'll get deported back to Kenya. Try Powerthirst - the energy drink that will make you SHOUT for more. Closed Captions by CSI


OK, I blame myself. He was fine. He never agreed to talkback. It's a talkback station.

Yeah, but I specifically said not today.

He was really good. I wouldn't worry about it. What's this about? ABC took talkback. Hey, Holly. Murph, have you got a minute? Oh, it was an ambush. Mel, he's fine with it. But I feel like putting them on the shit list. Don't worry about them. Seriously. I mean, half of those callers were stooges. Sounded real to me. What housewife uses the phrase 'glycaemic index'? Rosemary Stanton. Every single time. Straight on through, Diane? Thanks.

Hi, how are you? Come on in, Murph. There you go. Morning. Good morning.

I don't suppose that you heard the Prime Minister this morning? Mel was trying to, uh... She blames herself, by the way. What happened? Honestly, a caffeine-free day, she wouldn't know herself. What happened? Radio interview. Turned into a talkback segment, during which the topic of obesity came up. Again? One of the callers mentioned 'glycaemic index'

and the PM got a little policy wonkage.